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IK  THK  CROWTi 


P A.  AND  P.  1. 


JOSIAH  ALLEN  S WIFE 


AS  A 


P.  A. 


SAMANTHA  AT  THE  CENTENNIAL. 


DESIGNED  AS 

A BRIGHT  AND  SHINING  LIGHT, 

TO  PIERCE  THE  FOGS  OP  ERROR  AND  INJUSTICE  THAT  SURROUND 
SOCIETY  AND  JOSIAH, 

AND  TO  BRING  MORE  CLEARLY  TO  VIEW  THE  PATH 
THAT  LEADS  STRAIGHT  ON  TO 

VIRTUE  IIA.UUINESS. 


By  the  Author  of 


“MY  OPINIONS  AND  BETSEY  BOBBETS/’ 


^^What  are  you  going  to  write  now,  Samantha  f** 


HARTFORD,  CONN.  I 

AMERICAN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY^ 

1883. 


itered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1877,  by  the 
AMERICAN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY, 

In  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


W i ■ \ 


To 


MY  JOSIAH’S  CHILDREN  BY  HIS  FIRST  WIFE: 

THOMAS  JEFFERSON 

AND 

TIRZAH  ANN, 

THIS  BOOK  IS  DEDICATED 

BY  ONE,  WHO, 

ALTHOUGH  A STEP-MOTHER,  IS  STILL  AS  AFFECTIONATE  AND 
FRIENDLY  TO  'eM  AS  CAN  BE. 


The  above  is  the  dedication  I had  lotted  on;  had  wrote  all  out  and 
calculated  to  have;  pleasing,  very,  to  Josiah,  to  the  children,  and  to 
myself.  But  come  to  think  it  over,  I changed  my  mind.  I thought: 
they  have  friends,  and  eloquent  tongues  of  their  own,  and  happiness ; 
are  well  off,  and  haint  sufferin’  for  dedications,  or  any  of  the  other 
comforts  and  necessaries  of  life.  And  so,  the  above  is  hereby  null 
and  void;  and  this  is  what  I now  solemnly  declare  to  be  my  last  law- 
ful will  and  dedication  of  this  book: — 


To 

THOSE  WHO  HAVE  NO  ONE  TO  SPEAK  FOR  THEM; 

TO 

THOSE  WHO  ARE  IN  BONDS 
(any  kind  of  bonds,) 

TO 

Those  whose  Hearts  Ache,  throngh  Injustice  and  Oppression; 

TO 

Those  whose  Sad  Eyes  Look  Thorugh  Tears  for  the 
Dawning  of  a Brighter,  Clearer  Day, 

THIS  BOOK  IS  DEDICATED,  AKD  ALSO  INSCRIBED, 

By  Their  Sincere  Friend  and  Well-Wisher, 

JOSIAH  ALLEN’S  WIFE. 


.'->91709 


MY  EEASOi\S  TO  THE  KIND  AND  ALMOST  GENTLE  READER 


WHY 

I DON’T  HAVE  NO  PREFACE  TO  THIS  BOOK. 

My  companion,  Josiah,  knew  that  my  book  was  all 
finished  and  completed,  and  so  one  lovely  day  about 
half  past  four,  p.  m.  in  the  afternoon,  when  he  see  me 
walk  with  a firm  and  even  step  up  to  the  mantletry 
piece  and  take  down  my  bottle  of  ink  and  my  steel 
mounted  pen,  he  says  to  me : 

What  are  you  goin’  to  writiifi  on  now^  Samantha  ? ’’ 
Says  I mildly,  1 thought  I’d  lay  to  and  write  a 
preface  to  my  book,  Josiah.  I thought  I’d  tell  ’em 
that  I had  wrote  it  all  down  about  you  and  I goin’  on 
a tower  to  Filadelfy  village  to  see  the  Sentinel.” 

I guess  after  you  have  wrote  it  all  out  in  black 
ink  in  a book,  about  our  goin’  to  the  Sentimental, 
folks  that  read  it  will  find  out  we  have  been  there, 
without  your  writin’  a preface  to  tell  ’em  of  it.  They 
will  unless  they  are  dumb  fools.” 

He  snapped  out  awful  snappish.  I couldn’t  think 
what  ailed  him,  and  says  I firmly : 

Stop  swearin’  instantly  and  to  once^  Josiah  Allen ! ” 
And  I added  again  in  mild  axents:  I guess  I’ll  lay 
to  and  write  my  preface,  Josiah;  you  know  there  has 
got  to  be  one.” 

Why  has  there  got  to  be  one  ? ” 

Oh  ! how  fractious  and  sharp  that  why  ” was.  I 
never  see  a sharper,  more  worrysome  why  ” in  my 


vi  WHY  THIS  BOOK 

hull  life  than  that  ‘‘  why  ’’  was.  But  I kep’  cool,  and 
says  1 in  calm  tones : 

‘^Because  there  has\  Folks  alwa/ys  have  prefaces, 
Josiah.^’ 

“ What  makes  ’em  have  ’em  ? there’s  the  dumb  of 
it.  What  makes  ’em  ? ” 

Says  I mekanically, — for  a stiddy  follerin’  of  duty 
has  made  reprovin’  my  pardner  in  times  of  need,  a 
second  or  third  nature  to  me — stop  swearin’  to  once^ 
Josiah  Allen ! They  have  prefaces,  Josiah,  because” — 
again  I paused  half  a moment  in  deep  thought — they 
have  ’em,  because  they  do  have  ’em,  that’s  why.” 

But  even  this  plain  and  almost  lucid  statement 
didn’t  seem  to  satisfy  him,  and  he  kep’  a arguin’  and 
say  in’, — I’d  be  hanged  if  Pd  have  ’em,”  and  so  on 
and  so  4th.  And  I argued  back  again.  Says  I : 

You  know  folks  are  urged  to  publish  books  time 
and  again,  that  wouldn’t  have  had  no  idee  of  doin’  it 
if  they  had  been  let  alone.”  Says  I, — You  know 
after  they  git  their  books  all  finished,  they  hang  back 
and  hate  to  have  ’em  published  ; hate  to,  like  dogs ; 
and  are  urged  out  of  their  way  by  relatives  and 
friends,  and  have  to  give  up,  and  have  ’em  published. 
They  naturally  want  to  tell  the  Public  how  it  is,  and 
that  these  things  are  so.” 

^^Oh  wall,”  says  he,  ^^if  the  Public  is  any  like  me, 
he’d  ruther  hear  the  urgin’  himself  than  to  hear  the 
author  tell  on  it.  What  did  they  break  their  backs 
for  a writin’  fourteen  or  fifteen  hundred  pages  if  they 
laid  out  to  hang  back  in  the  end.  If  they  found 
their  books  all  wrote  out,  a growin’  on  huckleberry 
bushes,  or  cewcumber  vines,  there  would  be  some 
sense  in  talkin’  about  urgin’  ’em  out  of  their  way.” 

And  he  sot  his  head  on  one  side,  and  looked  up  at 


HAS  NO  PREFACE. 


Vll 


the  ceilin’  with  a dretful  shrewd  look  onto  his  face, 
and  went  to  kinder  whistlin’.  I can’t  bear  hintin’, 
and  never  could,  I always  despised  hinters.  And  I 
says  in  almost  cold  tones,  says  I : 

Don’t  you  believe  they  was  urged,  Josiah  Allen  ? ” 

“ I haint  said  they  wuzn’t,  or  they  wuz.  I said  I 
had  ruther  see  the  bangin’  back,  and  hear  the  urgin’ 
than  to  hear  of  it  by-the-by,  in  prefaces  and  things. 
Thafs  what  I said.” 

But  again  that  awful  shrewd  look  come  onto  his 
face,  and  again  he  sot  his  head  on  one  side  and  kinder 
went  to  whistlin’ ; no  particular  tune,  but  jest  a plain 
sort  of  a promiscous  whistle.  But  I kep’  consider- 
able cool,  and  says  I : 

‘‘  Folks  may  be  real  dissatisfied  with  what  they 
have  wrote,  and  want  to  sort  o’  apoligise,  and  run  it 
down  kinder.” 

Says  Josiah, — If  folks  don’t  write  the  best  they 
know  how  to,  it  is  a insult  to  the  Public,  and  ort  to  be 
took  by  him  as  one.” 

‘^That  is  so,  Josiah,”  says  I.  always  thought 
so.  But  writers  may  try  to  do  the  very  best  they  can  ; 
their  minds  may  be  well  stabled,  and  their  principles 
foundered  on  a rock  ; their  motives  as  sound  as  brass, 
and  soarin’  and  high-toned  as  anything  can  be,  and 
still  at  the  same  time,  they  may  have  a realizin’  sense 
that  in  spite  of  all  their  pains,  there  is  faults  in  the 
book  ; lots  of  faults.  And  they  may  ” says  I,  feel  it 
to  be  their  duty  to  tell  the  Public  of  these  faults.  They 
may  think  it  is  wrong  to  conceal  ’em,  and  the  right 
way  is  to  come  out  nobly  and  tell  the  Public  of  ’em.” 

Oh  ! wall ! ” says  Josiah,  if  that  is  what  yon  are 
goin’  to  write  a preface  for,  you  may  set  your  heart 
at  rest  about  it.  Anybody  that  reads  your  book  will 


Vlll 


WHY  THIS  BOOK 


find  out  the  faults  in  it  for  themselves,  without  your 
tellin’  ’em  of  ’em  in  a preface,  or  sayin’  a word  to 
help  ’em  on  in  the  search.  Don’t  you  go  to  worryin’ 
about  that,  Samantha ; folks  will  see  the  faults  jest  as 
easy ; wont  have  to  put  on  no  specks  nor  nothin’  to 
find  ’em ; such  things  can’t  be  hid.” 

My  companion  meant  to  chirk  me  up  and  comfort 
me.  His  will  was  good,  but  somehow,  I s’pose  I 
didn’t  look  so  chirked  up  and  happy  as  he  thought 
I ort  to,  and  so  to  prove  his  words,  and  encourage  me 
still  more,  he  went  on  and  told  a story  : 

Don’t  you  remember  the  boy  that  was  most  a fool, 
and  when  he  sot  out  for  his  first  party,  his  father 
charged  him  not  to  say  a word,  or  they  would  find 
him  out.  He  sot  perfectly  speechless  for  more’n 
an  hour ; wouldn’t  answer  back  a word  they  said  to 
him,  till  they  begun  to  call  him  a fool  right  to  his 
face.  And  then  he  opened  his  mouth  for  the  first 
time,  and  hollered  to  his  father, — ^Father!  father! 
they’ve  found  me  out.’  ” 

Josiah  is  a great  case  to  tell  stories.  He  takes  all 
the  most  high-toned  and  popular  almanacs  of  the  day, 
and  reads  ’em  clear  through.  He  says  he  will  read 
’em,  every  one  of  ’em,  from  beginnin’  to  Finy.” 
He  is  fond  of  tellin’  me  anecdotes.  And  is  also  fond 
of  tragedies — he  reads  the  World  stiddy.  And  I al- 
ways make  a practice  of  smilin’  or  groanin’  at  ’em  as 
the  case  may  be.  (I  sot  out  in  married  life  with  a 
firm  determination  to  do  my  duty  by  this  man.) 
But  now,  though  I smiled  a very  little,  there  was 
sunthin’  in  the  story,  or  the  thoughts  and  forebodin’s 
the  story  waked  up  in  me,  that  made  my  heart  sink 
from — I should  judge  from  a careless  estimate — an 
inch,  to  an  inch  and  three-quarters.  T didn’t  make 


HAS  ISO  PREFACE. 


IX 


my  feeliii’s  known,  however;  puttin’  my  best  foot 
forred  has  been  my  practice  for  years,  and  my  theme. 
And  my  pardner  went  on  in  a real  chirk  tone : 

‘‘You  see  Samantha,  jest  how  it  is.  You  see  there 
haint  no  kind  o’  need  of  your  writin’  any  preface.” 

1 was  almost  lost  in  sad  and  mournful  thought,  but 
1 answered  dreamily  that  ‘‘  I guessed  I’d  write  one,  as 
I had  seemed  to  sort  o’  lay  out  and  calculate  to.” 

Then  my  companion  come  out  plain,  and  told  me 
his  mind,  which  if  he  had  done  in  the  first  place, 
would  have  saved  breath  and  argument.  Says  he : 

I hate  prefaces.  I hate  ’em  with  almost  a perfect 
hatred.”  And  says  he  with  a still  more  gloomy  and 
morbid*  look, — ^‘1  have  been  hurt  too  much  by  pre- 
faces to  take  to  ’em,  and  foller  ’em  up.” 

Hurt  by  ’em  ? ” says  I. 

“Yes,”  says  he  firmly.  “That  other  preface  of 
your’n  hurt  me  as  much  as  7 cents  in  the  eyes  of  the 
community.  It  was  probable  more’n  that  damage  to 
me.  I wouldn’t  ” — says  he,  with  as  bitter  a look  onto 
him  as  I ever  see, — “ have  had  it  got  out  that  I had 
the  Night  Mair,  for  a silver  3 cent  piece.” 

“Why,”  says  I mildly,  “it  wasn’t  nothin’  ag’inst 
your  character^  Josiah.” 

“Oh  no!”  says  he  in  a sarcastic  tone.  “You 
would  want  it  talked  over  in  prefaces  and  round, 
wouldn’t  you,  that  you  had  the  Night  Mair,  and 
pranced  round  in  your  sleep  ? ” 

“ I never  mentioned  the  word  prance,”  says  I mild- 
ly, but  firmly,  “ never, 

“ Oh  wall,”  says  he,  “ it  is  all  the  same  thing.” 

“No  it  haint,”  says  I firmly.  “No  it  haint.” 

“Wall,”  says  he,  “you  know  jest  how  stories  grow 
by  tellin’.  And  by  the  time  it  got  to  New  York, — I 


X 


WHY  THIS  BOOK  HAS  HO  PKEFACE. 


dare  persume  to  say  before  it  got  to  that  village, — the 
story  run  that  I pranced  round,  and  was  wild  as  a hen- 
hawk.  I have  hated  prefaces  ever  sense,  and  druther 
give  half  a cent  than  to  have  you  write  another  one.” 

^‘Don^t  go  beyond  your  means  a tryin’  to  bribe 
me,”  says  1,  in  a almost  dry  tone.  Josiah  is  honest  as 
a pulpit,  bat  close,  nearly  tight.  After  a moment’s 
thought,  I says, — If  you  feel  like  that  about  it, 
Josiah,  I wont  have  no  preface  in  this  book.” 

‘‘Wall,”  says  he,  “it  would  take  a load  oflFen  my 
mind  if  you  wouldn’t.”  And  he  added  in  cheerful 
and  tender  tones, — “ Shan’t  I start  up  the  fire  for  you, 
Samantha,  and  hang  onto  the  teakettle?” 

I told  him  he  might,  and  then  I rose  up  and  put  my 
bottle  of  ink  on  to  the  mantletry  piece,  and  sot  the 
table  for  supper.  And  this — generous  and  likely 
reader  though  I think  a sight  on  you,  and  would 
have  been  glad  of  the  chance  to  have  told  you  so  in 
a lawful  way — is  jest  the  reason  why  I have  denied 
myself  that  privilege  and  don’t  have  no  preface  to 
this  book.  Further  explanations  are  unnecessary. 
To  the  discernin’  mind  my  reasons  are  patented,  for 
such  well  know  that  a husband’s  wishes  to  a fond  wife, 
are  almost  like  takin’  the  law  to  her.  And  knowdn’ 
this,  I hope  and  trust  you  will  kindly  overlook  its 
loss.  You  will  not  call  me  shiftless,  nor  yet  slack. 
You  will  heed  not  the  dark  report  that  may  be  started 
up  that  I was  short  on  it  for  prefaces,  or  entirely  run 
out  of  ’em,  and  couldn’t  get  holt  of  one.  You  will 
believe  not  that  tale,  knowin’  it  false  and  also  untrue. 
You  will  regard  its  absence  kindly  and  even  tenderly, 
thinkin’  that  what  is  my  loss  is  your  gain ; thinkin’ 
that  it  is  a delicate  and  self-sacrificin’  token  of  a wife’s 
almost  wrapped  devotion  to  a Josiah. 


WHAT  I HAVE  WRIT  ABOUT 


Pagb. 

Why  I don’t  havb  no  Preface  to  this  Book,  . . 5 

The  Jonesville  Debatin’-School,  ....  19 

The  Widder  Doodle, 54 

A Debate  on  Intemperance,  .....  73 

Tirzah  Ann  as  a Wife, 103 

P.  A.  AND  P.  I., 121 

How  I went  to  ’Lection,  ......  144 

Senator  Vtse  and  his  Victim, 161 

How  WE  Bought  a Sewin’  Machine  and  Organ,  . . 193 
Preparin’  for  our  Tower,  ......  211 

The  Widder  and  Widower, 222 

How  Serepta  Carried  the  Meetin’  House,  . . 231 

I AND  Josiah  Visit  Philander  Spicek’ses  Folks,  . . 270 

Melankton  Spicer  and  his  Family,  ....  294 

Uncle  Deacon  Zebulon  Coffin, 316 

How  I Married  the  Deacon’s  Daughter,  . . . 353 

The  Grand  Exhibition 370 

Good  Land  ! Good  Land  ! and  Good  Land  ! . . 383 

Patronizin’  the  Railroad,  386 

I Advise  the  Nation  though  its  Great  Men,  . . 400 

Interview  with  Gen.  Hawley,  . . . . 406 

Doin’  the  Main  Buildin’,  . . . . . . 411 


XII 


What  I Have  Writ  About, 


Josiah’s  Ride  in  a CnAm, 422 

A Trip  through  the  World, 425 

In  the  Chinese  Department, 440 

I Meet  Old  Acquaintances,  453 

Widder  Doodle  as  a Bride, 460 

The  Artemus  Gallery, 473 

Interview  with  Dom  Pedro, 490 

The  “Creation  Searchers’*  at  the  Sentinal,  . . 506 

Machinery  Hall, 507 

The  Marquis  of  Lorne, 513 

The  Spiritualist,  522 

The  Wimmen’s  Pavilion, 523 

The  Female  Lecturer, 525 

Among  the  Relics, 535 

Among  the  Wild  Beasts, 539 

The  Indian  Question,  . 541 

My  Success  as  P.  A.  and  P.  I., 547 

The  Sentinal  Promiscous, 550 

The  “Creation  Searchers”  in  Jail,  ....  551 

The  End  of  our  Tower, 557 

Home  Affairs,  559 

The  14th  Day  of  September, 561 

A Bridal  Tower, 563 

A Good  Time  Generally, 570 

The  Baby, 574 

All  Happy,  . • • o # « « « • . 580 


WHAT  THE  KIND  ARTIST  HAS  DONE 


Page* 

1.  As  A P.  A.  AiTD  P.  I Frontispiece 

2.  Alas  Poor  Betsey 21 

3.  The  Editor  of  the  Auger 24 

4.  A Ride  on  the  Bobs,  (Full  Page) 30 

5.  The  Lyceum,  (Full  Page) 35 

6.  The  Young  Nephew 37 

7.  The  one  Gesture 39 

8.  A Thrillin’  Moment 45 

9.  Sunday  Slumbers 48 

10.  Editor  op  the  Gimlet 52 

11.  Plucky^  (Tail  Piece) 53 

12.  David  Doodle 56 

13.  WiDDER  Doodle 60 

14.  “ The  Voyage  of  Life  ” 61 

15.  Love’s  Dream 64 

16.  Pretty  Hands  and  Eyes,  (Full  Page) 68 

17.  Helping  Churn 69 

18.  The  Affirmative 77 

19.  Not  the  Right  Kind  of  Horns,  (Full  Page) 84 

20.  The  Blimmer  Caught 93 

21.  Found  Dead,  (Full  Page) 96 

22.  The  Nervous  Woman,  (Full  Page) Ill 

23.  Left  Behind,  (Full  Page) 118 

24.  Courting,  (Tail  Piece) 120 

25.  Testing  a Man’s  Temper,  (Full  Page) 123 

26.  The  Thief  at  Home,  (Full  Page) 131 

27.  Josiah’s  Secret,  (Full  Page) .' 150 

28.  The  Editor’s  Wife 154 

29.  The  Stranger 156 

30.  Introduction 'TO  the  Senator,  (Full  Page) 163 

31.  Young  Womanhood 168 

32.  Fallen 170 

33.  The  Little  Innocent 172 

34.  Grief  and  Remorse 173 

35.  “ Took  to  Drinkin’  ” 174 

36.  About  a Fair  Thing 179 

37.  JosiAH  Finds  his  Secret  is  Known,  (Full  Page) 189 

38.  Maternal  Affection,  (Tail  Piece) 192 

39.  Avoiding  a Nuisance,  [Full  Page] 199 

40.  The  Sewin’  Machine  Agents,  [Full  Page] 207 

41.  “ It  haint  always  best  to  tell  reasons.” 212 

42.  The  Widder,  [Tail  Piece] 221 


XIV  - WHAT  THE  KIND  AKTIST  HAS  DONE. 


43.  **  I Lotbd  Tha-T  Woman  ” 226 

44.  An  Unsoltkd  Mtstkey 285 

45.  Serepta  Smith 237 

46.  “Needs  Headin’  Oep,”  [Full  Page] 239 

47.  Miss  Hokn 345 

48.  A Visit  From  the  Church,  [Full  Page] 263 

49.  Too  Many  Ruffles,  [Full  Page] 273 

50.  Covered,  [Tail  Piece] 293 

51.  “ That  Door  Wants  Mendin’  Bad,’’  [Full  Page] 298 

52.  “ Apparently  ’’  Strong 800 

53.  An  “Apparently  ’’  Welcome 303 

54.  “The  House  of  Mournin’’’ 305 

55.  Gentility 307 

56.  The  Pet,  [Tail  Piece] 315 

57.  Cheated 319 

58.  Competin’  with  the  Bar-Room 324 

59.  Deacon  Zebulon  Coffin 331 

60.  The  Condemned  Fiddle,  [Full  Page] 334 

61.  Foolin’  Away  Time 337 

62.  Meetin’  the  Deacon 343 

63.  Molly  Consolin’  Tom  Pitkins 347 

64.  Dressed  for  the  Ball 350 

65.  Extravagant  Wimmen 851 

66.  Frugal  Men 852 

67.  The  Deacon’s  Old  Game 855 

68.  Helpin’  the  Wilder 360 

69.  “ I haint  a Mormon  ’’ 367 

70.  “ Buy  a Guide  ? ’’  [Full  Page] 379 

71.  Samantha  Addresses  Gen.  Grant 400 

72.  Interview  with  Gov.  Hawley,  [Full  Page] 407 

73.  One  of  the  Smiths  [Full  Page] 418 

74.  Josiah’s  Five  Hours  Nap 422 

75.  Introduced  to  John  Rogers  Jr 432 

76.  The  Chinese  Department,  [Full  Page] 441 

77.  JOSIAH  IN  THE  DRESSIN’-ROOM 458 

78.  Politeness  to  a Stranger 461 

79.  The  Phantom 467 

80.  Samantha  in  the  Art  Gallery,  [Full  Page] 477 

81.  Samantha  Meets  Dom  Pedro 491 

82.  In  Trouble 

83.  JoBiAH  Admirin’  the  Water 539 

84.  A Short  Roll 548 

85.  The  Sentinal  Licensed 551 

86.  Beingtn’  Her  To 563 

87.  Judge  Snow’s  Surprise,  [Full  Page] 574 

88.  Uedeb  the  Maples 5^ 


THE  JONESVILLE  DEBATIN’-SCHOOL. 


IT  was  to  the  Jonesville  Debatin’-School,  that  we 
first  thought  on’t.  It  was  there  that  Josiah  and 
me  made  up  our  2 minds  to  go  to  Filadelfy  village 
to  see  the  Sentinal.  They’ve  had  Debatin’-schools  to 
Jonesville  this  winter,  and  as  I was  the  only  literary 
woman  worth  mentionin’,  they  made  a great  pint  of 
havin’  me  attend  to  ’em.  I say  the  only  literary 
woman, — Betsey  Bobbet  Slimpsey  havin’  to  work  out 
so  much  that  she  has  entirely  left  off  writin’  poetry. 
She  says  she  can’t  go  out  washin’,  and  cleanin’  house, 
and  makin’  soap,  and  write  poetry  at  the  same  time, 
worth  a cent.  They  have  a awful  hard  time  to  git 
along.  They  both  work  out  by  the  day,  and  they  say 
that  she  has  had  to  sell  her  tow  frizzles  and  corneleun 
ring,  and  lots  of  her  other  nice  things  that  she  had  to 
catch  her  husband  with,  in  order  to  git  along.  How- 
sumever,  I don’t  Tcnow  this ; you  can  hear  anything^ 
such  a lyin’  time,  now-a-days — as  I told  Josiah,  the 
other  day.  He  says  to  me,  says  he : 

19 


20 


BETSEY  SLIMP8ET,  hntt  BOBBET. 


“ I won’t  believe  anything,  Samantha,  till  I see  it 
with  my  own  eyes.” 

And  says  I, — “Z  wont  believe  anything,  Josiah 
Allen,  till  I have  got  holt  of  it.”  Says  I,  “ mists  and 
black  arts  are  liable  to  be  cast  before  your  eyes ; but 
if  you  lay  holt  of  anything  with  your  two  hands,  you 
are  pretty  certain  it  is  there.” 

Never  havin’  laid  holt  of  her  tow  curls  and  other 
ornaments,  as  they  was  bein’  sold,  I don’t  tell  it  for 
certain  truth,  but  only  what  I have  hearn  ; but  that 
they  have  p.  dretful  hard  time  on’t  to  git  along,  that 
I hnow. 

Besides  poverty,  the  • horrors  lay  holt  of  Slimpsey 
the  worst  kind.  They  shake  him  as  a dog  shakes  a 
chipmunk.  When  he  lived  with  his  first  wife  he 
didn’t  have  ’em  more’n  a few  times  a month,  or  so ; 
but  now  he  has  ’em  every  day,  stiddy,  right  along.  He 
yells  at  Betsey ; goes  to  bed  with  his  boots  on ; throws 
his  hat  at  her,  hollers,  and  keeps  a actin’.  He  drinks, 
too,  when  he  can  git  anything  to  drink.  He  says  he 
drinks  to  forget  his  trouble ; but  what  a simple  move 
that  is,  for  when  he  gits  over  it,  there  his  trouble  is, 
right  before  his  eyes.  There  Betsey  stands.  Trouble 
is  as  black  and  troublesome  again  looked  at  through 
the  glass,  and  topers  find  that  it  is ; for  they  have  the 
old  trouble,  all  the  same,  besides  sbame  and  disgrace, 
and  bodily  ruination. 

Considerin’  what  a dretful  hard  time  Betsey  has,  it 


THE  DIGNITY  OF  MAHRIAGE. 


21 


would  seem  to  a bystander  to  calmly  think  on’t,  that 
she  didn’t  git  much 
of  any  comfort  from 
her  marriage,  except 
the  dignity  she  told 
me  of  the  other  night, 
wdth  her  own  tongue 
as  she  Avas  goin’  home 
from  washiii’,  at  Miss 
G o w d e y’s.  (Miss 
Gowdey  had  a felon 
and  was  disabled.) 

She  had  on  a old 
hood,  and  one  of  her 
husband’s  old  coats 
with  brass  buttons — 
for  it  was  a rainin’ 
and  she  didn’t  care 
for  looks.  She  was 
all  drabbled  up,  and 
looked  tired  enough 
to  sink.  She  had  a 
piece  of  pork  to  pay 
her  for  her  washin’, 
and  a piller-case  about 
half  full  of  the  second 


sort  of  flour  a carry-  betsey. 

in’  along,  that  Miss  Gowdey  had  give  her;  and  as  I 


22 


THE  ‘‘CREATION  SE ARCHIN’  SOCIETY.” 


happened  to  be  a standin’  in  the  front  door  a look- 
in’ for  my  companion,  Josiah,  — who  had  gone  to 
Jonesville  to  mill — we  got  to  talkin’  about  one  thing 
and  another,  and  she  up  and  told  me  that  she  wouldn’t 
part  with  the  dignity  she  got  by  marryin’,  for  25 
cents,  much  as  she  needed  money.  Though  sh^  said 
it  was  a worse  trial  than  anybody  had  any  idee  of, 
for  her  to  give  up  writin’  poetry. 

So,  as  I was  a sayin’,  bein’  the  only  literary  woman 
of  any  account  in  Jonesville,  they  made  a great 
handlin'  of  havin’  me  present  at  their  meetin’s,  or  at 
least,  some  of  ’em  did.  Though  as  I will  state  and 
explain,  the  great  question  of  my  takin’  part  in  ’em, 
rent  Jonesville  almost  to  its  very  twain.  Some  folks 
hate  to  see  a woman  set  up  high  and  honored ; they 
hate  to,  like  a dog.  It  was  gallin’  to  some  men’s 
pride,  to  see  themselves  passed  by,  and  a female 
woman  invited  to  take  a part  in  the  great  Creation 
Searchin’  Society,”  or  Jonesville  Lyceum.”  I some- 
times call  it  Debatin’-school,  jest  as  I used  to ; but  the 
childern  have  labored  with  me ; they  call  it  Lyceum, 
and  so  does  Maggy  Snow,  and  our  son-in-law,  Whit- 
field Minkley ; (he  and  Tirzah  Ann  are  married,  and 
it  is  very  agreeable  to  me  and  to  Josiah,  and  to  Brother 
and  Sister  Minkley  ; very!)  Tirzah  Ann  told  me  it 
worked  her  up,  to  see  me  so  old-fashioned  as  to  call  it 
Debatin’-school. 

But  says  I calmly, — Work  up  or  not,  I shall  call 
it  so  when  I forget  the  other  name.” 


THOMAS  JEFFERSON  EXPLAINS. 


23 


And  Thomas  Jefferson  labored  with  me,  and  jest  as 
his  way  is,  he  went  down  into  the  reason  and  phi- 
losophy of  things,  knowin’  well  what  a case  his  mother 
is"Sfbr-  divin’  deep  into  reason  and  first  causes.  That 
boy  is  dretful  deep ; he  is  cornin’  up  awful  well.  He  is 
a ornament  to  Jonesville,  as  Lawyer  Snow — Maggy’s 
father — told  me,  last  fall.  (That  haint  come  off  yet ; 
but  we  are  perfectly  willin’  and  agreeable  on  both 
sides,  and  it  will  probable  take  place  before  long. 
Thomas  J.  fairly  worships  the  ground  she  walks  on, 
and  so  she  does  hisen.) 

Says  Thomas  J.  to  me,  says  he,  I haint  a word  to 
say  ag’inst  your  callin’  it  Debatin ’-school,  only  I know 
you  are  so  kinder  scientific  and  philosophical,  that  I 
hate  to  see  you  usin’  a word  that  haint  got  science  to 
back  it  up.  Now  this  word  Lyceum,”  says  he,  ^^is 
derived  from  the  dead  languages,  and  from  them  that 
is  most  dead.  It  is  from  the  Greek  and  Injun;  a 
kind  of  a half-breed.  Ly,  is  from  the  Greek,  and 
signifies  and  means  a big  story,  or,  in  other  wmrds,  a 
falsehood ; and  ce-um  is  from  the  Injun ; and  it  all 
means,  ^see  ’em  lie.’” 

That  boy  is  dretful  deep ; admired  as  he  is  by  every- 
body, there  is  but  few  indeed  that  realize  what  a mind 
he  has  got.  He  convinced  me  right  on  the  spot,  and 
I make  a practice  of  callin’  it  so,  every  time  I think 
of  it.  But  as  I told  Tirzah  Ann — work  up  or  not,  if 
they  was  mortified  black  as  a coal,  both  of  ’em,  when 


24 


OPENING  NIGHT  OF  THE  ‘‘LYCEUM/* 


I forgot  that  name  I should  call  it  by  the  old  one. 

There  has  been  a awful  thorough  study  into  things  to 
the  Debatin’-school,  or  Lyceum.  It  has  almost  skairt 
me  sometimes,  to  see  ’em  go  so  deep  into  hard  sub- 
jects. It  has  seemed  almost  like  temptin’  Providence, 

to  know  so  much, 
and  talk  so  wise  and 
smart  as  some  of 
’em  have. 

I was  in  favor 
of  their  havin’  ’em, 
from  the  very  first 
on’t,  and  said  open- 
ly, that  I laid  out 
to  attend  ’em ; but 
^ I thought  my  soul, 
I should  have  to 
stay  to  home,  the 
very  first  one.  It 
commenced  on  a 
THE  EDITOR  OF  THE  AUGER.  Tuosday  night,  and 
I had  got  my  mind  all  worked  up  about  goin’  to  it ; 
and  I told  the  Widder  Doodle,  (Josiah’s  brother’s 
wife,  that  is  livin’  with  us  at  present,)  I told  her  in 
the  afternoon,  it  would  be  a dretful  blow  to  me  if 
anything  should  happen  to  keep  me  to  home ; and  I 
got  a early  breakfast,  a purpose  to  get  a early  dinner, 
so’s  to  have  a early  supper,  so’s  to  be  ready  to  go,  you 


OBSTACLES  MET  WITH. 


25 


know,  suntliin’  as  the  poem  runs : — The  fire  begun 
to  burn  the  stick,  the  stick  begun  to  lick  the  kid,  and 
the  kid  begun  to  go.” 

Wall,  before  supper,  I went  up  into  the  Widd^ 
Doodle’ses  room  to  git  my  soap-stone,  to  put  on  the 
tank  to  have  it  a warmin’  for  the  ride ; (I  let  the  Widder 
have  the  soap-stone,  nights,  she  havin’  no  other  com- 
panion, and  bein’  lonesome,  and  troubled  with  cold 
feet.  I do  well  by  the  Widder.)  As  I come  down 
with  it,  all  boyed  up  in  my  mind  about  what  a edify- 
in’  and  instructive  time  I was  a goin’  to  have,  the 
Widder  spoke  up  and  says  she : 

Josiah  has  jest  been  in,  and  he  don’t  know  as  he 
shall  go  to  Jones ville,  after  all ; he  says  the  Editor  of 
the  Auger  is  sick.”  He  was  to  make  the  openin’ 
speech. 

What  ails  the  Editor  ? ” says  I. 

Says  she, — ‘^He  has  got  the  Zebra  Spinner  Mag- 
netics.” 

Good  land ! ” says  I,  he  wont  never  get  over 
it,  will  he  ? I shouldn’t  never  expect  to  get  well  if  I 
had  that  distemper,  and  I don’t  know  as  I should 
want  to.  It  must  leave  the  system  in  a awful  state.” 

Yes,”  says  Josiah,  who  had  come  in  with  an  arm- 
ful of  wood,  the  Editor  is  bad  off ; but  Sister  Doodle 
haint  got  it  jest  right ; it  is  the  Zebra  Smilin’  Marcel- 
lus  that  has  got  a holt  of  him.  • Solomon  Cypher 

told  me  about  it  when  he  went  by  on  his  saw  log.” 

2 


26  the  editor  of  the  auger  in  trouble. 

0 

‘‘Wall/’  says  I coolly,  “a  few  words,  more  or  less, 
Laint  a goin’  to  make  or  break  a distemper.  You 
both  seem  to  be  agreed  and  sot  onto  the  Zebra,  so 
s’posen  we  call  it  the  Zebra,  for  short.  Do  you  know 
whether  he  catched  the  Zebra,  or  whether  it  come 
onto  him  spontaneous,  as  it  were  ? Anyway,  I don’t 
believe  he  will  ever  git  over  it.” 

And  I sithed  as  I thought  of  the  twins ; he  has  had 
a sight  of  twins  sense  he  married  this  woman  ; 1 never 
see  such  a case  for  twins,  as  the  Editor  is.  And  I 
sithed  as  I thought  of  every  span  of  ’em ; and  the 
ma,  and  step-ma  of  ’em.  I kep’  a sithin’,  and  says  I : 

“ This  distemper  is  a perfect  stranger  to  me,  Josiah 
Allen.  Where  does  the  Zebra  take  holt  of  anybody  ? ” 

Says  he, — “ The  disease  is  in  the  backside  of  his 
neck,  and  the  posterity  part  of  his  brain.” 

And  then  I felt  better.  I felt  well  about  the 
Editor  of  the  Augers’es  wife,  and  the  twins.  Says  I 
in  a cheerful  voice  : 

“If  the  disease  is  in  his  brain,  Josiah,  I know  he 
will  have  it  light.  I know  they  can  quell  it  down 
easy.” 

I knew  well  that  there  could  be  a large,  a very  large 
and  interestin’  book  made  out  of  what  the  Editor 
didn’t  know.  The  minute  he  told  me  the  Zebra  was 
in  his  brain,  I knew  its  stay  there  would  be  short, 
for  it  wouldn’t  find  anything  to  support  itself  on,  for 
any  length  of  time.  I felt  well ; my  heart  felt  several 


AN  ALLEGORY. 


27 


pounds  lighter  than  it  had ; for  lightness  of  heart 
never  seems  so  light,  as  it  does  after  anybody  has 
been  carry  in’  a little  jag  of  trouble.  It  takes  the 
little  streaks  of  shadow  to  set  off  the  sunshine.  Life 
is  considerable  like  a rag  carpet,  if  you  only  look  on 
it  with  the  eye  of  a weaver.  It  is  made  up  of  dark 
stripes  and  light  stripes,  and  sometimes  a considerable 
number  of  threads  of  hit  or  miss;  and  the  dark 
stripes  set  off  the  light  ones,  and  make  ’em  look  first 
rate.  But  I am  allegorin’. 

As  I said,  I felt  relieved  and  cheerful,  and  I got 
supper  on  the  table  in  a few  minutes — the  tea-kettle 
was  all  biled.  After  supper,  I said  to  Josiah  in  cheer- 
ful axents : 

‘^I  guess  we  had  better  go  to  Jonesville,  anyway, 
for  my  mind  seems  to  be  sot  onto  that  Debatin’-school, 
and  I don’t  believe  the  Editor’s  havin’  the  Zebra  will 
break  it  down  at  all;  and  I want  to  go  to  Tirzah 
Ann’s  a few  minutes ; and  we  are  about  out  of  tea — 
there  haint  enough  for  another  drawin’.” 

Josiah  said  it  wasn’t  best  to  take  the  old  mare  out 
again  that  night,  and  he  didn’t  believe  there  would  be 
a Debatin’-school,  now  the  Editor  had  got  the  Zebra ; 
he  thought  that  would  flat  it  all  out. 

I didn’t  argue  on  that ; I didn’t  stand  on  the  Zebra, 
knowin’  well,  I had  a keener  arrer  in  my  bow.  I 
merely  threw  in  this  remark,  in  a awful  dry  tone : 

Very  well,  Josiah  Allen ; I can  git  along  on  sage 


28 


JOSIAH  MANAGED. 


tea,  if  you  can;  or,  1 can  make  crust  coffee  for 
breakfast.” 

I calmly  kep’  a braidin’  up  my  back  hair,  previous 
to  doin’  it  up  in  a wad,  for  I knew  what  the  end 
thereof  would  be.  My  companion,  Josiah,  is  power- 
fully attached  to  his  tea,  and  he  sot  for  a number  of 
minutes  in  perfect  silence,  meditatin’ — I knew  by  the 
looks  of  his  face — on  sage  tea.  I kep’  perfectly  still 
and  let  him  meditate,  and  wouldn’t  have  interrupted 
him  for  the  world,  for  I knew  that  sage  tea,  and  crust 
coffee,  taken  internally  of  the  mind,  (as  it  were,)  was 
what  was  good  for  him  jest  then.  And  so  it  proved, 
for  in  about  three  minutes  and  a half,  he  spoke  out  in 
tones  as  sharp  as  a meat  axe ; some  like  a simetar : 

•^Wall!  do  git  ready  M you  are  a goin’.  I never 
did  see  such  cases  to  be  on  the  go  all  the  time,  as 
wimmen  be.  But  I shall  go  with  the  Bobs,  jest  as  I 
come  from  the  woods ; I haint  a goin’  to  fuss  to  git 
out  the  sleigh  to-night.” 

He  acted  cross,  and  worrysome,  but  I answered 
him'  calmly,  and  my  mean  looked  first  rate  as  I said  it : 

There  is  a great  literary  treat  in  front  of  me,  to- 
night, Josiah  Allen,  and  a few  Bobs,  more  or  less, 
haint  a goin’  to  overthrow  my  comfort,  or  my  prin- 
ciples. ' No!”  says  I stoppin’  at  my  bed-room  door, 
and  wavin’  my  right  hand  in  a real  eloquent  wave ; 
‘^no!  no!  Josiah  Allen;  the  seekin’ mind,  bent  on 
improvin’  itself;  and  the  earnest  soul  a plottin’  after 


A KlOE  ON  THE  BOBS. 


THE  RIDE  TO  JONESVILLE. 


31 


the  good  of  the  race,  Bobs  has  no  power  over.  Such 
minds  cannot  be  turned  round  in  their  glorious  career 
by  Bobs.” 

‘^Wall!  wall!”  he  snapped  out  again,  ^^do  git 
ready.  I believe  wimmen  would  stop  to  talk  and 
visit  on  their  way  to  the  stake.” 

1 didn’t  say  nothin’  back,  but  with  a calm  face  I 
went  into  the  bed-room  and  put  on  my  brown  alpaca 
dress ; for  I thought  seein’  I had  my  way,  I’d  let  him 
have  his  say,  knowin’  by  experience,  that  the  last 
word  would  be  dretful  sort  o’  comfortin’  to  him.  I 
had  a soap-stone  and  plenty  of  Buffaloes,  and  I didn’t 
care  if  we  did  go  on  the  Bobs,  (or  Roberts,  I s’pose 
would  be  more  polite  to  call  ’em.)  There  was  a good 
floor  to  ’em,  and  so  we  sot  off,  and  I didn’t  care  a 
mite  if  I did  feel  strange  and  curious,  and  a good 
deal  in  the  circus  line ; as  if  I was  some  first-class 
curiosity  that  my  companion,  Josiah,  had  discovered 
in  a foreign  land,  and  was  carryin’  round  his  native 
streets  for  a side-show. 

When  we  got  to  Jonesville,  we  found  they  was  a 
goin’  to  start  the  Debatin’-school,  jest  the  same  as  if 
the  Editor  hadn’t  got  the  Zebra.  We  went  into 
Tirzah  Ann’s  a few  minutes,  and  she  give  us  a piece 
of  fresh  beef — Whitfield  had  jest  bought  a quarter — 
Josiah  hadn’t  killed  yet.  Beef  is  Josiah’s  favorite 
refreshment,  and  I told  him  we  would  have  it  for 
dinner  the  next  day.  Josiah  begun  to  look  clever ; 


82 


THE  DEBATIN^SCHOOL. 


and  he  asked  me  in  affectionate  and  almost  tender 
axents,  if  apple  dumplin’s  didn’t  go  first  rate  with 
roast  beef  and  vegetables.  I told  him  yes,  and  I 
would  make  some  for  dinner,  if  nothin’  happened. 
Josiah  felt  well ; his  worrysome  feelin’s  all  departed 
from  him.  The  storekeeper  had  jest  opened  an  un- 
common nice  chest  of  tea,  too.  I never  see  a man 
act  and  look  cleverer  than  my  pardner  did : he  was 
ready  to  go  anywhere,  at  any  time. 

We  got  to  the  school-house  where  it  was  held,  in 
good  season,  and  got  a good  seat,  and  I loosened  my 
bunnet  strings  and  went  to  knittin’.  But,  as  I said, 
they  was  determined  (some  on  ’em)  that  I should  hold 
up  one  of  the  sides  of  the  arguments ; but  of  course, 
as  could  be  expected  in  such  a interestin’  and  moment- 
ous affair,  in  which  Jonesville  and  the  world  at  large 
was  so  deeply  interested,  there  was  them  that  it  galled, 
to  see  a woman  git  up  so  high  in  the  world.  There 
was  them  that  said  it  would  have  a tendency  to  on- 
settle  and  break  up  the  hull  fabric  of  society  for  a 
woman  to  take  part  in  such  hefty  matters  as  would  be 
argued  here.  Some  said  it  was  a revolutionary  idee, 
and  not  to  be  endured  for  half  a moment  of  time ; 
and  they  brought  up  arguments  from  the  Auger — 
wrote  by  its  Editor — to  prove  out  that  wimmen  ortn’t 
to  have  no  such  privileges  and  honors.  They  said, 
as  sick  as  the  Editor  was  now,  it  would  kill  him  if  he 
should  hear  that  the  Creation  Searchin’  Society  ” — 


SAMANTHA’S  POSITION  DISCUSSED. 


33 


that  he  had  labored  bo  for — had  demeaned  itself  by 
lettin’  a woman  take  part  in  it.  They  said  as  friends 
of  the  Editor,  they  wouldn’t  answer  for  the  shock  on 
his  nervous  and  other  system.  Neither  would  they 
answer  for  the  consequences  to  Jonesville  and  the 
world — the  direful  consequences,  sure  to  flow  from 
liftin’  a female  woman  so  far  above  her  spear. 

Their  talk  was  scareful,  very,  and  some  was  fear- 
fully affected  by  it;  but  others  was  jest  as  rampant 
on  the  other  side ; they  got  up  and  defied  ’em.  They 
boldly  brought  forward  my  noble  doin’s  on  my  tower; 
how  I had  stood  face  to  face  with  that  heaven-hon- 
ored man  of  peace,  Horace  Greely — heaven-honored 
and  heaven-blest  now — how  he  had  confided  in  me ; 
how  my  spectacles  had  calmly  gazed  into  hisen,  as  we 
argued  in  deep  debate  concernin’  the  welfare  of  the 
nation,  and  wimrnen.  How  I had  preserved  Grant 
from  perishin’  by  poetry ; how  I had  labored  with 
Victory  and  argued  with  Theodore.  They  said  such 
doin’s  had  rose  me  up  above  other  wimrnen ; had  lifted 
me  so  far  up  above  her  common  spear,  as  to  make  me 
worthy  of  any  honors  the  nation  could  heap  onto 
me;  made  me  worthy  even  to  take  a part  in  the 
Jonesville  Creation  Searchin’  and  World  Investiga- 
tin’ Society.” 

let  ’em  fight  it  out,  and  didn’t  say  a word. 
They  fit,  and  they  fit ; and  I sot  calmly  there  on  my 
seat  a knittin’  my  Josiah’s  socks,  and  let  ’em  go  on. 


34  SAMANTHA'S  OPINIONS  OF  THE  SUBJECT. 


I knew  where  I stood  in  my  own  mind ; I knew  I 
shouldn’t  git  up  and  talk  a word  after  they  got 
through  fight  in’.  Not  that  I think  it  is  out  of  char- 
acter for  a woman  to  talk  in  public  ; nay,  verily.  It 
is,  in  my  opinion,  no  more  wearin’  on  her  throat,  or 
her  morals,  to  git  up  and  talk  to  a audience  for  their 
amusement  and  edification,  in  a calm  and  collected 
voice,  than  it  is  for  her  to  key  up  her  voice  and  sing 
to  ’em  by  the  hour,  for  the  same  reason.  But  every- 
body has  their  particular  fort,  and  they  ort  in  my 
opinion  to  stick  to  their  own  forts  and  not  try  to  git 
on  to  somebody  else’es. 

Now,  influencin’  men’s  ^ouls,  and  keepin’  their 
morals  healthy  by  words  of  eloquence,  is  some  men’s 
forts.  Nailin’  on  good  leather  soles  to  keep  their 
body’s  healthy,  is  another  man’s  fort.  One  is  jest 
as  honorable  and  worthy  as  the  other,  in  my  opinion, 
if  done  in  the  fear  of  God  and  for  the  good  of  man- 
^kind,  and  follerd  as  a fort  ort  to  be  follerd.  But  when 
folks  leave  their  own  lawful  forts  and  try  to  git  on  to 
somebody  else’es  fort,  that  is  what  makes  trouble,  and 
makes  crowded  forts  and  weak  ones,  and  mixes  things. 
Too  many  a gettin’  on  to  a fort  at  one  time,  is  what 
breaks  it  down.  My  fort  haint  talkin’  in  public, 
and  I foller  it  up  from  day  to  day,  as  a fort  ort  to  be 
follerd.  So  I was  jest  as  cool  as  a cewcumber,  out- 
side and  inside,  and  jest  as  lives  see  ’em  go  on  makin’ 
consiimmit  idiots  of  themselves  as  not,  and  ruther. 


THE  LrCEUiM, 


I 


THE  ORATORS. 


37 


It  was  enough  to  make  a dog  snicker  and  laugh  (if 
he  hadn’t  deep  principle  to  hold  him  back,  as  I had,) 
to  see  ’em  go  on.  The  President  Cornelius  Cork, 
and  Solomon  Cypher  talked  the  most.  They  are  both 
eloquent  and  almost  finished  speakers ; but  Solomon 
Cypher  havin’  had  better  advantages  than  the  Presi- 
dent,  of  course 
goes  ahead  of  him 
as  an  oriter.  A 
nephew  of  hisen, 

P.  Cypher  Bum- 
pus,  old  Philander 
Bumpus’es  only 
boy,  (named  after 
his  father,  and  un- 
cle Cypher,)  has 
been  there  to  his 
uncle’s  givin’  him 
lessons  all  winter, 
in  elocution  and 
dramatic  effects. 

Solomon  has  give 
him  his  board 
for  tutorin’  him.  the  young  nephew. 

I s’pose  P.  Cypher  Bumpus  can’t  be  beat  on  elocu- 
tion ; he’s  studied  hard,  and  took  lessons  of  some  big 
elocutionists,  and  they  say  he  can  holler  up  as  loud, 

and  look  as  wild  as  the  biggest  of  ’em,  and  dwindle 
2* 


38 


THE  PRESIDENT. 


his  voice  down  as  low,  and  make  as  curious  motions 
as  the  curiousest  of  ’em.  Besides,  he  has  took  up 
lots  in  his  own  head.  He  is  very  smart,  naturally, 
and  has  stood  by  his  uncle  So-lomon  all  winter,  like  a 
Major.  And  considerin’  Solomon’s  age,  and  his  nat- 
ural mind — which  haint  none  of  the  best — and  his 
lameness,  I never  see  a man  make  such  headway  as 
Solomon  Cypher  has.  He  can  make  eloquent  and 
impressive  gestures,  very. 

Cornelius  Cork,  the  President,  they  say  has  been  a 
tryin  to  learn  himself ; has  tried  to  take  gestures  and 
motions  up  in  his  own  head ; but  bein’  a poor  ma;n 
and  not  bein’  able  to  hire  a teacher,  of  course  he  don’t 
make  much  headway;  don’t  git  along  nigh  so  well. 
He  haint  got  but  one  gesture  broke  in  so  he  can 
liandle  it  to  any  advantage,  and  that  is:  pointin’  his 
forefinger  at  the  audience,  with  the  rest  of  his  hand 
shet  up ; dartin’  it  out  sometimes,  as  if  it  was  a bay- 
onet he  was  goin’  to  run  through  their  hearts ; and 
sometimes  holdin’  it  back,  and  takin’  a more  distant 
and  deliberate  aim  with  it,  as  if  it  was  a popgun  he 
kep’  by  him  to  shoot  down  congregations  with.  That 
is  all  he  has  got  at  present ; but  truly,  he  does  the 
best  he  can,  with  what  he  has  to  do  with.  It  don’t 
scare  the  audience  so  much  I s’pose  as  he  thinks  it 
ort  to,  and  he  probable  gits  discouraged ; but  he  ort 
to  consider  that  he  can’t  show  off  much  in  gestures, 
while  Solomon  Cypher  is  livin’.  A kerosine  lamp 


PRONOUNCING  BY  EAR. 


39 


can’t  show  off  to  any  advantage  when  the  sun  gits  up. 
But  the  President  done  well  as  I said,  with  what  he 
had  to  do  with.  He  pin  ted  that  forefinger  almost 
threatningly  in  every  direction,  from  Zenith  to  Ha- 
than,  as  he  went  on  to  say : he  hadn’t  ,no  personal 
objections  to  Jo- 
siah  Allen’s  wife, 

^^fur  frummitP 
Cornelius  Cork 
bein’  a poor  man, 
and  shackled  with 
t h e"  support  of 
four'  maiden  sis- 
ters of  his  own, 
and  a mother-in- 
law  and  a grand- 
mother-in-law of 
his  wife’s,  besides 


own,  haint  never 
felt  able  to  own  a 
dictionary,  and  so 
he  pronounces  by  ear,  and  makes  mistakes.  But  con- 
siderin’ his  circumstances  and  shackles,  I don’t  think 
he  ort  to  be  run  down  for  it.  It  makes  it  very  bad, 
sometimes,  for  Solomon  Cypher,  for  he  bein’  so  took 
up  with  gestures  and  motions,  and  bein’  one  easy  led 


a large  family  of 
childern  of  their 


40 


PRINCIPLES  ABOVE  WOMEN. 


astray  by  them  that  are  in  high  ofiSce,  he  follers  on 
blindly  after  the  President  and  uses  lots  of  words  he 
wouldn’t  dremp  of  usin’,  if  he  hadn’t  heerd  the  Presi- 
dent use  ’em.  It  makes  it  bad  for  Solomon,  very. 

The  President  repeated  the  words  again,  with  dig- 
nity and  emphasis : fur  frummitP  He  trusted  he 
realized  too  well  whose  tower  it  was,  that  bein’  gone 
off  on,  had  lifted  Jones ville  fur  up  above  surroundin’ 
nations;  had  lifted  it  high  up  on  fame’s  towerin’ 
pillow,  and  shed  a lurid  light  on  the  housen  thereof. 
He  trusted  he  was  too  familiar  with  that  noble  book 
of  hern,  of  which  he  had  read  the  biggest  heft,^nd 
was  calculatin’  to  tackle  the  rest  of  it  if  he  lived  long 
enough.  And  he  had  said,  and  he  said  still,  that  such 
a book  as  that,  was  liable  to  live  and  go  down  to  Pos- 
terity, if  Posterity  didn’t  git  shiftless  and  hang  off‘ 
too  long.  And  if  anybody  said  it  wasn’t  liable  to,  he 
called  ’em  traitor,  to  the  face ; traitor  to  Jonesville ; 
traitor  to  Josiah  Allen’s  wife  ; traitor  to  Josiah.”. 

His  face  got  red  as  blood,  and  he  sweat  consider- 
able, he  talked  so  hard,  and  got  so  excited,  and 
pointed  that  forefinger  so  powerful  and  frequent  at 
the  audience,  as  if  he  was — in  spirit — shootin’  ’em 
down  like  wild  turkeys. 

Jest  as  quick  as  he  collected  breath  enough,  he 
went  on  to  say  that  though  nobody  could  go  aliead 
of  him  in  honorin’  that  esteemable  woman,  still  he 
sot  principle  up  in  his  mind  above  any  other  female; 


THE  PRESIDENT  QUOTES  LATIN. 


41 


higher  even  than  Josiah  Allen’s  wife.  It  was  solid 
principle  he  was  upholdin’ ; the  principle  of  the 
male  ‘sex  not  bein’  infringed  upon ; that  was  his 
stand.”  Says  he,  ^^  For  a female  woman  to  talk  in 
public  on  such  momentous  and  weighty  subjects — 
subjects  that  weigh  I don’t  know  what  they  wont 
weigh  but  this  I know : every  one  will  be  hefty ; — 
for  a female  woman  to  talk  on  those  deep  and  per- 
haps awful  subjects  as  they  are  a bein’  brung  up, 
would  have  a dangerous  tendency  to  make  a woman 
feel  as  if  she  was  equal  to  man.  It  would  have  a 
tendency  to  infringe  on  him ; and  if  there  is  anything 
a man  can’t,  nor  wont  stand,  it  is  infringin’.  And  it 
would  also  bring  her  into  too  close  contract  with  him ; 
and  so,  on  them  grounds,  as  a Latin  author  observes 
in  a similar  case : ^I  deny  her  the  right  in  tato  toto^  ” 
That  was  Latin,  and  I s’pose  he  thought  it  would 
scare  me,  but  it  didn’t  a mite ; for  I don’t  s’pose  he 
knew  what  it  meant  no  more’n  I did.  I bound  off 
my  heel  with  composure.  But  the  excitement  was 
fearful;  no  sooner  would  them  on  one  side  make 
a motion,  than  them  on  the  other  side  would  git  up 
and  make  a different  motion.  You  know  when  sheep 
go  to  jumpin’  over  the  fence,  if  one  goes,  they  all 
want  to  go.  There,  was  the  awfulest  sight  of  motions 
made,  I ever  see;  everybody  was  jumpin’  up  and 
makin’  ’em.  Why,  one  spell,  I had  to  lay  holt  of 
Josiah  Allen  and  hold  him  down  by  main  strength, 


42 


SIMON  SLIMPSBY  SPEAKS. 


or  lie’d  been  up  a makin’  ’em ; he  wanted  to,  and 
tried  to,  but  I laid  holt  of  him  and  argued  to  him. 
Says  I : 

“Let  ’em  fight  it  out;  don’t  you  make  a single 
motion,  Josiah  Allen.” 

And  Josiah,  feelin’  clever,  consented  not  to,  and 
sot  still,  and  I went  to  knittin’  again.  But  it  was  a 
scene  of  almost  fearful  confusion,  and  excitement. 
No  sooner  had  the  President  sot  down,  sayin’  he 
denied  me  the  right  “ in  tato  toto^  than  Simon  Slimp- 
sey  got  up  (with  difficulty)  and  says  he,  in  a almost 
thick  tone: 

“ I think  taint  best  to  give  her  the  potato.” 

He  had  been  a drinkin’  and  didn’t  know  what  he 
was  sayin’.  He  sot  down  again  right  off — had  to — 
for  he  couldn’t  stand  Tip.  But  as  he  kinder  fell  back 
on  his  seat,  he  kep’  a mutterin’  that  “ she  didn’t  ort 
to  have  the  potato  give  her ; she  didn’t  know  enough 
to  plant  the  tater,  or  hoe  it — she  hadn’t  ort  to  have 
it.” 

Nobody  minded  him.  But  Solomon  Cypher  jumped 
up,  and  says  he,  smitin’  his  breast  with  his  right  hand : 

“ I motion  she  haint  no  right  to  talk.”  And  again 
he  smote  his  breast  almost  severely. 

“ I motion  you  tell  on  what  grounds  you  make  the 
motion ! ” says  the  Editor  of  the  Gimlet,  jumpin’  up 
and  throwin’  his  head  back  nobly. 

“I  motion  yon  set  down  again,”  says  the  President, 


SOLOMON  CYPHER  GETS  EXCITED. 


43 


— takin’  aim  at  him  as  if  he  was  a mushrat — I motion 
you  set  down  and  give  him  a chance  to  git  up  and 
tell  why  he  made  the  motion.” 

So  the  Editor  of  the  Gimlet  sot  down,  and  Solo- 
mon Cypher  riz  up : 

stand  on  this  ground,”  (says  he,  stampin’  down 
his  right  foot,)  and  on  this  ground  I make  my 
motion : ” (says  he,  stampin’  down  his  left  one,  and 
smitin’  himself  a almost  dangerous  blow  in  the  breast,) 
that  this  society  haint  no  place  for  wimmen.  Her 
mind  haint  fit  for  it ; ^fur  frummit^  as  my  hon- 
ored friend,  the  President  observes, — ^fur  frummit^ 
There  is  deep  subjects  a goin’  to  be  brung  up  here, 
that  is  all  my  mind  can  do,  to  rastle  with  and  throw 
’em ; and  for  a female  woman’s  mind  to  tackle  ’em,  it 
would  be  like  settin’  a pismire  to  move  a meetin’ 
house.  Wimmen’s  minds  is  weak.” 

Here  he  smote  himself  a fearful  blow  right  in  the 
pit  of  his  stomach,  and  repeated  the  words  slowly 
and  impressively : 

Wimmen’s  minds  is  weak.  But  this  haint  the 
main  reason  why  I make  my  motion.  My  main 
reason  is,  that  T object,  and  I always  will — while  I 
have  got  a breath  left  in  my  body — object  to  the  two 
sexes  a cornin’ — as  my  honored  friend  the  President 
says — ^ in  such  close  contract  with  each  other,  as  they 
would  have  to  if  wimmen  took  any  part  with  men  in 
such  public  affairs.  Keep  separate  from  each  other ! 


44  PRESENT  SAFETY  AND  FUTURE  DANGERS. 


that  is  my  ground,  and  that  is  my  motion.  Keep 
wimmen  off  as  fur  as  you  can,  if  you  would  be  safe 
and  happy.  Men  has  their  place,’’  says  he, — stridin’ 
forred  a long  step  with  his  right  foot,  and  stretchin’ 
up  his  right  arm  nobly  towards  the  sky  as  fur  as  he 
could  with  safety  to  his  armpit — and  wimmen  has 
hern ! ” — steppin’  back  a long  step  with  his  left  foot, 
and  pintin’  down  with  his  left  hand,  down  through  a 
hole  in  the  floor,  into  the  cellar — and  it  is  necessary 
for  the  public  safety,”  says  he, — a smitin’  his  breast, 
flrst  with  his  right  hand  and  then  with  his  left — that 
he  keep  hisen,  and  she  hern.  As  the  nation  and  in- 
dividuals are  a goin’  on  now,  everything  is  safe.” 
(Here  he  stopped  and  smiled.)  The  nation  is  safe.” 
(Another  smile.)  And  men  and  wimmen  are  safe, 
for  they  don’t  come  in  contract  with  each  other.  ’ 
(Here  he  stopped  and  smiled  three  times.)  But  if 
wimmen  are  ever  permitted  in  the  future  to  take  any 
part  in  public  afiairs ; if  they  are  ever  permitted  to 
‘ come  in  contract  with  man,  and  bring  thereby  ruin, 
deep,  deadly  ruin  onto  Jonesville  and  the  world,  I 
want  Jonesville  and  the  world  to  remember  that  I 
have  cleared  my  coat-skirts  in  the  matter.  I lift  ’em 
out  of  the  fearful  and  hazardous  enterprise.” 

He  had  an  old-fashioned  dress  coat  on,  with  long 
skirts,  that  come  most  to  the  floor,  and  as  he  said  this, 
he  lifted  ’em  up  with  a almost  commandin’  air,  as  if 
he  was  a liftin’  ’em  out  of  black  mud.  He  lifted  ’em 


A DEADLY  BLOW. 


45 


right  up,  and  they  stood  out  in  front  of  his  arms, 
some  like  wings ; and,  as  he  stood  lookin’  round  the 
audience,  in  this  commandin’  and  imposin’  position, 
he  repeated  the  words  in  a more  lofty  and  majestic 
tone : 

clear  my  coat-skirts  of  the  hull  matter.  You 
see  me  clear  ’em. 

None  of  the  bloody 
ruin  can  be  laid  on- 
to my  coat-skirts.” 

It  was  a thrillin’ 
moment.  It  had  a 
terribly  depressin’ 
effect  on  a great 
many  lovers  of  jus- 
tice and  wimmen’s 
votin’,  who  was 
present.  They  see 
the  dangers  hedgin’ 
in  the  enterprise. 


/.Mu 

A thrillin’  moment. 


as  they  never  see 
’em  before.  They 
see  the  power  of  the  foe  they  was  fightin’  ag’inst, 
and  trembled  and  quailed  before  him.  But  though  I 
realized  well  what  was  a goin’  on  before  me,  though 
I knew  what  a deadly  blow  he  was  a givin’  to  the 
cause,  I held  firm,  and  kep’  a cool  mean,  and  never 
thought  for  half  a moment  of  givin’  up  my  shield. 


46  SOLOMON  OITE8  DUE  NOTICE  OF  HIS  FOSITION. 


And  then  I knew  it  wasn’t  so  much  his  words — al- 
though they  was  witherin’ — as  his  lofty  majesty  of 
bearin’,  that  influenced  the  almost  breathless  audi- 
ence. He  stood  in  that  commandin’  posture,  I have 
described,  for  I should  judge,  nearly  one  moment  and 
a half,  and  then  he  repeated  the  words : 

“For  I say  unto  you,” — and  here  he  dropped  his 
coat-skirts  suddenly,  and  struck  himself  in  the  breast 
a sudden  and  violent,  blow  with  his  thumb, — the  fin- 
gers all  standin’  out  straight,  like  the  bones  of  a fan — 
“ for  I say  unto  you  ; and  if  these  are  the  last  words 
you  shall  ever  hear  from  my  humble  but  perfectly 
honorable  mouth,  — remember,  Jonesville  and  the 
world,  that  I died  a sayin’,  beware  of  the  female 
pole.” 

I never  in  my  hull  life  heerd  a pole  sound  so  faint 
and  sickly  as  that  pole  did.  It  dwindled  away  al- 
most to  nothin’,  and  he  kinder  shet  his  eyes  up 
and  sallied  away,  as  if  he  was  a goin  to  die  off  him- 
self. It  skairt  some  of  the  wimmen  most  to  death,  it 
was  so  impressive ; but  I knew  it  was  all  the  effect 
of  high  trainin’ ; I knew  he  would  come  to  in  a 
minute,  and  he  did.  Pretty  soon  he  kinder  repeated 
the  words,  in  a sickly  tone : 

“ Remember,  I died  a sayin’ : beware  of  the  female 
pole.  Beware  ! beware  ! ! ” 

And  oh,  how  skairt  them  wimmen  was  again ; 
for  he  straightened  right  up  and  yelled  out  them 


EFFECTS  OF  HIGH  TRAININ'. 


47 


two  bewares,  like  a couple  of  claps  of  thunder ; and 
his  eyes  kep’  a growin’  bigger  and  bigger,  and  his 
voice  grew  louder  and  louder,  till  it  seemed  as  if  it 
would  raise  the  very  ruff— though  it  had  jest  been 
new  shingled,  (cost  the  deestrick  20  dollars,) — and  he 
looked  round  the  audience  as  wise  as  any  owl  I ever 
laid  eyes  on,  and  struck  himself  a very  fearful  blow 
with  his  thumb,  right  on  his  stomach,  and  says  he : 

Beware  of  bein’  infringed  upon  ! ” — and  then  fol- 
lowed another  almost  dangerous  blow — Beware  of 
that  terrible  and  fearful  day,  when  men  and  wimmen 
shall  come  in  contract  with  each  other.” 

He  stopped  perfectly  still,  looked  all  round  the 
house  with  that  wise  and  almost  owl-like  look  on 
him,  and  then  in  a slow,  impressive,  and  eloquent 
manner,  he  raised  his  hands  and  struck  his  breast 
bone  with  both  thumbs  and  sot  down.  Some  of  the 
speakers  seemed  to  be  real  envious  of  his  gestures, 
but  they  ort  to  have  considered  that  it  was  all  in 
knowin’  how  ; it  was  all  in  practice.  He’d  probably 
studied  on  every  motion  for  days  and  days,  and  they 
hadn’t  ort  to  have  begreched  ’em  so  to  him.  But  if 
he  hadn’t  never  studied  on  elocution  and  impressive 
gesturin’ ; if  he  hadn’t  looked  a mite  like  an  owl  for 
solemnity  and  wisdom,  his  talk  would  have  been  dret- 
ful  impressive  and  scareful  to  some,  he  painted  it  all 
out  in  such  high  colors,  what  a terrible  and  awful 
thing  it  would  be  for  the  two  sects  to  ever  come  in 


48  HOW  IT  WOULD  STRIKE  A STRANGER. 

contract  with  each  other/’  I s’pose  he  meant  con- 
tact,— I haint  a doubt  of  it. 

Why,  to  have  heerd  him  go  on,  if  there  had  been  a 
delegate  present  to  the  Creation  Searchin’  Society,” 
from  the  moon — or  any  other  world  adjacent  to  Jones- 
ville — he  wouldn’t  have  had  any  idee  that  men  and 
wimmen  had  ever  got  any  nearer  to  each  other  than 
from  half  to  three-quarters  of  a mile.  I s’pose  I 


SUNDAY  SLUMBERS. 


never  could  have  made  that  foreigner  believe,  if  I 
had  talked  myself  blind,  that,  for  all  Solomon  Cypher 


THE  SPEAKERS  GET  EXCITED. 


49 


showed  such  deadly  fear  of  men  cornin’  in  contract  ” 
with  wimmen,  he  had  lived  with  one  forty  years; 
drinked  out  of  the  same  dipper ; slept  together  Sun- 
days in  the  same  pew  of  the  same  meetin’  house ; and 
brought  up  a big  family  of  childern  together,  which 
belonged  to  both  on  ’em. 

Howsumever,  them  was  the  facts  of  the  case ; but 
I let  him  go  on,  for  principle  held  me  down,  and 
made  me  want  to  know  how  it  would  end ; whether 
freedom,  and  the  principles  of  our  4 fathers  would 
triumph,  or  whether  they  would  be  qiiirled  up  like 
caterpillers,  and  be  trod  on. 

I knew  in  my  mind  I shouldn’t  git  up  and  talk, 
not  if  they  voted  me  in  ten  times  over,  for  reasons 
that  I give  more  formally  ; and  besides  them  reasons, 
I was  lame,  and  had  ruther  set  and  knit,  for  Josiah 
needed  his  socks ; and  I have  always  said,  and  I say 
still,  that  a woman  ort  to  make  her  family  comfortable, 
before  she  tackles  the  nation,  or  the  heathen,  or 
anything. 

So  they  kep’  on  a fightin’,  and  I kep’  on  a knittin’ ; 
and  upheld  by  principle,  I never  let  on  but  w^hat  I 
was  dyin’  to  git  up  and  talk.  They  got  awful  worked 
up  on  it ; they  got  as  mad  as  hens,  every  one  on  ’em, 
all  but  Josiah.  He  sot  by  me  as  happy  as  you  please, 
a holdin’  my  ball  of  yarn.  He  acted  cleverer  than 
he  had  in  some  time ; he  was  awful  clever  and  happy  ; 
and  so  was  I ; we  felt  well  in  our  2 minds,  as  we  sot 


50 


LONESOMENESS  OF  CROWDS. 


there  side  by  side,  while  the  fearful  waves  of  con- 
fusion and  excitement,  and  Cornelius  Cork  and  Solo- 
mon Cypher,  was  a testin’  to  and  fro  about  us. 

And  oh,  how  happyfyin’  and  consolin’  and  satisfy- 
in’  to  the  mind  it  is,  when  the  world  is  angry  and 
almost  mad  at  you,  to  set  by  the  side  of  them  you 
are  attached  to  hy  links  considerable  stronger  than 
cast  iron.  In  the  midst  of  the  wildest  tempests, 
you  feel  considerable  safe,  and  some  composed.  No 
matter  if  you  don’t  speak  a word  to  them,  nor  they 
to  you,  their  presence  is  sufficient;  without  ’em, 
though  you  may  be  surrounded  by  admirin’  congre- 
gations, there  is,  as  the  poet  says,  a goneness ; ” the 
biggest  crowds  are  completely  unsatisfactory,  and 
dwindle  down  to  the  deepest  lonesomeness.  Though 
the  hull  world  should  be  a holdin’  you  up,  you  would 
feel  tottlin’  and  lonesome,'  but  the  presence  of  the 
one  beloved,  though  he  or  she — as  the  case  may  be — 
may  not  be  hefty  at  all,  still  is  large  enough  to  fill 
a meetin’  house,  or  old  space  himself  without  ’em ; 
and  truly,  when  heart  leans  upon  heart,  (figgeratively 
speakin’)  there  is  a rest  in  it  that  feather  beds  cannot 
give,  neither  can  they  take  away.  My  companion 
Josiah’s  face  shines  with  that  calm,  reposeful  happi- 
ness, when  he  is  in  my  society,  and  I — although  I 
know  not  why  I do — experience  the  same  emotions 
in  hisen. 

Finally,  at  half  past  eleven — ^and  they  was  com- 


A COMBINED  EFFORT. 


51 


pletely  tuckered  out  on  both  sides — the  enemies  of 
wimmen’s  suffragin’  and  justice,  kinder  all  put  to- 
gether and  brought  in  a motion,  Solomon  Cypher  bein’ 
chief  bearer  and  spokesman  of  the  procession.  They 
raised  him  up  to  this  prominent  position,  because  he 
was  such  a finished  speaker.  The  motion  was  clothed 
upon  in  eloquent  and  imaginative  language.  Solo- 
mon Cypher  never  got  it  up  alone.  Cornelius  Cork, 
and  the  Editor  of  the  Auger,  and  probable  two  or 
three  others  had  a hand  in  it,  and  helped  git  it  up.  It 
had  a almost  thrillin’  effect  on  the  audience ; though, 
by  jest  readin’  it  over,  nobody  can  git  any  clear  idee 
how  it  sounded  to  hear  Solomon  Cypher  declaim  it 
forth  with  appropriate  and  impressive  gestures,  and 
a lofty  and  majestic  expressipn  onto  him.  This  was 
the  motion : 

Be  it  resolved  over,  and  motioned  at,  and 
acted  upon  by  us,  ‘Creation  Searchers  and  World 
Investigators,’  that  wimmen’s  body  and  mind,  are 
both  of  ’em,  as  much  too  weak  and  feeble  to  tackle 
the  subjects  that  will  be  brung  up  here,  as  a span  of 
pismires  are,  to  lay  to  and  move  a meetin’  house.” 

After  he  had  finished  makiii’  the  motion,  he  stood  a 
moment  and  a half  lookin’  round  on  the  audience  with 
a smile  on  his  lips,  while  such  is  the  perfect  control 
he  has  got  by  hard  practice  over  his  features,  that  at 
the  same  time  his  mouth  was  a smilin’,  there  was  a 
severe  and  even  gloomy  expression  on  the  upper  part 


52 


SAMANTHA  RETURNS  THANKS. 


of  liis  face,  and  an  empty  and  vacant  look  in  liis  eyes. 
Then  he  smote  himself  meaningly  and  impressively 
in  the  pit  of  his  stomach,  and  sot  down.  And  then,  as 

it  was  considerable  still 
for  a moment,  I spoke 
calmly  out  of  my  seat  to 
the  Editor  of  the  Gim- 
let,  who  happened  to  be 
a standin’  near,  and 
^ thanked  him  and  the 
^ others  on  his  side,  for 
their  * labors  in  my  be- 
half, and  told  ’em  I 
I'  hadn’t  no  idee  of  takin’ 
part  in  their  Debatin’- 
school,  (I  called  it  so  be- 
fore I thought,)  and 
hadn’t  had,  none  of  the 


EDITOR  OF  THE  GIMLET. 


time.  And  then,  with  a calm  and  collected  mean  onto 
me,  I knit  in  the  middle  of  my  needle,  and  Josiah 
wound  up  my  ball  of  yarn,  and  we  started  for  home. 

But  I wasn’t  goin’  to  stay  away  from  the  Debatin’- 
school  because  they  looked  down  on  the  female  sect 
and  felt  awful  kinder  contemptible  towards  ’em. 
Other  folks’es  opinions  of  us  hadn’t  ort  to  influence 
us  ag’inst  them.  Because  a person  is  prejudiced 
ag’inst  me,  and  don’t  like  me,  that  haint  no  reason 
why  I shouldn’t  honor  what  good  qualities  she  has. 


AN  UNSETTLED  QUESTION. 


53 


and  respect  what  is  respectable  in  him.  (I  don’t 
know  jest  how  to  git  the  sect  down,  to  git  it  right. 
I calculate  to  be  very  exact,  as  strict  and  scientific  as 
a yard-stick,  even  in  the  time  of  allegorin’ ; but  hav- 
in’ so  much  work,  and  the  Widder  Doodle  on  my 
hands,  I haint  studied  into  it  so  deep  as  I had  ort  to, 
whether  a Debatin’-school,  in  the  times  of  allegorin’, 
should  be  called  a he,  or  a she.) 

But  howsumever,  as  I said,  I laid  out  to  be  present 
at  ’em,  jest  the  same.  And  it  was  to  this  Debatin’- 
scho — I mean  Lyceum,  that  the  idee  first  entered  my 
head,  of  goin’  to  Filadelfy  village  to  see  the  Sentinal ; 
of  which,  more  hereafter,  and  anon. 


8 


THE  WIDDER  DOODLE. 


AS  I mentioned,  more  formally  Josiah’s  brother’s 
wife  had  come  to  live  with  us.  My  opinion  is 
she  is  most  a natural  fool ; howsumever,  bein’  one  of 
the  relations  on  his  side,  I haint  told  her  what  I think 
of  her,  but  bear  with  her  as  I would  wish  the  rela- 
tions on  my  side  to  be  bore  with  by  Josiah.  How 
long  she  will  live  with  us,  that  I don’t  know.  But 
she  haint  no  place  to  go  to,  and  we  can’t  turn  her  out 
of  doors ; so  it  looks  dark  to  me,  for  it  is  a considera- 
ble sized  tribulation,  that  I don’t  deny  ; fools  was 

^ 

always  dretful  wearin’  to  me.  But  I don’t  ort  to  call 
her  a fool,  and  wouldn’t  say  it  where  it  would  git  out, 
yfor  the  world.  But  she  don’t  know  no  more’n  the 
law’l  allow,  that  I 'will  contend  for  boldly  with  my 
last  breath. 

But  if  her  principles  was  as  hefty  as  cast-iron,  and 
her  intellect  as  bright  as  it  is  t’other  way — if  it  was 

bright  as  day — she  would  be  a sort  of  a drawback  to 

54 


GUIDED  BY  DUTY. 


66 


happiness — anybody  would,  whether  it  was  a he  or  a 
she.  Home  is  a Eden  jest  large  enough  to  hold 
Adam  and  Eve  and  the  family,  and  when  a stranger 
enters  its  gate  to  camp  down  therein  for  life  with  you, 
a sort  of  a cold  chill  comes  in  with  ’em.  You  may 
like  ’em,  and  wish  ’em  well,  and  do  the  best  you  can 
with  ’em,  but  you  feel  kinder  choked  up,  and  bound 
down ; there  is  a sort  of  a tightness  to  it ; you  can’t  for 
your  life  feel  so  loose  and  soarin’  as  you  did  when 
you  was  alone  with  Josiah  and  the  childern. 

But  I am  determined  to  put  up  with  her  and  do 
the  best  I can.  She  hadn’t  no  home,  and  was  a 
cornin’  on  the  town,  so  Josiah  thought  for  the  sake 
of  Tim — that  was  his  brother — it  was  our  duty  to  take 
her  in  and  do  for  her.  And  truly  Duty’s  apron 
strings  are  the  only  ones  we  can  cling  to  with  perfect 
safety.  Inclination  sometimes  wears  a far  more 
shining  apron,  and  her  glitterin’  strings  flutter  down 
before  you  invitingly,  and  you  feel  as  if  you  must 
leggo  of  Duty,  and  lay  holt  of  ’em.  But  my  friends, 
safety  is  not  there ; her  strings  are  thin,  and  slazy,  and 
liable  to  fall  to  pieces  any  minute.  But  hang  on  to 
Duty’s  apron  strings  boldly  and  blindly,  get  a good 
holt  and  have  no  fear ; let  her  draw  you  over  rough 
pathways,  through  dark  valleys,  up  the  mounting 
side,  and  through  the  deep  waters ; don’t  be  afraid, 
but  hang  on.  The  string  won’t  break  with  you,  and 
the  country  she  will  lead  you  into  is  one  that  can’t  be 
bettered. 


56 


THE  FORGOTTEN  PARDNER. 


Her  first  husband  was  Josiah’s  only  brother.  He 
died  a few  years  after  they  were  married,  and  then 
she  married  to  another  man,  David  Doodle  by  name 
and  a shiftless  creeter  by  nater — but  good  lookin’,  so  I 

h e a r n.  Howsum- 
ever,  I don’t  know 
nothin’  about  it 
only  by  liearsay,  for 
I never  laid  eyes  on 
none  of  the  lot  till 
she  come  on  to  us 
for  a home.  They 
lived  out  to  the 
Ohio.  But  she  fair- 
ly worships  that 
Doodle  to  this  day, 
talks  about  him  day 
and  night.  I haint 
heerd  her  say  a 
dozen  Tvords  about 
Josiah’s  brother 
Timothy,  though  they  say  he  was  a likely  man,  and  a 
good  provider,  and  did  well  by  her.  Left  her  a good 
farm,  all  paid  for,  and  Doodle  run  tlirough  it ; and 
five  cows  and  two  horses ; and  Doodle  run  through 
them,  and  a colt. 

But  she  don’t  seem  to  remember  that  she  ever  had 
no  such  husband  as  Timothy  Allen,  which  I know 
makes  it  the  more  wearin’  onto  Josiah,  though  he 


DAVID  DOODLE, 


A FATIGUING  EXERCISE. 


57 


don’t  complain.  But  he  thought  a sight  of  Tim — 
they  used  to  sleep  together  when  they  was  children, 
and  heads  that  lay  on  the  same  mother’  bosom,  can’t 
git  so  fur  apart  but  what  memory  will  unite  ’em. 
They  got  separated  when  they  grew  up ; Tim  went 
to  the  Ohio  to  live,  as  I say,  but  still,  when  Josiah’s 
thoughts  git  to  travelin’,  as  thoughts  will, — I never 
see  such  critters  to  be  on  the  go  all  the  time — they 
take  him  back  to  tlie  old  trundle-bed,  and  Tim. 

But  she  don’t  mention  brother  Timothy  only  when 
Josiah  asks  her  about  him.  But  Doodle  ! I can  truly 
say  without  lyin’  that  if  ever  a human  bein’  got  sick 
of  any  thing  on  earth,  I got  sick  of  Doodle,  sick 
enough  of  him.  Bein’  shet  up  in  the  house  with 
her  I sense  it  more  than  Josiah  does.  It  is  Doodle 
in  the  morning,  and  Doodle  at  noon,  and  Doodle  at 
night,  and  Doodle  between  meals ; and  if  she  talks  in 
her  sleep — which  she  is  quite  a case  to — it  is  about 
Doodle.  I don’t  complain  to  Josiah  much,  knowin’ 
it  will  only  make  his  road  the  harder ; but  I told 
Thomas  Jefferson  one  day,  after  she  had  jest  finished 
a story  about  her  and  Doodle  that  took  her  the  biggest 
part  of  the  forenoon,  for  the  particulars  that  slie  will 
put  in  about  nothin’,  is  enough  to  make  any  body 
sweat  in  the  middle  of  winter.  She  had  went  and 
lay  down  in  her  room  after  she  got  through ; and  good 
land  ! I should  think  she  would  want  to — I should 
think  she  would  have  felt  tuckered  out.  And  I says 
to  Thomas  Jefferson — and  I sithed  as  I said  it: 


68 


/ 


HARD  ON  SAMANTHA. 


“ It  does  seem  as  if  Doodle  will  be  the  death  of 
me.”  And  I sithed  again  several  times. 

^^Wall,”  says  he,  ‘^if  he  should,  I will  write  a 
handsome  piece  of  poetry  on  it ; ” says  he,  Alf  Ten- 
nyson and  Shakespeare  have  written  some  pretty  fair 
pieces,  but  mine  shall 

**  Beat  the  hull  caboodle, 

And  the  burden  of  the  him  shall  be, 

That  mother  died  of  Doodle.*’ 

I stopped  sithin’  then,  and  I says  to  him  in  real 
severe  tones,  You  needn’t  laugh  Thomas  J.,  I’d  love 
to  see  you  try  it  one  day.”  Says  I,  You  and  your 
father  bein’  outdoors  all  day,  when  you  come  in  for  a 
few  minutes  to  your  meals,  her  stiddy  stream  of  talk 
is  as  good  as  a circus  to  you,  sunthin’  on  the  plan  of 
a side  show.  But  you  be  shet  up  with  it  all  day  long, 
day  after  day,  and  week  after  week,  and  then  see  how 
you  would  feel  in  your  mind ; then  see  how  the  name 
of  Doodle  would  sound  in  your  ear.” 

But  I try  to  do  the  best  I can  with  her.  As  I said, 
how  long  she  will  stay  with  us  I don’t  know.  But  I 
don’t  s’pose  there  is  any  hopes  of  her  marry  in’  again. 
When  she  first  came  to  live  with  us,  I did  think — to 
tell  the  plain  truth — that  she  would  marry  again 
if  she  got  a chance.  I thought  I see  symptoms  of  it. 
But  it  wasn’t  but  a few  days  after  that  that  I give  up 
the  hope,  for  she  told  me  that  it  wasn’t  no  ways 
likely  that  she  should  ever  marry  again.  She  talks  a 
sight  about  Doodle’s  face,  always  calls  it  his  Mine- 


SAMANTHA’S  TONIC. 


59 


ment  says  it  is  printed  on  her  heart,  and  it  haint  no 
ways  likely  that  she  will  ever  see  another  linement, 
that  will  look  to  her  as  good  as  Mr.  Doodle’s  linement. 

I declare  for’t,  sometimes  when  she  is  goin’  on,  I 
have  to  call  on  the  martyrs  in  my  own  mind  almost 
wildly,  call  on  every  one  I ever  heerd  of,  to  keep  my 
principles  stiddy,  and  keep  me  from  sayin’  snnthin’ 
I should  be  sorry  for.  Sometimes  when  she  is  goin’ 
on  for  hours  about  Doodle  and  his  linement  ” and 
so  forth,  I set  opposite  to  her  with  my  knittin’  work 
in  my  hand,  with  no  trace  on  the  outside,  of  the 
almost  fearful  tempest  goin’  on  inside  of  me.  There 
I’ll  be,  a bindin’  off  my  heel,  or  seamin’  two  and  one, 
or  toein’  off,  as  the  case  may  be ; calm  as  a summer 
mornin’  on  the  outside,  but  on  the  inside  I am  a sayin’ 
over  to  myself  in  silent  but  almost  piercin’  tones  of 
soul  agony  : 

John  Rogers  ! Smithfleld  ! nine  children,  one  at 
the  breast!  Grid-irons!  thum-screws!  and  so  4th, 
and  so  4th ! ” It  has  a dretful  good  effect  on  me,  I 
think  over  what  these  men  endured  for  principle,  and 
I will  say  to  myself : 

^^Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  has  not  your  heart  almost 
burnt  up  within  you  a thinkin’  of  these  martyrs? 
Have  you  not  in  rapped  moments  had  longin’s  of  the 
sole  to  be  a martyr  also  ? Lofty  principle  may  boy 
the  soul  up  triumphant,  but  there  can’t  be  anybody 
burnt  up  without  smartin’,  and  fire  was  jest  as  hot  in 
them  days  as  it  is  now,  and  no  hotter.  If  David 


60 


THE  RELIC. 


Doodle  is  the  stake  on  which  yon  are  to  be  offered 
up,  be  calm  Samantha — be  calm.” 

So  I would  be  a talkin’  to  myself,  and  so  she  would 
be  a goin’  on,  and  though  I have  suffered  pangs  that 
can’t  be  expressed  about,  my  principles  have  grown 
more  hefty  from  day  to  day.  I begun  to  look  more 
lofty  in  mean,  and  sometimes  I have  been  that  boyed 
up  by  hard  principle,  that  jest  to  see  what  heights  a 
human  mind  could  git  up  on  to,  while  the  body  was 
yet  on  the  ground,  I would  begin  myself  about 

Doodle.  And  so, 
speakin’  in  a mar- 
tyr way,  the  Wid- 
der  Doodle  was  not 
made  in  vain. 

She  is  a small 
boneded  woman, 
dretful  softly  look- 
in’ ; and  truly,  her 
looks  don’t  be- 
lie her,  for  she 
seems  to  me  that 
soft,  that  if  she 
should  bump  her 
head,  I don’t  see 
what  is  to  hinder  it 


WIDDER  DOODLE. 


from  flattin’  right  out  like  a piece  of  putty.  I guess 
she  was  pretty  good  lookin’  in  her  day ; on  no  other 
grounds  can  I account  for  it,  that  two  men  ever  took 


OUT  AT  SEA. 


61 


after  her.  Her  eyes  are  round  as  blue  beads,  and 
sort  of  surprised  lookin’,  she  is  light  complected, 
and  her  mouth  is  dretful  puckered  up  and  drawed 
down.  Josiah  can’t  bear  her  looks — he  has  told  me 
So  in  confidence  a number  of  times — but  I told  him  I 
have  seen  wimmen  that  looked  worse ; and  I have. 

I have  seen  them  that  looked  far  better,”  says  he. 

Who  Josiah  ? ” says  I. 

Says  he,  Father  Smith’s  daughter,  Samantha.” 

Josiah  thinks  a sight  of  me,  it  seems  to  grow  on 
him ; and  with  me  also,  it  is  ditto  and  the  same. 

When  two  souls  set  out  in  married  life,  a sailin’ 


“the  voyage  of  life.” 


out  on  the  sea  of  True  Love,  they  must  expect  to 

steer  at  first  through  rocks,  and  get  tangled  in  the 
3* 


62 


CLOUDY  WEATHER. 


sea  weed,  the  rocks  of  opposing  wills,  and  the  sea 
weed  of  selfishness.  And  before  they  get  the  hang 
of  the  boat  it  will  go  contrary,  squalls  will  rise  and 
most  upset  it,  and  they’ll  hist  up  the  wrong  sails  and 
tighten  the  wrong  ropes  and  act  like  fools  generally. 
And  they’ll  be  sick,  very ; and  will  sometimes  look 
back  with  regret  to  the  lonesome,  but  peaceful  shores 
they  have  left,  and  wish  they  hadn’t  never  sot  out. 

But  if  they’ll  be  patient  and  steer  their  boat  straight 
and  wise,  a calmer  sea  is  ahead,  deeper  waters  of  trust 
and  calm  affection,  in  which  their  boat  will  sail  on- 
wards first  rate.  They’ll  git  past  the  biggest  heft  of 
the  rocks,  and  git  the  nack  of  sailin’  round  the  ones 
that  are  left  so’s  not  to  hit  ’em  nigh  so  often,  and 
the  sea  weed,  unbeknown  to  them,  will  kinder  drizzle 
out,  and  disappear  mostly. 

I don’t  have  to  correct  Josiah  near  so  much  as  I 
used  to,  though  occasionally,  when  I know  I am  in 
the  right,  I set  up  my  authority,  and  will  be  minded ; 
and  he  hisen.  I never  see  a couple  yet,  whether 
they’d  own  it  or  not,  but  what  would  have  their  little 
spats ; but  good  land ! if  they  love  each  other  they 
git  right  over  it,  and  it  is  all  fair  weather  again.  The 
little  breeze  clears  the  air,  and  the  sun  will  shine  out 
again  clear  as  pure  water,  and  bright  as  a dollar. 

Sister  Doodle,  (Josiah  thought  it  was  best  to  call 
her  so  some  of  the  time,  he  thought  it  would  seem 
more  friendly)  she  says,  the  widder  does,  that  she 
never  see  a couple  live  together  any  happier  and 


DOODLE’S  DEEP  LOVE. 


63 


agreabler  than  me  and  Josiah  live  together.  She  told 
me  it  reminded  her  dretfully  of  her  married  life  with 
Doodle.  (Josiah  had  cooed  at  me  a very  little  that 
mornin’ — not  much,  for  he  knows  I don’t  encourage 
it  in  him.) 

Truly  Doodle  is  her  theme,  but  I hold  firm. 

She  was  a helpin’  me  wash  my  dishes,  and  she 
begun : how  much  Josiah  and  I reminded  her  of  her 
and  Doodle. 

Says  she — Nobody  knows  how  much  that  man 
thought  of  me;  he  would  say  sometimes  in  the 
winter  when  we  would  wake  up  in  the  mornin’ : ^ My 
dear  Dolly,’ — he  used  to  call  me  that,  though  my 
name  is  Nabby,  but  he  said  I put  him  in  mind  so  of  a 
doll,  that  he  couldn’t  help  callin’  me  so — ^ My  dear 
Dolly,’  he’d  say,  ^ I have  been  a dreamin’  about  you.’ 

^ Have  you  Mr.  Doodle  ? ’ says  I. 

‘‘^Yes,’  says  he,  have  been  a dreamin’  how 
much  I love  you,  and  how  pretty  you  are — jest  as 
pretty  as  a pink  posy.’  Them  was  Mr.  Doodle’ses 
very  words  : ^ a pink  posy.’ 

^H’d  say, — ^Oh  shaw,  Mr.  Doodle,  I guess  you 
are  tryin’  to  foolish  me.’ 

Says  he — ^ I haint,  I dremp  it.’  And  then  there 
would  come  such  a sweet  smile  all  over  his  linement, 
and  he  would  say : 

Dolly,  I love  to  dream  about  you.’ 

“ ^ Do  you,  Mr.  Doodle  ? ’ says  I. 

“ ‘ Tes,’  says  he,  ^and  it  seems  jest  as  if  I want  to 


64 


SOLID  COMFORT. 


go  to  sleep  and  have  another  nap,  jest  a purpose  to 
dream  about  you.’ 

“ And  so  I would  git  up  and  cut  the  kindlin’  wood, 
and  build  the  fire,  and  feed  the  cows,  and  go  round  the 
house  a gettin’  breakfast,  as  still  as  a mice  so’s  not  to 
disturb  him,  and  he’d  lay  and  sleep  till  I got  the  coflfee 

turned  out,  then 
he’d  git  up  and  tell 
me  his  dream.  It 
would  be  all  about 
how  pretty  I was, 
and  how  much  he 
loved  me  and  how 
he  would  die  for 
my  sake  any  time 
to  keep  the  wind 
from  bio  win’  too 
hard  onto  me.  And 
he  would  eat  jest 
as  hearty  and  en- 
joy himself  dret- 
fully.  Oh ! we  took  a sight  of  comfort  together,  me 
and  Mr.  Doodle  did.  And  I can’t  never  forget  him ; 
I can’t  never  marry  again,  his  linement  is  so  stamped 
onto  my  memory.  Oh,  no,  I can’t  never  forgit  his 
linement ; no  other  man’s  linement  can  be  to  me  what 
his  linement  was.” 

She  stopped  a minute  to  ask  me  where  she  should 
set  the  dishes  she  had  wiped,  and  I was  glad  of  the 


MORE  OF  DOODLE'S  LOVE. 


respit,  though  I knew  it  would  be  but  a short  one. 
And  I was  right,  for  in  settin’  up  the  dishes,  she  see 
a little  milk  pitcher  that  belonged  to  my  first  set  of 
dishes;  there  was  a woman  painted  onto  it,  and  that 
set  her  to  goin’  again.  Truly,  there  is  nothin’  on  the 
face  of  the  earth,  or  in  the  sky  above,  but  what  re- 
minds her,  in  some  way,  of  Doodle.  I have  known 
the  risin’  sun  to  set  her  to  goin’,  and  the  fire-shovel, 
and  the  dust-pan.  She  held  the  pitcher  pensively  in 
her  hand  a minute  or  two,  and  then  she  says  : 

This  picture  looks  as  I did,  when  I married  Mr. 
Doodle.  I was  dretful  pretty,  so  he  used  to  tell  me ; 
too  pretty  to  have  any  hardships  put  onto  me,  so  he 
used  to  say.  There  was  considerable  talk  about  wim- 
men’s  votin’,  about  that  time,  and  he  said  there  wasn’t 
money  enough  in  the  world  to  tempt  him  to  let  his 
Dolly  vote.  Anything  so  wearin’  as  that,  he  said  he 
should  protect  me  from  as  long  as  he  had  a breath 
left  in  his  body.  He  used  to  git  dretful  excited 
about  it,  he  thought  so  much  of  me.  He  said  it 
would  ‘ wear  a woman  right  out ; and  how  should  I 
feel,’  says  he,  ^ to  see  my  Dolly  wore  out.’ 

He  couldn’t  use  to  bear  to  have  me  go  a visitin’, 
either.  He  said  talkin’  with  neighborin’  wimmen’ 
was  wearin’  too,  and  to  have  to  come  home  and  git 
supper  for  him  after  dark  ; he  said  he  couldn’t  bear 
to  see  me  do  it.  He  never  was  no  hand  to  pick  up 
a supper,  and  I always  had  to  come  home  and  git 
his  supper  by  candle  light — meat  vittles ; he  always 


66  DOODLE  ON  WIMMEN’S  VOTIN’/^ 

had  to  have  jest  what  he  wanted  to  eat,  or  it  made 
him  sick,  he  was  one  of  that  kind — give  him  the  palsy. 
He  never  had  the  palsy,  but  he  always  said  that  all 
that  kep’  him  from  it,  was  havin’  jest  what  he  wanted 
to  eat,  jest  at  the  time  he  wanted  it ; and  so  he  wmuld 
lay  down  on  the  lounge  while  I got  his  supper  ready. 
I’d  have  to  begin  at  the  very  beginning,  for  he  never 
was  one  of  the  men  that  could  hang  over  the  tea-kettle, 
or  git  up  potatoes,  or  anything  of  that  sort ; and  I’d 
most  always  have  to  build  up  the  fire,  for  he  thought 
it  wasn’t  a man’s  place  to  do  such  things.  He  was  a 
dretful  hand  to  want  everybody  to  keep  their  place ; 
that  was  one  reason  why  he  felt  so  strong  about 
wimmen’s  votin’.  He  had  a deep,  sound  mind,  my 
Doodle  did.  But,  as  I said,  he’d  lay  on  the  lounge 
and  wmrry  so  about  its  bein’  too  much  for  me;  that, 
ruther  than  make  him  feel  so  bad,  I give  up  visitin’ 
almost  entirely.  But  he  never  worried  about  that,  so 
much  as  he  did  about  votin’ ; it  seemed  as  if  the 
thought  of  that  almost  killed  him.  He  said  that  with 
my  health,  (I  didn’t  enjoy  very  good  health  then)  I 
wouldn’t  stand  it  a year ; I would  wilt  right  down 
under  it.  Oh  ! how  much  that  man  did  think  of  me ! 

When  I would  be  a workin’  in  the  garden,  (I  took 
all  the  care  of  the  garden,)  or  when  I would  be  a 
pickin’  up  chips — we  was  kinder  bothered  for  wood — 
he’d  set  out  on  the  back  piazza  with  his  paper,  the 
Evenin’  Grippher — awful  strong  paper  against  wim- 
men’s rights — and  as  I would  be  a bringin’  my  chij^ 


PRETTY  HANDS  AND  EYES. 


CHURNING  DAY. 


69 


in,  (we  had  a old  bushel  basket  that  I used,)  he 
would  look  up  from  his  paper  and  say  to  me, — ^ Oh, 
them  pretty  little  hands,  how  cunning  they  look,  a 
quirling  round  the  basket  handles ; and  oh,  them 
pretty  little  eyes;  what  should  1 do  if  it  wasn’t  for 
my  Dolly?  And  how  should  I feel  if  them  pretty 
little  eyes  was  a lookin’  at  the  pole  ? ’ Says  he,  ‘ It 
would  kill  me  Dolly ; it  would  use  me  right  up.’ 

^^And  then,  when  I would  be  a churnin’ — we  had  a 
good  deal  of  cream,  and  the  butter 'come  awful  hard; 
sometimes  it  would  take  me  most  all  day  and  lame  my 


HELPING  CHUKN. 

back  for  a week — and  when  I would  be  a churnin’,  he 
would  be  so  good  to  me  to  help  me  pass  away  the 
time.  He  would  set  in  his  rockin’  chair — I cuskioned 


70 


PURE  DEVOTEDNESS. 


it  a purpose  for  him^ — and  he  would  set  and  read  the 
Evenin’  Grippher  to  me ; sometimes  he  would  read  it 
clear  through  before  I would  fetch  the  butter ; beauti- 
ful arguments  there  would  be  in  it  ag’inst  wimmen’s 
rights.  I used  to  know  the  Editor  was  jest  another 
such  a man  as  my  Mr.  Doodle  was^  and  I would 
wonder  how  any  livin’  woman  gould  stand  out  ag’inst 
such  arguments,  they  proved  right  out  so  strong  that 
votin’  would  be  too  much  for  the  weaker  sect,  and 
that  men  wouldn’t  feel  nigh  so  tender  and  reverential  ‘ 
towards  ’em,  as  they  did  now.  ' 

We  wasn’t  very  well  off  in  them  days,  for  Mr. 
Doodle  was  obliged  to  mortgage  the  farm  I brought 
him  when  we  was  married,  and  it  was  all  we  could  do 
to  keep  up  the  money  due  on  the  mortgage,  and 
father  wouldn’t  help  us  much ; he  said  we  must  work 
for  a livin’,  jest  as  he  did ; and  the  farm  kinder  run 
down,  for  Mr.  Doodle  said  he  couldn’t  go  out  to 
work  and  leave  me  for  a hull  day,  he  worshiped  me 
so ; so  we  let  out  the  place  on  shares,  and  I took 
in  work  a good  deal.  When  I was  a workin’,  Mr. 
Doodle  would  set  and  look  at  me  for  hours  and  hours, 
with  a sweet  smile  on  his  linement,  and  tell  me  how 
delicate  and  pretty  I was  and  how  much  he  thought 
of  me,  and  how  he  would  die  and  be  skinned — have 
his  hide  took  completely  off  of  him — before  he’d  let 
me  vote,  or  have  any  other  hardship  put  on  me.  Oh ! 
what  a sight  of  comfort  me  and  Mr.  Doodle  did  take 
together ; and  when  I think  how  he  died,  and  was  a 


MATHEMATICS. 


71 


corpse — and  he  was  a corpse  jest  as  quick  as  he  was 
dead,  Mr.  Doodle  was — oh  how  I do  feel.  I can’t 
never  forget  him,  his  linement  is  so  stamped  onto  my 
memory.  I never  can  forget  his  linement,  never.” 

And  so  she’ll  go  on  from  hour  to  hour,  and  from 
day  to  day,  about  Doodle  and  Wimmen’s  Eights — 
Wimmen’s  Eights  and  Doodle ; drivin’  ahead  of  her 
a drove  of  particulars,  far,  far  more  numerous  than 
was  ever  heerd  of  in  Jonesville,  or  the  world ; and  1 
— inwardly  callin’  on  the  name  of  John  Eogers — hear 
her  go  on,  and  don’t  call  Doodle  all  to  nothin’,  or 
argue  with  her  on  Wimmen’s  Eights.  My  mean  is 
calm  and  noble ; I am  nerved  almost  completely  up 
by  principle  ; and  then,  it  is  dretful  wrenchin’  to  the 
arm  to  hit  hard  blows  ag’inst  nothin’. 

Truly,  if  anybody  don’t  know  anything,  you  can’t 
git  any  sense  out  of  ’em.  You  might  jest  as  well  go 
to  reckonin’  up  a hull  row  of  orts,  expectin’  to  have 
’em  amount  to  suntliin’.  Ort  times  ort  is  ort,  and 
nothin’  else;  and  ort  from  ort  leaves  nothin’  every 
time,  and  nothin  to  carry ; and  you  may  add  up  ort 
after  ort,  all  day,  and  you  wont  have  nothin’  but  a 
ort  to  fall  back  on.  And  so  with  the  Widder  Doodle, 
you  may  pump  her  mind  till  the  day  of  pancakes,  (as 
a profane  poet  observes,)  and  you  wont  git  anything 
but  a ort  out  of  it, — speakin’  in  a ’rithmatic  way. 

Not  that  she  is  to  blame  for  it,  come  to  look  at  it 
in  a reasonable  and  scientific  sense.  All  figgers  in 
life  can’t  count  up  the  same  way.  There’s  them  that 


UNKNOWN  PRODUCT. 


72 

count  one, — made  so ; got  a little  common  sense  un- 
beknown to  them.  Then  there’s  some  that  double  on 
that,  and  count  two, — more  sense,  and  can’t  help  it; 
and  all  the  way  up  to  nine ; and  then  there  is  the  orts 
— made  orts  entirely  unbeknown  to  them ; and  so, 
why  should  figgers  seven,  or  eight,  or  even  nine,  boast 
themselves  over  the  orts. 

Truly,  we  all  have  abundant  reason  to  be  humble, 
and  feel  a humiliatin’  feelin’.  The  biggest  figgers 
in  this  life  don’t  count  up  any  too  high,  don’t  know 
any  too  much.  And  all  the  figgers  put  together,  big 
and  little  mingled  in  with  orts,  all  make  up  a curious 
sum  that  our  heads  haint  strong  enough  to  figger 
out  straight.  It  is  a sum  that  is  bein’  worked  out 
by  a strong  mind  above  our’n,  and  we  can’t  see  the 
answer  yet,  none  on  us. 


0000000000 

0000000000 


0000000000 


A DEBATE  ON  INTEMPERANCE. 


Last  Tuesday  evenin’  the  Creation  Searchin’ 
Society”  argued  on  this  question. 

Resolved  ; It  is  right  to  licence  intemperance.” 
Cornelius  Cork,  the  President,  got  up  and  give  the 
question  out,  and  then  a stern  majestic  look  swept 
over  his  face,  some  like  a thunder  cloud,  and  says  he, 
pintin’  out  his  forefinger  nobly  : 

Brother  ^ Creation  Searchers,’  and  friends  and 
neighbors  promiscous.  Before  we  tackle  this  momen- 
tous subject  to-night,  I have  got  a little  act  of  justice 
to  preform,  which  if  I shirked  out  of  doin’  of  it,  would 
send  my  name  down  to  posterity  as  a coward,  a rank 
traitor,  and  almost  a impostor.  The  public  mind  is 
outraged  at  the  present  time,  by  officers  in  high 
places  provin’  traitors  to  their  trust : traitors  to  the 
confidin’  public  that  have  raised  ’em  up  to  their  high 
stations.  The  public  of  Jonesville  will  find  that  / am 
not  one  of  that  kind,  that  / am  not  to  be  trifled  with, 

73 


74  '^BLIMHIN'." 

nor  will  I be  seduced  by  flattery  or  gifts,  to  permit 
them  that  have  raised  me  up  to  the  height  I now  stand 
on,  to  be  trifled  with.” 

Here  he  paused  a moment,  and  laid  his  forefinger 
on  his  heart  and  looked  round  on  us,  as  if  he  was 
invitin’  us  all  to  take  our  lanterns  and  walk  through 
it,  and  behold  its  purity.  That  gesture  took  dretful 
well  with  the  audience.  The  President  realized  it,  he 
see  what  he  had  done,  and  he  kep’  the  same  position 
as  he  proceeded  and  went  on. 

Every  one  who  was  present  at  the  last  meetin’  of 
our  ‘ Creation  Searchin’  Society  ’ knows  there  was  a 
disturbance  there.  They  know  and  I know  that  rig^it 
in  the  midst  of  our  most  searchin’  investigations,  some 
unprincipled  villain  in  the  disguise  of  humanity  out- 
raged us,  and  insulted  us,  and  defied  us  by  blimmin’ ; 
in  other  words  by  yellin’  out  ‘ Blim ! Blim  ! ’ every 
few  minutes.  And  now  I publicly  state  and  pro- 
claim to  tliat  bliramer,  that  if  he  blims  here  to  night, 
I will  put  the  papers  onto  him.  I will  set  the  law  at 
him.  I’ll  see  what  Blackstone  and  Coke  has  to  say 
about  blimmin’.” 

He  hadn’t  no  more’n  got  the  words  out  of  his 
moutli,  when  Blim ! ” came  from  one  side  of  the 
house,  and  “ Blim  ! Blim  ! ” came  from  the  other  side. 
Nobody  couldn’t  tell  who  it  was,  there  was  such  a 
crowd.  Cornelius  Cork’s  face  turned  as  red  as  a 
root-a-bagy  beet,  and  he  yelled  out  in  the  awfulest 
tone  I had  ever  heerd  him  use — and  if  we  had  all 


OUB  4 FATHERS. 


75 


been  polar  bears  right  from  the  pole,  he  couldn’t  have 
took  a more  deadly  aim  at  us  with  that  awful  fore- 
finger : 

Stop  that  blimmin’  instantly  ! ” 

His  tone  was  so  loud  and  awful,  and  his  gesture  so 
fearfully  commandin’  and  threatenin’,  that  the  house 
was  still  as  a mice.  You  could  hear  a clothes-pin  drop 
in  any  part  of  it. 

Here  he  set  down,  and  the  meetin’  begun.  Elder 
Easy  was  on  the  affirmative,  and  Thomas  J.  on  the 
negative,  as  they  call  it. 

Elder  Easy  is  a first-rate  man,  and  a good  provider, 
but  awful  conservative.  He  believes  in  doin’  jest  as 
his  4 fathers  did  every  time  round.  If  anybody 
should  offer  to  let  him  look  at  the  other  side  of  the 
moon,  he  would  say  gently  but  sweetly:  ‘^No,  I 
thank  you,  my  4 fathers  never  see  it,  and  so  I would 
rather  be  excused  from  beholdin’  it  if  you  please.” 
He  is  polite  as  a basket  of  chips,  and  well  meanin’ ; I 
haint  a doubt  of  it  in  my  own  mind.  But  he  and 
Samantha  Allen,  late  Smith,  dififers  ; that  female  loves 
to  look  on  every  side  of  a heavenly  idee.  I respect 
my  4 fathers,  I think  a sight  of  the  old  men.  They 
did  a good  work  in  cuttin’  down  stumps  and  so 
4th.  I honor  ’em ; respect  their  memory.  But 
cities  stand  now  where  they  had  loggin’  bees.  Times 
change,  and  we  change  with  ’em.  They  had  to  rastle 
with  stumps  and  brush-heaps,  it  was  their  duty ; they 
did  it,  and  conquered.  And  it  is  for  us  now,  who 


76 


ADVOCATES  OP  DEINKINO. 


dwell  on  the  smooth  places  they  cleared  for  us,  to 
rastle  with  principle  and  idees.  Have  loggin’  bees  to 
pile  up  old  rusty  brushwood  of  unjust  laws  and 
customs,  and  set  fire  to  ’em  and  burn  ’em  up  root  and 
branch,  and  plant  in  their  ashes  the  seeds  of  truth  and 
right,  that  shall  yet  wave  in  a golden  harvest,  under 
happier  skies  than  ourn.  If  we  don’t,  shall  we  be 
doin’  for  posterity  what  they  did  for  us  ? For  we  too 
are  posterity,  though  mebby  we  don’t  realize  it,  as 
we  ort  to. 

But  Elder  Easy,  although  he  lives  in  the  present 
time,  is  in  spirit  a i father,  (though  I don’t  say  it  in  a 
runnin’  way  at  all,  for  I like  ’em,  have  swapped  hens 
with  him  and  her,  and  neighbored  with  ’em  consider- 
able.) He  was  on  the  likker  side,  not  that  he  wants 
to  get  drunk,  or  thinks  anything  particular  of  likker 
himself,  but  he  believes  in  moderate  drinkin’  because 
his  4 fathers  drank  moderate.  He  believes  in  licen- 
sin’ intemperance  because  his  4 fathers  was  licensed. 
And  Shakespear  Bobbet  was  on  his  side,  and  old  Mr. 
Peedick,  and  the  Editor  of  the  Auger,  (he  is  a demo- 
crat and  went  for  slavery  strong,  felt  like  death  when 
the  slaves  was  set  free,  and  now  he  wants  folks  to 
drink  all  they  can,  goes  for  intemperance  strong.  He 
drinks,  so  they  say,  though  I woifidn’t  have  it  go 
from  Josiah  or  me  for  the  world.)  And  Solomon 
Cypher  was  on  that  side.  He  drinks.  And  Simon 
Slimpsey ; howsumever,  he  haint  of  much  account  any- 
way, he  has  almost  ruined  himself  with  the  horrors. 


MY  OPINION  NOT  CHANGED. 


77 


He  has  ’em  every  day 
stiddy,  and  sometimes 
two  and  three  times  a 
day.  He  told  a neigh- 
borin’ woman  that  he 
hadn’t  been  out  of  ’em 
sense  the  day  he  was 
married  to  Betsey,  she 
was  so  uncommon  mean 
to  him.  I told  her  when 
she  was  a tellin’  me 
about  it  (she  is  a real 
news-bearer,  and  I 
didn’t  want  to  say*  any- 
thing she  could  carry 
back)  I merely  ob- 
served in  a cool  way : 

I have  always  had  my 
opinion  about  dingers, 
and  wimmen  that  didn’t 
want  no  rights,  I have 
kep’  my  eye  on  ’em,  I 
have  kep’  my  eye  on 
their  husbands,  and  my 
mind  haint  moved  a 
inch  concernin’ them 
from  the  place  it  stood 

in  more  formally.”  I the  affirmative. 

didn’t  say  no  .more,  not  wantir^to  run  Betsey  to  her 


78 


THE  NEGATIVE  SIDE. 


back,  and  then  truly,  as  a deep  thinker  observes  in 
one  of  his  orations,  a dog  that  will  fetch  a bone, 
will  carry  one.” 

On  Thomas  J efferson’s  side  was  himself,  the  Editor 
of  the  Gimlet,  Lawyer  ISTugent,  Doctor  Bombus, 
Elder  Morton,  and  Whitfield  Minkley — six  on  each 
side.  Thomas  Jefierson  spoke  first,  and  he  spoke 
well,  that  I know.  I turned  right  round  and  give 
sister  Minkley  a proud  happy  look  several  times 
while  Thomas  J.  was  a talkin’;  she  sot  right  behind 
me.  I felt  well.  And  I hunched  Josiah  several 
times  when  he  said  his  best  things,  and  he  me,  for 
we  both  felt  noble  in  mind  to  hear  him  go  on. 

His  first  speech  was  what  they  call  an  easy,  or 
sunthin’  considerable  like  that;  Josiah  said  when  we 
was  a goin’  home  that  they  called  it  an  essence,  but  I 
told  him  I knew  better  than  that.  He  contended, 
and  I told  him  I would  leave  it  to  Thomas  J.  but  it 
slipped  my  mind.  Howsumever  it  haint  no  matter  ; 
it  is  the  thing  itself  that  Josiah  Allen’s  wife  looks 
at,  and  not  the  name  of  it.  The  easy — or  sunthin’  like 
it, — run  as  follows:  I believe  my  soul  I can  git  the 
exact  words  down,  for  I listened  to  it  with  every  ear 
I had,  and  upheld  by  the  thoughts  of  the  future  gen- 
erations, and  the  cause  of  Right,  I kinder  took  it  out 
of  his  overcoat  pocket  the  next  day,  and  read  it  over 
seven  times  from  beginnin’  to  end.  I should  have 
read  it  eight  times,  if  I had  had  time. 

He  seemed  to  be  a pryin’  into  what  the  chief 


DEGRADATION  OF  A DRUNKARD. 


79 


glory  and  pleasure  of  gettin’  drunk  consisted  in ; he 
said  the  shame,  the  despair,  and  the  ruin  of  intem- 
perance anyone  could  see.  And  he  pictured  out  the 
agony  of  a drunkard’s  home,  till  there  wasn’t  a dry 
eye  in  my  head,  nor  Josiah’s  nuther.  And  he  said  in 
windin’  up,  (I  shan’t  put  down  the  hull  on’t,  for  it 
would  be  too  long)  but  the  closin’  up  of  it  was : 

I don’t  believe  there  is  a sadder  sight  for  men  or 
angels,  than  to  see  a man  made  in  the  image  of  God 
willfully  casting  aside  his  heritage  of  noble  and  true 
manhood ; slipping  the  handcufis  over  his  own  wrists ; 
and  offering  himself  a willing  captive  to  the  mighty 
but  invisible  wine  spirit. 

‘‘'No  slave  bound  to  the  chariot  wheels  of  a con- 
queror is  so  deplorable  a sight  as  the  captive  of 
wine.  His  face  does  not  shine  like  the  face  of  an 
angel,  as  did  a captive  in  the  old  time — but  with  so 
vacant  and  foolish  an  expression,  that  you  can  see  at 
once  that  he  is  hopelessly  bound,  body,  mind  and  soul 
to  his  conqueror’s  chariot.  And  a wonderful  con- 
queror is  he,  so  weak  in  seeming  as  to  hide  beneath 
the  ruby  glitter  of  a wine  cup,  and  yet  so  mighty  as 
to  fill  our  prisons  with  criminals,  our  asylums  with 
lunatics — and  our  grave-yards  with  graves.  Mightier 
than  Time  or  Death,  for  outstripping  time,  he  ploughs 
premature  furrows  on  the  brow  of  manhood  and 
alienates  affection  Death  has  no  power  over. 

I have  often  marvelled  where  the  chief  glory  of 
dissipation  came  in.  Its  evil  effects  were  always  too 
4 


80 


THE  PLEASURE  OF  DRUNKENNBSa 


hideously  palpable  to  be  misunderstood ; but  in  what 
consists  the  gloating  pleasure  for  which  a man  is 
willing  to  break  the  hearts  of  those  who  love  him, 
bring  himself  to  beggary,  endow  his  children  with  an 
undeserved  heritage  of  shame,  destroy  his  intellect, 
ruin  his  body,  and  imperil  his  soul,  is  a mystery. 

I have  wondered  whether  its  chief  bliss  consisted 
in  the  taste  of  the  cup  ; if  so,  it  must  be  indeed  a de- 
licious enjoyment,  transitory  as  it  is,  for  which  a man 
would  be  willing  to  loose  earth  and  heaven.  Or  if  it 
were  in  that  intermediate  stage,  before  the  diviner 
nature  is  entirely  merged  in  the  animal — the  foolish 
stage,  when  a man  is  so  affectionately  desirous  of  doing 
his  full  duty  by  his  hearers,  that  he  repeats  his  common- 
est remarks  incessantly,  with  a thick  tongue  and  thicker 
meaning,  and  if  sentimentally  inclined,  smiles,  oh  how 
feebly,  and  sheds  such  very  foolish  tears.  In  look- 
in’ upon  such  a scene,  another  wonder  awakens  in 
me,  whether  Satan,  who  with  all  his  faults  is  un- 
commonly intelligent,  is  not  ashamed  of  his  maudlin 
friend.  Or  is  the  consummation  of  glory  in  the  next 
stage,  where  with  oaths  and  curses  a man  dashes  his 
clenched  fists  into  the  faces  of  his  best  friends,  pursues 
imaginary  serpents  and  fiends,  thrusts  his  wife  and 
children  out  into  the  cold  night  of  mid-winter,  and 
bars  against  them  the  doors  of  home.  And  home ! 
what  a desecration  of  that  word  which  should  be  the 
synonym  of  rest,  peace  and  consolation,  is  a drunk- 
ard’s home.  Or  is  the  full  measure  of  pleasure  attained 


THE  DRUNKARD'S  WIFE. 


81 


when  he,  the  noblest  work  of  God,  is  stretched  out  at 
his  full  six  feet  length  of  unconsciousness,  stupidity 
and  degradation. 

If  there  be  a lonely  woman  amid  the  multitude  of 
lonely  and  sorrowful  women,  more  to  be  pitied  than 
another,  I think  it  is  a wife  lookin’  upon  the  one  she 
has  promised  to  honor,  lying  upon  the  bed  with  his 
hat  and  boots  on.  Her  comforter,  who  swore  at  her 
as  long  as  he  could  speak  at  all.  Her  protector, 
utterly  unable  to  brush  a fly  from  his  own  face.  Her 
companion,  lying  in  all  the  stupor  of  death,  with 
none  of  its  solemn  dignity.  As  he  is  entirely  uncon- 
scious of  her  acts,  I wonder  if  she  never  employs  the 
slowly  passing  moments  in  taking  down  her  old  idol, 
her  ideal,  from  its  place  in  her  memory,  and  com- 
paring it  with  its  broken  and  defaced  image  before 
her.  Of  all  the  poor  broken  idols,  shattered  into 
fragments  for  the  divine  patience  of  womanhood  to 
gather  together  and  cement  with  tears,  such  a ruin  as 
this  seems  the  most  impossible  to  mould  anew  into 
any  form  of  comliness.  And  if  there  is  a command- 
ment seemingly  impossible  to  obey,  it  is  for  a woman 
to  love  a man  she  is  in  deadly  fear  of,  honor  a man 
she  can’t  help  bein’  ashamed  of,  and  obey  a man  who 
cannot  speak  his  commands  intelligibly.” 

It  was  a proud  moment  for  Josiah  Allen  and  me, 
to  hear  Thomas  J.  go  on ; and  to  have  the  hull  house 
so  still,  while  he  was  makin’  his  eloquent  speech, 
that  you  could  hear  a clothes-pin  drop  in  any  part 


82 


RIGHTS  OP  PEOPLE. 


of  the  room.  And  though  my  companion,  perfectly 
carried  away  by  his  glad  emotions,  hunched  me  several 
time  harder  than  he  had  any  idee  of,  and  almost  gored 
my  ribs  with  his  elbo,  I didn’t,  as  you  may  say, 
seem  to  sense  it  at  all.  And  though  in  hunchin’  and 
bein’  hunched,  I dropped  more’n  20  stitches  in  Josiah’s 
socks,  I didn’t  care  for  that  a mite ; I had  plenty  of 
time  to  pick  ’em  up  durin’  the  next  speech,  which 
was  the  Editor  of  the  Auger’es,  (he  has  got  over  the 
zebra,  so’s  to  be  out.) 

I have  said,  and  I say  still,  that  I never  see  a man 
that  would  spread  a idee  out  thinner  than  he  will, — 
cover  more  ground  with  it.  Talk  about  Ingy  Eubber 
stretchin’, — why  that  man  will  take  one  small  thought 
and  pull  it  out  and  string  on  enough  big  words  to 
sink  it,  seemin’ly. 

Ilowsumever,  his  talk  did  jest  about  as  much  good 
on  Thomas  J’s  side,  as  on  hisen,  for  he  didn’t  seem  to 
pay  any  attention  .to  the  subject,  but  give  his  hull 
mind  to  stringin’  big  words  onto  his  idees,  and  then 
stretchin’  ’em  out  as  fur  as  human  strength  can  go. 
That,  truly,  was  his  strong  pint.  But  jest  as  he  bent 
his  knees  and  begun  to  set  down,  he  kinder  straight- 
ened up  again  and  said  the  only  thing  that  amounted 
to  a thing.  He  said, — “Keepin’  folks  from  soilin’ 
likker,  is  takin’  away  their  rights.” 

“Eights!”  says  Thomas  Jefferson,  jumpin’ upon 
his  feet  the  minute  he  set  down.  “Eights!  The 
first  right  and  law  of  our  nature,  is  self-preservation. 


JSUT  THE  iuaiir  ixi.NU  uK 


ARGUMENTS  AND  ANSWERS. 


86 


and  what  safety  has  any  man  while  the  streets  are 
filled  with  men  turned  into  crazed  brutes  by  this 
traffic  you  are  upholdin’  ? Eyery  one  knows  that  a 
drunken  man  entirely  loses  for  the  time  his  reason- 
ing faculties,  his  morality  and  his  conscience,  and  is 
made  ripe  for  any  crime.  That  he  is  jest  as  ready  to 
rob  and  murder  innocent  citizens  as  to  smoke  his 
pipe.  So  if  you  and  I lend  our  influence  and  our 
votes  to  make  intemperance  legal,  we  make  arson, 
burglary,  rape,  robbery,  murder,  legal.  Tell  me  a 
man  has  a right  to  thus  plant  the  seeds  of  crime 
and  murder  in  a man’s  soul,  and  imperil  the  safety  of 
the  whole  community.  Why,  the  Bible  says,  that  if 
a man  let  loose  a wild  ox,  and  it  gored  men  with  its 
horns  and  killed  them,  the  men  that  let  it  go  loose 
should  surely  be  put  to  death.” 

Here  Simon  Slimpsey  got  up,  kinder  hangin’  on  to 
the  bench,  and  made  a dretful  simple  sort  of  a wink 
with  one  eye,  and  says  he: 

Them  haint  the  kind  o’  horns  we  are  a talkin’ 
about,  we  are  talkin’  about  takin’  a horn  of  whisky 
now  and  then.” 

Yes,”  said  Thomas  J.  ^Uhere  was  never  a more 
appropriate  name ; for  if  there  ever  were  horns  that 
gored,  and  stabbed,  and  killed,  it  is  these.” 

Elder  Easy  spoke  out,  and  says  he, — The  Bible 
says : ^ take  a little  wine  for  the  stomach  sake.’  ” 

But  Elder  Morton  jumped  up,  and  says  he, — 
There  was  two  kinds  of  likker  in  earlier  times ; one 


86 


SAMANTHA  SPEAKS  RIGHT  OUT. 


that  was  unfermented  and  harmless,  and  contained  no 
alcohol  or  any  principle  of  intoxication,  and  another 
that  contained  this  raging  mocker.” 

Then  old  Peedick  spoke  up.  Says  he, — Likker 
would  be  all  right  if  it  wasn’t  for  the  adultery  in  it : 
poison  stuff,  wormwood,  and  etcetery.” 

But  Dr.  Bombus  jumped  up,  and  says  he, — Noth- 
ing that  can  be  put  into  it,  can  be  worse  poison  than 
the  pure  alcohol  itself,  for  that  is  a rank  poison  for 
which  no  antidote  has  ever  been  found  ; useful  for 
medical  purposes,  like  some  other  poisons:  arsenic, 
opium,  laudanum,  and  so  4th.” 

But  old  Peedick  kep’  a mutterin’, — I know  there’s 
adultery  in  it and  kep’  a goin’  on  till  Cornelius  Cork, 
the  President,  sot  him  down,  and  choked  him  off. 

Solomon  Cypher  spoke  up,  and  says  he  : 

No  ! licence  bills  don’t  do  no  good  ; there  is  more 
likker  drunk  when  there  haint  no  licence,  than  when 
there  is.  If  you  hinder  one  man  from  soilin’  it,  an- 
other will.” 

I declare,  that  excited  me  so,  that  entirely  unbe- 
known to  myself,  I spoke  right  out  loud  to  Josiah : 

Good  land ! of  all  the  poor  excuses  I ever  heerd, 
that  is  the  poorest.  If  I don’t  kill  my  grandmother, 
somebody  else  will ; or  she’ll  die  herself,  of  old  age, 
or  sunthin’ ; good  land  ! ” 

The  sound  of  my  voice  kinder  brought  my  mind 
back,  and  Josiah  hunched  me  hard,  and  I went  to 
knittin’  dretful  fast.  Whitfield  looked  round  to  me 


SOLOMON  CYPHER'S  ARGUMENT. 


87 


and  kinder  smiled,  and  says  he,  right  out  in  meetin’ : 

That’s  so,  Mother  Allen ! ” 

I declare  for’t,  I didn’t  know  whether  I was  seam- 
in’ two  and  one,  or  towin’  ofi,  or  in  the  narrowins. 
I was  agitated. 

But  Whitfield  went  right  on,  for  it  was  his  turn. 
His  speech  was  about  licencing  wrong : admitting  a 
thing  was  wrong,  evil  in  itself  and  evil  in  its  effects, 
and  then  allowin’  folks  to  carry  on  the  iniquity,  if 
they’d  pay  enough  for  it.  It  was  about  givin’  folks 
the  privilege  of  bein’  mean,  for  money ; about  a na- 
tion soilin’  the  right  to  do  wrong,  and  so  4th. 

Whitfield  done  well ; I know  it,  and  Tirzah  Ann 
knows  it.  Jest  as  quick  as  he  sot  down,  Solomon 
Cypher  got  up  and  says  he — with  an  air  as  if  the  ar- 
gument he  was  about  to  bring  forred,  would  bring 
down  the  school-house,  convince  everybody,  and  set 
the  question  to  rest  forever : 

The  way  I look  at  it,  is  this : ” said  he,  (smitin’  his 
breast  as  hard  as  I ever  see  a breast  smote,)  if  there 
haint  no  licence,  if  a man  treats  me,  and  I want  to 
treat  him  back  again,  where — ” (and  again  he  smote 
his  breast  almost  fearfully,)  where  will  I git  my 
likker  to  do  it  with.” 

That’s  so  ; ” said  Simon  Slimpsey,  there  he  has 
got  you ; you  can’t  git  round  that.” 

Then  Thomas  J.  spoke  and  brought  up  facts  and 
figgers  that  nobody  couldn’t  git  over,  or  crawl  round ; 
proved  it  right  out,  that  intemperance  caused  more 


88  UNANSWERABLE  STATEMENTS. 

s 

deaths  than  war,  pestilence,  and  famine ; that  more 
than  half  the  crimes  committed  in  the  United  States 
could  be  traced  back  to  drink ; and  eighty  out  of 
every  hundred  was  helped  on  by  it.  And  then  he 
went  on  to  tell  how  they  transmitted  the  curse  to  their 
childern,  and  how,  through  its  effects,  infant  babes 

4 

was  born  drunkards,  idiots,  and  criminals,  entirely 
unbeknown  to  them ; that  the  influence  of  our  free 
schools  is  destroyed  by  the  influence  of  the  other  free 
schools  the  nation  allows  for  the  childern  of  the 
people — the  dram  shops,  and  other  legalized  places  of 
ruin — that  while  the  cries  of  the  starving  and  naked 
were  filling  our  ears  from  all  sides,  seven  hundred 
millions  of  dollars  were  annually  spent  for  intoxicatin’ 
drink.  Instead  of  spendin’  these  millions  for  food 
and  clothin’  for  the  perishin’,  we  spent  them  for  igno- 
rance, beastliness,  taxation,  crime,  despair,  madness 
and  death.”  Says  he : 

^^The  cost  of  likker-drinkin’,  from  1861  to  1870, 
was  six  thousand  millions  of  dollars.  Add  to  that,  the 
labor  in  raisin’  the  grain  to  make  it ; all  the  labor  of 
distillin’  it ; all  the  loss  of  labor  the  drinkin’  of  it  en- 
tailed ; the  sickness,  deaths  and  crimes  that  resulted 
from  its  use ; the  ships  that  went  down  in  mid-ocean, 
through  the  drunkenness  of  their  crews  — engulfin’ 
thousands  of  lives ; the  ghastly  railroad  accidents  that 
fill  our  newspapers  with  long  death-lists ; the  suicides 
and  thousands  of  fatal  accidents,  all  over  the  land, 
caused  by  it ; the  robberies  and  murders,  and  the  cost 


HOW  WE  CONVERT  THE  HEATHEN. 


89 


of  tryin’  the  criminals,  buildin’  the  prisons,  peniten- 
tiaries and  jails,  and  supportin’  them  therein ; the 
alms-houses  for  the  paupers  made  by  it ; the  asylums 
for  the  insane,  and  the  hirin’  of  officers  and  attend- 
ants to  take  care  of  them.  Imagine  the  sum-total  if 
you  can,  and  add  to  it,  the  six  thousand  millions  of 
dollars, — and  all  spent  for  that  which  is  not  only  use- 
less, but  ruinous.  And  honest,  sober  citizens  consent 
to  have  their  property  taxed  to  support  this  system. 

“ What  if  this  enormous  amount  of  money  was  spent 
by  our  government,  for  the  compulsory  education  of 
the  childern  of  the  poor ; takin’  them  from  their 
wretched* haunts  and  dens — schools  of  infamy,  where 
they  are  bein’  educated  in  criminalitj^ — and  teach- 
in’  them  to  be  honest  and  self-supportin’.  What  a 
marvelous  decrease  of  crime  there  would  be ; what 
a marvelous  increase  of  the  national  wealth  and 
respectability.” 

He  said  lie  had  been  lookin’  upon  the  subject  in  a 
financial  point  of  view,  for  its  moral  effects  could  not 
be  reduced  to  statistics.  Says  he : 

^^Now,  with  our  boasted  civilization,  we  support 
four  drinkin’  saloons  to  one  church.  Which  exerts 
the  widest  influence  ? In  one  of  the  finest  cities  of 
New  England,  there  are  to-day,  ten  drinkin’  saloons 
to  one  church,  and  a buildin’  owned  by  the  Governor 
of  the  state  has  two  drinkin’  saloons  in  it,  the  rum- 
sellers  hiring  directly  of  him.  The  Indians,  Budd- 
hists, and  Brahmins,  the  savage  and  heathen  races, 


90 


SELLING  MISERY  AND  DEATH. 


whom  we  look  down  upon  with  our  wise  and  lofty 
pity,  are  our  superiors  in  this  matter,  for  they  know 
nothin’  of  drunkenness  still  we  teach  them.  How  will 
it  be  looked  upon  by  the  Righteous  Judge  above,  that 
with  all  our  efforts  to  evangelize  the  heathen ; our 
money  offerin’s  of  millions  of  dollars ; our  life  offer- 
in’s  of  teachers  and  missionaries;  our  loud  talkin’, 
and  our  long  prayers ; after  all  the  efforts  of  the 
Christian  world,  the  facts  face  us:  that  for  one 
heathen  who  is  converted  to  Christ  by  the  preachin’ 
of  the  tongue  of  our  civilized  race,  one  thousand 
sober  heathen  are  made  drunkards  by  the  louder 
preachin’  of  our  example;  are  made  by  us — if  we 
believe  the  Bible — unfit  for  ever  enterin’  the  heaven 
we  make  such  powerful  efforts  to  tell  them  of.” 

And  ” says  he,  the  sufferin’  intemperance  has 
caused  cannot  possibly  be  reckoned  up  by  figgers, — 
the  shame,  disgrace,  and  desolation,  wretchedness  to 
the  guiltless,  as  well  as  the  guilty.  The  blackness  of 
despair  that  is  dark  enough  to  veil  the  very  heavens 
from  innocent  eyes,  and  make  them  doubt  the  ex- 
istence of  a God — who  can  permit  a nation  to  make 
such  a traffic  respectable  and  protect  it  with  the  shadow 
of  the  law.” 

Says  he,  When  you  have  licenced  a man  to  sell 
likker,  and  protected  him  by  the  law  you  have  helped 
to  make,  he  sells  a pint  of  likker  to  a drunkard; 
do  you  know  what  you  and  he  are  Bellin’?  You 
know  you  are  sellin’  poverty,  and  bodily  ruin,  and 


MINISTERS’  DUTY. 


91 


wretchedness;  this  you  know.  But  you  may  be  sellin’ 
a murder,  a coffin  and  a windin’-sheet ; sellin’  broken 
hearts,  and  a desolate  hearth-stone;  sufferin’  to  the 
innocent,  that  will  outlast  a life-time ; ruin,  disgrace 
despair,  and  the  everlastin’  doom  of  a deathless  soul. 
Tell  me  any  one  has  a right  to  do  this  ? Men  in  their 
greed  and  self  interest  may  make  their  wretched  laws 
to  sanction  this  crime,  but  God’s  laws  are  mightier 
and  will  yet  prevail.” 

Every  word  Thomas  J.  said  went  right  to  my 
heart.  You  see,  a heart  where  a child’s  head  has  laid 
— asleep  or  awake — till  it  has  printed  itself  completely 
onto  it,  that  heart  seems  to  be  a boldin’  it  still  when 
the  head’s  got  too  large  to  lay  there  bodily  (as  it  were.) 
Their  wrong  acts  pierce  it  right  through,  and  their 
noble  doin’s  cause  it  to  swell  up  with  proud  happiness. 

Dr.  Bombus  bein’  dretful  excited  riz  right  up,  and 
says  he,  “ How  any  good  man  can  sanction  this  in- 
famous traffic,  how  any  minister  of  the  Gospel ” 

But  here  the  President  made  the  Dr.  set  down,  for  it 
was  Elder  Easy^s  turn. 

And  the  Elder  got  up.  I see  he  was  kinder  touched 
up  by  what  the  Dr.  had  said,  and  he  made  a long 
speech  about  what  he  thought  it  was  a minister’s  place 
to  do.  He  thought  it  wasn’t  their  place  to  meddle  in 
political  matters.  I kinder  got  it  into  my  head  from 
what  he  said,  though  he  didn’t  say  it  right  out,  that 
he  thought  there  was  bad  men  enough  to  make  our 
laws  without  good  men  meddlin’  with  ’em.  And  in 


92 


THE  BUMMERS  AGAIN, 


windin’  up  he  said  he  thought  ministers  took  too 
active  a part  in  the  Temperance  move ; he  heerd  of 
ministers  preachin’  sermons  about  it  on  Sunday,  and 
though  he  had  no  doubt  they  meant  well,  still,  he 
must  say  he  thought  there  was  other  subjects  that 
was  better  fitted  for  good  men  to  hold  forth  and  im- 
prove upon.  He  thought  the  cross  of  Christ,  warnin’ 
sinners  to  keep  out  of  a future  hell,  was  better  sub- 
jects for  ’em,  and  then  he  said  the  Bible  was  full  of 
beautiful  themes  for  Sunday  discourses,  such  as  the 
possibility  of  recognizin’  our  friends  in  a future 
world,  and  so  4th. 

Thomas  J.  got  up  and  answered  him. 

Says  he,  “ The  subject  of  recognizin’  our  friends 
in  a future  world  is  a beautiful  one,  and  worthy  of 
much  thought.  But  I think  it  is  commendable  to  try 
to  keep  our  friends  in  a condition  to  recognize  us  in 
this  world,  try  to  keep  a man  while  he  is  alive,  so  he 
will  know  his  own  wife  and  children,  and  not  turn 
them  out  into  the  storm  of  a winter  midnight,  and 
murder  them  in  his  mad  frenzy.” 

Jest  at  this  minute — when  Thomas  J.  was  goin’  on 
his  noblest — some  unprincipled  creeter  and  no  noth- 
ings— whoever  it  was — yelled  out  “ Blim ! ” again,  and 
Cornelius  Cork,  the  President,  bein’  on  a keen  watch 
for  iniquities,  jumped  out  of  his  seat  as  if  he  had 
been  shot  out  of  it  with  a shot-gun.  And  he  lifted 
up  his  head  nobly  and  walked  down  the  aisle  of  the 
school-house,  in  jest  that  proud  triumphant  way  that 


PUNISHMENT  METED  OUT. 


93 


Napoleon  walked  along  on  top  of  tlie  Alp,  and  with 
that  same  victorious  mean  of  a conqueror  onto  him, 


THE  BLIMMER  CAUGHT. 


with  his  forefinger  pinted  out  firmly  and  calmly,  and 
almost  nobly,  he  exclaimed  in  loud,  glad  tones,  and 
the  majesticest  I ever  heerd  in  my  life  : 

IVe  catched  him  at  it ! IVe  catched  the  blim- 
mer ! I heerd  him  blim ! I seen  him ! I seen  him 
when  he  was  a blimmin’ ! Ike  Gansey,  I fine  you  ten 
cents  and  cost  for  hlimminP 

Here  he  collared  him,  dragged  him  out  by  the 
seat  of  his  breeches,  and  shet  the  door  in  his  face, 


94 


"SUNTHm'  DRETFUL  HAS  HAPPENED!” 


and  came  back  pantin’  for  breath,  but  proud  and 
rictorious  in  his  mean.  Then  the  Editor  of  the 
Auger  got  up  to  make  the  closing  speech,  when  all  of 
a sudden  the  door  opened,  and  in  walked  Miss  Gow- 
dey.  I thought  in  a minute  she  looked  dretful  kinder 
flustrated  and  awe-struck.  She  sot  right  down  by  me 
— Josiah  had  gone  across  the  school-house  to  speak  to 
Whitfield  on  business — and  says  I : 

“ What  is  the  matter,  sister  Gowdey ! ” (sister  in 
the  church ;)  says  I : “ you  look  as  white  as  a white 
woolen  sheet.” 

Then  she  says  to  me  and  sister  Minkley ; says  she : 

“ Sunthin’  dretful  has  happened ! ” 

“What  is  it?”  says  I. 

“ Do  tell  us  sister  Gowdey ! ” says  sister  Minkley. 

Says  she,  “ You  know  how  cold  it  is ! ” 

Says  I,  “ I guess  I do ; Josiah  froze  one  of  his  ears 
a cornin’  here  to-night,  as  stiflF  as  a chip  ofien  the 
north  pole.” 

“ And  our  buttery  shelves  froze  for  the  first  time 
in  years,”  says  sister  Minkley. 

“Well,”  says  she  “Willie  Harris,  Widder Harris’es 
Willie,  was  found  froze  to  death  in  that  big  snow 
drift  jest  the  other  side  of  the  canal.  You  know 
sense  they  licenced  that  new  drinkin’  saloon,  Willie 
has  got  into  bad  company,  and  he  left  there  late  last 
night,  after  he  and  a hull  party  of  young  fellers  had 
been  a drinkin’  and  carousin’ ; he  couldn’t  hardly 
stand  up  when  he  left,  and  they  s’pose  he  lost  his 


FOUND  DEAD, 


YOUNG  WILLIE. 


9T 


way*and  fell  in  the  snow ; and  there  he  was,  jest  the 
other  side  of  his  mother’s,  half  covered  up  in  the 
snow ; some  boys  that  were  skatin’  on  the  canal 
found  him  jest  at  dark.  I never  see  such  a house  in 
my  life ; the  Dr.  thinks  it  will  kill  his  mother,  you 
know  she  has  worked  so  hard  to  educate  him,  almost 
killed  herself,  and  was  happy  a doin’  it;  she  loved 
him  so,  and  was  so  proud  of  him ; and  she  has 
such  a loving,  dependent  nature ; such  a affection- 
ate tender-hearted  little  woman;  and  Willie  was  all 
she  had.  She  lays  there,  lookin’  like  a dead  woman. 
I have  been  there  all  the  evenin’.” 

All  the  while  Miss  Gowdey  was  a speakin’,  my  heart 
kep’  a sinkin’  lower  and  lower,  further  and  further 
down  every  minute,  till  I declare  for’t,  I didn’t  know 
where  it  would  go  to,  and  I didn’t  much  care.  Willie 
Harris  ! that  handsome,  happy  boy  that  had  sot  on  my 
knee  a hundred  times  with  my  Thomas  Jefferson ; 
played  with  him,  slept  with  him.  That  bright  pretty 
boy,  with  his  frank  generous  face,  his  laughing  blue 
eyes,  and  his  curly  brown  hair — his  mother’s  pride 
and  darling.  Oh  ! what  feelin’s  I felt.  And  then  all 
of  a sudden,  my  heart  took  a new  start,  and  sunk  down 
more’n  two  inches  I’ll  bet,  at  one  sinkin’,  as  a thought 
gripped  holt  of  me.  What  if  it  had  been  my  Thomas 
Jefferson ! And  as  that  thought  tackled  me,  without 
mistrustin’  what  I was  a doin’  I turned  round  in  my  seat 
and  spoke  right  out  loud  to  sister  Minkley.  Says  I : 

Sister  Minkley  what  if  it  was  my  Thomas  Jefferson 


98 


POWER  OF  INFLUENCE. 


that  was  murdered  accordin’  to  law  ? What  if  it  Vas 
my  boy  that  was  layin’  out  there  under  the  snow  ? ” 

Sister  Minkley  had  her  white  linen  handkerchief  up 
to  her  eyes,  and  she  didn’t  say  a word  ; but  she  give 
several  sithes,  awful  deep  ; she  has  got  a mother’s  heart 
under  her  breast  bone ; she  has  had  between  twelve 
and  thirteen  childern  of  her  own,  and  they  was  on 
her  mind.  She  couldn’t  speak  a word,  but  she  sithed 
powerful,  and  frequent.  But  though  I was  as  agitated 
as  agitated  could  be,  and  though  there  wasn’t  a dry 
eye  in  my  head,  I began  to  feel  dretful  eloquent  in 
mind  ; my  soul  soared  up  awfully,  and  I kep’  on  : 

Says  I,  Sister  Minkley,  how  can  we  mother’s 
live  if  we  don’t  put  our  shoulder  blades  to  the 
wheel  % ” says  I,  we  must  put  ’em  there  whether 
or  no ; we  are  movin’  the  wheel  one  way,  or  the  other 
anyway.  In  this,  as  in  every  other  reform,  public 
sentiment  has  got  to  work  with  the  law,  stand  behind 
the  law  and  push  it  ahead  of  it,  or  else  it  wont  never 
roll  onward  to  victory.”  Says  I,  It  is  a wheel  that 
is  loose  jinted,  the  spokes  are  sot  loose  on  the  hub ; it 
is  slippery,  and  easy  to  run  backwards ; it  is  always 
easier  to  push  anything  down  hill  than  up,  and  there  is 
far  more  pushers  in  that  direction.  And  one  of  the 
solemnest  things  I ever  see,  sister  Minkley,  is  this 
thought — that  you  and  I,  and  everybody  else  is  a push- 
in’  it  one  way  or  the  other  every  day  of  our  lives ; 
we  can’t  shirk  out  of  it,  we  are  either  for  it  or 
ag’inst  it.  A‘  man  or  a woman  can’t  git  away  froiq 


LICTNSINa  A SERPENT. 


99 


castin’  their  influence  one  way  or  the  other  no  more 
than  they  can  git  away  from  their  shadder  on  a desert, 
with  the  sun  bilein’  down  on  ’em,  and  no  shade  trees 
in  sight.  There  haint  no  trees  tall  enough  to  hide  us 
from  the  blazin’  sun  of  God’s  truth ; this  cause  is  be- 
fore us,  and  we  must  work  with  God  or  ag’inst  him.” 

Amen  ! ” says  sister  Minkley  out  from  under  her 
white  linen  handkerchief,  and  she  sithed  hard. 

How  can  we  help  workin’,  sister  Minkley  ? How 
can  we  fold  our  hands  up,  and  rest  on  our  feather 
beds  ? If  a deadly  serpent  had  broke  loose  from  some 
circus,  and  was  a wreathin’  and  twistin’  his  way  through 
Jones ville,  swallerin’  down  a man  or  a woman  every 
few  days,  would  men  stand  with  their  hands  in  their 
pockets,  or  a loanin’  up  ag’inst  barn-doors  a whittlin’ ; 
arguin’  feebly  from  year  to  year,  whether  it  was  best 
to  try  to  catch  the  serpent  and  cut  its  head  off,  or 
whether  it  was  best  after  all  to  let  him  go  free? 
After  they  had  seen  some  of  their  best  friends 
swallered  down  by  it,  wouldn’t  they  make  an  effort  to 
capture  it?  Wouldn’t  they  chase  it  into  any  hole 
they  could  get  it  into?  Wouldn’t  they  turn  the  first 
key  on  it  they  could  git  holt  of?  And  if  it  broke 
loose  from  that,  wouldn’t  they  try  another  key,  and 
another,  till  they  got  one  that  would  holt  him  ? 

Do  you  s’pose  they  would  rent  out  that  serpent  at 
so  much  a year  to  crunch  and  swaller  folks  accordin’ 
to  law?  And  would  it  be  any  easier  for  the  folks  that 
was  crunched  and  swallered,  and  for  the  survivin’ 


100 


MINE  AND  THINE, 


friends  of  the  same,  if  they  was  killed  by  act  of 
Congress  ? What  would  such  a law  be  thought  of 
sister  Minkley  ? and  that  is  nothin’  to  the  wicked- 
ness of  the  laws  as  they  be.  For  what  is  one  middlin’ 
sized  serpent  in  a circus,  that  couldn’t  eat  more’n  one 
man  a week  with  any  relish,  to  this  of  intemperance 
that  swallers  down  a hundred  thousand  every  year, 
and  is  as  big  as  that  Great  Midgard  serpent  I have 
heerd  Thomas  J.  read  about,  whose  folds  encompass 
the  earth.” 

Sister  Minkley  sithed  so  loud  that  it  sounded  some 
like  a groan,  and  I kep’  on  in  a dretful  eloquent  way : 

We  have  got  to  take  these  things  to  home  sister 
Minkley,  in  order  to  realize  ’em.  Yours  and  mine, 
are  as  far  apart  as  the  poles  when  we  are  talkin’  about 
such  things.  As  a general  rule  we  can  bear  other 
folks’es  trials  and  sufferin’s  with  resignation.  When 
it  is  your  brother,  and  husband,  that  is  goin’  the 
downward  road,  we  can  endure  it  with  consid- 
erable calmness ; but  when  it  is  a part  of  my  own 
heart,  my  Willie,  or  my  Charley  that  is  goin’  down 
to  ruin,  we  feel  as  if  men  and  angels  must  help  rescue 
him.  When  it  is  mine,  when  it  is  mother’s  boy  that 
is  lyin’  murdered  by  this  trade  of  death — when  the 
cold  snow  has  drifted  down  over  the  shinin’  curls  that 
are  every  one  wove  into  her  heart  strings,  and  the 
colder  drifts  of  disgrace  and  shame  are  heaped  over 
his  memory — how  does  the  poison  look  to  her  that 
has  killed  her  darling?  How  does  the  law  that 


THE  FEMALE  TEMPERANCE  ARMY. 


101 


sanctions  the  murder  seem  to  her?  Then  it  is  that 
yours  and  mine  draw  near  to  each  other.  It  is  the 
divine  fellowship  of  suffering  our  Lord  speaks  of,  that 
brings  other  hearts  near  to  ours,  makes  us  willin’  to 
toil  for  others,  live  for  them,  die  for  them  if  need  be. 
It  was  this,  that  sent  forth  that  wonderful  Woman’s 
Crusade,  made  tender  timid  women  into  heroes  willin’ 
to  oppose  their  weakness  to  banded  strength.  It  was 
this  that  made  victory  possible  to  them. 

^ When  a king  was  chosen  in  the  old  time  to  lead 
the  people  of  the  Lord  to  victory,  he  was  consecrated 
by  the  touch  of  a royal  hand.  And  it  was  these 
women,  weak  and  tender,  touched  with  the  divine 
royalty  of  sorrow,  that  God  chose  to  confound  the 
mighty. 

And  other  great  souled  women,  who  loved  the 
praise  of  God  better  than  the  praise  of  the  world, 
joined  ’em;  they  swept  over  the  land,  the  most 
wonderful  army  that  was  ever  seen.  Conquerin’ 
minds  and  hearts,  instead  of  bodies,  with  tears  and 
prayers  for  weapons.  Hindered  not  by  ridicule, 
helped  by  angels,  enduring  as  seeing  Him  who  is 
invisible,  conquerin’  in  His  name.  What  was  the 
Crusade  to  the  Holy  Land  that  I have  heerd  Thomaa 
J.  read  about,  to  this  ? That  was  to  protect  the  sep' 
ulchre  where  the  body  of  our  Lord  was  once  laid,  but 
this  was  to  defend  the  living  Christ,  the  God  in  man.” 

I don’t  know  how  much  longer  I should  have  kep’ 
on,  for  I eeemed  to  feel  more  and  more  eloquent  every 


102 


THE  QUESTION  DECIDED. 


minute — if  I hadn’t  all  of  a sudden  heerd  a little  low 
modest  snore  right  in  front  of  me,  and  I see  sister 
Minkley  was  asleep,  and  that  brung  my  senses  back 
as  you  may  say,  and  when  I took  a realizin’  sense  of 
my  situation,  and  see  how  still  the  school-house  was 
and  everybody  a listenin’  to  me,  I was  completely 
dumbfounded  to  think  I had  spoke  right  out  in  meet- 
in’  entirely  unbeknown  to  me. 

Cornelius  Cork  the  President  was  a sheddin’  tears, 
though  bein’  a man  he  tried  to  conceal  ’em  by  blow- 
in’  his  nose  and  coughin’  considerable  hard.  But 
coughin’  couldn’t  deceive  me ; no ! the  whoopin’  cough 
couldn’t,  not  if  he  had  whooped  like  an  Injun’s  war- 
whoop.  I see  ’em,  I had  my  eye  on  ’em. 

You  see  he  was  own  cousin  to  Willie  Harris  on  his 
mother’s  side — Willie’s  mother  and  his,  was  own 
sisters.  They  was  old  Joe  Snyder’ses  girls  by  his  first 
wife. 

Cornelius  Cork  never  asked  a person  to  judge  on 
the  question,  or  vote  on  it,  or  anything.  He  jest 
jumped  right  up  onto  his  feet,  and  says  he  in  a real 
agitated  and  choked  up  voice : 

‘‘It  is  decided,  that  it  is  wrong  to  licence  intemper- 
ance.” And  then  he  coughed  again  awful  hard. 
And  Lawyer  Nugent  got  up  and  said  sun  thin’  about 
adjournin’  the  meetin’  till  “ Sime-die.”  Though  what 
Simon  he  meant,  and  what  ailed  Sime,  and  whether 
he  died  or  not,  I don’t  know  to  this  day  no  more  than 
you  do.  Howsumever,  we  all  started  for  home. 


TIRZAH  ANN  AS  A WIFE. 


TIRZAH  ANN  was  to  home  a visitin’,  yesterday. 

They  keep  house  in  part  of  Brother  Minkley’ses 
house,  for  this  winter.  Brother  Minkley’ses  house  is 
a bigger  one  than  they  need,  or  can  furnish,  and  it  is 
handy  for  Whitfield  on  account  of  its  bein’  near  to 
the  law  office  where  he  learnt  his  trade.  But  Whit- 
field lays  out  to  open  a office  of  his  own  next  summer. 
Everybody  says  he  will  do  well,  for  the  lawyer  he 
learnt  his  trade  of,  has  a awful  creek  in  his  back  most 
the  hull  time.  If  he  is  a tryin’  anybody,  or  a swear- 
in’  anybody, — right  when  he  is  a usin’  the  biggest 
words,  a tryin’  and  a swearin’ — he  is  liable  to  crumple 
right  down,  and  be  carried  out  with  that  creek, — no 
dependence  on  him  at  all ; and  lawyer  Snow  has  got 
so  rich  that  he  don’t  care  whether  he  works  at  his 
trade  or  not ; so  there  seems  to  be  a clear  road  for 
Whitfield. 

And  they  are  a goin’  to  have  a house  of  their  own, 

103 


104 


A PROPOSED  GIFT. 


before  long, — though  nobody  knows  a word  about  it, 
only  jest  Tirzah  Ann’s  pa,  and  me.  I atted  Josiah  to 
give  Tirzah  Ann  her  portion,  now.  Says  I, — They 
are  a stiddy,  likely,  equinomical  couple,  and  wont  run 
through  it ; why  not  give  ’em  a start  now,  when  they 
need  it,  as  well  as  to  wait  till  you  and  I die,  and  have 
’em  kinder  lookin’  forred  and  ^hankerin’  after  our 
shoes,’  as  the  poet  says.  Says  I, — give  her  her  talent 
now,  Josiah,  and  let  her  improve  on  it.”  Says  I, — 
^4ess  buy  ’em  a house,  Josiah  Allen  ; they  wont  run 
through  it,  I know  they  wont.” 

I would  sejest  this  to  Josiah  Allen,  every  little 
while  ; but  he  hung  off.  Josiah  is  close,  (but  honest.) 
But  I kep’  a sejestin’  and  I kep’  a ’swaidin’,  and  fin- 
ally he  give  his  consent. 

We  are  goin’  to  buy  ’em  a neat  little  cream-colored 
house,  with  green  blinds,  right  on  the  age  of  the  vil- 
lage. We  have  got  our  eyes  on  it  now,  Josiah  and 
me  have ; and  to  speak  more  plain,  and  let  out  a 
secret — which  mustnH  go  no  further — we  have  got  a 
contract  of  it.  The  man  can’t  give  a clear  deed  till 
1st  of  September. 

This  house  and  the  one  next  to  it — which  is  jest 
exactly  like  it — are  kinder  set  off*  by  themselves,  and 
aje  the  handsomest,  pleasantest  places  in  Jonesville, 
and  everybody  says  so.  I told  Josiah  he  couldn’t  do 
better  than  to  buy  one  of  ’em,  and  he  sees  it  now ; 
he  feels  well. 

In  the  back  garden  is  fruit  trees  of  all  kinds,  and 


JOSIAH’S  FAVORITE  READING. 


105 


berry  vines,  and  bushes,  and  a well  of  soft  water ; 
two  acres  of  land,  be  it  more  or  less : to  wit,  name- 
ly, and  so  ith,  a runnin’  up  to  a stake,  and  back  again, 
to  wit.” 

Josiah  read  it  all  off  to  me;  he  is  a great  case  to 
read  deeds  and  insurance  papers,  and  so  4th.  He 
thinks  they  are  dretful  agreeable  readin’. 

I know  when  we  was  first  married,  and  he  wanted 
to  use  me  so  awful  well, — bein  jest  married,  he  nat- 
urally wanted  to  make  himself  agreeable  and  inter- 
estin’ to  me — and  so  to  happyfy  me  and  keep  me 
from  bein’  homesick,  and  endear  himself  still  more  to 
me,  he  would  draw  out  his  tin  trunk  from  under  the 
bed,  and  read  over  deeds  and  mortgages  to  me  by  the 
hour.  But  I didn’t  encourage  him  in  it,  and  kinder 
broke  it  up ; but  he  loves  to  read  ’em  to  this  day ; 
and  I felt  so  neat  over  this  contract,  that  I let  him 
read  the  hull  thing  right  through,  and  was  glad  to 
hear  it,  though  it  took  him  one  hour  by  the  clock.  He 
reads  slow,  and  then  there  was  so  many  whereases, 
and  namelys,  and  to  wits,  that  he  would  git  baulked 
every  few  minutes.  He  would  git  to  wanderin’  round 
in  ’em — git  perfectly  lost — and  I’d  have  to  lay  holt 
and  help  him  out. 

We  are  goin’  to  git  a deed  of  the  house,  unbeknown 
to  Whitfield  and  Tirzah  Ann,  and  make  ’em  a present 
of  it.  They  was  married  the  14th  day  of  September, 
at  4 o’clock  in  the  afternoon — jest  the  time  Josiah 
was  born — so  I told  Josiah  that  1 would  bake  up  as 


106 


AMERICAN  HOLIDAYS. 


/ 


nice  vittles  as  I could,  and  enough  of  ’em, — enough 
to  last  a week  or  ten  days— and  we  would  have  supper 
all  ready  in  the  new  house,  jest  the  day  of  the  month 
and  the  time  of  the  day  he  was  born  and  they  was 
married,  and  invite  ’em  over ; and  we’d  have  Thomas 
Jefferson  and  Maggie  Snow,  and  the  Widder  Doodle, 
and  turn  it  into  a sort  of  4th  of  July, — keep  the  day 
in  a kind  of  a camp-meetin’,  holiday  style. 

I believe  in  workin’  and  earnin’  your  honest  bread, 
etc.  and  so  4th ; but  still,  I believe  in  makin’  things 
agreeable  and  pleasant,  very.  We  Americans,  as  a 
nation,  are  a dretful  anxious-lookin’,  hard-workin’, 
long-faced,  ambitious,  go-ahead  race,  and  we  tackle  a 
holiday  as  if  it  was  a hard  day’s  work  we  had  got  to 
git  through  with  jest  as  quick  as  we  could ; and  we 
face  enjoyments  with  considerable  the  same  counte- 
ance  we  do  funerals.  But  I am  layin’  out  now  to 
take  a good  deal  of  comfort  the  14th  of  next  Sep- 
tember, Providence  permittin’. 

I think  a sight  of  Tirzah  Ann.  I’ve  done  well  by 
her,  and  she  sees  it  now ; she  thinks  a sight  of  old 
mother,  I can  tell  you.  She  enjoys  middlin’  poor 
health,  now-a-days,  and  her  pa  and  I feel  anxious 
about  her,  and  we  talk  about  her  a good  deal  nights, 
after  we  git  to  bed;  and  I wake  up  and  think  of  her 
considerable,  and  worry. 

And  truly,  if  anybody  is  goin’  to  set  up  in  the 
worry  business,  nights  is  the  best  time  for  it  in  the 
hull  twenty-four  hours ; middlin’-sized  troubles  swell 


NIGHT  THE  TIME  TO  WORRY. 


107 


out  so  in  the  dark  ; tribulations  tliat  haint  by  day- 
light much  bigger’fl  a pipes-tail,  at  midnight  will  look 
bigger’n  a barn.  I declare  for’t,  IVe  had  bunnets  be- 
fore now,  that  didn’t  suit  me, — was  trimmed  up  too 
gay,  or  come  over  my  face  too  much,  or  sunthin’,  and 
when  I’d  wake  up  in  the  night  and  think  on  ’em, 
they’d  look  as  big  to  me  as  a bushel  basket,  and  hum- 
blier;  and  I’d  lay  and  sweat  to  think  of  ever  wearin’ 
’em  to  meetin’ ; but  at  daylight,  they  would  kinder 
dwindle  down  again  to  their  natural  shape.  And  so 
with  other  sufferin’s  that  come  tougher  to  me  to  bear. 
When  I was  a bringin’up  Thomas  Jefferson,  tryin’  to 
git  him  headed  right,  how  many  times  he  has  stood 
before  me  at  midnight  a black-leg — his  legs  as  black 
as  a coal,  both  of  ’em  ; — a pirate ; a burglar ; he  has 
burgled  his  pa  and  me,  night  after  night ; set  Jones- 
ville  afire ; burnt  New  York  village  to  ashes ; and  has 
swung  himself  on  the  gallows. 

And  Tirzah  Ann  has  had  cancers ; and  childern  ; 
and  consumptions;  and  has  been  eloped  with;  and 
drownded  in  the  canal,  night  after  night;  but  good 
land  ! in  the  mornin’  the  childern  was  all  right.  The 
sunshine  would  shine  into  my  heart  like  the  promises 
in  the  Bible  to  them  that  try  to  bring  up  their  child- 
ern in  the  fear  of  the  Lord  ; and  I could  lay  holt  of 
them  promises  and  feel  first  rate. 

And  Josiah  Allen  ! I s’pose  I have  buried  that  man 
as  many  times  as  he  has  got  hairs  on  his  head,  (he  is 

pretty  bald)  when  he’d  have  a cold  or  anything.  I’d 

5 


108 


PHANTOMS  OF  THE  NIGHT. 


wake  up  in  the  latter  part  of  the  night,  when  it  was 
(lark  as  Egyptian  darkness,  and  I’d  git  to  thinkin’ 
and  worryin’,  and  before  I knew  it,  there  Josiah 
would  be  all  laid  out  and  the  procession  a meanderin’ 
off  towards  Jones ville  buryin’  ground,  and  I a fol- 
lerin’  him,  a weepin’  widder.  And  there  I’d  lay  and 
sweat  about  it ; and  I’ve  gone  so  far  as  to  see  myself 
lay  dead  by  the  side  of  him,  killed  by  the  feelin’s  I 
felt  for  that  man  ; and  there  we’d  lay,  with  one  stun 
over  us,  a readin’ : 

“Here  lays  Josiah  and  Samantha; 

Their  warfare  is  accomplished.” 

Oil ! nobody  knows  the  feelin’s  I would  feel  there 
in  the  dead  of  night,  with  Josiah  a snorin’  peacefully 
by  iny  side.  But  jest  as  quick  as  the  sun  would  rise 
up  and  build  up  his  fire  in  the  east,  and  Josiah  would 
rise  up  and  build  up  his  fire  in  the  stove,  why  them 
ghosts  of  fears  and  anxieties  that  haunted  me,  would, 
in  the  language  of  the  poem  Thomas  J.  was  readin’ 
the  other  day: — Fold  up  their  tents  like  an  Arab 
man  and  silently  go  to  stealin’  somewhere  else.  And 
I’d  git  up  and  git  a splendid  breakfast,  and  Josiah 
and  1 \vould  enjoy  ourselves  first  rate. 

There  is  sunthin’  in  the  sunlight  that  these  phan- 
toms can’t  stand ; curious,  but  so  it  is.  Their  consti- 
tution seems  to  be  like  the  Serious  flower  that  blow's 
out  in  tlie  night.  These  serious  ghosts — as  you  may 
say — are  built  jest  right  for  livin’  in  the  dark;  they 


KEBVOUS  WOMEN. 


109 


eat  darkness  and  gloom  for  a livin’,  die  off  in  the  day- 
time, and  then  resurrect  themselves  when  it  comes 
dark,  ready  to  tackle  anybody  again,  and  haunt  ’em, 
and  make  ’em  perfectly  miserable  for  the  time  bein’. 
But  truly,  I am  a episodin’ ; and  to  resoom  and  go  on  : 

Tirzah  Ann,  as  I said,  come  down  a visitin’ ; she 
brought  down  a little  pail  of  canned  sweet  corn,  all 
fixed  for  the  table.  I thought  that  sweet  corn  would 
be  the  death  of  the  Widder  Doodle;  it  made  her 
think  so  of  Doodle. 

Oh ! ” says  she,  when  1 think  how  I used  to 
raise  sweet  corn  in  my  garden,  and  how  Mr.  Doodle 
would  set  out  on  the  back  stoop  and  read  to  me  them 
beautiful  arguments  ag’inst  wimmen’s  rights,  when  I 
was  a hoein’  it ; and  how  he  would  enjoy  eatin’  it 
when  I’d  cook  it,  it  seems  as  if  I can’t  stand  it ; and 
shant  I never  see  that  man?”  says  she,  ‘^shant  I 
never  see  that  dear  linement  again?” 

And  she  out  with  her  snuff  handkerchief  and  cov- 
ered her  face  with  it.  Whether  she  cried  or  not,  I 
don’t  know.  I shant  say  she  did,  or  didn’t;  but  she 
went  through  with  the  motions,  that  I know. 

Tirzah  Ann  was  all  offen  the  hooks,  yesterdaj^,  she 
felt  down-hearted  and  nervous.  She  is  dretful  ner- 
vous  lately;  but  I tell  Josiah  that  I’ve  seen  other 
wimmen  jest  as  nervous,  and  I have ; and  they  got 
over  it,  and  Tirzah  Ann  will.  There  was  she  that 
was  Celestine  Gowdey,  she  was  so  nervous  — I’ve 
heerd  her  mother  say — her  husband  was  most  afraid 


110 


AN  EXPERIENCED  HUSBAND. 


/ 


of  bis  life ; she  would  throw  anything  at  him — the 
tea-pot,  or  anything — if  he  said  a word  to  her  she 
didn’t  like;  scalded  him  a number  of  times,  real  bad. 
But  he,  bein’  considerable  of  a family  man — he  had 
had  three  wives  and  fourteen  or  fifteen  childern,  be- 
fore he  married  Celestine — didn’t  mind  it,  knowin’ 
what  wimmen  was,  and  that  she’d  git  over  it  and  she 
did;  and  so  will  Tirzah  Ann.  It  comes  consider- 
able hard  on  Whitfield  now,  but  he  will  git  over  it 
and  wont  mind  bein’  scolded  at,  if  it  rains,  or  if  it 
don’t  rain,  or  if  the  old  cat  has  kittens. 

After  dinner  the  Widder  Doodle  went  up  stairs 
and  laid  down  for  a nap,  as  she  makes  a practice  of 
doin’  every  day ; and  glad  enough  was  I to  see  her 
go.  And  after  she  had  laid  down  and  our  ears  had 
got  rested  off,  and  I had  got  the  work  all  done  up, 
and  Tirzah  Ann  and  me  had  sot  down  to  our  sewin’ 
— she  was  doin’  some  fine  sewin’  and  I laid  to  and 
helped  her — as  we  sot  there  all  alone  by  ourselves 
she  began  on  me,  and  her  face  lengthened  down  a 
considerable  number  of  inches  longer  than  I had  ever 
seen  it  as  she  went  on : 

She  was  afraid  Whitfield  didn’t  think  so  much  of 
her  as  he  used  to ; he  didn’t  act  a mite  as  he  used  to 
when  he  was  a courtin’  of  her.  Didn’t  kiss  her  so 
much  in  a week  now,  as  he  used  to  one  Sunday  night. 
Didn’t  set  and  look  at  her  for  hours  and  hours  at  a 
time,  as  he  did  then.  Didn’t  seem  to  be  half  as  ’fraid 
of  her  wings  spreadin’  out,  and  takin’  her  up  to 


TIRZAH  ANN’S  TROUBLES. 


113 


heaven.  Didn’t  seem  to  be  a bit  afraid  of  her  goin’ 
lip  bodily.  Didn’t  call  her  seraph  ” any  more,  or 
^^blessed  old  honey-cake,”  or  heavenly  sweetness,” 
or  angel-pie.”  About  all  he  called  her  now  besides 
Tirzah  Ann,  was  my  dear.” 

I see  in  a minute  the  cause  of  the  extra  deprested 
look  onto  her  face  that  day,  I see  in  a minute  where 
the  shoe  pinched  ” as  the  poet  says.  And  I see  here 
was  a chance  for  me  to  do  good;  and  I spoke  up  real 
earnest  like,  but  considerable  calm,  and  says  I : 

‘^Tirzah  Ann,  that  is  a first-rate  word,  and  your 
husband  Whitfield  Minkley  hits  the  nail  on  the 
head  every  time  he  says  it.  ^Dear!’  that  is  jest 
what  you  are  to  him,  and  when  he  puts  the  ^ my  ’ onto 
it  that  tells  the  hull  of  the  story ; you  are  dear,  and 
you  are  hisen,  that  is  the  hull  on’t.”  Says  I,  in  a real 
solemn  and  almost  camp-meetin’  tone,  Tirzah  Ann 
you  are  a sailin’  by  that  rock  now  that  the  happiness 
of  a great  many  hearts  founder  on,  that  a great  many 
life  boats  are  wrecked  on.”  Says  I,  lots  of  happy 
young  hearts  have  sailed  smilin’  out  of  the  harbor  of 
single  blessedness,  hit  ag’inst  that  rock  and  gone 
down  ; don’t  you  be  one  of  ’em ; ” says  I,  don’t  make 
a shipwreck  of  the  happiness  of  T.  A.  Minkley  late 
Allen ; histe  up  the  sail  of  common  sense  and  go  round 
the  rock  with  flyin’  colors,”  and  says  I in  agitated 
tones,  I’ll  help  you.  I’ll  put  my  shoulder  blades  to 
the  wheel.”  And  I continued  in  almost  tremblin’ 


114 


WHAT  HAPPINESS  IS. 


/ 


tones — as  I trimmed  off  the  edge  of  the  linen  cambric, 
and  went  to  overcastin’  of  it : 

I never  could  bear  to  see  anybody  want  to  set 
down  and  stand  up  at  the  same  time/’  says  T,  ‘‘it 
always  looked  so  unreasonable  to  me.”  And  says  I : 
“ Tirzah  Ann,  you  are  in  the  same  place ; you  want 
to  be  courted,  and  you  want  to  be  married  at  the  same 
time ; you  want  a husband  and  you  want  a bo  out  of 
the  same  man,  simultaneous,  as  it  were.” 

Says  I : “ Truly  we  can’t  have  everything  we  want 
at  one  time.  There  is  a time  for  apple  trees  to  blow 
out,  rosy  color — sweet — with  honey  bees  a hummin’ 
round  ’em ; and  there  is  a time  for  the  ripe  fruit,  and 
apple  sass.  We  can’t  have  good  sleighin’  in  hot 
weather,  we  can’t  be  drawed  out  to  a peach  tree  to 
eat  ripe  peaches  on  a hand  sled.  Slidin’  down  hill  is 
fun,  but  you  can’t  slide  down  hill  over  sweet  clover 
blows,  for  clover  and  snow  don’t  blow  out  at  the  same 
time.  And  you  can’t  have  peace,  and  rest,  and  quiet 
of  mind,  at  the  same  time  with  delerious  enjoyment, 
and  highlarious  mirth. 

“ There  is  as  many  kinds  of  happiness  as  ‘ there  is 
stars  in  the  heavens,’  and  no  twm  stars  are  alike,  they 
all  differ  from  each  other  in  their  particular  kind  of 
glory. 

“ Now  courtin’  is  considerable  fun,  sunthin’  on  the 
plan  of  catchin’  a bird,  kind  ’o  resky  and  uncertin’ 
but  excitin’  like,  and  considerable  happyfyin’.  To 
set  down  after  a good  8up])er,  contented  and  quiet,  by 


EVIDENCE  OF  LUNACY. 


115 


a bright  fireside  with  your  knittin’  work,  and  your 
aiF^tionate  pardner  fast  asleep  and  a snorin’  in  the 
arm  chair  opposite,  is  another  kind  of  happiness, 
nothin’  delerious  nor  highlarious  about  it,  but  con- 
siderable comfortin’  and  consolin’  after  all.  Now  you 
have  got  a good  affectionate  husband  Tirzah  Ann,  a 
man  that  will  look  out  for  your  comfort,  do  well  by 
you,  and  be  a good  provider ; and  you  musn’t  expect  to 
keep  the  lover;  I mean,  you  musn’t  expect  him  to  go 
through  with  all  the  performances  he  used  to  when  he 
was  tryin’  to  get  you ; why  it  is  as  unreasonable  as 
anything  in  the  world  can  be  unreasonable.” 

“Now”  says  I,  “ there’s  your  pa  and  me,  Tirzah 
Ann ; we  have  lived  together  in  the  neighborhood  of 
twenty  years,  and  we  are  attached  to  each  other  with 
a firm  and  cast-iron  affection,  our  love  for  each  other 
towers  up  like  a pillow.  But  if  that  man  should  go 
to  talkin’  to  me  as  he  used  to  when  he  came  a courtin’ 
me,  I’d  shet  him  up  in  the  smoke  house,  for  I should 
be  afraid  of  him,  I’ll  be  hanged  if  I shouldn’t ; 1 
should  think  he  was  a luny. 

“ I s’pose  he  thought  it  was  necessary  to  go  througli 
with  all  them  mysterious,  curious  performances, — talk- 
in’ strange ; praisin’  me  up  to  the  skies;  runain’  other 
wimrnen  down  to  the  lowest  notch ; jealous  of  likely 
men ; actin’  wild,  spooney ; eyein’  me  all  the  time  as 
close  as  if  he  was  a cat,  and  I was  a rat  hole ; writiir 
the  curiousest  letters  to  me ; threatenin’  to  kill  him- 
self if  I wouldn’t  have  him ; and  jumpin’  up  as  if  he 


116 


JOSIAH  COURTING. 


would  jump  out  of  his  skin,  if  I went  to  wait  on  mj- 
self  any,  pick  up  a ball  of  yarn,  or  open  a door  or 
anything.  I s’pose  he  thought  he  had  got  to  go 
through  all  this,  or  else  it  wouldn’t  be  courtin’.  But 
good  land ! he  couldn’t  keep  it  up,  I hadn’t  no  idee 
he  could,  or  he  couldn’t  get  no  rest  nor  I nuther.  It 
wore  on  me,  he  used  to  talk  so  dretful  curious  to 
me,  so  ’fraid  I’d  get  killed  or  wait  on  myself  a little 
or  sunthin’ ; and  eat ! why  I s’pose  he  eat  next  to 
nothin’,  till  I promised  to  have  him.  Why  ! when  we 
got  engaged  he  wasn’t  much  more’n  skin  and  bones. 
But  good  land ! he  eats  enough  now  to  make  it  up ; we 
hadn’t  been  married  a month  before  he’d  eat  every- 
thing that  was  put  before  him,  and  instead  of  settin’ 
down  and  talkin’  strange  at  me,  or  jumpin’  up  as  if 
he  was  shot  to  open  the  door — so  ’fraid  that  I would 
strain  myself  openin’  a door ; — why,  be  would  set  and 
whittle  and  let  me  wait  on  myself  jest  as  natural — let 
me  sprain  my  back  a reachin’  for  things  at  the  table, 
or  bring  in  wood,  or  anything.  Or  he  would  drop  to 
sleep  in  his  chair,  and  sleep  most  the  hull  evenin’  he 
felt  so  contented  and  happy  in  his  mind.” 

I see  I was  a impressin’  Tirzah  Ann  the  way  I want- 
ed to — and  it  made  me  feel  so  neat,  that  I wenttoalle- 
gorin,  as  I make  a practice  of  doin’  real  often,  when 
I get  eloquent ; sunthin’  in  the  Bunyan  style,  only 
not  so  long.  It  is  a dretful  impressive  way  of  talkin’. 

Says  I,  S’posen  a man  was  a racin’  to  catch  a 
boat,  that  was  liable  to  start  off  without  him.  How 


left  behind 


A STRIKING  ALLEGORY. 


119 


he  would  swing  his  arms  and  canter,  and  how  the 
sweat  would  pour  offen  his  eyebrows,  so  dretful  afraid 
he  wouldn’t  get  there  in  time  to  embark.  But  after 
he  had  catched  it,  and  sot  down  as  easy  as  could  be, 
sailin’  along  comfortable  and  happy  towards  the  place 
he  wants  to  go  to ; how  simple  it  would  be  in  him, 
if  he  should  keep  up  his  performances.  Do  you  s’pose 
he  is  any  more  indifferent  about  the  journey  he  has 
undertook  because  he  haint  a swingin’  his  arms,  and 
canterin’  ? No  ! the  time  for  that  was  when  he  was  a 
catchin’  the  boat,  ’fraid  he  shouldn’t  git  it  in  time. 
That  was  the  time  for  racin’,  that  was  the  time  for 
lookin’  wild,  that  was  the  time  for  sweat.  And  when 
he  had  catched  it  that  was  the  time  for  quiet  and 
happiness. 

When  Whitfield  Minkley  was  a tryin’  to  git  you, 
anxious,  ’fraid  he  shouldn’t,  jealous  of  Shakespeare 
Bobbet,  and  etcetery, — that  was  the  time  for  exertion, 
that  was  the  time  for  strange  talk,  spoony,  wild, 
spiritual  runnin’  and  swingin’  of  the  arms,  sentimen- 
tal canterin’  and  sweat.  Now  he  has  got  you,  he  is 
jest  as  comfortable  and  happy  as  the  man  on  tlie  boat, 
and  what  under  the  sun  is  the  use  of  his  swingin’  his 
arms  and  hollerin’. 

There  you  two  are,  in  your  boat  a sailin’  down 
the  river  of  life,  and  don’t  you  go  to  upsetin’  it  and 
your  happiness,  by  insistin’  on  makin’  him  go  through 
with  all  the  performances  he  did  when  he  was  a tryin’ 

to  catch  you.  It  is  unreasonable.” 

5* 


120 


EVERYTHING  PLEASANT. 


I never  see  any  one’s  mean  change  much  more  in 
same  length  of  time  than  Tirzah  Ann’s  mean  did,  while 
I was*a  allegorin’.  Her  face  seemed  to  look  a number 
of  inches  shorter  than  it  did  when  I begun. 

Pretty  soon  Whitfield  come,  and  he  and  Tirzah 
Ann  stayed  and  eat  supper,  and  we  should  have  got 
along  first  rate,  only  there  was  a nutcake — a long  slim 
one  with  two  legs — that  put  the  Widder  in  mind  of 
Doodle ; it  happened  to  be  put  on  her  plate,  and  she 
cried  one  hour  and  a half  by  the  clock. 


P.  A.  AND  P.  I, 


Last  Tuesday,  Thomas  J.  took  Maggy  Snow  ovei* 
to  Tirzah  Ann’s  a visitin’,  and  they  stayed  to  the 
Debatin’  school ; and  it  was  that  evenin’  that  Josiah 
and  me  first  talked  it  over  about  goin’  to  the  Sentinal. 

Thomas  J.  and  Maggy  haint  married  yet ; when  they 
will  be  I don’t  exactly  know,  but  before  long  I think, 
Josiah  can’t  bear  the  thought  of  havin’  Thomas  J. 
goin’  away  from  home,  and  Squire  Snow  wants  to 
keep  Maggy  jest  as  long  as  he  can.  He  has  been 
awful  sot,  the  old  Squire  has,  on  havin’  ’em  live 
there  right  in  the  family  after  they  was  married. 
But  Thomas  J.  is  as  determined  as  a rock  in  one 
thing,  that  when  he  and  Maggy  are  married  they  are 
goin’  to  keep  house  by  themselves.  And  I don’t 
blame  him  a mite.  The  Squire’s  folks  are  well  off  and 
have  got  everything  nice  and  convenient,  hot  and  cold 
water  comes  right  up  into  the  chambers,  and  other 

things  for  their  comfort.  But  his  sister  Sophronia 

121 


122 


THOMAS  J.  AND  MAGGY. 


Snow,  lives  with  ’em  ; has  got  to  have  a home  there 
always  accordin’  to  old  Mr.  Snow’ses  will.  And  I’ve 
heerd,  and  haint  a doubt  of  it  in  my  own  mind,  that 
she  is  a meddlesome  critter,  and  grows  worse  as  she 
grows  older.  You  know  time  aifects  different  natures 
different,  etcetery,  and  to  wit : — it  will  make  wine 
softer,  and  sweeter,  and  mellower,  and  make  vinegar 
sour,  and  sharper  than  a serpent’s  tooth,  if  serpents 
have  got'teeth,  which  I never  believed  for  a minute. 

I don’t  blame  Thomas  J.  a mite  for  not  wantin’  to 
settle  down  and  live  with  ’em,  neither  do  I blame 
’em  for  not  wantin’  to  come  and  live  with  us,  though 
it  would  be  dretful  agreeable  to  me  and  Josiah. 
Thomas  J.  talks  about  goin’  west  to  live,  when  he 
gets  married,  and  if  he  does  it  will  be  a awful  blow 
to  me,  but  still  I want  him  to  do  what  is  best  for 
him,  and  I tell  Josiah  that  we  all  ort  to  use  reason  if 
we  have  got  any  to  use.  Let  the  young  birds  build 
a nest  for  themselves,  even  if  the  old  birds  are  lone- 
some. Says  I to  Josiah  : 

^‘We  left  two  old  birds  lonesome  Josiah  Allen, 
when  we  built  our  own  nest  and  feathered  it  out  on 
the  inside  to  our  own  comfort  and  likin’,  with  the 
pure  white  feathers  of  love  and  content;”  (I  meant 
by  the  two  old  birds  father  Smith  and  mother  Allen, 
though  they  don’t  look  a mite  like  birds  either  of 
’em.)  and  them  feathers  we  feathered  it  out  with, 
are  warm  and  soft  now  as  anything.” 

“Well,”  says  Josiah,  “we  didn’t  go  west.” 


TESTING  A MAN’S  TEMPER. 


MARRIED  PEOPLE  GETTING  ACQUAINTED.  123 


That  thought  seems  to  plague  him  the  most  of 
anything,  and  it  does  me  too,*  I don’t  deny. 

But  Thomas  J.  is  in  the  right  on’t  about  wantin’  to 
set  out  in  married  life  without  any  outside  weights 
and  incumbrances.  The  first  years  in  married  life  is 
a precarious  time,  make  the  best  of  it.  A dret- 
ful  curious,  strange,  precarious  time ; and  if  ever  a 
woman  wants  a free  room  for  meditation  and  prayer, 
it  is  then ; and  likewise  the  same  with  the  man. 
There  never  was  two  persons  so  near  alike,  but  what 
they  was  different,  and  had  their  different  ways  and 
eccentricities ; and  folks  don’t  realize  the  difference 
in  their  dispositions  so  much,  I can  tell  you,  when 
they  live  from  a half  to  three  quarters  of  a mile 
apart,  as  they  do  when  they  cook  over  the  same  stove, 
and  sleep  under  the  same  comforter.  A woman  may 
think  she  knows  a man  jest  as  well  as  if  she  had  been 
through  his  head  with  a lantern  a number  of  times; 
but  let  her  come  to  live  with  him  from  day  to  day, 
and  from  week  to  week —in  sunshine  and  in  storm; 
when  dinner  is  ready  at  noon,  and  when  it  is  late ; 
when  his  boot-jack  is  on  the  nail,  and  when  it  gets 
lost;  when  stove  pipes  are  up,  and  when  they  are 
bein’  put  up ; and  in  all  other  trials  and  reverses  of 
life.  I tell  you  she  will  come  acrost  little  impatient 
obstinate  streaks  in  him  she  never  laid  eyes  on  before, 
little  selfish,  overbearin’  streaks.  And  the  same  with 
her.  He  may  have  been  firm  as  a rock  in  the  belief 
he  was  marryin’  an  angel,  but  the  very  first  time 


124 


NO  INTERMEDDLERS  WANTED. 


he  brings  unexpected  company  home  to  dinner  on 
washin’  day^  he’ll  find  he  haint.  They  may  be  awful 
good-principled  well-meanin’  folks  nevertheless,  but 
there  are  rocks  they  have  got  to  sail  round,  and  they 
want  strength,  and  they  want  patience,  and  they 
want  elbo’  room.  It  is  a precarious  time  for  both  on 
’em,  and  they  don’t  want  no  third  person  round  be  she 
male  or  female,  sacred  or  profane,  to  intermeddle  or 
molest.  Let  ’em  fight  their  own  warfare,  enjoy  their 
own  blessings,  build  up  their  own  homes  in  the  fear 
of  God,  sacred  to  their  own  souls  alone,  and  to  Him. 

They  don’t  want  any  little  hasty  word  they  may 
say  to  each  other,  commented  on  and  repeated  five 
minutes  after,  wLen  it  is  all  made  up  and  forgiven. 
They  don’t  want  anybody  to  run  and  complain  to,  in 
the  little  storms  of  temper  that  sometimes  darken  tlie 
honeymoon.  Good  land!  if  they  are Tet  alone  the 
little  clouds  will  disperse  of  themselves.  And  there 
is  another  moon,  what  you  may  call  the  harvest  moon 
of  married  life,  that  rises  to  light  true  married  lovers 
on  their  pilgrimage.  It  may  not  be  so  brilliant  and 
dazzlin’  as  the  honeymoon,  bnt  its  light  is  stiddy,  and 
calm,  and  mellow  as  anything,  and  it  shines  all  the 
way  down  to  the  dark  valley,  and  throws  its  pure 
light  clear  acrost  it  to  the  other  side.  Thomas  J. 
and  Maggy  will  walk  in  its  light  yet,  if  they  are  let 
alone,  for  they  love  each  other  with  a firm  and  cast- 
iron  affection,  that  reminds  me  of  Josiah  and  me,  my 
affection  and  hisen. 


TRUE  MARRIAGE. 


125 


So  as  I say  I don’t  blame  ’em  a mite  for  not  want- 
in’ to  live  with  his  folks  or  hern.  When  passion  has 
burnt  itself  out,  and  been  purified  into  a calm  tender 
affection  but  firm  as  anything  can  be  firm,  and  pa- 
tience has  been  born  of  domestic  tribulation  ; when 
they  have  built  up  their  own  home  on  the  foundations 
of  mutual  forbearance^  and  unselfishness,  and  trust  in 
each  other,  as  they  will  have  to  build  it  in  order  to 
have  it  stand — then  in  the  true  meanin’  of  the  term 
the  two  twain  have  become  one.  The  separate  strands 
of  their  own  individual  existence  will  become  twisted 
into  one  firm  cord,  strong  enough  to  stand  any  out- 
side pressure — Sophronia  Snow,  or  any  other  strain. 
Then  if  they  want  to  take  in  a few  infirm  or  even  bed- 
rid relations  on  his  side  or  on  hers,  let  ’em  take  ’em 
in,  it  would  be  perfectly  safe.  Let  ’em  do  as  they  are 
a mind  to,  with  fear  and  tremblin’. 

But  though  I tell  all  this  to  Josiah  Allen  a tryin’  to 
make  him  reconciled  to  the  idee  of  lettin’  Thomas  J. 
go,  though  I keep  a firm  demeanor  on  the  outside  of 
me,  nobody  knows  the  feelin’s  1 feel  when  I think  of 
his  goin’  west  to  live. 

Why  when  Tirzah  Ann  was  married,  the  day  after 
she  moved  away,  the  feelin’s  I felt,  the  lonesomeness 
that  took  holt  on  me,  wore  on  me  so  that  I had  to  go 
to  bed  regular,  ondress,  and  everything.  But  I held 
firm  there  in  the  bed,  I hung  on  to  reason,  and  never 
let  on  what  ailed  me.  And  Josiah  and  the  Widder 
Doodle,  was  skairt  most  to  death  about  me,  and  sweat 


126 


GOOD  EFFECT  OF  A SWEAT. 


me — give  me  a hemlock  sweat.  And  though  I didn’t 
say  nothin’  thinks’es  I to  myself,  with  the  bitter  feel- 
in’s  I have  got  inside  of  me,  and  a hemlock  sw^eat  on 
the  outside,  I am  in  a pretty  hot  place. 

But  I persume  that  sweat  was  the  best  thing  they 
could  have  done.  It  kinder  opened  the  pours,  and 
took  my  mind  offen  my  troubles.  It  was  so  on- 
common  disagreeable,  and  hard  to  bear,  that  I couldn’t 
think  of  anything  else  while  it  was  a goin’  on.  And 
then  it  satisfied  them,  that  was  why  I let  ’em  go  on 
with  it ; it  kinder  took  up  their  minds,  and  kep’  ’em 
from  talkin’  to  me  every  minute,  and  mournin’  to  me 
about  Tirzah  Ann’s  goin’  away.  Truly,  feelin’  as  I 
felt,  I could  stand  a hemlock  sweat  better  than  I could 
that. 

But  as  I said  more  formally,  I held  firm  there  in  the 
bed.  Though  my  body  was  wet  wdth  sweat,  my  mind 
was  dry  and  firm,  and  my  principles  cool  and  heft3^ 
I knew  it  was  the  way  of  nater,  what  I ort  to  have 
expected,  and  what  was  perfectly  right.  I couldn’t 
expect  to  keep  the  childern  with  me  always,  it  was 
unreasonable.  And  though  it  would  seem  as  lone- 
some and  roomy  as  if  one  side  of  the  house  was  gone, 
I must  stand  it  the  best  I could.  Now  when  a bird 
lets  her  young  ones  fly  away  from  the  old  nest,  I dare 
persume  to  say,  lots  of  memories  almost  haunt  that 
old  bird’s  heart,  of  sweet  May  mornin’s,  and  the  little 
ones  chirpin’  in  the  nest,  and  her  mate  a workin’  for 
’em,  and  a aingin’  to  ’em  close  by.  I dare  say  she 


THOMAS  J.  TO  GET  A SHEEP-SKIN. 


127 


thought  it  all  over,  that  old  bird  did,  how  the  sweet 
May  inornin’  with  its  bloom  and  gay  brightness,  she 
couldn’t  never  see  again,  and  the  little  soft,  dependent, 
lovin’  things  couldn’t  never  come  back  to  her  heart 
again,  to  be  loved  and  to  be  worked  for,,  and  she, paid 
for  that  work  every  minute  by  watchin’  their  growin’ 
strength  and  beauty.  But  she  held  firm — and  when 
the  time  came  for  ’em  to  fiy,  she  let  ’em  fiy.  No 
matter  what  she  felt,  upheld  by  duty  and  principle 
she  pushed  ’em  out  of  the  nest  herself.  She  held 
firm,  and  so  Samantha  Allen  is  determined  to,  she 
whose  maiden  name  was  Smith. 

If  Thomas  J.  and  Maggy  could  feel  contented  to 
settle  down  in  Jonesville  after  they  was  married,  the 
cup  of  my  happiness  would  be  full  and  runnin’  over, 
and  so  would  Josiah’s  cup;  for  we  could  see  him 
every  day,  or  three  times  a day  if  we  wanted  to. 
But  they  have  got  a good  Doctor  there  now — Thomas 
J.  has  studied  for  a Doctor ; goin’  to  get  his  sheep- 
skin in  July.  Though  I have  said  and  I say  still, 
that  I never  heerd  of  such  a present  to  give  the  last 
day  of  school  as  a sheep-skin.  And  it  looks  to  me 
as  if  his  teachers  was  dretful  hard  up  for  presents,  to 
have  to  fall  back  on  a sheep-skin.  I told  Thomas  J. 
that  when  a scholar  had  studied  day  and  night  as  he 
had  for  three  years  and  over,  it  seemed  as  if  (if  they 
was  goin’  in  to  sheep  presents  at  all,)  they  ort  to  give 
him  as  much  as  a live  sheep,  instead  of  killin’  it  and 
eatin’  the  mutton  themselves,  and  givin’  him  the 


128 


DOODLE  REMEMBERED  AGAIN. 


hide ; howsumever,  it  haint  none  of  my  business,  and 
if  he  is  satisfied  I ort  to  be.  Old  Dr.  Boinbus  speaks 
dretful  well  of  him,  says  he  is  jest  as  good  a Doctor 
to-day  as  he  is ; but  folks  have  got  kinder  attached 
to  the  old  Doctor,  he  havin’  helped  their  friends  into 
life  and  out  of  it,  for  years,  they  naturally  take  to  him, 
and  there  don’t  seem  to  be  much  of  any  chance  for  a 
young  Doctor,  I think  ; and  I know  that  Thomas  J. 
and  Maggy  had  ruther  stay  in  Jonesville  if  it  wasn’t 
for  that  he  and  Maggy  settle  down  by  themselves 
there — than  to  go  west.  But  if  he  makes  up  his  mind 
to  go,  I am  determined  to  put  my  shoulder  blades  to 
the  wheel,  keep  my  mind  stiddy  and  stabled,  so’s  to 
do  justice  to  my  own  principles,  and  be  a comfort  to 
my  Josiah. 

As  I said,  Thomas  J.  took  Maggy  over  to  Tirzah 
Ann’s  in  the  momin’  a calculatin’  to  stay  to  the  Debat- 
in’ school,  and  I told  Josiah  we’d  have  an  early  supper, 
and  go  in  good  season.  We  had  stewed  oysters,  and 
warm  biscuit  and  canned  peaches,  a first  rate  supper, 
and  Josiah  said  it  was.  And  it  went  off  dretful  agre- 
able  all  but  one  thing  ; the  Widder  Doodle  shed  tears 
when  Josiah  passed  the  oysters  to  her,  she  said  them 
oysters  put  her  in  mind  so  of  Doodle. 

But  she  wiped  up  in  a minute  or  two,  and  enjoyed 
her  supper  first  rate.  She  didn’t  want  to  go  out  in  the 
cold  she  said,  and  she  ofifered  to  wash  up  the  dishes — 
there  wasn’t  but  a handful  of  ’em  and  so  I let  her. 
The  dish-pan  put  lier  in  mind  of  Doodle  again,  and 


A BURGLER  CAUGHT. 


129 


we  left  her  a cryin;  it  was  time  to  go  and  we 
started  off. 

Josiah  went  to  the  Post-office,  and  I had  a little 
tradin’  to  do  to  the  stores  and  the  groceries.  But 
Jonesville  was  all  up  in  end,  as  you  may  say,  and 
every  place  where  1 went  to  I could  see  that  every 
man  was  rent  with  excitement  to  his  very  foundations. 

A grocer  man  where  we  did  our  tradin’  had  been 
burgled  the  night  before.  A poor  man,  a chair 
bottomer  by  trade,  had  stole  a codfish  weighin’  two 
pounds  and  a half,  and  a dozen  of  onions.  He  had 
tried  to  git  work  and  couldn’t  git  a thing  to  do,  so  he 
was  obleiged  to  follow  his  trade  in  a different  way 
from  what  he  wanted  to  follow  it ; and  the  conse- 
quence was,  his  family  was  perishin’  for  food.  And 
his  wife  havin’  the  consumption  thought  she  could  eat 
a little  codfish  and  onions  if  she  had  ’em.  So,  as  he 
couldn’t  get  trusted  for  22  cents  he  lay  to  and  stole 
’em.  And  Jonesville  rose  to  a man  in  anger  and 
wrath,  I never  see  so  big  a excitement  there,  and 
Josiah  said  he  never  seen  a excitement  there  or  any 
where  else,  any  where  near  the  size  of  this.  More’n 
a dozen  told  us  the  story  before  we  had  been  in  the 
grocery  twenty  minutes,  for  they  was  rampant  to 
tell  it. 

They  said  : they  got  on  the  track  of  the  codfish 
and  onions  early  in  the  mornin’,  tracked  ’em  to  the 
haunt  of  the  robber  (he  lived  in  a shanty  on  the  age 
of  the  village)  and  tore  the  booty  he  had  obtained  by 


130  RIGHTEOUS  INDIGNATION  AGAINST  THIEVES. 


lawless  rapine  from  his  grasp.  The  grocer  man  that 
was  rapined  got  back  the  biggest  part  of  the  codfish 
skin,  and  three  of  the  onions.  Though  they  said  the 
robber’s  pardner  in  iniquity  tried  to  conceal  her  guilty 
treasure  beneath  the  straw  bolster,  for  she  was  sick 
abed,  and  didn’t  know  when  she  should  ever  get  any- 
thing to  eat  again. 

They  said  they  demolished  the  straw  bolster  right 
there  on  the  spot,  in  their  righteous  anger  and 
as  an  example  to  the  women  of  the  mighty  power 
and  justice  of  the  law,  and  dragged  the  man  off  to 
jail  of  course.  But  they  wasn’t  satisfied  with  that, 
they  wanted  to  make  an  example  of  him.  The  man 
he  rapined  came  out  boldly  and  said  he  ort  to  be  mas- 
icreed^ right  there  in  the  streets.  Says  he,  “What  is 
the  nation  cornin’  to,  if  thieves  and  robbers  haint  made 
public  patterns  and  examplers  of  ? ” 

An  old  man  in  a blue  soldier  overcoat  who  was 
tryin’  to  get  trusted  for  some  plug  tobacco  said  to  the 
grocer  man  : “ He  ort  to  be  guletined.” 

But  the  grocer  didn’t  know  w’hat  that  meant ; he 
thought  the  old  man  was  kinder  praisin’  him  up,  so 
he  acted  mad  and  wouldn’t  trust  him.  But  the  one 
that  seemed  to  talk  the  biggest  about  it  was  P.  Cypher 
Bumpus.  Bein’  a lawyer  by  trade,  he  has  got  well 
acquainted  with  some  uncommon  big  words,  and  he 
naturally  loves  to  let  folks  see  on  what  familiar  terms 
he  is  with  ’em. 

He  uses  ’em  like  a master  workman.  He  didn’t 


THE  THIEF  AT  HOME. 


ALL  ROBBERS  NOT  THIEVES. 


133 


gesture  a mite ; they  say  he  wont  on  common  occas- 
ions. I’d  give  a cent  though  if  he  had  been  willin’ 
to,  for  I s’pose  it  is  a »ight  worth  goin’  miles  to  see. 
But  he  used  words  more’n  three  inches  long,  and  I 
don’t  know  but  some  would  have  come  nigh  onto 
four  inches  in  length,  a goin’  on  about  this  rapine. 

“Yes,”  says  Cornelius  Cork  takin’  aim  at  us  with 
his  forefinger  as  if  we  was  rabbits  eatin’  his  early 
cabbages.  “ Stealin’  is  sunthin’  that  Jonesville  and 
the  nation  cannot  and  will  not,  put  up  with.  And 
such  villains  and  robbers  will  find  out  that  we  wont ; 
fur  frummitr 

“ He  ort  to  be  gulentined,”  says  the  old  man  again. 
“ Ort  to  have ‘his  head  chopped  right  off  with  an  axe.” 

They  all  looked  favorably  at  the  old  man  now,  and 
the  grocer  man  trusted  him  right  on  the  spot  fora 
plug  of  tobacco. 

Josiah  come  in  jest  then  with  the  World  in  his  hand, 
and  he  turned  to  Cornelius  Cork,  and  says  he  : 

“I  see  by  the  World  to-day,  there  has  been  another 
case  of  public  stealin’ ; another  hundred  and  fifty 
thousand  stole  from  us  out  of  the  public  treasury.” 

“ Yes,”  said  Cornelius  Cork  in  a mild  gentle  tone : 
“ A little  case  of  fraud,  that  is  all.” 

“ Merely  a deficit  in  accounts,”  says  the  grocer  man 
who  was  rapined,in  a ’poligy  tone. 

“ Only  a trifiin’  defalcation  from  the  revenue,” 
says  the  old  man,  bitin’  off  another  chew  of  his 
tobacco  with  a serene  countenance. 


134 


NEW  NAMES  FOR  CRIME. 


Nothin’  to  speak  of,”  says  P.  Cypher  Bumpus. 

Nothin’  worth  mentionin’,  a triflin’  abstraction,  a 
diminution,  a withdrawal  of  funds,  a emblezzlement.” 

Oh,  what  feelin’s  I felt  to  hear  ’em  go  on ; but  I 
didn’t  say  a word  to  ’em,  I don’t  believe  in  a woman 
bein’  bold  and  forred  in  her  demeanor.  But  to  see 
every  one  on  ’em  givin’  that  stealin’  a bigger  and  a 
bigger  name,  swellin’  and  puffin’  it  out  from  fraud 
clear  up  to  embezzlement,  and  no  knowin’  where  they 
would  stop,  if  somebody  didn’t  interfere.  I declare 
for’t,  it  give  me  such  feelin’s  that  I spoke  right  out 
to  Josiah,  and  my  tones  sounded  low  and  awful,  for  I 
heerd  ’em  unbeknown  to  me. 

Says  I,  Josiah  Allen,  what  feelin’s  it  makes  me 
feel  to  see  folks  strain  so,  and  hang  back  from  eatin’ 
a gnat,  and  then  swaller  a elephant  and  a rinoster- 
rous  and  a drumedary.”  Says  I,  ‘^When  a poor 
man  in  the  case  of  sickness  steals  a onion  and  a cod- 
flsh,  he  is  called  a thief  and  a robber ; he  is  drummed 
out  of  camp,  sent  to  jail,  knocked  down  by  public 
opinion,  and  kicked  after  he  is  down  by  the  same,  till 
he  is  completely  mortifled,  and  shame  and  disgrace 
bow  his  forward  down  into  the  dust.  But  let  a rich 
man  steal  all  he  can  lay  his  hands  to,  and  they  think 
it  is  sunthin’  pretty  in  him,  so  pretty  that  they  make 
a new  name  for  it,  and  he  w^ears  that  name  like  a 
feather  in  his  cap.  If  he  breaks  down  a purpose  to 
cheat  his  creditors,  they  call  it  ^ compromisin  ’ ‘ re- 
pudiation,’ both  of  these  name  stand  up  like  beautiful 


AN  “ EPOCK  POEM. 


135 


feathers  over  his  forward,  and  he  looks  grand  and 
feels  so.  If  he  lays  to  and  steals  right  out  openly 
hundreds  of  thousands  of  dollars  they  have  lots  of 
curious  and  handsome  names  to  ornament  him  with, 
all  the  way  from  defalcator  and  deficitor  up  to  em- 
bezzler. Why,  if  some  politician  should  steal  the  hull 
United  States  treasury,  they  would  have  to  make  a 
new  set  of  names  to  trim  him  off  with,  there  wouldn’t 
be  none  in  the  dictionary  half  big  and  noble  enough.” 

I follered  my  pardner  almost  mekanically  out  of 
the  store.  What  they  said  to  my  back  after  I left,  I 
know  not.  But  we  must  all  expect  to  be  backbited 
some,  else  why  do  we  have  backs. 

In  about  seven  minutes  time  we  was  seated  in  front 
of  the  Jonesville  Creation  Searchers,  a listenin’  to  a 
epicac  poem  from  Shakespeare  Bobbet — or  that  is 
how  Josiah  understood  ‘it;  I myself  thought  they 
called  it  a epock  poem  ; but  Josiah  said  when  we  was 
a talkin’  it  over  a goin’  home,  that  he  would  bet  the 
colt  it  was  a epicac. 

Says  he,  You  know  epicac  means  sunthin’  kinder 
weakenin’,  and  sickenin’,  and  that  is  why  such  poems 
as  hisen  are  called  epicacs.’' 

Well,”  says  I,  ^^seein’  we  haint  either  of  us  cer- 
tain, we  wont  lay  out  too  much  breath  arguin’  about 
it.  But  this  I know,  that  the  poetry  was  as  long 
and  dreary  as  the  desert  of  Sarah,  and  as  dry  as  Sarah 
ever  was  in  her  dryest  times.” 

It  happened  dretful  kinder  curious,  but  the  question 


136 


ABOUT  THE  “ SENT-TEN-AL/* 


up  that  iiiglit  before  the  Creation  Searchers  was  about 
Kleptomania — another  big  name  for  stealin’  that  I 
never  heerd  before — and  they  proved  it  out  so  beauti- 
ful, how  Kleptomania  worked  in  the  system,  and  how 
anybody  couldn’t  help  stealin’  who  had  the  distemper. 

After  they  settled  this  to  their  own  satisfaction,  and 
the  enlightenment  of  the  world,  the  President  got  up 
and  in  a awful  thrillin’  and  impressive  manner, — and 
usein  his  gesture  as  handy  as  I ever  see  a gesture  used 
— went  on  and  talked  in  a foamin’  manner  about  the 
Sentinal  that  was  goin’  to  be  at  Filadelfy  village  to 
celebrate  old  Epluribus’es  birthday ; and  he  went  on 
for  probable  half  an  hour  about  its  uncommon  and 
amazin’  bigness,  and  he  said  when  all  the  rest  of  the 
celebrated  men  of  America  and  the  world  w^as  to  be 
there,  it  didn’t  look  well  for  them  to  hang  back,  and 
shirk  out  of  goin’,  and  he  motioned  that  the  Creation 
Searchin’  Society  should  send  a body  there,  to  encour- 
age the  Sentinal,  and  collect  information  as  a body, 
and  he  went  on  to  say  that  if  they  concluded  to 
send  a body  there,  they  would  proceed  to  vote  on  who 
should  be  the  body,  and  how  many  it  should  be. 

Solomon  Cypher  got  up  and  said  the  name  told  on 
the  face  of  it : Sent-ten-al.  He  said  the  doings  was 
named  with  the  view  that  there  would  be  ten  sent 
there  from  the  Jonesville  Creation  Searchin’  Society. 

The  minute  he  sot  down,  Simon  Slirnpsey  got  up 
lookin’  as  if  he  would  sink  right  down  through  the 
floor  into  the  sutler.  Pd  seen  that  Betsey,  his  wife 


BETSEY  PROPOSES  A POEM.  I37 

had  been  a liuncliin’  and  pokin’  himj  tryin’  to  make 
liim  git  up,  and  whisperin’  to  him  in  a loud  angry 
wliisper.  And  says  he  in  a heart  broken  tone: 
it  will  add  any  to  the  gloom  and  melancholy  ” — here 
Betsey  give  such  a jerk  at  his  coat  skirts  that  he 
crumpled  right  down  for  a minute,  and  his  tone  was 
skairt  as  he  went  on — ^‘and  highlarity  of  Filadelfy  to 
have  a poem  sent  by  Betsey,  I can  carry  it,  I s’pose.” 
And  he  sunk  down  a murmurin’  : may  live  through 

it,  and  I may  not.”  And  he  almost  buried  his  face  in 
his  right  hand,  and  I think  shed  tears.  It  come  hard 
on  Simon. 

But  Solomon  Cypher’s  face  looked  dark  and  severe, 
and  he  rose  up  and  smote  himself  powerful  and  fre- 
quent as  he  said  : 

‘‘For  the  time  bein’  I represent  the  body.  And 
speakin’  in  the  name  of  the  body  which  1 now  am,  1 
say,  that  we,  the  body  cannot,  and  will  not  be  tram- 
meled and  bound  down  by  either  poetrj^,  or  bed- 
quilts.”  (Tw^o  wdmmen  jest  in  front  of  him  was  a 
w'hisperin’  loud;  rampant  to  send  a blazin’  stai  and  a 
sunflow^er.)  “ The  body  has  got  a great  reputation  to 
keep  up,  the  eye  or  eyes  of  the  different  globes  assem- 
bled there  will  be  on  it,  watchin’  the  demeanor  of  the 
body  and  copy  in’  after  it.  A great  reputation  is  to 
be  kep’  up.” 

Here  he  made  a low  bow  and  set  dowm.  And 
Shakespeare  Bobbet,  Secretary  of  the  Creation  Search- 
ers, got  up,  and  said  as  it  was  doubtless  the  aim 
6 


138  SPECTACLES  FOR  THE  ‘‘CREATION  SEARCHERS.” 


of  all  present  to  make  as  great  a stir  as  possible  in  the 
literary  and  scientific  world,  and  as  they  were  all  a 
workin’  for  that  end,  and  as  there  was  now  nine  shil- 
lings and  sixpence  in  the  treasury,  he  proposed  those 
moneys  should  be  expended  in  purchasing  spectacles 
for  the  body  to  wear  on  the  body. 

The  Editor  of  the  Auger  jumped  up  and  seconded 
the  motion,  sayin’  he  hadn’t  a doubt  about  its  increas- 
in’ its  reputation  for  deep  and  scientific  wisdom.  And 
he  thought  large  round  eyes  would  be  best  adapted  to 
givin’  the  body  a wise  look,  and  that  heavy  brass 
bows  would  help  to  give  weight  to  its  opinions. 

They  all  agreed  on  this  and  the  motion  was  carried 
in  triumphant.  Then  one  feller  who  had  been  round 
to  literary  conventions  a good  deal  and  had  got  high 
notions  in  his  head,  proposed  that  the  body  should  let 
their  hair  grow  long  in  their  necks ; he  said  it  would 
be  a great  help  to  ’em.  ‘ But  as  the  President,  and 
Solomon  Cypher  and  the  most  of  the  head  ones  was 
as  bald  as  a bald  eagle — hadn’t  hardly  a mite  of  hair 
to  their  heads — the  motion  was  laid  down  under  the 
table ; and  they  began  to  vote  on  who  was  to  be  sent. 
They  voted  in  Cornelius  Cork,  and  Solomon  Cypher, 
and  the  Editor  of  the  Auger,  and  Shakespeare  Bobbet 
and  several  others,  and  everything  seemed  peaceful 
and  happy — Solomon  Cypher  countin’  ’em  serenely 
out  of  his  hat — when  all  of  a sudden  without  no  warn- 
in’ he  jumped  up,  and  brandished  a vote  in  his  hand, 
and  veiled  out  in  a voice  a good  deal  like  thunder: 


JOSIAH  CAUSES  AN  EXCITEMENT. 


139 


‘‘  Who  ! where  is  the  villain  who  has  dared  to  de- 
mean this  society  and  put  it  to  shame  by  votin’  for  a 
woman  ? Where  is  the  wretch  and  the  demeaner 

And  he  looked  as  black  and  wrathful  as  an  iron 
musket,  and  he  struck  himself  in  the  breast  powerful 
blows,  and  with  every  smite  he  would  call  out  for 
^Hhat  villain  and  demeaner.”  It  was  a fearful  time; 
but  right  when  the  excitement  was  rainin’  most  fear- 
fully, I felt  a motion  by  the  side  of  me,  and  my  com- 
panion got  up  and  stood  on  his  feet  and  says  in  pretty 
firm  tones,  though  some  sheepish : 

I did,  and  there’s  where  I stand  now ; I vote  for 
Samantha.” 

And  then  he  sot  down  again.  Oh  ! the  fearful  ex- 
citement and  confusion  that  rained  down  again.  The 
President  got  up  and  tried  to  speak,  the  Editor  of 
the  Auger  talked  wildly,  Shakespeare  Bobbet  talked 
to  himself  incoherently,  but  Solomon  Cypher’s  voice 
drownded  ’em  all  out,  as  he  kep’  a smitin’  his  breast 
and  a hollerin’  that  he  wasn’t  goin’  to  be  infringed 
upon,  or  come  in  contract  with  by  no  woman  ! No 
female  woman  needn’t  think  she  was  the  equal  of 
man  ; and  I should  go  as  a woman  or  stay  to  home. 

I was  so  almost  wore  out  by  their  talk  that  I spoko 
right  out,  and  says  I,  Good  land ! how  did  you  s^pose 
I was  a goin’  ? ” 

The  President  then  said  that  he  meant,  if  I went  I 
musn’t  look  upon  things  with  the  eye  of  a ‘‘  Creation 
Searcher”  and  a man,  (here  he  pinted  his  forefinger 


140 


“WILL  YOU  GO  AS  P.  I.?” 


right  up  in  the  air  and  waved  it  round  in  a real  free 
and  soarin’  way,)  but  look  at  things  with  the  eye  of  a 
Private  Investigator  and  a woman  ; (here  he  pinted  his 
finger  firm  and  stiddy  right  down  into  the  wood-box, 
and  a pan  of  ashes,)  it  was  impressive,  very.  Then  he 
went  on  to  ask  me,  if  I was  willin’  to  go  as  a woman, 
and  with  what  eyes  I was  willin’  to  look  at  things. 

I kep’  on  a knittin’  with  considerable  calm,  and 
assured  ’em  with  quite  a lot  of  dignity,  that  bein’ 
a woman,  I should  most  probable  go  as  one,  and  not 
bein’  blind,  I should  look  at  things  with  my  own  eyes. 

But  will  you  promise  to  look  upon  things  in  a 
private  way,  not  as  a man  and  a ‘ Creation  Searcher?  ’ 
Will  you  go  as  Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  P.  I.,  which  means 
Private  Investigator?” 

I declare,  their  talk  was  enough  to  wear  out  a snipe ; 
and  as  I sot  there  bearin’  ’em  go  on,  big,  lofty  idees 
and  hefty  aspirations  began  to  tackle  me.  Truly  the 
fires  of  persecutions  are  always  fruitful  of  great  idees ; 
and  while  the  storms  of  opposition,  and  Cornelius 
Cork  and  Solomon  Cypher  and  etcetery  was  a ravin’ 
round  me,  I see  a mission  a loomin’  up  in  front  of  me, 
like  a war-horse  a waitin’  for  me  to  mount  and  ride 
off  to  victory  promiscous.  And  I spoke  out  in  a noble 
tone,  and  says  I : No ! I will  not  go  as  a P.  I.,  I will 
go  as  a P.  A. ; ” and  I continued  in  still  firmer  axents, 
I am  not  one  of  the  whifflin’  ones  of  earth,  my  mind 
is  firm  and  stabled,  and  my  principles  are  high  and 
foundered  on  a rock ; if  I go  at  all  I shall  go  as 


GOES  AS  P.  A.  AND  P.  I. 


141 


Josiali  Allen’s  wife,  P.  A.,  which  means  Promiscous 
Advisor,  in  the  cause  of  Right.”  But  Josiah  whis- 
pered to  me,  and  says  he : Let  ’em  put  on  the  P.  I., 
Samantha;  it  has  a sort  of  a good  sound ; go  as  a P. 
A. -and  a P.  I.” 

And  finally,  after  givin’  it  a half  a moment’s 
thought,  and  meditatin’  it  wasn’t  nothin’  ag’inst  my 
principles,  and  would  please  my  companion,  I con- 
sented to  go  as  Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  P.  A.  and  P. 
I.,  which  bein’  translated  from  the  original  means, 
Promiscous  Advisor,  and  Private  Investigator.  And 
bein’  dretfully  worked  up  by  more  than  a dozen  dif- 
ferent emotions,  and  almost  by  the  side  of  myself 
with  principles  and  everything — without  mistrustin’ 
what  I was  a doin’ — I riz  right  up  and  stood  on  my 
feet,  and  spoke  right  out  about  my  mission ; wavin’ 
my  knittin’  work  almost  eloquently.  Says  I : 

‘‘  When  childern  was  a bein’  briing  up,  and  mort- 
gages was  abroad,  my  place  was  to  home,  and  to  home 
I stayed.  But  when  liberated  from  these  cumberin’ 
cares,  and  mortgages  was  flown  and  childern  growed 
up;  iny  mind  was  a mind  that  couldn’t  be  curbed 
in,  when  great  questions  was  before  the  world : deep 
conundrums  that  has  puzzled  the  ages  w^aitin’  for  an 
answer,  and  them  answers  to  be  worked  out  by  indi- 
vidual men  and  wirnmen,  by  the  sweat  of  their  brows 
and  the  might  of  their  shoulder-blades,  says  I.  My 
mind  was  one  that  worked  nobly  for  the  good  of  the 
human  race,  and  women ; and  on  that  great  and  lofty 


SAMANTHA'S  ACCEPTANCE. 


142 

luission  it  took  a tower.  And  now  it  is  a mind  that 
can’t  be  held  in  and  hitched  to  the  fence  tliat  cowards 
set  acrost,  while  the  conflict  is  a ragin’  on  every  side 
of  ’em.  The  battle-fleld  where  Eight  opposes  Wrong 
is  a broad  one,  as  broad  as  the  hull  world,  and  in  every 
great  warfare  of  principle  there  has  been  martyrs, 
from  St.  Stephen — whose  body  was  stunned  to  death 
Avhile  heaven’s  glory  was  a shinin’  out  of  his  soul — 
to  old  John  Brown  who  died  faithful  to  that  eternal 
spirit  of  justice,  that  old  Error  never  could  stand.” 

Says  1,  — Old  Mr.  Brown  was  none  the  less  a 
martyr  because  he  fell  in  our  day,  and  has  not  been 
cannonized  by  the  hand  of  old  Time;”  says  I,  ‘Ohat 
same  old  warfare  of  Justice  with  Injustice,  Freedom 
with  Oppression,  and  True  Keligion  with  Bigotry,  is 
a goin’  on  now,  and  the  spirit  of  Martyrdom  is  strong 
in  me.  Gladly  would  I lead  on  the  hull  army  of  the 
Eight  triumphant*  into  victory,  even  if  1 fell  in  the 
conflict,  and  was  drownded  in  my  own  goar.  But 
such  a crown  of  honor  is  reserved  for  a nobler  and 
inebby  a higher  forward,  but  not  a more  well-wisher 
to  the  cause.  And  if  I can’t  head  a army,  and  lead 
the  vanguard  on  to  glory  and  to  victory,  I can  tussle 
with  the  little  guerillas  of  wrong,  that  are  let  loose  in 
society  ; I can  grapple  with  the  solitary  pickets  that 
Error  sends  out  ahead  of  his  armv  to  see  how  the 

c/ 

land  lays,  and  if  the  enemy  is  asleep  on  a post.  I can 
lay  holt  of  his  spies  that  are  hid  under  the  ambush  of 
fashion  and  custom.” 


THE  MATTER  SETTLED. 


143 


‘^Any  Advisor  is  a martyr  more  or  less,  for  when 
was  advice  not  scorned  and  rejected  of  men  and  wim- 
men  ? In  my  mission  of  Promiscous  Advisor,  I skall 
go  forth,  expectin’  to  tread  on  the  hot  coals  of  public 
opinion  ; be  briled  on  the  grid-iron  old  bigotry  keeps 
to  brile  her  enemies  on ; be  scalded  by  the  melted 
lead  of  old  custom ; and  be  burnt  up  on  the  stake  of 
opposition.”  Says  I — wipin’  my  heated  forward — 1 
am  happy  in  the  thought. 

‘‘And  I am  ready  to  set  forth  to-night,  or  to-morrow, 
or  next  summer,  not  harnessed  up  in  the  splendid 
trappin’s  of  a Major-General,  but  in  the  modest  mean 
of  a humble  militia  officer,  earnest  and  sincere,  and 
therefore  feelin’  as  much  self-respect,  as  if  I was  Com- 
mander-in-Chief  over  the  hull  caboodle.  I can  go,” 
says  I — wavin’  my  knittin’-work  outward  with  as 
noble  a wave  as  I ever  see  waved — “ I can  go  forth 
with  Josiah  by  my  side  a conqueror  and  to  conquer.” 

And  then  I sot  down,  for  principle  had  tuckered  me 
almost  completely  out;  and  while  they  was  a votin’ 
on  who  else  w^as  to  be  the  body,  Josiah  and  I started 
for  home.  There  was  a contented  look  to  his  face,  as 
he  started  off ; finally  he  spoke  out  in  gentle  axents: 

“ I am  glad  we  are  goin’  to  git  home  in  such  good 
season,  Samantha.  I guess  we  will  hang  over  the 
kettle,  and  have  a little  bite  of  sunthin’  to  eat ; I 
didn’t  eat  much  supper.” 


HOW  I WENT  TO  ’LECTION. 


I WAS  a makin’  Josiah  some  cotton  flannel  shirts, 
and  I lacked  enough  for  the  gussets  and  oue 
shoulder  band.  I had  also  run  out  of  shirt  but- 
tons; and  I was  a tollin’  the  Widder  Doodle  in  the 
forenoon,  that  I couldn’t  work  anotlier  stitcli  on  ’em 
till  I had  been  to  Jonesville.  And  she  said,  speakin’ 
of  cotton  flannel,  made  her  think  of  Doodle.  Slie 
took  in  work — hetchelled  tow  for  a woman — and 
bought  some  cotton  flannel  to  make  him  some  sliirts  ; 
and  when  slie  got  ’em  all  done,  they  didn’t  set  exactly 
right  somehow,  kinder  wrinkled  in  the  back  a little, 
and  she  had  to  take  ’em  all  to  pieces  and  make  ’em 
over  ; and  Mr.  Doodle  would  set  and  read  the  Evenin’ 
Grippher  to  her,  and  smile  at  her  so  sweet  when  she 
was  a rippin’  of  ’em  up.  She  said,  nobody  knew  but 
jest  her,  how  much  that  man  worshipped  her.  Says 
she,  I can’t  never  forget  his  linement,  and  I can’t 

never  marry  again  and  there  needn’t  nobody  ask  me 

144 


HOW  WOMEN  CAN  GO  TO  'LECTION. 


145 


to,  for  no  linement  can  ever  look  to  me  like  Mr. 
Doodle’ses  linement.” 

Says  I,  Don’t  take  on  so  sister  Doodle ; lie’s 
most  probable  in  a land  where  lie’ll  have  justice  done 
to  him.” 

Josiah  looked  up  from  the  Worlds  and  says  he  : 

“ I am  goin’  to  Jones ville  to  ’lection  bime  by, 
Samantha ; you’d  better  ride  down,  and  get  the  stuff’ 
for  my  shirts.”  Says  he,  The  Town  Hall,  as  you 
know,  is  bein’  fixed,  and  the  pole  is  sot  up  right  in 
the  store.  It  will  be  handy,  and  you  can  go  jest  as 
well  as  not.” 

But  I looked  my  companion  in  the  face  with  a icy, 
curious  mean,  and  says  I in  low,  strange  tones : 

“Wouldn’t  it  be  revoltin’  to  the  finer  feeliii’s  of 
your  sole,  to  see  a tender  woman,  your  companion, 
a crowdin’  and  elboin’  her  way  amongst  the  rude 
throng  of  men  surroundin’  the  pole  ; to  have  her  hear 
the  immodest  and  almost  dangerous  language,  the 
oaths  and  swearin’ ; to  see  her  a plungin’  down  in  the 
vortex  of  political  warfare,  and  the  arena  of  corrup- 
tion ? ” Says  I,  “ How  is  the  shrinkin’  modesty  and 
delicacy  of  my  sect  a goin’  to  stand  firm  a jostlin’  its 
way  amongst  the  rude  masses,  and  you  there  to  see 
it?”  Says  I,  “ Aint  it  a goin’  to  be  awful  revoltin’ 
to  you,  Josiah  Allen  ? ” 

“ Oh  no ! ” says  lie  in  calm  gentle  axents,  “ not  if 
you  was  a goin’  for  shirt  buttons.” 

“ Oh ! ” says  I almost  wildly,  “ a woman  can  plunge 
6* 


146 


HOW  DOODL.E  LOVED  HIS  WIFE. 


up  head  first  ag’inst  the  pole,  and  be  unharmed  if 
she  is  in  search  of  cotton  fiannel ; she  can  pursue 
shirt  buttons  into  the  very  vortex  of  political  life, 
into  the  pool  of  corruption,  and  the  inirey  clay,  and 
come  out  white  as  snow,  and  modest  as  a lilly  of  the 
valley.  But  let  her  step  in  them  very  tracks,  a 
follerin’  liberty  and  freedom,  and  justice,  and  right, 
and  truth  and  temperance,  and  she  comes  out  black  as 
a coal.*’  And  says  I in  a almost  rapped  way,  liftin’  up 
my  eyes  to  the  ceelin’ : Why  are  these  things  so  ? ” 
Yes,”  says  the  Widder  Doodle,  that  is  jest  wliat 
Mr.  Doodle  used  to  say.  He  said  it  would  make  a 
woman’s  reputation  black  as  a coal,  would  spile  her 
modesty  entirely  to  go  to  the  pole,  and  be  too  wearin’ 
on  her.  Says  he,  Dolly  it  would  spile  you,  and  I 
would  rather  give  my  best  cow  than  to  see  you  spilte.” 
Poor  Mr.  Doodle ! there  was  a heavy  mortgage  on  old 
Lineback  then — it  was  a cow  I brought  to  him  when 
we  was  married,  and  Mr.  Doodle  was  obleeged  to 
mortgage  her  to  git  his  tobacco  through  the  winter; 
it  was  foreclosed  in  the  spring,  and  had  to  go,  but 
his  speakin’  as  he  did,  and  bein’  so  willin’  to  give  up 
my  cow,  showed  jest  how  much  he  thought  of  me. 
Oh ! he  almost  worshipped  me,  Mr.  Doodle  did.” 

Jest  at  that  very  minute,  Josiah  laid  down  the 
Worlds  and  says  he : I am  a goin  to  hitch  up  the 

old  mare,  Samantha.  I guess  you  had  better  go,  for  1 
am  a sufferin  for  them  shirts  ; my  old  ones  are  a 
gettin’  so  thin  ; I am  cold  as  a frog.” 


SUSPICIOUS  ACTIONS  OF  JOSIAH. 


147 


I braided  my  Lair  and  done  it  up,  and  then  I made 
a good  cup  of  coffee,  and  brought  out  a cherry  pie, 
and  some  bread,  and  butter,  and  cheese,  and  cold 
meat.  We  all  eat  a little,  and  then  sister  Doodle 
bein’  anxiou~  about  the  shirts,  and  dretful  tickled 
about  my  goin’,  offered  to  wash  up  the  dishes. 

Josiah  said  we’d  got  to  stop  to  the  barn  for  the 
buffalo  skin ; he  come  out  with  it  all  rolled  up  in  a 
curious  way,  and  I see  there  was  a middlin’  sized 
bundle  in  it,  that  he  slipped  under  the  seat.  He 
seemed  so  anxious  for  me  not  to  see  it  that  I never 
let  on  that  I did ; but  I kep’  my  eye  on  it.  I didn’t 
like  the  looks  of  things;  Josiah  acted  strange,  but  he 
acted  dretful  affectionate  towards  me.  But  all  the 
while  I was  on  my  tower  towards  ’lection — and  the 
old  mare  went  slow,  all  the  time — though  my  face  was 
calm,  my  mind  was  worked  up  and  agitated  and  felt 
strange,  and  I kep’  s’posen  things.  I said  to  myself, 
here  I be  started  for  ’lection,  my  companion  settin’ 
by  my  side,  affection  on  his  face,  sweetness  and  peace 
tl ironed  onto  his  eyebrow,  and  at  home  is  a Widder 
Doodle  a helpin’,  me  off  to  ’lection.  Everything  is 
peace  and  harmony  and  gay,  because  I am  a goin’  to 
’lection  after  buttons  and  gussets  for  men’s  shirts. 
And  then  I’d  s’pose  t’other  way  ; s’posen  I was  a set- 
tin’  off  with  my  mind  all  boyed  up  with  enthusiasm 
in  the  cause  of  Right,  a earnest  tryin’  to  do  my  full 
duty  to  God  and  man,  pledgin’  my  life  and  sacred  honor 
to  help  the  good  cause  forred  and  put  my  shoulder 


1^8  WANTING  TO  KEEP  ON  THE  SAFE  SIDE, 


blades  to  the  wheel;  s’poseii  I was  on  my  way  to  vote, 
— and  it  wouldn’t  take  me  half  so  long  as  it  would 
to  pick  out  the  shirt  buttons,  and  things — my  Josiah’s 
face  would  look  black  as  a thunder  cloud,  anger  and 
gloom  would  be  throned  on  his  eyebrow,  his  mean 
would  be  fierce  and  warlike ; I should  be  an  outcast 
from  Isreal,  and  sister  Doodle  wouldn’t  have  washed 
a dish. 

And  so  I kep’  s’posen  things  till  we  got  clear  to  the 
store  door  and  Josiah  went  to  help  me  out ; and  then 
thinkin’  what  my  companion  had  warned  me  about  so 
many  times — about  how  dangerous  and  awful  it  was 
for  wimrnen  to  go  near  the  pole — I says  to  him,  in 
middlin’  quiet  tones: 

‘‘Josiah  I guess  I’ll  set  in  the  buggy  till  you  hitch 
the  old  mare,  and  then  you  can  go  in  with  me,  so’s  to 
kinder  keep  between  me  and  the  pole.” 

But  he  says  in  excited  tones : 

“Oh  shaw  ! Samantha;  what  fools  wimrnen  can  be, 
when  they  set  out  to  ! Who  do  you  s’pose  is  a goin’ 
to  hurt  you  ? Do  you  s’pose  Elder  Minkley  is  a goin’ 
to  burgle  you,  or  old  Bobbet  asalt  and  batter  you  I 
There  haint  a man  there  but  what  you  have  been  to 
meetin’  with.  You  wasn’t  afraid  last  Sunday  was 
you?  Go  in  and  get  your  buttons  and  things,  so’s 
to  be  ready  by  the  time  I am  for  once^ — wimmen  are 
always  so  slow.” 

1 didn’t  argue  with  him,  I only  said  in  cold  tones: 

“I  wanted  to  be  on  the  safe  side,  Josiah.” 


f 


JOSIAH’S  SECRET. 


BEFORE  THE  POLE. 


151 


But  oil ! liow  I kep’  s’poseii  things^  as  lie  lifted  me 
out  right  in  front  of  the  pole^  and  left  me  there  alone. 

Jofiiah  had  business  on  his  mind  and  it  made  him 
more  worrysome ; but  I didn’t  know  what  it  was  till 
afterwards.  As  1 was  a goin’  up  the  store  steps 
I kinder  looked  back,  and  I see  him  take  that  bundle 
out  of  the  wagon  in  a dretful  sly  way,  and  kinder 
meach  off  with  it.  I didn’t  like  the  looks  of  things; 
he  acted  guilty,  strange,  and  curious. 

As  I went  into  the  store,  I see  sister  Minkley  up  to 
the  counter  by  the  front  winder,  and  I was  glad  to 
see  her.  The  store  was  a big  one  and  quite  a lot  of 
men  was  goin’  up  and  votin’.  But  good  land  ! there 
wasn’t  nothin’  frightful  about  it,  I’ve  seen  three  times 
as  many  men  together,  time  and  again.  I wasn’t 
skairt  a mite,  nor  sister  Minkley  wasn’t  nuther.  Two 
men  was  a sw^earin’,  some,  as  I went  in,  but  we  heerd 
’em  swear  as  hard  again  4th  of  July’s  and  common 
days ; but  the  minute  they  catched  sight  of  sister 
Minkley  and  me,  they  stopped  off  right  in  the  middle 
of  a swear,  and  looked  as  mild  as  protracted  meetin’s, 
and  took  up  some  sticks  and  went  to  whittlin’  as 
peaceable  as  two  sheeps. 

Sister  Minkley  said  she  shouldn’t  thought  she  could 
have  come  out  that  day,  she  had  such  a cold  in  her 
head,  if  her  husband  hadn’t  urged  her  so,  to  come 
on  his  business.  His  heart  seemed  to  be  so  sot  on 
Kentucky  Jane — ” 

‘‘Jane  who?”  says  I in  awful  axents,  fori  couldn’t 


152 


UNFOUiSDED  bUISPlClOMS. 


hardly  believe  my  ears — my  faith  in  that  man’s  murals 
was  so  liigh^  it  was  like  a steeple  to  my  soul,  and 
always  had  been  ever  sense  I had  known  him- — and 
T thought  to  myself  if  I have  got  to  give  up  Elder 
W^esley  Minkley,  if  his  morals  have  got  to  totterin’  and 
swayin’  to  and  fro,  a tottlin’  off  after  Janes  and  other 
wimmen,  and  if  he  is  mean  enough  to  send  his  wife 
off  after  ’em,  I declare  for’t  I don’t  know  but  I shall 
mistrust  mv  Josiali.  I know  I looked  wdld  and 

t/ 

glarin’  out  of  my  eyes,  and  horror  was  on  my  mean, 
as  I asked  her  again  in  still  more  stern  tones  : 

Jane  who  ? ” For  I was  determined  to  get  to  the 
bottom  of  the  affair,  and  if  worst  come  to  worst,  to 
lay  it  before  the  meetin’  house  myself,  and  have  it 
stopped,  and  hushed  up,  before  it  got  out  amongst  tl  r 
world’s  people,  to  bring  a shame  onto  the  meetin’ 
house,  and  them  that  belonged  to  it.  And  then  as  a 
woman  that  had  a vow  on  her  in  the  cause  of  Eight, 
I felt  it  my  duty  to  look  out  for  Jane,  and  if  there 
was  any  hopes  of  reformin’  her,  to  befriend  her. 
And  so  I says  in  tones  that  would  be  replied  to : 

Jane  who  ? ” 

‘‘Why  Kentucky  Jane  for  overhauls,  he  thought 
my  judgment  on  Janes  was  better  than  hisen.” 

Oh ! ” says  I in  dretful  relieved  tones,  for  my 
heart  would  have  sung  for  joy  if  it  had  understood  the 
notes,  it  was  that  joyful,  and  thankful.  Says  I, 
“ They  have  got  a piece  here  that  wears  like  iron, 
Josiah  has  got  a frock  often  it.” 


THE  EDITOR’S  WIFE. 


153 


Well,  we  stood  there  by  the  counter,  a feeliid  of 
Jane,  and  tryin’  the  thickness  and  color  of  it,  and 
talkin’  together — as  wiinmen  will — when  who  should 
come  in  but  the  Editor  of  the  Auger’ses  wife.  She  is 
a woman  that  is  liked  better  on  further  acquaintance. 
She  is  thought  a sight  on  in  Jonesville  ; more’n  her 
husband  is,  ten  times  over.  She’s  had  two  pair  of 
twins  sense  she  was  married  ; I never  see  such  a hand 
for  twins  as  the  Editor  is.  He’s  had  three  pair  and 
a half  sense  I knew  him. 

Well,  as  I was  a sayin’,  she  came  in,  and  called  f§r 
some  cigars.  She  told  us  he  sent  her  to  git  ’em,  tlie 
two  biggest  twins  bein’  to  school,  and  there  bein’ 
nobody  to  come  only  jest  him  or  her.  She  had 
walked  afoot,  and  looked  tired  enough  to  sink ; they 
lived  about  a mile  and  a half  out  of  the  village. 

She  said  the  Editor  could  not  come  himself  for  he 
was  writin’  a long  article  on  The  Imprudence,  Im- 
purity, and  Impiety  of  W Oman’s  Appearance  at  the 
Pole.”  She  said,  he  said  he  was  goin’  to  make  a 
great  effort ; he  was  goin’  to  present  the  indecency 
and  immorality  of  woman’s  goin’  to  ’lection,  in  such 
a masterly  way  that  it  would  set  the  matter  to  rest  for- 
ever. It  was  for  to-morrow’s  paper,  and  bein’  obleeged 
to  use  up  so  much  brain,  as  he  had  to  in  the  effort,  he 
felt  he  must  have  some  cigars,  and  a codfish ; you 
know  fish  is  dretful  nourishin’  to  the  mind,  and  he  is 
fond  of  it ; he  told  her  to  get  the  biggest  codfish  she 
could  get,  and  bile  it  up.  And  she  was  goin’  to. 


154 


NOUIUSILMENT  FOR  THE  MIND. 


I didn’t  say  much  in  reply  to  her,  truly,  as  the 
poet  says,  The  least  said  is  the  soonest  mended.”  I 
only  told  her  in  a land  of  a blind  way,  that  if  codfish 
was  good  for  common  sense,  not  to  stent  him  on  it. 


BRAIN  FOOD. 


And  jest  then  the  store-keeper  came  back  from  down 
sillier  with  the  fish. 

Good  land  ! ” says  I the  minute  I laid  eyes  on  it ; 
haint  you  made  a mistake  ? ” 

What  mistake  ? ” says  he. 

Says  I,  Haint  it  a whale  ? ” 

‘‘  Oh  no,”  says  he,  it  is  a codfish ; but  it  is  a 
pretty  sizeable  one.” 

I should  think  as  much,”  says  I.  For  as  true  as  I 


WORRYIN’  ABOUT  JOSIAH. 


155 


live,  when  the  Editor  of  the  Auger’ses  wife  laid  it 
over  her  arm,  it  touched  the  floor  head  and  tail ; and 
it  made  her  fairly  lean  over  it  was  so  heavy.  And  I 
thought  to  myself  that  I could  have  tackled  the  big- 
gest political  question  of  the  day,  easier  than  I could 
tackle  that  whale,  and  carry  it  a mile  and  a half.  And 
so  the  Editor  of  the  Auger’ses  wife  went  home  from 
’lection,  luggin’  a whale,  and  walkin’  afoot. 

I picked  out  my  buttons,  five  cents  a dozen,  and 
bought  my  cotton  flannel,  and  no  Josiah.  I felt 
worried  in  my  mind.  I thought  of  that  mysterious 
bundle,  and  my  companion’s  strange  and  curious  looks 
as  he  brought  it  out  from  the  barn,  seemin’ly  unber 
known  to  me,  and  his  dretful  curious  actions  about  it 
as  he  meached  out  of  the  buggy  wdth  it.  And  I felt 
worried,  and  almost  by  the  side  of  myself.  But  1 
kep’  a cool  demeanor  on  the  outside  of  me — it  is  my 
way  in  the  time  of  trouble  to  be  calm,  and  put  my 
best  foot  forred. 

Jest  then  a man  come  up  to  me  that  I never  laid 
eyes  on  before.  He  was  a poor  lookin’  shack;  his 
eyes  was  white  mostly,  and  stood  out  of  his  head  as 
if  in  search  for  some  of  the  sense  he  never  could  git 
holt  of,  and  his  mouth  was  about  half  open.  A dret- 
ful shiftless  lookin’  critter,  and  ragged  as  a Jew — all 
but  his  coat,  and  I’ll  be  hanged  if  that  didn’t  look 
worse  than  if  his  clothes  was  all  of  a piece.  It  was  a 
blue  broadcloth  coat,  swaller  tailed,  and  had  been  a 
dretful  genteel  coat  in  the  day  of  it — which  I should 


156 


A SEEKER  AFTER  KNO\'  LEDGE. 


judge  was  some  fifty  or  sixty  years  previous  to  date. 
It  was  awful  long  waisted,  and  small  round,  and  what 
they  call  single  breasted  ; it  turned  back  at  the  breast 
in  a low,  genteel  way,  over  his  old  ragged  vest ; and 

ragged,  red  woolen 
shirt,  and  pinched 
him  in  at  the  bot- 
tom of  his  waist 
like  a pismire,  and 
the  tails  floated 
down  behind,  so 
polite  over  his  pan- 
taloons, which  was 
fairly  rags  and  tat- 
ters. As  I said, 
I never  laid  eyes 
on  him  before,  and 
still  as  he  come  np, 
and  stood  before 
me,  I felt  a curious, 
and  strange  feelin’ 
go  most  through  me  ; sunthin’  in  the  arrer  way.  A 
curiouser  more  familiar-like,  strange  feelin’,  I never 
felt.  But  1 didn’t  know  then  what  it  meant,  I was  in 
the  dark.  But  more  of  this,  anon,  and  hereafter. 

Says  the  man,  says  he;  beg  your  parding  mom, 
for  speaking  to  you,  but  you  have  got  such  a dretful 
good  look  to  your  face,  somehow — (Truly  as  I have 
sahl  prior,  and  before  this,  my  trials  with  the  Widder 


AN  HONEST  VOTER. 


157 


Doodle,  my  martyrdom  on  the  stake  of  Doodle  and 
particulars,  borne  like  a martyr,  have  purified  my 
mean  and  make  me  look  first-rate.)  Says  the  man, 
says  he  : ‘‘  You  look  so  good,  somehow,  that  I want 
to  ask  your  advice.’’ 

Says  I kindly,  ‘‘1  am  a Promiscous  Advisor  by 
trade  ; advisin’ is  my  mission.and  my  theme.  Ask  me 
any  advice  my  honest  man,  that  you  feel  called  to 
ask,  and  I will  proceed  to  preform  about  my  mission.” 

He  handed  me  a ticket,  with  a awful  dirty  hand, 
every  finger  nail  of  which  was  seemin’ly  in  the  deep- 
est of  mournin’  for  the  pen-knife  and  nail-brushes 
they  never  had  seen;  and  says  he,  “Will  you  tell 
me  mom,  whether  that  ticket  is  a democrat  ticket,  or 
the  t’other  one  ? ” 

I put  on  my  specks,  and  says  I,  “ It  is  the  t’other 
one.” 

“ Good  Gracious  ! ” says  he ; “ Christopher  Colum- 
bus! Pocahontas!  Jim  Crow  and  Jehosiphat!”  says 
he.  But  I interrupted  of  him  coldly,  and  says  I : 

“Stop  swearin’,  instantly  and  this  minute;  and  if 
you  want  my  advice,  proceed,  and  go  on.” 

Says  he,  “ There  I have  voted  that  ticket  seventeen 
times,  and  I was  paid  to  vote  the  democrat.”  Says 
he,  “ I am  a man  of  my  word,  I am  a poor  man  but  a 
honest  one.  And  here  I have,” — says  he  in  a mourn- 
ful tone — “here  I have  voted  the  wrong  ticket  seven- 
teen times.”  Says  he  in  a bitter  tone,  “ I had  ruther 
liave  give  half  a cent  than  to  had  this  happen.” 


158 


THE  SECRET  OUT, 


Sajs  lie,  “ 1 am  a poor  man,  I haint  no  capital  to  live 
on,  and  Lave  got  to  depend  on  iny  honesty  and  prin- 
ciples for  a livin’.  And  if  this  gets  out,  I am  a ruined 
man ; ” says  he  in  awful  bitter  tones,  what  would 
the  man  that  hired  me  say,  if  he  should  hear  of  it?” 

What  did  he  give  you  ? ”,says  I,  and  as  I said  this, 
that  strange,  curious  feelin’  came  over  me  again,  as 
strange  a feelin’  as  I ever  felt. 

Says  he,  “ He  give  me  this  coat.” 

Then  I knew  it  all.  Then  the  cast-iron  entered  rny 
sole,  the  arrer  that  had  been  a diggin’  into  me,  unbe- 
known to  me  as  it  was,  went  clear  through  me,  and 
come  out  on  the  other  side,  (the  side  furtherest  from 
sister  Minkley.)  Then  I knew  the  meanin’  of  the 
strange  feelin’  I had  felt.  It  was  Father  Allen’s  coat 
— one  that  had  fell  to  Josiah.  Then  I knew  the  mean- 
in’ of  my  companion’s  mysterious  demeanor,  as  he 
bore  the  bundle  from  tlie  barn.  His  plottin’s  the 
week  before,  and  his  drawin’s  onto  my  sympathy, 
to  keep  me  from  puttin’  it  into  the  carpet  rags,  when 
1 was  fairly  sufferin  for  blue  in  the  fancy  stripe,  and 
refrained  from  takin’  it,  because  he  said  it  would  hurt 
his  feelin’s  so.  Oh  the  fearful  agony  of  that  half  a 
moment.  What  a storm  was  a ragin’  on  the  inside  of 
my  mind.  But  with  a almost  terrible  effort,  I con- 
trolled myself,  and  kep’  considerable  calm  on  the  out- 
side. Truly,  everybody  has  their  own  private  col- 
lection of  skeletons;  but  that  haint  no  sign  they 
should  go  abroad  in  public  a rattlin’ their  bones;  it 


AN  HONEST  FAMILY. 


159 


don’t  help  the  skeletons  any  nor  their  owners,  and  it 
haint  nothin’  highlarious  and  happyfyin’  to  the  public. 
I hadn’t  no  idee  of  lettin’  sister  Minkley  into  the 
clothes-press  where  my  skeletons  hung,  knowin’  that 
she  probable  had  a private  assortment  of  her  own 
skeletons,  that  she  could  look  at  unbeknown  to  me. 

What  made  you  vote  the  wrong  ticket  ? ” Says 
I,  ‘‘  can’t  you  read  ? ” 

^^No,”  says  he,  ^^we  can’t  none  of  us  read,  my 
father,  nor  my  brothers ; there  is  nine  of  us  in  all. 
My  father  and  mother  was  first  cousins,”  says  lie  in 
a confidential  tone ; and  the  rest  of  my  brothers 
don’t  know  only  jest  enough  to  keep  out  of  the  fire. 
I am  the  only  smart  one  in  the  family.  But,”  says  he, 
my  brothers  will  all  do  jest  as  father  and  I tell  ’em 
to,  and  they  will  all  vote  a good  many  times  a day, 
every  ’lection ; and  we  are  all  willin’  to  do  the  fair 
thing  and  vote  for  the  one  that  will  pay  us  the  most. 
But  not  knowin’  how  to  read,  we  git  cheated,”  says 
he  with  that  bitter  look,  there  is  so  much  corruption 
in  politics  now-a-days.” 

^^1  should  think  as  much,”  says  I.  And  almost 
overcome  by  my  emotions,  1 spoke  my  mind  out  loud. 

‘‘  There  couldn’t  be  much  worse  goin’s  on,  anyway, 
if  wimmen  voted.” 

Wimmen  vote!”  says  he  in  a awful  scornful  tone. 
‘‘  Wimmen ! ” 

“ Then  you  don’t  believe  in  their  vmtin’,”  says  I 
mekanically  (as  it  were)  for  I was  agitated,  verj^ 


IGO 


BROTHER  MINKLEY  CONCURS. 


‘•No  I don’t/’  says  he^  in  a bold,  hauty  tone. 
“Wiminen  don’t  linow  enougii  to  vote.” 

I wouldn’t  contend  with  him,  and  to  tell  the  truth, 
though  1 haint  hauty,  and  never  was  called  so,  I 
was  fairly  ashamed  to  be  catched  talkin’  with  him,  he 
looked  so  low  and  worthless.  And  1 was  glad  enough 
that  that  very  minute  brother  Wesley  Minkley  came 
up  a holdin’  out  his  hand,  and  says  he : 

“ How  do  you  do  sister  Allen,  seems  to  me  you  look 
some  cast  down.  How  do  you  feel  in  your  mind  to- 
day, sister  Allen  ? ” 

Bein’  very  truthful,  I was  jest  a goin’  to  tell  him 
that  I felt  considerable  strange.  But  I was  glad 
indeed  that  he  forgot  to  wait  for  my  answer,  but  went 
on,  and  says  he : 

“ 1 heard  the  words  the  poor  man  uttered  as  I drew 
near,  and  I must  say  that  although  he  had  the  out- 
ward appearance  of  bein’  a shack — an  idiotic  shiftless 
shack,  as  you  may  say, — still  he  uttered  m}"  senti- 
ments. We  will  wave  the  subject,  however,  of  wim- 
men’s  incapacity  to  vote.” 

Elder  Minkley  is  a perfect  gentleman  at  heart,  and 
he  wouldn’t  for  anything,  tell  me  right  out  to  my  face 
that  I didn’t  know  enough  to  vote.  I too  am  very 
ladylike  when  I set  out,  and  I wasn’t  goin’  to  be  out- 
done by  him,  so  I told  him  in  a genteel  tone,  that  I 
should  think  he  would  want  to  wave  off  the  subject, 
after  perusin’  such  a specimen  of  male  sufferage  as 
had  jest  disappeared  from  our  vision. 


SENATOR  VYSE. 


161 


‘‘Yes/’  says  Elder  Minkley  mildly,  and  in  a gentle- 
manly way,  “ we  will  wave  it  ofi’.  But  Senator  Vyse 
was  a sayin’  to  me  jest  now — he  has  come  in  to  vote, 
and  we  got  to  talkin’,  the  Senator  and  I did,  about 
wimmen’s  votin’;  and  he  is  bitter  ag’inst  it.  And  I 
believe  jest  as  the  Senator  does,  that  woman’s  suf- 
ferage  would  introduce  an  element  into  politics,  that 
would  tottle  it  down  from  the  foundation  of  justice  and 
purity,  on  which  it  now  firmly  rests. 

I didn’t  say  a word,  but  oh  ! what  a strange  agitated 
feelin’  I felt,  to  hear  brother  Minkley  go  on— for 
that  very  Senator  Vyse  he  was  a talkin’  about,  is  a 
disgrace  to  Jonesville  and  the  world.  A meaner, 
licentiouser  man  never  trod  shoe  leather.  He  lives 
two  or  three  miles  out  of  Jonesville,  in  a awful  big, 
nice  place;  looks  like  a castle ; he  has  troops  of  ser- 
vants, and  a colored  nigger  to  drive  his  horses,  and  is 
considered  a big-bug.  And  truly,  if  meanness  makes 
a man  feel  big  he  has  reason  enough  to  feel.  I never 
could  bear  the  sight  on  him,  though  he  is  called  hand- 
some, and  has  dretful  fascinatin’  ways.  Bein’  so 
awful  rich  (he  owns  township  after  township,  and 
heaps  of  money)  he  is  made  as  much  of  as  if  he  was 
made  of  pure  gold  from  head  to  feet.  But  he’ll  never 
git  me  nor  Josiah  to  make  of  him;  Josiah’s  morals 
are  as  sound  as  brass. 

But  brother  Minkley  went  on  a talkin’,  and  oh ! 
how  I went  on  a thinkin’:  “Senator  Yyse  says,  that 
the  nation  would  be  so  madded  to  have  wimmen  try 


162 


HONORS. 


to  vote,  that  it  would  rise  up  to  a man,  to  defend  the 
purity  of  the  pole.  Ah  ! here  comes  the  Senator  to 
vote;  look  quick,  Alzina  Ann!  stand  up  close  to 
me,  and  I’ll  try  to  introduce  you.” 

Oh  I how  reverentially,  and  awe-struck  everybody 
in  the  store  looked  at  the  Senator  as  he  came  a sailin’ 
in,  a lookin’  as  big  and  hauty  as  if  he  owned  Jones- 
ville  and  the  hull  world.  I believe  they  would  have 
strewed  palm  leaves  in  his  way,  if  they  had  any  palms 
by  ’em.  He  stopped  a minute  to  speak  to  brother 
Minkley  and  the  Elder  introduced  his  wife  to  him, 
with  an  air  as  if  he  was  a settlein’  a dowery  on  her, 
that  would  make  her  rich  for  life.  And  sister  Mink- 
ley  looked  on  to  him  as  awe-stricken,  and  admirin’ly, 
as  if  he  w^as  a entire  menagery  of  new  and  curious  ani- 
mals,and  she  beholdin’  ’em  for  the  first  time  on  a free 
ticket.  And  when  he  reached  out  his  hand  to  shake 
hands  with  her,  she  acted  perfectly  overcome  with  joy. 

Then  brother  Minkley  introduced  the  Senator  to 
me,  with  considerable  the  mean  as  if  he  wvas  makin’ 
me  a present  of  a nice  house  and  lot,  all  paid  for. 
But  when  that  Senator  reached  out  his  hand  to  shake 
hands  with  Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  that  woman,  nerved 
completely  up  with  principle,  jest  looked  at  him  with 
a stiddy  lofty  mean,  and  gripped  holt  of  her  brown 
alpaca  overskirt,  and  never  touched  his  hand.  I 
wouldn’t.  It  was  white  and  delicate,  and  a great  seal 
ring  set  with  diamonds  glittered  on  it,  but  it  was 
stained  with  crimes  blacker  than  murder,  enough 


INTRODUCTION  TO  THE  SENATOR. 


A KEBUKE. 


165 


sight;  I had  jest  as  lives  laid  holt  of  a pisen  serpent. 

I am  naturally  well  bred,  and  polite  in  my  demean- 
or, and  the  politest  way  is  generally  the  quietest  way  ; 
so  ruther  than  make  a fuss,  I bowed  my  head  a very 
little,  mebby  half  or  three  quarters  of  a inch.  But 
oh ! what  a majestic  look  there  was  on  my  eyebrow ; 
what  a terrible  rebukin’  expression  curved  my  nostrils ; 
what  a firmness,  and  a icyness  there  sot  throned  on 
my  upper  lip.  He  felt  it.  His  handsome  false  face 
turned  red  as  blood,  as  I calmly  replied  to  brother 
Minkley’s  last  words.  Says  I : 

‘‘  I agree  with  you  brother  Minkley  in  what  you 
said.  I think  it  would  be  a first-rate  plan  to  keep 
impure  people  from  the  pole,  male  or  female.  It 
would  be  apt  to  thin  the  voters  out  considerable ; it 
would  be  apt  to  make  it  considerable  lonesome  for 
the  pole.  But  howsumever,  I should  approve  of  it 
highly  and  so  would  Josiah.” 

Trul}^,  if  the  coat  fits  anybody,  let  ’em  put  it  on 
freely,  without  money  and  without  price.  Senator 
Yyse  felt  what  I said  deeply,  I know  he  did,  for  I’ll 
be  hanged  if  I ever  see  Josiah’s  face  look  any  meach- 
ener  in  his  meachinest  times.  1 then  coolly  turned 
my  back  to  ’em  and  looked  out  of  the  winder;  and 
the  Senator  and  brother  Minkley  went  up  towards  the 
pole  together,  for  the  Elder  seemed  to  think  it  would 
be  a perfect  treat  to  see  such  a big  man  vote.  And 
sister  Minkley  followed  him  with  her  eyes,  as  admir- 

in’ly  as  if  he  was  a hull  circus,  side  show  and  all. 

7 


166 


''REST  FOR  THE  WEARY/' 


When  Senator  Vyse  and  Brother  Minkley  moved  off 
toward  the  pole.  Sister  Minkley  and  I was  left  alone. 
We  was  in  a little  corner  by  the  winder,  fenced  in  by 
a high  counter  and  still  more  deeply  secluded  by  a 
lofty  and  almost  precipitous  pile  of  rag  carpetin’, 
that  towered  up  on  the  nigh  side  of  us.  On  the  off 
side  as  I said  was  the  counter. 

My  body  stood  there  a lookin’  out  of  the  winder, 
but  my  mind  was  nearly  lost  in  thought,  a wander- 
in’ off  into  a complete  wilderness  of  strange  and  con- 
flictin’ idees ; little  underbrushes  of  puzzlin’  contra- 
dictions, runnin’  every  which  way,  and  hedgin’  my 
mind  almost  completely  up,  when  it  tried  to  soar  off 
free  and  noble ; great  high  trees  of  the  world’s  curi- 
ous beliefs,  and  practices,  and  proceedin’s,  castin’  a 
shadder  black  as  night  down  on  the  ever  green  mosses 
beneath  ’em  all.  Sometimes  my  tuckered  out  mind 
would  git  half  a minute’s  rest,  reclinin’  as  you  may 
say,  on  them  mosses,  that  with  tender,  faithful  fingers, 
touch  with  the  same  repose,  the  ruins  of  castle  and 
hovel;  that  are  ever  green  in  sunshine  and  in  shade; 
that  quietly,  silently  — never  hastin’,  never  restin’, 
never  tirin’ — make  a soft  piller  for  all  tired  heads 
alike ; the  lofty,  and  the  lowly.  Sometimes,  as  I say, 
I would  rest  half  a moment  in  the  thought  of  that 
tender  Mercy  and  Compassion.  And  little  wild 
■flowers  of  sweet  thoughts  and  consolations,  would 
kinder  peep  up  at  me^  and  hopes,  and  prophecies  of 


AN  ILLUSTRATION. 


16T 


truth  and  justice  would  shine  out  like  glorious  stars; 
and  I’d  git  perhaps  for  three  quarters  of  a moment 
or  so,  all  lit  up  and  a feelin’  awful  well.  Then  my 
mind  would  soar  off  again,  considerable  of  a ways, 
and  some  of  them  runnin’  vines  of  curious  idees  and 
customs,  that  was  a tanglin’  up  the  tree  tops,  would 
trip  it  up,  and  down  it  would  come  again — all  the 
harder  from  failin’  from  such  a height.  Good  land  ! 
what  a hard  time  it  was  a havin’.  All  of  a sudden 
sister  Minkley  spoke  up,  for  she  too,  it  seems,  had 
been  a lookin’  out  of  the  winder,  entirely  unbeknown 
to  me. 

Says  she,  believe  jest  as  Wesley  and  Senator 
Vyse  does.  Look  at  that  creeter  across  the  street. 
What  would  become  of  the  nation  if  such  things  was 
permitted  to  vote  ? ” 

And  she  pinted  with  her  gingham  umberell  across 
the  street  to  a girl  that  was  sometimes  in  Jonesville, 
and  sometimes  in  the  city.  A girl,  that  every  time  I 
looked  at  her,  made  my  cheeks  blush  with  shame  for 
her,  and  my  eyes  brim  over  with  tears  for  her.  I 
don’t  believe  there  was  ever  a dry  eye  in  my  head 
when  I looked  at  that  girl,  because  I had  heerd  her 
story,  the  hull  thing,  from  one  that  knew.  And 
that  was  one  very  great  reason,  why  I turned  my 
back  to  Senator  Yyse,  and  wouldn’t  touch  his  hand; 
the  mean,  contemptible,  creeter. 

This  very  girl  when  she  was  a child,  was  left  to  his 


1G8 


THE  ORPHAN  GIRL. 


/ 


care  by  her  dyin’  mother  and  she  grew  up  as  pretty  as  a 
half  blown  rose  bud,  and  jest  as  innocent ; an  orphan, 
unbeknowin’  to  the  world,  its  glory,  and  its  wicked- 
ness. And  he  learnt 
it  all  to  her,  all  its 
glory,  and  all  its 
wickedness ; for  she 
thought,  innocent 
young  lamb,  that  a 
new  world  of  light 
and  glory  had 
swung  down  from 
heaven  a purpose 
for  him  and  her,  in 
them  days  when  he 
ransacked  heaven 
and  earth  to  find 


YOUNG  WOMANHOOD. 


tender  ways  and  tender  words  enough  to  tell  his 
love  for  her,  his  admiration  for  her  beauty,  her  bright- 
ness, her  grace,  her  sweet  confidin’  innocence.  And 
so  he  held  her  heart,  her  life  in  his  hands,  and  she 
would  have  been  thankful  to  have  laid  them  down 
for  the  handsome  villain,  if  he  had  told  her  to.  And 
holdin’  her  heart  as  he  did,  he  broke  it.  Iloldin’  her 
life  as  he  did,  he  ruined  it.  By  every  hellish  art  that 
could  be  called  to  aid  him,  he  deliberately  committed 
this  sin.  Brought  her  down  from  innocence  and 
happiness,  to  ruin,  wretchedness,  disgrace,  despair, 


THE  BETRAYER^S  VICTIM. 


169 


drink,  the  streets.  And  then  he  was  unanimously 
chosen  by  a majority  of  the  people  to  make  wise  laws, 
such  as  legalizing  sin  and  iniquity,  and  other  noble 
statutes,  for  the  purifyin’  of  the  nation.  And  she, — 
why,  as  she  is  too  low  and  worthless  for  anything 
else,  she  is  used  as  a capital  illustration  to  enforce  the 
fact,  that  wimmen  like  her  are  too  sinful  to  vote.’’ 

Says  I speakin’  right  out,  loud  and  very  eloquent : 

Sister  Minkley,  as  sure  as  there  is  a God  in  heaven, 
such  injustice  will  not  be  permitted  to  go  on  forever.’’ 

I s’pose  I skairt  her,  speakin’  out  so  sudden  like, 
and  she  not  knowin’  what  performances  had  been  a 
performin’  in  my  mind.  And  she  murmured  again 
almost  mekanically : 

‘^It  would  be  the  awfulest  thing  I ever  hearn  on, 
for  such  creeters  to  vote.” 

Says  I,  That  old  torment  can  vote  can’t  he,  the 
one  that  brought  her  where  she  is  ? ” 

^^Xo  doubt  but  what  she  was  to  blame,”  says 
sister  Minkley  drawin’  her  lips  down  in  a real  woman- 
ly  way. 

Who  said  she  wasn’t ! ” says  I in  real  excited 
axents.  ^^But  this  I will  contend  for,  that  her  sin 
compared  to  his,  wasn’t  so  much  as  a morphine  powder 
to  a barrell  of  flour.” 

She  no  need  to  have  sunk  down  to  where  she  is 
now,”  says  sister  Minkley  speakin’  again,  in  a real 
prudent,  womanly  tone. 


170 


DOWN  ! DOWN ! ! DOWN  1 1 ! 


Says  I,  Sister  Minkley,  when  that  girl  found  out 
that  the  man  she  loved  better  than  her  own  soul,  that 
she  looked  up  to  as  a God,  as  wimmen  will,  wlien  she 
found  that  that  man  had  betrayed  her,  ruined  her,  do 

you  s’pose  she  had  any 
faith  left  in  God  or 
man  ? The  hull  world 
reeled  with  her,  and  she 
went  down  with  the 
shock.  How  low  she 
went  down,  you  nor  I 
shall  never  know.  And 
may  the  God  above, 
who  is  able  to  keep  us 
all  from  temptation, 
keep  your  childern  and 
mine,  sister  Minkley.” 

^^Amen  ! ’’  says  sister 
Minkley  jest  as  solemn 
as  if  she  was  to  cainp- 
meetin’.  For  danger 
never  looks  so  danger- 
ous, nor  ruin  so  ruinous, 
as  when  a mother  thinks 
of  her  own  childern  failin’  onto  it. 

Says  I,  “ Sister  Minkley  when  I think  it  might 
have  been  my  Tirzah  Ann,  what  feelin’s  I feel.” 
^^And  jest  so  I feel,”  says  she.  Sister  Minkley 


LET  MOTHERS  THINK, 


171 


does  dretful  well  by  her  childern,  thinks  a sight  on 
^euij  and  the  mother  in  her  was  touched. 

Says  Ij  Sister  Minkley,  that  girl  had  a mother 
once.  A mother’s  hand  to  guide  her  upwards — to  lay 
on  her  brow  when  it  ached.  A mother’s  love  to  keep 
her  from  temptation.  A mother’s  arms  to  hold  her 
from  evil,  from  coldness,  from  blame.  A mother’s 
heart  to  rest  on,  when  tired,  tired  out  with  the  world. 
Less  try  to  feel  for  her  a little  as  that  faithful  heart 
would,  if  it  wasn’t  put  away  under  the  grasses.” 

Says  I,  almost  eloquently,  ^^It  don’t  look  well 
sister  Minkley  for  mother’s  hands  that  have  held  little 
trustin’  baby  fingers  in  them,  to  be  pinted  out  in 
mockery,  or  stun  bruised  in  stunnin’  such  as  she.  No ! 
rather  let  them  be  lifted  up  to  high  heavens  in  prayer 
for  ’em,  or  reached  in  help  to  ’em,  or  wipin’  away 
tears  of  pity  and  sorrow  for  ’em.  Let  mothers  think 
for  one  half  or  even  one  third  of  a moment,  what  if 
death  had  unloosed  their  own  claspin’  lovin’  hands 
from  the  baby  fingers — tender  trustin’  little  fingers, — 
and  so  many  different  hands  in  the  world  reached  out 
to  clasp  ’em,  and  they  so  weak,  so  confidin’,  and  so 
woefully  ignorant  what  hands  to  lay  holt  of,  little 
helpless,  foolish  lambs,  that  love  guarded,  love  watch- 
ed in  safe  homes,  need  such  wise  guidance,  and 
prayers,  and  tears,  and  watchfulness — what  would 
become  of  them  wanderin’  alone  in  a world  full  of 
wolves,  temptation,  starvation,  and  more’n  forty  other 
old  whelps,  some  of  the  fiercest  ones  so  covered 


172 


THE  LITTLE  INNOCENTS. 


/ 


up  with  honest  lookin’  wool,  that  the  keenest  spec- 
tacles are  powerless  for  the  time  bein’  to  tell  ’em 
from  sheep.  Little  white  lambs  travelin’  alone  so 
dangerous  and  black  a road,  how  can  they  keep  them- 
selves white  unless  God  keeps  ’em.  We  mothers  ort 


THE  LITTLE  INNOCENT. 


to  think  such  thoughts  sister  Minkley,  and  pray 
prayers  daily,  not  alone  for  our  own  childern,  but  for 
all  of  Gods  little  ones — for  all  of  these  poor  wander- 
ers ; askin’  for  heavenly  wisdom  and  strength  to  save 
them,  win  them  back  to  a better  life.” 

Amen  ” says  sister  Minkley,  speakin’  up  jest  as 
prompt  and  serene  as  if  she  was  carry  in’  on  a confer- 
ence meetin’.  She  is  as  well  meanin’  a woman  as  I 
ever  see,  and  bein’  a Methodist  by  perswasion  Amens  ’ 


THE  MOTHER^S  GRIEF. 


173 


come  jest  as  natural  to  her  as  the  breath  she  breathes. 
They  are  truly  her  theme ; but  she  means  well. 

Says  I goin’  on  and  resumin’ : 

After  that  girl  gave  her  freshness  and  beauty  to 
the  little  face  that  lav  for  a few  months  on  her  bosom 
— dear  to  her,  dearer  to  her  in  all  her  shame  and 
guilt,  than  her  life,  because  she  could  see  his  features 
in  it — then  Senator  Vyse  grew  tired  of  her. 


^^And  then  her  baby  died.  Perhaps  God  knew  she 


GRIEF  AND  REMORSE. 


was  not  fit  to  guide  a deathless  life,  so  he  took  to 
himself  the  little  white  soul.  And  she  missed  it. 
Missed  the  little  constant  hands  that  clung  to  her 
trustingly — the  innocent  eyes  that  never  looked  at 

7* 


174 


DRIVEN  TO  DESPERATION. 


her  scornfully,  and  the  little  loving  head  that  nestled 
fearlessly  on  her  guilty  breast. 

“And  then,  the  Senator  bein’  very  tired  of  her,  and 
havin’  found  a newer  face  that  he  liked  better,  turned 
her  out  doors,  and  she  went  ravin’  wild,  they  say, 
run  olf  into  the  woods,  tried  to  kill  herself.  They 
took  her  to  the  hospittle,  and  when  she  got  over 
her  wildness,  she  would  set  by  the  winder  all  day, 
pale  as  a ghost,  jest  for  the  chance  of  seein’  him 
ridin’  by — for  she  couldn’t  kill  her  love  for  him, 
that  was  one  of  the  hardest  things  for  her;  she 


‘‘  TOOK  TO  DRINKIN’.*' 


couldn’t  strangle  it  out  no  more’n  she  could  kneel 
down  and  pray  the  sun  out  of  the  sky,  because  she 
had  had  a sunstroke.  And  what  did  she  do  to  try  to 
forget  him  and  her  agony  ? She  took  to  drinkin’,  and 
fell  lower  and  lower ; so  low,  that  nothin’  but  God’s 
mercy  can  ever  reach  down  to  her.” 


WHAT  SHE  ONCE  WAS,  AND  NOW  IS. 


175 


Says  I,  Her  face  used  to  be  as  innocent  and  sweet 
as  your  baby’s  face,  your  little  Katy ; and  look  at  it 
now,  if  you  want  to  see  wliat  this  man  has  done. 
Look  at  the  shame  there,  where  there  used  to  be  fear- 
lessness and  trust ; look  at  the  wretchedness,  where 
there  used  to  be  happiness ; look  at  the  vicious  look, 
the  guilty  look,  where  there  was  innocence  and  purity  ; 
see  how  she  is  shunned  and  despised  by  those  who 
used  to  love  and  respect  her ; consider  the  gulf  his 
hands  have  dug,  deep  as  eternity,  between  her  and 
the  old  life  she  weeps  over  but  can  never  return  to. 
If,  when  she  was  sweet,  and  innocent,  and  trustin’, 
and  fitter  for  heaven  than  she  ever  will  be  again — when 
she  was  first  left  to  his  care — he  had  killed  her  with 
his  own  hands,  it  •wouldn’t  have  been  half  the  crime 
he  has  done  now,  for  then  he  would  only  have  harmed 
her  body,  not  her  immortal  soul. 

^‘And  what  seems  to  me  the  most  pitiful  thing,  sister 
Minkley,  is,  he  ruined  that  girl  through  the  best  part 
of  her  nater— her  trust,  her  afl^ection.  Jest  as  a young 
deer  is  led  to  its  death  by  an  old  panther  mockin’ 
the  voice  of  its  dam,  jest  so  did  this  old  human 
panther  lead  this  innocent  young  creeter  astray  by 
mockin’  the  voice  of  love, — that  holiest  of  voices — lead 
her  down  to  destruction  through  her  tenderness,  her 
love  for  him.  And  now,  after  he  has  stole  her  happi- 
ness, her  innocence,  her  purity,  her  self-respect,  and 
tlie  respect  of  others,  all  her  earthly  hopes  of  happi- 
ness and  her  hopes  of  heaven  ; after  she  has  lost  aU 


176 


A WORD  FROM  THE  WISE  MAN, 


for  his  sake ; after  he  has  committed  this  crime  against 
her,  the  greatest  that  man  can  commit,  he  crows  over 
her  and  feels  above  her ; says,  “ you  can’t  vote,  but  1 
can;  oh  yes,  I am  all  right  because  I am  a man. 
Good  land ! sister  Minkley,  how  mad  it  makes  me  to 
see  such  injustice  and  iniquity.” 

But  sister  Minkley’ s mind  had  got  to  travelin’  again 
the  ways  of  the  world,  and  she  spoke  out  in  a sort  of 
a preachin’  tone — I s’pose  she  kinder  catched  it  from 
Brother  Minkley,  unbeknown  to  her  : 

“ Listen  to  the  voice  of  Solomon  concernin’  strange 
wimmen.  ‘ She  layeth  in  wait  as  for  a prey.  She 
increaseth  the  trangressions  amongst  men.  My  son 
rejoice  with  the  wife  of  thy  youth,  be  thou  ravished 
always  with  her  love.  Beware  of  strange  wimmen  ! 
Her  feet  go  down  to  death.  Her  steps  take  hold  on 
hell ! ’ ” 

I was  agitated  and  almost  by  the  side  of  myself, 
and  I spoke  out  quick  like,  before  I had  time  to  think 
how  it  would  sound. 

Says  I,  “ That  very  same  strange  woman  that 
Solomon  was  bewarin’  his  son  about,  was  innocent 
once,  and  in  the  first  on’t  some  man  led  her  astray, 
and  I shouldn’t  wonder  a mite  if  it  was  old  Solomon 
himself.” 

“ Good  gracious !”  says  sister  Minkley,  “ Why’e ! ” 

Says  I,  “ I mean  well  sister  Minkley ; and  there 
can’t  nobody  go  ahead  of  me  in  honorin’  Solomon  for 
what  was  honorable  in  him,  and  admirin’  what  was 


SOLOMON’S  WEAK  POINT. 


177 


admirable  in  him.  He  bilt  one  of  the  biggest  meet- 
in’  housen’s  that  ever  was  bilt,  did  lots  of  good,  and 
some  of  his  words  are  truly  like  ^ apples  of  gold  in 
pitchers  of  silver,’  chuck  full  of  wisdom  and  good- 
ness. But  I must  speak  the  truth  if  I speak  at  all 
sister  Minkley,  especially  where  my  sect  is  concerned. 
As  you  probable  know,  private  investigation  into  the 
wrongs  of  my  sect  and  tryin’  to  right  them  wrongs, 
is  at  present  my  mission  and  my  theme,  (and  also 
promiscous  advisin’.)  And  I must  say,  that  I think 
Solomon  talked  to  his  son  a little  too  much  about 
bewarin’  of  strange  wiminen,  and  exhortin’  him  to 
stick  to  the  wife  of  his  youth,  when  he  had  ten  hun- 
dred Mnmmen  by  him  all  the  time,  and  then  wasn’t 
satisfied  but  started  off  to  git  a couple  more  — up- 
wards of  a thousand  wimmen.  Good  gracious ! sister 
Minkley ; I should  have  thought  some  of  ’em  would 
have  looked  strange  to  him. 

“ Why  sister  Allen ! why’e  ! ” 

“ I mean  well,  sister  Minkley ; I mean  first  rate. 
And  I’ll  bet  a cent  if  you  should  speak  your  mind 
right  out,  you  would  say  that  you  don’t  uphold 
Solomon  in  all  his  doin’s  no  more’n  I do.  He  was 
altogether  too  familiar  with  wdmnien,  Solomon  was, 
to  suit  me,  Marryin’  seven  hundred  of  ’em.  Good- 
land  ! And  folks  make  a great  fuss  nowadays  if  a man 
marries  two;  claps  him  right  into  jail  quicker’n  a 
wink,  and  good  enough  for  him ; he  ort  to  go.  One 
woman  at  a time  is  my  theme,  and  that  is  the  theme 


178 


THE  STUDY  OF  WIMMEN. 


of  the  new  testament,  and  what  that  says  is  good 
enough  for  me  or  anybody  else ; it  is  God’s  own 
words  to  us  sister  Minkley.”  . 

I had  been  dretful  kinder  agitated  in  tone,  I felt  so 
deeply  what  I said.  But  I continued  on  in  some 
milder  axents,  but  impressive  as  impressive  could  be 
— for  I was  a talkin’  on  principle,  and  I keep  a tone 
by  me  all  the  time  on  purpose  for  that,  a dretful  deep, 
lofty,  eloquent  tone ; and  I used  it  now,  as  I went  on 
and  proceeded. 

As  I said  sister  Minkley,  I have  made  the  subject 
of  wimmen  my  theme  for  quite  a number  of  years — 
ever  sense  the  black  African  and  the  mortgage  on  our 
farm  was  released.  I have  meditated  on  what  wim- 
men has  done,  and  what  she  haint  done ; what  treat- 
ment she  has  received,  and  what  she  haint  received. 
Why  sometimes,  sister  Minkley,  when  I have  got  onto 
that  theme,  my  mind  has  soared  to  that  extent  that 
you  wouldn’t  have  any  idee  of,  if  you  never  had  seen 
anything  done  in  the  line  of  soarin’.  It  has  sailed 
back  to  the  year  one,  and  sailed  onwards  through  the 
centuries  that  lie  between  to  that  golden  year  we 
both  believe  in  sister  Minkley.  It  has  soared  clear 
from  the  east  to  the  west,  and  seen  sad  eyed  Eastern 
wimmen  with  veiled  faces,  toys,  or  beasts  of  burden, 
not  darin’  to  uncover  their  faces  to  the  free  air  and 
light  of  heaven,  because  man  willed  it  so.  It  has 
seen  Western  wimmen,  long  processions  of  savages, 
the  wimmen  carryin’  the  babies,  the  house,  and  house- 


EQUAL  RIGHTS  AND  RESPONSIBILITIES.  179 


hold  furniture  on  their  backs,  wliile  the  men,  unbur- 
dened and  feathered  out  nobly,  walked  in  front  of 
’em,  smoking  calmly,  and  meditatin’  on  the  inferiority 
of  wimmen. 

I never  contended  that  wimmen  was  perfect,  far 
from  it.  You  have  heerd  me  say  in  the  past,  that  I 
thought  wimmen  was  meaner  than  pusly  about  some 
things.  I say  so  still.  My  mind  haint  changed  about 


ABOUT  A FAIR  THING. 


wimmen,  nor  about  pusly.  But  justice  is  what  I have 
been  a contendin’  for;  justice,  and  equal  rights,  and  a 
fair  dividin’  of  the  burdens  of  life  is  my  theme ; and 
I say  they  haint  been  used  well. 

Now  in  the  year  one,  when  Adam  and  Eve  eat  that 


180 


ADAM  AND  EVE  PUNISHED  EQUALLY. 


apple,  jest  as  quick  as  Adam  swallowed  it — probable 
he  most  choked  himself  with  the  core,  he  was  in  such 
a awful  hurry  to  get  his  mouth  clear,  so  he  could  lay 
the  blame  onto  Eve.  “ The  woman  did  tempt  me, 
and  I did  eat.” 

“ But  thank  fortin,  he  didn’t  make  out  much,  for 
Eternal  Goodness,  which  is  God,  is  forever  on  the 
side  of  Right.  And  Adam  and  Eve — as  any  two  ort 
to  be  who  sin  together — got  turned  out  of  Eden,  side 
by  side,  out  of  the  same  gate,  into  the  same  wilder- 
ness ; and  the  flaming  sword  that  kept  Eve  back  from 
her  old  life  of  beauty  and  innocence,  kept  Adam 
back,  too.  Sister  Minkley,  that  is  my  theme.  When 
two  human  souls  turn  the  Eden  of  their  innocence  into 
a garden  of  guilt,  punish  ’em  both  alike,  and  don’t  turn 
her  out  into  the  wilderness  alone ; don’t  flash  the 
flamin’  sword  of  your  righteous  indignation  in  her 
eyes  and  not  in  hisen. 

And  then,  there  was  Ilagar’ses  case, — when  Abra- 
ham turned  Hagar  and  his  baby  out  into  the  desert. 
If  I had  lived  neighbor  to  ’em,  at  the  time,  I should 
have  give  him  a talkin’  to  about  it ; I should  have 
freed  my  mind,  and  felt  relieved  so  fur,  anyway.  I 
should  have  said  to  the  old  gentleman,  in  a pleasant 
way,  so’s  not  to  git  him  mad : — ^ I think  a sight  of 
you,  Abraham,  in  the  patriarch  way.  You  are  a 
good  man,  in  a great  many  respects ; but  standin’  up 
for  wimmen  is  my  theme,  (and  also  promiscous  ad- 
visin’,) and  do  you  think  you  are  doin’  the  fair  thing 


INJUSTICE  OF  ABRAHAM. 


181 


by  Hagar,  to  send  her  and  your  baby  off  into  the 
desert  with  nothin’  but  one  loaf  of  bread  and  a bottle 
of  water  between  them  and  death  ? ’ Says  I,  ‘ It  is 
your  child,  and  if  it  hadn’t  been  for  you,  Hagar 
would  probable  now  be  a doin’  housework  round  in 
Beersheba,  a happy  Avoman  with  no  incumbrances. 
It  is  your  child  as  well  as  hern,  and  you,  to  say  the 
least  of  it,  are  as  guilty  as  she  is;  and  don’t  you 
think  it  is  a little  ungenerous  and  unmanly  in  you, 
to  drive  her  off  into  the  desert — to  let  her  in  her 
weakness,  take  all  the  consequences  of  the  sin  you 
and  she  committed,  when  she  had  paid  for  it  already 
pretty  well,  in  the  line  of  sufferin’  ? ’ Says  I,  ‘ I 
think  a sight  of  you,  Abraham,  but  in  the  name  of 
principle,  I say  Avith  the  poet, — that  what  is  sass  for  ‘ 
the  goose,  ort  to  be  sass  for  the  gander — and  if  she  is 
drove  off  into  the  desert,  you  ort  to  lock  arms  with 
her  and  go  too.’ 

I’ll  bet  a cent  I could  have  convinced  Abraham 
that  he  Avas  doin’  a cowardly  and  ungenerous  act  by 
Ilagar.  But  then  I wasn’t  there ; I didn’t  live  neigh- 
bor to  ’em.  And  I persume  Sarah  kep’  at  him  all 
the  time ; kep’  a tewin’  at  him  about  her ; kep’  him 
awake  nights  a twittin’  him  about  her,  and  askin’ 
him  to  start  her  off.  I persume  Sarah  acted  meaner 
than  pusly. 

Human  nater,  and  especially  wimmen  human  nater 
is  considerable  the  same  in  the  year  18  and  1800,  and 
I’ll  bet  a cent,  (or  I wouldn’t  be  afraid  to  bet  a cent, 


182 


MEANNESS  OF  SARAH. 


if  I believed  in  bettin’,)  that  if  Sarah  had  had  her 
way,  Hagar  wouldn’t  have  got  even  that  loaf  of 
bread  and  bottle  of  water.  It  says,  Abraham  got  up 
early — probable  before  Sarah  was  up — and  give  ’em  to 
her,  and  started  her  off.  I shouldn’t  wonder  a mite 
if  Sarah  twitted  Abraham  about  that  loaf  of  bread 
every  time  she  did  a bakin’,  for  a number  of  years 
after.  And  that  bottle.  I dare  persume  to  say,  if 
the  truth  was  known,  that  she  thro  wed  that  bottle  in 
his  face  more’n  a hundred  times,  deplorin’  it  as  the 
toughest-hided,  soundest  bottle  in  all  Beersheba. 

But  as  I said,  I wasn’t  there,  and  Abraham  turned 
her  out,  and  Hagar  had  a hard  time  of  it  out  in  the 
desert,  toilin’  on  alone  through  its  dreary  wastes,  hun- 
gry for  bread,  and  hungry  for  love  ; dying  from  star- 
vation of  soul  and  body ; deceived ; despised ; wronged ; 
deserted ; lonely ; broken-hearted ; and  carrying  with 
all  the  rest  of  her  sorrow — as  mothers  will — the 
burden  of  her  child’s  distress.  Why,  this  woman’s 
wrongs  and  misery  opened  the  very  gates  of  Heaven, 
and  God’s  own  voice  comforted  and  consoled  her; 
again  Eternal  Justice  and  Mercy  spoke  out  of  Heaven 
for  wimmen.  Why  is  it  that  his  childern  on  earth 
will  continue  to  be  so  deaf  and  dumb  — deaf  as  a 
stun — for  6000  years. 

‘^But  from  that  time  to  this,  take  it  between  the 
Abrahams  and  the  Sarahs  of  this  world,  the  Hagars 
have  fared  hard,  and  the  Abrahams  have  got  along 
first  rate ; the  Hagars  have  been  turned  out  into  the 


WIMMEN  TO  BLAME. 


183 


desert  to  die  there,  and  the  Abrahams  that  ruined 
’em,  have  increased  in  flocks  and  herds ; are  thought  a 
sight  of  and  are  high  in  the  esteem  of  wimmen. 
Seems  as  though  the  more  Hagars  they  fit  out  for  the 
desert  business,  the  more  feathers  it  is  in  their  cap. 
Every  Hagar  they  start  out  is  a new  feather,  till  some 
get  completely  feathered  out ; then  they  send  ’em  to 
Congress,  and  think  a sight  on  ’em. 

I declare  for’t  it  is  the  singularest  thing  I ever 
see,  or  hearn  tell  on,  how  folks  that  are  so  just  in 
every  *thing  else,  are  so  blinded  in  this  one.  And  ” 
says  I almost  wildly — for  I grew  more  and  more  agita- 
ted every  minute,  and  eloquent — the  female  sect  are 
to  blame  for  this  state  of  affairs ; ” says  I,  men  as  a 
general  thing,  all  good  men,  have  better  idees  in  this 
matter  than  we  do,  enough  sight.  Wimmen  are  to 
blame — meetin’  house  wimmen  and  all, — you  and  I 
are  to  blame  sister  Minkley,”  says  I.  As  a rule 
the  female  sect  wink  at  men’s  sins,  but  not  a wink 
can  you  ever  git  out  of  them  about  our  sins.  Not  a 
wink.  We  have  got  to  toe  the  mark  in  morals,  and 
we  ort  to  make  them  toe  the  mark.  And  if  we  did, 
we  should  rise  25  cents  in  the  estimation  of  every  good 
man,  and  every  mean  one  too,  for  they  can’t  respect 
us  now,  to  toady  and  keep  a winkin’  at  ’em  when  they 
wont  at  us;  they  can’t  respect  us.  We  ort  to  require 
as  much  purity  and  virtue  in  them,  as  they  do  in  us, 
and  stop  winkin’.”  Says  I,  Winkin’  at  men’s  sins 
is  what  is  goin’  to  ruin  us  all,  the  hull  caboodle  of  us ; 


184 


RESULT  OF  ELOQUENCE. 


ruin  men,  ruin  wimmen,  Jonesville,  and  the  hull 
nation.  Let  the  hull  female  race,  fur  and  near,  bond 
and  free,  in  Jonesville  and  the  world,  stop  winkin’.” 

I don’t  believe  I had  been  any  more  eloquent  sense 
war  times  ; I used  to  get  awful  eloquent  then,  talkin’ 
about  the  colored  niggers.  And  I declare  I don’t  know 
where,  to  what  heights  and  depths  my  eloquence 
would  have  flown  me  off*  to,  if  I hadn’t  jest  that 
minute  heard  a low,  lady-like  snore — sister  Minkley 
was  asleep.  Tes,  she  had  forgot  her  troubles ; she 
was  loanin’  up  ag’inst  the  high  pile  of  rag  carpetin’, 
that  kinder  fenced  us  in,  fast  asleep.  But  truly,  she 
haiiit  to  blame.  She  has  bad  spells, — a sort  of  weak- 
ness she  can’t  help.  But  jest  at  that  very  minute  my 
Josiah  came  up  and  says  he: 

Come  Samantha ! haint  you  about  ready  to  go  ? ” 

^^Yes,”  says  I,  for  truly  principle  had  tuckered 
me  out.  Josiah’s  voice  had  waked  up  sister  Minkley, 
and  she  give  a kind  of  a start,  and  says  she : 

Amen,  sister  Allen  ! I can  say  amen  to  that  with 
all  my  heart.  You  talked  well  sister  Allen,  especi- 
ally towards  the  last.  You  argued  powerful.” 

I wasn’t  goin’  to  twit  her  of  not  hearin’  a word  of 

* . 

it.  Brother  Minkley  jest  that  minute  sent  in  word 
that  he  w^as  ready,  and  to  hurry  up,  for  the  colts 
wouldn’t  stand.  (He  had  hired  a neighborin’  team.) 
And  so  we  two  wimmen,  sister  Minkley  and  I started 
home  from  ’lection. 

I don’t  know  as  I ever  see  Josiah  Allen  in  any 


JOSIAH  TALKS. 


185 


better  spirits,  than  he  was,  as  we  started  off  on  our 
tower  homewards.  He  had  been  to  the  clothin’  store 
and  bought  him  a new  Sentinal  necktie,  red,  white 
and  blue.  It  was  too  young  for  him  by  forty  years, 
and  I told  him  so ; but  he  said  he  liked  it  the  minute 
he  sot  his  eyes  on  it,  it  was  so  dressy.  That  man  is 
vain.  And  then  ’lection  bid  fair  to  go  the  way  he 
wanted  it  to.  He  was  awful  animated,  his  face  was 
almost  wreathed  in  a smile,  and  before  the  old  mare 
had  gone  several  rods,  lie  begun  what  a neat  thing 
it  was,  and  what  a lucky  hit  for  the  nation,  that 
wimmen  couldn’t  vote.  And  he  kep’  on  a talkin’, 
that  man  did,  as  he  was  a carryin’  me  home  from 
’lection,  about  how  it  would  break  a woman’s  modesty 
down  to  go  to  the  pole,  and  how  it  would  devour 
her  time  and  so  4th,  and  so  4th.  And  1 was  that 
tired  out  and  fatigued  a talkin’  to  sister  JVlinkley  that 
I let  him  go  on  for  more’n  a mile,  and  never  put  in 
my  note  at  all.  Good  land  ! I’d  heerd  it  all  over 
from  him,  word  for  word,  more’n  a hundred  times, 
and  so  I sot  still.  I s’pose  he  never  thought  how 
it  was  my  lungs  that  ailed  me,  that  I had  used  ’em 
almost  completely  up  in  principle,  how  I was  almost 
entirely  out  of  wind.  And  though  a woman’s  will  may 
be  good,  and  her  principles  lofty,  still  she  can’t  talk 
without  wind.  For  truly  in  the  words  of  a poem,  I 
once  perused : 

What’s  Paul,  or  Pollus,  when  a sinner’s  dead  ? 
dead  for  want  of  breath.” 


186 


WHY  WIMMEN  SHOULDN'T  VOTE. 


I don’t  s’pose  he  thought  of  my  bein’  tuckered  out, 
but  honestly  s’pose  he  thought  he  was  convincin’  of 
me  ; for  his  mean  grew  gradually  sort  of  overbearin’ 
like,  and  contemptible,  till  he  got  to  be  more  big 
feelin’  and  hauty  in  his  mean  than  I liad  ever  known 
him  to  be,  and  independenter.  And  he  ended  up  as 
f oilers : 

‘^Now,  we  have  purity,  and  honesty,  and  unswer- 
vin’ virtue,  and  incorruptible  patriotism  at  the  pole. 
Now,  if  corruption  tries  to  stalk,  honest,  firm,  lofty 
minded  men  stand  ready  to  grip  it  by  the  throat. 
How  can  it  stalk,  when  it  is  a chokin’?  Wimmen 
haint  got  the  knowledge,  the  deep  wisdom  and  in- 
sight into  things  that  we  men  have.  They  haint  got 
the  lofty  idees  of  national  honor,  and  purity,  that  we 
men  have.  Wimmen  may  mean  well  — ” 

He  was  feelin’ so  neat  that  he  felt  kinder  clever 
towards  the  hull  world,  hemale,  and  female.  ^AVim- 
men  may  mean  well,  and  for  arguments  sake,  we’ll 
say  they  do  mean  well.  But  that  haint  the  pint,  the 
pint  is  here  — ” 

And  he  pinted  his  forefinger  right  towards  the 
old  mare.  Josiah  can’t  gesture  worth  a cent.  He 
wouldn’t  make  a oriter,  if  he  should  learn  the  trade 
for  years.  But  ever  sense  he  has  been  to  the  Debatin’ 
school,  he  has  seemed  to  have  a hankerin’  that  way. 

The  pint  is  here.  Not  knowin’  so  much  as  we  men 
know,  not  bein’  so  firm  and  lofty  minded  as  we  be, 
if  wimmen  should  vote  corruption  would  stalk;  they 


SAMANTHA  TAKES  PART. 


187 


not  havin’  a firm  enough  grip  to  choke  it  off.  They 
would  in  the  language  of  the  ’postle  be  ^ blowed  about 
by  every  windy  doctor.’  They  would  be  tempted  by 
filthy  lucre  to  ^sell  their  birth-right  for  a mess  of 
pottery,’  or  crockery,  I s’pose  the  text  means.  They 
haint  got  firmness ; they  are  whifflin’,  their  minds 
haint  stabled.  And  if  that  black  hour  should  ever 
come  to  the  nation,  that  wimraen  should  ever  go  to 
the  pole — where  would  be  the  lofty  virtue,  the  firm 
high-minded  honesty,  the  uncorruptible  patriotism 
that  now  shines  forth  from  politics  ? Where  would 
be  the  purity  of  the  pole  ? Where  ? oh  ! where  ? ” 
I’ll  bo  hanged  if  I could  stand  it  another  minute, 
and  my  lungs  havin’  got  considerable  rested,  I spoke 
up,  and  says  I : 

You  seem  to  be  havin’  a kind  of  a enquiry  meetin’ 
in  politics,  Josiah  Allen,  and  I’ll  get  up  in  my  mind, 
and  speak  in  meetin’.”  And  then  I jest  let  loose  that 
eloquent  tone  I keep  by  me  expressly  for  the  cause  of 
principle ; I used  the  very  loftiest  and  awfulest  one  I 
had  by  me,  as  I fastened  my  specks  immovably  on 
hisen.  Where  is  that  swaller  tailed  coat  of  Father 
Allen’s  ? ” 

And  in  slower,  sterner,  colder  tones,  I added : 
^^With  the  brass  buttons.  Where  is  it  Josiah 
Allen  ? Where  ? oh ! where  ? ” 

Oh ! What  a change  came  over  my  companion’s 
mean.  Oh,  how  his  feathers  drooped  and  draggled 
on  the  ground  speakin’  in  a rooster  and  allegory  way. 


188 


JOSIAH  OVERWHELMED. 


Oh,  what  a meachin’  look  covered  him  like  a garment 
from  head  to  foot.  I declare  for’t  if  his  boots  didn’t 
look  meachin’,  and  his  hat  and  his  vest.  I never  seen 
a meachener  lookin’  vest  than  hisen,  as  1 went  on  : 

“I’d  talk  Josiah  Allen  about  men  bein’  so  pure- 
minded,  and  honest.  I’d  talk  about  wirnmens  bein’ 
whifflin’  and  their  minds  not  stabled.  I’d  talk  about 
the  purity  of  the  pole.  I’d  love  to  see  Josiah  Allen’s 
wife  buyin’  votes;  bribin’  Miss  Gowdey  or  sister 
Minkley  away  from  the  paths  of  honesty  and  virtue, 
with  a petticoat  or  a bib  apron.  I’d  love  to  see 
George  Washington  offerin’  his  jack  knife  to  Patrick 
Henry  to  get  him  to  vote  his  ticket ; or  Ben  jamin 
Franklin,  or  Thomas  Jefferson  sellin  their  votes  for 
store  clothes.  I should  be  ashamed  to  go  to  the  Sen- 
tinal  Josiah  Allen,  if  I was  in  your  place.  I should 
be  perfectly  ashamed  to  set  my  eyes  on  that  little 
hatchet  that  George  Washington  couldn’t  tell  a lie 
with.  I should  think  that  hatchet  ■would  cut  your 
conscience  clear  to  the  bone — if  you  have  got  a con- 
science, Josiah  Allen. 

“ Oh  ! Did  I ever  expect  to  see  the  companion  of  my 
youth  and  middle  age,  betrayin’  his  country’s  honor; 
trafficin’  in  bribery  and  sin ; dickerin’  with  dishonesty ; 
tradin’  in  treason ; buyin’  corruption  ; and  payin’  for  it 
with  a swaller  tailed  coat,  with  his  old  father’s  blue 
Bwaller  tailed  coat  that  his  lawful  pardner  wanted  for 
carpet  rags.  Oh,  the  agony  of  this  half  an  hour, 
Josiah  Allen  ! Oh,  the  feelin’s  that  I feel.” 


/ 


JOSIAH  FINDS  HiS  SOCKET  IS  KNOWN 


JOSIAH  AS  A JOKER. 


191 


But  Josiah  had  begun  to  pick  up  his  crumbs  again. 
Truly  it  is  hard  work  to  keep  men  down  in  the  valley 
of  humiliation.  You  can’t  keep  ’em  worked  up  and 
mortified  for  any  great  length  of  time,  do  the  best  you 
can.  But  I continued  on  in  almost  dretful  axents. 

You  ort  to  repent  in  sackcloth  and  ashes,  Josiah 
Allen.” 

“We  haint  got  no  sackcloth  Samantha,”  says  he, 
“and  we  have  sold  our  ashes.  Probable  the  man 
wouldn’t  want  me  to  be  a repentin’  in  ’em.  It  would 
be  apt  to  leach  ’em,  too  much  lie  for  ’em.” 

“ I’d  try  to  turn  it  off  into  a joke,  Josiah  Allen, 
I’d  laugh  if  I was  in  your  place  about  lyin’.  Your 
tears  ort  to  flow  like  a leach  barrell.  Oh  if  you 
could  realize  as  I do  the  wickedness  of  your  act. 
Destroyin’  your  country’s  honor.  Sellin’  your  father’s 
coat  when  I wanted  it  for  carpet  rags.”  Says  I,  “ I 
am  as  good  a mind  as  I ever  was  to  eat,  to  color  the 
hull  thing  black,  warp  and  all,  makin’  a mournin’ 
carpet  of  it,  to  set  down  and  bewail  my  pardner’s 
wickedness  from  year  to  year.” 

“ It  would  look  pretty  solemn  Samantha.”  I see 
the  idee  worried  him. 

“It  wouldn’t  look  no  solemner  than  I feel,  Josiah 
Allen.” 

And  then  I kep’  perfectly  still  for  a number  of 
minutes,  for  silence  is  the  solemn  temple  with  its 
roof  as  high  as  the  heavens,  convenient  for  the  human 
soul  to  retire  into,  at  any  time,  unbeknown  to  any- 


192 


TRUE  TO  HIS  INSTINCTS. 


body ; to  offer  up  thanksgivin’s,  or  repent  of  iniquities. 
And  I thought  my  Josiah  was  repentin’  of  hisen. 

But  truly  as  I said  men’s  consciences  are  like  ingy 
rubber,  dretful  easy  and  stretchy,  and  almost  impossi- 
ble to  break  like  a bruised  reed.  For  while  I was  a 
hopin’  that  my  companion  was  a repentin’,  and 
thought  mebby  he  would  burst  out  a cryin’,  overcome 
by  a realizin’  sense  of  his  depravities ; and  I was  a 
thinkin’  that  if  he  did,  I should  take  up  a corner  of 
his  bandanna  handkerchief  and  cry  on  it  too — that 
man  for  all  his  back  slidin’s  is  so  oncommon  dear  to 
me — he  spoke  out  in  jest  as  chirp  a way  as  I ever 
seen  him,  and  for  all  the  world,  jest  as  if  he  hadn’t 
done  nothin’ : 

“ I wonder  if  sister  Doodle  will  have  supper  ready, 
Samantha.  I meant  to  have  told  her  to  fried  a little 
o’  that  beef.” 


HOW  WE  BOUGHT  A SEWIN’  MACHINE 
AND  ORGAN. 


E done  dretful  well  last  year..  The  crops  come 


IT  in  first-rate,  and  Josiali  had  five  or  six  heads  of 
cattle  to  turn  off  at  a big  price.  He  felt  well,  and  he 
proposed  to  me  that  I should  have  a sewin’  machine. 
That  man, — though  he  don’t  coo  at  me  so  frequent  as 
he  probable  would  if  he  had  mor^  encouragement  in 
it,  is  attached  to  me  with  a devotedness  that  is  firm 
and  almost  cast-iron,  and  says  he,  almost  tenderly  : 

Samantha,  I will  get  you  a sewin’  machine.” 

Says  I,  Josiah,  I have  got  a couple  of  sewin’  ma- 
chines by  me  that  have  run  pretty  well  for  upwards 
of — well  it  haint  necessary  to  go  into  particulars,  but 
they  have  run  for  considerable  of  a spell  anyway” — 
says  I,  I can  git  along  without  another  one,  though 
no  doubt  it  would  be  handy  to  have  round.” 

•But  Josiah  hung  onto  that  machine.  And  then  he 
up  and  said  he  was  goin’  to  buy  a organ.  Thomas 
Jefferson  wanted  one  too.  They  both  seemed  sot 
onto  that  organ.  Tirzah  Ann  took  hern  with  her  of 


193 


194 


‘'NEW  FANGLED  NAMES” 


course  when  she  was  married,  and  Josiah  said  it 
seemed  so  awful  lonesome  without  any  Tirzah  Ann 
or  any  music,  that  it  seemed  almost  as  if  two  girls  had 
married  out  of  the  family  instead  of  one.  He  said 
money  couldn’t  buy  us  another  Tirzah  Ann,  but  it 
would  buy  us  a new  organ,  and  he  was  determined  to 
have  one.  He  said  it  would  be  so  handy  for  her  to 
play  on  when  she  came  home,  and  for  other  company. 
And  then  Thomas  J.  can  play  quite  well ; he  can  play 
any  tune,  almost,  with  one  hand,  and  he  sings  first- 
rate,  too.  He  and  Tirzah  Ann  used  to  sing  together 
a sight;  he  sings  bearatone,  and  she  sulfireno — that  is 
what  they  call  it.  They  git  up  so  many  new  fangled 
names  nowadays,  that  I think  it  is  most  a wonder  that 
I don’t  make  a slip  once  in  a while  and  git  things 
wrong.  I should,  if  I hadn’t  got  a mind  like  a ox 
for  strength. 

But  as  I said,  Josiah  was  fairly  sot  on  that  machine 
and  organ,  and  I thought  I’d  let  him  have  his  way. 
So  it  got  out  that  we  was  goin’  to  buy  a sewin’ 
machine,  and  a organ.  Well,  we  made  up  oiir  minds 
on  Friday,  pretty  late  in  the  afternoon,  and  on  Mon- 
day forenoon  I was  a washin’,  when  I heard  a knock 
at  the  front  door,  and  I wrung  my  hands  out  of  the 
water  and  went  and  opened  it.  A slick  lookin’  feller 
stood  there,  and  I invited  him  in  and  sot  him  a chair. 

I hear  you  are  talkin’  about  bayin’  a musical  in- 
strument,” says  he. 

^^No,”  says  I,  we  are  goin’  to  buy  a organ.” 


THE  FIRST  AGENT. 


195 


Well,”  says  he,  want  to  advise  you,  not  that  1 
have  any  interest  in  it  at  all,  only  I don’t  want  to  see 
you  so  imposed  upon.  It  fairly  makes  me  mad  to 
see  a Methodist  imposed  upon  ; I lean  towards  that 
perswasion  myself.  Organs  are  liable  to  fall  to  pieces 
any  minute.  There  haint  no  dependence  on  ’em  at 
all,  the  insides  of  ’em  are  liable  to  break  out  at  any 
time.  If  you  have  any  regard  for  your  own  wel- 
fare and  safety,  you  will  buy  a piano.  JMot  that  I 
have  any  interest  in  advising  you,  only  my  devotion 
to  the  cause  of  Right ; pianos  never  wear  out.” 

Where  should  we  git  one?”  says  I,  for  I didn’t 
want  Josiah  to  throw  away  his  property. 

^^Well,”  says  he,  ^^as  it  happens,  I guess  I have 
got  one  out  here  in  the  wagon.  I believe  I threw 
one  into  the  bottom  of  the  wagon  this  mornin’,  as  I 
was  a cornin’  down  by  here  on  business.  I am  glad 
now  I did,  for  it  always  makes  me  feel  ugly  to  see  a 
Methodist  imposed  upon. 

Josiah  came  into  the  house  in  a few  minutes,  and 
I told  him  about  it,  and  says  I : 

- ^^How  lucky  it  is  Josiah,  that  we  found  out  about 
organs  before  it  was  too  late.” 

But  J osiah  asked  the  price,  and  said  he  wasn’t  goin’ 
to  pay  out  no  300  dollars,  for  he  wasn’t  able.  But 
the  man  asked  if  we  was  willin’  to  have  it  brought 
into  the  house  for  a spell — we  could  do  as  we  was  a 
mind  to  about  buyin’  it ; and  of  course  we  couldn’t 
refuse,  so  Josiah  most  broke  his  back  a liftin’  it  in, 


196 


THE  SECOND  AGENT. 


and  they  set  it  up  in  the  parlor,  and  after  dinner  the 
man  went  away. 

Josiah  bathed  his  back  witli  linement,  for  he  had 
strained  it  bad  a liftin’  that  piano,  and  I had  jest  got 
back  to  my  washin’  again  (I  had  had  to  put  it  away 
to  git  dinner)  when  I heerd  a knockin’  again  to  the 
front  door,  and  I pulled  down  my  dress  sleeves  and 
went  and  opened  it,  and  there  stood  a tall,  slim  feller; 
and  the  kitchen  bein’  all  cluttered  up  I opened  the 
parlor  door  and  asked  him  in  there,  and  the  minute 
he  catched  sight  of  that  piano,  he  jest  lifted  up  both 
hands,  and  says  he : 

You  haint  got  one  of  them  here ! ” 

He  looked  so  horrified  that  it  skairt  me,  and  says 
I in  almost  tremblin’  tones : 

What  is  the  matter  with  ’em  ? ” And  I added  in 
a cheerful  tone,  we  haint  bought  it.” 

He  looked  more  cheerful  too  as  I said  it,  and  says 
he  ^^You  may  be  thankful  enough  that  you  haint. 
There  haint  no  music  in  ’em  at  all ; hear  that,”  says 
he,  goin’  up  and  strikin’  the  very  top  note.  It  did 
sound  fiat  enough. 

Says  I,  There  must  be  more  music  in  it  than  that, 
though  I haint  no  judge  at  all.” 

Well,  hear  that,  then,”  and  he  went  and  struck 
the  very  bottom  note.  You  see  just  what  it  is,  from 
top  to  bottom.  But  it  haint  its  total  lack  of  music 
that  makes  me  despise  pianos  so,  it  is  because  they 
are  so  dangerous.” 


DANGERS  OF  PIANOS. 


197 


Dangerous  ? ” says  I. 

Yes,  in  thunder  storms,  you  see  ; ” says  he,  liftin’ 
up  the  cover,  here  it  is  all  wire,  enough  for  fifty 
lightnin’  rods — draw  the  lightnin’  right  into  the  room. 
Awful  dangerous ! No  money  would  tempt  me  to 
have  one  in  my  house  with  my  wife  and  daughter. 
I shouldn’t  sleep  a wink  thinkin’  I had  exposed  ’em 
to  such  danger.” 

Good  land!  ” says  I,  ‘‘I  never  thought  on  it  be- 
fore.” 

Well,  now  you  have  thought  of  it,  you  see  plainly 
that  a organ  is  jest  what  you  need.  They  are  full 
of  music,  safe,  healthy  and  don’t  cost  half  so  much.” 

Says  I,  A organ  was  what  we  had  sot  our  minds 
on  at  first.” 

‘‘Well,  I have  got  one  out  here,  and  I will  bring 
it  in.” 

“ What  is  the  price  ? ” says  I. 

“100  and  90  dollars,”  says  he. 

“ There  wont  be  no  need  of  bringin’  it  in  at  that 
price,”  says  I,  “for  I have  heerd  Josiah  say,  that  he 
wouldn’t  give  a cent  over  a 100  dollars.” 

“Well,”  says  the  feller,  “I’ll  tell  you  what  I’ll  do. 
Your  countenance  looks  so  kinder  natural  to  me,  and 
I like  the  looks  of  the  countrj^  round  here  so  well, 
that  if  your  mind  is  made  up  on  the  price  you  want 
to  pay,  I wont  let  a trifie  of  90  dollars  part  us.  You 
can  have  it  for  100.” 

“Well,  the  end  on’t  was,  he  brung  it  in  and  sot  it 


198 


THE  THIRD  AGENT. 


up  the  other  end  of  the  parlor,  and  drove  off.  And 
when  Josiah  come  in  from  his  work,  and  Thomas  J. 
come  home  from  Jonesville,  they  liked  it  first  rate. 
But  the  very  next  day,  a new  agent  come,  and  he 
looked  awful  skairt  when  he  catched  sight  of  that 
organ,  and  real  mad  and  indignant  too. 

That  villain  haint  been  a tryin’  to  get  one  of  tliem 
organs  ofi*  onto  you,  has  he  ? ” says  he. 

What  is  the  trouble  with  ’em  ? ” says  I,  in  a awe- 
struck tone,  for  he  looked  bad. 

Why,”  says  he,  there  is  a heavy  mortgage  on 
every  one  of  his  organs.  If  you  bought  one  of  him, 
and  paid  for  it,  it  would  be  liable  to  be  took  away 
from  you  any  minute  when  you  was  right  in  the 
middle  of  a tune,  leavin’  you  a settin’  on  the  stool; 
and  you  would  lose  every  cent  of  your  money.” 

Good  gracious  ! ” says  I,  for  it  skairt  me  to  think 
what  a narrow  chance  we  had  run.  Well,  finally,  he 
brung  in  one  of  hisen,  and  sot  it  up  in  the  kitchen, 
the  parlor  bein’  full  on  ’em. 

And  the  fellers  kep’  a cornin’  and  a goin’  at  all 
hours.  For  a spell,  at  first,  Josiah  would  come  in  and 
talk  with  ’em,  but  after  a while  he  got  tired  out,  and 
when  he  would  see  one  a cornin’,  he  would  start  on  a 
run  for  the  barn,  and  hide,  and  T would  have  to  stand 
the  brunt  of  it  alone.  One  feller  see  Josiah  a runnin’ 
for  the  barn,  and  he  follered  him  in,  and  Josiah  dove 
under  the  barn,  as  I found  out  afterwards.  I hap- 
pened to  see  him  a crawlin’  out  after  the  feller  drove 


WE  BUY  A ORGAN. 


201 


oflf.  Josiah  come  in  a sliakin’  himself — for  he  was  all 
covered  with  straw  and  feathers — and  says  he : 

Samantha  there  has  got  to  be  a change.’’ 

How  is  there  goin’  to  be  a change  ? ” says  L 
‘‘  I’ll  tell  you,”  says  he,  in  a whisper — for  fear  some 
on  ’em  was  prowlin’  round  the  house  yet — we  will 
git  up  before  light  to-morrow  mornin’,  and  go  to 
Jonesville  and  buy  a organ  right  out.” 

I fell  in  with  the  idee,  and  we  started  for  Jones- 
ville the  next  mornin’.  We  got  there  jest  after  the 
break  of  day,  and  bought  it  of  the  man  to  the  breakfast 
table.  Says  Josiah  to  me  afterwards,  as  we  was 
goin’  down  into  the  village : 

Let’s  keep  dark  about  buyiji’  one,  and  see  how 
many  of  the  creeters  will  be  a besettin’  on  us  to-day.” 

So  we  kep’  still,  and  there  was  half  a dozen  fellers 
follerin’  us  round  all  the  time  a most,  into  stores  and 
groceries  and  the  manty  makers,  and  they  would 
stop  us.  on  the  sidewalk  and  argue  with  us  about 
their  organs  and  pianos.  One  feller,  a tall  slim 
chap,  never  let  Josiah  out  of  his  sight  a minute; 
and  he  follered  him  when  he  went  after  his  horse, 
and  walked  by  the  side  of  the  wagon  clear  down  to 
the  store  where  I was,  a arguin’  all  the  way  about  his 
piano.  Josiah  had  bought  a number  of  things  and 
left  ’em  to  the  store,  and  when  we  got  there,  there 
stood  the  organ  man  by  the  side  of  the  things,  jest 
like  a watch  dog.  He  knew  Josiah  would  come  and 

git  ’em,  and  he  could  git  the  last  word  with  him. 

8* 


202 


VERY  NEIGHBORLY. 


Amon^gst  other  things,  Josiah  had  bought  a barrel 
of  salt,  and  the  piano  feller  that  had  stuck  to  Josiah 
so  tight  that  day,  offered  to  help  him  on  with  it. 
And  the  organ  man — not  goin’  to  be  outdone  by  the 
other — he  offered  too.  Josiah  kinder  winked  to  me, 
and  then  he  held  the  old  mare,  and  let  ’em  lift.  They 
wasn’t  used  to  such  kind  of  work,  and  it  fell  back  on 
’em  once  or  twice,  and  most  squashed  ’em ; but  they 
nipped  to,  and  lifted  again,  and  finally  got  it  on ; but 
they  was  completely  tuckered  out. 

And  then  Josiah  got  in,  and  thanked  ’em  for  the 
liftin’ ; and  the  organ  man,  a wipin’  the  sweat  offen 
his  face — that  had  started  out  in  his  hard  labor — said 
he  should  be  down  to-morrow^  mornin’ ; and  the 
piano  man,  a pantin’  for  breath,  told  Josiah  not  to 
make  up  his  mind  till  he  came ; he  should  be  down 
that  night  if  he  got  rested  enough. 

And  then  Josiah  told  ’em  that  he  should  be  glad 
to  see  ’em  down  a visitin’  any  time,  but  he  had  jest 
bought  a organ. 

I don’t  know  but  what  they  would  have  laid  holt 
of  Josiah,  if  they  hadn’t  been  so  tuckered  out ; but 
as  it  was,  they  was  too  beat  out  to  look  anything 
but  sneakin’ ; and  so  we  drove  off. 

The  manty  maker  had  told  me  that  day,  that  there 
was  two  or  three  new  agents  wdth  new  kinds  of  sewin’ 
machines  jest  come  to  Jonesville,  and  I was  tellin’ 
Josiah  on  it,  when  we  met  a middle-aged  man,  and 
he  looked  at  us  pretty  close,  and  finally  he  asked  us 


X 


THE  SEWIN'  MACHINE  AGENT. 


203 


as  he  passed  by,  if  we  could  tell  him  where  Josiah 
Allen  lived. 

Says  Josiah,  I’m  livin’  at  present  in  a Democrat.” 

Says  I,  In  this  one  horse  wagon,  you  know.” 

Says  he,  ‘^You  are  thinkin’  of  buyin’  a sewin’ 
machine,  haint  you  ? ” 

Says  Josiah,  I am  a turnin’  my  mind  that  way.” 

At  that,  the  man  turned  his  horse  round,  and  fol- 
lered  us,  and  I see  he  had  a sewin’  machine  in  front 
of  his  wagon.  We  had  the  old  mare  and  the  colt, 
and  seein’  a strange  horse  come  up  so  close  behind 
us,  the  colt  started  off  full  run  towards  Jonesville, 
and  then  run  down  a cross-road  and  into  a lot. 

Says  the  man  behind  us,  I am  a little  younger 
than  you  be,  Mr.  Allen  ; if  you  will  hold  my  horse  I 
will  go  after  the  colt  with  pleasure.” 

Josiah  was  glad  enough,  and  so  he  got  into  the 
feller’s  wagon;  but  before  he  started  off,  the  man, 

savs  he : 

«/ 

^^Tou  can  look  at  that  machine  in  front  of  you 
while  I am  gone.  I tell  yon  frankly,  that  there 
haint  another  machine  equal  to  it  in  America;  it 
requires  no  strength  at  all;  infants  can  run  it  for 
days  at  a time  ; or  idiots ; if  anybody  knows  enough  to 
set  and  whistle,  they  can  run  this  machine ; and  it’s 
especially  adapted  to  the  blind — blind  people  can  run 
it  jest  as  well  as  them  that  can  see.  A blind  woman 
last  year,  in  one  day,  made  43  dollars  a makin’  leather 
aprons;  stitched  them  all  round  tlie  age  two  rows. 


204 


ANOTHER  AGENT. 


She  made  two  dozen  of  ’em,  and  then  she  made 
four  dozen  gauze  veils  the  same  day,  without  changin’ 
the  needle.  That  is  one  of  the  beauties  of  the  ma- 
chine, its  goin’  from  leather  to  lace,  and  back  again, 
without  changin’  the  needle.  It  is  so  tryin’  for  wim- 
men,  every  time  they  want  to  go  from  leather,  to 
gauze  and  book  muslin,  to  have  to  change  the  needle ; 
but  you  can  see  for  yourself  that  it  haint  got  its  eq^ual 
in  North  America.” 

He  heerd  the  colt  whinner,  and  Josiah  stood  up  in 
the  wagon,  and  looked  after  it.  So  he  started  off 
down  the  cross  road. 

And  we  sot  there,  feelin’  considerable  like  a pro- 
cession ; Josiah  holdin’  the  stranger’s  horse,  and  I the 
old  mare  ; and  as  M^e  sot  there,  up  driv  another  slick 
lookin’  chap,  and  I bein’  ahead,  he  spoke  to  me,  and 
says  he : 

“Can  you  direct  me,  mom,  to  Josiah  Allen’s 
house  ? ” 

“ It  is  about  a mile  from  here,”  and  I added  in  a 
friendly  tone,  “ Josiah  is  my  husband.” 

“ Is  he  ? ” says  he,  in  a genteel  tone. 

“ Yes,”  says  I,  “ we  have  been  to  Jonesville,  and 
our  colt  run  down  that  cross  road,  and ” 

“ I see,”  says  he  interruptin’  of  me,  “ I see  how  it 
is.”  And  then  he  went  on  in  a lower  tone,  “ If  you 
think  of  buyin’  a sewin’  machine,  don’t  git  one  of 
that  feller  in  the  wagon  behind  you — I know  him 
well ; he  is  one  of  the  most  worthless  shacks  in  the 


AGENTS  CHASING  THE  COLT. 


205 


country,  as  you  can  plainly  see  by  the  looks  of  his 
countenance.  If  I ever  see  a face  in  which  knave 
and  villain  is  wrote  down,  it  is  on  hisen.  Any  one 
with  half  an  eye  can  see  that  he  would  cheat  his 
grandmother  out  of  her  snufi  handkerchief,  if  he  got 
a chance.” 

He  talked  so  fast  that  I couldn’t  git  a chance  to 
put  in  a word  age  ways  for  Josiah. 

^^His  sewin’  machines  are  utterly  worthless;  he 
haini  never  sold  one  yet ; he  cant.  His  character  has 
got  out — folks  know  him.  There  was  a lady  tollin’ 
me  the  other  day  that  her  machine  she  bought  of 
him,  all  fell  to  pieces  in  less  than  twenty-four  hours 
after  she  bought  it ; fell  onto  her  infant,  a sweet  little 
babe,  and  crippled  it  for  life.  I see  your  husband  is 
havin’  a hard  time  of  it  with  that  colt.  I will  jest 
hitch  my  horse  here  to  the  fence,  and  go  down  and 
help  him;  I want  to  have  a little  talk  with  him 
before  he  comes  back  here.”  So  he  started  off  on 
the  run. 

I told  Josiah  what  he  said  about  him,  for  it  mad- 
ded me,  but  Josiah  took  it  cool.  He  seemed  to  love 
to  set  there  and  see  them  two  men  run.  I never  did 
see  a colt  act  as  that  one  did;  they  didn’t  have  time 
to  pass  a word  with  each  other,  to  find  out  their  mis- 
take, it  kep’  ’em  so  on  a keen  run.  They  would  git 
it  headed  towards  us,  and  then  it  would  kick  up  its 
heels,  and  run  into  some  lot,  and  canter  round  in  a 
circle  with  its  head  up  in  the  air,  and  then  bring  up 


THE  THIRD  AGENT. 


206 

short  ag’inst  the  fence ; and  then  they  would  leap 
over  the  fence.  The  first  one  had  white  pantaloons 
on,  but  he  didn’t  mind  ’em ; over  he  would  go,  right 
into  sikuta  or  elderbushes,  and  they  would  wave 
their  hats  at  it,  and  lioller,  and  whistle,  and  bark  like 
dogs,  and  the  colt  would  whinner  and  start  oft*  again 
right  the  wrong  way,  and  them  two  men  would  go  a 
pantin’  after  it.  They  had  been  a runnin’  nigh  onto 
half  an  hour,  when  a good  lookin’  young  feller  come 
along,  and  seein’  me  a settin’  still  and  holdin’  the  old 
mare,  he  up  and  says : 

Are  you  in  any  trouble  that  I can  assist  you  ? ” 
Says  I,  ^^We  are  goin’  home  from  Jonesville, 
Josiah  and  me,  and  our  colt  got  away  and — ” 

But  Josiah  interrupted  me,  and  says  he,  ^‘And 
them  two  fools  a caperin’  after  it,  are  sewin’  machine 
agents.” 

The  good  lookin’  chap  see  all  through  it  in  a min- 
ute, and  he  broke  out  into  a laugh  it  woulcLhave 
done  your  soul  good  to  hear,  it  was  so  clear  and 
hearty,  and  honest.  ^ But  he  didn’t  say  a word ; he 
drove  out  to  go  by  us,  and  we  see  then  that  he  had  a 
sewin’  machine  in  the  buggy. 

Are  you  a agent?”  says  Josiah. 

Yes,”  says  he. 

What  sort  of  a machine  is  this  here  ?”  says  Josiah, 
liftin’  up  the  cloth  from  the  machine  in  front  of  him. 

A pretty  good  one,”  says  the  feller,  lookin’  at 
the  name  on  it. 


THE  SEWIN’  MACHINE  AGENTS 


LEGITIMATE  BUSINESS. 


209 


Is  yours  as  good  ? ’’  says  Josiah. 

‘‘  I think  it  is  better/’  says  he.  And  then  he  start- 
ed up  his  horse. 

Hello  ! stop ! ” says  Josiah. 

The  feller  stopped. 

Why  don’t  you  run  down  other  fellers’  machines, 
and  beset  us  to  buy  yourn  ? ” 

Because  I don’t  make  a practice  of  stoppin’  peo- 
ple on  the  street.” 

Do  you  haunt  folks  day  and  night ; f oiler  ’em 
up  ladders,  through  trap-doors,  down  sutlers,  and 
under  barns?” 

^^No,”  says  the  young  chap,  show  people  how 
my  machine  works;  if  they  want  it,  I sell  it;  and  if 
they  don’t,  I leave.” 

How  much  is  your  machine  ? ” says  Josiah. 

75  dollars.” 

Can’t  you,”  says  Josiah,  because  I look  so  much 
like  your  old  father,  or  because  I am  a Methodist,  or 
because  my  wife’s  mother  used  to  live  neighbor  to 
your  grandmother — let  me  have  it  for  25  dollars?” 

The  feller  got  up  on  his  wagon,  and  turned  his 
machine  round  so  we  could  see  it  plain — it  was  a 
beauty — and  says  he : 

‘‘  You  see  this  machine,  sir ; 1 think  it  is  the  best  one 
made,  although  there  is  no  great  difference  between 
this  and  the  one  over  there;  but  I think  what  differ- 
ence there  is,  is  in  this  one’s  favor.  You  can  have  it 
for  75  dollars  if  you  want  it;  if  not,  I will  drive  on.” 


210 


OUR  TROUBLES  ENDED. 


“How  do  you  like  tlie  looks  on  it,  Samantha?” 

Says  I,  “ It  is  the  kind  I wanted  to  git.” 

Josiah  took  out  his  wallet,  and  counted  out  75 
dollars,  and  says  he : 

¥ 

^^Put  that  machine  into  that  wagon  where  Saman- 
tha is.” 

The  good  lookin’  feller  was  jest  liftin’  of  it  in,  and 
countin’  over  his  money,  when  the  two  fellers  come 
up  with  the  colt.  It  seemed  that  they  had  had  a 
explanation  as  they  was  cornin’  back ; I see  they  had 
as  quick  as  I catched  sight  on  ’em,  for  they  was 
a walkin’  one  on  one  side  of  the  road,  and  the  other 
on  the  other,  most  tight  up  to  the  fence.  They  was 
most  dead  the  colt  had  run  ’em  so,  and  it  did  seem 
as  if  their  faces  couldn’t  look  no  redder  nor  more 
madder  than  they  did  as  we  catched  sight  on  ’em 
and  Josiah  thanked  ’em  for  drivin’  back  the  colt; 
but  when  they  see  that  the  other  feller  had  sold  us  a 
machine,  their  faces  did  look  redder  and  madder. 

But  I didn’t  care  a mite ; we  drove  off  tickled 
enough  that  we  had  got  through  with  our  sufferin’s 
with  agents.  And  the  colt  had  got  so  beat  out  a 
runnin’  and  racin’,  that  he  drove  home  first-rate, 
walkin’  along  by  the  old  mare  as  stiddy  as  a deacon. 


PREPARIN’  FOR  OUR  TOWER. 


IT  was  oil  a fair  and  lovely  inornin’,  though  mid- 
dlin’ cool,  that  I told  my  Josiah  that  if  he  and  I 
was  a goin’  to  see  the  Sentinal  it  was  time  for  us  to 
be  makin’  some  preparations.  Thomas  J.  haint  a 
goin’  till  bimeby.  He  wants  to  go  in  company  with 
Maggy  Snow  and  her  father,  and  I don’t  blame  him  a 
mite — I was  young  once  myself.  The  Squire  is  laid 
up  now  with  rheumatiz,  can’t  step  a step  on  his  left 
foot.  I was  out  on  the  back  stoop,  a shakin’  my 
table  cloth  and  Josiah  was  out  there  a grindin’  his  jack 
knife  on  the  grindstun,  and  T says  to  him,  again  : 
Josiah  Allen  it  is  time  for  us  to  prepare.” 

Says  he,  I thought  mebby  you’d  want  to  give  up 
goin’,  Samantha.” 

1 want  to  give  itp  goin’  ! ” says  I,  in  a almost  me- 
kanical  tone,  but  very  cold. 

‘A"es,”  says  he  in  a sickly  and  almost  foolish  tone. 
T didn’t  know  but  you’d  want  to  wait  till  the  next 
one;  1 didn’t  know  but  you’d  drather.” 

*211 


212 


JOSIAH  BAULKS. 


‘^Drather ! ’’  I repeated  still  more  icily.  I would 
wait  if  I was  in  your  place  Josiali  Allen,  till  we  are 
as  old  as  the  hills ; if  we  was  alive  we’d  be  carried 
there  in  a side  show,  and  you  know  it ; ” and  I folded 
up  my  table  cloth  almost  severely. 

Well,’’  says  he,  try  in’  the  age  of  the  knife  with 
his  fingers,  I don’t  think  /shall  go  anyway.” 

Says  I lavin’  the  table  cloth  over  my  left  arm,  and 


“it  haint  always  best  to  tell  eeasons.” 


foldin’  my  right  and  left  arm,  tryin’  hard  to  keep  some 
composed  (on  the  outside) : 

What  are  your  reasons,  Josiali  Allen  ? ” 

Oh,”  says  he  in  a kind  of  a blind  way — goin’  to 
grindin’  again, — I liave  my  reasons,  but  it  haint 
always  best  to  tell  reasons  to  everybody.” 


CONTRARINESS  OF  MEN. 


213 


And  jest  so  lie  kep’  a griiidiii’  and  a liangin’  back 
and  a actin’.  It  was  a curious  time,  very.  I a standiii’ 
there  erect  and  firm  on  the  stoop,  with  my  table  cloth 
on  my  left  arm  and  earnestness  on  my  eyebrow,  and 
he  half  bent,  a grindin’  away  on  that  old  jack  knife, 
with  obstinacy  on  his  brow,  a tellin’  me  in  a blind 
mysterious  way  that  he  had  his  reasons  and  wouldn’t 
tell  ’em.  Oh ! how^  offish  and  strange  men  will  act. 
Truly,  truly,  doth  the  poet  observe,  that  men  are 
wild,  and  have  their  spells.” 

There  Josiah  Allen  had  acted  to  the  Debatin’-school 
all  up  in  arms  about  goin’.  He  knew  the  nation 
would  expect  me  to  be  present.  He  knew  well  what 
a gloom  it  would  cast  over  the  Sentinal  if  I wasn’t 
there,  a shadder  that  wmuld  spread  (as  you  may  say) 
from  pole  to  pole.  Josiah  Allen  knew  all  about  it;  he 
knew  well  how  I had  lotted  on  makin’  a martyr  of 
myself  in  the  cause  of  Eight  and  IVimmen,  and  here 
he  had  to  baulk  in  the  harness.  Truly,  men  are  as 
contrary  creeters  as  the  earth  affords,  when  they  are 
a mind  to  be.  Every  married  wmman  will  join  with 
me  in  sayin’,  that  there  are  moments  in  married  life, 
when  mules  seem  to  be  patterns  of  yieldin’  sweetness 
and  obligin’ness  compared  with  lawfful  pardners. 

But  here,  in  this  tryin’  moment  was  where  mind 
stepped  in  to  the  relief  of  matter  and  Samantha. 
Some  wimmen  when  they  see  their  pardners  act  so 
strange  and  curious,  would  have  give  up.  Not  so 
Samantha.  Here  was  where  the  deep  and  arduous 


214 


SCIENCE  AND  PHILOSOPHY  WIN. 


study  of  her  life-time  into  the  heights  and  depths  of 
the  manly  mind  soared  up  and  triumphed.  I didn’t 
act  skairt  at  all  by  him,  neither  did  I show  out  that  I 
was  mad — though  I was  inwardly — to  see  him  act  so 
offish  and  obstinate.  No ! I looked  down  on  him  a 
grindin’,  and  a actin’,  with  a almost  marble  calm ; and 
with  a resolution  nearly  cast-iron  I concealed  my 
opinion  of  him  and  kep’  my  tongue  in  my  head,  and 
with  a slow,  even,  and  almost  majestic  tread  I turned 
round  and  went  back  into  the  house,  laid  my  table- 
cloth on  the  buttery  shelf,  and  begun  my  preparations 
to  conquer  and  to  triumph.  At  jest  noon,  I call- 
ed him  into  the  house  to  as  good  a dinner  as  Jonesville 
ever  offered  to  man  or  beast. 

Again  science,  philosophy  and  Samantha  conquered. 
Josiah  had  got  through  with  the  turkey  and  vegeta- 
bles of  all  kinds,  and  there  was  a sweet  smile  on  his 
face  as  I brought  on  the  cherry  puddin’,  and  a tender, 
affectionate  look  to  his  eyes  as  he  looked  up  at  me 
when  I sot  the  bowl  of  sweet  sass  to  eat  on  it  in  front 
of  him.  Then  I knew  the  time  had  come,  the  hour 
was  ripe,  and  1 boldly  and  confidently  tackled  him 
as  to  what  his  reasons  was.  And  without  a struggle 
or  a murmur  he  says  in  gentle  axents : 

Samantha,  my  pantaloons  haint  suitable  to  wear  to 
the  Sentimental,  they  are  all  frayed  out  round  the 
bottoms,  and  you  can  see  your  face  in  the  knees,  they 
are  so  shiny,  they  are  as  good  as  lookin’  glasses.” 

I felt  dretful  well  to  think  I had  come  off  conqueror, 


WAYS  AND  MEANS. 


215 


and  awful  relieved  to  think  my  pardner’s  reasons  was 
them  I could  grapple  with  and  overtlirow.  I see  that 
my  mission  could  be  preformed  about,  my  tower  gone 
off  on.  And  then  my  companion’s  affectionate  mean 
endeared  him  to  me  dretfully  for  the  time  bein’,  and 
take  it  altogether  I felt  so  dretful  eloquent,  I soared 
right  up  in  half  a minute  to  a height  of  happiness  and 
eloquence  that  I hadn’t  sot  on  for  days  and  days, 
and  I broke  right  out  in  a noble  oriterin’  tone,  and 
as  affectionate  as  they  make  : 

Josiah  Allen  that  pure  and  heavenly  blossom  of 
True  Love  never  floated  down  from  Eden  bowers  into 
this  troublesome  world,  without  its  whiteness  makin’ 
the  soul  whiter  that  it  lighted  down  on.  It  never 
warmed  the  heart  with  a breath  of  the  heavenly 
climate  it  was  born  in  without  inspirin’  that  heart 
with  a desire  and  a inspiration  to  help  the  beloved 
object.”  Says  I firmly,  ‘‘  Store  clothes  are  not  a 
goin’ to  part  my  companion  and  hapjdness;”  and  1 
added — in  still  more  lofty  tones  for  I felt  noble  in 
spirit  as  I said  it — ‘‘take  the  last  churnin’ of  butter 
Josiah  Allen,  and  go  to  Jonesville  and  git  the  cloth 
for  a new  pair  of  pantaloons,  and  I will  make  them 
for  you  or  perish  on  the  press  board. 

“ Well,”  says  he  sweetly,  as  he  helped  himself  to 
the  sweet  sass,  “then  we  will  go  to  the  Sentimental.” 

(1  have  give  up  tryin’  to  have  Josiah  call  it  any- 
thing but  Sentimental,  because  I see  plain  after  ar- 
guin’ for  several  weeks  on  it,  that  argument  was 


216 


A NEW  IDEA. 


wasted,  and  breath  spent  in  vain.  He  says  he  has 
spelt  the  word  over  time  and  again,  and  studied  on 
it  a sight,  and  he  knows  it  is  as  near  that  as  anything, 
and  he  will  call  it  Sentimental.) 

Well,  the  very  day  I finished  his  trowsers,  he 
broached  a new  idee  to  me.  We  had  been  a layin’ 
out  to  go  on  the  cars,- but  Josiah  says  to  me,  says  he: 

“ What  do  you  say  Samantha  to  goin’  with  the  old 
mare,  and  kinder  visitin’  along  the  road ; we  have  got 
lots  of  relations  that  live  all  along  the  way,  some  on 
my  side,  and  some  on  yourn.  They’ve  all  visited  us 
time  and  again,  and  we  haint  never  been  nigh  ’em  to 
visit  ’em.  What  do  you  say  Samantha,  to  goin’  in 
our  own  conveniance.” 

“ You  mean  conveyance,”  says  I firmly. 

“Well  I said  so  didn’t  I;  what  do  you  say  to  it, 
Samantha?  ” 

Says  I,  “I  haint  a goin’  in  that  old  buggy  of 
ourn.” 

Says  he,  “ That  buggy  was  high-toned  enough  for 
father,  and  for  grandfather,  and  it  ort  to  be  for  us.” 

Says  I,  “It  is  dangerous  Josiah  Allen  and  you 
know  it.  Have  you  forgot,”  says  I,  “how  sister 
Minkley  went  right  down  through  the  bottom  the 
other  day 'when  you  was  a helpin’  her  in?”  Says  I, 
“ It  skairt  you  Josiah  Allen,  and  you  know  it ; the 
minute  you  leggo  of  her,  to  have  her  go  right  down 
through  the  bottom,  and  set  down  on  the  ex.  It  was 
enough  to  start  anybody.” 


WHAT  THE  NEIGHBORS  SAY. 


217 


Well,  wliat  business  has  a woman  to  weigh  more’n 
a ton?  IVe  mended  it.” 

Says  I,  Truly  in  the  matter  of  heft  Josiah  Allen, 
let  everybody  be  fully  perswaded  in  their  own  mind. 
And  she  don’t  weigh  near  a ton,  she  don’t  weigli 
more’n  three  hundred  and  fifty.” 

The  buggy  was  good  enough  for  father  and  grand- 
father,” he  kep’  a arguin’. 

But,”  says  I in  reasonable  axents,  them  two  old 
men  never  sot  out  on  towers  of  Principle.  They 
never  sot  out  as  Promiscous  Advisors  in  the  cause  of 
Right ; if  they  had,  they  would  have  wanted  to  feel 
free  and  promiscous  in  their  minds.  They  wouldn’t 
have  wanted  to  feel  liable  in  the  loftiest  moments  of 
their  high  mission,  to  break  through  and  come  down 
acrost  a ex.  They  would  have  felt  that  a top  buggy 
was  none  too  high-toned  to  bear  ’em  onwards.” 

Says  he,  It  will  make  talk,  Samantha.  The 
neighbors  will  think  we  are  too  loose-principled,  and 
hauty.” 

Says  I,  The  neighbors  say  now  we  are  too  tight 
to  git  a new  one.  I had  jest  as  lives  be  called  too 
loose,  as  too  tight.  And  you  know,” — says  I in  reason- 
able tones,  ^^you  know  Josiah  Allen,  that  we  have 
got  to  be  called  sun  thin’  by  ’em,  anyway.  We  have 
got  money  out  at  interest,  and  we  are  goin’  down  the 
hill  of  life,  and  if  we  can  go  down  any  easier  in  a top 
buggy,  I don’t  see  why  we  shouldn’t  have  it  to  go  in.” 

So  finally  after  considerable  urgin’,  I got  Josiah 


218 


THE  COVERED  BUGGY. 


headed  towards  Jonesville  after  a top  buggy.  And  I 
and  the  Widder  Doodle  kep’  watch  to  the  winder 
all  day,  expectin’  to  see  the  new  buggy  a cornin’  home 
with  Josiah ; but  he  come  back  at  night  empty-handed 
but  all  workedjip  with  another  new  idee,  and  says  he  : 

What  do  you  say  Samantha  to  buyin’  a phantom, 
— a pony  phantom.  The  man  says  they  are  easier 
ridin’,  easier  to  get  into,  and  he  thought  you  would 
like  it  better  than  a top  buggy.  And  he  said  they 
was  all  the  fashion  too.” 

But  I answered  him  calmly.  Fashion,  or  no 
fashion,  I shant  ride  no  ])}iantom  Josiah  Allen.  I 
shant  go  to  the  Sentinal  on  my  lofty  mission,  a 
ridin’  a phantom.  Though,”  says  I more  mildly, 
phantoms  may  be  willin’  critters  to  go,  and  easy 
ridin’,  but  I don’t  seem  to  have  no  drawin’  towards 
’em.  A top  buggy  is  my  theme.” 

So  I held  firm,  and  finally  Josiah  bought  one.  It 
was  a second-handed  one,  and  fair  lookin’,  big  and 
roomy.  In  shape  it  wasn’t  the  height  of  fashion, 
bein’  kind  o’  bowin’  up  at  the  back,  and  sort  o’  spread 
out  like  in  front ; a curious  shape.  I never  see  none 
exactly  like  it,  before  nor  sense.  They  said  the  man 
that  built  it,  made  up  the  pattern  in  his  own  head, 
and  there  hadn’t  nobody  ever  follered  it.  He  died  a 
few  weeks  after  he  made  it;  Thomas  Jefferson  said 
he  guessed  it  killed  him,  the  shape  was  so  curious  that 
it  skairt  the  man  to  death.  But  it  wasn’t  no  such 
thing ; he  had  the  billerous  colic. 


A THING  TO  WORSHIP. 


219 


Josiah  was  so  perfectly  delighted  with  it  that  he 
would  go  out  to  the  barn  and  look  at  it  for  hours, 
and  I was  most  afraid  he  was  settin’  his  heart  too 
much  on  it;  and  I told  Thomas  Jefferson  so,  but  he 
told  me  not  to  worry;  says  he,  *^it  wouldn’t  be  a 
mite  wicked  for  father  to  worship  it.” 

Says  I,  Thomas  Jefferson  do  you  realize  what 
you  are  a talkin’  about  ? ” says  I,  ‘Mt  scares  me  to  hear 
you  talk  so  wicked  when  I brought  you  up  in  such  a 
Bible  way.” 

Says  he,  There  is  where  I got  it,  mother.  I got 
it  out  of  the  Bible;  you  know  it  says  you  shall  not 
worship  anything  that  is  in  the  shape  of  anything  on 
earth,  or  in  the  heavens,  or  in  the  waters  under  the 
earth.  And  that  is  why  it  would  be  perfectly  safe 
for  father  to  w^orship  the  buggy.” 

I see  through  it  in  a minute;  though  I never 
should  have  thought  on  it  myself.  What  a mind 
that  boy  has  got ; he  grows  deep  every  day. 

Josiah  said  he  couldn’t  leave  the  colt  to  home,  as 
the  old  mare  would  be  liable  to  turn  right  round  in 
the  road  with  us  any  time,  and  start  back  for  home ; 
but  I told  him  that  when  anybody  sot  off  on  a tower 
as  a martyr  and  a Promiscous  Advisor,  a few  colts 
more  or  less  wasn’t  a goin’  to  overthrow  ’em  and 
their  principles.  Says  I,  we  will  hitch  the  colt  to 
the  old  mare,  Josiah  Allen,  and  march  onwards 
nobly  in  the  cause  of  Bight. 

But  still  there  was  a kind  of  a straggler  of  a 
9 


OUR  RELATIONS. 


220 

thought  haiigiii’  round  the  age  of  my  mind,  to  worry 
me  a very  little;  and  I says  to  my  Josiah  dreamily: 

wonder  if  they’ll  be  glad  to  see  us.  Anything 
but  bringin’  trouble  onto  folks,  because  tliey  are 
unfortunate  enough  to  be  born  cousins  to  you,  unbe- 
known to  them.” 

‘•But,”  says  Josiah,  “we  owe  a visit  to  every  one 
on  ’em,  and  some  on  ’em  two  or  three.” 

And  so  we  did.  They  had  all  of  ’em  visited  us 
years  ago,  more  or  less  on  ’em  out  of  every  family. 
There  was  Zebulin  Coffin’ses  wife  and  four  of  his 
boys  ; Philander  Spicer’ses  wife  and  Philander — they 
all  made  us  long  visits;  and  Serepta  Simmons — she 
that  was  Serepta  Smith — made  it  her  home  with  mother 
and  me  for  years  before  she  was  married — we  helped 
to  bring  her  up  on  a bottle.  And  then  there  was 
Delila,  Melankton  Spicer’ses  wife  had  visited  us  with 
Philander’ses  folks  when  they  was  first  married ; she 
was  Phi  lander’s  wife’s  sister.  We  had  promised  to 
pay  their  visits  back,  and  laid  out  to,  but  it  hadn’t 
seemed  to  come  right,  somehow.  But  now,  every- 
thing seemed  to  promise  fair  for  a first-rate  time  for 
us  and  them.  We  would  be  journeyin’  onwards 
towards  the  Sentinal,  and  the  cause  of  Eight.  Our 
clothes  (now  Josiah  had  got  some  new  pantaloons 
and  I a new  dress)  would  look  well,  and  almost 
foamin’.  We  had  a beautiful  top  buggy,  and  take  it 
altogether,  it  did  truly  seem  almost  as  Josiah  said, 
that  we  was  havin’  our  good  things  all  on  earth. 


“WHAT  SHALL  WE  DO  WITH  THE  WIDDER?"  221 


But  anon,  or  a very  little  after,  a new  question  come 
up;  what  should  we  do  with  the  Widder  Doodle; 
she  didn’t  want  to  go,  and  she  didn’t  want  to  stay. 
And  so,  what  should  we  do  with  her  to  do  right  ? 

I am  sot  on  doin’  by  the  Widder  as  I would  wish 
to  be  done  by  if  I should  come  onto  the  town  and 
have  to  be  took  in  and  done  for;  and  so  day  and 
night  this  deep  and  wearin’  thought  kep’  a hauntin’ 
me — though  I tried  to  keep  cool  on  the  outside — she 
don’t  want  to  go,  and  she  don’t  want  to  stay;  and  so 
what  shall  I do  with  the  Widder  Doodle?  ” 


i-v 


1^" 


I , 


'fc 


THE  WIDDER  AND  WIDOWER. 


SOLOMON  CYPHER  is  a widower  ! Yes,  he  has 
lost  his  wife  with  the  tyfus;  she  was  a likely 
woman,  had  a swelled  neck,  but  that  wasn’t  nothin’ 
ag’inst  her;  I never  laid  it  up  ag’inst  her  for  a 
minute.  I told  Thomas  J.  when  he  brought  me  the 
news,  that  I wished  he  and  I was  as  likely  a woman 
as  she  was,  and  says  I still  more  warmly,  if  the 
hull  world  was  as  likel;^  a woman  as  she  was,  there 
wouldn’t  be  so  much  cuttin’  up,  and  actin’  as  there  is 
now.”  And  says  I,  Thomas  J.,  it  stands  us  in  hand 
to  be  prepared.” 

But  somehow  it  is  awful  hard  to  git  that  boy  to 
take  a realizin’  sense  of  things;  his  morals  are  dret- 
ful  sound,  but  a good  deal  of  the  time  he  is  light 
and  triflin’  in  his  demeanor  and  his  talk;  and  his 
mind  don’t  seem  to  be  so  stabled  as  I could  wish 
it  to  be. 

Now  I don’t  s’pose  there  would  anybody  believe 

me,  but  the  very  next  day  but  one  after  Nancy 

222 


ANOTHER  MAN,  OH ! 


223 


Cypher’ses  death,  that  boy  begun  to  laugh  at  his  aunt 
Doodle  about  the  relict.  I told  him  I never  see 
anything  in  my  hull  life  so  wicked  and  awful,  and  I 
asked  him  where  he  s’posed  he’d  go  to. 

He  was  fixin’  on  a paper  collar  to  the  lookin’  glass, 
and  he  says  in  a kind  of  a chirk  way,  and  in  a fine 
polite  tone : I s’pose  I shall  go  to  the  weddin’.” 

Good  land  ! you  might  jest  as  well  exhort  the  wind 
to  stop  blowin’  when  it  is  out  on  a regular  spree,  as 
to  stop  him  when  he  gits  to  behavin’.  But  I guess 
he  got  the  worst  of  it  this  time,  I guess  his  aiint 
Doodle  skairt  him — she  took  on  so  when  he  sejested 
the  idee  of  her  marryin’  to  another  man. 

She  bust  right  out  cryin’,  took  out  her  snuff  hand- 
kerchief, and  rubbed  her  eyes  with  both  hands,  her 
elbo’s  standin’  out  most  straight;  she  took  it  awful. 

Oh  Doodle ! Doodle  ! ” says  she,  what  if  you 
had  lived  to  hear  your  relict  laughed  at  about 
marryin’  to  another  man.  What  agony  it  would 
have  brung  to  your  dear  lineinent ; I can’t  bear  it, 
I can’t.  Oh ! when  I think  how  he  worshipped  the 
ground  I walked  on  ; and  the  neighbors  said  he  did ; 
they  said  he  thought  more  of  the  ground  than  he  did 
of  me  ; but  he  didn’t,  he  worshipped  us  both.  And 
what  would  his  feelin’s  be  if  he’d  lived  to  see  his 
Widder  laughed  at  about  another  man.” 

She  sobbed  like  a infant  babe;  and  I come  to  the 
buttery  door  with  my  nutmeg  grater  in  my  hand, 
and  winked  at  Thomas  Jefferson  two  or  three  times. 


224 


“HOW  COULD  I THINK  OF  IT?^’ 


not  to  say  another  word  to  hurt  her  feelin’s.  They 
was  real  firm  and  severe  winks  and  he  knew  I meant 
’em,  and  he  took  up  one  of  his  law  books  and  went  to 
read  in’,  and  I went  back  to  niakin’  my  fruit  cake  and 
cherry  pies.  But  I kep’  one  eye  out  at  her,  not 
knowin’  what  trouble  of  mind  would  lead  her  into : 
she  kep’  her  snuff  handkerchief  over  her  eyes  and 
groaned  bad  for  nearly  nine  moments  I should  judge, 
and  then  she  spoke  out  from  under  it : 

Do  you  think  Solomon  Cypher  is  good  lookin’ 
Tommy?” 

Oh ! from  fair  to  middlin’,”  says  Thomas  J. 

And  then  she  bust  out  again  : Oh  what  a lin- 
enient  my  Doodle  had  on  him  ; how  can  I think  of 
an  y other  man.  I can’t ! I can’t ! ” And  she  groaned 
the  hardest  she  had  yet.  And  I come  to  the  but- 
tery door  again,  and  shook  my  head  and  winked  at 
Thomas  Jefferson  again,  severer  and  more  reprovin' 
winks  than  they  was  beforeh  and  more  of ’em  ; and 
he,  feelin’  sorry  1 guess  for  what  he  had  done,  got 
up  and  said  he  guessed  he’d  go  out  to  the  barn,  and 
help  his  father.  Josiah  was  puttin’  some  new  stan- 
cliils  in  the  stable. 

• Thomas  J.  hadn’t  much  more’n  got  to  the  barn, 
and  I had  finished  my  cake,  and  had  jest  got  my 
hands  into  the  pie  crust  a mixin’  it  up,  wdien  there 
come  a knock  to  the  door,  and  my  hands  bein’  in  the 
dough,  the  Widder  stopped  groanin’  for  the  time  bein’, 
and  opened  it.  It  was  Solomon  Cypher  himself  come 


A MOURNER’S  VISIT. 


225 


to  bony  my  bonibazeen  dress  and  crape  veil  for  some 
of  the  mourners.  Bein’  engaged  and  busy,  I thought 
I wouldn’t  go  out  till  I had  finished  my  pies;  he  and 
the  Widder  bein’  some  acquainted.  He  hadn’t  sot 
but  a few  minutes  when  he  spoke  up,  and  says  he : 

‘^This  is  a dretful  blow  to  me,  Widder;”  and  he 
hit  himself  a knock  in  the  stomach  so  you  could 
hear  it  all  over  the  house — for  he  has  got  so  used  to 
public  life  and  its  duties,  that  he  makes  gestures  right 
'^long  every  daj",  good  enough  for  anybody,  and  this 
was ; it  v/ould  have  knocked  anybody  down  that 
wasn’t  in  the  practice. 

A hard  blow,”  says  he  peltin’  himself  again  right 
in  his  breast. 

Yes,”  says  sister  Doodle,  puttin’  her  snuflf  hand- 
kerchief to  her  eyes.  I can  feel  to  sympathize  with 
you,  I know  what  feelin’s  I felt  when  I lost  Doodle.” 

Not  a word  does  she  say  about  brother  Timothy, 
but  I hold  firm  and  so  does  Josiah ; we  do  well  by 
the  Widder. 

Says  he,  I believe  you  never  see  the  corpse.” 

^^No,”  says  she,  but  I have  heerd  her  well  spoke 
of ; sister  Samantha  was  a sayin’  jest  before  you  come 
in,  that  she  was  a likely  woman.” 

^^She  was  I”  says  he  a smitin’  himself  hard,  she 
v/as ; my  heart  strings  was  completely  wrapped  round 
that  woman ; not  a pair  of  ^>antaloons  have  I hired 
made  senre  we  was  both  on  uf  married  to  each  other; 
nor  a vest.  I tell  you  it  is  hard  to  give  her  up  Widder ; 


226 


A VALUABLE  WIFE. 


dretful  hard;  she  was  healthy,  savin’,  equinomical, 
hard  workin’,  pious ; I never  realized  how  much  I 
loved  that  woman  ; ” says  he  in  a heart  broken  tone, 
‘‘  I never  did  till  I sec  I mast  give  her  up  and  hire  a 
girl  at  2 dollars  a week ; and  they  waste  more’n  their 
necks  are  worth.”  Here  he  stopped  a minute  and 


“l  LOVED  THAT  WOMAN.” 


sithed,  and  she  sitlied,  so  loud  that  I could  hear  ’em 
plain  into  the  buttery ; and  then  he  went  on  in  still 
more  melancholly  and  despairin’  tones. 

“ I tell  you  I have  seen  trouble  for  the  last  month 
Widder.  It’s  only  four  weeks  ago  yesterday,  that  I 
lost  the  best  cow  I had,  and  now  my  wife  is  dead  ; I 
tell  you  it  cuts  me  right  down  Widder,  it  makes  me 
feel  dretful  poor.” 


CONSIDERABLY  CHIRKED  UP. 


227 


I could  tell  by  liis  voice  that  he  was  jest  ready  to 
bust  out  cryin’ ; Solomon  takes  her  death  hard,  dret- 
ful.  Here  they  both  sithed  again  so  powerful  that 
they  seemed  more  like  groans  than  common  sithes ; 
and  then  he  continued  on : 

^^It  seems  Widder  as  if  my  heart  will  bust,’’  and  I 
could  see  as  I went  acrost  the  buttery  for  the  rollin’ 
pin,  that  he  had  laid  his  left  hand  over  his  heart,  as 
if  he  was  holdin’  it  inside  of  his  vest  by  main  strength  ; 

it  seems  as  if  it  must  bust,  it  is  so  full  of  tender 
memories  for  that  woman.  When  I think  how  she 
would  git  up  and  build  tires  in  the  winter — ” 

That  is  jest  what  I love  to  do,”  says  sister 
Doodle,  always  built  fires  for  my  Doodle.” 

Did  you  Widder  ? ” says  he,  and  his  tone  seemed 
to  be  some  chirker  than  it  was.  wish  you  had 
been  acquainted  with  the  corpse,  I believe  you  would 
have  loved  each  other  like  sisters.” 

Sister  Doodle  took  her  snuff*  handkerchief  down 
from  her  face  and  says  she  in  a more  cheerful  tone : 

You  must  chirk  up,  Mr.  Cypher;  you  must  look 
forred  to  happier  days.” 

^^Tes,”  says  he,  know  there  is  another  spear, 
and  I try  to  keep  it  in  view,  and  hang  my  hopes  upon 
it;  a spear  where  hired  girls  are  unknown,  and 
partin’s  are  no  more.” 

“ I can’t  bear  hired  girls,”  says  sister  Doodle.  I 
wouldn’t  have  one  round  when  I was  a keepin’  house.” 

^‘Can’t  you  bear  hired  girls  ? ” says  Solomon.  ‘‘  You 
9* 


228 


FELT  BETTER  AND  BETTER. 


make  me  feel  better,  Widder,  than  I did  feel  when  I 
come  in  here ! You  chirk  me  up  Widder  ! I believe 
you  look  like  the  corpse ; you  look  out  of  your  eyes 
as  she  looked  out  of  hern.  Oh  what  a woman  that 
was ; she  knew  her  place  so  well ; you  couldn’t  have 
hired  her  to  vote  ; she  said  she’d  drather  dig  potatoes 
any  time — she  was  as  good  as  a man  at  that,  when  I’d 
git  kinder  belated  with  my  work  ; she’d  dig  as  fast  as 
I could  any  day.” 

I love  to  dig  potatoes,”  says  the  Widder. 

I do  feel  better,”  says  Solomon.  I know  I don’t 
feel  nigh  so  cast  down  as  I did.” 

‘‘  And  no  money  wouldn’t  hire  me  to  vote.”  - 

You  do  look  like  her,”  says  he  bustin’  out  in  a 
real  convinced  tone,  I hnow  you  do ; I can  see  it 
plainer  and  plainer.  You  make  me  think  on  her.” 

Well,”  says  she  ^^then  you  must  think  on  me  all 
you  can.  Think  on  me  anytime  it’s  agreeable  to  5^011 ; 
it  don’t  make  no  difference  when ; any  time,  day  or 
night ; don’t  be  delicate  about  it  at  all.  I’ll  be  glad 
if  I can  chirk  you  up  that  way,  or  any  other.’’ 

You  have  ; you  have  chirked  me  up  Widder ; I feel 
better  than  I did  when  I come  in  here.” 

^^Well  then  you  must  come  real  often  and  be 
chirked  up.  I haint  nothin’  to  do  hardly,  and  I may 
jest  as  well  be  a chirkin’  you  up  as  not,  and  better.” 

“ I will  come,”  says  he. 

^ Well,  so  do;  come  Sunday  nights  or  an}^  time 
wlien  it  is  the  handiest  to  you.” 


THE  WIDDER'S  KIND  INVITATION. 


229 


“ I will,  Widder,  I will ; ” says  lie. 

I can’t  say  but  wbat  my  mind  put  out  this  deep 
question  to  myself  as  I stood  there  a bearin’  sister 
Doodle  go  on  ; 

Samantha,  ort  times  ort  is  how  many  ? ” And 
though  I answered  back  to  myself  calmly  and  firmly, 
^^ort;”  still,  thinks’es  I to  myself,  she  is  a clever 
critter,  and  what  little  sense  she  has  got  runs  to  good- 
ness—and  that  is  more  than  you  can  say  of  some 
folks’es  sense — some  folks’es  runs  to  meanness  every 
mite  of  it ; I went  out  and  got  my  dress  and  veil.  I 
felt  sorry  for  Solomon,  very ; and  as  I handed  ’em  to 
him,  I says,  tryin’  to  comfort  him : 

She  was  a likely  woman,  and  I.haint  a doubt  but 
what  she  is  better  off  now.” 

But  he  didn’t  seem  to  like  it,  though  I spoke  with 
such  good  motives.  He  spoke  up  real  crank : 

. don’t  know  about  that;  I don’t  know  about  her 
bein’  better  off,  I did  well  by  her.” 

1 lieerd  my  pies  a sozzlin  over  in  the  oven  bottom, 
and  I hastened  to  their  rescue,  and  Solomon  started 
off.  The  Widder,  that  clever  critter,  went  to  the  door, 
and  as  he  went  down  the  door  step,  I didn’t  hear  jest 
what  she  said  to  him. — bein’  a turnin’  my  pies  at  the 
time — but  I heerd  his  answer ; it  was  this  ; 

‘‘  I feel  better  than  I did  feel.” 

I thought  considerable  that  afternoon  (to  myself) 
what  clever  streaks  the  Widder  Doodle  did  have  in 
her,  (considerin’  her  sense)  when  all  of  a sudden  she 


230 


THK  WIDDER'S  DECISION. 


give  me  another  sample  of  it.  We  got  to  talkin’  about 
the  Sentinal  and  though  my  demeanor  was  calm,  and 
my  mean  considerable  cool,  the  old  question  would 
come  up  in  my  mind : What  shall  I do  with  the 

AVidder  Doodle;  what  can  I do  with  a Widder  that 
don’t  want  to  go,  and  don’t  want  to  stay  ?” 

The  question  was  a gearin’  me  (inwardly)  the  very 
minute  when  she  spoke  up,  and  says  to  me  that 
she  would  stay  to  home  and  keep  house  for  me ; she 
wanted  to. 

But  says  I,  ‘‘  I hate  to  have  you  stay  here  sister 
Doodle;  I am  afraid  you’ll  git  lonesome;  you  haint 
seemed  to  think  you  could,  and  I hate  to  put  it  on 
you.  You  know  Thomas  J.  will  be  to  Jonesvillo 
more’n  half  his  time,  and  our  tower  will  be  a long 
one.”  Says  I,  ^Wisitin’,  as  we  shall  all  along  the  way 
to  the  Sentinal,  it  will  be  the  longest  tower  ever  gone 
olF  on  by  us  ; and  I am  afraid  you’ll  be  lonesome, 
sister  Doodle ; I am  awful  ’fraid  you  will.”  Says  she  : 

Sister  Samantha  I want  to  be  lonesome  if  it  is  a 
goin’  to  be  any  accomodation  to  you ; it  will  be  a real 
treat  to  me  to  be  lonesome.  I never  seemed  to  feel 
so  willin’  to  be  lonesome  in  my  hull  life  before.” 

And  as  she  wouldn’t  take  no  for  an  answer,  it  was 
settled  that  she  should  stay  and  keep  house.  A 
cleverer  critter  (considerin’  her  sense)  never  walked 
tlie  earth  than  sister  Doodle,  and  so  I told  Josiah. 


HOW  SEREPTA  CARRIED  THE  MEETIN’ 

HOUSE. 


’VTEYER  did  the  year  let  a lovlier  day  slip  offen 
his  string  (containin’  jest  365)  than  the  day  my 
pardner  and  me  set  off  on  our  tower.  Never  did  a 
brighter  light  rest  upon  a more  peaceful  realm  and  a 
serener  wave,  than  that  mornin’  sun  a shinin’  down 
on  our  door-yard,  and  the  crystal  waters  of  the  canal. 
Sweeter  winds  never  blew  out  of  the  west,  than  the 
fresh  mornin’  breeze  that  sort  o’  hung  round  our  bed- 
room winder  where  we  was  a fixin’,  and  gently 
waved  the  table-cloth,  as  Sister  Doodle  shook  it  offen 
the  back  steps.  And  never,  sense  the  Widder  had 
been  took  in  and  done  for  by  us,  had  she  been  in  such 
spirits.  We  had  hired  Betsey  Slimpsey  hnee  Bobbet 
to  do  all  the  heaviest  of  the  work,  and  the  Widder 
seemed  glad  and  light  of  heart.  For  though  the  fried 
ham  which  we  had  for  breakfast,  and  the  salt-suller, 
and  the  sugar-bowl,  had  all  put  her  in  mind  of 
Doodle — and  though  remineBsinces  was  brought  up. 


231 


232 


THE  OUTFIT. 


and  particulars  was  abroad,  still  she  didn’t  weep  a 
tear,  but  seemed  to  think  of  him  and  life  with  peace 
and  resignation. 

When  I got  all  ready  to  start,  I looked  well,  and 
felt  well.  I had  bought  a bran  new  dress  expressly 
for  the  occasion,  a sort  of  a Quaker  brown,  or  lead 
color.  It  was  cotton  and  worsted,  I don’t  know  really 
what  they  do  call  it,  but  it  was  handsome,  and  very 
nice.  It  cost  18  pence  per  yard.  It  was  made  very 
fashionable ; had  a overskirt,  and  a cape  all  trimmed 
round  the  edge  with  a narrow  strip  of  the  same  cut 
on  the  bias.  Settin’  out  as  I did  as  a martyr,  I sot 
my  foot  down  firmly  on  ruffles  and  puckers.  But 
this  straight  and  narrow  strip  cut  crossways  of  the 
cloth  and  sot  on  plain,  suited  both  my  eyes  and  my 
principles.  It  was  stitched  on  with  my  new  sewin’ 
machine.  Almira  Hagidone  come  to  the  house  and 
made  it  for  me — took  her  pay  in  white  beans. 

The  cape  looked  noble  when  it  was  finished,  and  I 
knew  it  would.  I would  have  it  cut  to  suit  me.  It 
didn’t  look  flighty  and  frivolous,  but  it  had  a sort  of 
a soarin’,  deep  look  to  it.  It  rounded  up  in  the  back, 
and  had  long,  noble  tabs  in  front.  Almira  said  tabs 
had  gone  out,  and  argued  warm  ag’inst  ’em,  but  I told 
her  I seemed  to  have  a drawin’  towards  ’em,  and  fin- 
ally I come  right  out  and  told  her  firmly ; says  I,  tabs 
I win  have.”  So  she  give  in  and  cut  it  tab  fashion. 

I had  another  argument  about  my  bunnet — I had 


GRATIFYINa  ONE’S  TASTE. 


233 


my  brown  silk  one  done  over.  I had  a frame  made 
to  order,  for  I was  determined  to  have  a bunnet  that 
shaded  my  face  some.  I told  the  millener  plainly  that 
one  of  my  night-caps — cut  sheep’s-head  fashion— was 
far  better  to  the  head  as  a protector,  than  bunnets 
as  wore  by  wimmen ; so  I give  my  orders,  and  stood 
by  her  till  the  frame  was  done ; and  it  looked  well. 
It  was  a beautiful  shape  behind,  and  had  a noble, 
roomy  look  to  it  in  front.  And  when  I put  it  on, 
and  my  green  veil  was  tied  round  it,  and  hung  in 
long,  graceful  folds  down  on  one  side  of  it,  it  suited 
me  to  a T.  I trimmed  off  the  edges  of  my  veil  where  it 
was  frayed  out,  and  hemmed  it  over,  and  run  in  a new 
lutestring-ribbin  string,  and  it  looked  as  good  as  new. 
Havin’  a cape  like  my  dress,  I didn’t  lay  out  to  wear 
anything  else  round  me  on  my  tower,  but  I took  my 
black  silk  mantilla  along  in  case  of  need. 

There  was  enough  left  of  my  dress  to  make  a new 
sheath  for  my  umberell,  and  though  some  of  the  neigh- 
bors thought  and  said,  (it  came  right  straight  back  to 
me)  that  it  was  awful  extravagant  in  me,  1 launched 
out  and  made  it,  and  wasn’t  sorry  I did.  I am  very 
tasty  naturally,  and  love  to  see  things  correspond.  I 
also  bought  me  a new  pair  of  cotton  gloves — most  the 
color  of  my  dress,  only  a little  darker  so’s  not  to  show 
dirt — at  an  outlay  of  2Y  and  a ^ cents. 

Josiah  was  dressed  up  as  slick  as  I was,  and  looked 
more  trimmed  off,  and  fancy,  for  he  would  wear  that 


234 


THE  FIRST  DAY’S  JOURNEY. 


red,  white,  and  blue,  neck-tie,  though  upheld  by  duty, 
1 says  to  him  : 

‘‘  Josiah  Allen ; bald  heads,  and  red  and  blue  neck- 
ties don’t  correspond  worth  a cent ; it  is  too  dressy 
for  you,  Josiah  Allen.” 

I meant  well,  but  as  it  is  too  often  the  case  in 
this  world — as  all  true  Reformers  know — my  motives 
wasn’t  took  as  they  was  meant.  And  he  says  in  a 
complainin’  tone : 

You  haint  willin’  I should  look  dressy,  Samantha, 
and  you  never  was — that  is  the  dumb  of  it.” 

Says  I firmly,  Stop  swearin’  at  once,  and  instantly, 
Josiah  Allen.”  And  then  as  I see  he  was  so  awful  sot 
on  it,  I said  no  more,  and  we  started  oflf  in  2 excellent 
spirits — Josiah’s  spirits  and  mine. 

It  was  one  good  day’s  journey  to  Miss  Elder  Sim- 
mons’es,  she  that  was  Serepta  Smith,  and  the  top 
buggy  assisted  by  the  old  mare  bore  us  on  nobly. 
The  colt’s  demeanor  was  like  a horse’s  for  morality 
and  sobriety,  and  as  the  shades  of  night  was  a de- 
scendin’ down,  we  drew  near  the  place  where  we 
wanted  to  be.  They  lived  about  a quarter  of  a mile 
from  the  village  of  Shackville,  and  as  we  drew  near 
the  dwellin’ — a smallish  kind  of  a house,  but  comfort- 
able lookin’ — we  see  considerable  of  a procession  a 
settin’  towards  the  house. 

And  says  I to  my  companion,  I am  afraid  there  is 
trouble  ahead,  Josiah.” 


ELDER  SIMMONS’ES  HOUSE. 


235 


He  said  he  guessed  not ; he  had  heard  there  was  a 
convention  at  Elder  Simmons’es  church  in  Shackville, 
and  he  guessed  these  was  delegates,  a goin’  to  the 

minister’s  to  stay. 
Says  he,  You 
know  they  can 
lodge  there  with- 
0 u t payin’  for 
their  lodge.” 

And  come  to 
look  at  ’em  again 
they  was  peace- 
able lookin’  men, 
and  most  all  of 
’em  had  a satch- 
el-bag in  their 
hands.  But  how 
all  of  ’em  was  a 
goiii’  to  stay  all 
night  in  that 
house,  was  one  of 

AN  UNSOLVED  MYSTERY.  myStOrioS  tO 

me,  unless  they  had  poles  for  ’em  to  roost  on,  or  hung 
’em  up  over  nails  on  the  wall,  such  a sight  on  ’em. 

And  I spoke  up  to  Josiah,  and  says  I,  Our  room 
will  be  better  than  our  company  here,  Josiah  Allen  ; 
less  go  back  to  Shackville  and  stay  all  night.” 

^^Wall,”  says  he,  ^^bime-by ; we’ll  go  in  and  tell 
Serepta  we’ve  come.” 


236 


AUNT  SAMANTHA^S  NIECE. 


Says  I5  I guess  it  wont  be  much  of  a treat  to  her 
to  tell  her  anybody  else  has  come,  if  she  has  got  to 
take  care  of  this  drove  of  men,”  says  I,  less  go  back 
to  Shackville,  and  stay  to  the  tarven.” 

‘^Wall,”  says  he,  ‘‘bime-by;  but  we’ll  go  in  and 
tell  Serepta  we’ve  come.” 

I argued  with  him  that  it  wouldn’t  be  no  treat  to 
Serepta;  but  howsumever,  she  was  awful  tickled  to 
see  us — she  always  did  think  a sight  of  her  Aunt 
Samantha.  I s’pose  one  thing  was,  because  I helped 
to  bring  her  up  on  a bottle.  Her  father  and  mother 
both  dyin’  and  leavin’  her  an  orphan  on  both  sides, 
she  was  brought  up  by  the  Smith  family,  on  a bottle. 
Mother  and  I brought  her  part  way  up,  and  then 
other  Smitlis  would  take  her  and  bring  her  up  a spell. 
And  so  we  kep’  on  till  she  was  brought  up. 

We  sent  her  off  to  school,  and  done  well  by  her, 
and  she  lived  with  mother  and  me  two  years  right 
along  jest  before  she  was  married.  She  was  married 
to  our  house,  and  was  as  pretty  as  a doll.  She  was 
a little  mite  of  a thing,  but  plump  and  round  as  a 
banty  pullet.  She  had  a fresh,  rosy  face,  and  big 
blue  eyes  that  had  a sort  of  a timid  scareful  look  to 
’em.  She  was  a gentle  babyish  sort  of  a girl,  but  a 
master  hand  to  do  jest  what  she  thought  was  her 
duty ; and  though  she  knew  enough,  anybody  could 
make  her  think  the  moon  was  made  of  green  sage 
cheese,  she  was  that  yieldin’,  and  easy  influenced,  and 


A HUMAN  BLOSSOM 


237 


innocent-hearted.  I thought  a sight  on  her,  and  I 
said  so  to  Elder  Simmons  the  day  they  was  married. 


SEREPTA  SMITH. 


He  was  a good  man,  but  dretful  deep  learnt,  and  ab- 
sent-minded. He  says  to  me,  says  he: 

She  is  jest  as  sweet  as  an  apple  blossom.’’ 

His  eyes  was  sot  kind  o’  dreamily  on  the  apple 
trees  out  in  the  orchard  which  was  in  full  blow. 


238 


ELDER  SIMMONS. 


Yes/’  says  I,  ‘‘and  jest  as  fraguile  and  tender;” 
says  I,  ‘Hhe  sweetest  posys  are  the  easiest  nipped  by 
the  frost/’  says  I,  “ nothin’  looks  more  pitiful  than  a 
pink  posy  after  the  frosts  have  got  holt  of  it/’  says  I, 
‘Mceep  the  frosts  of  unkindness,  and  neglect,  and 
hard  usage  from  our  little  apple  blow  that  you  have* 
picked  to-day  and  are  a wearin’  off  on  your  heart,  and 
may  God  bless  you  Brother  Simmons,”  says  I.  (He 
was  of  the  Methodist  persM^asion.) 

There  wasn’t  hardly  a dry  eye  in  my  head,  as  I 
said  this,  nor  in  hisen.  I thought  a sight  on  her,  and 
so  did  he.  He  thought  enough  on  her  I always  said. 
But  he  was  dretful  absent-minded,  and  deep  learnt. 
They  stopped  with  us  a week  or  two  after  they  was 
married,  and  I hadn’t  laid  eyes  on  ’em  sense,  though 
I had  heerd  from  ’em  a number  of  times  by  letter; 
and  then  Uncle  Eliphalet  Smith  had  visited  ’em,  and 
he  said  she  had  to  work  awful  hard,  and  the  Elder  was 
so  absent-minded  that  it  took  a sight  of  her  time  to  get 
him  headed  right.  He’d  go  down  suller  lots  of  times, 
and  bring  up  ag’inst  the  pork  barrell,  when  he  thought 
he  was  a goin’  up  into  his  study  ; and  get  on  her  stock- 
in’s  and  things,  thinkin’  they  was  hisen.  And  then  he 
said  she  had  the  care  of  the  meetin’  house  on  her;  had 
to  sort  o’  carry  the  meetin’  house.  Shackville  bein’  a 
place  where  they  thought  the  minister’s  wife  belonged 
to  ’em,  as  some  other  places  do  think  besides  Shack- 
ville. Howsumever,  I didn’t  know  any  of  these 


THE  MINISTER'S  WIPE. 


341 


things  only  by  hearsay,  until  I arrove  at  lier  dwelling ; 
then  I knew  by  sight,  and  not  by  ear. 

As  I first  looked  on  her  face,  I couldn’t  help  think- 
in’  of  what  I told  Elder  Simmons  the  mornin’  he  was 
married  ; for  never  did  a apple  blow  show  more  signs 
of  frost  and  chill  after  an  untimely  storm,  than  did 
the  face  of  she  that  was  Serepta  Smith.  ITer  cheeks 
was  as  white  and  as  a posy  blown  down  on  the 

frosty  ground,  and  her  eyes  had  the  old  timid,  scareful 
look,  and  under  that,  whole  loads  of  care  and  anxiety, 
and  weariness ; and  over  all  her  face  was  the  old  look 
I remembered  so  well — only  100  times  stronger — of 
wantin’  to  do  jest  right,  and  jest  what  everybody 
wanted  her  to  do. 

As  I said,  she  was  awful  tickled  to  see  us.  But  she 
was  so  full  of  care,  and  anxiety,  and  work,  she  couldn’t 
hardly  speak  to  us.  She  hadn’t  no  girl,  anS  was  tryin’ 
to  get  supper  for  that  hull  drove  of  men,  and  hadn’t 
much  to  do  with,  for  the  Elder  after  spendin’  his  hull 
life  and  strength  in  tryin’  to  keep  ’em  straight  in  this 
world  and  gettin’  ’em  headed  straight  towards  the 
next,  couldn’t  get  his  pay  from  the  Shackvillians. 
Her  childern  was  a follerin’  her  round — her  husband 
needin’  headin’  olf  every  moment  or  two,  he  was  that 
absent-minded.  I declare,  I never  was  sorrier  for 
anybody  than  I was  for  Serepta. 

And  then  right  on  top  of  her  other  sufferin’s,  every 
time  she  would  come  into  the  settin’-room,  one  tall 


242 


MAN'S  NATURE  UNVEILED. 


minister  with  a cadavery  look  and  long  yeller  whisk- 
ers would  tackle  her  on  the  subject  of  religion,  tryin’ 
to  get  her  to  relate  her  experience,  right  there,  and 
tellin’  of  her  hisen.  That  seemed  to  wear  on  her  the 
most  of  anything,  a wantin’  to  use  him  well,  and 
knowin’  her  supper  was  a spilein’,  and  her  infant 
babes  demandin’  her  attention,  and  her  husband  a 
fumblin’  round  in  the  suller  way,  or  buttery,  needin’ 
headin’  off. 

Truly,  in  the  words  of  the  Sammist,  there  is  a 
time  for  things,  and  a place  for  ’em,”  and  it  seemed 
as  if  he  might  have  known  better.  But  he  was  one 
of  the  kind  that  will  talk.  And  there  he  sot  lookin’ 
calm  and  cadavery,  a pullin’  his  old  yeller  whiskers, 
and  holdiii’  her  tight  by  the  reins  of  her  good  man- 
ners, a urgin’  her  to  tell  her  experience,  and  tellin’  of 
her  hisen.  I declare,  I’d  been  glad  to  have  laid  holt 
of  his  old  yeller  whiskers  myself,  I was  that  out  of 
patience  with  him,  and  I’ll  bet  he’d  a felt  it  if  I had. 
Finally  I spoke  up  and  says  I : 

Set  right  down  and  relate  your  experience,  Serep- 
ta.”  Says  I,  What  is  vittles  compared  to  instructive 
and  edifyin’  conversation.”  Says  I,  I wouldn’t  try 
to  get  a mite  of  supper  to-night.” 

Knowin’  what  I do  know,  divin’  deep  into  the 
heights  and  depths  of  men’s  naters  as  I have  doven, 
I knew  that  this  would  break  Serepta’s  chains.  She 
wasn’t  exhorted  any  more.  She  had  time  to  get  their 


AN  OVERFLOWING  HOUSE. 


243 


suppers.  And  I laid  to  and  helped  her  all  1 could.  I 
got  two  of  the  infant  babes  to  sleep,  and  give  the  two 
biggest  boys  some  candy,  and  headed  him  off  once  or 
twice,  and  eased  her  burdens  all  I could. 

But  she  was  dretful  worried  where  to  put  ’em  to 
sleep.  The  hard  and  wearisome  task  of  gettin’  17 
men  into  three  beds  without  layin’  ’em  on  top  of  each 
other,  was  a wearin’  on  her.  And  she  was  deter- 
mined to  have  Josiah  and  me  stay  too.  She  said  she 
was  used  to  jest  such  a house  full,  and  she  should  get 
along. 

Says  I,  mildly  but  firmly,  Serepta  I haint  a goin’ 
to  sleep  on  the  buttery  shelves,  nor  I don’t  w^ant  you 
to,  it  is  dangerous.  Josiah  and  me  will  get  a lodge- 
ment to  the  tarven  in  Shackville,  and  lodge  there. 
And  to-morrow  when  the  crowd  gets  thinned  out,  we 
will  come  back  and  make  our  visit.” 

She  told  us  not  to  go ; she  said  there  was  a corner  of 
the  parlor  that  wasn’t  occupied,  and  she  had  blankets 
enough,  she  could  make  us  comfortable. 

Says  I,  Hang  on  to  the  corner  yourself,  Serepta, 
if  you  can.  Josiah  and  me  have  made  up  our  2 
minds.  We  are  goin’  to  the  tarven.” 

Says  Josiah — for  he  seemed  to  think  it  would  com- 
fort her — We’ll  come  back  again  Serepta,  we’ll  come 
back  bime-by.” 

The  next  day  early  in  the  forenoon,  a.  m.,  we  arrove 
again  at  Serepta’s  dwellin’.  She  had  jest  got  the  last 


244: 


MISS  HORN  AND  OTHER  VISITORS. 


man  of  the  drove  started  off,  but  she  was  tusslin’ 
with  two  colporters  and  an  agent  for  a Bible  Society. 
And  two  wimmen  set  by  ready  to  grapple  her  as  soon 
as  the  men  started  off.  One  of  ’em  had  a sort  of  a 
mournful  look,  and  the  other  was  as  hard  a lookin’ 
woman  as  I ever  see.  She  was  fearfully  humbly,  but 
that  haint  why  I call  her  hard  lookin’.  I don’t  lay 
up  her  humbleness  ag’inst  her,  knowin’  well  that  our 
faces  haint  made  to  order.  But  she  looked  hard^  as 
if  her  nater  was  hard  as  a rock ; and  her  heart,  and 
her  disposition,  and  everything.  She  had  a large  wart 
on  her  nose,  and  that  also  looked  hard  as  a gravel 
stun,  and  some  like  it.  She  had  a few  long  whiskers 
growin’  out  under  her  chin,  and  I couldn’t  help  won- 
derin’ how  anything  in  the  line  of  vegetation  could 
grow  out  of  such  a grannyt  soil. 

After  lookin’  at  her  a half  minute  it  didn’t  surprise 
me  a mite  to  hear  that  her  name  was  Horn,  Miss  Horn. 
I see  these  two  wimmen  look  round  the  house  examin- 
in’ everything  as  close  as  if  they  was  goin’  to  be  swore 
about  it  to  a justice  to  save  their  lives.  Serepta  hadn’t 
had  time  to  wash  a dish,  nor  sweep  a single  sweep, 
and  her  childern  wasn’t  dressed.  And  I heerd  Miss 
Horn  hunch  the  other  one  with  her  large,  bony 
knuckles,  and  whisper: 

She  lays  abed  shamefully  late,  sometimes.  The 
smoke  rose  out  of  her  chimbly  this  mornin’  at  exactly 
lY  minutes  past  6,  jest  an  hour  and  two  minutes  earlier 


SOMETHING  WRONG. 


246 


than  it  was  yesterday  inorniii’j  and  half  an  hour  and 
twenty  seconds  earlier  than  it  was  the  mornin’  before 
that.’’ 

‘^Gettin’  up  and  burnin’  out  the  wood  the  meetin’ 
house  furnishes  for  ’em,  and  not  a dish  washed.  It  is 
a shame,”  says  the  other  woman.  * 

shame!”  says  Miss  Horn.  ^^It  is  a burnin’ 
shame,  for  a minister’s  wife,  that  ort  to  be  a pattern 


MISS  HOEN. 


to  the  meetin’  house.  And  she  can’t  find  time  to  go 
a visitin’  and  talk  about  her  neighbors’  affairs.  When 
anybody  don’t  feel  like  visitin’,  and  talkin’  about  their 
neighbors’  doin’ s,  it  is  a sign  there  is  sunthin’  wrong 
about  ’em.  There  haint  a thing  done  in  the  neigh- 
borhood but  what  I am  knowin’  to ; not  a quarrel  for 
the  last  twenty  years  but  what  I have  had  my  hand  in 


246  WHAT  MISS  HORN  WAS  WILLING  TO  DO. 


it.  I am  ready  to  go  a visitin’  every  day  of  my  life, 
and  see  what  is  goin’  on.  /haint  too  hanghty  and 
proud  spirited  to  go  into  back  doors  without  knockin’ 
and  see  what  folks  are  a doin’  in  their  kitchens,  and 
wha^they  are  a talkin’  about  when  they  think  nobody 
is  round.  And  it  shows  a haughty,  proud  spirit,  when 
anybody  haint  willin’  to  go  round  and  see  what  they 
can  see  in  folks’es  housen,  and  talk  it  over  with  the 
other  neighbors.” 

Says  the  mournful  woman,  I heard  Bill  Danks’es 
wife  say  the  other  day,  that  she  thought  it  looked  queer 
to  her,  her  visitin’  the  poor  members  of  the  church 
jest  as  often  as  she  did  the  rich  ones.  She  thought — 
Bill’s  wife  did — that  it  looked  shiftless  in  her.” 

She  is  shiftless,”  says  Miss  Horn. 

She  acts  dretful  sort  o’  pleasant,”  says  the  other 
woman,  seems  willin’  to  accomidate  her  neighbors; 
stands  ready  to  help  ’em  in  times  of  trouble;  and 
seems  to  treat  everybody  in  a lady -like,  quiet  way ; 
but  I persume  it  is  all  put  on.” 

Put  on  1 I Ttnow  it  is  put  on,”  says  Miss  Horn, 

She  has  got  a proud,  haughty  soul,  or  she  would  be 
willin’  to  do  as  the  rest  of  us  do.”  And  then  she 
stopped  whisperin’  for  half  a minute  and  looked 
round  the  house  again,  and  hunched  the  other  woman, 
and  whispered — For  a minister’s  wife  that  ort  to 
be  a pattern,  such  housekeepin’  is  shameful.” 

And  the  Bible  agent  spoke  up  jest  then,  and  says 


« IT  DOITT  LOOK  WELL" 


S47 


he,  ‘^Of  course,  as  a minister’s  wife  and  a helper  in 
Israel,  you  are  willin’  to  give  your  time  to  us,  and 
bear  our  burdens.” 

And  Serepta  sithed  and  said  she  was — and  she 
meant  it  too.  I declare,  it  was  all  I could  do  to  keep 
my  peace.  But  I am  naterally  very  close-mouthed,  so 
I kep’  still.  Serepta  couldn’t  hear  what  the  wimmen 
said,  for  she  was  a try  in’  with  that  anxious  face  of 
hern  to  hear  every  word  the  Bible  agent  had  to  say, 
and  to  try  to  do  jest  what  was  right  by  the  colporters. 
And  the  mournful  lookin’  woman  hunched  Miss  Horn, 
and  says  she, — 

Jest  see  how  she  listens  to  them  men.  She  seems 
to  talk  to  ’em  jest  as  free  as  if  they  was  wimmen.  It 
may  be  all  right,  but  it  don’t  look  well.  And  how 
earnest  they  are  a talkin’  to  her ; they  seem  to  sort  o’ 
look  up  to  her,  as  if  she  was  jest  about  riglit.  Men 
don’t  have  no  such  a sort  of  a respectful,  reverential 
look  onto  their  faces  when  they  are  a talkin’  to  you 
or  me ; they  don’t  look  up  to  us  in  no  sucli  sort  of  a 
way.  There  may  be  nothin’  wrong  in  it,  but  it  don’t 
look  well.  It  would  almost  seem  as  if  they  was  after 
her.” 

After  her!  I know  they  are  after  her,  or  else 
they  wouldn’t  be  a talkin’  to  her  so  respectful,  and 
she  is  after  them  that  is  plain  to  be  seen,  or  else  she 
wouldn’t  be  a listenin’  to  ’em  just  as  quiet  and  com- 
posed as  if  they  was  wimmen.  A right  kind  of  a 


348  HOW  A EIGHT  KIND  OF  A WOMAN  LOOKS. 


woman  has  a sort  of  a mistrustin’  look  to  ’em,  when 
they  are  a talkin’  to  men ; they  have  a sort  of  a watch- 
ful turn  to  their  eye,  as  if  they  was  a lookin’  out  for 
’em,  lookin’  out  for  sunthin’  wrong.  I always  have 
that  look  onto  me,  and  you  can  see  that  she  haint  a 
mite  of  it.  See  her  set  there  and  talk.  If  ever  a 
woman  was  after  a man  she  is  after  them  three  men.” 

I couldn’t  have  sot  and  heerd  another  word  of  their 
envious,  spiteful,  low-lived  gossip,  without  bustin’ 
right  out  on  the  spot,  and  speakin’  my  mind  before 
’em  all,  so  I baconed  the  childern  out  into  Serepta’s 
room,  and  washed  and  dressed  ’em,  and  then  I took 
holt  and  put  on  her  dish-water  and  bilt  a fire  under 
it,  for  it  had  gone  out  while  she  was  a tusslin’  with 
them  agents.  When  I went  back  into  the  sittin’- 
room  again,  I see  the  colporters  had  gone,  and  the 
wimmen  had  tackled  her.  They  wanted  her  to  join 
a new  society  they  had  jest  got  up,  The  Cumberin’ 
Marthas.” 

Serepta’s  face  looked  awful  troubled,  her  mind  a 
soarin’  off  I knew  out  into  the  kitchen,  amongst  her 
dishes  that  wasn’t  washed,  and  her  infant  babes,  and 
1 could  see  she  was  a listenin’  to  see  if  she  could  hear 
anything  of  her  husband,  and  whether  he  needed 
headin’  off.  But  she  wanted  to  do  jest  right,  and 
told  ’em  so. 

She  would  join  it,  if  the  church  thought  it  was  her 
duty  to,  though  as  she  belonged  to  fourteen  different 


THE  ''CUMBERIN'  MARTHAS.” 


249 


societies  now,  she  didn’t  know  really  when  she  could 
git  time — ” 

‘‘  Time  ! ” says  Miss  Horn.  I guess  there  is  time 
enough  in  the  world  to  do  duties.  ^ Go  to  the  ant 
thou  sluggard  consider  her  ways  and  be  wise.’  ” And 
as  she  repeated  this  line  of  poetry,  she  groaned  some, 
and  rolled  up  the  whites  of  her  eyes. 

Serepta’s  face  looked  red  as  blood,  but  she  didn’t 
answer  a word  back.  Serepta  Simmons  is  a Christian. 
I believe  it  as  much  as  I believe  I am  J.  Allen’s  wife. 
And  I spoke  right  up  and  says  I : 

Bein’  a searcher  after  information,  and  speakin’ 
as  a private  investigater,  and  a woman  that  has  got  a 
vow  on  her,  I ask  what  are  the  Marthas  expected  to 
do?” 

Says  Miss  Horn,  They  are  expected  to  be  cum* 
bered  all  the  time  with  cares ; to  be  ready  any  time, 
day  or  night,  to  do  anything  the  public  demands 
of  ’em ; to  give  all  their  time,  their  treasure  if  they 
have  got  any,  and  all  the  energies  of  their  mind  and 
body  to  the  public  good,  to  be  cumbered  by  it  in  any 
and  every  way.” 

Says  I,  Again,  I ask  you  as  a private  woman  with 
a vow,  aint  it  hard  on  the  Marthas  ? ” 

She  said  it  was ; but  she  was  proud  to  be  one  of 
’em,  proud  to  be  cumbered.  And  she  said — givin’ 
Serepta  a awful  searchin’  look — That  when  a cer- 
tain person  that  ort  to  be  a pattern,  and  a burnin’  and 


250 


WHAT  HOME  MEANS. 


a shinin’  light,  wouldn’t  put  their  name  down,  there 
was  weaker  vessels  that  it  would  be  apt  to  break 
into — it  would  make  divisions  and  sisms.” 

That  skairt  Serepta  and  she  was  jest  about  puttin’ 
her  name  down,  but  she  couldn’t  help  murmurin’ 
sunthin’  about  time,  afraid  I won’t  have  time  to  do 
jest  right  by  everybody.” 

Time  !”  says  Miss  Horn,  scornfully  and  angrily, — 

Time ! ^ Go  to  the  ant  thou  sluggard,  consider  her 

ways  and  be  wise.’  ” 

But  jest  as  Miss  Horn  was  a finishin’  repeatin’  her 
poetry,  and  before  Serepta  had  time  to  put  her  name 
down,  all  of  a sudden  the  door  opened,  and  another 
great  tall  woman  marched  in.  I noticed  there  didn’t 
none  of  ’em  knock,  but  jest  opened  the  door  and 
stalked  in,  jest  as  if  the  minister’s  house,  as  well  as 
he  and  his  wife  belonged  to  ’em  and  they  had  a per- 
fect right  to  stream  in  every  minute.  I declare,  it 
madded  me,  for  I say  if  home  means  anything  it 
means  a place  where  anybody  can  find  rest,  and  re- 
pose and  freedom  from  unwelcome  intrusion.  And  I 
say,  and  I contend  for  it,  that  I had  jest  as  lives  have 
anybody  steal  anything  else  from  me,  as  to  steal  my 
time  and  my  comfort.  There  probable  haint  a woman 
standin’  on  feet  at  the  present  age  of  the  world,  (with 
or  without  vows  on  ’em)  that  is  more  horsepitable, 
and  gladder  to  see  her  friends  than  Samantha  Allen, 
late  Smith.  There  are  those,  whose  presence  is  more 


EXHORTATION  TO  BE  NEIGHBORLY. 


251 


restful,  and  refreshin’  and  inspirin’,  than  the  best  cuj) 
of  tea  or  coffee  that  ever  was  drunk.  The  heart, 
soul,  and  mind  send  out  stronger  tendrils  that  cling 
closer  and  firmer  even  than  some  of  the  twigs  of  the 
family  tree.  Kindred  aims,  hopes,  and  sympathies 
are  a closer  tie  than  4th  cousin. 

There  is  help,  inspiration  and  delight  in  the  pres- 
ence of  those  who  are  more  nearly  and  truly  related 
to  us  than  if  they  was  born  on  our  father’s  or  mother’s 
side  unbeknown  to  them.  And  friends  of  our  soul, 
it  would  be  a hard  world  indeed,  if  we  could  never 
meet  each  other.  And  I would  advise  Serepta  as  a 
filler  of  the  bottle  she  was  brought  up  on,  and  a well- 
wisher,  to  visit  back  and  forth  occasionally,  at  proper 
times  and  seasons,  and  neighbor  considerable  with  all 
who  might  wish  to  neighbor,  be  they  aliens  or  friends. 
Horns  or  softer  material.  Standin’  firm  and  stead- 
fast, ready  to  borry  and  lend  salaratus,  clothes-pins, 
allspice,  bluein’  bags,  and  etcetery,  and  in  times  of 
trouble,  standin’  by  ’em  like  a rock,  and  so  4th. 

The  Bible  says,  Iron  sharpeneth  iron,  so  does  a 
man  the  countenance  of  his  friend.”  But  in  the 
words  of  the  Sammist  (slightly  changed),  there  is  a 
time  for  visitin’  and  a time  for  stayin’  to  home.  A 
time  to  neighbor,  and  a time  to  refrain  from  neigh- 
borin’,— a time  to  talk,  and  a time  to  write  sermons, 
wash  dishes,  and  mop  out  the  kitchen.  And  what  I 
would  beware  Miss  Horn  and  the  rest  of  ’em  is,  of 


252  WHAT  THE  SHACKVILLIANS  THOUGHT. 


sharpenin’  that  iron  ” so  uncommon  sharp  that  it 
will  cut  friendship  right  into  in  the  middle ; or  keep 
on  sharpenin’  it,  till  they  git  such  a awful  fine  pint 
on  it,  that  before  they  know  it,  it  will  break  right  off 
so  blunt  that  they  can’t  never  git  an  age  put  on  it 
again. 

They  ort  to  respect  and  reverepce  each  other’s  in- 
dividuality.— (That  is  a long  hefty  word,  but  1 have 
got  it  all  right,  for  I looked  it  out  in  Thomas  Jeffer- 
son’s big  dictionary,  see  what  it  meant,  and  spelt  it 
all  out  as  I went  along ; nobody  need  to  be  afraid  of 
Bayin’  it  jest  as  I have  got  it  down.)  Because  Miss 
Horn,  and  the  rest  of  ’em  git  lonesome,  they  hadn’t 
ort  to  inflict  themselves  and  their  gossip  onto  a busy 
man  or  woman  who  don’t  git  lonesome.  Good  land ! 
if  anybody  lays  holt  of  life  as  they  ort  to,  they  haint 
no  time  to  be  lonesome.  Now  Serepta  Simmons 
meant  well,  and  liked  her  neighbors,  and  their  chil- 
dern,  and  wanted  to  treat  ’em  friendly  and  handsome. 
But  she  hankered  dretfully  after  havin’  a home  of 
her  own,  and  not  livin’  with  ’em  all  premiscous  (as  it 
were.)  But  they  wouldn’t  let  her  ; she  didn’t  have  a 
minute  she  could  call  her  own.  The  Shackvillians 
seemed  to  think  she  belonged  to  ’em,  jest  as  much  as 
the  clock  on  the  meetin’  house  did,  and  they  perused 
hei*  every  minute  jest  as  they  did  that.  It  made  her 
feel  curious,  sunthin’  as  if  she  was  livin’  out  doors,  or 
in  an  open  cage  in  the  menagery  way. 


ANOTHEK  CALLEB. 


253 


They  flocked  in  on  her  all  the  hull  time  without 
knockin’,  at  all  times  of  the  day  and  night,  before 
breakfast,  and  after  bedtime,  and  right  along  through 
the  day,  stiddy ; watchin’  her  with  as  keen  a vision  as 
if  she  was  a one-eyed  turkey  carried  round  for  a side- 
show ; findin’  fault  with  everything  she  did  or  didn’t 
do,  inflictin’  their  gossip  on  her,  and  collectin’  all  they 
could  to  retail  to  other  folks’es  housen ; watchin’  every 
motion  she  made,  and  commentin’  on  it  in  public ; 
catchin’  every  little  word  she  dropped  in  answer  to 
their  gossipin’  remarks,  and  addin’  and  swellin’  out 
that  little  word  till  it  wouldn’t  know  itself  it  was  so 
different,  and  then  repeatin’  it  on  the  house  tops  (as 
it  were). 

I declare,  it  madded  me  to  see  a likely  woman  so 
imposed  upon,  and  I thought  to  myself,  if  it  was  me^ 
I should  ruther  have  ’em  steal  pork  right  out  of  my 
pork  barrell,  than  to  have ’em  steal  my  peace  and 
comfort. 

But  as  I was  sayin’,  this  woman  come  in  right 
through  the  back  door  without  knockin’,  as  independ- 
ent as  you  please,  and  as  she  sot  down  she  looked  all 
round  the  house  so’s  to  remember  how  everything 
looked,  bo’s  to  tell  it  again,  though  Serepta  wasn’t  no 
more  to  blame  than  a babe  two  or  three  hours  old,  for 
her  work  not  bein’  done  up.  I see  that  this  woman 
glared  at  Miss  Horn,  and  Miss  Horn  glared  back 

at  her,  and  I knew  in  a minute  she  was  gittin’  up 
10* 


254 


THE  WEEPIN’  MARYS/* 


another  society.  And  so  it  turned  out.  She  wanted 
Serepta  to  head  the  list  of  the  Weepin’  Marys”  a 
opposition  party  to  the  Cumberin’  Marthas.” 

Serepta  looked  as  if  she  would  sink.  But  I spoke 
right  up,  for  I was  determined  to  take  her  part.  And 
says  I,  Mom,  I am  of  a investigatin’  turn,  and 
am  collectin’  information  on  a tower,  and  may  I ask 
as  a well-wisher  to  the  sect,  what  job  has  the  ‘ Weep- 
in’  Marys’  got  ahead  of  ’em.  What  are  they  ex- 
pected to  tackle  ? ” says  I in  a polite  way. 

Says  she,  They  are  expected  to  spend  the  hull  of 
their  time,  day  and  night,  a learnin’,  pryin’  into  doc- 
terines,  and  studyin’  on  some  way  to  ameliorate  the 
condition  of  the  heathen,  and  the  African  gorillas.” 

Says  I,  In  them  cases  if  Serepta  jines  ’em,  what 
chance  would  the  Elder  run  of  gittin’  anything  to  eat, 
or  Serepta,  or  the  childern  ? ” 

^^Eatin’,”  says  she,  what  is  eatin’  compared  to  a 
knowledge  of  the  docterines  and  the  condition  of  the 
perishin’  heathen  ? ” 

But,”  says  I in  reasonable  axents,  folks  have 
got  to  eat  or  else  die — and  if  they  haint  able  to  hire 
a girl,  they  have  got  to  cook  the  vittles  themselves  or 
else  they’ll  perish,  and  die,  jest  as  dead  as  a dead 
heathen.” 

Speakin’  about  Serepta’s  time,  always  seemed  to 
set  Miss  Horn  ofi  onto  her  poetry,  and  she  repeated 
again, — Go  to  the  ant — ” 


SAMANTHA  ACTS  ON  THE  OFFENSIVE.  255 


But  I interrupted  of  her,  and  says  I,  “ You  have 
advised  Serepta  several  times  to  go  to  her  aunt  and 
be  wise.  I am  her  aunt,  and  I motion  she  falls  in 
with  the  advice  you  have  give  her,  in  a handsome 
way.  I advise  her  to  do  up  n®r  work.  And  I advise 
you  to  clear  out,  all  of  you,  and  give  her  a chance  to 
wash  her  dishes,  and  nurse  her  babies,  and  get  h^ 
dinner.”  For  truly  dinner  time  was  approachin’. 

They  acted  mad,  but  they  started  off.  Serepta’s  face 
was  as  white  as  a white  cotton  sheet,  as  she  seen  ’em 
go,  she  was  that  skairt ; bat  I kep’  pretty  cool  and 
considerable  firm,  for  I see  she  needed  a friend.  I 
laid  to  and  helped  her  do  up  her  work,  and  git  her 
dinner.  And  she  owned  up  to  me  that  her  work 
wouldn’t  seem  to  be  nothin’  to  her  if  she  could  have 
her  house  and  her  time  to  herself  some.  I see  plain, 
that  she  was  a carryin’  the  hull  meetin’  house  on  her 
back,  though  she  didn’t  say  so.  I could  see  that  she 
dassant  say  her  soul  was  her  own,  ihe  was  so  afraid  of 
offendin’  the  flock. 

She  happened  to  say  to  me  as  we  was  a washin’  up 
the  dishes,  how  much  she  wanted,  a new  dress.  Her 
uncle  had  give  her  the  money  So  git  one,  and  she 
wanted  it  the  worst  way. 

“ Why  don’t  you  git  it  then  ? ’•  says  L 

“ Oh,”  says  rfie,  “ the  church  don’t  like  to  have  me 
git  anything  to  wear,  and  they  make  so  many  speeches 
about  my  bein’  extravagant,  and  breakin’  down  my 


256 


SERBPTA’S  POSITION  DEFINED. 


husband’s  influence,  and  settin’  a wicked  example  of 
extravagance,  and  ruinin’  the  nation,  that  I can’t  bear 
to  git  a rag  of  clothes  to  wear.” 

“Well,”  says  I calmly  wipin’  the  butter  plate,  “if 
you  feel  like  that,  I don’t  see  anything  to  hinder  you 
from  goin’  naked.  I don’t  s’pose  they  would  like 
that.” 

“Oh  no,”  says  she,  ready  to  burst  out  a cryin’. 
“ They  don’t  like  it  if  I haint  dressed  up  slick.  They 
say  I am  a stumblin’  block,  if  I haint  as  dressy  as  the 
other  minister’s  wife.” 

Says  I,  “ Serepta  you  are  in  a bad  spot.  You  seem 
to  be  in  the  same  place  the  old  drunkard’s  wife  was. 
He  said  he’d  ‘ whip  Sally  if  supper  was  ready,’  and 
he’d  ‘ whip  Sally  if  it  wasn’t.’  ” 

“ Yes,”  says  she,  “ that  is  just  where  I stand.  They 
say  I am  a pattern  for  the  church  to  foller,  and  so  I 
must  be  all  the  time  away  from  home  a workin’  for 
the  heathen  and  missionary  societies,  for  a minister’s 
wife  must  ‘ be  given  to  good  works.’  And  I must  at 
the  same  time  be  to  home  all  the  time  a workin’  and 
a takin’  care  of  my  family,  ‘ For  Sarah  kept  the  tent.’ 
I have  got  to  be  to  home  a encouragin’  my  husband 
aU  the  time,  ‘ a holdin’  up  his  arms,’  like  Aaron  and 
Hur,  and  I have  got  to  be  away  all  the  time,  a ‘ hold- 
in’ up  the  ark.’  I have  got  to  be  to  home  a lettin’ 
out  my  little  boy’s  pantaloons,  and  at  the  same  time 
away  ‘ enlargin’  the  borders  of  Zion.’  I have  got  to 


SAMANTHA  DETERMINES  TO  ACT. 


257 


give  all  my  time  to  convertin’  the  heathen  or  ‘ woe  be 
to  me/  and  have  got  to  be  to  home  all  the  time  a tak- 
in’  care  of  my  own  household,  or  I am  ^ worse  than  an 
infidel.’  And  amongst  it  all,”  says  she,  “there  is  so 
much  expected  of  me,  that  I git  sometimes  so  worn 
out  and  discouraged  I don’t  know  what  to  do.” 

And  Serepta’s  tears  gently  drizzled  down  into  the 
dish-water,  for  she  was  a washin’,  and  I was  a wipin’. 

I rubbed  away  on  a pie  plate,  a musin’  in  deep 
thought,  and  then  I segested  this  to  her,  in  pretty 
even  tones,  but  earnest  and  deep : 

“ Did  you  ever  try  a mindin’  your  own  business, 
and  makin’  other  folks  mind  theirn  ? ” 

“ No,”  says  she  meekly.  And  she  sithed  as  deep 
as  I ever  heerd  any  one  sithe.  “ I mind  my  business 
pretty  well,”  says  she,  “ but  I never  tried  to  make 
other  folks  mind  theirn.  I wasn’t  strong  enough.” 

“Well,”  says  I,  “before  I leave  this  place,  I lay 
out  to  make  a change.”  Says  I,  “ many  is  the  time  I 
have  filled  the  bottle  you  was  brought  up  on,  and  1 
haint  a goin’  to  stand  by  and  see  you  killed.  And 
before  I leave  Shackville,  the  meetin’  house  has  got 
to  git  offen  your  back,  or  I’ll  know  the  reason  why.” 

She  looked  considerable  skairt,  but  I could  see  it 
made  her  feel  better  to  have  somebody  to  sort  o’  lean 
on.  And  as  we  finished  our  dishes,  (the  buttery  was 
full  on  ’em,  she  hadn’t  had  time  to  half  wash  ’em  the 
night  before,)  she  went  on  and  told  more  of  her 
troubles  to  me. 


258  MINISTERS  NEED  “BEAUTIFUL  FEET.” 


She  said  her  husband  bein’  a handsome  man,  the 
other  wimmen  in  the  church  naturally  took  to  him. 
She  said  there  wasn’t  a jealous  hair  in  the  hull  of  her 
back  hair,  or  foretop,  and  her  husband’s  morals  was 
known  to  her  to  be  sound  as  sound  could  be,  and 
she  said  he  didn’t  like  it  no  better  than  she  did,  this 
bein’  follered  up  so  uncommon  close  by  ’em.  She 
said  it  was  kinder  wearin’  on  her  to  see  it  go  on. 
But  she  meant  to  be  reasonable,  knowin’  that  minis- 
ters was  always  took  to  by  wimmen. 

Took  to  ! ” says  I.  I should  think  as  much  ! ” 
Says  I,  Wimmen  are  as  flat  as  pancakes  in  some 
things,  and  this  is  one  of  ’em.  I have  seen  a pack  of 
wimmen  before  now,  a actin’  round  a minister,  till  their 
actin’  was  jest  as  good  as  thorougliwort  to  my  stomach, 
jest  as  sickenin’.”  Says  I,  I don’t  wonder  that  the 
’postle  spoke  about  how  beautiful  minister’s  feet  was. 
I don’t  wonder  that  he  mentioned  their  feet  in  par- 
ticular, for  if  ever  there  was  a set  of  men  that  needed 
good  feet  in  a world  full  of  foolish  wimmen,  it  is 
them.” 

But  Serepta  sithed,  and  I see  that  she  was  a carry- 
in’  the  meetin’  house,  (as  it  were.)  I see  that  Miss 
Horn  was  on  her  mind,  and  I pitted  her.  She  said 
Miss  Horn  was  the  hardest  cross  she  had  to  bear. 
She  said  she  would  watch  her  chimbly  for  hours,  to 
see  what  time  they  got  up.  And  havin’  the  newraligy 
a good  deal,  and  settin’  up  with  it,  watchin’  with  that 


HOW  MISS  HORN  STOOD  GUARD. 


259 


and  her  babies,  she  sometimes  slept  till  late  in  the 
mornin’.  And  her  husband  would  git  his  brain  so 
completely  rousted  up  a writin’  his  sermons  that  he 
couldn’t  quell  it  down,  and  git  it  quieted  off  so’s  to 
rest  any  till  most  mornin’.  And  she  said  Miss  Horn 
and  her  hired  girl  would  rise  at  daybreak  and  watch 
her  chimbly,  one  hour  on,  and  one  hour  off,  till  they 
see  the  smoke  come  out  of  it,  and  then  one  of  ’em 
would  sally  out  to  tell  the  exact  minute  to  the  neigh- 
borhood, while  the  other  got  the  breakfast.  They 
didn’t  try  to  do  anything  else  only  jest  cook,  and  tend 
to  Serepta  and  the  other  neighbors.  And  their  git- 
tin’  up  so  early,  give  ’em  a chance  to  git  their  house- 
work done,  and  then  have  as  many  as  seven  hours 
apiece  left  to  gossip  round  the  neighborhood.  They 
made  it  profitable,  dretful,  as  Miss  Horn  told  Serepta 
^he  despised  lazyness. 

But  Serepta  said  it  made  her  feel  curious,  when 
they  would  come  in  and  tell  her  the  exact  minute  the 
smoke  of  her  cook  stove  rose  upward,  for  she — bein’ 
in  the  habit  of  goin’  to  work  when  she  did  git  up — 
didn’t  have  much  time  to  devote  to  the  pursuit  of 
smoke.  She  said  it  was  sort  o’  wearin’  on  her,  not  so 
much  on  the  account  of  their  callin’  her  lazy,  which 
she  expected  and  looked  out  for,  but  it  made  her  feel 
as  if  it  was  war  time,  and  she  was  one  of  the  enemy. 
She  said  to  think  their  eyes  was  on  her  chimbly  jest 
as  soon  as  the  sun  was  up,  a watchin’  it  so  close,  it 


260 


A BLAST  ON  A HORN. 


give  her  a as  curious  a f eelin’  as  she  ever  felt ; she  felt 
somehow  as  if  she  was  under  the  military.  She  said 
she  felt  as  if  she  was  a tory  more’n  half  the  time,  on 
this  very  account ; it  wore  on  her  considerable. 

“ Why  don’t  you  spunk  up  Serepta  Simmons,”  says 
I,  “and  tell  Miss  Horn  and  the  rest  of  ’em,  that 
when  you  git  so  that  you  haint  nothin’  else  to  do  but 
watch  other  folks’es  chimblys,  you  will  hire  out  for 
a scarecrow,  and  so  earn  a respectable  livin’,  and  be  " 
somebody  ? ” 

“ Oh,”  says  she,  “ Miss  Horn  wouldn’t  like  it  if  I 
did.” 

“ Like  it ! ” says  I.  “ I don’t  s’pose  asalt  and  batter- 
ers love  to  be  took  up  and  handled  for  their  asaltin’,” 
and  says  I,  “ I had  jest  as  lives  have  my  body  salted 
and  battered,  as  to  have  my  feelin’s.  Oh  ! ” says  I 
almost  wildly,  “ if  I had  the  blowin’  up  of  that  Horn, 
I’d  give  it  such  a blast,  that  there  would  be  no  need 
of  soundin’  on  it  again  for  years.”  I spoke  almost  in- 
coherently, for  I was  agitated  to  an  extreme  degree. 

But  Serepta  went  on  to  say  that  she  had  “ gained 
thirteen  ounces  of  flesh  last  winter,  in  one  month.  Miss 
Horn  had  been  a visitin’  to  Loontown  to  a brother’s 
who  had  died  and  left  her  quite  a property.”  And 
says  she,  “ I did  hear  that  she  was  goin’  to  be  married 
to  a widower  up  there,  but  I don’t  s’pose  there  is  any 
such  good  news  for  me  as  that.  I haint  dared  to  lot 
on  it  much,  knowin’  well  what  a world  of  sorrow  and 


HOMELY  DUTIES. 


261 


affliction  this  is,  and  knowin’  that  freedom  and  happi- 
ness haint  much  likely  to  ever  be  my  lot.  I s’pose 
the  chimbly  and  I have  got  to  be  watched  jest  as  long 
as  we  both  live.” 

But  she  didn’t  have  no  time  to  multiply  any  more 
words,  for  as  we  looked  out  of  the  buttery  winder, 
we  see  her  husband  a walkin’  slowly  along  backwards 
and  forwards  with  his  hands  under  his  coat  tails,  a 
composin’  a sermon,  as  I s’posed.  But  as  we  looked, 
he  forgot  himself,  and  come  up  bunt  ag’inst  the  barn, 
and  hit  himself  a awful  blow  on  his  forward  ; Serepta 
started  off  on  the  run  to  tend  to  him  and  head  him 
off. 

But  that  very  afternoon  I had  a chance  to  speak 
my  mind,  and  break  her  chains.  Serepta  and  I was  a 
settin’  there  as  contented  and  happy  as  you  please, 
for  Serepta  was  a master  hand  to  love  her  home,  and 
would  have  give  the  best  ear  she  had,  for  the  privi- 
ledge  of  bein’  let  alone  to  make  a happy  home  for 
them  she  loved,  and  take  care  of  ’em.  She  was  a 
mendin’  her  2 boys’  clothes,  for  they  was  as  ragged 
as  injuns,  though  truly  as  the  poet  observes, — she 
was  not  to  blame.”  And  I also  was  a tryin’  in  my 
feeble  way  to  help  her  and  put  a seat  into  the  biggest 
little  boy’s  pantaloons ; we  had  got  ’em  to  bed  for 
that  purpose.  And  as  we  sot  and  worked,  we  could 
hear  ’em  in  the  room  overhead,  a throwin’  the  pillers, 
and  talkin’  language  that  for  minister’s  childern  wa« 


262 


A FRESH  ATTACK. 


scandelous — for  she  had  had  to  let  ’em  run  loose, 
though  to  quote  again  the  words  of  the  poet, — she 
was  not  to  blame,”  havin’  got  it  into  her  head  that  it 
was  her  duty  to  carry  tlie  meetin’  house. 

Well,  as  I was  a say  in’,  we  was  a settin’  there,  when 
all  of  a sudden,  without  no  warnin’  of  no  kind,  the 
door  opened  without  no  rappin’  on  it,  or  anything, 
and  in  walked  what  I supposed  at  the  time,  was 
the  hull  meetin’  house ; I was  so  wild  at  first  as  I 
beheld  ’em,  that  I almost  expected  to  see  ’em  bring 
in  the  steeple.  I was  skairt.  But  I found  by  strict 
measurement,  when  my  senses  come  back,  that  there 
wasn’t  only  sixteen  wimmen,  and  two  childern  and 
one  old  deacon.  I heerd  afterwards,  that  he  was  the 
only  man  they  could  git  to  come  with  ’em  to  labor 
with  Serepta.  (He  was  old  as  the  hills,  and  dretful 
childish,  so  they  got  round  him.) 

Men  has  their  faults.  None  can  be  more  deeply 
sensible  of  that  great  truth  than  I am,  as  I often  tell 
Josiah.  But  truly,  so  far  as  gossip  and  meddlin’  and 
interferin’  with  your  neighbor’s  business  is  concerned, 
wimmen  is  fur  ahead  of  the  more  opposite  sect. 
It  is  mysterious  that  it  should  be  so,  but  so  it  is, 
factorum. 

Serepta  looked  white  as  a white  ghost,  and  ready  to 
sink  right  down  through  the  fioor  into  the  suller,  for 
from  past  experience  she  knew  they  had  come  to  labor 
with  her.  But  I held  firm  as  any  rock  you  can  bring 


A VISIT  FKOM  THE  CHURCH. 


AN  UP-STAIRS  ARGUMENT. 


265 


up,  Plymouth,  or  Bunker  Hill,  or  any  of  ’em.  And 
when  they  glared  at  me,  thank  fortin  I was  enabled 
to  do  what  duty  and  inclination  both  called  on  me  to 
do,  and  glare  back  at  ’em,  and  do  a good  job  in  the 
line  o’  glarin’  too. 

They  seemed  to  be  as  mad  at  me  as  they  was  at 
Serepta,  and  madder.  But  I wasn’t  afraid  of  any 
on  ’em,  and  when  they  all  commenced  talkin’  to  once, 
a complainin’  of  Serepta  and  her  doin’s  and  her  not 
doin’s,  my  principles  enabled  me  to  look  at  ’em 
through  ray  specks  with  a scornful  mean  that  would 
have  spoke  louder  than  words  if  they  had  understood 
anything  of  the  language  of  means. 

Finally  they  all  got  to  talkin’  together,  a complain- 
in’. Why  didn’t  she  jine  the  ^ Cumberin’  Marthas  ? ’ 
Why  couldn’t  she  head  the  ‘Weepin’  Marys?’  Wh}^ 
don’t  she  take  more  interest  in  the  female  fellah’s  of 
Cairo  ? Why  don’t  she  show  more  enthusiasm  about 
the  heathens  and  gorillas  ? ” 

Just  then  I heed’d  the  biggest  little  boy  swear  like 
a pirate,  and  kick  the  other  one  out  of  bed,  and  I 
spoke  coldly,  very  coldly : 

She’ll  have  a span  of  gorillas  of  her  own  pretty 
soon  if  she  haint  allowed  no  time  to  take  care  on 
’em,  she  wont  have  to  go  to  Africa  for  ’em,  either ; ” 
says  I,  Serepta  will  show  you  some  male  fellahs 
that  will  need  more  help  than  any  of  your  female 
ones,  bime-by ; she  will  give  you  a good  job  in  the 


266 


ANOTHER  ALLEGORY. 


line  of  heatliens  to  convert  in  a few  years,  if  things 
go  on  as  they  are  a goin’  on  now.” 

With  that,  Serepta  burst  right  out,  and  wept  and 
cried,  and  cried  and  wept.  It  affected  me  awfully, 
and  I spoke  right  up,  and  says  I : 

Heathens  are  first  rate  themes  to  foller,  but  there 
is  different  ways  of  f offerin’  ’em  ; ” says  I,  ‘‘  some 
will  set  their  eyes  on  a heathen  in  Africa,  and  foller 
him  so  blindly  that  there  can  be  ten  heathens  a caper- 
in’ right  round  ’em  to  home,  and  they  won’t  see  none 
on  ’em.”  And  then  I felt  so,  that  I allegoried  some, 
right  there  on  the  spot.  Says  I : 

After  a big  snow-storm,  it  may  seem  noble  and 
grand  to  go  round  sweepin’  off  meetin’  housen  and 
etcetery ; but  in  my  opinion,  duty  would  caff  on  a 
man  first,  to  make  a path  to  the  well  for  his  own 
family,  and  the  barn,  then  shovel  round  freely,  where 
duty  called.  What  good  does  it  do  to  go  off  in  for- 
eign pastures  a cuttin’  down  thistle  tops,  when  you 
are  a raisin’  a big  crop  of  ’em  to  home  for  somebody 
else  to  be  scratched  by?  What  advantage  to  the 
world  at  large  is  it,  if  a woman  converts  one  heathen 
way  off  in  India,  and  at  the  same  time  by  neglect,  and 
inattention  and  carelessness,  raises  a crop  of  seven  of 
’em  in  her  own  house.  My  advise  to  such  would  be — 
and  so  would  Josiah’s — work  in  the  garden  God  set  you 
over.  Try  by  earnest  care  and  prayer,  un tirin’  dili- 
gent culture  and,  if  need  be,  an  occasional  rakin’  down, 


PLAIN  TALiK. 


2«T 

to  keep  your  own  heathen  crop  down  to  the  lowest 
possible  state,  and  then  after  you  have  done  this,  do 
all  you  can  for  other  heathens  promiscous.’’ 

But  they  glared  at  Serepta  more  glarin’  than  they 
had  before,  and  says  Miss  Horn  : — She  wont  do 
nothin’  ; she  is  shiftless.”  And  then  I spoke  out  in 
tremblin’  tones,  I was  so  agitated : 

Serepta  is  my  own  niece  on  my  father’s  side,  and 
I helped  to  bring  her  up  on  a bottle,  and  she  didn’t 
nurse  a cast-iron  strength  and  a leather  constitution 
out  of  it  as  some  of  you  seem  to  think  she  did ; ” 
says  I,  such  is  not  the  nature  of  cow’s  milk,  neither 
is  it  the  nature  of  bottles.”  Says  I,  If  she  has  got  a 
tender,  timid,  lovin’  disposition,  and  one  that  is  easily 
influenced,  so  much  the  more  pity  for  her  in  this 
state,  that  Shackville  has  called  her  to  be  in.  But  as 
it  is,  she  is  willin’  to  be  killed,  and  you  with  probable 
religious  intentions  are  willin’  to  kill  her.” 

Oh  how  they  glared  at  me ; but  I kep’  on  as  Arm  as 
Gibbralter : 

“ Her  husband  is  a good  man,  and  thinks  enough  of 
her;  but  he  is  deep  learnt  and  absent-minded,  and 
needs  headin’  off*.  And  when  he  is  walkin’  by  him- 
self through  the  shady  lanes  and  crooked  pathways  of 
the  docterines  and  creeds,  and  so  on,  and  so  4th ; when 
he  is  tryin’  to  stand  up  straight  with  one  foot  on 
Genesis,  and  the  other  on  geoligy,  tryin’  his  best  to 
break  a path  through  the  wilderniss  of  beliefs  a road 


2(58  ^ EXCELLENT  EXAMPLE  FOR  WOMEH. 


that  shall  lead  his  hearers  straight  to  heaveu’s  gate  ; 
with  all  this  on  his  hands,  how  can  he  be  expected 
to  keep  his  eye  every  minute  on  the  little  woman  by 
Ilia  side.  How  can  he,  when  he  is  absent-minded, 
and  needs  headin’  off,  how  can  he  be  expected  to 
know  whether  the  meetin’  house  is  a carryin’  her,  or 
she  is  a carryin’  the  ineetin’  house.”  Says  I,  Se- 
repta  Simmons  is  a Christian  woman,  and  if  she  has 
time  to  spare  after  taken’  care  of  them  that  Providence 
has  placed  in  her  keepin’,  she  would  be  willin’  to  do 
what  she  could  for  other  heathen  nations,  and  tribes; 
it  would  be  her  duty  and  her  priviledge. 

But,”  says  I,  because  Serepta’s  husband  is  hired 
out  to  you  for  200  and  50  dollars  a year,  you  have 
no  more  right  to  control  Serepta’s  actions,  and  time, 
than  you  have  to  order  round  that  old  stun  female 
that  keeps  house  by  herself  out  in  Egypt  by  the 
pyramids.  I can^t  think  of  her  name,  but  howsum- 
ever  it  haint  no  matter ; I wish  Serepta  had  some  of 
her  traits,  a good  firm  stun  disposition,  that  couldn’t 
be  coaxed  nor  skairt  into  bearin’  burdens  enough  to 
break  down  seven  wimmen.  Pd  love  to  see  you  order 
old  what’s-her-name  round ; I’d  love  to  see  you  make 
/ler  do  all  the  housework  and  sewin’  for  a big  family, 
head  off  a deep  learnt,  absent-minded  husband,  take 
care  of  five  infant  childern,  and  carry  round  a meetin’ 
house.  She’s  kep’  a stiddy  head  on  her  shoulders  and 
minded  her  own  business  for  centuries,  and  so  is  a 


THE  FOB  ROUTED. 


969 

pattern  for  some  other  wimmen  I know  of,  to  foller.” 

Oh  how  that  madded  ’em,  and  Mias  Horn  apoke 
up  and  says  she : 

“We  have  got  a claim  on  her,  and  we’ll  let  you 
know  we  have.” 

Says  I,  “ The  meetin’  house  pays  Elder  Simmons 
200  and  50  dollars,  and  so  has  got  a claim  on  him, 
and  how  much  does  it  lay  out  to  pay  Serepta ; how 
much  does  it  lay  out  to  give  her  for  the  cornin’  year  ?” 

“ Not  one  cent,”  screamed  out  Miss  Horn  in  skairt, 
excited  axents.  “Not  one  cent,”  says  nine  other 
wimmen  and  the  old  deacon. 

Then  says  I,  risin’  up  on  my  feet  and  wavin’  my 
hand  out  nobly : 

“ Clear  out,  the  hull  caboodle  of  you,  and  ” I added 
in  still  firmer,  nobler  axents,  “ if  the  meetin’  house 
don’t  leggo  of  Serepta,  I’ll  rnake  it  leggo.” 

I s’pose  my  mean  was  that  awful  and  commandin’ 
that  it  filled  ’em  with  awe,  and  afiright.  They  started 
right  off,  almost  on  the  run,  two  able-bodied  wimmen 
takin’  the  old  deacon  between  ’em. 

I had  a letter  from  Serepta  yesterday.  She  is 
a gettin’  along  first  rate ; her  time  is  her  own ; her 
childern  are  gettin’  more’n  half  civilized ; and  she  has 
gained  a pound  a week. 


A VISIT  TO  PHILANDER  SPICER’SES 

FOLKS. 


K NOWIN’  that  Philander  Spicers’es  folks  was  well 
off,  and  wouldn’t  be  put  to  it  for  things  to  wait 
on  U6,  we  thought  we  wouldn’t  write  to  tell  ’em  we 
was  a cornin’,  but  give  ’em  a happy  surprise.  They 
owned  five  hundred  acres  of  land,  and  had  oceans  of 
money  out  at  interest.  Well,  it  was  about  the  middle 
of  the  afternoon,  p.  m.  when  we  arrove  at  their  dwell- 
in’ place.  It  was  a awful  big,  noble  lookin’  house, 
but  every  winder  and  winder  blind  was  shut  up  tight, 
and  it  looked  lonesome,  and  close;  but  I haint  one  to 
be  daunted,  so  I stepped  up  and  rung  at  the  bell. 
Nobody  come.  Then  I rung  at  it  again,  and  Josiah 
took  my  umberell  and  kinder  rapped  on  the  door 
with  it,  pretty  considerable  loud  ; and  then  a dejected 
lookin’  man  hollered  at  us  from  the  barn  door,  and 
says  he : 

You  wont  get  in  there.” 


AROUND  TO  THE  BACK  DOOR. 


271 


Says  I,  “ Why  not,  is  it  the  house  of  mournin’?” 

A 

says  I ; for  there  was  suiithin’  strange  and  melancholly 
in  his  tone. 

Because  yon  miglit  let  in  a fly,”  says  he. 

He  didn’t  say  nothin’  more,  but  stood  a lookin’  at 
us  dretful  dejected  and  melancholly-like,  and  Josiah 
and  me  stood  lookin’  at  him,  and  we  felt  curious,  very. 
But  pretty  soon  I found  and  recovered  myself,  and  I 
says  in  pretty  firm  tones : 

If  Mahala  Spicer,  she  that  was  Mahala  Allen  lives 
here,  I lay  out  to  see  her  before  I leave  these  premises.” 

‘‘Well,”  says  the  man,  “foller  up  that  path  round 
the  back  side  of  the  house,  and  you’ll  find  her ; we  live 
in  the  wood-house.”  As  he  said  that,  he  seemed  to 
kinder  git  over  into  the  manger,  and  I laid  holt  of 
Josiah,  and  says  I : 

“ That  man  is  Philander  Spicer,  and  he  has  seen 
trouble.” 

“ Bein’  a married  man  he  might  expect  to — ” 

“ Expect  to  what  Josiah  Allen  ? ” says  I,  lookin’  at 
him  with  a mean  that  was  like  a icicle  for  stiffness 
and  coolness. 

“ Oh ! I meant  he  might  expect  to  lay  up  property. 
What  a big  house ! I declare  Samantha,  I haint  seen 
so  big  and  nice  a house  sense  we  left  Jonesville.” 

And  truly,  it  was  awful  big  and  nice ; big  enough 
for  half  a dozen  families,  but  it  was  shot  up  fearfully 
close  and  tight,  as  tight  as  if  air  and  sunshine  and 
Josiah  and  me  was  deadly  pisen.  And  as  we  mean- 
11 


272 


THE  SPICER  CHILDREN. 


dered  on  round  the  house  by  winder  after  winder 
and  door  after  door,  shet  up  as  tight  as  glass  and 
blinders  could  make  ’em,  I’ll  be  hanged  if  it  didn’t 
seem  some  as  if  it  was  war  time,  and  Josiah  and  me 
was  two  Hessian  troopers,  a tryin’  to  break  in  and 
couldn’t. 

At  last,  way  on  the  back  side  of  the  house,  we  come 
to  a little  wood-house  built  on,  and  there  we  see  the 
first  sign  of  life.  The  door  was  open  and  three  little 
childern  sot  out  in  a row  by  the  side  of  the  house,  on 
a clean  board.  They  looked  lonesome;  tliey  was 
ruffled  off  dretful  nice,  and  their  shoes  shone  like 
glass  bottles,  but  they  looked  awful  old  and  care- 
worn in  their  faces. 

^^Does  Mahala  Spicer,  she  that  was  Mahala  Allen 
live  here  ? ” says  I to  the  oldest  one.  She  looked  in 
her  face  as  if  she  might  be  a hundred  years  of  age, 
but  from  her  size  she  wasn’t  probable  more’n  nine  or 
nine  and  a half. 

Yes  mom,”  says  she,  sort  o’  turnin’  her  eyes  at 
me,  but  she  never  moved  a mite. 

Says  I,  Is  she  to  home  ? ” 

Yes  mom.” 

Says  I,  Speakin’  as  a investigator,  what  are  you 
settin’  there  all  in  a row  for  ? Why  haint  you  out  a 
playin’  in  the  yard  this  nice  day  ?” 

As  I mentioned  the  idee  of  playin’,  their  faces,  as 
long  as  they  was  before,  lengthened  out  awfully,  and 
the  two  youngest  ones  kicked  right  out. 


TOO  MANY  RUFFLES, 


LIVING  IN  THE  WOOD-HOUSE. 


275 


Mother  wont  let  us  play ; ” says  the  oldest  one  in 
bitter  axents.  She  says  we  should  muss  up  our 
ruffles,  and  rip  oS  the  knife  pleatin’s.” 

Get  our  shoes  dusty,”  says  the  next  one  in  vicious 
tones. 

Tear  our  over-skirts,”  says  the  four  year  old  in 
loud  angry  axents,  and  again  she  kicked  right  out,  and 
every  one  of  ’em  looked  bitterly  mad,  and  morbid ; a 
morbider  lot  of  faces  I never  laid  eyes  on.  I didn’t 
say  nothin’  more,  but  I looked  at  Josiah,  and  Josiah 
looked  at  me  ; we  felt  curious.  But  anon,  or  pretty 
near  that  time,  I found  and  recovered  myself  and  so 
did  Josiah,  and  we  walked  up  to  the  door  and  knocked. 

Come  in,”  says  a voice  in  a kind  of  a sharp  tone, 
as  if  the  owner  of  the  voice  was  awful  busy  and  care- 
worn. So  I and  my  companion  walked  in.  It  was  as 
comfortable  a room  as  wood-houses  generally  be,  but 
of  course  there  wasn’t  much  grandeur  to  it.  There 
was  about  a dozen  clean  boards  laid  along  one  side 
for  a floor  and  on  it  a cook  stove  was  sot,  and  right 
by  it  was  a sewin’  macliine,  and  Mahala  set  by  it  a 
sewin’.  But  I’ll  be  hanged  if  I could  see  in  that  min- 
ute, one  of  Mahala  Spicer’ses  old  looks ; she  looked 
so  thin  and  care-worn  and  haggard.  And  if  she  is 
one  of  the  relations  on  Josiah  side.  I’ll  say,  and  I’ll 
stick  to  it  that  she  looked  as  cross  as  a bear.  I 
shouldn’t  have  had  no  idee  who  she  was,  if  I hadn’t 
seen  her  there.  She  knew  Josiah  and  me  in  a minute 
for — though  I do  say  it  that  shouldn’t — folks  say 


276 


A MODEL  HOUSEKEEPER. 


that  my  companion  Josiah,  and  myself  do  hold  our 
looks  wonderful.  And  bein’  (sometimes)  so  affection- 
ate towards  each  other  in  our  demeanor,  we  have 
several  times  been  took  for  a young  married  couple. 

I should  .judge  there  was  from  half  a bushel  to 
three  pecks  of  ruffles  and  knife  pleatin’s  that  lay 
round  her  sewin’  machine  and  in  her  lap ; but  she 
got  up  and  shook  hands  with  us  and  invited  us  to 
take  our  things  off.  And  then  she  said,  bein’  as  we 
was  such  near  relations,  (all  in  the  family  as  it  were,) 
she  would  ask  us  to  set  right  down  where  we  was  ; it 
bein’  fly  time,  she  had  got  the  rest  of  the  house  all 
shet  up  tight;  had  jest  got  it  cleaned  out  from  top 
to  bottom,  and  she  wanted  to  keep  it  clean. 

I didn’t  say  nothin’,  bein’  one  that  is  pretty  close 
mouthed  naturally ; but  I kep’  up  considerable  of  a 
thinkin’  in  rny^ mind.  After  we  sot  down,  she  give 
a kind  of  a anxious  look  onto  the  floor,  and  she  see  a 
little  speck  of  dirt  that  had  fell  off  of  Josiah’s  boots, 
and  first  we  knew  she  was  a wipin’  it  up  with  a mop. 
Josiah  felt  as  cheap  as  the  dirt,  I know  he  did,  and 
cheaper ; but  he  didn’t  say  nothin’,  nor  I nuther. 

She  said  then,  if  we’d  excuse  her  she’d  keep  right 
on  with  her  work,  because  she  had  got  dretful  behind- 
hand in  ruffles’  She  said  it  kep’  her  every  minute  of 
her  spare  time  to  work  a makin’  ruffles  in  order  to 
keep  herself  decent,  and  make  the  childern  keep  up 
with  other  folks’es  childern.  So  she  nipped  to  and 
worked  away  dretfully,  and  every  time  the  door 


RUFFLES  AND  FLIES. 


277 


opened  she  would  look  up  with  such  a wild  anxious 
gaze,  horrified  seeminly,  for  fear  a fly  would  git  in  ; 
and  every  time  Josiah  or  her  husband  (that  man  at 
the  barn  did  prove  to  be  her  husband)  would  move, 
she  would  run  after  ’em,  and  wipe  ’em  up  with  a 
mop.  It  was  a curious  time  as  I ever  see  in  my  life. 
She  didn’t  seem  to  sense  anything  only  ruffles  and 
such  like.  Her  mind  all  seemed  to  be  narrowed 
down  and  puckered  up,  jest  like  trimmin’,  nothin’ 
free  and  soarin’  about  it  at  all — though  she  would 
talk  some  about  fly  time,  and  how  hard  it  was  to 
keep  ’em  out  of  the  house,  and  once  she  asked  me 
which  I preferred  for  mops,  rags  or  tow. 

I tried  to  make  talk  with  her ; and  says  I,  in  a real 
friendly  way : 

You  have  got  three  good  lookin’  childern  Mahala.” 

^^Yes,”  says  she,  three  and  three  is  six,  and 
three  is  nine,  and  three  is  twelve,  and  three  is  fifteen  ; 
fifteen  ruffles  at  the  least  calculation,  to  make  ’em 
look  decent,  and  like  other  folkes’es  childern  ; and 
the  biggest  one  ought  to  have  six.” 

Says  I,  ‘‘  Your  husband  looks  as  if  he  might  be  a 
good  man,  and  a good  provider.” 

Yes,”  says  she,  he  means  well,  but  he  is  a awful 
hand  to  let  in  flies.  Two  years  ago  this  summer  he 
let  in  four  at  one  time  into  my  best  room,  I counted 
them  as  I drove  ’em  out.  I got  so  wore  out,  a chasin’ 
’em,  and  a tryin’  to  keep  decent,  that  I made  up  my 
mind  that  we  would  live  out  here. 


278 


RUSKIN  AND  APPLES. 


You  don’t  keep  a girl,  it  seems?  ” 

^^No,”  said  she,  1 cannot  get  one  to  suit  me. 
When  I do  my  work  myself  I know  how  it  is  done.” 

Then  I atted  her  on  other  subjects ; says  I,  Do  you 
see  the  Atlantic,  and  Scribner’s,  and  Peterson’s  and 
Harper’s,  this  summer?  they  are  awful  interestin’.” 

Says  she,  haint  seen  the  ocean  sense  I was 
married ; and  the  other  families  you  speak  of  don’t 
live  any  where  near  us.” 

Says  I,  Have  you  read  Euskin,  Mahala?” 

1 was  all  engaged  in  it  at  that  time  for  Thomas  J. 
was  a readin’  it  out  loud  evenin’s — dretful  interestin’ 
readin’,  made  you  feel  as  if  you  never  got  acquainted 
with  the  world  till  he  introduced  you. 

^^Red  Pnskin,”  says  slie  with  a dreamy  mean,  it 
seems  as  if  we  have  got  some  winter  apples  by  that 
name,  though  I can’t  tell  for  certain.” 

Then  truly  I tliought  to  myself,  I had  got  to  the 
end  of  my  chain.  I said  no  more,  but  sot  silently 
knittin’,  and  let  her  foller  her  ovrn  bent. 

And  there  was  truly  as  curious  doin’s  as  I ever  see. 
The  little  childern  couldn’t  move  for  fear  they  would 
soil  their  clothes  or  muss  their  ruffles.  Her  husband 
couldn’t  take  a step  hardly  without  bein’  follered 
round  by  a mop,  and  exhorted  about  lettin’  in  flies, 
though  he  didn’t  realize  his  sufferin’s  so  much  as  he 
would,  for  he  was  to  the  barn  the  most  of  the  time; 
he  had  a chair  out  there,  Josiah  said,  and  kinder  made 
it  his  home  in  the  manger. 


HOME  AND  COMFORTS. 


279 


When  she  got  supper,  we  had  enough,  and  that  that 
was  good  ; but  we  eat  on  a oil-cloth  because  it  was 
easier  to  keep  clean  than  a table  cloth,  and  we  eat  on 
some  awfuhold  poor  lookin’  dishes,  she  said  she  had 
washed  up  her  best  ones,  and  put  ’em  away  so’s  to 
keep  the  dust  out  of  ’em,  and  she  didn’t  want  to  open 
the  cupboard,  for  fear  of  lettin’  in  a fly.  And  when 
we  went  up  stairs  to  our  room  that  night,  way  up  in 
tlie  front  bed-room,  it  was  carpeted  all  the  way,  the 
hall  and  stairs,  and  our  room,  with  shinin’  oil  cloth. 
You  could  see  your  faces  in  it,  but  it  seemed  awful 
.sort  o’  slippery  and  uncomfortable.  There  wasn’t  a 
picture  nor  a bracket  nor  a statute  on  any  of  the  walls ; 
she  said  her  husband  wanted  some,  but  she  wouldn’t 
have  ’em  they  catched  dust  so.  The  sheets  and 
piller  cases  was  starched  stiff  to  keep  clean  longer, 
and  ironed  and  pressed  till  they  shone  like  glass. 
My  companion  almost  slipped  up  on  the  oil  cloth 
when  he  went  to  git  into  bed,  and  as  he  lay  down 
between  the  stiff  shinin’  sheets,  he  says  to  me  in  sad 
tones : 

This  is  a slippery  time,  Samantha.” 

I was  a takin’  off  my  head-dress,  and  didn’t  reply 
to  him,  and  he  says  to  me  in  still  more  pitiful  and 
lonesome  tones : 

Samantha,  this  is  a slippery  time.” 

His  tone  was  very  affectin’,  very ; and  I says  to 
him  soothinly,  as  I undid  my  breast-pin,  and  took 
^ff  my  collar : 


280 


A SLIPPERY  TIME. 


‘^Lgbs  make  the  best  of  what  we  can't  help  Josiah.’^ 
But  though  my  tone  was  soothin’,  it  didn’t  seem  to 
soothe  him  worth  a cent,  for  says  he  in  tremblin’ 
tones: 

I am  a sufferer  Samantha,  a great  sufferer.” 

Truly  as  Josiah  said,  it  was  a slippery  time,  and 
then  not  bein’  used  to  be  follered  round  and  wiped 
up  by  a mop,  it  all  wore  on  him.  Says  he,  speakin’ 
out  ill  a louder,  sort  o’  fiercer  tone : 

“ Have  we  got  to  stay  in  this  house  Samantha,  one 
minute  longer  than  to-morrow  mornin’  at  sunrise  ? ” 
Says  I,  “We  will  set  sail  from  here  some  time  in 
the  course  of  the  day.”  For  truly  I thought  myself 
I couldn’t  stand  the  doin’s  much  longer ; and  then 
Josiah  went  on  and  told  me  what  Philander  had  told 
him ; he  said  Philander  said  he  was  completely  wore 
out.  He  was  a good  lookin’  sort  of  a man,  and  one 
that  would,  I thought,  under  other  and  happier  cir- 
cumstances, love  a joke;  but  his  spirit  was  all  broke 
down  now.  He  told  Josiah  it  was  done  by  a mop, 
by  bein’  run  after  with  a mop ; he  said  it  would 
break  down  a leather  man  in  a year;  lie  said  he 
drather  set  out  doors  all  winter  then  go  into  the  house  ; 
he  said  he  made  it  his  home  to  the  barn  the  most  of 
the  time — lived  in  the  manger.  He  said  when  he 
first  commenced  life,  he  had  a young  man’s  glowin’ 
hopes  in  the  future;  he  had  loftier,  higher  aims  in 
life ; but  now  his  highest  ambition  was  to  keep  house 
by  himself  in  the  barn,  live  alone  there  from  year  to 


FLY  HUNTIN’. 


281 


year,  go  jest  as  nasty  as  lie  could,  live  on  files,  and 
eat  dirt;  he  talked  reckless  and  wild. 

^‘But”  says  lie,  I should  try  it,  she  would  be 
out  there  a scourin’  the  rafters ; before  I had  been 
there  half  an  hour,  she  would  be  out  there  with  her 
mop.  I hope,”  says  he,  that  I am  a Christian  ; but,” 
says  he,  I dassant  express  the  feelin’  I have  towards 
mops.  Ministers  of  the  Gospel  would  call  it  a wicked 
feelin’,  and  so  I shant  never  try  to  tell  any  one  how  I 
feel  towards  ’em;  mops  is  what  I bury  deep  in  my 
breast.” 

Josiah  said  he  spoke  to  him  about  how  anxious  and 
haggard  his  wife  looked,  and  how  wild  and  keen  her 
eyes  was. 

^‘Tes,”  say  she,  ‘^she  got  that  look  a chasin’  files; 
she  wont  let  one  come  within  half  a mile  of  the  house 
if  she  can  help  it ; and,”  says  he,  she  would  be  glad 
to  keep  me  a horseback  a helpin’  her  chase  ’em  off ; 
but  I wont”,  says  he,  with  a gloomy  look,  never 
will  take  a horse  to  it;  I’ll  run  ’em  down  myself 
when  she  sets  me  at  it,  but  I wont  chase  ’em  a 
horseback  as  long  as  my  name  is  Philander  Spicer.” 

The  doin’s  there  wore  on  Josiah  dretfully,  I could 
see.  Two  or  three  times  after  he  got  into  a nap,  he 
started  up  a shoutin’ : 

There  is  one  ! catch  it ! take  holt  of  ’em  Nance.” 

Oh,  how  I pitied  my  pardner,  for  I knew  he  was  on 

the  back  of  a Nite-Mare  (as  it  were)  a chasin’  flies ; 

and  then  he’d  kinder  shy  off  one  side  of  the  bed,  and 
11* 


282 


TWO  TREASURES. 


I’d  liuiicli  him,  and  he’d  say  there  was  a hull  regi- 
ment of  wimmeu  after  him  with  mops. 

But  towards  mornin’  I got  a little  good  sleep,  aiid 
80  did  he. 

The  next  mornin’  Mahala  kinder  atted  me  about 
my  house ; said  she  s’posed  it  wasn’t  half  as  nice, 
nor  furnished  near  so  well  as  hern.  Her  mean  was 
proud,  and  I could  see  she  felt  hauty  with  her  nice 
things,  though  I couldn’t  see  half  on  ’em  when  she 
led  me  through  the  rooms  they  was  so  shet  up  and 
dark,  dark  as  a dark  pocket,  a most ; and  the  air  was 
musty  and  tight,  tight  as  a drum ; she  said  she  didn’t 
air  it  only  in  the  night  for  fear  of  flies. 

Says  she  again,  s’pose  your  house  haint  fur- 
nished near  so  nice  as  mine.” 

Says  I,  I have  got  two  elegant  things  in  my 
house  that  you  Haint  got  in  yourn,  Mahala.” 

What  are  they  ? ” says  she. 

Says  I,  ‘‘  Sunshine  and  air ; ” says  I,  our  house 
haint  a big  one,  but  it  is  comfortable  and  clean,  and 
big  enough  to  hold  Josiah  and  me,  and  comfort,  and 
the  childern.”  Says  I,  ^^My  parlor  looks  well,  every- 
body says  it  does.  The  carpet  has  got  a green  ground 
work  that  looks  jest  like  moss,  with  clusters  of  leaves 
all  scattered  over  it,  crimson  and  gold  colored  and 
russet  brown,  that  look  for  all  the  world  as  if  they 
might  have  fell  offen  the  maple  trees  out  in  the  yard 
in  the  fall  of  the  year.  I have  got  a good  honorable 
set  of  chairs ; two  or  three  rockin’  chairs,  and  a settee 


SUNSHINE  AND  CARPETS. 


283 


covered  with  handsome  copper-plate;  lots  of  nice 
pictures  and  books,  for  Thomas  J.  will  have  ’em,  and 
I am  perfectly  willin’  and  agreeable  in  that  respect.” 
Says  I,  Everybody  says  it  is  as  pleasant  and  cozy  a 
room  as  they  ever  laid  eyes  on;  and  that  room, 
Mahala,  is  open  every  day  to  my  companion  Josiah, 
fresh  air,  sunshine,  myself  and  the  childern;”  says 
I,  ^^when  we  have  got  our  work  done  up  and  want 
to  rest,  there  is  the  place  we  go  to  rest  in ; it  makes 
anybody  feel  as  chirk  again  as  a poor  dull  lookin’ 
room ; and  what  under  the  sun  do  I want  of  a 
pleasant  bright  lookin’  room  if  it  haint  to  take  some 
comfort  with  it  ? ” 

Says  she,  with  a horrified  look,  ^‘the  idee  of  lettiii’ 
the  sunshine  in  on  a nice  carpet ; it  fades  ’em,  it  fades 
green  awfully.” 

Says  I,  ^‘My  carpet  haint  fadin’  colors,  and  if  it 
was,  there  is  more  where  that  come  from.  But,”  says 
I,  there  is  other  things  that  fade  besides  carpets ; ” 
says  I,  ‘‘  there  is  such  a thing  as  fadin’  all  the  green- 
ness and  brightness  of  life  out;”  says  I,  had 
ruther  have  my  carpet  fade,  than  to  have  my  childern’s 
fresh  gayety,  and  my  companion’s  happiness  and  com- 
fort fade  out  as  grey  as  a rat ; ” says  I,  the  only 
way  to  git  any  comfort  and  happiness  out  of  this  old 
world,  is  to  take  it  as  you  travel  on,  day  by  day,  and 
hour  by  hour.” 

Says  I,  In  my  opinion  it  is  awful  simple  to  stent 
yourselves,  and  scrimp  yourselves  along  all  your  lives 


A MODEL  WIFE. 


lookin’  for  some  future  time,  fur  ahead,  when  you  are 
goin’  to  enjoy  things  and  live  agreeable ; ” says  I,  if 
such  folks  don’t  look  out,  the  street  of  By  and  By 
they  are  travellin’  on,  will  narrow  down  to  that  road 
tliat  is  only  broad  enough  for  one  to  travel  on  it  at  a 
time,  and  the  house  they  are  expectin’  to  take  so 
much  comfort  in,  will  have  a marble  door  to  it,  and 
be  covered  over  with  the  grasses  of  the  valley.” 

My  tone  was  as  solemn  as  solemn  could  be  a most, 
but  good  land ! she  didn’t  sense  it  a mite ; it  seemed 
as  if  she  follered  us  round  with  a mop  closer  than 
ever,  and  the  minute  she  got  her  work  done  up  she 
went  right  to  her  ruffles  again ; she  didn’t  take  time 
to  change  her  dress  or  comb  her  hair  or  anything. 
Her  dress  was  clean  enough,  but  it  was  faded  and 
considerable  ragged,  and  not  a sign  of  a collar  or 
cuff;  and  her  hair,  which  was  Avavy  and  crinkly 
naturally,  and  would  have  been  glad  to  curl,  was 
tucked  up  tight  in  a little  wad  at  the  back  side  of  her 
head,  to  save  work  a combin’  it.  I didn’t  see  much 
of  Philander,  for  he  stayed  to  the  barn  the  most  of 
the  time,  though  he  seemed  to  have  a desire  to  use  us 
well,  and  every  little  while  he  would  come  in  and 
visit  a few  words  with  us;  but  he  acted  awful  uneasy, 
and  low  spirited,  and  meachin’,  and  I was  most  glad 
every  time  when  he’d  git  started  for  the  barn,  and 
she’d  set  her  mop  down,  for  she’d  scold  him  about 
flies  and  exhort  him  about  dust,  and  foller  him  round 
with  a mop  most  every  moment.  She  had  in  the 


SAMANTHA’S  DRESS  LOOKED  DOWN  ON.  285 


neighborhood  of  a bushel  of  ruffles  a layiffl  bj  her, 
and  she  said  she  must  stitch  ’em,  and  pucker  ’em  S-U 
that  day,  and  her  face  looked  so  care-worn  and  haggard 
as  she  said  it,  that  I almost  pitted  her ; and  I says  to 
her  in  tones  about  half  pity,  and  half  rebuke : 

What  makes  you  lay  so  to  ruffles  Mahala,  it  is  a 
wearin’  on  you  and  I can  see  it  is.” 

^^Oh,”  says  she,  and  she  nipped-to,  harder  than 
ever  as  she  said  it : I do  it  because  other  folks  do. 
They  wear  ruffles  a sight  now.” 

But  I says  in  cahn  tones : “ Have  you  got  to  be  a 
fool  Mahala,  because  they  be  ? ” 

She  didn’t  answer  me  a word,  only  kep’  right  on 
her  ruffles  as  if  they  was  cases  of  life  and  death,  and  1 
continued  on  in  reasonable  axents. 

^^1  am  considerable  dressy  myself,  and  in  the  name 
of  principle  I believe  it  is  every  woman’s  duty  to 
look  as  well  and  agreeable  as  she  can,  especially  if 
she  has  got  a companion  to  show  off  before.” 

As  I said  this,  she  give  as  scornful  and  humiliatin’ 
a look  onto  my  overskirt  as  I ever  see  looked.  It  was 
my  new  grey  dress,  all  trimmed  off  on  the  age  of 
the  overskirt  with  a plain  piece  cut  ketrin’  ways  of 
the  cloth,  and  stitched  on.  It  looked  well,  but  I see 
she  despised  it,  because  it  wasn’t  ruffled ; she  showed 
it  plain  in  her  face,  how  fearfully  she  felt  alx)ve  the 
biasin’  piece  and  me ; she  despised  us  both,  and  acted 
so  hauty  towards  us,  that  I was  determined  to  give 
her  a piece  of  my  mind,  and  says  I again  firmly : 


286 


SAMANTHA^S  VIEWS  OF  DRESS. 


“ I believe  it  is  every  woman’s  duty  especially  if 
she  lias  got  a pardner,  to  put  her  best  foot  forred 
and  look  pleasant  and  agreeable  from  day  to  day,  and 
from  hour  to  hour.  But  in  my  mind  a woman  don’t 
add  to  her  good  looks  by  settin’  down  lookin’  like 
fury  for  nineteen  days,  a workin’  too  hard  to  speak  a 
pleasant  word  to  her  family,  or  give  ’em  a pleasant 
look,  for  the  sake  of  flauntin’  out  on  the  twentieth 
for  a few  hours,  to  show  ofi*  before  a lot  of  folks  she 
don’t  care  a cent  for,  nor  they  for  her.”  Says  I,  A 
middlin’  plain  dress  for  instance,  one  made  with  a 
plain  strip  set  on  the  bias  round  the  overskirt,  or 
sunthin’  of  that  sort,”  says  I,  such  a dress  with  a 
bright  healthy,  happy  face,  looks  better  to  me  than 
the  height  of  fashion  wore  with  a face  that  is  almost 
completely  worn  out  with  the  work  a makin’  of  it, 
drawn  down  by  care,  and  crossness,  and  hard  work 
into  more  puckers  than  there  is  on  the  rufiles;”  says 
I,  ‘^if  a woman  is  able  and  willin’  to  hire  her  clothes 
made,  that’s  a different  thing;  in  them  cases  let  wim- 
men  ruffle  themselves  off  to  their  heart’s  content,  and 
the  more  work  the  better  for  the  sewin’  wimmen.” 

1 don’t  think  Mahala  sensed  my  talk  much  of  any, 
for  she  was  nippin’-to,  sewin’  on  her  ruffles,  and  I 
heerd  her  say  seeminly  to  herself : 

Lemme  see  ; nine  yards  for  the  bottom  ruffle,  and 
a little  over.  Three  times  nine  is  twenty-seven,  and 
that  leaves  fourteen  yards  of  trimmin’  for  the  poley- 
iiay,  and  up  and  down  the  hack  will  he  seventeen 


AN  OLD  TYRANT. 


287 


more — lemme  see!  ” And  slie  was  a measurii]’  it  off 
with  her  hands.  Finally  she  seemed  to  sense  where 
she  was  for  a minute,  and  turned  to  me  with  a still 
more  haggard  look  onto  her  face. 

Says  she  : Mebby  you  have  heerd  about  it ; is  it 

so,  or  not?  1 must  know,”  says  she. 

Says  I,  in  anxious  axents,  for  she  looked  fearfully 
bad  : Is  it  your  childern’s  future  you  are  a worryin’ 
about?  Is  your  companion’s  morals  a totterin?  Is 
the  Human  Race  on  your  mind,  a tirin’  you,  Mahala  ? ” 

‘‘No  !”  says  she.  “It  haint  none  of  them  triflin’ 
things,  but  I heerd  a rumor  that  they  wasn’t  a goin’ 
to  wear  poleynays  trimmed  up  the  back.  Do  you 
know?  Can  you  tell  me  what  they  are  a goin’  to  do  ? 

Oh  ! what  a wild  gloomy  glarin’  look  settled  down 
onto  her  face  as  she  asked  me  tliis  question  : 

“ They^^  says  I,  a bustin’  riglit  out  almost  wildly, 
“ who  is  old  They  tliat  is  leadin’  my  sect  into  chains 
and  slavery  ? ” Says  I,  almost  by  the  side  of  myself 
with  emotion,  “ Bring  him  up  to  me,  and  lemme 
wrastle  with  him,  and  destroy  him.”  Says  I,  “ I 
hear  of  that  old  tyrant  on  all  sides.  If  he  gives  the 
word,  wimmen  will  drop  their  dresses  right  down  a 
yard  into  the  mud,  or  tack  ’em  up  to  their  knees; 
they  will  puff  ’em  out  like  baloons,  or  pin  ’em  back,  a 
bandegin’  themselves  like  mummies;  they  will  wear 
their  bunnets  on  the  back  of  their  necks  leavin’  their 
faces  all  out  in  the  sun,  or  they  will  wear  ’em  over 
their  forwards,  makin’  ’em  as  b]ind  as  a bat — leavin’ 


2S8 


THE  FATHER  OF  SLANDER  AND  LIES. 


the  backside  of  their  heads  all  out  to  the  weather; 
they  will  wear  low  slips  as  thin  as  paper,  or  be 
mounted  up  on  high  heels  like  a ostridge ; they  will 
frizzle  their  hair  all  up  on  top  of  their  heads  like  a 
rooster’s  comb,  or  let  it  string  down  their  backs  like 
a maniac’s ; and  if  I ask  ’em  wildly  why  these  things 
are  so ; they  say  they  do  it  because  They  do  it.  1 
find  old  They  at  the  bottom  of  it. 

And  where  does  all  the  slander,  and  gossip,  and 
lies  come  from?  You  find  a lie  that  there  wont  any- 
body father,  and  jest  as  sure  as  you  live  and  breathe, 
every  time,  you  can  track  it  back  to  old  They,  They 
said  it  was  so.  And,”  says  I,  growin’  almost  wild 
again,  who  ever  see  him  come  up  in  a manly  way 
and  own  up  to  anything?  Who  ever  sot  eyes  on 
him  ? A hidin’  himself,  and  a lyin’,  is  his  strong  pint. 
I hate  old  They  ! I perfectly  despise  the  old  critter.” 

I see  my  emotions  was  a renderin’  me  nearly  wild 
for  the  time  bein’,  and  with  a fearful  effort,  I collect- 
ed myself  together,  some,  and  continued  on  in  a 
more  milder  tone,  but  awful  earnest,  and  convincing: 
‘‘Fashion  is  king  and  They  is  his  prime  minister 
and  factorum ; and  between  ’em  both,  wimmen  is 
bound  hand  and  foot,  body  and  soul.  And,”  says  I 
in  a sort  of  a prophecyin’  tone,  “ would  that  some 
female  Patrick  Henry  or  George  Washington  would 
rise  up  and  set  ’em  free  from  them  tyrants.”  Says  I, 
“ It  would  be  a greater  victory  for  female  wimmen, 
than  the  one  the  male  sect,  mostly,  are  a celebratin’  to 
the  Sentinal  this  summer.” 


SPIDER  AND  FLY  TLME. 


289 


Sentinal ! ” says  she.  ‘‘  Celebrate ! ” she  murmur- 
ed in  enquirin’  axents. 

Yes,”  says  I,  ^‘haintyou  heerd  on  it  Mahala — 
the  big  Sentinal  that  is  to  Filadelfy says  I,  in  con- 
siderable dry  axents,  I didn’t  know  as  there  was  a 
dog  on  the  American  continent  but  what  had  heerd  of 
it,  and  talked  it  over — with  other  dogs.”  Says  I, 
‘‘  They  talked  about  it  to  Jonesville  more’n  they  did 
the  weather,  or  their  neighbors,  or  anything.” 

‘‘Well,”  says  she,  “ it  seems  as  if  I heerd  the  word 
once,  when  I was  a scrapin’  out  the  suller,  or  was  it 
when  I was  a whitewashin’  the  wood-house.  I can’t 
tell,”  says  she ; “ but  anyway  I know  I was  a clean- 
in’ sunthin’  or  other,  or  makin’  ruffles,  and  a workin’ 
so  hard  that  it  slipped  completely  out  of  my  mind.” 

I told  her  what  the  Sentinal  was,  and  says  I,  “I 
want  you  to  go  Mahala.  Josiah  and  T are  a goin’,  and 
it  will  do  you  good  to  git  away  from  home  a spell; 
you  can  git  some  good  girl  to  keep  house  for  you. 
S’posen  you  go  ? ” 

She  looked  at  me  as  if  she  thought  I was  as  crazy 
as  a loon. 

“ Go  ! ” says  she.  “ Go  ! why  it  will  be  right  in  fly 
time  and  spider  time.  Do  you  s’pose  that  anybody 
that  haint  a perfect  slouch  of  a housekeeper  would 
leave  their  house  in  fly  time  or  spider  web  time? 
Thank  fortin  nobody  can  find  a spider  web  in  my 
house  nor  my  wood-house.  I haint  one  to  let  things 
go  as  some  will,  and  go  off  on  pleasure  towers  right 
in  dog  days.” 


290 


WHAT  MAHALA  LEGGOI 


1 see  she  was  a twittin’  me  of  lettiu’  things  go,  and 
bein’  off  on  a tower,  and  my  high  mission  goared  me, 
and  principle  nerved  me  up  to  give  her  a piece  of  my 
mind  ; and  says  I to  her : 

There  is  cobwebs  a hangin’  from  your  brain  this 
minute  Mahala  Spicer,  inore’n  a yard  long.”  Says  I, 
You  have  chased  me  round  with  a mop,  and  kinder 
limbered  me  up,  so  I feel  like  marchin’  forred  nobly 
in  the  cause  of  Right ; — and  I say  to  you,  and  I say  it 
in  a friendly  way, — that  if  there  was  ever  any  bright- 
ness to  your  intellect,  there  is  dust  over  it  now  a 
inch  thick.  You  twit  me  about  lettin’  things  go,  and 
bein’  off  on  a tower  ; you  say  you  wont  let  things  go ; 
in  my  way  of  thinkin’  you  do  let  things  go  ; you  let 
all  the  beauty  and  brightness  of  life  go  ; all  the  peace 
and  enjoyment  and  repose  of  home  go ; all  your  hus- 
band’s and  childern’s  rest,  and  enjoyment,  and  love, 
and  respect  for  you,  go.  You  say  you  don’t  even  git 
time  to  look  into  a book  from  one  year’s  end  to  another. 
Think  of  that  great  world  of  delight  and  culture  you 
leggo.  You  say  you  don’t  find  time  to  step  or  look 
out  of  doors.  Jest  think  of  God’s  great  picture-book 
that  He  spreads  out  before  your  blind  eyes  from  day 
to  day — every  page  filled  with  wonder,  surprise  and 
admiration.  Think  of  how  that  book  looks  when  the 
leaf  is  turned  down  to  sunset,  or  when  it  is  turned  over 
to  bright  Indian  summer  and  etcetery.”  My  tone  was 
eloquent,  very  ; and  my  hand  waved  out  in  noble  waves 
as  I went  on : 


NATURE’S  GLORIES. 


291 


Jest  think  how  from  d‘dj  to  day  the  sun’  rises  in 
splendor  and  goes  down  in  heavenly  glory  ; how  the 
white  clouds  like  feathered  out  chariots  for  the  baby 
angels  to  ride  out  in,  float  over  the  beautiful  blue 
sky  unbeknown  to  you ; how  the  winds  kinder  rustle 
the  green  leaves  in  the  woods,  and  the  sun  shoots 
down  her  gold  arrers  tlirough  ’em,  a chasin’  the  cool 
shadders  over  the  green  moss,  and  never  catchin’  of 
’em.  How  the  white  lilys  fatigue  their  sweet  selves 
a perfumin’  the  air  and  the  roses  and  pinks  blush 
crimson  at  their  own  prettiness,  and  the  violets  hide 
their  blue  eyes  down  under  the  grass,  so  awful  pretty 
that  they  are  fairly  ashamed  of  themselves,  and  the 
ferns  wave  their  green  banners  in  triumphant  delight 
to  let  ’em  know  they  have  found  ’em  out.  How  the 
lake  changes  to  more’n  forty  pictures  a day,  every 
one  handsomer  than  the  other,  from  the  time  it  looks 
kinder  blue,  and  hazy,  and  dreamy  in  the  mornin’ 
twilight,  till  the  settin’  sun  makes  a shinin’  path  on 
it,  that  seems  to  lead  right  out  into  that  city  of  golden 
streets. 

Think  what  low  and  kinder  contented  songs  the 
brook  sings  to  the  pussy  willow,  and  what  the  willows 
whisper  back  to  the  brook.  How  the  birds  chirp  and 
twitter  and  sail  and  sing,  a well  behaved  melodious 
orkustre  givin’  free  tickets  to  everybody  ; and  your 
ears  as  deaf  as  a stun  to  it  all.  Think  of  all  these 
things  you  leggo  to  pore  over  ruffles  and  knife  pleat- 
in’s.  You  wed  to  be  a fine  musician — made  first-rate 


292 


MAHALA’S  CHOICE. 


music — and  that  melodious  job,  the  only  piece  of  work 
you  can  begin  on  earth  and  finish  up  in  heaven^  all 
that  happiness  for  yourself  and  family,  you  leggo.  If 
you  was  obleeged  to  do  all  this,  I should  pity  you  ; and 
if  you  was  obleeged  to  wear  yourself  down  to  a early 
grave — as  I see  you  are  a doin’, — leavin’  your  child- 
ern  plenty  of  ruffles  and  no  mother,  I should  pity  you ; 
but  your  husband  is  abundantly  able,  and  more’n 
willin’  to  hire  help  for  you  to  do  your  w^ork  decently 
and  comfortably,  and  leave  you  time  to  make  your 
home  a place  of  delight  and  rest  to  him  and  the 
childern.  But  instead  of  that,  instead  of  throwin" 
open  the  doors  of  your  heart  and  your  house  to  the 
free  air  of  heaven,  and  the  sunshine  ; — instead  of  keep- 
in’  your  husband’s  and  childern’s  love  and  rnakin’  their 
happiness  andjiisen  and  your  own  life  beautiful  by 
culture,  and  sweet  thoughts,  and  generous  deeds ; in- 
stead of  liftin’  your  eyes  heavenward  and  seein’  with 
the  eyes  of  your  soul  some  divine  ideal  and  pursuin’ 
after  it,  you  have  set  your  aim  in  life  on  a fiy  and 
chase  that  aim  blindly,  and  prefer  to  go  through  life 
on  all  fours  with  a scrub  rag.” 

If  you’ll  believe  it,  that  woman  was  mad  ; it  does 
beat  all  how  good  advice  will  make  some  folks  squirm  ; 
but  as  we  was  on  the  very  pint  of  leavin’,  I didn’t  care  a 
cent;  and  I didn’t  feel  in  the  least  mite  beholden  to 
her,  for  they  come  to  our  house  when  they  was  first 
married,  and  stayed  three  Tveeks  right  along,  and  I 
guess  they  didn’t  git  treated  much  as  she  treated 


GOOD  BYE. 


293 


Josiali  and  me.  I done  well  by  ’em — killed  a hen 
most  every  day — and  made  a fuss.  That  was  before 
she  touk  to  chasin’  flies;  she  was  bright  as  a new 
dollar,  didn’t  act  like  the  same  critter,  nor  henuther; 
that  was  before  he  had  the  nip  took  out  of  him,  by 
bein’  chased  round  b}^  a mop. 

I kissed  the  little  childern  all  a settin  still  in  a 
row — or  little  old  wimraen  1 ort  to  say,  bid  Mahala 
a glad  and  happy  good  bye,  and  then  we  went  out  to 
the  barn  and  took  leave  of  Philander  in  the  manger, 
and  sot  forred  again  on  our  tower. 


MELANKTON  SPICER  AND  HIS  FAMILY. 


PHILANDER  SPICER  told  Josiah  and  me  that 
he  did  wish  we  would  stop  and  visit  his  brother 
Lank,  seein’  we  had  to  pass  right  by  his  house. 
Melankton  Spicer,  Philander’s  twin  brother,  married 
Mahala’s  sister  Delila  Ann,  makin’  ’em  double  and 
twisted  relations,  as  you  may  say.  And  we  told  him 
that  seein’  it  was  right  on  our  way  we  would  stop  a 
few  minutes,  but  ! guessed  we  wouldn’t  stay  long  for 
we  wasn’t  much  acquainted  with  ’em,  though  she  had 
visited  me  years  ago,  and  we  had  seen  ’em  to  Father 
Allen’s  once  or  twice. 

Philander  told  us  mebby  we  hadn’t  better  stay 
long,  for  they  had  hard  work  to  git  along;  he  said 
Delila  Ann  wasn’t  a mite  such  a turn  as  Mahala, 
for  whereas  Mahala,  havin’  a husband  that  was  well 
off,  would  work  and  scrub  every  minute  with  no  need 
on  it,  Delila  Ann,  havin’  married  a poor  man  who 

needed  lielp,  wouldn’t  work  a mite;  hadn’t  been  no 

294 


LANK  SPICER  WANTS  A BIBLE. 


295 


help  to  him  at  all  sense  they  was  married,  only  by 
puttin’  on  appearances,  and  havin’  seven  girls  and 
they  bein’  growed  up,  and  their  ma  not  allowin’  ’em 
to  do  a speck  of  work  only  to  dress  up  to  catch  a bo. 
Lank  had  to  work  from  mornin’  till  night  in  the  store 
where  he  was  a clerk,  and  then  set  up  half  the  night 
to  copy  papers  for  a lawyer,  to  try  to  pay  their  milli- 
ner bills  and  the  hired  girls;  but  he  couldn’t,  he  was 
in  debt  to  everybody.  And  he  didn’t  git  no  rest  and 
peace  to  home,  for  they  was  a teasin’  him  the  hull  time 
for  gold  bracelets  and  silk  dresses  and  things ; he  said 
they  lived  poor,  and  their  morals  was  all  run  down. 

Lank  hadn’t  ever  been  able  to  git  enough  ahead 
to  buy  a Bible;  he  hadn’t  nothin’  but  the  Pokrafy, 
and  a part  of  the  Old  Testament  that  had  fell  to 
him  from  his  grandfather,  fell  so  fur  that  the  ’postles 
and  all  the  old  prophets — except  Malachi — had  got 
tore  to  pieces,  and  he  was  battered  considerable. 
Philander  said  Lank  told  him  it  was  hard  work  to 
bring  up  a family  right,  with  nothin’  but  the  Pokrafy 
to  go  by,  and  he  wanted  to  git  a Bible  the  worst  way ; 
and  when  he  got  his  last  month’s  wages  he  did  mean 
to  git  enough  ahead  to  buy  one,  and  a sack  of  flour ; 
but  when  he  got  his  pay,  his  wife  said  she  was  suffer- 
in’ for  a new  gauze  head-dress,  and  the  seven  girls 
had  got  to  have  some  bobinet  n^ck-ties,  and  some  new 
ear-rings ; that  after  thev  had  got  these  necessarys, 
then,  if  there  was  anything  1-ft,  they  would  git  a sack 
of  flour  and  a Bible.  But  there  wasn’t,  and  so  they 


296  ANOTHER  CHANCE  FOR  MARTYRDOM. 


had  to  git  along  with  the  Pokrafy,  and  witliout  the 
sack  of  flour;  and  he  said  that  workin’  so  hard,  ai'd 
farin’  so  awful  bad,  Lank  was  a most  used  up ; he  said 
Lank  wasn’t  more’n  two  or  three  moments  older  than 
he  was,  but  he  looked  as  if  he  was  seventy-five  years 
old,  and  he  was  afraid  he  wouldn’t  stand  it  more  than 
several  months  longer  if  things  went  on  so. 

I said  to  myself,  when  Philander  wastellin’  us  this, 
here  is  mebby  another  chance  for  me  to  burn  my- 
self up  and  brile  myself  on  a gridiron  (as  it  were) 
in  the  cause  of  Right.  I felt  a feelin’  that  mebby  I 
could  win  a victory,  and  advise  Delila  Ann  for  her 
good.  And  so  I spoke  up  mildly,  but  with  a firm 
noble  mean  on  me,  and  says  to  him  : ‘^Philander,  we 
will  stop  there  an  hour  or  two.” 

When  we  got  to  the  village  where  Lank  lived, 
Josiah  said  he  guessed  he  would  go  right  down  to  the 
store  where  Lank  worked  and  see  him,  and  I might 
go  in  and  call  on  Delila  Ann.  A small  white-headed 
boy  with  tow  breeches  held  up  by  one  lonely  gallus 
told  me  he  would  show  me  the  way — the  same  boy 
oflPerin’  to  hitch  the  mare. 

It  had  been  a number  of  years  sense  I had  seen 
Delila  Ann,  and  I didn’t  s’pose  I should  know  her  if 
I should  see  her  in  my  porridge  dish.  Philander  said 
she  had  changed  so.  He  said  she  had  that  sort  of 
anxious,  haggard,  dissatisfied,  kinder  sheepish,  and 
kinder  bold  look — a mean  that  folks  always  git  by 
puttin’  on  appearances ; I’ve  heerd,  and  L believe, 


A BAD  SIT  DOWN. 


299 


that  is  jest  about  as  weariii’  a job  as  anybody  can 
git  into  to  foller  from  year  to  year.  There  didn’t 
seem  to  be  anything  hull  and  sound  about  the  front 
door,  except  the  key-hole;  but  it  had  a new  brass 
plate  on  it,  with  a bell  kinder  fixed  in  it,  and  the 
plate  bore  Lank’s  name  in  bold  noble  letters  which  I 
s’pose  was  a comfort  to  the  family,  and  rose  ’em  up 
above  the  small  afilictions  of  the  snow  and  rain  that 
entered  at  will,  and  when  they  was  a mind  to. 

The  white  headed  boy,  with  the  solitary  and  lone- 
some gallus,  said  to  me  as  he  stood  waitin’  for  the 
five  cent  bill  I was  a gettin’  for  him  out  of  my  port- 
mcney  : That  door  needs  mendin’  bad  ! ” 

I give  him  his  bill  and  started  him  off,  and  I was 
jest  a musin’  on  his  last  words,  and  thinkin’  that 
Lank’s  best  way  would  be  to  take  the  key-hole  and 
have  a new  door  made  to  it,  when  the  hired  girl  come 
to  the  door.  I told  her  who  I was  and  she  seemed 
to  be  kinder  flustrated  and  said  she’d  go  and  tell  the 
family.  And  I,  a standin’  there  in  the  hall,  and  not 
knowin’  how  long  she  would  be  gone,  thought  I 
would  set  down — for  it  always  tires  me  to  stand  any 
length  of  time  on  my  feet.  There  was  a elegant 
imposin’  lookin’  chair  by  the  side  of  a real  noble 
lookin’  table,  but  to  my  surprise  and  mortification 
when  I went  to  set  down,  I sot  right  down  throngli 
it,  the  first  thing ; I catched  almost  wildly  at  the 
massive  table  to  try  to  save  myself,  and  I’ll  be 
hanged  if  that  didn’t  give  way  and  spilte  on  my 
12 


300 


AN  ACCIDENT. 


hands,  as  you  may  say;  it  tottled  and  fell  right  over 
onto  me  ; and  then  1 see  it  was  made  of  rough  shackly 


boards,  but  upholstered  with  a gorgeous  red  and 
yeller  cotton  spread,  like  the  chair ; they*  both  looked 
splendid.  I gathered  myself  up,  and  righted  the  table 
murmurin’  to  myself,  ^^Put  not  your  trust  in  princes, 
nor  turkey  red  calico,  Josiah  Allen’s  wife;  set  not 
down  upon  them  blindly,  lest  you  be  wearied  and 
faint  in  your  mind,  and  lame  in  your  body.” 

I was  jest  a rehearsin’  this  to  myself,  when  the 
hired  girl  come  back,  and  says  I : 

‘‘1  am  glad  you  have  come,  for  I don’t  know  but  I 
should  have  brought  the  hull  house  down  in  ruins 
onto  me,  if  you  hadn’t  come  jest  as  you  did.” 


BEHIND  THE  SCENES. 


301 


And  then  she  up  and  told  me  that  that  chair  and 
table  wasn’t  made  for  use,  but  jest  for  looks ; she 
said  they  wanted  a table  and  a reception  chair  in  the 
hall,  and  not  bein’  able  to  buy  sound  ones,  they  had 
made  ’em  out  of  boards  they  had  by  ’em.” 

Well,”  says  I mildly,  I went  riglit  down  through 
the  chair  the  first  thing,  and  it  skairt  me.” 

I got  along  through  the  hall  first-rate  after  this, 
only  I most  fell  twice,  for  the  fioor  bein’  carpeted 
with  wall  paper  varnished  (to  be  oil-cloth  appariently) 
and  tore  up,  and  the  varnish  makin’  it  stiff,  it  was  as 
bad  as  a man-trap  to  catch  folks  in,  and  throw  ’em. 

Jest  before  we  got  to  the  parlor  door  I see,  that  in 
the  agitation  of  body  and  mind  I had  experienced 
sense  I come  in,  I had  dropped  one  of  my  cuff  buttons, 
nice  black  ones  that  I had  bought  jest  before  I started 
at  a out-lay  of  35  cents,  and  the  hired  girl  said  she 
would  go  back  for  it ; and  while  she  was  a lookin’ 
for  it — the  plasterin’  bein’  off  considerable,  and  the 
partition  jest  papered  over — I heard  ’em  a sayin’  and 
they  seemed  to  be  a cryin’  as  they  said  it : 

^‘What  did  she  want  to  come  here  for?  I should 
think  she  would  know  enough  to  stay  away.” 

To  think  we  have  got  to  be  tormented  by  seein’ 
her,”  says  another  voice. 

I hate  to  have  her  come  as  bad  as  you  do  child- 
ren,” says  a voice  I knew  was  Delila  Ann’s ; but 
we  must  try  to  bear  up.  under  it;  she  wont  stay 
probable  inore’n  two  or  three  lionrs.” 


302 


A HOUSE  OF  MOURNIN'. 


“ I thay,  I hope  she  wont  sthay  two  minith/’  says 
another  voice  with  a lisp  to  it. 

We  wont  let  her  stay,”  says  a little' fine  voice. 

I declare  for’t,  if  it  hadn’t  been  for  my  vow  I 
would  have  turned  right  round  in  my  tracks  ; but  1 
remembered  it  wasn’t  the  pious  folks  that  needed  the 
most  preachin’,  and  if  ever  promiscous  advisin’  seemed 
to  be  called  for,  it  was  now.  And  jest  as  I was  a 
rememberin’  this,  the  hired  girl  come  back  with  my 
cufi  button. 

The  minute  she  opened  that  parlor  door,  I see  that 
I had  got  into  the  house  of  mournin’.  The  room, 
which  resembled  the  hall  and  the  front  door  as  miicli 
as  if  they  was  three  twins,  seemed  to  be  full  of  braize 
delaine,  and  bobinet  lace,  and  thin  ribbin,  all  bathed 
in  tears  and  sobs.  When  I took  a closer  look,  1 see 
there  was  eight  wimmen  under  the  gauzes  and  friz- 
zles and  folderols  and  etcetery ; some  of  ’em  held 
dime  novels  in  their  hands,  and  one  of  ’em  held  a 
white  pup. 

The  moment  I went  in,  every  one  of ’em  jumped 
up  and  kissed  me,  and  throwed  their  arms  round  me. 
Some  of  the  time  I had  as  many  as  six  or  seven  arms 
at  a time  round  me  in  different  places,  and  every  one 
of  ’em  was  a tollin’  me  in  awful, warm  tones,  how 
glad,  how  highly  tickled  they  was  to  see  me;  they 
never  was  so  carried  away  with  enjoyment  and  happy 
surprise  in  their  hull  lives  before ; and  says  four  of 
’em  tenderly: 


THE  IISSIHE  RECEPTION. 


303 


You  must  stay  a week  with  us  anyway.’’ 

A week ! ” says  the  little  fine  voice,  that  haint 
nuthin’,  you  must  stay  a month,  we  wont  let  you  off 
a day  sooner.” 

“ No,  we  wont ! ” says  six  warm  voices,  awful  warm. 


APPARIENTLY  WELCOME. 


‘‘Sthay  all  thummer — do,”  says  the  lispin’  voice. 

Yes  do ! ” says  the  hull  seven. 

And  then  Delila  Ann  threw  both  her  arms  round 
my  neck,  and  says  she : 

Oh  if  you  could  only  stay  with  us  always,  how 
happy,  happy  we  should  be.”  And  then  she  laid  her 


304 


PITY  AND  SYMPATHY. 


head  right  down  on  my  shoulder  and  begun  to  sob, 
and  weep,  and  cry ; I was  almost  sickened  to  the 
stomach  by  their  actin’  and  behavin’,  but  the  voice  of 
sorrow  always  appeals  to  my  heart.  I see  in  a minute 
what  the  matter  was ; Lank  had  give  out,  had  killed 
himself  with  hard  work  ; and  though  I knew  she  was 
jest  as  much  to  blame  as  if  she  was  made  of  arsenic 
and  Lank  had  swallered  her,  still  pity  and  sympathy 
makes  the  handsomest,  shineyest  kind  of  varnish  to 
cover  up  folks’es  faults  with,  and  Delila  Ann  shone 
with  it  fi’om  head  to  foot,  as  she  lay  there  on  my 
neck,  wettiii’.  my  best  collar  with  her  tears,  and 
almost  tearin’  the  lace  oflen  it  with  her  deep  windy 
sithes.  I pitied  Delila  Ann,  from  prett}^  near  the 
bottom  of  my  heart ; I forgot  for  the  time  bein’  her 
actin’  and  behavin’ ; I felt  bad,  and  says  I: 

Then  he  is  gone  Delila  Ann,  I feel  to  sympathize 
with  you ; I am  sorry  for  you  as  I can  be.” 

Yes,”  says  she,  pretty  near  choked  up  with  emo- 
tion, he  is  gone ; we  have  lost  him.” 

I wept;  I thought  of  my  Josiali,  and  I says  in  trem- 
blin’ tones:  ^AYhen  love  is  lost  out  of  a heart  that 
has  held  it,  oh,  what  a goneness  there  must  be  in 
that  heart ; what  a emptyness ; what  a lonesomeness ; 
but,”  says  I,  tryin’  to  comfort  her,  ^^Lle  who  made 
our  hearts  knows  all  about  ’em ; Ilis  love  can  fill  all 
the  deep  lonesome  places  in  ’em  ; and  hearts  that  lie 
dwells  in  wont  never  break ; lie  keeps  ’em,  and  they 
are  safe  with  an  eternal  safety.” 


MOURNIN’  FOR  THE  DEAD. 


305 


All  the  hull  of  the  girls  was  a sobbin’,  and  one  of 
’em  sithed  out : Oh,  it  does  seem  as  if  our  hearts 
must  break,  right  in  to.” 

Then  I spoke  up  and  says  in  tremblin’  tones : If 
you  are  willin’  Delila  Ann,  it  would  be  amelancholly 
satisfaction  to  me  to  see  the  corpse.” 

The  girls  led  the  way  a sobbin’  and  sithin’,  and  I 
follered  on  kinder  holdin’  up  Delila  Ann,  expectin’ 
every  minute  she  would  faint  away  on  my  hands. 
We  was  a mournful  lookin’  procession;  they  led  the 


way  into  the  next  room,  and  led  me  up  to  a sofy,  and 
there  laid  out  on  a gorgeous  yeller  cotton  cushin,  lay 
a dead  pup ; I was  too  dumb-foundered  to  speak  foi 
nearly  half  a moment. 


306 


A PROOF  OF  GENTILITY. 


Oil ! what  feelin’s  I felt  as  I stood  there  a lookin’ 
on  ’em,  to  think  how  I had  been  a sympathizin’  and  a 
comfortin’,  a pumpin’  the  very  depths  of  my  soul 
to  pour  religious  consolation  onto  ’em,  and  bewailin’ 
myself,  a sheddin’  my  own  tears  over  a whiffet  pup. 
As  I thought  this  over,  my  dumb-founder  begun  to  go 
off  on  me,  and  my  mean  begun  to  look  different,  and 
awfuler;  I thrust  my  cotton  handkerchief  back  into 
my  pocket  again  with  my  right  hand,  and  drew  my 
left  arm  hautily  from  Delila  Ann,  not  carin’  whether 
she  crumpled  down  and  fainted  away  or  not ; I s’pose 
my  mean  apauled  ’em,  for  Delila  Ann  says  to  me  in 
tremblin’  tones : 

^^All  genteel  wimmen  dote  on  dogs.”  And  she 
added  in  still  more  tremblin’  tones,  as  she  see  my 
mean  kep’  a growin’  awfuler,  and  awfuler  every 
minute:  ‘^Nothin’  gives  a woman  such  a genteel  air 
as  to  lead  ’em  round  with  a ribbin.”  And  she  says 
still  a keepin’  her  eye  on  my  mean : I always  know 
a woman  is  genteel  the  minute  I see  her  a leadin’ 
’em  round,  and  I never  have  been  mistakin’  once; 
the  more  genteel  a woman  is,  the  more  poodle  dogs 
she  has  to  dote  on.” 

I didn’t  say  a word  to  Delila  Ann  nor  the  hull  set 
on  ’em,  but  my  emotions  riz  up  so  that  I spoke  right 
out  loud,  unbeknown  to  me ; I episoded  to  myself  in 
a deep  voice : 

Fathers  bein’  killed  with  labor,  and  a world  lay  in’ 
in  wickedness,  and  wimmen  dotin’  on  dogs;  hundreds 


VIRTUOUS  INDIGNATION. 


307 


of  thousands  of  houseless  and  homeless  childern  — 
little  fair  souls  bein’  blackened  by  ignorance  and  vice 
with  a black  that  can’t  never  be  rubbed  oflF  this  side  of 
heaven,  and  immortal  wimmen  spendin’  their  hull 
energies  in  keepin’  a pup’s  hair  white ; little  tender 
feet  bein’  led  down  into  the  mire  and  clay,  that  might 


GENTILITY. 


be  guided  up  to  heaven’s  door,  and  wimmen  utterly 
refusin’  to  notice  ’em,  so  rampant  and  sot  on  leadin’ 
round  a pup  by  a string.  Good  heavens ! ” says  I,  it 
makes  me  sweat  to  think  on  it ; ” and  I pulled  out  my 
12* 


308 


TWO  BAD  WORDS. 


cotton  handkerchief  and  wiped  my  forred  almost 
wildly.  I s’pose  my  warm  emotions  had  melted  down 
my  icy  mean  a very  little,  for  DeliJa  Ann  spoke  up  in 
a little  chirker  voice,  and  says  she : 

you  was  one  of  the  genteel  kind,  you  would 
feel  different  about  it;’’ says  she — a tryin’  to  scare 
me — mistrust  that  you  haint  genteel.” 

^^That  don’t  scare  me  a mite,”  says  I,  hate  that 
word  and  always  did,”  says  I still  more  warmly, 

there  is  two  words  in  the  English  language  that  I 
feel  cold,  and  almost  hauty  towards,  and  they  are 
^ affinity,’  such  as  married  folks  hunt  after,  and  ‘ gen- 
teel.’ I wish,”  says  I,  that  these  two  words  would 
join  hands  and  elope  the  country ; I’d  love  to  see 
their  backs,  as  they  sot  out,  and  bid  ’em  a glad  fare- 
well.” She  see  she  hadn’t  skairt  me,  and  the  thought 
of  my  mission  goared  me  to  that  extent,  that  I rose 
up  my  voice  to  a high  key  and  went  on  wavin’  my 
right  hand  in  as  eloquent  a wave  as  I had  by  me — 
I keep  awful  eloquent  waves  a purpose  to  use  on 
occasions  like  these — and  says  I : 

‘‘I  am  a woman  that  has  got  a vow  on  me;  I am  a 
Promiscous  Advisor  by  trade,  and  I can’t  shirk  out 
when  duty  is  a pokin’  me  in  the  side ; I must  speak. 
And  I say  unto  you  Delila  Ann,  and  the  hull  on  you 
promiscous,  that  if  you  would  take  off  some  of  your 
bobinet  lace,  empty  your  laps  of  pups  and  dime 
novels,  and  go  to  work  and  lift  some  of  the  burdens 
from  the  breakin’  back  of  Melankton  Spicer,  you 


REAL  LIFE  AND  DIME  NOVELS. 


309 


would  raise  yourselves  in  my  estimation  from  25  to 
30  cents,  and  I don’t  know  but  more,” 

“ Oh,”  says  Delila  Ann,  I want  my  girls  to  marry  ; 
and  it  haint  genteel  for  wimmen  to  work ; they  wont 
never  catch  a bo  if  they  work.” 

‘‘Well,”  saj^s  I almost  coldly,  “I  had  ruther  keep 
a clear  conscience  and  a single  bedstead,  than  twenty 
husbands  and  the  knowledge  that  I was  a father 
killer ; but,”  says  I in  reasonable  tones — for  I w^anted 
to  convince  ’em — ^“it  haint  necessary  to  be  lazy,  to 
read  dime  novels,  and  lead  round  pups,  in  order  to 
marry ; if  it  was,  I should  be  a single  woman  to-day.” 

“ Oh  I love  to  read  dime  novelth,”  says  the  lispin’ 
one;  ^‘I  love  to  be  thad  and  weep,  it  theemth  tho 
thweet,  tho  thingularly  thweet.” 

Says  I,  “ There  is  a tragedy  bein’  lived  before  your 
eyes  day  after  day  that  you  ort.  to  weep  over ; a father 
killin’  himself  for  his  wife  and  childern — bearin’  bur- 
dens enough  to  break  down  a leather  man — and  they 
a spendin’  their  time  a leadin’  round  whiffet  pups.” 

“ Whiffet  pups  ! ” says  Delila  in  angry  tones,  “ they 
are  poodles.” 

“Well,”  says  I calmly,  “whiffet  poodle  pups,  if 
that  suits  you  any  better,  it  don’t  make  any  particular 
difference  to  me.” 

Says  Delila  Ann,  “ I paid  seven  dollars  a piece  for 
’em,  and  they  have  paid  their  way  in  comfortin’  tlie 
girls  when  they  feel  bad;  of  course  my  girls  have 
their  dark  hours  and  git  low-spirited  when  they 


310 


TRUE  LOVE  ENNOBLING. 


teaze  their  pa  for  things  that  he  wont  biij  for  ’em ; 
when  they  want  a gold  butterfly  to  wear  in  their  hair, 
are  suflEerin’  for  it  or  for  other  necessaries,  and  their  pa 
wont  git  ’em  for  ’em  ; in  such  dark  hours  the  compan- 
ionship of  these  dear  dogs  are  such  a comfort  to  ’em.” 

Why  don’t  they  go  to  work  and  earn  their  own 
butterflies  if  they  have  got  to  have  ’em  ? ” says  I. 

Because  they  wont  never  marry  if  they  demean 
themselves  and  work.” 

Says  I,  It  haint  no  such  thing  ! A man  whose  love 
is  worth  havin’  would  think  the  more  of  ’em;”  and 
1 went  on  eloquently — do  you  s’pose  Delila,  that  the 
love  of  a true  man, — a love  that  crowns  a woman  more 
royally  than  a queen,  a love  that  satisfies  her  head 
and  her  heart  and  that  she  can  trust  herself  to  through 
life  and  death;  a love  that  inspires  her  to  think  all 
goodness  and  purity  are  possible  to  her  for  its  sake, 
— that  makes  her,  through  very  happiness,  more  hum< 
ble  and  tender  and  yet  fearless,  liftin’  her  above  ali 
low  aims  and  worryments ; do  you  s’pose  this  love 
that  makes  a woman  as  rich  as  a Jew  if  she  owms 
nothin’  on  earth  beside,  can  be  inspired  and  awakened 
by  a contemplation  of  sham  gentility  and  whiffet 
pups  ? Can  bobinet  lace  spangled  with  gilt  butterflies 
weave  a net  to  catch  this  priceless  treasure  ? Never  ! 
Delila  Ann  Spicer,  never ! that  is, — a love  that  is 
wortli  havin’ ; some  men’s  love  haint  worth  nothin’ ; 
I wouldn’t  give  a cent  a Imshel  for  it  by  the  car-load. 

But,  as  I said,  Delila  Ann  and  the  hull  eight  on  you 


POVERTY  NO  DISGRACE. 


311 


promiscous,  a earnest,  true,  noble  man  would  think 
as  much  again  of  a girl  who  had  independence  and 
common  sense  enough  to  earn  her  own  livin’  when 
her  father  was  a poor  man.  Good  land  ! liow  simple 
it  is  to  try  to  deceive  folks ; gauze  veils,  and  cotton- 
velvet  cloaks  haint  a goin’  to  cover  up  the  fact  of 
poverty;  if  we  be  poor  there’s  not  a inite  of  disgrace 
in  it.  Poverty  is  the  dark  mine  where  diamonds  are 
found  lots  of  times  by  their  glitterin’  so  ag’inst  the 
blackness.  The  darkness  of  poverty  can’t  put  out 
the  light  of  a pure  diamond ; it  will  shine  any  wliere, 
as  bright  in  the  dark  dirt  as  on  a queen’s  finger,  for 
its  light  comes  from  within ; and  rare  pearls  are 
formed  frequent  by  the  grindin’  touch  of  poverty, 
tears  of  pain  and  privation  and  patience  crystalized 
into  great  drops  of  light  that  will  shine  forever. 
Honest  hard  workin’  poverty  is  respectable  as  any- 
thing can  be  respectable  and  should  be  honored,  if 
for  no  other  reason,  for  the  sake  of  Him  who  eighteen 
hundred  years  ago  made  it  illustrious  forever.  But 
poverty  hidin’  itself  behind  the  appariently  ; poverty 
hidin’  itself  under  a sham  gentility  ; pretentious,  de- 
ceitful poverty — tryin’  to  cover  a empty  stomach  with 
a tinsel  breast-pin — is  a sight,  and  enough  to  make 
angels  weep,  and  sinners  sick.  Let  your  girls  learn 
some  honest  trade  Delila  Ann,  let  ’em  be  self-respect- 
in’, industrious — ” 

Oh  my  ! I wouldn’t  have ’em  miss  of  bein’  married 
for  nothin’  in  the  world.” 


312  the  maiden^s  desperate  prayer. 


“ Good  land’!  ” says  I.  Is  marryin’  the  only 
theme  that  anybody  can  lay  holt  of  ? It  seems  to  me 
that  the  best  way  would  be  to  lay  holt  of  duty  now, 
and  then  if  a bo  comes  lay  holt  of  him.  But  if  they 
catch  a bo  with  such  a hook  as  they  are  a fishin'  with 
now,  what  kind  of  a bo  will  it  be?  Nobody  but  a 
fool  would  lay  holt  of  a hook  baited  with  dime  novels, 
lazyness,  deceitfulness,  and  pups.  Learn  your  girls 
to  be  industrious  and  to  respect  themselves.  They 
can’t  now,  Delila  Ann,  I 'know  they  can’t.  No  wo- 
man can  feel  honorable  and  reverential  towards  them- 
selves, when  they  are  a foldin’  their  useless  hands 
over  their  empty  souls,  waitin’  for  some  man — no 
matter  who — to  marry  ’em  and  support  ’em.  When 
in  the  agony  of  suspense  and  fear  they  have  narrowed 
down  to  this  one  theme  all  their  hopes  and  prayers  : 

Good  Lord,  anybody ! ” But  when  a woman  lays 
holt  of  life  in  a noble  earnest  way,  when  she  is  duti- 
ful, cheerful,  and  industrious.  God-fearin’  and  self- 
respectin’,  thongh  the  world  sinks,  there  is  a rock 
under  her  feet  that  wont  let  her  down  fur  enough  to 

hurt  her  anv. 

«/ 

^‘Oh  dear ; ” says  Delila  Ann  again,  “ I should  think 
she  would  want  to  get  married — Avant  to  aAvfully.” 
Truly  everybody  has  their  theme,  and  marryin’  is 
hern.  But  I kep’  cool  and  says  I in  calm  axents, 
but  sort  o’  noble  and  considerable  eloquent : 

“ If  love  comes  to  board  with  her,  so  much  the 
better;  she  will  be  ready  to  receive  him  royally,  and 


WAITIN’  FOR  THE  TRUE  VOICE. 


313 


keep  him  when  she  gets  him — some  folks  don’t  know 
how  to  use  love  worth  a centj  can’t  keep  him  any 
length  of  firne.  Such  a woman  wont  git  crazy  as  a 
loon,  and  wild-eyed,  and  accept  the  wrong  man — so 
dead  with  fear  that  the  right  one  wmnt  be  forth  cornin’. 
She  wont  barter  her  truth  and  self  respect  for  a 
home  and  hoiisen  stuff,  and  the  sham  dignity  of  a 
false  marriage.  No  mom,  or  moms  ; though  a regi- 
ment of  men  are  at  her  feet  a askin’  her  in  pleadin’ 
axents  if  their  bride  she  will  be,  her  ears  will  be  deaf 
as  a stun  to  the  hull  caboodle  of  ’em,  unless  the  true 
voice  speaks  to  her;  and  she  wont  listen  wdth  the  ear 
of  flesh,  she  wont  hear  it  unless  her  soul  can  listen. 
Mebby  that  voice,  that  true  voice  is  soundin’  to  her 
heart  through  the  centuiies;  mebby,  like  as  not,  she 
was  born  a century  too  soon,  or  a hundred  years  too 
late — what  of  it?  That  don’t  scare  her  a mite,  she 
whll  keep  right  on  a livin’  jest  as  calm  and  collected 
and  happy  and  contented  as  anything,  till  the  eternal 
meetin’  of  true  souls  crowns  him  and  her  wdth  the 
greatness  of  that  love.  No,  Delila  Ann  Spicer,  such 
a woman  as  that,  no  matter  whether  she  be  single  or 
double,  I am  not  afraid  of  her  future.” 

What ! not  get  married  ! Oh  dear  me  suz,”  scream- 
ed Deiila  Ann,  for  truly  the  thought  seemed  to  scare 
her  nearly  to  death.  Oh  how  awful,  how  lonely, 
lonely,  they  must  be.” 

Who  said  they  wasn’t?  ” says  I in  pretty  middlin’ 
short  tones — for  she  was  a beginnin’  to  wear  me 


314 


MARRIED  LONELINESS. 


out  some — but  I continued  on  in  more  mild  axents: 

have  seen  married  folks  before  now,  that  I 
Tcnew  was  in  their  souls  as  lonesome  as  dogs  and  lone- 
somer,”  says  I,  a disagreeable!*  feelin’  I never  felt, 
than  to  have  company  that  haint  company,  stay  right 
by  you  for  two  or  three  days.  And  then  what  must  it 
be  to  have  ’em  stand  by  you  from  forty  to  fifty  years. 
Good  land ! it  would  tucker  anybody  out.  A desert 
haint  to  be  compared  to  a crowd  of  strangers ; woods 
can’t  be  compared  to  human  bein’s  for  loneliness, 
for  Nater  is  a friendly  critter,  and  to  them  that  love 
her,  she  has  a hundred  ways  to  chirk  ’em  up  and  com- 
fort ’em.  And  solitude  is  sacred,  when  the  world’s 
babble  dies  away,  you  hush  your  soul,  and  hear  the 
footfalls  of  the  Eternal.  Hear  His  voice  speakin’  to 
your  heart  in  better  thoughts,  purer  aspirations, 
nobler  idees.  No  ! for  pure  loneliness  give  me  the 
presence  of  an  alien  soul,  whose  thoughts  can  never 
be  your  thoughts,  whose  eyes  can  no  more  see  wdiat 
your  eyes  see  than  if  they  wore  leather  spectacles, 
whose  presence  weighs  you  down  like  four  Nite  Mairs 
and  a half.  And  if  for  any  reason,  fear,  thoughtless- 
ness, or  wantin’  a home,  you  are  married  to  such  a 
one,  there  is  a loneliness  for  you  Delila  Ann  Spicer.” 
But  she  kep’  right  on,  with  her  former  idees,  for 
she  felt  ’em  deeply. 

Oh  Dear!  I don’t  see  how  folks  git  along  that 
haint  married.  Nothin’  in  the  world  looks  so  poverty- 
struck,  and  lonesome  as  a woman  that  haint  married.” 


LOSS  OF  SELF-RESPECT. 


315 


says  I reasonably,  ^Hhey  do  have  a sort 
of  a oue  sided  look  I’ll  admit,  and  sort  o’  curious,  at 
certain  times,  such  as  processions,  and  etcetery;  I 
always  said  so,  and  I say  so  still.  But,”  says  I,  in 
my  opinion,  there  haint  no  lonesomeness  to  be  Com- 
pared to  the  lonesomeness  of  the  empty-headed  and 
aimless,  and  no  amount  of  husbands  can  make  up  to 
any  woman  for  the  loss  of  her  self-respect.  Them  is 
my  idees,  howsumever  everybody  to  their  own  mind.” 

Whether  I did  ’em  any  good  or  not  I don’t  know, 
for  my  companion  arrived  jest  that  moment,  and  we 
departed  onto  our  tower ; but  it  is  a sweet  and  com- 
fortin’ thought,  that  whether  you  hit  the  mark  you 
aim  at  or  not,  you  have  done  your  best  and  a good 
pile  of  arrers  somewhere  will  bear  witness  that  you 
have  took  aim,  and  fired  nobly  in  the  cause  of  Right 


EYER  sense  I had  married  to  Josiali  Allen,  I had 
heerd  of  Uncle  Zebulin  CofiSn,  what  a good  man 
he  was.  Every  time  Josiah  would  git  low  spirited 
and  kinder  back  slid  in  his  mind,  he  would  groan  out, 
Oh,  if  I could  only  be  as  good  as  Uncle  Zebulin  is  !” 
And  when  he  would  be  in  this  deprested  state,  if 
he  and  I would  laugh  out  kinder  hearty  at  sunthin’ 
the  childern  said  or  done,  he  would  mutter : 

“ Oh  Samantha,  what  would  Uncle  Zebulin  say  if 
he  should  hear  us  laurfi ! I don’t  believe  we  shall  ever 
get  to  be  so  good  as  he  is  in  this  world.” 

What  has  he  done  so  awful  good  ? ” I would  say. 
Why,”  says  Josiah,  Uncle  Zebulin  haint  laughed 
in  over  forty  years.  You  don’t  have  no  idee  what  a 
good  man  he  is.” 

That  don’t  raise  him  7 cents  in  my  estimation,” 
says  I.  What  else  has  he  done  so  uncommon  good  ? ” 
Oh,”  says  Josiah.  I don’t  know  of  anything  in 

316 


SHALL  WE  VISIT  THE  DEACON? 


317 


particular.  But  you  never  see  so  good  a man  as  he 

is.  He’s  made  a regular  pattern  of  himself.  lie 
never  smileSj  and  he  would  sooner  cut  off  anybody’s 
head  than  to  joke  with  ’em;  and  he  is  so  quick  to 
see  if  anybody  else  does  wrong.  He’ll  make  anybody 
feel  so  Avicked,  when  they  are  with  him  ; they’ll  see 
so  plain  how  much  better  he  is  than  they  be.  He  is 
so  uncommon  good,  that  I never  could  bear  to  stay 
there  ; I realized  his  goodness  so  much,  and  see  my 
own  wickedness  so  plain.  A dretful  good  man.  Uncle 
Zebulin  is,  dretful.” 

I knew  when  we  sot  out  for  the  Sentinal  that  we 
should  go  within  a few  miles  of  him ; we  had  got  to 
go  right  through  Loon  Towny  where  his  letters  was 
sent  to.  (Josiah  had  helped  him  to  money  to  pay  up 
a mortgage,  and  they  had  wrote  back  and  forth  about 

it. )  I beset  Josiah  to  stop  and  visit  him,  not  that 
I had  such  a awful  high  opinion  of  him,  but  I wanted 
to  go  more  out  of  curiosity,  a sort  of  a circus  feelin’ ; 
but  Josiah  hung  back,  and  I says  to  him  : 

Anybody  Avould  think  Josiah  Allen,  that  after 
praisin’  up  a Uncle  Zebulin  day  and  night  for  goin’ 
on  tAventy  years,  a man  would  be  willin’  to  let  his 
lawful  pardner  git  a glimpse  on  him;”  but  Josiah 
hung  back,  and  says  he  : 

He  is  so  tarnal  good,  Samantha,  you  haint  no 
idee  how  powerful  uncomfortable  and  unsatisfactory 
he  makes  wickeder  folks  feel.”  But  I says  cheerfully  : 
he  is  so  dretful  good  as  you  say,  he  wont  be 


318 


JOSIAH’S  PERVERSENESS. 


likely  to  hurt  us,  and  I don’t  go  for  comfort,  I go  in 
a sort  of  a menagery  way  ; and  also,”  I added  with 
dignity,  as  a P.  A.  and  a P.  I.” 

Well,”  he  kinder  whimpered  out,  mebby  it  is  all 
for  the  best.  We’ll  go  if  you  are  so  sot  on  it,  but 
there  don’t  seem  to  be  no  need  of  our  stayin’  any 
length  of  time.” 

^'“'Well,”  says  I,  we’ll  see,  when  we  git  there.” 

But  after  we  got  started  off  on  our  tower,  and  as 
we  drew  near  Loon  Town,  (thirteen  miles  from  Mel- 
ankton  Spicer’ses)  and  I spoke  to  Josiah  about  our 
visit  to  Uncle  Zebulin,  he  made  as  strange  of  it,  as  if 
he  never  had  heerd  of  the  idee;  said  he  never  had 
borrowed  any  trouble  about  it,  never  had  had  an  idee 
of  goin’  nigh  him. 

Then  what  made  you  say  so,”  says  1. 

Say  so  ! ” says  he  in  a wanderin’,  unbelievin’  tone, 
haint  said  so,”  says  he,  you  must  havedremp  it.” 

T argued  with  him  for  quite  a spell,  but  he  stuck  to 
it ; said  he  didn’t  blame  me  any  for  sayin’  it,  for  I had 
most  probable  dremp  it. 

It  madded  me  so  to  hear  him  go  on,  that  I wouldn’t 
multiply  no  more  words  with  him,  and  I should  prob- 
able never  have  sot  eyes  on  Zebulin  Coffin,  if  it  hadn’t 
been  for  a axident  that  took  place  jest  as  we  was  a 
enterin’  Loon  Town. 

I thought  there  had  been  sunthin’  kinder  loose  and 
shackly  about  the  buggy  for  some  time,  and  so  I says 
to  Josiah : 


AN  ACCIDENT  OR  JUDGMENT. 


319 


There  seems  to  be  suntliin’  wrong  about  the  buggy 
Josiah  Allen,  1 believe  the  whiffletrys  are  loose.’' 

^‘The  whiffletrj^s  are  all  right.  You  are  notional 
Samantha — wimmen  always  be,  not  havin’  such  strong 
firm  minds  as  we  men  have  they  git  the  hypo.” 

Says  I,  almost  coldly,  After  you  throw  us  out, 
and  kill  both  on  us,  mebby  you  wont  twit  me  of  havin’ 
the  hypo.” 

haint  never  killed  you  yet,  Samantha,”  says  he, 
and  you  have  been  a lookin’  out  for  it  for  the  last 
twenty  years.” 

But  that  man  hadn’t  hardly  got  the  words  out  of 


CHEATED. 


his  mouth,  when  all  of  a sudden  jest  what  I had  been 
bewarin’  him  of  happened  ; sun  thin’  did  break  down  ; 
he  said  it  was  the  ex.  But  everything  seemed  to  give 


320 


JOSIAH  YIELDS. 


way  all  of  a sudden  under  us;  I was  skairt,  very.  The 
old  mare  bein’  a orniment  to  her  sect  stopped  stun 
still,  so  there  wasn’t  no  killed  nor  wounded  to  repent 
on,  but  the  top  buggy  had  got  to  go  to  the  wagon  shop 
to  be  repaired  upon.  Josiah  acted  mad ; says  he : 

“ That  darned  man  cheated  me  on  that  buggy.  I’ll 
bet  a cent.  We’d  done  better  to  have  bought  a 
phantom  ; I told  you  so  Samantha  in  the  first  on’t.” 

Knowiii’  it  was  the  nater  born  in  every  man  to 
want  to  blame  somebody  or  sunthin’  in  a time  like 
this,  and  knowin’  if  anything  could  be  a comfort  to 
my  companion  that  would,  I didn’t  feel  like  arguin’ 
with  him  a mite  about  our  buyin’  or  not  buyin’  a 
phantom  to  ride.  I was  sorry  for  him,  but  feelin’ 
I had  a vow  onto  me,  and  knowin’  it  was  my  duty  to 
lock  arms  (as  it  were)  with  my  companion,  and  lead 
him  gently  back  if  T see  him  a strayin’  off  into  the 
wrong,  I says  to  him  in  a kind  of  a roundabout  way, 
but  mildly  and  firmly : 

“ When  dompanions  was  falsely  told  they  had  dremp 
things,  raebby  judgments  was  sometimes  sent  onto 
Josiahs’.” 

I had  hinted  this  in  a dretful  blind  way,  but  he  took 
it  in  a minute,  and  snapped  out  enough  to  take  my 
head  off. 

“ Well,  well ! I s’pose  we  can  go  to  Uncle  Zeb’s,  if 
you  are  so  sot  on  it,  while  this  is  bein’  mended  ; ” and 
he  added  with  a gloomy  face ; “ I guess  you’ll  have 

the  worst  on’t,  when  you  see  how  good  he  is.” 


THE  MAN  WHO  DROVE  US  OVER. 


821 


I felt  glad  to  go,  for  I had  a curious  feelin’  that  I 
was  needed  there  as  a Promiscous  Advisor ; as  if  I 
had  a job  there  to  tackle  in  the  cause  of  Right.  The 
blacksmith  sent  a boy  for  a man  that  did  such  jobs, 
and  in  a few  minutes  time  we  was  on  our  way  to 
Uncle  Zebulin  Coffin’ses.  It  was  a good  lookin’  iron 
grey  man,  about  the  age  of  Josiah  who  was  a carry  in 
us.  He  had  a nice  span  of  horses,  and  we  rode  in  a 
respectable  democrat  with  two  seats.  Josiah  sot  on 
the  front  seat  with  the  driver,  and  the  satchel  and 
umberell  and  I sot  on  the  back  seat.  After  we  had 
got  started,  the  man  spoke  up  and  says  he  : 

You  are  a goin’  over  to  Deacon  CoflSn’ses?” 

Yes,”  says  Josiah. 

His  face  grew  sad,  and  he  shook  his  head  in  a 
mournful  way. 

“ A dretful  good  man  the  Deacon  is.” 

Says  I,  Sunthin’  in  the  line  of  Paradise  Lost,  or 
the  Course  of  Time  ; sunthin’  like  Milton  or  Pollock, 
haint  he  ? ” 

Says  he  I haint  acquainted  with  the  gentlemen  yon 
speak  of.” 

He  looked  so  kinder  sharp  and  curious  at  me,  that  I 
spoke  up  again,  and  says  I : 

I have  got  the  idee  from  what  I have  heerd,  that 
he  is  sunthin’  like  them  books  I spoke  of.  Every- 
body knows  they  are  hefty  and  respectable,  but  some- 
how they  don’t  take  so  much  comfort  a perusin’  ’em  as 
they  do  in  admirin’  ’em  at  a distance -bein’  wrote 


322 


POLITE  MANNERS. 


in  blank  verse,  they  make  folks  feel  sort  o^  blank.’’ 

The  man  didn’t  answer  me  but  put  on  a still  more 
melancholly  and  deprested  look,  and  says  he : 

He  haint  smiled  in  more’n  thirty  years,  and  haint 
snickered  in  goin’  on  fifty.  It’s  curious,  how  anybody 
can  be  so  good  haint  it?  You  see,  I carry  passengers 
back  and  forth,  and  the  Deacon  rode  with  me  about 
a year  ago,  and  he  labored  with  me  powerful  about 
my  son  Tom,  Tom  Pitkins!  my  name  is  Elam 
Pitkins.” 

He  was  a settin’  on  the  same  seat  with  Josiah,  and 
they  had  been  a visitin’  together  like  old  friends. 
But  Josiah  turned  right  round  and  shook  hands  with 
him,  and  say  he:  ‘‘How  do  you  do  Mr.  Pitkins, 
happy  to  make  your  acquaintance,  sir.” 

And  then  he  took  his  hat  ofi,  and  held  it  in  his  lap 
for  a few  moments ; then  he  put  it  on  his  head  again. 
I was  almost  proud  of  that  man  at  that  minute,  to  see 
how  well  he  knew  what  belonged  to  good  manners; 
(I  had  took  him  in  hand,  and  tutored  him  a sight, 
before  we  sot  out  on  our  tower,)  and  bein’  Josiah’s 
teacher  in  politeness,  I wasn’t  a goin’  to  be  out  done  by 
him  ; so  I riz  right  up,  and  made  a low  curchy  and 
shook  hands  with  him.  The  democrat  jolted  jest 
then,  and  I come  down  pretty  sudden,  and  bein’  a 
hefty  woman  I sti*uck  hard — but  I didn’t  begreech  my 
trouble.  True  politeness  is  dear  tome;  true  court- 
esy is  a near  relation  to  principle,  as  near  as  2nd 


cousin. 


THE  PITKINS  FAMILY. 


828 


This  little  episode  over,  and  polite  manners  attend- 
ed to,  Elam  Pitkins  continued  on : 

‘‘  As  I say,  the  Deacon  give  it  to  me  strong  about 
my  son  Tom — he  made  me  feel  wicked  as  a dog — said 
Pd  be  the  ruination  of  him.  You  seethe  way  on’t 
was.  Loon  Town  is  a great  place  for  politics ; lots  of 
congressmen  make  it  their  home  here  summers,  and  so 
it  is  run  down  in  its  morals — lots  of  drinkin’  saloons, 
and  other  places  of  licenced  ruination,  and  billiard- 
rooms,  and  so  4th — and  Tom  bein  a bright,  wide-awake 
lad,  got  kinder  unstiddy  for  a spell.  You  know  boys 
at  that  age  take  to  fun  and  amusement  as  naterally  as  a 
duck  takes  to  water;  its  nater,  jest  as  much  as  the  sun 
is  nater  or  the  moon,  and  can’t  be  helped  any  more 
than  they  can.  Well,  his  ma  and  I talked  it  over;  I 
was  a great  case  to  read  nights — solid  books,  such  as 
Patent  Office  Reports  and  the  Dictionary  bein’  my 
holt — and  she  was  great  on  mendin’ — socks  bein’  her 
theme  and  stiddy  practice.  But  Tom  was  a gettin’ 
unstiddy ; and  we  talked  it  over  and  come  to  the  con- 
clusion that  these  occupations  of  ourn,  though  they 
was  as  virtuous  as  two  young  sheep’s,  still  they  wasn’t 
very  highlarious  and  happyfyin’  to  a boy  like  Tom. 
And  what  do  you  s’pose  we  did — his  ma  and  I ? Well 
sir,  if  you’ll  believe  it,  we  learnt  to  play  dominoes, 
that  woman  and  I did  and  both  on  us  a goin’  on  fifty. 
You  ort  to  seen  us  handle  them  dominoes  at  first! 
We’d  never  either  on  us  touched  one  before,  but  we 

kep’  at  it,  a studyin’  deep,  till  we  could  play  a good 
13 


324 


TAKING  A HAND. 


hand ; and  if.  I had  give  Tom  a 50  dollar  bill,  he 
wouldn’t  have  been  half  so  tickled  as  he  was  when  his 
ma  and  I sot  down  to  play  dominoes  with  him  for 
the  first  time. 

And  then  if  yon’ll  believe  it,  his  ma  and  I tackled 
the  checker  board  next,  and  mastered  that;  Tom 


COMPETING  WITH  THE  BAR-ROOM. 

beats  us  most  every  time,  and  I am  glad  on  it,  and 
his  ma  is  too.  Then  I got  a box  of  authors ; it 
don’t  take  near  so  much  mind  to  play  that  as  it  docs 
dominoes,  most  anybody  can  learn  that,  and  it  is  a 
beautiful  game — Thackuary  and  Dickens  and  all  on 
’em  painted  out  as  plain  as  day  on  ’em — and  we 
bought  lots  of  interestin’  books  wrote  by  these  very 


SAVING  TOM. 


325 


men  that  we  got  acquainted  with  in  this  way.  And 
before  winter  was  out,  I got  a set  of  parlor  crokay ; 
and  when  the  bar-room  winders  was  all  lit  up,  seem- 
inlv  a beconin’  Tom  and  others  like  him  to  come 
and  be  ruined,  we  lit  up  our  sittin’-room  winders 
brighter  still,  and  bein’  considerable  forehanded,  and 
thinkin’  it  is  cheaper  than  to  pay  whisky  bills,  and 
gamblin’  debts,  and  worse — we  lay  out — Tom’s  ma 
and  I do — to  have  fruit,  and  nuts,  and  pop-corn,  and 
lemonade  and  so  4th  every  evening;  and  Tom’s  mates 
are  made  welcome,  when  they  come.  Why  good 
land ! You  can’t  git  Tom  away  from  home  now 
hardly  enough  to  be  neighborly.  We  have  kep’ 
up  such  doin’s  year  after  year,  and  Tom  is  goin’  on 
twenty-two ; and  between  you  and  me — you  are 
related  to  Deacon  Cotfiii’ses  folks,  you  say  ? ” 

Yes,”  says  Josiah  and  I. 

Well,  you  look  so  sort  o’  friendly,  and  you’d  be 
apt  to  hear  of  it  any  way,  so  I’ll  tell  you ; Tom  got 
sweet  on  the  Deacon’s  Molly ; perfectly  smit  by  her, 
and  before  they  knew  it,  as  you  may  say,  they  was 
engaged.  Nater,  you  know,  jest  as  nateral  as  the 
sun  is,  or  the  moon,  or  anything ; but  when  Tom  told 
us  about  it,  and  we  had  always  been  so  kind  of 
familiar  with  him,  sort  o’  mated  wdth  him,  that  it 
come  nateral  in  him  to  confide  in  us — he  thinks  a 
sight  on  us  Tom  does — T told  him  to  be  honorable 
and  manly,  and  tackle  the  old  Deacon  about  it.  Tom 
is  brave  as  a lion — he  wouldn’t  hang  back  a inch  from 


326 


TOM  AND  MOLLY. 


bears  or  tigers  or  crocky diles  or  anything  of  the  kind — 
but  when  I mentioned  the  idee  of  his  tacklin’  tlie  old 
Deacon,  I’ll  be  hanged  if  Tom  didn’t  flinch,  and  hang 
back.  Says  he: 

I hate  to ; I hate  to  go  near  him,  he  is  such  a good 
man  ; ” says  he,  he  makes  me  feel  as  if  I could 
crawl  through  a knot  hole,  as  if  I wanted  to.” 

But  my  advice  to  Tom  was  from  day  to  day, 
‘^tackle  the  old  Deacon.” 

And  finally  Tom  tackled  him ; and  the  old  Deacon 
was  madder  than  a hen. 

K pious  hen,”  says  I coldly,  for  I was  a beginnin’ 
to  not  bear  the  old  Deacon. 

^^Yes,”  says  he,  bein’  so  darned  good,  he  said 
Molly  shouldn’t  marry  any  feller  that  laughed  and 
played  demises  and  danced — and  Tom  had  danced 
once  or  twice  to  one  of  our  neighbors,  and  the  old 
Deacon  had  heerd  of  it — so  he  turned  Tom  out  doors, 
and  forbid  Molly’s  speakin’  to  him  again;  Molly, 
they  say,  took  it  bad,  and  it  come  powerful  hard  on 
Tom.  He  is  a soft  hearted  feller  Tom  is,  and  he 
fairly  worshipped  her;  but  his  ma  and  I brought  him 
up  to  meet  trials  bravely,  and  it  is  a pattern  to  any- 
body to  see  how  brave,  and  calm,  and  patient  he  is, 
with  his  trouble  makin’  him  as  poor  as  a snail.  Stid- 
dy  to  work  as  a clock,  cheerful,  and  growin’  poor  all 
the  time ; awful  good  to  babys,  and  childern  Tom  is, 
sense  it  took  place,  and  growin’  pale,  and  poor  as  a 
rat.  I tell  you  it  comes  pretty  tough  on  his  ma  and 


THE  DEACON  LECTURES  ELAM. 


32T 


me  to  see  it  go  on ; but  Tom  wont  be  underhanded, 
and  he’ll  have  to  grin  and  bear  it,  for  the  Deacon 
says  he  never  changes  his  mind,  and  he  is  so  tarnal 
good  I s’pose  he  can’t. 

He  talked  powerful  to  me  the  day  he  rode  with 
me;  I don’t  know  when  I ever  felt  wickeder  and 
meaner  than  I did  then  ; I can  truly  say  that  when  the 
old  Deacon  got  out  of  the  buggy,  and  for  several  hours 
after  thut,  T could  have  been  bought  cheap — probable 
from  25  to  30  cents — he  give  it  to  me  so  for  lettin’ 
Tom  play  games,  and  playin’  with  him  myself.  He 
said  I was  doin’  the  devil’s  work;  a immortal  soul 
left  to  my  charge,  and  I a fillin’  it  up  with  dominoes 
and  checkers. 

‘ But,’  says  I,  ^ Tom  got  to  runnin’  to  the  tarven ; 
he  got  into  bad  company  ; I did  it  to  stop  him ; fac- 
torum  Deacon,  honor  bright.’ 

‘‘And  then  the  Deacon  give  it  to  me  for  swearin’ ; 
he  was  so  good,  he  thought  honor  bright  and  factorum 
was  swearin’,  and  says  he: 

“ ‘ S’posen  Tom  did  git  to  runnin’  to  the  tarven  and 
other  places  of  ruination ; then  was  the  time  for  you 
to  do  your  duty.  Preach  his  wickedness  to  him ; 
keep  at  it  every  time  he  come  into  the  house  day  and 
night,  down  suller,  and  up  stairs,  to  the  table  and  the 
altar.  I s’posed  you  was  a prayin’  man,  and  prayed 
in  your  family.’ 

“ ‘ I haint  missed  a night  nor  mornin’  sense  I joined 
the  meetin’-house,’  says  I. 


328 


HOW  TO  SAVE  BOYS. 


Well,  what  a weapon  that  family  altar  might  be, 
if  you  handled  it  right,  to  pierce  Tom  to  the  heart ; 
to  show  him  how  gloomy  his  sins  made  you ; to  make 
him  see  your  goodness,  and  his  sinfulness ; to  make  a 
pattern  of  yourself  before  him;  and  then  evenin’s 
you  ort  to  be  stern  and  gloomy,  and  awful  dignified, 
and  spend  ’em,  every  one  of  ’em,  in  readin’  religious 
tracts  to  him ; warnin’s  to  sinners,  and  the  perils  of 
the  ungodly.  I would  lend  you  half  a bushel  that  I 
have  used  in  bringin’  up  my  own  family;  and  if  you 
took  this  course,  what  a happyfyin’  thought  it  would 
be,  that,  whatever  course  he  took,  whether  he  went 
to  ruin  or  not,  you  had  done  your  duty,  set  him  a 
pattern  of  righteousness,  and  his  wickedness  couldn’t 
be  laid  to  charge ; and  you  could  have  a clear 
conscience,  and  be  happy,  even  if  you  looked  down 
from  the  shinin’  shore,  and  see  him  a wreathin’  in 
torment.’ 

^^^But,’  says  I,  ^what  if  my  preachin’  his  wicked- 
ness into  him,  and  readin’  tracts  at  him  had  the  efiect 
of  makin’  him  hate  religion,  and  drivin’  him  away 
from  home  to  the  tarven  and  wickedness?  After 
Tom  was  ruined,  my  makin’  a pattern  of  myself,  and 
feelin’  innocent,  wouldn’t  bring  Tom  back.  And,’ 
says  I,  4f  I kep’  Tom  from  goin’  to  ruin,  by  keepin’ 
him  to  home,  and  playin’  dominoes  with  him — and 
didn’t  feel  innocent — lemme  see — where  be  I — ’ ” 
And  I scratched  my  head  till  every  hair  stood  up 
on  end,  I was  so  puzzled,  and  kinder  worked  up,  a 


TOM^S  MOTHER. 


329 


thinkin’  how  I would  go  to  work  to  be  innocent  in 
the  matter,  and  whether  after  I had  lost  Tom,  my 
bein’  a pattern  would  be  much  of  a comfort  to  me  or 
his  ma;  but  though  I scratched  my  head  powerful,  I 
couldn’t  scratch  a clear  idee  of  the  matter  out  of  it. 
But  I tell  you,  the  Deacon  made  me  ffeel  small,  so 
small  that  when  I got  home,  I was  most  tempted  to 
go  in  through  the  key -hole ; and  mean — I knew  I was 
the  meanest  man  in  North  America,  I could  have 
took  my  oath  on  it  with  a clear  conscience. 

But  Tom’s  ma  felt  different  about  it  when  I talked 
it  over  with  her;  and  she  went  on  and  give  her  views 
on  bringin’  up  childern  and  religion,  and  things,  for 
about  the  first  time  I ever  heerd  her  in  my  life — she 
bein’  one  of  the  kind  that  believes  in  doin’  more  and 
sayin’  less ; though,  if  there  is  anybody  livin’  that 
can  beat  her  in  piety,  I’d  love  to  see  ’em.  As  I say,  I 
never  see  her  talk  so  earnest  and  sort  of  inspired  like, 
as  she  did  then ; it  went  to  my  heart  so,  took  me  so 
‘ right  where  I lived  ’ — as  the  poet  says — and  I have 
thought  it  over  so  many  times  sense,  that  I can 
remember  every  word  on  it,  though  there  was  power- 
ful long  words  in  it.  But  good  land  ! long  words  haint 
nothin’  for  Tom’s  ma  to  handle ; she’s  dretful  high 
learnt,  teached  a deestrick  school  for  years;  I never 
shall  forget  how  she  looked  when  she  was  a talkin’  it 
to  me ; how  her  eyes  shone ; she  has  got  big  brown 
eyes  jest  like  Tom’s,  and  they  sort  o’  lit  up,  jest  as  if 
there  was  a kerosine  lamp  a burnin’  inside  of  her  face. 


330 


A MOTHER’S  VIEWS. 


or  several  candles;  she  talked  powerful.  She  said 
she  didn’t  think  we  need  feel  condemned  ; says  she : 

^ We  have  always  taught  our  boy  to  love  God,  and 
taught  him  that  He  was  the  one  reality  in  an  unreal 
world.’  Says  she,  ^ I have  tried  from  his  childhood 
to  make  Him  who  is  invisible,  a real  presence  to  him, 
not  an  abstract  idee ; taught  him  that  unseen  things 
were  more  real  than  the  seen ; that  love — even  his 
mother’s  love  for  him,  which  was  as  intangible  as  a 
breath  of  air — yet  was  still  so  much  more  imperisha- 
ble than  the  form  that  enshrined  it — stronger  than 
life  or  death — was  but  a faint  symbol  of  that  greater 
love  that  so  far  transcended  mine.  That  this  love  was 
the  one  rock  of  safety  - standin’  for  evermore  the  same 
amid  the  ebb  and  flow  of  this  changeful  earthly  life ; 
and  that  safe  in  that  love  he  could  not  by  any  possi- 
bility be  harmed  by  life  or  death  or  any  other 
creature;  and  if  he  was  lost,  it  would  not  be  because 
God  desired  it;’  says  she,  could  not  teach  our 
boy  to  love  God  with  a slave’s  love  for  a tyrant,  made 
up  of  fear  and  doubt;  to  think  of  Him  as  a far-off 
unapproachable  bein’,  in  a remote  inaccessible  heaven ; 
lookin’  down  from  a height  of  gloomy  grandeur  with 
a stern  composure,  a calm  indifierence,  on  the  strug- 
glin’ souls  below,  he  had  created ; indifierent  to  their 
sufferin’s,  their  gropin’s  after  light  and  truth,  their 
temptations,  their  blind  mistakes;  ready  and  anxious 
to  condemn  ; angry  with  their  innocent  happiness.’ 
Says  she,  ‘ It  would  be  as  impossible  for  me  to  worship 


THE  OLD  DEACON’S  PIETY. 


331 


the  God  of  some  Christians,  as  to  worship  a heathen 
God ; and  I have  not  taught  our  boy  to  worship  such 
a bein’,  but  I have  learned  him  from  a child,  to  look 
upon  Him  as  his  nearest  and  dearest  friend,  the  truest, 
and  the  tenderest;  the  one  always  near  him,  ready  to 
help  him  when  all  other  help  was  vain ; grieved  with 
his  wrong  doin’ ; rejoicin’  in  his  efforts  to  do  right ; 
helpin’  him  in  his  struggles  with  his  small  tempta- 
tions ; drawin’  his  soul  upward  with  his  divine  love 
and  tenderness.  We  have  tried  to  teach  him  by  our 
lives — which  is  the  loudest  preachin’ — that  the  best 
way  to  show  our  love  to  God,  is  by  bein’  helpful  and 
compassionate  to  a sorrowful  humanity.’” 

Says  I,  ‘‘  ‘ The  old  Deacon  don’t  look  on  religion  in 
that  light  at  all ; he 
don’t  seem  to  want  to 
do  any  good,  but  jest 
gives  his  whole  mind 
to  bein’  wretched  him- 
self, and  condemnin’ 
other  folks’es  sins,  and 
makin’  them  wretched, 
lie  seems  to  think  if  he 
can  only  do  that,  and 
keep  himself  from  bein’ 
amused  in  any  way,  he 
is  travelin’  the  straight 

D 

road  to  heaven ; that  truly  is  his  strong  pint.’  ” 

Well,  she  said  she  thought  of  the  Saviour’s  last 

13* 


THE  DEACON. 


U 


332 


TOM^  MOTHER’S  FIRST  SPEECH, 


charge  to  his  disciples  after  his  death  and  resurrection, 
when  his  words  might  well  contain  all  earthly  expe- 
rience, and  heavenly  wisdom.  Three  times  he  asked 
that  disciple,  ^Lovest  thou  me?’  And  each  sepa- 
rate time  he  bade  him  prove  that  love,  not  by  bein’ 
gloomy  faced  and  morose,  not  by  loud  preachin’  and 
condemnation  of  others,  and  long  prayers  and  vows  to 
Him,  but  in  carin’  for  the  flock  He  had  left.  And  when 
he  pronounced  the  doom  of  the  condemned,  it  was 
not  because  tliey  had  been  happy  and  cheerful ; not 
because  they  had  neglected  the  creeds  and  forms  of 
religion,  but  because  they  had  seen  Him  in  the  form 
of  a sufferin’  humanity,  naked,  athirst,  and  faint,  and 
had  not  ministered  unto  Him. 

She  talked  like  a little  female  preacher,  Tom’s  ma 
did ; it  was  the  first  speech  she  had  made  sense  I 
knew  her,  and  that  was  goin’  on  forty  years,  countin’ 
in  seven  years  of  stiddy  courtin’.  And  says  she  in 
windin’  up — you  know  preachers  always  wind  up,  and 
Tom’s  ma  did — says  she: 

guess  we  won’t  begin  to  be  stern  and  dignified 
with  Tom  now,  for  we  don’t  care  in  particular  about 
gainin’  the  admiration  of  au  awe-struck  world,  or 
awakenin’  Tom’s  fears  by  inakin’  patterns  of  our- 
selves;’ and  says  she,  ‘I  have  always  found,  that 
people  who  set  themselves  up  for  patterns  are  very 
disagreeable  as  companions.’  Says  she,  ‘What  we 
want  is  to  save  our  boy,  make  him  good  and  happy, 
and  I am  not  a bit  afraid  of  makin’  him  too  happy  in 


THE  CONDEMNED  FIDDLE. 


A WICKED  INSTRUMENT. 


335 


an  innocent  way;’  says  she,  ‘for  goodness  is  the 
own  child  of  happiness  on  its  mother’s  side.’ 

“ Who  is  the  other  parent  ? ” says  I. 

“ Says  she  with  a reverent  look  : 

“‘Goodness  is  born  of  God,  and  happiness  is  its 
own  mother,  nursed  and  brought  up  by  her.’  She 
talked  powerful,  Tom’s  ma  did.  But  as  I was  a say- 
in’,  in  the  matter  of  Molly  the  Deacon  stands  firm, 
and  Molly  bein’  the  only  child  there,  the  old  Deacon 
most  probable  hates  to  be  left  alone,  though  they  do 
say  that  the'  Deacon  is  goin’  to  marry  a Miss  Horn,  ♦ 
who  spent  last  winter  here  to  her  brother’s,  and — ’ ” 

But  my  Josiah  interrupted  him  : “Molly  the  only 
child?  Where’s  Zebulin  Jr.” 

“ Oh  he  run  away  in  war  time.  He’d  worked  day 
and  night  to  make  a fiddle.  His  mind-  was  all  sot  on 
music,  and  they  said  the  fiddle  sounded  first-rate ; 
but  when  he  got  it  done,  the  old  Deacon  burnt  it  up  ; 
he  was  so  everlastin’  good,  that  he  thought  fiddlin’ 
was  wicked.  But  Zeb  Jr.  not  bein’  so  good,  couldn’t 
look  at  it  in  that  light,  so  he  left.” 

“ Where’s  Zacheus  ? ” 

“ Oh  Zack,  he  run  away  a few  weeks  after  Zeb 
did.  It  was  sunthin’  about  a checker-board  that  ailed 
Zack — I believe  the  old  Deacon  split  it  up  for  kindlin’ 
wood.  Anyway  it  was  someway  where  the  Deacon 
showed  up  his  own  goodness  and  Zack’s  sinfulness.” 

“ Well,  where  are  the  twins,  Noah  and  Nathan  ?” 

“ Oh  the  twins  got  to  ninnin’  to  the  tarvern.  They’d 


836 


RAISING  PIRATES. 


get  out  of  the  winder  nights,  after  pretendin’  to  go  to 
bed  early ; said  they  couldn’t  stay  to  home.  I s’pose 
the  Deacon  was  so  good,  that  it  made  ’em  powerful 
uncomfortable,  they  bein’  so  different.  It  was  jest 
about  that  time  I had  such  a tussle  to  keep  Tom  to 
home.  They  was  both  of  ’em  jest  about  Tom’s  age, 
they  was  next  older  than  Molly.  Well,  as  might  be 
expected,  they  got  into  bad  company  to  the  tarvern, 
got  to  drinkin’  and  carousin’,  and  the  Deacon  turned 
’em  out  doors.  Bein’  so  good  he  naturally  couldn’t 
stand  such  doin’s  at  all,  and  they  went  from  bad  to 
worse.  I don’t  know  where  they  be  now,  though  I 
heerd  they  had  gone  to  sea.  They  seemed  to  be  the 
most  sot  ag’inst  religion  of  any  of  ’em,  the  two  twins 
was.  I heerd  they  vowed  they’d  be  pirates  before 
they  died,  but  I don’t  know  whether  they  ever  got  up 
to  that  aim  of  theirn  or  not.” 

Well,  there  was  another  boy,  between  Zebulin  Jr. 
and  Zack.  Where  is  he  ? ” 

‘‘  Oh,  that  was  Jonathan.  A real  good-hearted  feller 
Jont  was,  and  full  of  fun  when  his  father  wasn’t 
round ; of  course  the  old  Deacon  wouldn’t  stand  no 
fun.  Jont  was  the  smartest  one  of  the  lot,  and  his 
mother’s  idol.  Well,  the  old  Deacon  was  bent  on 
Jonts  preachiii’,  was  determined  to  make  an  Elder  of 
him,  and  Jont  hadn’t  never  experienced  religion,  nor 
nothin.’  He  told  his  father,  I’ve  heern,  that  he  never 
had  no  call  to  preach,  and  that  he  was  sot  on  bein’  a 
carpenter.  Always  putterin’  round  a carpenter’s  shop, 


CALLING  A PREACHER. 


337 


and  makin’ little  housen,  and  wheels  and  things,  Jont 
was ; his  nateral  nater  all  seemed  to  run  that  way, 


foolin’  away  time. 


but  the  old  Deacon  wouldn’t  give  in,  said  he  called 
him,  himself.  He  atted  Jont  about  it  all  the  time, 
preachin’  at  him,,  and  exhortin’  him.  He  was  bound 
at  convertin’  Jont  himself.  I s’pose  he  exhorted  him 
powerful,  and  Jont  not  bein’  good  enough  to  stand  it, 
the  upshot  of  the  matter  was,  he  jined  a circus;  turns 
summersets  and  so  4th.” 


338 


THE  NAME  AND  THE  GAME. 


What  did  Uncle  Zebulin  say  to  that  ? ” 

Oh^  the  old  Deacon  is  so  dignified  you  can’t  never 
see  no  change  in  him,  he  haint  one  of  the  kind  to 
squirm.  He  said  in  a conference  meetin’  that  week, 
that  it  was  dretful  consolin’  to  think  he  had  always 
done  his  duty  by  Jont,  sot  his  sinful  state  before  him 
day  and  night,  and  been  a pattern  before  him  from  his 
youth.  He  was  thankful  and  happy  that  his  sin  didn’t 
lay  on  his  coat-skirts.  But  it  jest  killed  the  old  lady  ; 
she  didn’t  live  only  a few  weeks  after  Jont  left.” 

Then  Aunt  Patience  is  dead  ? ” says  Josiah  sithin’. 

Yes,  she  had  been  in  a kind  of  a melancholly  way 
for  some  time,  had  kind  o’  crazy  spells,  and  when  Jont 
left  home  that  used  her  completely  up.” 

It  seems  to  me  there  was  another  boy,  but  1 can’t 
call  him  by  name  this  minute.” 

^^Oh,  you  mean  Absolom..” 

Yes,  Absolom  ! Where’s  he  ? ” says  Josiah. 

^^Oh,  Absolom  stole  a cow  and  was  sent  to  jail. 
He  said  he’d  always  been  called  ungodly,  and  if  he 
had  the  name,  he’d  have  the  game;  so  he  stole  a cow 
and  was  shet  up.” 

I was  a thinkin’  I heerd  that  Aunt  Patience’es 
neice’sboy  was  a goin’  to  live  with  him, — the  one  that 
never  had  no  father  in  particular.” 

^^Yes,”  says  Elam  Pitkins,  he  did  go  to  live 
there,  but  the  old  Deacon  was  so  tarnal  good  that  the 
boy  couldn’t  stand  it  with  him.” 

What  was  the  matter?”  says  Josiah. 


WILLIN’  TO  OO. 


339 


Well,  the  old  Deacon  bein’  sot  so  firm  onto  the 
docterines  himself,  thought  the  boy  ort  to  think  as  he 
did,  and  be  willin’,  if  it  was  for  heaven’s  glory,  to  be 
burnt  up  root  and  branch.  The  old  Deacon  worked 
at  that  boy  eight  months  night  and  day  to  make  him 
willin’  to  go  to  hell ; and  the  boy,  bein’  a master  hand 
for  tellin’  the  truth,  and  not  bein’  good  enough  to  be 
willin’  to  go,  wouldn’t  say  that  he  was.  But  the  old 
Deacon  had  ^ got  his  back  up,’ — as  a profane  poet 
observes — and  he  was  bound  to  carry  tlie  day,  and 
he’d  argue  with  him  powerful,  so  they  say,  as  to  why 
he  ort  to  be  willin’.  He’d  tell  him  he  was  a child  of 
wrath,  and  born  in  sin;  and  the  boy,  bein’  so  mean, 
would  sass  him  right  back  again,  and  tell  him  that  he 
didn’t  born  himself ; that  it  wasn’t  none  of  his  doin’s 
and  he  wasn’t  to  blame  for  it ; and  that  if  he  had  had 
his  way,  and  been  knowin’  to  it  at  the  time,  he’d 
drather  give  ten  cents  than  to  have  been  born  at  all. 

And  the  Deacon  couldn’t  stand  no  such  wicked 
talk  as  that,  and  he’d  lay  to  and  whip  him,  and  then 
he’d  try  again  to  make  him  willin’  to  go  to  hell. 

And  finally,  the  boy  told  him  one  day  that  he  was 
willin’;  he’d  drather  go,  root  and  branch,  than  to  live 
with  him.  And  then  the  Deacon  whipped  him  hard- 
er than  ever;  and  the  boy  got  discouraged  and  took 
to  lyin’,  and  probable  there  haint  so  big  a liar  to-day 
in  North  America.  He’s  studyin’  for  a lawyer.” 

Again  my  companion  seemed  to  be  almost  lost  in 
thought,  and  says  he: 


34:0 


SLANDERIN’  PROVIDENCE. 


It  is  the  most  astonishin’  thing  I ever  see,  that  so 
good  a man  as  Uncle  Zebulin,  should  have  a family 
that  turned  out  so  bad.  It  seems  to  be  a mysterious 
dispensation  of  Providence.” 

^‘Yes!”  says  Elam  Pitkins.  ^‘It  is  Providence 
that  done  it,  I haint  a doubt  of  it.” 

This  made  me  so  agitated,  that  entirely  unbeknown 
to  myself  I riz  right  up  in  the  wagon,  and  says  I : 

Josiah  Allen  if  you  lay  any  more  such  doin’s  to 
Providence,  Pll  know  the  reason  why.”  Says  I, 

Not  bein’  Elam  Pitkins’es  natural  gardeun,  if  he’s  a 
mind  to  slander  Providence  I can’t  help  it,  but  you 
shant,  Josiah  Allen.  You  shall  not  talk  ag’inst 
Providence,  and  abuse  him  by  layin’  conduct  to  him 
that  He  is  as  innocent  of  as  a infant  babe. 

‘^Well!  well!  do  set  down  Samantha.  How  it 
does  look  for  you  to  be  a standing  up  a ridin’.” 

The  democrat  give  a awful  jolt  jest  that  minute, 
and  truly  I did  what  my  companion  advised  me  to,  I 
sot  down.  But  though  my  body  was  a settin’  down 
my  mind  was  up  and  a doin’,  for  I see  what  was 
before  me.  I see  that  as  a Promiscous  Advisor  there 
was  a job  ahead  of  me  to  tackle  in  the  cause  of  Bight. 

When  Elam  Pitkins  sot  us  down  in  front  of  Uncle 
Zebulin  CofEin’ses  house  door,  (two  miles  and  a half 
almost,  from  Loon  Town),  the  sun  was  jest  a goin’  to 
bed  for  the  night ; a settlin’  down  into  a perfect  pile 
of  gold  and  purple  and  crimson  bed  clothes  and  com- 
forters. But  it  seemed  as  if  after  he  had  pulled  up 


SUNSET. 


341 


the  great  folds  of  shinin’  drapery  over  him  and  cov- 
ered his  head  up,  he  was  a laughin’  to  himself  down 
under  the  bed-clothes,  to  think  he  had  left  the  world 
lookin’  so  beautiful  and  cheerful.  Everything  seemed 
to  appear  sort  of  happy  and  peaceful  and  still,  still 
as  a mouse,  almost.  It  was  the  time  of  daisies  and 
sweet  clover,  and  all  along  the  quiet  country  road,  the 
white  daisies  was  a smilin’  and  noddin’  their  bright 
heads.  And  the  sweet  clover,  and  the  wild  roses  with 
their  pretty  red  lips  that  the  bees  had  been  a kissin’ 
the  biggest  heft  of  the  day,  seemed  to  take  a solid 
comfort  in  lookin’  bright,  and  makin’  the  air  sweet  as 
honey,  and  sweeter. 

There  had  been  a shower  of  rain  in  the  mornin’,  and 
old  Hater’s  face  was  all  washed  off  as  clean  as  a pink ; 
not  a mite  of  dust  on  it.  The  medder  was  green  as 
green  could  be,  and  the  wavin’  wheat  fields,  looked 
first-rate.  There  was  a strip  of  woods  towards  the 
west,  quite  a considerable  ways  off,  shady  and  still 
it  looked,  and  beyond  that  we  could  see  the  lake, 
part  of  it  blue  and  serene  like,  and  part  of  it  lookin’ 
like  them  streets  of  gold,  we  read  about. 

The  birds  was  a singin’  sort  o’  low  and  sweet  in  the 
trees  in  the  orchard.  The  sky  overhead  blushed  up 
kinder  pink,  but  the  east  was  blue  and  clear,  and  the 
moon  was  sailin’  up  in  it  like  a silver  boat  that  had 
sot  out  for  the  land  of  Pure  Delight  and  expected  to 
get  there  in  a few  moments.  I don’t  know  when  I 
ever  see  a handsomer  time. 


342 


A HANDSOME  TIME. 


There  are  times  you  know,  when  it  seems  as  if 
heaven  and  earth  got  so  near  to  each  other,  that  the 
stream  of  the  Unknown  that  divides  our  world  from 
the  world  of  eternal  light  and  beauty,  could  be  spanned 
by  one  minute,  if  you  could  fix  that  minute  onto  an  * 
arrer,  and  aim  it  right,  and  shoot  it  straight.  Oh  ! 
how  beautiful  and  consolin’  and  inspirin’  and  happy- 
fyin’  every  thing  looked,  and  I remarked  to  my  pard- 
ner  in  tones  of  rapped  admiration  and  extacy  : 

Josiah,  did  von  ever  see  so  handsome  a time  ?” 

Josiah  realized  it;  that  man  has  a great  eye  for 
beauty.  Though  he  don’t  say  so  much  as  some  men 
do,  he  feels  the  more.  His  eyes  looked  dreamy  and 
sort  o’  meditatin’,  and  his  tones  was  low  and  gentle, 
as  he  replied  to  me : 

“ 1 hope  they  haint  eat  supper  yet  Samantha.” 

Before  I could  answer  him,  a man  come  round  the 
corner  of  the  house,  a walkin’  slowly  along  with  his 
hands  clasped  under  his  coat-tails,  and  I knew  the 
minute  I Sot  eyes  on  him  it  rvas  Uncle  Zebulin  Coffin, 
lie  was  tall,  and  big  boneded,  but  in  dretful  poor 
order ; he  had  wintered  bad,  I knew.  His  face  was 
from  half  to  three-quarters  of  a yard  in  length.  (I  may 
not  git  the  exact  number  of  inches,  never  havin’  laid 
a yard  stick  to  him,  but  I made  a careless  estimate  in 
my  mind,  and  have  probable  got  it  pretty  near  right  .) 

He  seemed  lengthy  everyway.  His  nose  was  long, 
and  his  chin  was  long,  and  his  mouth  was  drawed 
down  lengthways  dretful  long,  and  his  vest  was  long, 


SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. 


343 


and  his  coat  tails  was  long,  and  black  as  a coal  his 
clothes  was,  every  mite  of  ’em  ; his  vest  was  but- 
l:oned  up  tight  to  his  chin,  and  he  had  a black  stock 
on  that  come  up  to  his  ears.  His  head  was  well 


meetin’  the  deacon. 


lifted  up,  partly  by  the  stock,  and  partly  by  dignity 
— about  half-and-half  I should  judge ; or  come  to  think 
it  over,  there  was  probable  more  dignity  than  there 
was  stock.  He  was  awful  dignified,  and  oh  ! how 


344 


A CLOUD  ON  THE  HORIZON. 


cold  he  looked.  Why,  when  he  come  round  the 
corner  of  the  house  and  faced  the  west  with  his  cold 
disapprovin’  eyes,  I’ll  be  hanged  if  I didn’t  think  that 
he  would  freeze  all  the  beauty  and  gladness  out  of  the 
sky.  And  sure  enough  when  I looked  round,  the 
sun  had  stopped  laughin’  in  a minute,  and  in  order  to 
hide  himself  from  the  Deacon  (as  it  were)  liad  begun 
to  haul  up  over  his  shinin’  bed-clothes,  a old  faded 
out  coverlet,  grey  as  a rat ; and  a dark  shadder  was 
a failin’  over  all  the  brightness  of  the  world. 

When  his  eyes  fell  onto  us,  Josiah  trembled  imper- 
ceptably ; but  though  cold  shivers  was  a runnin’  over 
his  back,  he  approached  him — because  he  must — and 
I,  not  being  one  to  desert  my  companion  in  the  time 
of  trouble,  marched  close  by  his  side. 

How  do  you  do.  Uncle  Zebulin,”  and  Josiah  tried 
hard  to  smile.  We  have  come  to  see  you.” 

His  face  looked  more  dignified  than  ever,  and  sev- 
eral degrees  colder.  I declare  it  did  seem  as  if  Josi- 
ah’s  whiskers  must  show  signs  of  frost,  if  it  kep’  on. 

What  stranger  cometh  to  see  me  out  of  a world 
of  darkness  and  sin  ? Who  claims  me  as  his  kinsman  ?” 

And  his  voice  was  as  cold  as  a axe  in  a December 
mornin,’  jest  as  cold  and  icy. 

‘Ht  is  Josiah  Allen,  Uncle  Zebulin,  don’t  you  know 
me  ? and  this  is  Samantha.”  (And  Josiah  again  made 
a fearful  effort  to  smile.) 

But  Zebulin  Coffin  drew  his  hands  back,  and  folded 
’em  up  under  his  coat-skirts,  and  looked  at  Josiah  a 


JOSIAH  QUESTIONED. 


345 


minute  or  two  in  complete  stillness,  and  liis  mean  was 
as  cold  as  a thermomiter  bangin’  up  right  on  the  North 
pole.  It  was  a awful  time.  Finally  he  spoke  : 

I remember  you  Josiah  Allen  ; you  tarried  with  us 
occasionally  in  your  youthful  days.  The  last  time  you 
were  here  you  snickered  at  prayer  time,  one  of  my 
own  ungodly  sons  piercin’  you  with  a pin.  Have  you 
repented  of  your  sinful  ways,  Josiah  Allen  ? Are  you 
weary  of  husks  ?” 

Oh ! how  wretched  and  meachin’  Josiah  Allen 
looked.  He  felt  too  mean  to  speak,  and  Uncle  Zeb- 
ulin  went  on  : 

If  you  are  weary  of  husks  and  tired  of  swine,  I 
can  forgive  you  Josiah.  Have  you  repented  ? Are  you 
worthy  of  forgiveness  ? Speak,  Josiah  Allen  ; have 
you  come  to  eat  of  the  fatted  calf  ?” 

If  Josiah  Allen  had  been  a sheep,  a full  blooded 
merino,  he  couldn’t  have  looked  any  more  sheepish. 

Jest  at  that  minute  a real  sweet  voice,  but  sort  o’ 
sad  like,  called  out  from  the  other  side  of  the  house  : 

Supper’s  ready,  father.” 

And  then  Zebiilin  Coffin  ungripped  his  hands  from 
under  his  coat  tails,  and  shook  hands  first  with  Josiah 
and  then  with  me.  But  it  was  done  in  such  a w^ay 
that  takin’  the  clammy  feelin’  of  his  hand,  and  the  cold 
icy  look  of  his  eye,  and  his  name  bein’  Coffin,  and  all, 
I declare  I felt  jest  as  if  I was  at  a funeral,  and  was 
one  of  the  first  mourners. 

A prettier  girl  than  Molly  Coffin  I don’t  want  to 


346 


THE  ANCHOR  OF  THE  HEART. 


see ! Nater  is  likely  and  well  behaved, — does  lots  of 
work  too  ; but  sometimes  through  havin’  so  much  on 
her  mind,  I s’pose  the  old  gal  gits  frisky  and  cuts  up 
curious  capers.  And  if  she  had  made  a rosebud 
spring  up  and  blow  out  in  a dark  suller  bottom,  it 
wouldn’t  have  been  a mite  curiouser  caper  than  for 
such  a blossom  of  a girl  to  blow  out  of  such  a soil  as 
the  Deacon’s  soil. 

Pretty,  and  patient,  and  tender-hearted,  and  sad,  and 
hopeless,  and  half  broken  hearted,  I could  see  that  too ; 
and  the  minute  we  was  introduced,  I jest  laid  holt  of 
her  and  kissed  her  as  if  she  had  been  my  own  girl. 
And  Josiah  kissed  her  too,  and  I w^as  glad  on  it.  I 
haint  one  of  the  jealous  kind,  and  I know  my  com- 
panion is  one  man  out  of  a thousand.  He  has  perfect 
confidence  in  my  behavior  day  and  night,  and  I have 
in  hisen ; and  oh  ! what  a consolin’  comfort  that  is. 
Confidence  is  the  anchor  of  the  heart ; if  it  holds  fast 
and  firm,  what  safety  and  rest  it  gives  ; but  if  the 
anclior  wont  hold,  if  it  is  waverin’  and  goes  a driftin’ 
back  and  forth,  a draggin’  the  ropes  of  your  affections 
that  try  to  grip  holt  of  it — through  the  mud  and  the 
mire,  oh,  how  w^earin’  it  is  to  the  rope  and  to  the 
heart.  But  my  trust  in  Josiah  is  like  a cast-iron  an- 
chor that  grapples  the  rock  every  time  ; no  shock  of 
the  waves  of  change  and  chance  and  other  wfimmen 
can  unhitch  it ; for  truly  I know  that  though  Josiah 
Allen  is  a short  man,  his  morals  are  as  high  and  tow- 
erin’ as  a meetin’  house  steeple  ; but  I am  a episodin’. 


VmAT  WORE  ON  MOLLY. 


347 


Molly  had  baked  potatoes  and  cold  meat,  besides 
pie  and  cake  and  preserves,  and  such  stuff;  and  as  we 
had  gone  in  entirely  unexpected,  I knew  that  Molly 
was  a good  housekeeper,  for  her  vittles  was  good 
enough  for  the  very  best  of  company.  But  the 
Deacon  didn’t  seem  to  be  satisfied  with  a thing  she 
did.  His  eyes,  as  cold  as  the  middle  of  last  winter, 
follered  her  all  the  time  chuck  full  of  disapproval. 
Her  big  sorrowful  eyes  watched  his  face  anxiously 
and  sort  o’  fearful  like,  every  time  he  spoke,  for  she 
was  one  of  them  gen- 
tle, lovin’  ones,  that 
a harsh  word  or  a 
cold  look  stabs  like 
a blow ; and  I know 
it  was  them  words 
and  looks  added  to 
sorrow  and  Tom  Pit- 
kins,  that  had  made 
her  pretty  cheeks  so 
thin  and  white,  and 
give  that  wistful, 
frightened,  sorrow- 
ful look  to  her  big 
brown  eyes.  There 
she  sot  not  darin’  to  molly  consolin’  tom  pitkins. 

say  a word,  and  there  my  companion  sot  lookin’  as  if 
he  had  stole  a sheep. 

The  Deacon  asked  a blessin’,  remindin’  tile  Lord 


348 


THE  STAFF  OF  LIFE.” 


Ilow  awful  good  a Christian  he  was,  and  asked 
him  for  mercy’s  sake  to  pity  the  sinners  assembled 
round  his  board.  It  was  about  as  long  as  one  chapter 
of  Pollock’s  Course  of  Time.  Josiah  thought  wl^en 
we  was  a talkin’  it  over  afterwards,  that  it  was  as  long 
as  the  hull  book,  the  hull  course  of  time  itself,  but  it 
w^asn’t.  We  stood  it  first-rate,  only  his  w^ords  was  so 
condemnin’  to  us,  and  frigid,  and  he  did  it  in  such  a 
freezin’  way  that  I was  most  afraid  it  would  make  the 
potatoes  cold  as  snow-balls.  I am  a great  case  for 
potatoes ; the  poet  made  a mistake  as  fur  as  I am 
concerned,  for  truly  to  me  potatoes  are  the  staff  of 
life” — or  staffs  I suppose  would  be  more  grammarius. 

And  as  I see  that  man  set  at  the  head  of  the  table 
almost  completely  wrapped  up  in  dignity — like  a great 
self-righteous  damper  a shettin’  off  all  the  warmth 
and  brightness  of  life  from  the  hull  on  us,  and  a feelin’ 
so  uncommon  big  over  it — I declare,  duty  and  principle 
kep’  a hunchin’  me  so,  and  puttin’  me  up  to  tackle 
him,  that  I couldn’t  hardly  eat.  I knew  the  hour 
drew  near  for  me  to  set  fire  to  myself  as  a martyr, 
and  as  a Promiscous  Advisor  to  tackle  him  in  the 
cause  of  Pight  and  Molly. 

Most  all  the  while  we  was  a eatin’,  the  Deacon  kep’ 
a hintin’  and  a preachin’  about  the  wickedness  and 
depravity  of  wfimmen  dressin’  themselves  up ; and 
every  time  he  would  say  anything,  he  would  look  at 
Molly  as  if  he  was  determined  to  freeze  her  as  stiff 
as  a poker.  When  we  got  up  from  the  table,  and 


FEMALE  EXTRAVAGANCE. 


349 


sot  out  in  the  settin’-rooin,  I see  what  his  talk  meant. 

It  seemed  she  was  a makin’  a white  dress  for  her- 
self out  of  muslin — jest  a finishin’  it  off  with  some 
modest  lookin’  lace  on  the  neck  and  sleeves,  and  a 
small — a very  small  and  reasonable  amount  of  puckers  ; 
she  could  make  the  hull  on  it  in  a day  and  a half  at 
the  outside,  and  I could  see  she  would  look  as  pretty 
in  it  as  a pink.  When  the  old  Deacon  went  to  set 
down,  he  took  the  skirt  of  the  dress  that  happened 
to  be  a layin’  over  his  chair,  and  handlin’  it  with 
considerable  the  countenance  he  would  a checkered 
adder,  he  broke  out  colder  and  frigider  than  ever: 

^^No  wonder  the  national  debt  haint  paid;  no 
wonder  ruin  and  bankruptcy  are  in  the  land,  and  it  is 
wimmen’s  base  carnal  extravagance  that  does  it.” 

“Yes,”  says  Josiah — who  seemed  to  want  to  curry 
the  Deacon’s  favor — “it  is  jest  as  you  say;  wimmen 
is  tarnal  extravagant.” 

Oh  how  he  looked  at  Josiah ; “I  said  carnal^  I am 
not  in  the  practice  of  profane  swearin’.” 

Oh  how  sorry  my  Josiah  looked,  to  think  he  had 
tried  to  curry  him  down. 

And  then  the  Deacon  went  on  about  wn'mmen’s  base 
and  vile  extravagance,  as  much  as  seventeen  minutes 
by  the  clock,  givin’  such  a look  once  in  a while  onto 
my  respectable  overskirt,  and  lace  head-dress,  and 
Molly’s  dress,  enough  to  make  icikles  hang  to  ’em.  I 
heerd  him  go  on  as  long  as  I could,  and  then  says  I : 

“No  doubt  some  of  my  sect  are  extravagant;  I 
14 


350 


WHY  WIMMEN  ARE  EXTRAVAGANT. 


dare  persume  to  say  that  some  of  the  big  wiinmeii  in 
Washington  and  New  York,  and  other  big  villages  of 
the  Union,  git  new  clothes  sometimes  before  the  old 
ones  are  wore  out ; I hear  they  say,  that  they  have  to 
dress  up  or  they  can’t  git  any  attention  paid  to  ’em 
from  the  more  opposite  sect ; I hear  they  say,  that 
the  men  there  look  down  on  ’em,  and  slight  ’em,  and 
treat  ’em  like  perfect  underlin’s  if  they  haint  dressed 
right  up  in  the  height  of  fashion.  Why,  they  say 
there  was  a fashionable  woman  at  Washington  whose 
bo  had  wrote  a witherin’  piece  ag’inst  wimmen’s  base 
wicked  extravagance,  bewarin’  ’em,  and  urgin’  ’em  in 
the  name  of  all  that  was  great  and  good  to  come  out 
and  wear  thick  shoes,  and  dress  with  republican  sim- 
plicity; and  she,  bein’  converted  by  his  burnin’  elo- 
quence, and  bein’  anxious 
to  marry  him,  thought  she 
could  bring  him  to  terms 
by  follerin’  on  after  his  ad- 
vice. So  she  arrayed  her 
self  in  a brown,  high-necked 
alapaca  dress,  barren  of  ruf- 
fles and  puckers,  made  to 
clear  the  floor  and  show 
her  sensible  calf-skin  shoes, 
and  went  to  a big  party,  ex- 
pectin’ her  bo  would  be  so  thankful  to  her  for  foller- 
in’his  advice;  so  proud  of  her;  so  highly  pleased 
with  her  behavior,  that  she  would  go  home  as  good 


DANGER  OP  FOLLERIN^  MEN'S  ADVICE.  351 


as  married  to  him.  But  they  say,  when  he  see  how 
she  was  dressed,  he  wouldn’t  speak  to  her,  nor  look 
at  her ; it  broke  up  the  match,  he  treated  her  with 
awful  contempt,  and  witherin’  scorn  ; and  she  went 
into  extravagance  more  than  ever ; spent  every  cent 
of  her  property  in  gauzes,  and  bobinet  lace  and  things, 
wore  ’em  all  out,  and  then  went  to  the  poor-house,  a 
victim  of  lean  in’  too 
heavy  onto  such 
men’s  bewares.  Lost 
and  ondone;  broke 
down  and  mortified 
by  hangin’  too  blind- 
ly onto  that  man’s 
moral  apron  strings ; 

I pity  her,  but  I don’t 
uphold  her,  nor  him 
neither;  their  heads 
was  soft,  both  on 
’em,  too  soft  for 
comfort. 

dare  say  that 
there  are  lots  of  wim-  extravagant  wimmen. 

men  besides  her  that  git  new  biinnets  when  they 
haint  a sufferin’  for  ’em,  and  buy  new  dresses  when 
their  old  ones  haint  hardly  come  to  mendin’,  and 
mebby  some  of  ’em  have  two  or  three  sets  of  jewelry 
at  one  time ; and  these  dresses,  and  bunnets,  and 
jewelry,  folks  can  lay  holt  of,  and  shake  out  before 


352 


WHICH  IS  THE  WORST? 


the  eyes  of  the  public,  and  the  public  can  look  at  ’em, 
and  shed  tears  onto  ’em,  and  bewail  over  ’em  about 
wimrnen’s  extravagance ; but  men’s  extravagance  haiiit 
so  easy  to  git  holt  of  as  store  clothes  be.  You  can’t 
weep  over  cigar  smoke  when  it  is  evaporated,  and 
after  they  are  over  with,  you  can’t  git  holt  of  costly 
wines,  and  club  dinners,  and  yot  races,  and  rides  after 


FRUGAL  MEN. 


fast  horses,  and  bets,  and  gamblin’  debts,  and  worse. 
As  T said,  their  extravagance  is  harder  to  git  holt  of, 
but  it  is  worse  than  hers;  for  if  she  and  he  gits  hun- 
gry, she  can  sell  her  jewelry  and  fine  clothes  to  buy 
bread  for  ’em,  but  who — no  matter  how  big  a speculator 
he  is — who  can  sell  costly  lunches  years  afterwards. 


'‘THE  LILIES  OF  THE  FIELD/' 


353 


and  wines  after  they  are  drunk  up,  and  gamin’  and 
horse  debts  after  they  are  paid  up,  and  old  pleasure 
rides  after  fast  horses,  and  etcetery.  A man  couldn’t 
sell  ’em  at  any  lay  at  all,  if  he  starved  to  death  ; so  man’s 
extravagance  is  more  extravagant  than  woman’s. 

The  Deacon  didn’t  mind  my  words  no  more’n  the 
wind  a whistlin’  round  the  corner  of  the  barn  ; but 
he  give  a look  onto  the  little  white  waist  that  was  a 
layin’  on  the  table,  as  angry  and  rebukin’  a look  as  I 
ever  see,  and  says  he : To  think  an  immortal  soul 

will  peril  its  hopes  of  heaven  on  such  wicked  vanity.” 

^‘Wicked!”  says  I,  holdin’  up  the  little  waist 
admirin’ly  on  my  thumb  and  forefinger.  ^^It  haint 
wicked,  it  is  as  white  as  chalk  clean  through ; ” says 
I,  who  told  us  to  consider  the  lilies,  and  they  are 
puckered  up,  and  ruffled  off  as  much  again  as  this  is, 
and  all  ornamented  off  with  little  gold  ornaments ; 
if  there  was  any  wickedness  in  ’em  would  He  have 
sot  us  to  considerin’  of  ’em?  Iso!  Zebulin  Coffin, 
no ! ” And  then  I went  on  in  pretty  reasonable 
tones:  ‘^Ho  woman  can  have  stronger  principles 
than  I have  on  the  subject  of  ruffles  and  knife  pleat- 
in’s,  when  pursued  after  as  a stiddy  business  and  a 
trade.  But  I say  it  is  jest  as  sensible  to  expect 
young  folks  in  the  spring  of  life,  to  want  to  kinder 
trim  themselves  out  and  look  pretty,  as  it  is  to  expect 
everything  else  to  kinder  blow  out  in  the  spring  of 
the  year;  apple  trees,  and  pozy  beds  and  so  4th.” 
Says  I,  am  a Promiscous  Advisor  by  trade  Uncle 


354 


SAMANTHA  GIVES  A HINT. 


Zebulin,  and  I feel  it  my  duty  to  say  to  you  promis- 
cously,  that  you  are  unreasonable;  you  don’t  have 
charit}^  enough  for  folks.” 

And  then  as  I calculated  to  all  the  time,  I give  him 
a very,  very  blind  hint  about  Tom  Pitkins — for  I 
thought  mebby  I could  mollyfy  the  old  Deacon  about 
him  — and  so  says  I in  a awful  roundabout,  blind 
way  : Mebby  you  haint  charity  enough  for  a certain 
person  that  is  likely  as  likely  can  be  ; mebby  you  con- 
demn this  certain  person  because  he  plays  dominoes, 
and  has  danced  a very  little  in  a neighborly  way. 

The  Deacon  acted  mad ; and  he  run  on  about  danc- 
in’ almost  fearfully,  when  I asked  him  considerable 
calmly : Did  you  ever  dance  when  you  was  young. 

Uncle  Zeb  ? ” 

If  a look  could  have  cut  anybodys  head  off,  my 
Josiah  would  have  mourned  over  a guluntined  com- 
panion that  very  minute. 

Dance!  I dance Oh  how  he  went  on;  and 
says  I,  I s’pose  you  went  to  parties  and  played  ? ” 

Oh  yes,”  says  he,  “ In  youthful  mirth  I gambolled 
through  the  innocent  forms  of  ‘ Wink  ’em  Slyly’  and 
such,  but  I never  danced,  I never  committed  that  sin.” 

INA,”  says  I,  but  you  went  through  with  all  the 
motions  of  dancin’,  caperin'  round  the  room,  chasin’ 
likely  wimmen  to  Copenhagen;  and  a runnin’  ’em 
through  the  Needles-eye  till  they  was  most  dead. 
Winkin’  of  ’em  slyly,  and  racin’  ’em  round  till  you 
most  run  your  precious  legs  off  and  theirn  too.  You 


''  WINK  ’EM  SLYLY.” 


355 


went  through  all  the  motions  of  dancin’,  only  instead 
of  takin’  their  hands  and  promenadin’  down  the  room 
with  ’em  at  a slow  respectable  gait  to  the  sound  of 
music,  you  laid  too  and  chased  ’em,  galloped  after 
’em  like  a wild  Injun  till  you  chased  ’em  down  ; 
takin’  the  advantage  of  ’em  by  dodgin’  unbeknown  to 


THE  DEACON’S  OLD  GAME. 


’em — catchin’  holt  of  ’em  and  a tearin’  their  dresses, 
rippin’  of  ’em  off  at  the  waist ; steppin,  through 
their  flounces,  towzelin’  their  hair,  and  lamin’  of ’em. 
You  chased  ’em  round  in  a particular  form  jest  like 
dancin’  only  what  took  the  wickedness  off  was  your 


356 


CHILDREN’S  RIGHTS. 


kissin’  ’em  when  you  catched  ’em  ; every  man  in  the 
room  kissin’  every  woman  promiscous;  that  made  it 
moral  and  religious,  so  Deacons  and  all  other  meetin’ 
house  folks  could  foller  it  up.” 

He  looked  wratliful,  very;  hut  I continued  on  in 
more  reasonable  axents : 

I never  had  no  call  to  be  a dancer,  I always 
thought  my  time  could  be  spent  in  a more  profitable 
way ; and  my  Tirzali  Ann  never  had  no  call  that 
way,  and  neither  did-  she  ever  take  to  those  promis- 
cous kissin’  parties.  When  she  was  a little  mite  of  a 
girl  she  didn’t  want  to  kiss  anybody  but  her  pa  and 
me,  and  I wouldn’t  make  her.  Some  thought  she 
was  too  dainty  and  I ort  to  punish  her.  Wimmeii 
with  their  faces  covered  with  scotch  snuff,  have  argued 
with  me  that  it  was  my  duty  to  whip  her  for  hang- 
in’  back  from  kissin’  ’em  ; but  I says  to  ’em  what  if 
some  big  giant  should  stand  over  me  and  make  me 
kiss  Simon  Slimpsey  or  Solomon  Cypher,  how  should 
I feel  ? And  Tirzah  Ann  has  her  rights  as  well  as  I 
have — childern’s  rights  are  jest  as  right  as  wimmen’s 
rights.  Why  should  I,  because  I am  physically  strong- 
er than  she  is,  force  her  to  do  what  is  disagreeable 
and  repulsive  to  her?  There  is  no  justice  in  it. 
Little  childern  forced  into  this  life  entirely  unbe- 
known to  them,  called  out  of  the  peaceful  land  of 
Nowhere  into  this  troublesome  world  by  no  will  of 
their  own,  ort  to  be  treated  well,  Zebulin  Coffin,  by 
their  fathers  and  mothers  and  parents.  It  is  a solemn 


A GRAVE  RESPONSIBILITY. 


357 


thing,  one  of  the  solemnest  things  that  ever  was  done 
to  wake  np  a deathless  sonl,  to  be  endlessly  happy  or 
miserable.  An  immortal  soul,  that  can’t  through 
time  or  eternity — no  matter  how  tired  it  is,  ever  go  to 
sleep  again ; can’t  never  lay  off  for  half  a moment,  if 
ever  so  weary  and  despairin’,  the  burden  of  life’s 
responsibilities,  the  burden  of  life’s  sorrows;  can’t 
never  lay  down  the  awful — awful  because  so  mysteri- 
ous— gift  of  immortality;  can’t  never  go  back  to  the 
serene  if  lonesome  land  you  called  ’em  from — they 
have  got  to  face  sorrpw  and  weariness  and  death.  You 
have  sot  ’em  down  in  front  of  them  troubles  anyway ; 
and  the  least  you  can  do  for  ’em  is  to  make  ’em  as 
happy  as  you  can  ; treat  ’em  with  respect  and  civility 
and  do  well  by  ’em.  And  if  their  hearts  seem  to  be 
sot  on  certain  persons,  if  them  certain  persons  are 
likely — which  they  be — we  ort  to  do  as  we  would  be 
done  by  if  we  was  in  Tom’s  and  Molly’s  place.” 

But  I see  then  that  even  these  roundabout  hints 
wouldn’t  be  took.  I see  how  hard  it  was  to  mollyfy 
him  about  Molly,  and  I hastened  to  continue  on. 

As  I was  a sayin’,  I wouldn’t  make  Tirzah  Ann 
kiss  folks  promiscous  when  she  was  a child,  and  when 
she  grew  up  sort  of  bashful  like,  it  didn’t  trouble  me, 
for  I knew  her  little  dainty,  timid,  modest  ways  was 
jest  like  the  blush  on  a peach  or  a bunch  of  grapes  ; 
if  that  got  brushed  off  by  rough  handlin’,  all  the 
world  couldn’t  never  put  it  back  again.  As  I said,  she 
never  had  no  drawin’  towards  balls  and  promiscous 
14* 


358 


HOW  WE  BROUGHT  UP  TIRZAH. 


parties,  and  runniii’  off  nights  away  from  home.  And 
though  I don’t  consider  it  the  height  of  wickedness 
at  all,  still  it  didn’t  worry  me  a bit  to  have  her  con- 
tented and  willin’  to  stay  to  home.  She  said  home 
was  the  pleasantest  spot  in  the  world  to  her,  and  so 
Thomas  J.  said.  Josiah  and  I did  our  best  to  make 
home  pleasant  to  the  childern  ; we  had  all  sorts  of 
virtuous  and  harmless  games,  music  and  etcetery,  to 
make  ’em  happy — and  they  was  happy.  We  worked 
hard  to  git  ’em  headed  right — and  they  did  head  right ; 
and  when  a likely  young  man  come  along  that  loved 
Tirzah  Ann,  and  she  him,  why  we  give  our  consent, 
jest  as  in  my  opinion  certain  persons  ort  to  have  the 
free  and  full  consent  of  a certain  Deacon.” 

I would  give  him  a blind  hint  once  in  a while,  if  he 
took  my  head  off ; but  I see  by  his  looks  that  it 
wouldn’t  do  to'corne  out  plain  jest  yet,  so  I went  on: 

I tried  to  make  myself  a sort  of  a mate  to  my 
Tirzah  Ann,  brought  her  up  so’s  not  to  feel  awe- 
struck, and  afraid  of  me;  afraid  to  confide  all  her 
little  tribulations  and  worry  men  ts  to  me.”  Saj-s  I, 
We  worked  head  work  to  keep  ’em  good  and  happy ; 
Josiah  and  me  did.” 

The  Deacon  had  sot  for  the  last  several  moments 
with  his  head  right  up  in  the  air,  and  his  eyes  rolled 
up  so  I couldn’t  see  much  besides  the  whites  of  ’em, 
and  as  I stopped  a few  moments  (for  truly  my  breath 
had  give  out,  my  deep  principle  tone  uses  up  breath 
dretful  fast)  he  groaned  out ; WorTcs,'^^ 


FAITH  AND  WORKS  SHOULD  GO  TOGETHER.  359 


But  I says  mildly,  don’t  you  believe  in  works?  ” 

^^No  I don’t,  I believe  in  faith ; you  seem  to  lay 
out  to  be  saved  by  works.”  And  again  he  spoke  out 
that  works,”  as  if  it  was  the  meanest  thing  he  ever 
heerd  on ; he  lifted  up  his  nose  in  as  unbelievin,  and 
scornful  a way  as  I ever  see  a nose  lifted  up. 

But  I kep’  cool,  and  says  I,  No,  I don’t ; but  I 
believe  faith  and  works  ort  to  go  together  ; they  ort 
to  work  in  one  harness  a drawin’  the  soul  along 
the  straight  and  narrer  way.”  Says  I,  They  haint 
calculated  to  work  in  a single  harness,  either  of  ’em ; 
they  are  double  breasted,  and  folks  ort  to  realize  that 
they  be.”  Says  I,  I have  seen  folks  before  now 
that  kep’  the  eye  of  their  faith  bent  so  stiddy  up- 
wards, that  they  didn’t  know  nor  care  how  many 
weak  and  helpless  ones  they  was  crunchin’  down 
under  their  heels ; how  many  infant  babes  was  a per- 
ishin’  with  hunger  about  ’em,  starvin’  physically,  and 
spiritually  ; the  air  full  of  the  groans  and  prayers  of  a 
sufferin’  humanity,  and  they  a walkin’  calmly  on,  a 
hangiii’  on  to  their  faith,  and  their  old  beliefs,  as  if  it 
was  the  most  delightful  and  consolin’  thing  they  ever 
heerd  on,  to  think  they  was  goin’  to  be  saved,  and 
somebody  else  wasn’t.  And  then  I’ve  seen  them  that 
laid  themselves  out  on  their  good  works,  thought  they 
was  goin’  to  earn  a deed  of  the  heavenly  homestead 
by  doin’  day’s  works  below ; think  they  made  them- 
selves, and  worship  their  maker.  But  there  haint 
either  of  these  ways  the  right  way.” 


360 


FAITH  WITHOUT  WORKS. 


Says  I,  you  was  a drow^ndiii’,  you  would  believe 
in  faith  and  works  both.  You  would  want  somebody 
to  have  faith,  they  could  git  you  out,  and  then  you 
would  want  ’em  to  lay  to,  and  haul  you  ashore.”  Says 
I,  Faith  alone  in  that  case  would  drownd  you  stiff- 
er’n  a mush-rat ; and  jest  so  in  various  cases, — poor 
widders  for  instance.  Now  several  hundred  deacons 
may  git  together  in  a warm  meetin’-house,  and  lean 
over  on  their  creeds  and  have  faith  that  a certain  wid- 
der  will  come  through  the  winter  all  right.  And 
probable  it  wouldn’t  be  half  the  help  to  her  that  one 


helpin’  the  widder. 


small  deacon  would  be  that  loaded  up  his  Bobs  with 
stove-wood,  and  flour,  and  potatoes,  and  side-pork,  and 
jest  worked  his  way  along  through  the  snow  to  her 


WORKS  WITHOUT  FAITH. 


361 


cold  empty  suller.  And  then  on  the  other  hand  not 
to  have  any  faith,  that  I couldn’t  stand.  Some  folks 
say  they  wont  believe  in  anything  they  can’t  see  for 
themselves.  Good  land  ! how  will  they  git  holt  of 
the  prefume  of  a rose,  or  tackle  a gust  of  wind  ? One 
is  sweet  enough  to  fill  you  with  happiness,  and  the 
other  is  strong  enough  to  blow  you  over ; but  you 
can’t  git  holt  of  one,  with  your  two  hands,  or  wrastle 
with  the  other  and  throw  it. 

We  work  by  faith  every  day  of  our  lives ; we 
plant  seed  in  the  dark  earth,  believin’  that  though  the 
seed  perishes,  it  will  break  the  bands  of  death,  and 
•rise  in  greenness  and  bloom  ; though  jest  how  it  does 
that  job  you  cant  tell,  nor  I cant,  nor  Josiah.  They 
needn’t  talk  to  me  about  not  believin’  anything  they 
don’t  understand  ; for  what  do  we  understand  come  to 
look  at  the  matter  fair  and  square  ? ” Says  I,  ^^Life  itself 
is  a sober  riddle,  the  solemnest  conundrum  that  was  ever 
put  out  to  humanity.  Who  has  ever  been  able  to  git 
the  right  answer  to  it  by  reasonin’  it  out  himself,  and 
if  he  did  cypher  out  an  answer,  to  suit  himself,  how 
would  he  know  it  was  the  right  one  ? We  see  that 
things  be,  but  why  they  be  so,  you  can’t  tell,  nor  I, 
nor  Josiah. 

Truly,  if  anybody  gits  to  pryin’  into  hidden 
things,  and  reasonin’  on  first  causes,  he  finds  that  the 
fiood  is  deep  and  the  rain  is  descendin’  onto  him,  and 
the  proud  peaks  of  his  own  reason  and  judgment  is 
drownded  completely  out.  But  God  has  sent  forth 


362 


A GOOD  ANCHOR. 


an  ark  that  rides  triumphant  on  the  face  of  the  waters  ; 
His  revealed  word  floats  above  the  rainy  deluge  of 
our  fears  and  wonderments.  * Not  to  have  any  faith 
would  tucker  me  completely  out ; there  would  be  a 
looseness  to  it  I couldn’t  stand,  a waverin’  unstiddj^- 
ness  that  would  upset  me,  and  take  me  offen  my  feet.” 

Says  I,  Faith  and  works  ort  to  be  twisted  in  one 
strand,  and  when  they  are,  they  make  a cord  that 
anchors  the  soul  to  the  Rock  of  Ages,  and  holds  it 
there  fast  and  Arm,  so  that  change,  and  chance,  and 
sin,  and  temptation,  and  all  the  storms  of  this  stormy 
life  will  beat  ag’inst  it  in  vain,  and  bimeby  that  very 
cord  will  draw  the  soul  right  up  through  the  pearly 
gates  into  the  city  of  onr  Lord.” 

I declare  I didn’t  hardly  know  where  I was,  nor 
who  I was,  I was  so  almost  lost  and  carried  away 
some'  distance  by  my  emotions.  But  I was  soon 
drawed  back  to  the  realities  of  this  life  by  Zebulin 
Coffin.  His  mind  w^as  a roamin’  back  to  the  subject 
on  wdiich  he  had  went  on,  and  again  he  spoke  out 
with  a groan  : To  think  ! to  think  I have  lived  to 

see  and  hear  a church  member  uphold  dancin’.” 

“ I haint  a holdin’  it  up,”  says  I,  coldly.  With  the 
firm  cast-iron  principles  I . have  got,  I never  would 
dance  a step  with  anybody  but  my  Josiah;  and  it 
haint  much  likely  we  shall  begin  to  learn  the  trade 
now,  as  old  as  we  be,  and  most  dead  wdth  the  rheuma- 
tiz,  both  on  us.  Why,  if  we  should  w^altz  together,  as 
lame  as  1 be,  I couldn’t  keep  ray  feet  half  a minute ; 


PLAIN  TALK  TO  UNCLE  ZEB. 


363 


and  if  I should  fall  on  my  pardner,  he  would  be  a 
dead  man,  and  I know  it ; I am  hefty,  very,  and  he 
is  small  boneded,  and  weighs  but  little  by  the  steel- 
yards. I love  that  man  devotedly,  and  I don’t  want 
to  dance ; but  I say  and  I contend  for  it,  if  I was  a 
follerin’  up  ^ Wink-em-Slyly’  and  etcetery,  I wouldn’t 
have  too  much  to  say  ag’inst  other  kinds  of  caperin’ 
round  the  floor,  such  as  dancin’  and  so  4th.” 

say  all  this  to  you.  Uncle  Zebulin,  not  as  Josiah 
Allen’s  wife,  but  as  a woman  with  a vow  on  her. 
When  folks  set  out  on  towers  as  Prorniscous  Advisors, 
they  set  out  as  sufferers  and  martyrs ; they  set  out 
expectin’  to  be  burnt  up  on  various  stakes  of  the  same. 
I have  locked  arms  with  Principle,  I am  keepin’ 
stiddy  company  with  Uuty,  and  they  are  a drawin’ 
me  along  and  a hunchin’  of  me  in  the  side,  a makin’ 
me  say  to  you,  that  you  are  as  self-righteous  as  the 
Old  Harry  ; that  you  are  more  sot  on  makin’  a pattern 
of  yourself  than  in  makin  the  world  ’round  you  hap- 
pier and  brighter ; that  instead  of  reflectin’  heaven’s 
peace  and  glory  back  again  upon  a sad  earth  as  Chris- 
tians ort  to,  you  have  made  a damper  of  yourself,  shet- 
tin’  off  all  warmth  and  light  and  happiness ; a damper 
for  sinners  to  set  down  and  freeze  to  death  by.” 

To  think  !”  he  groaned  out,  that  anybody  should 
dare  to  And  fault  with  me  when  I haint  committed  a 
sin  in  thirty-five  years,  nor  smiled  in  over  forty.” 

Not  laughin’  haint  no  sign  of  religion  Uncle  Zeb; 
because  a man  makes  himself  disagreeable  and  repul- 


364 


WHAT  TRUE  RELIGION  IS. 


sive,  that  haint  another  sign  ; gloom  and  discomfort 
haint  pietj  ; because  a man  is  in  pain  it  haint  no  sign 
he  is  enjoyin’  religion.  I wouldn’t  give  two  or  three 
straws  for  a religion  that  didn’t  make  folks  happier  as 
well  as  better  ; more  tender  and  charitable  and  pitiful ; 
more  loving  and  helpful  to  all  humanity.  Bigotry 
and  intolerance  never  was  religion.  Uncle  Zeb,  nor 
never  will  be,  though  they  have  been  called  so  time 
and  again  ; religion  is  sun  thin’  different,  it  is  as  beau- 
tiful as  they  are  hegus ; it  is  gentle,  full  of  joy  and 
peace,  pure,  easily  entreated,  full  of  good  works, 
mercy,  and  charity — which  is  love. 

It  is  not  Samantha,  but  a woman  on  the  battle- 
field of  Right,  who  is  a rakin’  you  down  with  the 
arrers  of  Truth  ; it  is  a Promiscous  Advisor  who 
says  to  you,  that  you  have  for  years  been  doin’  what 
a great  many  do  in  the  name  of  religion  ; you  have 
wrapped  yourself  in  your  own  dignity  and  self-right- 
eousness, and  worshipped  yourself  instead  of  God.” 

I didn’t  say  no  more  then  to  the  old  Deacon  in  a 
martyr  way  ; 1 pulled  in  the  reins  and  dismounted 
down  from  the  war  horse  that  was  a canterin’  away 
nobly  with  me,  and  a snortin’  in  the  cause  of  Right. 
Though  ready  and  willin’  in  spirit  to  mount  this  war 
lioMie  and  foller  on  where  Principle  leads,  without 
saddle  or  bridle,  and  to  suffer  as  a Promiscous  Advi- 
sor, still  it  is  a tuckerin’  business,  and  if  anybody  don’t 
believe  it,  let  em  ride  off  this  war-horse  on  a tower. 

And  the  very  hardest  and  most  tuckerin’  place  it 


THE  WAR-HORSE  OF  DUTY. 


365 


ever  cantered  into,  the  most  gaulin’  and  awfulest 
place  it  ever  pranced  round  in,  is  other  folks’es  housen. 
When  it  comes  to  advisin’  folks  promiscously,  under 
their  own  vials  and  mantletrees,”  never,  never  do  I 
feel  such  temptations  to  give  up  my  shield  and  fall 
offen  his  back.  Oh,  John  Rogers  ! you  never,  never 
suffered  more  excruciatin’ly  than  does  Josiah  Allen’s 
wife  in  such  moments.  Nothin’,  nothin’  but  princi- 
ple could  nerve  me  up  to  the  agonizin’  effort.  As  I 
said,  I didn’t  say  no  more  to  the  old  Deacon  that 
night  in  a martyr  way,  and  oh  ! what  a relief  it  was 
to  dismount  from  the  prancin’  steed  of  Duty,  throw 
off  the  sharp  moral  spur  from  my  achin’  feet,  curl  in 
my  lofty  principle  tone,  and  assume  again  the  gentle 
and  almost  affectionate  axents  of  Samantha. 

And  another  reason  why  I thought  I would  be  kind- 
er easy  with  the  old  Deacon  and  not  say  anything  to 
git  him  mad,  was  my  determination  to  mollyfy  him 
about  Molly — and  a plan  I had  in  my  head  growin’ 
bigger  and  stronger  every  minute — to  marry  that  girl 
to  Tom  Pithins^  myself^  before  1 left  that  house. 

The  hired  girl  had  told  me — I went  out  to  wash 
my  hands  to  the  sink  and  I happened  to  ask  her  in 
a polite  way  if  she  was  goin’  to  see  the  Sentinal,  and 
she  said  she  was,  that  the  old  Deacon  had  told  her  that 
day  he  was  goin’  to  be  married  in  two  weeks  to  Miss 
Horn,  and  shouldn’t  want  her  no  longer — and  if  he 
was  a goin’  to  marry  that  Horn  what  good  was  Molly 
a goin’  to  do  there,  only  in  a martyr  w^ay.  Some 


366 


PLANS  LAID. 


gentle  souls  seem  to  be  born  martyrs,  not  to  principles 
and  idees,  but  ready  to  be  offered  up  on  a Horn  or 
anything ; ready  to  be  pricked  and  scattered  over 
with  snuff  in  their  pinnin’  blankets,  and  grow  up 
ready  to  sacrifice  themselves  to  any  idol  that  calls  on 
’em  to — crumple  right  down  and  be  sot  fire  to — such 
was  Molly.  And  it  is  for  some  strong  hearted  friend 
to  snatch  ’em  away  from  the  fagots  and  the  kindlin’ 
wood, — such  a friend  is  Samantha.  Some  see  happi- 
ness right  in  front  of  ’em,  and  are  too  weak  to  grasp 
holt  of  it ; such  need  the  help  of  a hand  like  hers. 

I lay  awake  the  biggest  heft  of  that  night,  a think- 
in’  in  deep  thought,  and  a layin’  on  plans.  And  final- 
ly I guess  about  three  o’clock,  I spoke  out  and  says  I : 

Josiah  Allen,  we  have  got  to  marry  Molly  to-day 
before  we  leave  this  house.” 

Good  land  ! ” says  Josiah  startin’  up  on  his  piller 
full  of  horrer.  Good  land,”  says  he,  I haint  a 
Mormon,  Samantha,  I can’t  marry  to  another  woman.” 

Says  I coolly,  Lay  down  and  compose  yourseK 
Josiah  Allen  ; I am  a goin’  to  marry  her  myself.” 

This  skairt  him  worse  than  ever  I could  see,  and  he 
started  up,  with  a still  more  ghastly  look  onto  him. 
He  was  so  pale  with  horrer  that  his  bald  head  shone 
in  the  moonlight  like  a big  goose  egg,  and  his  eyes 
stood  out  about  a quarter  of  an  inch  with  fear  and 
excitement.  He  thought  I was  delerious^  says  he  in 
tremblin’  tones:  What  does  ail  you  Samantha!  Shant 
I rub  your  back?  Don’t  you  want  sunthin’  to  take?” 


JOSIAH’S  SLUMBERS  DISTURBED. 


3C7 


Says  I calmly,  “ I want  a companion  that  wont 
interrupt  me  before  I finish  a speech.  1 am  a goin’ 
to  marry  Molly  to  Tom  Pitkins  myself  before  I leave 


“l  HAINT  A MORMON,” 


this  house.  Lay  down  Josiah  Allen  and  keep  still 
while  I talk  it  over  with  you.” 

Talk  it  over  ! ” says  he  in  loud  angry  tones,  throw- 
in’  his  head  back  on  the  piller.  I would  break  out 
in  the  dead  of  night,  and  scare  a man  to  deatli,  a talk- 
in’ and  a arguin’.  Do  go  to  sleep,  and  lemme.” 

But  I held  firm,  and  would  tell  him  about  the  plan 
I had  been  alayin’  on  through  the  night.  I would  tell 
him  how  I meant  to  mollyfy  the  Deacon  about  Molly. 

Says  I,  Josiah  Allen,  I am  a woman  that  has  got 


368 


MOLLY’S  MARRIAGE  DISCUSSED. 


a vow  on  me,  and  I love  that  girl,  as  little  as  I have 
seen  of  her,  and  I am  a goin’  to  do  by  her  as  I would 
want  our  Tirzah  Ann  done  by.”  Says  I,  We  shant 
probable  never  visit  Loon  Town  again  ; Tom  Pitkins 
is  liable  to  die  off  any  time  with  the  feelin’s  he  feels 
for  her ; she  is  liable  to  die  off  any  minute  with  her 
unhappiness,  and  her  feelings  for  him.  I shouldn’t 
wonder  a mite  if  they  didn’t  live  more’n  ten  or  fifteen 
years  if  things  go  on  as  they  be  now.  And  as  bad 
off  and  wretched  as  Molly  is  now,  worse  is  ahead  of 
her,  the  gloom  of  a Coffin  is  enough,  let  alone  the 
hardness  of  a Horn.  Molly  haint  a goin’  to  be  sacri- 
ficed on  that  Horn,  while  I have  got  a life  left. 
Desperate  diseases  require  desperate  medicines.” 

Well,  do  for  mercy’s  sake  go  to  sleep  and  lemme.” 

What  if  it  was  our  Tirzah  Ann  that  was  in  her 
place.”  Says  I in  a low  deep  voice,  Haint  you  a 
father,  Josiah  Allen  ? ” 

^^No  I haint!  ” he  snapped  out  enough  to  tear  my 
night  cap  in  to.  No  I haint,  nothin’  nor  nobody, 
nor  I wont  be  at  this  time  of  night.” 

■ Haint  you  no  principle  ? ” says  I. 

No  I haint  ^ not  a darn  principle.” 

^‘I’d  lay  and  swear  if  I was  in  your  place  Josiah 
Allen,”  says  I almost  coldly. 

“Well!  the  idee  of  roustin’  anybody  up  in  the 
dead  of  night,  and  callin’  on  ’em  for  principle  and 
things.  But  yon  wont  git  any  principle  out  of  me 
at  this  time  of  night,  you’ll  see  yon  wont,”  he  hollered. 


THE  DEACON  MOLLYFIED. 


369 


He  was  almost  a luny  for  the  time  bein’.  I pitted 
him,  and  says  I soothin’ly  : 

Go  to  sleep  Josiah,  and  we’ll  talk  it  over  in  the 
mornin’.” 

He  dropped  otF  to  sleep,  and  I kep’  on  a thinkin’ 
and  a layin’  on  my  plans  to  marry  Molly  off‘  till  most 
mornin’.  And  I did  it,  I married  off  Molly  about 
one  o’clock  and  we  started  for  the  Sentinal  in  the 
neighborhood  of  two. 

Jest  how  I mollyfied  the  old  Deacon  about  Molly, 
and  brought  him  to  terms,  I thought  I wouldn’t  tell 
to  anybody  but  Josiah.  Mebby  there  was  hints 
throwed  out  to  him  that  there  was  Horns  that  would 
be  meddled  with,  and  sot  up  ag’inst  him.  I guess  I 
hadn’t  better  tell  it,  for  I made  up  my  mind  that  I 
wouldn’t  say  nothin’  about  it  to  anybody  but  my 
Josiah.  But  I dressed  Molly  up  that  very  afternoon, 
— she  a blushin’  and  a laughin’  and  a cryin’  at  the 
same  time — in  that  verv  white  dress,  and  married 
her  myself  (assisted  by  a Methodist  minister)  to  Tom 
Bitkins. 

And  I have  learned  by  a letter  from  Molly,  and 
she  sent  me  her  new  picture,  (they  have  gone  to 
housekeepin’  and  are  as  hapj^y  as  kings)  that  her 
father  is  married  to  Miss  Horn.  And  all  I have  got 
to  say  is,  that  she  needs  a good  horn  disposition  to  git 
along  with  him.  And  he,  unless  I am  mistaken,  will 
wish  before  tlie  year  was  up  that  he  was  a sleepin’ 
peacefully  inside  of  his  own  Sername. 


THE  GRAND  EXHIBITION. 


EKOM  the  first  minute  I had  give  a thought  to  goin’ 
to  see  the  Sentinal,  my  idee  had  been  to  git  board- 
ed up  in  a private  house.  And  I had  my  eye  (mj^ 
mind’s  eye)  upon  w^ho  was  willin’  and  glad  to  board  us. 
The  Editor  of  the  Auger’ses  wife’s  sister’s  husband’s 
cousin  boarded  folks  for  a livin’ — she  was  a Dickey 
and  married  to  a Lampheare.  The  Editor  of  the 
Auger’ses  wife  told  me  early  in  the  spring,  that  if 
she  went,  she  should  go  through  the  Sentinal  to  her 
sisters’,  and  she  happened  to  mention  Miss  Lampheare 
and  the  fact  that  she  boarded  up  folks  for  a livin’.  So 
when  we  decided  to  go,  I told  her  when  she  wj’ote  to 
her  sister  to  ask  her,  to  ask  Miss  Lampheare  if  she 
was  willin’  to  board  Josiah  and  me,  and  how  much 
she  would  ask  for  the  boards.  She  wrote  back  ; her 
terms  was  moderate  and  inside  of  our  means,  and 
my  mind  was  at  rest.  I almost  knew  that  Josiah 
would  want  to  throw  himself  onto  his  relatives 

370 


ENCAMPING  ON  RELATIVES. 


371 


through  the  Sentinal,  but  the  underpinnin’  was  no 
firmer  and  rockier  under  our  horse  barn  than  the  de- 
termination of  her  that  was  Samantha  Smith,  not  to 
encamp  u23on  a 2nd  cousin.  We  had  quite  a lot  of 
relations  a livin’  out  to  Filadelfy — though  we  never 
seen  ’em, — sort  o’  distant,  such  as  2nd  cousins,  and 
so  4:th,  till  they  dwindled  out  of  bein’  any  relations 
at  all;  descendants  of  the  Daggets  and  Kidds, — 
Grandmother  Allen  was  a Kidd — no  relation  of  old 
Captain  Kidd.  Ko ! if  any  of  his  blood  had  been  in 
my  Josiah’s  veins,  I would  have  bled  him  myself  if  I 
had  took  a darnin’  needle  to  it.  No!  the  Kidd’ses 
are  likely  folks  as  I have  heerd — and  Josiah  was 
rampant  to  go  to  cousin  Sam  Kidds  (a  Captain  in  the 
late  war),  through  the  Sentinal.  But  again  I says  to 
him  calmly  but  firmly  : 

No  ! Josiah  Allen,  no  1 anything  but  bringin’ 
grief  and  trouble  onto  perfect  strangers  jest  because 
they  happened  to  be  born  second  cousin  to  you,  un- 
beknown to  ’em  ; ” and  I repeated  with  icy  firmness 
— for  I see  he  was  a hankerin’  awfully, — Josiah 
Allen  I will  not  encamp  upon  Captain  Kidd  through 
the  Sentinal.” 

No!  Miss  Lampheare  was  my  theme,  and  my  gole, 
and  all  boyed  up  Math  hope  we  arrove  at  her  dwellin’ 
place.  Miss  Lampheare  met  us  at  the  door  herself. 
She  M^s  a tall  spindlin’  lookin’  woman,  one  that  had 
seen  trouble — for  she  had  always  kep’  boarders,  and 
had  had  four  husbands,  and  buried  ’em  in  a row,  her 


372 


SEEKIN’  BOARD. 


present  one  bein’  now  in  a decline.  When  I told  her 
who  I was,  she  met  me  with  warmth  and  said  that 
any  friend  of  she  that  was  Alminy  Dickey  was  dear 
to  her.  But  friendship,  let  it  be  ever  so  ardent  can 
not  obtain  cream  from  well  water,  or  cause  iron  bed- 
steads to  stretch  out  like  Injy  Rubber.  She  had  ex- 
pected us  sooner,  if  we  come  at  all,  and  her  house  was 
overflowin’  — every  bed,  lounge,  corner  and  cupboard, 
being  occupied,  and  the  buro  and  stand  draws  made 
up  nightly  for  childern.” 

What  was  we  to  do  % Night  would  soon  let  down 
her  cloudy  mantilly  upon  Josiah  and  me,  and  what 
was  to  become  of  us.  Miss  Lampheare  seemed  to 
pity  us,  and  she  directed  us  to  a friend  of  hers  ; that 
friend  was  full ; he  directed  us  to  another  friend  ; that 
friend  was  overflowin’.  And  so  it  went  on  till  we 
was  almost  completely  tired  out.  At  last  Josiah  come 
out  of  a house,  where  he  had  been  seekin’  rest  and 
findin’  it  not ; says  he  : 

They  said  mebby  we  could  git  a room  at  the 
^ Grand  Imposition  Hotel.’  ” So  we  started  off  there, 
Josiah  a scoldin’  every  step  of  the  way,  and  a say  in’ : 

I told  you  jest  how  it  would  be,  we  ort  to  have 
gone  to  Captain  Kidd’s.” 

I didn’t  say  nothin’  back  on  the  outside  for  I see 
by  his  face  that  it  was  no  time  for  parley.  But  my 
mind  was  Arm  on  the  inside,  to  board  in  grocery 
stores,  and  room  under  my  umberell,  before  I threw 
myself  onto  a perfect  stranger  through  the  Sentinal. 


THE  GRAND  IMPOSITION  HOTEL. 


373 


But  a recital  of  our  agony  of  mind  and  body  will 
be  of  little  interest  to  the  gay,  and  only  sadden  the 
tender  hearted ; and  suffice  it  to  say  in  a hour’s  time, 
we  was  a follerin’  the  hired  man  to  a room  in  the 
‘‘  Grand  Imposition  Hotel.” 

Our  room  was  good  enough,  and  big  enough  for 
Josiah  and  me  to  turn  round  in  it  one  at  a time.  It 
had  a bed  considerable  narrer,  but  good  and  healthy 
— hard  beds  are  considered  healthy,  by  the  best  of 
doctors — a chair,  a lookin’  glass,  and  a wash-stand. 
Josiah  made  a sight  of  fun  of  that,  because  it  didn’t 
have  but  three  legs. 

But  says  I firmly,  That  is  one  more  than  you  have 
got  Josiah  Allen.”  I wouldn’t  stand  none  of  his 
foolin’. 

The  room  bein’  pretty  nigh  to  the  ruff*, — very  nigh 
on  the  backside, — Josiah  complained  a sight  about 
hittin’  his  head  ag’inst  the  rafters.  I told  him  to 
keep  out  then  where  he  belonged,  and  not  go  to 
prowlin’  round  at  the  foot  of  the  bed. 

“Where  shall  I go  to  Samantha,”  says  he  in 
pitiful  axents.  “ I let  you  have  the  chair,  and  what 
will  become  of  me,  if  I don’t  set  somewhere,  on  the 
bed,  or  sunthin’.” 

“Well,”  says  I mildly,  “less  try  to  make  the 
best  of  things.  It  haint  reasonable  to  expect  to  be  to 
home  and  on  a tower  at  the  same  time,  simultaneous.” 

When  we  eat  supper  we  had  a considerable  journey 

to  the  dinin’  room,  which  looked  a good  deal  on  the 
15 


374 


JOSIAH  ENJOYS  THE  HOTEL. 


plan  of  Miss  Astor’ses,  with  lots  of  colored  folks  a 
goin’  round,  a waitin’  on  the  hungry  crowd.  I didn’t 
see  the  woman  of  the  house — mebby  she  was  laid  up 
with  a headache,  or  had  gone  out  for  an  afternoon’s 
visit — but  the  colored  waiters  seemed  to  be  real  careful 
of  her  property  ; they’d  catch  a tea-spoon  right  out 
of  their  pocket  and  put  it  in  your  tea ; she  couldn’t 
have  kep'  a closer  grip  on  her  tea-spoons  herself. 

I can  truly  say  without  stretchin’  the  truth  the 
width  of  a horse  hair,  that  the  chamber-maid  was  as 
cross  as  a bear,  for  every  identical  thing  I asked  her 
for  was  a extra — she  couldn’t  do  it  without  extra 
pay,  but  she  did  git  me  some  ice  water  once,  with- 
out askin’  me  a cent  extra  for  it.  After  we  got  to 
bed  Josiah  would  lay  and  talk.  He  would  speak  out 
all  of  a sudden  : 

Grand  Imposition  Hotel !” 

And  I’d  say,  What  of  it,  what  if  it  is  ?” 

And  then  he’d  say  : They  have  got  a crackin’ 

good  name,  Samantha.  I love  to  see  names  that 
moan  sunthin.’  ” And  then  he’d  ask  me  if  I remem- 
bered the  song  about  Barbara  Allen,  and  if  it  would 
hurt  my  feelin’s  if  he  should  lay  and  sing  a verse  of 
it  to  me,  the  bed  put  him  in  mind  of  it  so.” 

1 asked  him  what  verse — but  there  was  that  in  my 
tone  that  made  him  say  no  more  about  singin’ — he 
said  it  was  the  verse  where  Barbara  wanted  her 
mother  to  have  her  coffin  made  long  and  narrer.” 
And  then  he’d  begin  again  about  the  pillers,  and  say 


MUSQUITOES  AND  TRAMPS. 


375 


how  he  wished  he  had  brought  a couple  of  feathers 
from  home,  to  lay  on,  so  he  could  have  got  some  rest. 
He  had  pulled  out  a little  wad  of  cotton-battin’  before 
we  went  to  bed  to  convince  me  of  their  ingredents. 

But  I says  to  him:  Josiah  Allen,  a easy  con- 
science can  rest  even  on  cotton-battiii’  pillers,”  and  I 
added  in  awful  meanin’  tones,  1 am  sleepy,  Josiah 
Allen,  and  want  to  go  to  sleep.  It  is  time,’’  says  I 
with  dignity,  that  we  was  both  reposin’  in  the  arms 
of  Morphine.” 

Nothin’  quells  him  down  quicker  than  to  have  me 
talk  in  a classical  high  learnt  way,  and  in  a few  min- 
utes he  was  fast  asleep.  But  though,  as  I told  J osiah, 
my  conscience  was  at  rest  and  I felt  sleepy,  the  mus- 
quitoes  was  dretful^  and  I don’t  know  as  a guilty  con- 
science could  roust  anybody  up  much  more,  or  gall 
anybody  more  fearfully.  They  was  truly  tegus.  And 
then  the  partition  bein’  but  thin,  I could  hear  folks  a 
walkin’ all  night— and  take  it  with  their  trampin’  and 
the  musquitoes  payin’  so  much  attention  to  me,  I 
never  got  no  good  sleep  ’till  most  rnornin’;  but  then 
I got  a good  nap,  and  felt  considerable  chirk  when  I 
got  up.  We  eat  our  breakfast  in  pretty  good  season 
and  laid  out  to  git  a early  start. 

I didn’t  have  but  one  draw-back  worth  mentionin’ 
and  that  was,  I had  lost  one  eye  out  of  my  specks 
somewhere  on  our  way  from  Melankton  Spicer’ses, 
and  1 told  Josiah  I felt  mortified,  after  I had  lotted 
so  on  seein’  the  Sentinal,  to  think  I had  got  to  see 


376 


STARTIN*  FOR  THE  EXHIBITION. 


him  with  one  eye  out ; says  he  : ‘‘I  guess  you’ll  see 
enough  with  one  eye  before  night.” 

Then  I put  on  my  things  and  we  sot  sail.  It  was 
a lovely  mornin’  though  considerable  warm,  and  I felt 
well,  and  almost  gay  in  spirits  as  we  wended  our  way 
on  our  long  and  tegus  journey  from  our  room  to  the 
outside  of  the  house ; (we  was  goin’  to  walk  afoot  to 
the  Sentinal,  the  distance  bein’  but  short  and  triflin’) 
but  at  last  we  reached  the  piazza,  and  emerged  into 
the  street ; I see  that  every  man,  woman  and  child 
was  there  in  that  identical  street,  and  I thought  to 
myself,  there  haint  no  Sentinal  to-day,  and  everybody 
has  come  out  into  this  street  for  a walk.  I knew  it 
stood  to  reason  that  if  there  had  been  a Sentinal 
there  would  have  been  one  or  two  men  or  wimmin 
attendin’  to  it,  and  I knew  that  every  man  woman  and 
child  on  the  hull  face  of  the  globe  was  right  there 
before  me,  and  behind  me,  and  by  the  side  of  me,  and 
fillin’  the  street  full,  walkin’  afoot,  and  up  in  big  cov- 
ered wagons,  all  over  ’em,  on  the  inside,  and  hangin’ 
on  to  the  outside,  as  thick  as  bees  a swarmin’.  Some 
of  the  horses  was  hitched  ahead  of  each  other,  I s’pose 
so  they  could  slip  through  the  crowd  easier.  I couldn’t 
see  the  village  hardly  any  owin’  to  the  crowd  a crush- 
in’  of  me  ; but  from  what  little  I did  see,  it  was  per- 
fectly beautiful.  I see  they  had  fixed  up  for  us,  they 
had  whitewashed  all  their  door-steps,  and  winder- 
blinds,  white  as  snow,  and  trimmed  the  latter  all  off 
with  black  ribbin  strings. 


IN  THE  CROWD. 


S77 


Everything  looked  lovely  and  gay,  and  I thought 
as  I walked  along,  Jonesville  couldn’t  compare  with 
it  for  size  and  grandeur.  I was  a walkin’  along, 
crowded  in  body,  but  happy  in  mind,  when  all  .of  a 
sudden  a thought  come  to  me  that  goared  we  worse 
than  any  elbo  or  umberell  that  had  pierced  my  ribs 
sense  we  sot  out  from  the  tarvern.  Thinks’es  I all  of 
a sudden  ; mebby  they  have  put  off  the  Sentinal  ’till 
I come:  mebby  I have  disappointed  the  Nation,  and 
belated  ’em,  and  put  ’em  to  trouble. 

This  was  a sad  thought  and  wore  on  my  mind 
considerable,  and  made  me  almost  forget  for  the  time 
bein’  my  bodily  sufferin’s  as  they  pushed  me  this 
way  and  that,  and  goared  me  in  the  side  with  parasols 
and  umberells,  and  carried  off  the  tabs  of  my  mnntilly 
as  far  as  they  would  go  in  every  direction,  and  shoved, 
and  stamped,  and  crowded.  I declare  I was  tore  to 
pieces  in  mind  and  body,  when  I arrove  at  last  at 
the  entrance  to  the  grounds.  The  crowd  was  fearful 
here,  and  the  yells  of  different  kinds  was  distractive ; 
one  conceited  little  creeter  catched  right  holt  of  the 
tabs  of  my  mantilly,  and  yelled  right  up  in  my  face : 

Wont  you  have  a guide?  Buy  a guide  mom  to  the 
Sentinal.”  And  seven  or  eight  others  was  a yellin’ 
the  same  thing  to  me,  the  impudent  creeters ; I jest 
turned  round  and  faced  the  one  that  had  got  holt  of 
my  cape,  and  says  I : 

Leggo  of  my  tabs ! ” 

He  wouldn’t  leggo ; he  stood  and  yelled  out  right 


378 


A FEARFUL  EXPERIENCE. 


up  in  my  face,  Buy  a guide,  you  haint  got  no  guide ! 

Says  I with  dignity,  ^‘Yes  I have;  duty  is  my 
guide  and  also  Josiah;  and  now,”  says  I firmly, 
you  don’t  leggo  of  my  tabs,  I’ll  maTce  you  leggo.” 
My  mean  skairt  him ; he  leggo,  and  I follered  on 
after  my  Josiah  ; but  where  was  Josiah  ? I couldn’t 
see  him ; in  tusslin  with  that  impudent  creeter  over 
my  cape,  my  companion  had  got  carried  by  the  crowd 
out  of  my  sight.  Oh ! the  agony  of  that  half  a mo- 
ment; I turned  and  says  to  a policeman  in  almost 
agonizin’  tones: 

Where  is  my  Josiah?” 

He  looked  very  polite  at  me,  and  says  he : 

I don’t  know.” 

Says  I,  Find  him  for  me  instantly ! Have  you 
the  heart  to  stand  still  and  see  husbands  and  wives 
parted  away  from  each  other?  Have  you  any  princi- 
ple about  you  ? Have  you  got  entirely  out  of  pity  ? ” 

Says  he  with  the  same  polite  look,  don’t  know.” 

“Have  you  a wife?”  says  I in  thrillin’  axents: 
“ Have  you  any  childern  ? ” 

Says  he,  “ I don’t  know.” 

I had  heerd  that  there  wasn’t  no  information  to  be 
extracted  from  ’em  as  a class,  and  I give  up ; and  I 
don’t  know  what  my  next  move  would  have  been,  if 
I hadn’t  catched  sight  of  that  beloved  face  and  that 
old  familiar  hat  in  front  of  me;  I hastened  forred 
and  kep’  considerable  calm  in  mind,  while  my  body 
was  bein’  crowded  and  pushed  round,  for  I thought 


IN  THE  CROWn 


JOSIAH  CALLED  BAD  NAMES. 


881 


if  my  conjectures  was  true  they  would  have  reason 
enough  to  goar  me. 

But  presently,  or  about  that  time  we  found  our- 
selves carried  by  the  crowd,  and  stranded  (as  it  were) 
before  some  little  places  that  looked  some  like  the 
place  the  ticket  agent  looked  from  at  Betsey  Bobbet 
and  me,  when  we  bought  our  tickets  for  New  York 
village;  and  I begun  to  feel  easier  in  my  mind, 
for  they  seemed  to  be  purchasin’  tickets  for  the 
Sentinal.  There  was  one  place  for  wimmen,  and  one 
for  men,  not  but  a little  ways  apart;  and  my  Josiah 
and  me  kinder  divided  up  and  waited  our  turn,  and 
when  he  got  a chance  I see  him  step  up  in  a peace- 
able way  and  ask  how  much  a ticket  cost. 

Fifty  cents  for  a adult,”  says  the  man. 

Says  Josiah,  I haint  a adult.” 

Says  the  man,  You  be.” 

Josiah  looked  as  if  he  would  sink  to  be  accused 
— right  there  in  company— of  sunthin’  he  never  was 
guilty  of  in  the  world ; it  took  him  so  aback  that  he 
couldn’t  say  another  word  to  defend  himself;  he 
looked  as  mortified  and  sheepish  as  any  black  sheep 
I ever  laid  eyes  on ; and  I jest  stepped  forred  and 
took  his  part — for  it  madded  me  to  see  my  pardner  so 
brow-beat  and  imposed  upon.  Again  Josiah  says  in 
a meachin’  way,  for  as  mortified  as  he  felt  he  seemed 
determined  to  stick  to  the  truth,  and  not  own  up  to 
what  he  wasn’t  guilty  of.  haint  a adult,”  says  he 

‘‘No!”  says  I,  “anybody  that  says  that  of  my 


382 


BUYIN’  TICKETS. 


pardner,  says  what  they  can’t  prove.  Josiah  Allen  is 
a likely  man ; his  character  stands  firm ; he  never  had 
no  such  name,  and  it  can’t  be  proved  onto  him ; he  is 
as  sound  moralled  a man  as  you  will  find  in  Jonesville 
or  the  world  ! ” 

“I  mean,”  says  the  man,  “50  cents  for  everybody 
except  childern  carried  in  the  arms.” 

“Well,”  says  I out  of  all  manner  of  patience  with 
him,  “ why  didn’t  you  say  so  in  the  first  on’t,  and  not 
go  to  hintin’  and  insinuatin’.” 

He  tried  to  turn  it  oif  in  a laugh,  but  his  face 
turned  red  as  blood,  and  well  it  might;  tryin’  to 
break  down  a likely  man’s  character  and  gettin’  found 
out  in  the  mean  caper.  Josiah  took  out  a dollar  bill 
and  handed  it  to  him,  and  he  handed  back  sunthin’ 
which  was  tickets  as  Josiah  s’posed ; but  when  he 
handed  me  one  soon  afterwards  or  thereabouts,  I see 
they  was  • two  fifty  cent  bills.  Josiah  was  dumb- 
founded and  so  was  I ; but  I spoke  right  out  and  says 
I,  “ That  mean  creeter  is  tryin’  to  make  us  trouble,  or 
else  he  is  tryin’  to  hush  it  up,  and  bribe  us  not  to  tell 
of  his  low  lived  conduct.”  Says  I firmly,  “ Less  go 
right  back  and  give  him  back  his  money  and  command 
him  to  give  us  a lawful  ticket,  and  tell  him  we  haint 
to  be  bought  or  sold ; that  our  principles  are  elevated 
and  we  are  on  a tower.” 

So  we  went  back  again;  and  oh  the  sufferin’s  of 
that  season  ; if  our  agony  was  great  when  we  was  bore 
along  by  the  crowd,  what  was  our  sufferin’s  when  we 


ON  THE  GROUNDS. 


383 


was  stemmin’  our  way  ag’inst  it.  Two  or  three  times 
my  companion  would  have  sunk  beneath  his  burdens, 
but  boyed  up  by  my  principle  I held  him  up  (as  it 
were)  and  at  last  almost  completely  exhausted  and 
wore  out,  and  our  faces  covered  with  prespiration  we 
stood  before  him  again.  He  looked  mad  and  cross, 
but  tried  to  turn  it  off  in  a laugh  when  Josiah  told 
him  our  business,  and  handed  him  back  the  money. 
He  said  it  was  all  right  and  told  us  to  give  the 
money  to  a man  near  the  turn  stile  and  go  in.  I see 
he  was  in  earnest,  so  I told  Josiah  we  would  go  back 
and  try  it,  and  we  did,  and  found  it  was  jest  as  he 
said,  but  there  was  a great  mystery  to  it ; we  handed 
out  fifty  cents  a piece  to  a man,  and  he  dropped  it 
down  through  a little  slit  in  a counter;  and  a gate  that 
looked  some  like  my  new  fashioned  clothes  bars,  sort 
o’  turned  round  with  us  and  let  us  in  one  at  a time ; 
and  the  minute  I was  inside  I see  my  gloomy  fore- 
bodin’s  had  been  in  vain — they  hadn’t  put  off  the 
Sentinal  for  me!  That  was  my  first  glad  thought; 
but  my  very  next  thought  was.  Good  land  1 and  Good 
land  ! and  Good  land  1 Them  was  my  very  first  words, 
and  they  didn’t  express  my  feelin’s  a half  or  even 
a quarter.  Why,  cornin’  right  out  of  that  contracted 
and  crushin’  crowd,  it  seemed  as  if  the  .place  we  found 
ourselves  in  was  as  roomy  and  spacious  as  the  desert 
of  Sarah,  s’posen  she,  the  desert,  was  fixed  off  into  a 
perfect  garden  of  beauty,  free  for  anybody  to  wan- 
der round  and  git  lost  in. 

15* 


884 


SAMANTHA’S  FIRST  PEELINS. 


And  the  majestic  Main  Buildin’  that  nearly"  loomed 
up  in  front  of  us ! Why ! if  old  Ocian  herself,  had 
turned  into  glass,  and  wood-work,  and  cast-iron,  and 
shinin’  ruffs,  and  towers,  and  flags,  and  statutes,  and 
everything,  and  made  a glitterin’  palace  of  herself,  it 
couldn’t,  (as  it  were)  have  looked  any  more  grand  and 
imposin’  and  roomy  ; and  if  every  sand  by  the  sea- 
shore had  jumped  up  and  put  on  a bunnet  or  hat  as 
the  case  may  be,  there  couldn’t  have  been  a bigger 
crowd  (seeminly)  than  there  was  a passin’  into  it,  and 
a passin’  by,  and  a paradin’  round  Josiah  and  me. 

Under  these  strange  and  almost  apaulin’  circum- 
stances, is  it  any  wonder  that  I stood  stun  still,  and 
said,  out  of  the  very  depths  of  my  heart,  the  only 
words  I could  think  of,  that  would  any  where  nigh 
express  my  feelins,  and  they  was  Good  land  !” 

But  as  my  senses  begun  to  come  back  to  me,  my 
next  thought  was,  as  I looked  round  on  every  side  of 
me,  “ Truly  did  my  Josiah  say,  that  I could  see 
enough  with  one  eye  and  jest  then  a band  com- 
menced playin’  the  Star  Spangled  Banner.”  And 
bearin’  that  soul  stirrin’  music,  and  seein’  that  very 
banner  a wavin’  and  floatin’  out,  as  if  all  the  blue  sky 
and  rainbows  sense  Noah’s  rainbow  was  cut  up  into 
its  glorious  stripes,  with  the  hull  stars  of  heaven  a 
shinin’  on  ’em, — why,  as  my  faculties  come  back  to 
me,  a seein’  what  I see — and  bearin’  what  I heerd,  I 
thought  of  my  4 fathers,  them  4 old  fathers,  whose 
weak  hands  had  first  unfurled  that  banner  to  the 


ONCE  IN  THIRTEEN  YEARS. 


385 


angry  breeze,  and  thinks’es  I,  I would  be  willin’  to 
change  places  with  them  4 old  men  right  here  on 
the  spot,  to  let  ’em  see  in  the  bright  sunshine  of  1876, 
what  they  done  in  the  cloudy  darkness  of  1776. 

I felt  these  feelin’s  for  I persume  most  a minute. 
But  nobody — however  strong  principle  may  soar  up 
in  ’em — can  be  willin’  to  die  off  when  it  haint  a goin’ 
to  be  any  particular  benefit  to  anybody ; they  can’t 
feel  so  for  any  length  of  time,  especially  in  such  a 
strange  and  almost  curious  time  as  this  was ; souls  may 
soar,  but  heart  clings  to  heart — I thought  of  Josiah 
and  without  sayin’  a word  to  him,  or  askin’  his  con- 
sent, I jest  reached  out  my  arm  and  locked  arms  with 
him  for  the  first  time  in  goin’  on  thirteen  years — not 
sense  we  had  went  to  grandfather  Smith’s  funeral, 
and  walked  in  the  procession. 

He  begun  to  nestle  round  and  wiggle  his  arm  to 
make  me  leggo,  but  I hung  on  tight  and  never 
minded  his  worrysome  actions,  and  finally  he  come 
out  plain  and  says  he  : 

What  is  the  use  of  lockin’  arms  Samantha,  it  will 
make  talk.” 

Says  I in  a deep  warnin’  voice,  Do  you  keep  still, 
or  you  will  be  a lost  J osiah.”  Says  I,  firmly,  ‘‘I  think 
more  of  my  pardner  than  I do  of  the  speech  of  peo- 
ple, and  if  this  endless  host  and  countless  multitude 
swallers  us  down,  and  we  are  never  heard  from  again 
in  Jonesville  or  the  world,  we  will  be  swallered  down 
together  Josiah  Allen, — a sweet  thought  to  me.” 


386 


A LOOK  AT  A FOUNTAIN. 


So  we  walked  round,  lockin’  arms,  and  not  sensin’ 
of  it,  (as  it  were)  a lookin’  on  the  grandeur  and  im- 
posin’ doins  on  every  side  of  us.  Presently,  or  not 
fur  from  that  time— for  truly  I could  not  keep  a cor- 
rect run  of  the  time  of  day,  feelin’  as  1 did — I told 
Josiah  that  we  would  take  the  cars  and  ride  round  the 
Sentinal ; there  was  a little  railroad  a purpose.  So 
we  crossed  a square — green  as  green  grass  could  make 
it — and  all  of  a sudden  I felt  Josiah  give  a shudder, 
and  heerd  his  teeth  chatter ; he  was  lookin’  at  that 
fearfully  wonderful  statute  of  Washington  crossin’  the 
Deleware.  Oh  dear ! what  a situation  George  was  in. 

Then  he  hunched  me  again,  to  look  at  a fountain 
made  they  say  to  show  off  light  and  water.  Three 
handsome  female  girls  a holdin’  up  a bowl  or  rather 
a platter,  bigger  than  any  platter  I ever  see,  to  catch  the 
water  other  female  wimmin’  was  a pourin’  down  into 
it ; and  as  many  as  ten  globe  lamps,  a bein’  held  up  by 
beautiful  arms.  I’ll  bet  the  hull  on  it  was  forty  feet 
high,  and  I don’t  know  but  more.  Josiah  would  have 
staid  there  some  time  if  I had  encouraged  him  in  it ; 
he  said  with  a dreamy  look,  that  them  girls  was 
first-rate  lookin’,  but  he  should  think  their  arms 
would  ache  a holdin’  up  that  platter  and  them  big 
lamps.  But  says  I,  Josiah  Allen  you  haint  no  time 
to  spend  a pityin’  cast-iron  wimmen  in  such  a time  as 
this,  or  admirin’  of  em  so  I hurried  him  onwards  to 
one  of  the  stations  of  the  railroad,  and  we  paid  five 
cents  apiece  and  they  let  us  up  into  the  cars,  and  oh, 


RIDE  IN  THE  CARS. 


387 


how  lovely  everything  did  look  as  we  rode  onwards, 
d rawed  by  as  stiddy  and  smart  a little  enjun  as  ever  I 
see  hitched  to  a car.  How  cool  and  wet  the  lake  did 
look  on  that  hot  day,  with  its  great  fountain  sprayin’ 
out  the  water  in  so  many  different  sprays,  as  we 
passed  between  it  and  the  green,  level  grass  all  flow- 
ered off  with  gorgeous  flower  beds. 

Anon,  (or  nearly  that  time)  the  enjun  stopped  be- 
fore the  Woman’s  Pavilion — a noble  big  buildin’  that 
fllled  me  with  such  proud  and  lofty  emotions  as  I 
looked  at  it,  that  I don’t  know  to  what  height  I should 
have  soared  up  to  a gazin’  on  it,  and  thinkin’  of  the 
sect  that  built  it,  if  one  of  them  very  sect  weighin’ 
about  three  hundred  and  flfty,  in  gittin’  out  of  the 
car,  hadn’t  stepped  on  my  foot  and  crushed  it  so  fear- 
fully that  instinctively  my  emotions  was  brought 
right  down  to  the  ends  of  my  toes.  In  two  minutes 
more,  or  two  and  a-half,  we  went  round  the  head  of 
the  dell,  and  though  my  foot  still  felt  the  effects  of 
tramplin’,  I didn’t  sense  it,  as  I looked  down  the 
beautiful  shady  paths,  all  a seemin’  to  lead  to  some 
handsome  buildin’  and  then  up  at  the  Agricultural 
Buildin’,  big  enough  (seeminly)  for  old  Agriculture 
.and  all  his  family  all  over  the  country  to  settle  down 
and  live  in  ; and  then  we  went  on  a little  further  by  a 
cheese  and  butter  house,  and  Brewers’  Hall.  And 
then  the  enjun  turned  round  and  we  went  back  most 
to  the  Woman’s  Pavilion,  and  then  sailed  off  down 
the  avenue  of  State  Buildins,  by  Machinery  Hall 


388 


A LARGE  PLEASURE  AT  SMALL  COST. 


(big  enough  for  every  machine  in  the  world,  and  sev- 
eral of  the  planetary  system’s  machines,  as  it  were) 
clear  the  hull  length  of  this  buildin’,  back  to  the  place 
We  started  from. 

Here  Josiah  would  have, got  out,  ruther  than  paid 
five  cents  more;  but  I says  to  him,  Never  before, 
Josiah  Allen  did  five  cents  buy  pleasure  for  me  any 
where  near  the  size  and  heft  of  this  pleasure ; ” and  I 
added  kindly  but  firmly,  ‘‘1  am  goin’  round  again 
Josiah  Allen.”  He  argued  some,  but  I stood  firm, 
and  round  we  went  again’,  and  then  twice  more  which 
made  four.  I paid  for  the  two  last'  rides  out  of  my 
own  pocket,  and  didn’t  begreech  the  money.  No 
sooner  would  we  go  by  one  grand  majestic  buildin’ 
and  mebby  a few  smaller  ones,  but  perfectly  beautiful, 
than  another  one  would  rise  up  before  us  seeminly 
still  more  majesticer  than  the  last  one. 

And  we  wouldn’t  no  mor^  than  git  our  mouths 
well  open  with  great  astonishment  and  admiration  and 
almost  extacy,  and  our  specks  well  sot  on  ’em,  before 
another  one  would  rise  up  before  us,  and  we  with  our 
mouths  not  yet  shet  up  from  the  last  one.  Oh  dear  ! 
what  a time  we  did  have  in  our  2 minds.  And 
seein’  what  I see  wouldn’t  have  been  half  so  much,  if  . 
I hadn’t  had  such  a immense  quantity  of  emotions ; 
and  everyone  of ’em  the  very  biggest  and  noblest 
size  they  make.  Eloquent,  happy  emotions  of  pat- 
riotism and  grand  pride  in  my  Nation’s  honor,  and 
majesty,  and  power,  and  glory. 


A INTERESTIN’  VISION. 


389 


Oh  ! what  a time  I did  have  a settin’  there  crowded 
in  body  but  soarin’  in  soul ; the  eye  of  my  speck  a 
calmly  gazin’  into  the  faces  environin’  of  me  round, 
and  not  seein’  of  em,  (as  it  were)  but  seein’  with  my 
mind’s  eye  the  Spirit  of  ’76,  a risin’  up  through  the 
ghastly  clouds  of  war,  a misty  shape  that  Hope  could 
jest  make  out;  a pale  face,  and  shadowy  hands* with 
a little  handful  of  stars  and  stripes  most  slippin’  out 
of  ’em. 

And  then  to  see  that  face  growin’  brighter  and 
brighter,  and  more  loftier  and  inspired  ; to  see  both 
of  them  hands  reached  heavenward  in  triumph,  hold- 
in’  firm  clasped  above  her  head  the  stars  and  the 
stripes  a floatin’  out  over  the  hull  land  ; to  see  them 
eyes  full  of  glory  and  mystery  bent  forever  dnwards 
and  outwards,  a lookin’  on  sunthin’  I couldn’t  see  if  I 
had  both  eyes  to  my  specks  ; to  see  that  lofty  brow 
crowned  with  the  Star  of  Empire,  and  that  majestic 
form  a floatin’  in  triumph  from  the  Atlantic  over  the 
Rocky  mountains,  clear  to  the  Golden  Gate,  while  the 
radiance  of  that  star,  a burnin’  on  that  almost  inspired 
forward,  sheds  a light  ahead  over  the  deep  waters  to 
some  still  grandeur  future  ; and  then  to  see  them 
deep  mysterious  eyes  of  glory  and  prophecy  a foller- 
in’  that  light  outward  and  onward,  a seein’  what  I 
couldn’t  see,  nor  Josiah,  nor  anybody. 

I kep’  a feelin’  nobler  and  nobler  every  minute, 
and  finally  I told  Josiah  of  my  own  accord  that  I 
wanted  to  git  out  of  that  little  contracted  car,  and 


390 


THE  BUILDINS  AND  HOUSEN. 


walk  afoot  again.  So  we  got  out  and  roamed  round, 
walkin’  afoot  down  the  broad  noble  paths,  by  build- 
ins  some  that  looked  you  square  in  the  face,  some  a 
steppin’  off  sideways,  (seeminly)  some  sot  down  flat 
on  the  ground,  sort  o’  solid  and  heavy  as  if  they  had 
sot  down  for  good,  and  some  standin’  up  on  tip-toe 
(as  it  were)  on  the  top  of  big  high  steps,  as  if  they 
was  a startin’  off  somewhere  a visitin’ ; and  some  of 
the  curiousest  shaped  ones  I ever  see,  with  their  ruffs 
pinted  up,  with  flags  a flyin’  like  big  darnin’  needles 
threaded  with  red,  white,  and  blue  ; some  sort  o’  lean- 
in’  over  as  if  they  was  a meditatin’ ; some  ruffs 
shaped  like  a sheep’s  head  night-cap,  with  a cross 
standin’  up  out  of  the  crown ; sorne  long  ruffs  sup- 
portin’ hull  rows  of  little  ruffs  like  offsprings.  Some 
Gabriel  ends  loftier  and  majesticer  than  you  can  think 
on  ; some  dretful  kinder  peaked  up  and  polite  lookin’. 

Some  of  the  housen  was  plain  and  glossy  on  the.sides, 
some  criss-crossed  off,  some  up  and  down,  some  side- 
ways. There  was  housen  of  every  color  that  ever  was 
colored,  with  winders  of  every  shape  that  ever  a pain 
was  cut  into,  and  every  sort  of  ornament  that  ever 
a house  was  trimmed  off  with.  Why  some  of  ’em 
seemed  to  be  clear  ornament,  and  nothin’  else.  There 
was  one  in  particular,  with  a flight  of  stairs  on  each 
side  and  some  little  slender  pillows,  that  seemed  to 
be  clear  trimmin’.  It  looked  as  light  as  if  it  was  made 
of  air  and  sunshine  and  ornament — which  it  was  most- 
ly. I says  to  Josiah : That  would  be  a beautiful 


A PAIR  OF  LIARS. 


391 


home  for  summer,  Josiali,  but  it  would  be  too  cold 
and  windy  in  the  winter  season  for  me.”  A young 
woman,  sort  o’  vacant  lookin’,  but  dressed  up  slick 
spoke  out  to  me,  and  says  in  a sort  of  a uppish  tone : 

^^It  haint  a house,  it  is  a music  stand.” 

Says  I,  “ It  haint  a stand.” 

Says  she,  It  is.” 

But  I wasn’t  a goin’  to  be  brow-beat  by  her,  so  I 
says  in  a dignified  tone : 

Young  woman  I have  seen  furniture  and  houses 
stuff  when  you  was  in  Nonentity,  and  I guess  I know 
a stand  when  I see  it.”  Says  I,  “ I had  two  black 

cherry  stands  with  curly  maple  drawers,  with  my 

« ♦ 

settin’  out,  and  J helped  Josiah  pick  out  a noble 
bass-wood  stand  for  Tirzah  Ann  when  she  was  married 
and  I say  that  haint  a stand.” 

Says  she,  It  is ; don’t  you  see  the  Muse  on  top 
with  the  lyre.” 

But  I wouldn’t  look  up,  I had  too  much  dignity, 
and  I resented  deeply  her  tryin’  to  lie  to  me  so,  and 
I jest  looked  at  her  keenly,  and  says  I : I can  see 

liars  without  searchin’  for  ’em  on  the  top  of  housen.” 

Says  she,  I meant  one  of  the  Muses ; one  of  Jupi- 
ter and  Mnemosyne’s  daughters,  with  her  lyre?  ” 

Says  I firmly,  I don’t  care  whose  daughters  they 
be.  I don’t  think  no  more  of  a liar  because  they 
happen  to  have  a likely  father  and  mother.  I abom- 
inate ’em,  and  always  did.” 

I looked  very  sharp  at  her,  and  she  felt  it ; her 


392 


PROUD  OP  E PLUEIBUS  U. 


face  looked  red  as  blood,  and  all  swelled  up  with  mor- 
tification. But  truly  I had  no  time  to  waste  on  story 
tellers,  or  muse  on  their  lies.  Such  sights  as  I see, 
such  grand  and  imposin’  grandeur,  such  beautiful  and 
soarin’  beauty ; I wondered  whether  Pai’adise  could 
have  looked  much  better,  and  more  foamin’;  and  if 
it  did,  I wondered  more  and  more  how  Eve  (a  distant 
relative  of  mine  on  my  mother’s  side)  could  have  done 
what  she  did  do.  As  we  walked  along  a broad  and 
shady  path  I says  : 

“ Never,  never  did  I feel  towards  E Pluribus  as  I 
do  to-day,  Josiah.  When  I think  of  that  old  map  of 
Grandfather  Smith’s,  and  think  how  E Pluribus  was 
huddled  down  there  close  to  the  shore,  so  insignificant 
and  skairt  lookin’  that  it  seemed  as  if  it  wouldn’t  take 
but  a very  few  more  war-whoops  and  hatchets  to  tum- 
ble him  right  off  into  the  Atlantic  to  drownd  him- 
self. And  then  to  think  how  that  old  man  has  got 
up  and  spread  himself  out  from  ocian  to  ocian,  to 
look  round  here  and  see  this  Sentinal  a tellin’  to  all 
the  world  how  he  has  prospered  ; ” says  I,  “ never 
never  did  I feel  towards  E Pluribus  U,  as  I do  to- 
day and  says  I in  tones  tremblin’  with  pride  and 
thankfulness,  “ how  do  yoto  feel  Josiah  Allen  1 ” 

Says  he  firmly,  “ I feel  as  hungry  as  a bear.” 

I calmly  took  two  cookies  out  of  my  pocket  and 
handed  them  to  him,  and  kep’  right  on ; “ Never ! 
never,  did  I realize  the  size,  the  grandeur,  the  lofti- 
ness, of  E Pluribus  as  I do  now ; how  high  and  lofty 


RINGS  AND  TWEED  CLOTHES. 


393 


he  stands,  Josiali  Allen ; how  forehanded  he  has  got.'’ 

My  lofty  episodin’  tone  was  riither  loud,  and  a by 
stander  who  had  been  a standin’  behind  me  unbe- 
known to  me  spoke  up  and  says  he : 

“Yes,  E Pluribus  has  got  pretty  well  off,  but  what 
do  you  think  Madam  of  the  rings  he  wears  on  his 
honored  fingers?  lYhat  do  you  think  of  his  choosin’ 
Tweed  for  raiment  ? What  do  you  think  of  his  wearin’ 
such  dirty  clothin’  as  he  has  wore  of  late,  and  so  thin 
too,  so  awTully  thin.” 

I declare  for’t,  I was  most  mad  to  think  of  any- 
bodys  tryin’  to  bring  me  down  from  the  height  I 
stood  upon,  by  talkin’  about  store  clothes  and  jewelry  ; 
but  bein’  very  polite  in  my  demeanor,  I answered 
him  mildly,  that  I didn’t  believe  in  anybodys  wear- 
in’  dirty  clothes,  and  I never  had  no  opinion  of  Tweed, 
nor  none  of  that  kind  of  cloth  ; it  was  slazy,  and 
liable  to  drop  all  to  pieces,  and  I’d  ruther  look  further 
and  pay  more  for  cloth  that  was  firmer  and  would 
stand  more  of  a strain. 

“Yes,”  says  he,  “that  is  jest  my  opinion,  and  I 
think  if  E Pluribus  wants  to  preserve  his  health  he 
must  keep  cleaner,  and  be  a little  more  careful  about 
the  material  he  chooses  to  protect  his  honored  form  ; 
and  in  my  opinion,  he  would  look  fur  better  if  he 
didn’t  wear  so  many  rings  on  his  venerable  fingers ; 
money  rings;  and  wheat  rings;  and  railroad  rings.” 
He  went  on  and  named  over  a hull  lot  of  jewelry, 
but  I thought  to  myself  that  he  was  makin’  a little 


394 


A FAMILIAR  FACE. 


too  free  to  talk  with  a perfect  stranger,  and  I answer- 
ed him  in  pretty  cold  tones : 

Says  I,  “ I never  approved  of  old  men’s  wearin’ 
jewelry;”  and  says  I,  in  still  more  frigid  tones, 
never,  even  in  my  young  days  thought  a man  looked 
any  the  better  for  wearin’  ear-rings;”  then  I drew 
Josiah  onwards  down  a path  that  looked  shady,  and 
considerable  still  and  quiet ; but  jest  as  we  moved  on 
a man  standin’  in  front  of  us  spoke  up  in  a awe  struck 
tone,  and  says  he : 

That  gentleman  that  jest  spoke  to  you  was  a 
English  Lord.” 

^^Well,”  says  I,  ^‘Lord  or  no  lord,  I don’t  over  and 
above  like  his  looks;  he  looks  smart,  but  kinder 
mean.” 

Jest  then  all  of  a sudden,  on  happenin’  to  turn  the 
eye  of  my  speck  onto  a little  bench  under  a shade  tree, 
I see  settin’  there  a friend  I knew ; 1 see  a face  that 
telescopes  are  bein’  aimed  at  by  the  envious  to  spy 
out  every  little  freckle,  spot  and  wrinkle ; (and  where 
is  there  a complexion  however  light,  that  can  stand 
firm  under  a telescope,  and  the  strong  glarin’  light  of 
the  present  time,  without  showin’  a wrinkle  ?)  It  was 
the  face  of  a man  T respected,  and  almost  loved,  (a 
meetin’  house  love,  calm,  yet  firm  as  a settin’  hen.) 

Without  sayin’  a word,  I jest  drawd  Josiah  , right 
up  in  front  of  him.  At  the  first  glance  he  didn’t 
know  me,  but  I jest  made  him  a noble  curchy,  and 
says  I:  ^‘Ulysses  how  do  you?”  Says  I,  ^‘The  last 


SAMANTHA  ADDRESSES  PRESIDENT  GRANT.  395 


time  I see  you  I had  the  honor  to  rescue  you  from 
pain  and  poetry  and  Betsey  Bobbet.” 

Before  I could  say  another  word  he  took  the  cigar 
he  had  in  his  lips  with  one  hand  and  reached  out  the 
other,  and  shook  hands  with  me  almost  warmly. 

Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  my  preserver ! I am  glad  to 
meet  you.” 

Then  and  there  I introduced  Josiah ; but  I was 
sorry  to  see  at  that  moment  that  the  knowledge  that 
he  was  a talkin’  with  the  President  of  the  United 
States,  made  him  act  bashful  and  meachin’ ; but  I 
was  that  inspired  and  lifted  up,  that  even  my  pardner’s 
meachin’  and  almost  foolish  mean  didn’t  seem  to 
have  no  effect  on  me.  I spoke  right  out  and  says  I : 

Ulysses,  I never  was  so  proud  of  my  Nation  before 
in  mv  hull  life  as  I be  now,  and  never  did  I feel  such 
feelin’s  for  my  4 fathers.  What  a undertakin’  they 
undertook ! When  a thing  is  done,  and  you  are  a 
standin’  up  on  the  results  safe  and  happy,  then  you 
feel  well,  and  at  rest ; but  the  curious  time,  and  the 
solemn  time,  is  when  the  thing  haint  done,  and  you 
are  a settin’  out  to  do  it,  with  the  risk  and  the  uncer- 
tainty before  you.  When  you  are  a steppin’  off  in 
the  darkness  and  don’t  have  no  idee  whether  you  are 
a steppin’  on  sunthin’,  or  on  nothin’ ; no  idee  where 
you  are  a cornin’  to  next.  I’ve  got  lost  in  our  suffer 
several  times  when  my  candle  went  out,  and  it  was  a 
curious  feelin’,  Ulysses,  to  grope  our  way  along  in 
the  dark  not  knowin’  whether  we  would  eome  out 


396 


WALKING  IN  THE  DARK. 


all  right  to  the  bottom  of  the  stairs,  or  come  up  sud- 
den ag’inst  the  wall,  or  the  pork  barrell.  Pve  fell 
flat  a number  of  times,  when  I thought  I was  a step- 
pin’  high,  and  doin’  the  best  I could ; when  you  have 
reached  the  stairs  and  git  holt  of  ’em,  and  Josiah  has 
opened  the  door  and  stands  there  with  a candle  in  his 
hand,  then  you  feel  well  and  safe,  but  you  can’t  for- 
git  your  curious  feelin’s  when  you  was  in  the  dark,  a 
gropin’  and  a feelin’  and  not  knowin’  where  you  was 
a goin’  to. 

Now,  there  was  a time  when  the  colonies  was  a 
gropin’  their  way  along  in  the  dark,  not  knowin’ 
where  the  next  step  would  take  ’em  to — whether  they 
would  come  out  to  the  stairs  that  led  up  to  Freedom 
and  Liberty  and  happiness,  or  come  up  sudden  and 
hard  ag’inst  the  wall  of  defeat.  They  was  walkin’  a 
slender,  slippery  path-way,  and  if  they  slipped  off 
they  knew  black  waters  was  under  ’em,  deep  black 
waters,  to  drownd  them  and  their  posterity  in.  They 
fell  a number  of  times,  but  they  got  up  again  nobly ; 
they  held  firm,  and  stepped  high,  and  at  last  they 
groped  their  way  to  the  stairs  that  led  up  to  Liberty. 
And  by  God’s  help,  by  prayer  and  hard  work,  they 
mounted  them  stairs ; and  then  another  long  flight  of 
lofty  stairs  was  before  ’em ; and  they  rose  them  stairs, 
and  have  gone  up  on  ’em,  higher  and  higher,  ever 
sense  to  national  power,  and  honor,  and  glory.  And 
now  let  ’em  hold  firm  and  examine  the  platform  they 
are  a standin’  on.” 


GRAND  PLATFORMS. 


897 


Ulysses  smoked  his  cigar  with  a very  thoughtful 
and  attentive  smoke.  And  oh ! how  sort  o’  solemn 
and  martyr-like  hay  tone  was  as  I went  on  a talkin’  to 
him,  and  a thinkin’  to  myself : Here  I be,  advisin’ 
the  Nation  for  its  good — a performin’  my  mission, 
and  advisin’  the  United  States,  E Pluribus  Unim, 
through  its  chief  magistrate.  I felt  noble  and  curious, 
fearfully  so,  as  I continued  on : 

Oh ! how  awful  it  would  be  for  ’em,  Ulysses,  a 
standin’  up  on  the  height  they  stand  up  on,  if  political 
rottenness  should  crumble  away  any  of  the  tall  proud 
ladder  that  holds  ’em  up.  Oh ! how  it  would  hurt 
’em  to  fall  down  flat,  and  lay  on  their  backs  with  the 
ladder  and  platform  on  top  of  ’em.  Let  ’em  be  care- 
ful, and  let  ’em  be  prayerful ; let  ’em  examine  every 
inch  of  the  lumber  that  they  are  a standin’  on ; if 
there  is  a rotten  spot  in  it,  or  a weak  spot,  or  a sus- 
picious spot,  let  ’em  spurn  it  nobly ; let  ’em  not  ask 
wildly  and  blindly  : ^ Did  this  board  grow  in  Eepub- 
lican  forests,  or  did  it  grow  in  Democratic  swamps  ? ’ 
Let  ’em  throw  that  question  down,  and  trample  on  it ; 
and  let  ’em  ask  this  question  only,  and  let  ’em  ask  it 
in  a Arm  loud  voice  : ^ Is  it  a sound  hoard  ? ’ 

^’^And  let  ’em  git  a straight  plain  answer  to  it, 
before  they  set  foot  on  it.  Good  land  ! The  idee  of 
shettin’  your  eyes  blindly,  and  runnin’  up  a rascal 
because  he  happens  to  belong  to  your  party.  As  for 
me,  when  I hold  a rose  I don’t  care  a cent  whether 
it  grew  in  a marble  basin,  or  in  the  corner  of  a rail 


398 


SELECTION  OF  RULERS. 


fence ; I only  ask  myself  calmly,  is  it  fresh  and  sweet  ? 
If  it  is,  I treasure  it  highly ; if  it  is  wormy  and  rotten 
at  the  heart,  I spurn  it  from  me  almost  indignantly. 

I advise  this  Nation  as  a friend  and  well  wisher, 
to  worship  the  true  God,  and  not  make  a God  of  party 
and  bow  down  to  it.  I advise  it  to  choose  men  for 

o 

leaders,  who  are  true,  and  honest  and  God-fearin’. 
Men  who  are  more  careful  of  their  character  than 
of  their  reputation  ; more  careful  to  have  the  National 
capitol  clean  on  the  inside  than  to  flower  off  the  front 
gate  with  brass  nails ; more  sot  on  the  Nation’s  well- 
bein’  and  prosperity,  than  on  a big  pocket-book,  or  a 
post-office  and  some  minin’  and  railroad  shares  for 
that  brother-in-law ; more  anxious  to  have  a white 
soul,  than  to  white-wash  their  sepulchres.  If  the 
Nation  votes  for  bad  men,  how  does  it  expect  to  have 
good  laws?”  says  I almost  wildly.  ^^Tell  me,  Ulys- 
ses, and  tell  me  plainly ; how  can  you  expect  to  be 
led  onward  in  a straight  path  by  a blind  man  ? How 
can  you  obtain  figs  from  thistles,  or  anything  to  carry 
from  an  ort  ? 

^^If  this  Nation  trusts  God,  and  prizes  the  great 
gift  our  4 fathers  died  to  leave  us  as  it  ort  to  be 
prized,  who  can  paint  the  glory  and  splendor  before 
it.  It  is  the  home  of  the  oppressed,  and  (when  its 
laws  relatin’  to  wimmen  are  changed  slightly)  the 
true  and  only  land  of  liberty  and  freedom ; its  virtues 
ort  to  be  grand  and  lofty  and  picturesque — on  a big 
noble  New  World  plan.  It  ort  to  be  as  rich  in  good- 


WHAT  OUR  COUNTRY  SHOULD  BE. 


399 


ness,  as  its  earth  is  rich  in  gold  and  silver  and  pre- 
ciousness. Its  dignity  and  calmness  ort  to  be  wide 
and  level  and  even,  like  its  boundless  praries ; and  at 
the  same  time,  it  ort  to  have  brilliant,  unexpected 
streaks  and  flashes  of  dazzlin’  generosities,  jest  like 
its  flashin’  water-falls.  Its  principles  ort  to  be  as 
firm  and  solid  and  high  toned  and  soarin’  as  the  big- 
gest mountain  peaks  on  the  To  Semitry;  and  these 
solid  virtues  ort  to  be  trimmed  and  ornamented  off 
with  consideration  for  the  rights  of  others,  humanity, 
charity,  courtesy  and  etcetery,  and  they  ort  to  be 
jest  as  pinted  and  as  ever-green  as  the  big  pines 
them  firm  old  mountains  have  trimmed  themselves 
off  with.  It  should  be  jest  as  set  on  follerin’  the 
right,  and  headed  jest  as  strong  that  way,  and  be  jest 
as  deep  and  earnest  in  that  flow  as  Niagara  is  in  hern  ; 
turnin’  not  to  the  right  hand  nor  to  the  left,  not  mul- 
tiplyin’  words  nor  foolin’,  but  jest  keep  on  a mindin’ 
its  own  business,  and  floodin’  right  on.” 

And  then  I advised  the  Nation  (through  Ulysses,) 
what  to  do  in  the  great  cause  of  "Wimmen’s  Eights. 
I talked  eloquent  on  that  subject,  and  in  closin’  up  I 
drawed  his  mind  back  a few  years  to  the  time  when 
a great  war  was  goin’  on  between  justice  and  injus- 
tice, and  how  God  wrought  out  of  it  the  freedom  of 
a race,  before  He  gave  the  victory.  I reminded  him 
that  another  great  battle  was  goin’  on  now  between 
temperance  and  intemperance,  and  how,  in  that  war- 
fare, I believed  God  was  helpin’  another  race  of 
16 


400 


WOMAN^S  DELIVERANCE. 


human  female  beins  to  liberty;  by  showin’  to  man 
how  He  enabled  them  to  win  greater  victories  than 
had  ever  crowned  manus  efforts,  and  provin’  what 
they  would  do  for  God  and  humanity  if  the  power 
was  given  them.  I told  him  I didn’t  want  to  scare 

him  or  the  Nation,  but 
still  it  wouldn’t  do  no 
hurt  for  ’em  to  think 
back  how  God  had  kep’ 


SAMANTHA  ADVISIN’  PRESIDENT  GRANT. 


that  oppressed  race  from  all  harm  while  the  warfare 
for  ’em  was  a goin’  on,  while  thousands  of  them  who 
had  unjestly  denied  them  their  rights  went  down  on 
the  battle-field ; and  I hinted  to  him  in  a kind  of 
a blind  way,  that  it  wouldn’t  do  no  harm  for  the 
Nation  once  in  a while  to  read  over  that  old  story  of 


THE  CHINESE  QUESTION, 


401 


Pharioh  ; I told  him — not  knowin’  how  well  off  they 
was  for  such  readin’  in  Washington — that  he  would 
find  that  story  in  the  Bible. 

I talked  about  the  Heathen  Chinee ; I told  him 
it  seemed  jest  about  as  impossible  to  git  a stun  to 
keep  company  with  a turnip,  and  make  it  its  bride  as 
to  git  a Chinee  to  fall  in  love  with  our  institutions  and 
foller  ’em ; and  after  a man  had  tried  to  git  water 
and  oil  to  mix  in  a friendly  and  sociable  way — after 
he  has  sot  and  stirred  ’em,  and  sweat  over  ’em  for 
weeks  and  weeks,  I don’t  know  as  he  would  be  to 
blame  to  empty  the  basin  out  for  good;  but  then 
when  I’d  think  again,  I’d  know  it  was  cruel  and 
awful  to  turn  anybody  out  doors,  (as  it  were)  especi- 
ally a heathen.  And  I knew  I never  could  have  the 
heart  to  do  it,  never  in  the  world.”  So  says  I,  I 
cannot  advise  the  Nation  what  to  do.  It  must  try  to 
git  along  in  this  thing,  without  my  tollin’  it  what  to 
do  ; it  must  think  it  over  and  do  the  very  best  it  can.” 

But  on  the  warlike  fightin’  question,  I come  out 
strong;  I knew  jest  what  advice  to  give  the  Nation, 
and  I give  it  freely  without  money,  and  without  price. 

Says  I,  I should  think  the  Nations  would  all  be 
perfectly  ashamed  of  themselves  to  git  together  to 
show  off  their  civilization  and  progress,  when  they 
hold  on  to  that  most  barbarious  of  all  barbarism,  that 
ever  come  from  Barbery.  The  most  cruel  and  awful 
and  the  most  simple  too ; why,”  says  I,  you’d  whip 
a lot  of  school  childern  that  would  go  to  settlin’  their 


402 


WAR  AND  ITS  FOOLISHNESS. 


quarrels  with  their  jack  knives;  you’d  make  ’em 
leave  it  out  to  their  teacher,  or  the  trustees,  or  some- 
body; you’d  spank  ’em  till  their  nose  bled  if  they 
didn’t,  and,”  says  I,  childern  ort  to  grow  wiser  as 
they  grow  older  instead  of  foolisher.;  it  haint  a mite 
handsomer  in  grown  folks  than  it  is  in  childern.” 

Says  I,  Think  how  those  bloody  warfares  are 
powerful  for  all  sorts  of  evils  and  crimes ; how  they 
turn  human  beins  into  wild  beasts  of  prey;  think 
how  humanity,  and  mercy,  and  purity  and  all  good- 
ness are  trod  down  under  the  feet  of  the  great  armys  ; 
and  how  the  more  ghastly  army  of  pestilence,  and 
disease,  and  crime,  and  want,  foller  on  after  them — a 
phantom  host  shadderin’  the  land  for  years,  mightier 
for  evil  than  the  army  they  foller.  Why  Ulysses,  I 
couldn’t  begin  to  tell  all  the  horrers  and  evils  of 
war,  not  if  I should  stand  here  and  talk  to  you  till 
the  year  1900 ; for  it  can’t  be  told  not  by  mortal 
tongue.  It  is  a language  writ  in  broken  hearts,  and 
despair,  and  want,  and  agony,  and  madness,  and 
crime,  and  death,  and  it  takes  them  to  read  it.” 

Ulysses  haint  much  of  a talker,  but  he  took  his 
cigar  out  of  his  mouth,  and  says  he  mildly : How 
will  Nations  settle  their  difSculties  then  ? ” 

Why,”  says  I,  leave  it  out  to  some  good  man  to 
decide  upon.  Let  ’em  have  a honorable-minded  Peace 
Commissioner.  Why,”  says  I,  if  it  wasn’t  for  havin’ 
everything  else  under  the  sun  on  my  hands,  I would 
be  one  myself,  and  not  charge  a cent  for  my  trouble.” 


LO,  THE  POOR  INJXJN." 


403 


The  Nation,  (through  Ulysses)  seemed  to  take  my 
advice  first-rate;  he  stood  it  like  a major,  and  sot 
peacefully  and  smoked  that  cigar  in  as  friendly  and 
meditatin’  a way  as  I ever  see  one  smoked,  and  he 
said  I spoke  his  mind  about  the  Peace  Commissioners. 
And  then  I spoke  up  and  says  1 : 

Ulysses,  I must  also  speak  to  you  about  Lo.” 

^^Lo  who  ? ” says  he. 

‘^Why,”  says  I,  ^^Lo,  the  poor  Injun.” 

The  minute  I said  Injun,  he  give  a kind  of  a groan, 
and  begun  to  look  as  fractious  and  worrysome  as  I ever 
see  Josiah  look,  and  says  he : 

Darn  Lo,  anyway.” 

‘^Well,”  says  I,  ‘‘  when  I look  round  here,  and  see 
how  nobly  Uncle  Sam  has  stood  up  and  spread  him- 
self out  here,  see  what  wonders  of  glory  and  enchant- 
ment he  has  wrought  for  his  own  race,  it  don’t  seem 
to  me  that  I can  bear  to  see  him  a settin’  down  on  the 
Injun  race,  a tryin’  to  choke  ’em  to  death.”  Samuel 
never  took  a posture  that  I hated  to  see  worse  than 
that  posture.  It  haint  Christian  nor  even  dignified.” 

He  looked  very  fractious,  very,  and  he  snapped  out : 

‘^He  has  got  to  take  that  posture  or  be  scalped.” 

If  Samuel  would  let  me  pick  out  postures  for 
him,  I would  have  him  stand  up  so  far  above  Lo — 
in  mercy,  and  justice,  and  patience,  and  truth, — that  he 
couldn’t  reach  up  to  his  scalp ; and  standin’  up  on  that 
height,  he  might  deal  less  in  glass  beads,  and  more  in 
common  honesty,”  says  I mildly. 


404 


ASTOUNDIN'  NEWS. 


But  again  Ulysses  looked  me  full  in  the  eye  of  my 
speck,  and  says  he  firmly  : 

Darn  Lo,  anyway ; ” and  at  that  same  minute 
Josiah  whispered  to  me  : Lo  haint  no  nearer  starv- 

in’ than  I am  this  minute.” 

He  did  look  almost  famishin’ ; and  so  tollin’  Ulysses 
to  give  my  love  to  Julia,  and  my  b^st  respects  to  Mr. 
Dents’es  folks,  and  Fred  and  his  wife,  and  be  sure 
and  take  good  care  of  Nelly’s  baby,  I curchied  to 
him  nobly  and  bid  him  good-bye. 

So  we  wended  our  way  along,  the  eye  of  my  speck 
takin’  in  the  heavenly  beauty  of  the  scene,  when  all 
of  a sudden  Josiah  spoke  up,  and  says  he : ‘‘  What  a 

pity  it  is  that  they  are  agoin’  to  licence  the  Sentinal.” 

I stopped  stun  still,  leggo  of  his  arm,  and  turned 
right  round  and  faced  my  pardner.  ‘‘Licence  the 
Sentinal,  Josiah  Allen  ! ” says  I. 

“Yes,”  says  he,  “they  be,  and  they  are  tryin’  hard 
not  to  have  no  Sundav  neither.” 

*j 

“ A tryin’  to  have  the  Sentinal  not  keep  Sunday  ? ” 

“ Yes,”  says  he. 

Says  I firmly,  “Who  is  the  man  to  go  to,  to  advise 
the  Nation  through  in  this  matter?  Never!  never! 
did  my  mission  as  a Advisor  soar  up  before  me  more 
promiscously.  Who  is  the  man  Josiah  Allen  ? ” 

Says  Josiah,  “I  have  heerd  that  Gen.  Hawley  is 
the  head  one.  But  it  haint  his  doin’s  ; he  has  been 
tewed  at,  night  and  day.” 

I drawed  my  companion  onwards,  almost  wildly,  he 


RUM,  BUT  NO  SUNDAY. 


405 


a hangin’  back  and  in  pitiful  axents,  sayin’  to  me : 

Do  less  go  back  to  tbe  tarvern  Samantha  and  git 
sunthin’  to  eat  before  we  traipse  off  any  further;  do 
you  want  me  to  faint  away  on  your  hands?  ” 

Says  Ij  You  must  have  a different  appetite  from 
what  1 have,  Josiah  Allen,  if  you  can  swaller  your 
conscience  and  set  down  at  your  ease,  while  the  Nation 
is  a destroyin’  herself.  I wMst  advise  her  about  this 
matter  instantly  and  at  once,  before  it  is  too  late. 
But  you  can  go  home  if  you  want  to.  Principle  will 
be  my  pardner,  and  go  a lockin’  arms  with  me.” 

I shall  go  if  you  do,”  says  he  in  a cross  surly 
voice.  I s’pose  I can  starve  it  out ; ” and  then  he 
says  almost  mekanically,  (as  it  were,)  Gen.  Hawley 
is  a handsome  feller,  they  say.” 

^^Well,”  says  I in  a almost  dry  tone,  you  needn’t 
worry  about  that ; what  if  he  is  ? I should  be  ashamed 
of  myself  Josiah  Allen,  to  go  to  bein’  jealous  in  such 
a time  as  this.” 

Who  said  I was  % ” says  he. 

I didn’t  multiply  no  more  words,  and  a policeman 
happenin’  to  come  along  that  minute,  I says  to  him  : 

Can  you  tell  me  where  to  find  Gen.  Hawley  ? ” 
Says  he,  ‘^You  will  probably  find  him  in  the 
‘ Buro  of  Installation.’  ” 

“In  a says  I coldly.  “Do  you  s’pose 

young  man,  that  lam  a goin’  to  crawlin’  and  creepin’ 
round  into  buro  draws?  Do  you  s’pose,  at  my  age, 
and  with  my  dignity  I’m  a goin’  to  foller  any  man 


406 


INTERVIEW  WITH  GEN.  HAWLEY. 


into  a buro  ? Gropin’  round,  try  in’  to  find  somebody 
in  a buro  draw.” 

His  face  looked  red — he  see  I wasn’t  to  be  imposed 
upon — and  he  pinted  out  the  room  where  we  should 
be  apt  to  find  him,  he  a goin’  most  there  with  us ; 
and  anon,  or  about  that  time,  I found  myself  in  the 
presence  of  Gen.  Hawley,  a shakin’  hands  with  him 
and  a introducin’  Josiah.  He  was  lookin’  over  a lot 
of  papers,  but  he  looked  up  dretful  sort  o’  pleasant, 
and  in  that  tryin’  and  almost  curious  time,  I couldn’t 
help  thinkin’  that  Josiah  was  in  the  right  on’t  about 
his  looks ; for  never,  on  a tower,  or  oS  on  it,  did  I 
ever  see  a franker,  nobler,  honester,  well  meanin’er 
face  than  hisen.  I never  asked  him  whether  he  was 
enjoyin’  good  health,  or  poor,  but  I says  right  out : 
^‘Joseph,”  (I  knew  his  name  was  Joseph,  and  I 
thought  he  would  take  it  more  friendly  in  me  if  I 
called  him  that,  and  it  would  look  more  familiar  in 
me — as  if  my  noble  mission  didn’t  make  me  feel  above 
him.)  Joseph,”  says  I,  have  come  to  advise  you 
as  a P.  A.  about  what  I have  discovered  as  a P.  I.” 

He  looked  up  at  me  from  the  awful  pile  of  papers, 
sort  o’  dreamy  and  wonderin’,  and  I come  out  plainer 
still,  and  says  I,  Joseph,  tell  me;  is  it  true  that  the 
Nation  has  licenced  the  Sentinal  to  git  drunk,  and 
not  to  keep  no  Sundays?”  And  says  I,  Haint  it  tlie 
time  for  the  Nation,  if  ever,  for  her  to  put  her  best 
foot  forred,  and  if  she  has  got  any  remnants  of 
Puritan  habits,  and  religion,  and  solid  principles,  to 


INTERVIEW  WITH  GOV.  HAWLEY 


A PROTEST  AGAINST  RUM  SELLIN\ 


409 


show  ’em  off?  Haiiit  it  time  to  brush  the  dirt  and 
dust  off  of  Plymouth  Kock,  and  let  the  world  git  a 
glimpse  of  the  old  original  stun  ? Why,”  says  I,  if  the 
Mayflower  could  float  back  again  from  the  past,  and 
them  old  Mayflowers  should  hear  what  this  Nation  is 
a doin’,  they  would  say  they  was  glad  they  was  dead.” 

Joseph  looked  as  if  he  felt  what  I said  deeply.  But 
he  went  on  in  a sort  of  apologisin’  way,  about  his 
wantin’  to  treat  our  fureign  guests  with  courtesy — 
and  some  of  them  was  accustomed  to  beer  and  wine- 
drinkin’  to  home,  and  wasn’t  in  the  habit  of  havin’ 
Sundays,  and  so  4th  and  so  4th. 

‘^But,”  says  I in  tremblin’  tones : when  a mother 
is  weepin’  over  the  ruin  of  what  was  once  her  son, 
and  tracin’  back  his  first  love  of  strong  drink  to  this 
place  of  beauty  and  enchantment,  it  wont  remove  her 
agony  nor  hisen,  to  think  it  was  done  to  please  the 
German,  Dutch,  or  Tunicks,  or  even  Turkeys.”  Says 
I,  ^Tf  the  Nation  gives  her  lawful  consent  and  lets  the 
Sentinal  drink  all  the  beer  and  wine  it  wants  to  in 
1876,  in  1976  she  will  reap  the  seed  she  is  a plantin’ 
now ; and  if  you  happen  to  see  me  then,  Joseph,  you 
tell  me  if  I haint  in  the  right  on’t.  And  then,  not 
havin’  no  Sundays ! I never  in  my  hull  life  see  any- 
thing look  so  shiftless, — when  we  haint  been  out  of 
Sundays  for  1800  years,  to  all  flat  out  now  and  not 
have  none, — it  would  look  poor  as  poverty  in  us.” 

He  said  it  was  handier  for  some  folks ; they  could 

come  hotter  Sundays  than  any  other  day. 

16* 


410 


SAMANTHA^S  ADVICE  ACTED  ON. 


Handier  says  I,  in  a almost  dry  tone,  “it  would 
be  awful  bandy  for  me  sometimes,  to  do  my  week’s 
washin’  Sundays,  or  knit  striped  mittens,  or  piece  up 
bed-quilts,  but  you  don’t  catch  me  at  it.”  Says  I Had 
we  ort  to  begreech  one  day  out  of  the  week  to  Him 
who  give  us  the  hull  of  ’em  ? ” And  says  I,  I don’t 
blame  you  a mite  for  wantin’  to  make  our  fureign  vis- 
itors feel  to  home,  and  use  ’em  well ; but  when  I go  a 
visitin’  I don’t  expect  ’em  to  kill  off  their  grandmoth- 
ers if  I don’t  happen  to  like  the  looks  of  the  old  lady 
and  haint  used  to  grandmothers.  Good  land!  how 
simple  it  would  be  in  me  to  expect  it.” 

Says  Joseph,  Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  you  have  pre- 
sented the  subject  to  me  in  a interestin’  and  eloquent 
manner.”  Says  he,  “ The  other  matter  is  out  of  my 
power  to  change,  but  as  for  Sundays,  I will  get  ’em 
back  again ; I will  have  ’em.” 

Oh,  how  earnest  and  good  he  did  look  out  of  his 
eyes  (a  bright  blueish-grey)  as  he  said  this,  and  how 
fearfully  handsome.  And  I a thinkin’  to  myself — 
here  I be  advisin’  the  Nation  for  her  good,  and  she  a 
takin’  my  advice.  I felt  noble,  very.  If  I could  have 
accomplished  both  of  my  undertakin’s,  I don’t  know 
but  I should  have  felt  tod  noble ; but  we  all,  like  Mr. 
Paul,  if  we  go  to  soarin’  up  too  high,  have  to  have  a 
thorn  in  the  flesh  to  prick  us  and  keep  us  down  in 
our  place.  So  I bid  Joseph  a almost  affectionate  good- 
bye, and  J osiah  and  me  started  homewards. 


DOIN’  THE  MAIN  BUILDIN’. 


The  next  mornin’  I told  Josiah  we  would  tackle 
the  Main  Buildin’;  so  we  follered  a lot  of  folks 
from  our  tarvern — another  spiked  gate  turned  round 
with  us  and  let  us  in,  and — and  what  didn’t  that 
gate  let  us  into  ? Oh,  good  land  ! Oh,  dear  suz  ! You 
may  think  them  words  are  strong,  and  express  a good 
deal,  but  they  don’t  begin  to  explain  to  you  how 
I felt.  Why,  a hull  Dictionary  of  jest  such  words 
couldn’t  begin  to  tell  my  feelins  as  I stood  there  a 
lookin’  round  on  each  side  of  me,  down  that  broad, 
majestic,  glitterin’  street  full  of  folks  and  fountains 
and  glitterin’  stands,  and  statutes,  and  ornaments,  with 
gorgeous  shops  on  each  side  containin’  the  most  beau- 
tiful beauty,  the  sublimest  sublimity,  and  the  very 
grandest  grandeur  the  hull  world  affords.  I advanced 
a little  ways,  and  then,  not  sensin’  it  at  all,  I stopped 
stun  still  and  looked  round  me,  Josiah  kinder  draw- 
in’  me  along — entirely  unbeknown  to  me.  Finally  he 
spoke  in  a sort  of  a low,  awe-stricken  whisper  : 

411 


412 


DUMB-FOUNDBRED. 


“ Do  come  along,  Samantha  !” 

But  I still  stood  stun  still,  lookin’  round  me  through 
the  eyes  of  my  specks  (Josiah  had  got  the  other  eye 
put  in),  and  didn’t  sense  what  he  was  a sayin’  to  me 
till  he  spoke  again — hunchin’  me  hard  at  the  same 
time  : “ What  is  the  matter  Samantha  ?” 

Says  I,  in  low  strange  tones,  “I  am  completely 
dumbfoundered  Josiah  Allen  ! ” 

“ So  be  I,”  says  he,  “ hut  it  won’t  do  to  he  a block- 
in’ up  the  path,  and  actin’  baulky ; it  will  make  talk. 
Less  go  along  and  do  as  the  rest  do.”  So  we  walked 
along.  And  as  my  dumbfounder  began  to  leave  me, 
and  I recovered  the  use  of  my  tongue,  my  first  words 
was : 

“Josiah  Allen,  if  I was  as  young  as  I once  was,  and 
knew  I’d  live  to  die  of  old  age,  I’d  come  right  here 
to  this  village  and  live,  and  go  through  this  buildin’ 
and  see  the  biggest  heft  of  its  contents.  But  at  my 
age,  there  haint  no  use  of  tryin’  to  see  a half  or  even 
a quarter  of  ’em.” 

Says  Josiah,  “You  know  Tirzah  Ann  wanted  you 
to  remember  what  you  see  here  and  describe  it  to  her.” 

“ Good  land  !”  says  I,  “I  might  jest  as  well  under- 
take to  divide  off  the  sands  of  the  sea,  set  ’em  off  into 
spans  and  call  ’em  by  name,  and  describe  the  best 
pints  of  each  on  ’em ;”  says  I almost  wildly  : “ if  I 
should  undertake  the  job  I should  feel  so  curious 
that  I shouldn’t  never  git  over  it,  like  as  not ;”  says  I, 
“ Josiah  Allen,  when  anybody  tackles  a subject  they 


CURIOUS  PEELINS. 


413 


want  a place  to  take  kolt,  or  leggo ; it  makes  ’em  feel 
awful  not  to  have  neither.”^ 

Why,  if  you’d  lift  up  your  head  a minute  to  kind 
o’  rest  your  eyes,  you  would  see  enough  to  think  on 
for  a hull  natural  life.  Havin’  in  all  the  emergencies 
of  life  found  it  necessary  to  stand  firm,  and  walk  even, 
and  straiglit  forred,  I laid  out  to  take  the  different 
countries  on  the  north  side,  and  go  through  ’em,  and 
then  on  the  south  side,  go  through  ’em  coolly  and  in 
order,  and  with  calmness  of  spirit.  But  long  before  I 
had  gone  through  with  the  United  States,  my  mind 
was  in  a state  it  had  never  been  in  before  through  my 
hull  life.  I thought  I had  felt  promiscous  in  days 
that  was  past  and  gone,  but  I give  up  that  I never 
knew  the  meanin’  of  the  word  before.  Why,  if  there 
had  been  a pain  of  glass  put  into  my  mind,  and  any- 
body had  looked  into  my  feelins  through  it,  they 
would  say  if  they  wasn’t  liars  that  they  see  a sight 
long  to  be  remembered  ; though  if  they  had  went 
to  dividin’  off  my  feelins  and  settin’  ’em  in  a row 
and  tellin’  ’em  to  set  still,  they  would  truly  have  had 
a tegus  time.  Why  I haint  got  ’em  curbed  in,  so’s  to 
keep  any  order  now,  when  I go  to  thinkin’  about  that 
Main  Buildin’. 

Instead  of  travelin’  right  through  it  with  dignity, 
they  are  jest  as  likely  as  anyway  to  begin  right  in  the 
centre  of  that  grand  buildin’ ; see  that  great  round 
platfq^m  with  broad  steps  a leadin’  up  to  it  on  every 
side,  and  that  railin’  round  it,  a fencin’  in  the  most 


414 


MIXED  UP. 


entrancin’  and  heavenly  music  that  ever  a earthly 
quire  discoursed  upon — music  that  would  rest  you 
when  you  was  tired^  and  inspire  and  elevate  you  into 
a realm  of  Pure  Delight  when  you  wasn’t.  And  see- 
in’  way  up  and  up  to  the  ruff,  little  railins  all  orna- 
mented off,  tear  after  tear  of  ’em,  and  folks  in  ’em  a 
lookin’  down  onto  the  endless  crowd  below ; and  lions 
and  eagles,  and  stars  and  stripes,  and  the  honored 
forms  and  names  of  George  Washington  and  B.  Frank- 
lin up  there,  to  make  us  feel  safe  and  good.  And 
then  all  of  a sudden  entirely  unbeknown  to  me,  my 
mind  will  work  sometimes  one  way,  sometimes  the 
other.  Sometimes  it  will  give  a jump  clear  to  the 
west  end,  and  see  ornaments,  and  glass  cases,  and  shin- 
in’ counters  with  wimmen  standin’  behind  ’em,  and 
tall  jars  big  enough  to  preserve  my  Josiah  hull  in,  if 
it  was  the  fashion  to  preserve  pardners. 

And  it  wont  think  things  out  with  any  order,  or 
hardly  decency ; sometimes  the  next  thing  after  a pulpit 
I’ll  think  of  a dragon  ; and  then  mebby  I’ll  think  of  a 
thermomiter  with  the  quick  silver  a tryin’  to  git  out  at 
the  top  to  walk  out  to  cool  itself,  and  the  next  thing 
a Laplander  covered  with  fur,  and  a sled  ; it  beats  all. 
There  is  no  use  tellin’  what  I did  see,  but  I could 
tell  what  I didnH  see  in  half  a minute.  I can’t  think 
now  of  but  one  thing  that  I didn’t  see  and  that  is  but- 
ternuts, though  truly,  I might  have  seen  bushels,  and 
not  sensed  ’em. 

Why,  along  at  first  when  I was  a beginnin’  my  tower 


NO  END  TO  THE  SIGHTS. 


415 


through  the  United  States,  I would  be  fearfully  sur- 
prised at  the  awfully  grand  and  beautiful  things  ; 
but  before  noon  I got  so  that  I wasn’t  surprised  at 
nothin’,  and  Josiah  couldn’t  make  me,  though  he 
hunched  me  several  times,  a tryin’  to  surprise  me, 
and  couldn’t.  Why,  I’d  think  I had  come  to  an  end 
of  the  grandeur  and  glory ; it  must  be  there  couldn’t 
be  any  more,  and  I’d  git  my  specks  all  ready  to  rest 
off  for  a minute — when  I’d  kinder  grope  round  a lit- 
tle, and  out  I’d  come  again  into  another  room  full  to 
overflowin’  of  splendor  and  beauty.  Why,  once  I 
come  out  into  a room  that  had  six  high  pillows  in  the 
form  of  palm  trees  with  long  scalloped  leaves  tower- 
in’ clear  up  to  the  ruff,  which  was  ornamented  off 
with  vines  and  flowers,  and  the  counters  was  all  cov- 
ered with  raised  work,  representin’  the  gatherin’  of 
flowers  and  the  extraction  of  their  perfumes,  and  two 
noble  silver-plated  gold-tipped  fountains,  sprayin’  out 
sweetness  ; why,  no  posy  bed  I ever  smelled  of  could 
compare  with  that  room. 

And  then  there  was  a beautiful  pavilion  all  trimmed 
off  with  flowers ; and  in  the  centre,  one  of  the  likeliest 
lookin’  fountains  I ever  did  see,  with  four  different 
perfumes  a jettin’  out,  and  round  each  spray  a design 
showin’  what  kind  it  was.  And  each  one  was  more 
perfectly  fragrant  and  beautiful  than  the  other  (as  it 
were).  I told  Josiah  I wished  Shakespeare  Bobbet 
could  jest  step  in  here  ; I guessed  he  never  would  use 
peppermint  essence  again  on  his  handkerchief.  When 


416 


JOSIAH  FANCIES  AN  EYE. 


lie  used  to  come  to  see  Tirzah  Ann,  he  always  would 
scent  up  high  with  peppermint  or  cinnamon ; he  smelt 
like  a apothecary. 

But  I kep’  a lookin’  round,  and  oh,  such  sights  of 
pianos  and  organs  as  I did  see ; it  beat  all.  Why, 
there  was  one  parlor  organ  with  twenty-eight  stops  to 
it.  Says  I,  Josiah  Allen  what  do  you  think  of  that  ? ” 
Josiah  had  seen  so  much  he  was  a gittin’  cross,  and  he 
said  he  had  heerd  folks  play  when  he  would  have  been 
thankful  to  have  had  one  stop  to  it,  if  they  had  used  it. 
And  such  iron  and  steel  works ; why  we  see  a rod  over 
a mile  long.  And  there  was  one  lock  that  they  said 
had  four  billion  changes  to  it.  Josiah  told  me  he 
had  jest  as  good  a mind  as  he  ever  had  to  eat,  to  stop 
and  count  ’em,  for  he  didn’t  believe  there  was  three 
billions  in  it  if  there  was  two.  And  there  was  safes, 
large  enough  to  lock  up  my  Josiah  in — who  is  indeed 
by  far  the  most  valuable  ornament  I possess — and 
teeth,  and  artificial  eyes.  There  was  one  big  black 
eye,  that  Josiah  said  he  would  buy  if  he  was  able. 

Says  I,  What  under  the  sun  would  you  do  with 
it  Josiah  Allen?” 

Oh,”  says  he,  it  might  come  handy  sometime, 
I am  liable  to  accidents.” 

Why,”  says  I,  your  eyes  are  as  blue  as  indigo.” 

Well,”  says  he,  always  liked  black  eyes,  and 
that  is  such  a awful  smart  lookin’  eye,  it  would  give 
anybody  such  a knowin’  look.” 

1 told  him  I guessed  ha  would  look  knowin’;  I 


A GLASS  FOUNTAIN. 


417 


guessed  he  would  know  it  when  he  went  round  with 
one  black  eye,  and  one  blue  one.  I didn’t  encourage 
the  idee.  He  looked  wishful  at  it  to  the  last,  and  he 
has  said  sense,  that  that  was  the  smartest  lookin’  eye 
he  ever  see  in  his  life. 

And  such  sights  and  sights  of  glass  ware,  and  crystal 
fountains.  I told  Josiah  that  I had  sung  about  ’em 
all  my  life,  but  never  did  I expect  to  see  one.  But  I 
did,  here  it  was;  handsomer  than  song  could  sing. 
About  three  feet  from  the  floor  was  a basin  twelve 
feet  wide,  and  round  this,  seventy-tw’o  cut  glass  vases 
for  flowers,  and  four  pillows  havin’  twelve  lights  and 
four  more  for  flowers.  In  the  centre  column  half 
way  up,  was  the  most  beautiful  crystal  ornaments  and 
doins  you  ever  see,  with  burnin’  jets  inside ; and  over 
all  was  a dome  held  up  by  three  columns,  topped  oflf 
with  spread  eagles.  The  age  of  this  dome  was  all  trim- 
med off  with  red,  white,  and  blue,  and  under  it  was  the 
Goddess  of  Liberty  standin’  on  the  globe.  There  is 
between  three  and  four  thousand  pieces  of  glass  in 
this  fountain — so  they  told  me — and  they  said  it  was 
the  nicest  one  in  the  world ; and  I told  ’em  I didn’t 
dispute  it,  for  I had  travelled  round  a good  deal,  and 
I never  see  the  beat  on’t.  And  here  it  was  that  I 
got  agitated  and  frightened;  skairt  most  to  death, 
and  I wont  deny  it.  I was  a walkin’  along,  cool  as  a 
cluster  cucumber  at  sunrise,  and  as  calm,  when  I 
looked  up  and  thinks’es  I,  there  comes  a woman  that 
looks  jest  like  the  Smiths;  thinks’es  I,  she  looks 


418 


ONE  OF  THE  SMITH  S. 


like  me,  only  not  quite  so  good  lookin’.  I stopped 
completely  diimbfoundered,  and  she  stopped  also  in 
dumbfounder.  I looked  her  in  the  face  with  a almost 
wild  mean,  and  her  mean  looked  almost  wild. 

I give  right  up  that  she  was  a Smith,  and  then 
realizin’  what  sort  of  a tower  it  was  that  I was  on,  I 
knew  it  was  my  place  to  make  the  first  move  towards 
gittin’  acquainted  with  her;  so  I made  her  a low 
curcby,  and  she  made  me  a low  curchy.  And  then 
I walked  right  up  and  held  out  my  hand  to  her,  and 
she  walked  right  up  to  me  a holdin’  out  her  hand. 
Says  I,  ^^Who  you  be  mom,  I don’t  know,  but  I 
believe  my  soul  you  are  one  of  the  Smiths,  for  you 
look  as  near  like  me  as  two  peas,  only  you  are  a little 
fieshier  than  I be,  and  not  quite  so  light  complec- 
ted.” But  what  the  next  move  would  have  been  I 
don’t  know  if  all  of  a sudden  right  over  her  shoulder 
I hadn’t  seen  the  face  of  my  Josiah,  and  I knew  he 
was  the  other  side  of  me.  Cold  shivers  run  over  my 
back,  when  I felt  a hand  a seizin’  and  a holdin’  of  me 
back,  and  the  voice  of  Josiah  a sayin’ : 

What  under  the  heavens  Samantha,  are  you  a 
tryin’  to  walk  through  that  lookin’-glass  for  ? ” 

I see  then  where  I was,  and  says  1 in  faint  axents: 

Josiah  Allen,  I should  have  been  through  it  in  a 
minute  more  ; ” and  I should.  I told  him  I was  most 
glad  it  took  place,  for  it  truly  seemed  as  if  he  renewed 
his  age,  it  pleased  him  so.  But  he  stopped  it  pretty 
sudden,  for  he  had  a little  incident  liappen  to  him, 


ONE  OF  THE  SMITH  FAMILY. 


JOSIAH  TAKES  A CHAIR  RIDE. 


421 


that  made  him  pretty  shy  about  pokin’  fun  at  me. 
The  way  on’t  w^as,  he  had  J^een  sick  all  one  night,  and 
the  next  day  he  got  so  tired  out  that  lie  said  he  guessed 
he  would  git  into  one  of  those  rollin’  chairs  a few 
moments  to  rest  him.  He  whispered  to  me  that  he 
shouldn’t  ride  out  but  seven  cents  and  a half,  which 
would  be  only  half  a quarter  of  an  hour.  I whisper- 
ed back  to  him  that  it  would  look  small  in  him,  and  if 
I was  in  Jiis  place,  I would  ride  a quarter  of  an  hour,  or 
not  try  to  ride  at  all.  But  he  whispered  back  to  me, 
firm  as  brass,  that  seven  cents  worth  and  a half  was 
all  he  should  ride  and  that  was  more  than  he  could 
afford.  And  knowin’  well  he  was  close,  but  honest, 
I didn’t  argue  no  more.  He  didn’t  tell  the  man,  for 
fear  he  wouldn’t  want  the  bother  for  so  little  while. 

That  was  the  last  I see  of  Josiah  Allen  for  five 
hours  and  a half.  He  promised  to  meet  me  at  a cer- 
tain time  and  place,  and  I was  skairt  nearly  to  death. 
And  I don’t  know  as  I should  ever  have  seen  him 
again,  if  I hadn’t  happened  to  meet  him  face  to  face. 
There  he  was  a layin’  back  fast  asleep,  and  that  man 
had  been  a rollin’  him  round  for  five  hours  and  a half 
by  the  clock,  through  the  diflfereut  worlds,  and  he 
not  sensin’  a thing — sleepin’  jest  as  sweet  in  front 
of  them  horrible  antediluvian  monsters,  and  the 
crockydiles,  as  before  calico  and  bobinet  lace — treat- 
in’ ’em  all  alike,  snorin’  at  the  hull  of  ’em.  I s’pose 
he  had  dropped  to  sleep  the  minute  I left  him,  not 
sleepin’  any  the  night  before.  I catched  right  holt 


422 


JOSIAH  PAYS  A LARGE  BILL. 


of  his  arm,  and  says  to  the  man  : Stop  instantly  ! 

it  is  my  pardner  that  you  are  a rollin’  on ; it  is  a 
sleepin’  Josiah.” 

I declare,  the  man  looked  almost  as  foolish  as 
Josiah,  only  Josiah’s  mean  had  agony  on  it;  and  as 


he  paid  out  the  3 dollars  and  30  cents,  his  sithes  were 
more  like  groans  than  common  sithes.  I haint  heerd 
a word  sense  from  Josiah  Allen  about  my  walkin’ 
through  a lookin’  glass  in  search  of  a Smith. 

We  then  went  into  Mexico  and  found  it  was  a noble 
lookin’  Nation,  considenible  on  the  castle  plan ; 


A WONDERFUL  STONE. 


423 


trimmed  off  handsome  at  the  top  with  several  open 
places  filled  with  statutes,  and  large  minerals,  and 
some  of  the  handsomest  plants  I ever  see.  It  seemed 
to  have  everything  it  needed  to  git  along  with. 

But  what  was  as  interestin’  to  me  as  anything,  Avas 
a great  stone,  weighin’  about  four  thousand  pounds, 
that  fell  right  down  out’ of  some  other  world,  landin’ 
on  ours,  down  in  Mexico.  Oh ! what  emotions  I had 
in  lookin’  at  it  and  thinkin’  if  I only  knew  what  that 
stun  knew,  I should  be  a sight  to  behold.  But  I 
knew  the  stun  wouldn’t  speak  up  and  tell  me  any- 
thing about  the  world  lie  had  come  from,  or  how  he 
happened  to  start  off  alone,  or  whether  he  liked  our 
wmrld  better  than  he  did  hisen,  or  anything,  if  I stood 
there  till  the  next  Sentinal. 

And  then  we  went  in  under  a lofty  arch,  with  cur- 
tains, and  tassels,  and  banners,  and  lions,  and  crosses, 
and  so  4th  into  Netherlands.  And  right  there  in  the 
vestibule  was  pictures  and  drawin’s  and  models; 
showdii’  plain  w^hat  awful  hard  work  they  do  have  to 
keep  their  land  from  drowndin’ ; dretful  interestin’ 
it  must  be  to  inebriate  drunkards  there,  seein’  what 
strong  barriers  they  have  raised  up  between  them  and 
the  water. 

And  we  see  a little  brick  house,  with  part  of  the 
thatched  roof  left  open  so  you  could  see  right  down 
into  the  house  ; and  a eatin’  house  with  little  folks 
settin’  to  the  table,  and  some  East  India  curiosities 
as  curious  as  any  curiosities  I ever  laid  eyes  on.  And 


424 


THE  SUN  AS  A LABORER. 


then  we  travelled  over  into  Brazil.  I always  knew 
Brazil  was  a noble  ITation,  but  never,  never  did  1 
imagine  it  was  trimmed  and  ornamented  off  to  such 
an  extent.  We  went  right  in  boldly  under  the  orna- 
ments and  trimmins,  and  truly  we  did  see  enough  to 
pay  us  for  our  trouble ; there  was  flowers  made  out 
of  the  most  brilliant  feathers  you  ever  see.  Why  I 
liad  s’posed  old  Hail  the  Day’s  feathers  was  shinin’ ; 
I’ve  seen  ’em  look  perfectly  gorgeous  to  me  when  he 
was  standin’  round  on  one  foot  at  the  back  door  a 
crowin’  and  the  sun  was  a shinin’  down  on  him ; but 
good  land  ! what  was  his  feathers  compared  to  these. 
And  then  we  see  the  big  topaz,  brilliant  and  clear  as 
well-water  almost,  sunthin’  the  size  of  a goose  egg — 
s’posen  she,  the  goose,  laid  almost  square  eggs.  And 
oh ! if  I -only  had  a goose  that  laid  such  eggs,  how 
well  off  I could  git  in  one  season  if  she  done  well ; it 
is  worth  150,000  dollars.  And  we  see  a sun  dial 
flxed  so  the  sun  flred  off  a cannon  every  day  at  noon. 
Josiah  said  he  never  see  the  beat  on’t,  to  think  the 
sun  should  be  willin’  to  do  such  work  for  anybody — 
hire  out  to  do  day’s  works  (as  it  were.)  But  I says, 
if  anybody  could  git  him  at  it,  it  is  Mr.  Pedro ; ” 
says  I,  it  don’t  surprise  me,  that  without  makin’  any 
fuss  about  it,  or  boastin’  a mite,  he  has  got  the  sun 
so  it  will  fire  off  cannons  for  him  or  anything ; it  is 
jest  like  him.”  Says  I,  Some  monarchs  are  obleeged 
to  wear  a crown  instead  of  a hat,  and  hold  out  a 
septer  in  their  hand  to  make  anybody  mistrust  they 


BELGIUM  AND  ITS  BRUSSELS. 


425 


are  kings.  But  it  haiiit  so  with  him ; his  royalty 
liaint  put  on  the  outside,  it  is  inherient  in  him^  and 
works  out  from  his  heart  and  soul.” 

I should  have  went  on  about  him  considerable  more, 
— I have  such  a deep  honor  and  respect,  and  such  a 
strong  (meetin’  house)  regard  for  him — but  Josiah 
looked  so  restless  and  worrysome.  He  haint  a jeal- 
ous hair  on  the  top  of  his  head,  (nor  a hair  of  any 
description)  but  he  worships  me  so,  I s’pose  it  gauls 
him  to  see  me  praise  up  any  other  man ; so  we  moved 
on  and  made  a short  tower  into  Belgium,  and  see 
their  laces — I don’t  believe  there  is  such  splendid 
laces  in  the  hull  world  as  I see  there,  and  they  call 
’em'  Brussels  laces ; mebby  they  be,  but  I don’t  be* 
lieve  it ; anyway  they  haint  made  out  of  hog’s  brussels  ; 
that  I know;  and  I told  Josiah  I knew  it,  and  be 
said  he  did,  or  else  they  was  different  from  any 
brussels  he  ever  see — why  you  never  see  anything 
so  perfectly  fine  and  beautiful ; the  very  nicest  bobi- 
net  lace  that  Mother  Smith  ever  made  into  a cap 
border  couldn’t  compare  with  the  poorest  of  it.  Jest 
one  lace  dress  cost  7,000  dollars,  and  I wouldn’t  have 
made  it  for  a cent  less  for  anybody,  even  if  they  had 
found  their  own  brussels.  But  where  under  the  sun 
they  ever  found  such  brussels  is  a mystery  to  me,  and 
to  Josiah — we  have  talked  it  over  lots  of  times  sense. 

And  then  Tve  made  a short  call  in  Switzerland.  She 
wasn’t  so  big  or  trimmed  off  inside  so  much  as  some 
of  the  Nations.  Her  show  cases  was  quaker  color, 


426 


JOSIAH  PROPOSES  LEARNEN’  MUSIC. 


made  up  plain,  but  they  looked  well.  And  oh  ! such 
watches  as  I did  see  there,  and  such  music  boxes ! 
There  was  one  elegant  lookin’  one  that  played  thirty- 
six  tunes,  and  Josiah  said  he’d  love  to  buy  it,  for  he 
believed  if  he  practiced  enough,  he  could  play  on  it 
first-rate.  That  man  has  a awful  good  opinion  of  him- 
self— by  spells ; says  he  : Don’t  you  believe  Saman- 

tha, that  by  tendin’  right  to  it,  and  givin’  my  mind 
up  to  it,  I could  learn  ? ” 

Says  I dryly,  “ If  you  knew  enough  to  play  well  on 
a fannin’  mill,  or  a grindstun  you  probably  could.” 

And  then  we  went  back  into  the  Main  Aisle,  that 
broad,  and  glitterin’  highway,  full  of  folks — for  as  big 
a crowd  as  you  would  see  through  all  the  Nations, 
you  would  always  find  a bigger  one  here,  of  Tankeys, 
Turkeys,  German,  Dutch,  Tunicks,  Jappaned  men  and 
Chinee,  of  all  sizes,  and  every  sex — and  sot  out  for 
France.  And  truly  if  I hadn’t  give  up  bein’  sur- 
prised long  before,  this  place  would  have  been  the 
ruination  of  me.  Why,  if  it  hadn’t  been  for  a little 
episode  that  took  place  there,  I don’t  know  but  I 
should  be  a wanderin’  round  there  now.  It  beats  all 
how  the  French  race  can  look  right  down  through 
even  the  useful,  and  see  beauty  in  it,  or  make  it. 
You  could  see  everything  there,  from  a necklace  worth 
forty  thousand  dollars,  to  a clay  pipe ; from  a little 
gold  bird  that  sings  every  half  hour  by  the  watch,  up  to 
Virgins,  and  sweet  faced  Madonnas  and  saints;  and 
the  Shepherds  and  wise  men  worshippin’  the  infant 


JOHN  ROGERS  SLANDERED. 


427 


Christ  in  a stable,  Mnth  real  straw  in  the  manger,  and 
real  hay  in  the  oxen’s  rack.  But  good  land ! there’s 
no  use  try  in’  to  tell  what  was  there.  I couldn’t  do  it 
if  I talked  my  tongue  off,  so  I wont  try. 

I was  a settin’  down  in  the  centre  of  the  room  on 

3 

as  soft  a lounge  as  I ever  sot  on,  a lookin’  at  the  per- 
fectly gorgeous  and  wonderful  display  of  silks  and 
velvets  a displayin’  themselves  to  me,  when  a good 
lookin’  feller  and  girl  come  in,  and  sot  down  by  me, 
and  they  was  a talkin’  over  the  things  they  had  seen, 
and  I a mindin’  my  own  business,  when  the  young 
feller  spoke  up,  and  says  he  to  the  girl : 

“ Have  you  seen  John  Rogers  goin’  to  the  Parson, 
to  git  married  ? ” 

“ No,”  says  she. 

Well,”  says  he,  ^^you  ort  to.” 

I turned  right  round  and  give  that  young  feller  a 
look  witherin’  enough  to  wither  him,  and  says  I : 
“ That  is  a pretty  story  to  tell  to  wimmen,  that  you 
have  seen  John  Rogers  goin’  to  the  Parson  to  git 
married.” 

I did  see  it,”  says  he,  jest  as  brazen  as  a brass 
candlestick. 

Says  I firmly,  You  didn’t.” 

Says  he,  I did.” 

Says  I with  dignity,  Don’t  you  tell  me  that  again, 
or  Pll  know  the  reason  why.  You  never  see  John 
Rogers  a goin’  to  git  married.  John  was  burnt  up 
years  ago ; and  if  he  wasn’t,  do  you  think  he  was  a 
17 


428 


THK  Si^.Vii:NTH  BOY  OF  JOHN  HOOERS. 


/ 


man  to  go  and  try  to  git  married  again  when  he 
had  a wite  and  nine  childern,  and  one  at  the  breast  ? 
Never!  John  Rogers’es  morals  was  sound;  I guess  it 
will  take  more  than  you  to  break  ’em  down  at  this 
late  day.’’ 

The  young  feller’s  face  looked  awful  red  and  he 
glanced  up  at  the  young  woman  and  tried  to  turn  it 
off  in  a laugh  and  says  he: 

‘‘  This  is  John  Rogers  Jr.,  old  John  Rogers’es  boy.” 

Why  how  you  talk  1 ” says  I in  agitated  tones : 

“ Which  one  is  it ; is  it  the  one  at  the  breast  ? ” 

‘‘No!”  says  he.  “It  is  the  seventh  boy,  named 
after  his  father.  I am  well  acquainted  with  him,” 
says  he  takin’  out  his  watch  : “ I hav^e  an  appoint- 
ment to  meet  him  in  about  half  an  hour,  and  I’ll 
introduce  you  to  him.  You’d  love  to  see  his  ‘ Goin’ 
to  the  Parson,’  it  is  a beautiful  statute.” 

“ Oh,”  says  I,  “ then  he  is  a Statuary  by  trade ! 
why  didn’t  you  say  so  in  the  first  on’t.” 

“Yes,”  says  he,  “he  has  got  beautiful  ones,  and 
we  will  both  go  with  you;”  and  he  smiled  again  at 
her,  and  she  smiled  back  at  him.  My  mind  was  all 
took  up  and  agitated  at  the  idee  of  seeiii’  the  son  of 
that  noble  maytyr,  my  elevator  over  Betsey,  the 
Widder  and  other  suflferin’s.  I told  Josiah  I would 
be  back  again  in  a few  moments,  and  then  I told  the 
young  feller  I was  ready  to  go  wdth  ’em  ; and  present- 
ly I stood  in  the  United  States  again,  a lookin’  at 
some  beautiful  little  statutes. 


ROGERS’  STATUARY. 


429 


John  Rogers  Jr.  wasn’t  there  when  we  arrived,  and 
so  I went  to  admirin’  his  statutes.  They  was  perfccllj 
beautiful,  though  middlin’  small  sized,  and  they  all 
had  clothes  on,  which  was  a surprise  to  me,  and  in- 
deed a treat.  The  young  couple  coinin’  to  the  Par- 
son, looked  first-rate,  though  considerable  sheepish. 
And  there  was  the  Favored  Scholar,”  lookin’  pretty 
and  important,  and  the  little  boy,  who  I persume  got 
whipped  several  times  a day,  makin’  up  a face  at  her, 
jest  as  natural.  And  there  was  “ We  Boys,”  on  the 
horse’s  back — goin’  after  the  cows,  mebby  ; you  could 
almost  smell  the  clover  blows,  and  the  sweet  hay  a 
bio  win’  down  the  lane,  and  almost  hear  the  tinklin’ 
of  the  cow  bell  way  off  in  the  age  of  the  woody 
pasture  ; the  boys  faces  told  the  liull  stor3\  And  then 
there  was  the  confederate  lady  witli  the  sick  child, 
“ Drawin’  Rations”  of  the  triumphant  North.  All  the 
pride  of  a long  race  of  proud  ancestors  looked  out  of 
her  sad  eyes,  as  she  came  to  take  charity  of  her  con- 
queror; but  it  was  done  for  love's  sake — you  could 
see  that  too,  and  that  makes  hard  things  easy.  It  is 
a middlin’  quiet  influence,  but  it  is  more  powerful  in 
movin’ folks  than  a earthquake.  And  then  there  was 
the  ^^Tap  on  the  Window,”  and  ^‘Rip  Van  Winkle,” 
and  others ; and  before  I had  got  half  through  admirin’ 
of  ’em,  a good  lookin’  man  come  along  that  seemed 
awful  tickled  to  see  the  feller  and  girl  with  me,  and 
they  laughed  and  whispered  to  each  other  real  friendly, 
and  then  the  young  chap  says  he:  Allow  me  to 


430 


JOHN  ROGERS  JR. 


introduce  you  Madam,  to  my  friend  Jolin  Bogers  Jr.” 

Says  I,  in  tones  tremblin’  with  emotion  : ^^IIow  do 
you  do,  John  Rogers  Jr.,  I’ll  make  you  acquainted 
with  Josiah  Allen’s  wife and  then  I made  a low 
curchy  and  shook  hands  with  him,  and  says  I,  I am 
all  well,  and  hope  you  are  the  same.”  And  then 
politeness  bein’  attended  to,  I spoke  out  and  says  I : 

John  Rogers  Jr.,  you  haint  no  idee  how  I have 
been  admirin’  your  statutes,  not  only  on  account  of 
their  wonderful  beauty,  but  on  the  account  of  your 
honored  father.  Your  father,  John  Rogers  Jr.,  was 
one  of  the  noblest  men  I ever  got  acquainted  with — in 
a history  way,  I mean.  Folks  may  think  they  hav^e 
got  sound,  well-seasoned  principles  that  will  stand 
most  any  strain,  but  I tell  you,  let  anybody  be  sot 
fire  to,  and  that  will  show  what  stuff  they  are  made 
of.”  Says  I,  I have  heerd  folks  tell  about  gittin’ 
up  and  bearin’  the  cross,  in  a room  all  carpeted  off, 
and  jest  warm  enough  for  comfort;  I never  loved  to 
hear  it,  for  if  that  means  anything,  it  means  bearin’ 
the  hull  sin  and  sorrows  of  the  world,  the  agony  and 
despair,  when  earth  destroyed  and  Heaven  seemed 
to  have  forgotten.  It  means  a good  deal ; I’ve  heerd 
folks  talk  about  bearin’  their  cross  in  gittin’  up  and 
exhortin’  folks,  when  you  couldn’t  tie  ’em  down  they 
wanted  to  git  up  and  talk  so  awful  bad,  and  you 
couldn’t  stop  ’em,  when  they  got  at  it.  Why,  to  look 
round  on  the  congregation  sometimes,  you  would 
think  if  there  was  any  agony  about  it,  the  hearers  was 


BEARING  THE  CROSS. 


431 


the  ones  a sufferin’  of  it.  It  is  all  right  to  talk  in 
meetin’ ; I have  heerd  them  that  I had  jest  as  lives 
hear  as  any  minister — tender,  simple  messages  that 
come  straight  from  a good  lovin’  Christian  heart,  and 
went  to  other  hearts,  jest  like  a arrer  from  a bo. 

But  I never  loved  to  hear  folks  say  they  was  bear- 
in’ a cross  when  they  wasn’t.  I say  it  is  jest  as  bad 
to  tell  a wrong  story  in  a meetin’-house  as  in  a barn, 
or  a sugar  bush.  I have  heerd  these  same  folks  git 
up  and  say  they  was  willin’  to  die  off  that  minute  for 
the  Lord’s  sake,  and  after  rneetin’  I would  ask  ’em  to 
give  25  cents  to  help  God’s  poor — work  He  left  below 
for  His  childern  to  do  in  His  name,  and  not  a cent 
could  I git  from  ’em.  They  was  willin’  to  bear  the 
cross  for  Him  with  their  tongue,  and  die  off  for  Him 
with  the  same,  in  conference  meetin’ ; but  when  it 
come  to  lendin’  the  Lord  25  cents,  this  they  truly  felt 

was  askin’  too  much  of  ’em.  And  then  I'had  mv  own 

%/ 

idees  whether  they  was  really  willin’  to  die  off,  and  I 
had  my  own  mind  too  whether  I was  willin’  to  have 
’em.  When  they  was  baptized  they  left  their  pocket 
books  to  home,  in  the  stand  draw,  but  they  ort  to  have 
been  baptized  too — all  over  by  immersion. 

When  the  Lord  gives  a person  health  and  strength 
to  en  joy  the  beautiful  world  he  placed  him  in,  and  pow- 
ers to  labor  for  Him  and  for  humanity,  I don’t  believe 
He  requires  at  the  same  time  dyin’  grace  of  ^em.  He 
wants  them  to  have  livin’  grace,  and  use  it.  They 
ort  to  be  willin’  to  live,  which  is  a great  deal  harder 


432 


INTO  ENGLAND. 


sometimes.  But  truly,  I was  drawed  into  this  episod- 
iii’  by  comparin’  your  honored  father  in  my  mind  with 
these  I have  named.  If  they  won’t  give  25  cents  for 
their  religion,  what  would  they  say  if  they  had  to  give 
what  your  father  gave.  His  principle  and  religion 
bore  the  flames  of  agony  and  death  and  wasn’t  burnt 


INTRODUCED  TO  JOHN  ROGERS  JR. 


up — they  couldn’t  make  a Are  hot  enough.”  John 
put  his  handkerchief  to  his  face  and  I sec  lie  was  dret- 
fully  affected,  so  I bid  him  a almost  tender  good-bye 
and  jined  my  pardner,  and  we  went  into  England. 

I took  a sight  of  comfort  iTi  my  tower  through 
Great  Britain,  a seein’  her  noble  doins  and  meditatiir 
how  well  off  she  was,  and  how  she  has  prospered. 


THE  OLD  MOTHER. 


433 


Of  course  I can’t  help  feelin’  a little  parslial  to 
America,  but  the  old  lady  country  seems  awful  near 
to  me;  I think  a sight  of  her.  You  can’t  tear  up  a 
tree  and  set  it  out  in  a new  place  without  leavin’  lots 
of  little  roots  in  the  old  soil ; a mother  and  daughter 
can’t  be  parted  away  from  cacli  other  without  lots  of 
memories  and  affections  dingin’  round  each  other’s 
heart.  Now,  after  I left  Mother  Smith’s  and  had  a 
home  of  my  own,  I was  always  glad  to  see  Mother 
Smith  have  things  fur  lier  comfort;  the  more  dresses 
and  housen  stuff  she  had,  the  better  I liked  it.  And 
so  it  was  with  me  and  Enerlard,  I didn’t  feel  a bit 
hurt  because  she  seemed  so  well  off;  not  a bit.  Her 
display  that  she  displayed  to  tlm  Sentinal  was  next  to 
our  own  in  size  and  grandeur.  It  was  beyond  all 
description,  so  fur  beyond,  that  description  couldn’t 
think  of  catchin’  up,  but  would  set  right  down. 

I will  merely  mention  one  thing,  a statute  of  the 
Saviour  holdin’  a child  in  his  arms,  Safe  in  the  arms 
of  Jesus;”  it  was  beautiful,  extremely  so;  it  almost 
brought  tears  to  my  eyes  it  was  so  affectin’. 

And  then  we  went  to  India,  Josiah  and  me  did  ; 
almost  the  oldest  country  in  the  world,  and  exceed- 
ingly  curious.  Here  we  see  some  of  the  most  fine 
and  delicate  store  clothes  I ever  laid  eyes  on  ; I could 
have  hid  a hull  muslin  dress  of  thirty-five  yards  in 
Josiah’s  vest  pocket,  if  it  would  have  been  right  so  to 
do,  and  nobody  would  have  mistrusted  he  was  carryin’ 
off  a thing.  Why,  a double  thickness  hangin’  over 


434 


A VALUABLE  BIRD. 


my  Josiah  wouldn’t  hinder  me  from  seein’  my  pardner 
a particle ; and  then  we  see  dresses  of  the  lower  class, 
all  made  ready  to  put  on  ; fourteen  yards  of  cloth  in 
a straight  strip.  Them  wimmen  don’t  fool  away 
their  time  on  boddis  waists  and  overskirts. 

Then  we  went  through  the  hull  of  the  British 
Colonies,  stopped  in  front  of  the  hull  of  ’em,  treated 
’em  all  friendly  and  alike.  Then  we  tackled  a hull 
lot  of  Islands,  sailed  round  the  Iiull  of  ’em  from  Vic- 
toria to  New  Zealand.  While  travellin’  through  the 
last  named,  I clung  to  Josiah’s  arm  almost  mekaiii- 
cally,  though  I knew  his  small  weight  by  the  steel- 
yards, (one  hundred  pounds,  mostly  bones)  was  in  his 
favor.  We  see  there  the  skeleton  of  the  great  wing- 
less bird  Moa,  bigger  than  the  ostridge ; by  their  tell, 
the  eggs  would  be  splendid  for  cookin’.  Seven  b}"  ten 
— one  bilcd  egg  would  be  enough  for  a large  family. 
I asked  ’em  if  they  s’posed  I could  git  a couple  of  eggs ; 
I thought  if  I could,  I would  set  three  or  four  hens  on 
’em  and  a goose  or  two,  and  git  a flock  started. 

And  in  Bermuda  we  see  amongst  lots  of  other 
things,  some  brain  coral.  And  as  the  poet  truly  saith, 
‘‘Every  part  strengthens  a part,”  I thought  what  a 
interestin’  and  agreeable  food  that  would  be  for  some 
people  to  eat  three  times  a day,  till  their  symptoms 
was  removed.  We  was  travellin’  through  the  Nations 
now  pretty  middlin’  fast,  not  alone  from  principle 
heretofore  named,  but  also  from  the  fact  that  we  had 
seen  so  much,  that  we  didn’t  see  nothin’. 


A AFFECTIN*  SCENE. 


435 


111  Sweden  iny  feelins  got  worked  upon  to  a very 
affectin’  degree ; first  I knew,  riglit  there  in  the  midst 
of  life,  and  the  brilliant  animation  of  the  scene,  I see 
a little  coffin  and  a- cradle  with  a dead  baby  in  it,  and 
leanin’  over  it  weepin’,  as  if  her  heart  would  break 
was  the  afflicted  mother;  and  in  a chair  nigh  by, 
jest  as  if  it  was  my  Josiah,  sot  the  father  lookin’  as  if 
he  would  sink,  with  a little  girl  jest  about  the  age  of 
Tirzah  Ann  when  I married  her  pa,  a standin’  by 
him.  A man,  a minister  I thought  by  his  looks 
stood  by  ’em,  but  not  a woman  nigh  ’em,  nobody 
offerin’  to  do  a thing  for  ’em,  and  they  in  a strange 
land.  I walked  right  up  to  ’em  and  says  I in  a trem- 
blin’ voice : 

You  are  a stranger  to  me,  mom,  but  I see  you  are 
in  deep  trouble,  and  the  hand  of  sorrow  draws  hearts 
that  was  wdde  apart  close  together,  and  the  voice  of 
pity  and  sympathy  speaks  through  every  language 
under  the  sun.  Can  I do  anything  to  help  you  mom  ? 
If  I can,  command  me  do  it,  for  I feel  for  you,”  says 
I drawin’  out  my  white  cotton  handkerchief  and 
wipin’  my  eyes,  “ I too  am  a stepmother.” 

She  didn’t  say  nothin’;  I see  grief  was  overcomin’ 
of  her,  and  I turned  to  him  and  says  I,  If  I can  be 
of  any  use  to  you  sir,  if  there  is  any  preparations  to 
make,  I stand  willin’  and  readv  to  make  ’em.” 

He  didn’t  say  nothin’ ; so  I says  to  the  minister : 

Respected  sir,  I see  this  afflicted  family  is  perfectly 
overcome  with  their  feelins  ; but  I want  ’em  to  know 
17* 


436 


A LESSORS  LEARNED. 


when  they  come  to  and  realize  things,  that  if  they 
need  help  I stand  ready  to  help  ’em.  Will  you  tell 
’em  so  ? ” 

He  didn’t  answer  me  a word  ; and  tliinks’es  I,  there 
haint  but  one  more  step  that  I can  take  to  show  my 
good  will,  and  I says  to  the  little  girl  in  tender  tones : 

Come  to  Aunt  Samantha  sissy,  your  poor  pa  is 
feelin’  awfully.”  And  I took  holt  of  her  hand,  and 
there  it  was,  nothin’  but  a dumb  figger,  and  there  they 
all  was,  nothin’  but  dumb  figgers ! And  as  I took  a 
realizin’  sense  of  it,  I was  a dumb  figger  myself  (as  it 
were),  for  most  a minute  I stood  in  deep  dumljfound- 
er — not  shame,  for  my  words  had  sot  out  from  good 
motives,  and  the  home  of  principle.  But  I put  my 
handkerchief  in  my  pocket  and  started  along;  Exper- 
ience keeps  a good  school.  There  was  more  than 
twenty  other  figgers  that  1 should  have  tackled  as 
sure  as  the  world,  if  1 hadn’t  come  right  out  of  that 
school  kep’  by  E.  And  in  Norway  I persume  I 
should  have  asked  that  Laplander  in  a sledge,  some 
questions  about  his  own  country;  if  reindeers  was 
profitable  as  horses,  or  if  he  didn’t  think  a cutter 
would  be  easier  goin’,  or  sunthirf.  But  as  it  was,  I 
passed  ’em  with  a mean  almost  marble  for  composure. 
I had  had  an  idee  that  Sweden  and  Norway  was  sort 
o’  hangin’  back  in  the  onward  march  of  the  Nations; 
why,  I almost  thought  they  was  a settin’  down ; but 
I see  my  ignorance ; they  are  a keepin’  up  nobly 
w'ith  Jonesville  and  the  world 


BAD  SIGHTS  IN  PERU. 


437 


And  then  we,  Josiah  and  me,  went  off  into  Italy, 
and  there  see  more  carved  wood-work,  perfectly  won- 
derful, some  of  it ; and  jewelry  and  furniture,  and 
statutes.  There  was  one  of  David — I never  see  David 
look  any  better — and  then  there  was  one  small  statute 
of  Dante.  I wasn’t  formally  acquainted  with  Dante 
myself,  but  I have  heerd  Thomas  J.  read  about  him  a 
sight.  Oh  what  troubles  that  man  went  through.  It 
was  very  interestin’  and  agreeable  to  me  to  form  his 
acquaintance  here,  (as  it  were.) 

And  then,  not  wantin’  to  slight  nobody,  we  made  a 
short  tower,  a very  short  one,  through  the  Argentine 
Republic,  though  the  news  never  had  got  to  Jones- 
ville — I never  heerd  in  my  life  that  there  was  such  a 
Nation  till  I see  its  name  wrote  out.  And  there  we 
see  minerals,  and  shawls,  and  so  4th,  and  so  4th. 
Ilearin’  that  Peru  was  right  back  of  it,  and  feelin’ 
that  I would  ruther  lose  a dollar  bill  than  to  have 
Peru  feel  slighted,  we  made  ’em  a short  visit.  I 
hadn’t  been  there  two  moments  before  I told  Josiali 
that  I’d  ruther  have  run  the  risk  of  hurtin’  her  feel- 
ins  than  to  have  gone  near  her,  if  I had  had  any  idee 
what  I was  a goin’  to  see. 

I can  truly  say  without  lyin’  that  they  had  the 
very  hurnbliest  skulls  there  that  I ever  did  see.  There 
haint  any  too  much  beauty  in  common  skulls,  but 
these  were  truly  hegns.  And  such  relics  of  humbli- 
ncss  ; such  awful  lookin’  water-jars — how  anybody 
could  ever  drink  a drop  of  water  out  of  ’em  is  a 


43S 


JOSIAH  NEARLY  UNSTRUNG. 


mystery  to  me.  And  such  fearfully  humbly  mummys ; 
there  was  eight  on  ’em,  some  with  their  knees  drawd 
up  to  their  breasts,  and  some  in  other  postures,  but 
every  one  on  ’em  enough  to  scare  a cast-iron  man — 
Josiah  groaned  aloud  as  he  looked  at  ’em.  I told  him 
we  ort  to  bear  up  under  the  sight  as  well  as  we  could, 
for  they  was  interestin’  from  the  fact  that  they  was 
dug  up  out  of  old  tombs  and  mounds. 

But  he  groaned  again  louder  than  ever,  and  says  he, 
‘‘What  made  ’em  dig  ’em  up?”  Says  he,  “If  they 
had  been  on  my  land,  I’d  ruther  give  a dollar  than  to 
have  had  ’em  dug  out  where  I could  see  ’em.” 

I got  Josiah  out  as  quick  as  I could  fori  see  them 
mummys  and  relics  had  overcome  him  so.  I hurried 
him  out,  for  I was  afraid  he  would  git  completely 
unstrung,  and  I knew  if  he  should,  I was  too  afflicted 
with  horror  myself  to  try  to  string  him  up  again.  So 
we  went  back  still  further,  into  Orange,  for  I told 
Josiah  I would  be  glad  enough  to  git  a couple  of 
fresh  oranges,  for  we  both  needed  refreshin’  after 
what  we  had  passed  through.  But  I didn’t  see  an 
orange  there,  though  I see  some  noble  ostridge  feath- 
ers, and  diamonds,  and  wheat,  and  elephant  tusks,  and 
cream  of  tartar  vegetable,  and  so  4th,  and  etcetery ; 
and  then  we  went  right  off  into  China. 

I told  Josiah  it  would  look  friendly  in  us  to  pay 
considerable  attention  to  Otiina,  they  bein’  neighbors 
of  ours,  (their  land  joins  our  farm  I s’pose,  on  the 
underside.)  Some_  folks  think  that  this  is  the  most 


WHAT  WAS  SEEN  IN  CHINA. 


439 


strikin’  ISTation  to  the  Sentinal,  but  I don’t  know  as 
it  struck  me  much  harder  than  Japan  did — they  both 
dealt  my  mind  fearful  blows.  We  entered  into  this 
countr}^  through  a tall  noble  gateway  of  carved  wood 
painted  in  dark  colors,  with  the  roof  turned  up,  and 
trimmed  off  with  dragons  like  tea-chests  and  pagodas, 
and  all  other  Chinese  public  structures.  And  the 
show  cases  was  on  the  same  plan,  all  fixed  off  with 
such  curious  figgers  ; and  curious  is  no  name  for  what 
we  see  there.  Such  carvin’s  of  wood  and  ivory  ; why 
there  was  a hull  meetin’  hou^e,  most  all  steeple,  seven 
or  eight  stories  high,  with  bells  a hangin’  from  every 
one  of  ’em.  This  meetin’  house  was  all  fenced  in 
with  trees  in  the  door  yard,  and  men  and  wimmen  a 
walkin’  up  to  the  house  of  Joss.  The  hull  thing  was 
carved  out  of  ivory.  I almost  disputed  the  eye  of  my 
spectacles  as  I see  it.  And  then  there  was  a hull 
procession  of  ivory  Mandarins,  meanderin’  along; 
and  balls  within  balls,  fifteen  in  number,  the  outside 
one  bein’  not  much  bigger  than  a hen’s  egg,  and 
every  one  of  ’em  carved  with  the  most  exquisite  vines 
and  flowers.  How  they  ever  done  it  is  a mystery  to 
me,  and  so  it  is  to  Josiah. 

And  then  such  splendid  though  extremely  curious 
furniture  as  we  see  here;  there  was  seven  elegant 
pieces  which  was  made  of  mahogony,  trimmed  off 
beautifully  with  whitewood  and  ivory ; each  piece  was 
about  the  height  of  a table,  and  the  seven  could  be 
formed  into  seven  thousand  shapes.  Anybody  could 


440 


A LOOK  AT  JAPAN. 


change  ’em  into  a new  article  of  furniture  every  day 
for  twenty  years.  For  a restless  woman  that  is  always 
movin’  round  her  bedstead  and  buro,  and  parlor  table, 
these  would  be  indeed  refreshin’  and  agreeable  housen 
stuff.  And  there  was  a four  thousand  dollar  bedstead, 
all  ornamented  and  embellished  with  different  sorts  of 
dragons,  and  other  interestin’  reptiles.  There  was 
sights  of  work  on  it.  I haint  got  a bedstead  in  my 
house,  that  there  is  lialf  the  work  on;  but  I have  got 
them  that  I believe  my  soul  I could  sleep  in  as  well 
again,  for  there  was  so  many  animals  of  different  kinds 
a creepin’  up,  and  lookin’  down  from  overhead,  and 
crawlin’  along  the  sides,  that,  thinks’es  I to  myself, 
after  layin’  on  it  for  several  days,  a nite  mail*  would 
be  almost  a treat.  I don’t  say  that  the  mair  would 
look  so  curious,  but  she  would  be  a sort  of  a rarity. 

But  if  I had  disputed  the  eye  of  my  spectacle  in 
China,  what  could  I say  to  ’em  in  Japan.  Such 
nicety  of  work,  such  patience  and  long  sufferin’  as 
must  have  gone  into  their  manufactorys.  Why  there 
was  a buro,  black  and  gold,  with  shelves  and  draws,  and 
doors  hung  with  gold  and  silver  hinges,  and  every 
])art  of  that  buro  clear  to  the  backside  of  the  bottom 
draw,  was  nicer,  and  fixed  off  handsomer  than  any 
handkerchief  pin.  They  asked  four  thousand  five 
hundred  dollars  for  it,  and  it  was  worth  it ; I wouldn’t 
make  it  for  a cent  less,  and  so  I told  the  Jappaned 
man  that  showed  it  off  to  us.  Though,  as  I said  to 
. him,  bein’  a literary  woman  doin’  my  own  housework, 


IHE  C 1NES£  LE/AIiT.MLNl. 


A VIRTUOUS  TEA-POT. 


443 


and  off  on  towers  of  principle  every  little  while,  it 
wasn’t  much  likely  I should  ever  git  time  to  make  one. 

I was  jest  lookin’  admirinly  at  a tall  noble  tea-pot, 
when  a woman  dressed  up  awful  slick  says  to  me: 
‘^Did  you  ever  see  such  rare  and  lovely  articles  of 
virtu  ? ” 

Says  I coolly,  I have  seen  jest  as  virtuous  tea- 
pots as  that  is,  though,”  says  I,  “ I don’t  know  a 
thing  ag’inst  its  character,  and  persume  it  is  as  likely 
a tea-pot  as  tea  was  ever  steeped  in  ; but  I don’t  know 
as  it  is  any  more  so.” 

Says  she,  You  didn’t  understand  me  Madam;  I 
said  they  were  rare  articles  of  virtu.” 

Says  I firmly,  and  with  dignity,  I heerd  you  the 
first  time;  but  I differ  with  vou  mom.  I don’t  think 
virtuous  tea-pots  are  rare,  I never  was  one  to  be  a mis- 
trustin’ and  lookin’  out  for  meanness  so  much  as  some 
be.  I never  should  think  of  mistrustin’  a tea-pot  or 
sugar  bowl  no  more  than  I should  my  Josiah,  and  I 
should  jest  as  soon  mistrust  a meetin’  house  as  him.” 

She  looked  me  full  in  the  face  in  a sort  of  a wonder- 
in’ way,  and  started  off.  I guess  she  didn’t  know  mucli, 
or  mebby  she  made  a blunder.  I know  I never  heerd 
anybody  talk  about  stunware  bein’  virtuous  in  my  hull 
life  before.  But  folks  will  git  things  wrong  some- 
times ; I persume  I should  myself  if  I wasn’t  so  awful 
careful  what  I said  and  who  I said  it  to. 

After  she  went  off  I went  to  lookin’  at  the  bronzes. 
Never  before  did  I feel  on  such  intimate  terms  with 


444 


GETS  ACQUAINTED  WITH  DRAGONS. 


dragons,  and  cranes,  and  storks.  Why  I felt  as  if  I 
knew  ’em  like  sisters. 

There  was  one  vase  higher  than  my  Josiah,  that  the 
handles  of  it  was  clear  dragons,  and  nothin’  else,  and 
a row  of  wimmen  a dancin’  round  it,  each  one  carryin’ 
a rose  in  her  hand  bigger  than  her  head,  and  up  the 
sides  of  it  was  foxes  in  men’s  clothes.  And  the  han- 
dles of  another  vase  was  a flock  of  birds  settlin’  down 
on  a rock,  with  a dragon  on  it,  and  on  top  of  it  a 
eagle  a swoopin’  down  onto  a snake.  There  was  the 
most  lovely  blue  and  white  vases  as  tall  again  as 
my  pardner,  with  gold  dragons  on  ’em ; and  scarlet 
and  green  vases  with  sandy  complected  dragons  on 
’em.  Oh,  how  well  acquainted  I did  git  with  ’em ! 
I told  Josiah  I almost  wished  we  could  buy  a 
span  of  ’em  to  take  home  with  us,  to  remember 
Japan  by,  for  she  is  a example  to  follow  in  lots  of 
things.  Her  patriotism,  her  enthusiasm  in  learnin’  is 
a pattern  for  Jones ville  and  other  Nations  of  the 
world  to  foller.  Better  behaved,  well-meaniner  little 
men  than  them  Jappaned  men  (though  dark  complex- 
ioned)  I don’t  want  to  see ; they  are  truly  gentlemen. 
To  see  ’em  answerin’  questions  so  patient  and  polite, 
impudent  questions  and  foolish  ones  and  everything, 
and  they  a bearin’  it,  and  not  losin’  their  gentle  ways 
and  courtesy,  not  gettin’  fractious  or  worrysome  a 
mite  ; I hunched  Josiah  to  take  notice,  and  says  I, 

Josiah  Allen  you  might  set  at  their  feet  and  learn 
of ’em  with  advantage  to  you.  China  and  Japan  are 


*'DEAR  SAMANTHA/' 


445 


both  queer,  but  Japan’s  queerness  has  a imaginative 
artistic  quirl  to  it  that  China’s  queerness  don’t  have. 
Truly  the  imaginations  of  them  Jappaned  men  must 
be  of  ^ size  and  heft  that  we  can  hardly  realize. 

Leavin’  Japan,  I told  Josiah  I guessed  we  would 
not  go  to  Denmark,  and  he  said  he  might  live 
through  it,  and  he  might  not,  he  was  so  near  starved. 
But  he  hadn’t  hardly  got  into  that  country  when  all 
of  a sudden  he  laid  holt  of  me  and  pulled  me  out  one 
side,  and  says  he : 

^^Look  out  my  dear  Samantha,  or  you’ll  git  hurt.” 

I looked  up  and  I was  most  startled  for  a minute 
myself,  fora  man  stood  there holdin’  a great  stun  over 
his  head,  a lookin’  down  as  if  he  was  a goin’  to  throw 
it  right  at  our  heads.  But  in  a minute  I says,  It  is 
a statute,  Josiah,  it  wont  hurt  us.” 

And  he  cooled  down  ; he  hadn’t  called  me  ^^dear 
Samantha”  before,  for  over  fourteen  years  ; but  truly 
danger  is  a blister  that  draws  love  to  the  outside.  He 
almost  worships  me,  but  like  other  married  men,  he 
conceals  it  a good  deal  of  the  time.  His  affectionate 
mean  had  softened  up  my  own  feelins  too,  so  I didn’t 
stay  to  Denmark  only  Jest  long  enough  to  see  some 
very  beautiful  crockery,  and  a large  collection  of  ex- 
ceedinly  curious  curiosities  from  Greenland,  and  then 
Josiah  and  me  (at  his  request)  went  and  took  a lunch 
at  a little  tarvern  right  in  the  buildin’. 

I felt  kinder  disappointed  about  not  stayin’no  longer 
in  Denmark,  on  account  of  Hamlet  (he  come  from 


446 


FOOLIN^  WITH  LOVK 


that  neighborhood,  you  know)  and  I always  did  think 
so  much  of  him,  and  Ophelia  too.  I have  often  heerd 
Thomas  J.  read  about  ’em ; and  I’ve  always  thought 
if  they  had  been  let  alone  they  would  have  done  well, 
for  she  seemed  to  think  everything  of  him,  and  he  of 
her.  I got  to  thinkin’  over  her  affection  and  her  dis- 
appointment while  I was  eatin’  my  dinner.  Thinks’es 
I,  love  is  too  sacred  and  holy  a emotion  to  be  dickered 
and  fooled  with  ; it  is  a great  emotion,  and  ort  to  be 
treated  greatly  and  reverently  ; but  their  haint  a single 
emotion  in  the  hull  line  of  emotions  that  is  so  med- 
dled and  fooled  round  with  as  this  is.  Folks  that  have 
it  seem  to  be  ashamed  of  it,  and  other  folks  make  fun 
of  ’em  for  havin’  it.  Curious  ! you  haint  ashamed  of 
havin’  gratitude,  or  pity,  or  generosity  in  your  heart, 
and  other  folks  don’t  make  light  of  you  for  havin’  ’em  ; 
but  when  it  comes  to  love,  which  is  the  holiest  of  all, 
the  shadder  of  the  Infinite,  the  symbol  of  all  that  is 
heavenly  and  glorious,  the  brightest  reflection  we 
catch  on  earth  of  the  Divdne  Nature,  folks  giggle  at  it 
and  snicker;  curious,  very  ! But  I always  felt  sorry 
for  Ophelia  and  Hamlet. 

Then  we  sot  sail  for  Egypt.  There  was  a heavy 
lookin’  wall  and  gateway,  and  on  each  side  was  a big 
square  column,  or  pillow,  though  some  tippin’.  Over 
the  gate  was  the  flags  of  Egypt  and  the  United  States, 
green  and  yeller,  red,  white,  and  blue,  minglin’  to- 
gether jest  as  friendly  as  the  green  earth,  and  red  and 
yeller  sunsets,  with  stars  a shinin’  through  ’em  ever 


OLD  PEOPLE. 


447 


did ; and  some  of  the  curiousest  lookin’  writin’  lever 
did  see.  On  each  side,  amongst  lots  of  other  orna- 
ments and  things,  was  two  as  ancient  lookin’  females 
as  I ever  see  on  a bust,  and  these  words  printed  out  in 
good  noble  writin’ : The  oldest  people  of  the  w^orld 
sends  its  morning  greeting  to  the  youngest  Nation.” 

As  we  went  in,  two  Egyptians  met  us,  dressed  in 
their  national  costume,  as  loose  and  baggy  as  a meal 
bag,  and  Josiah  looked  admirinly  at  ’em,  and  says  he. 

How  remarkable  they  do  hold  their  age,  Samantha; 
they  don't  look  much  older  than  /do and  says  he  in 
a still  more  respectful  tone,  ^Hhey  must  be  pretty 
nigh  onto  two  hundred.” 

“ What  makes  you  think  so,  Josiah  Allen  ?”  says  I. 

Why  ” says  he  you  see  it  wrote  out  there  ^ the 
oldest  people  in  the  world’,  and  we  have  ’em  here  over 
a hundred.” 

Says  I,  ‘‘Josiah  Allen  if  it  wasn’t  for  me  liow  little 
your  tower  would  elevate  you,  and  inform  you  says 
I,  “ it  don’t  mean  them,  it  means  most  probable  them 
old  wimmen  up  there  on  a bust,  or  mebby  it  means 
old  sphynx — the  old  lady  who  takes  care  of  the  pyra- 
mids— you  know  she  is  old  as  the  hills,  and  older  than 
lots  of  ’em.” 

Says  he  “I  wonder  if  that  is  her  handwritin’  clear 
up  over  the  gate-way  ! I should  think  she  was  old  by 
that  ; I should  jest  as  lives  go  down  to  the  creek  and 
read  duck’s  tracks  and  slate  stuns.” 

And  we  see  a bust  of  Pharioh,  who  was  drownded 


448 


SMOKIN’  WATER; 


in  the  Red  Sea.  A good  lookin’  man  for  one  that  wa» 
twenty-two  hundred  and  fifty  years  old,  and  was 
plagued  so  much,  and  went  through  with  what  he  did. 
And  in  another  room  of  the  Court  we  see  the  man 
that  built  one  of  the  pyramids,  Cephenes  by  name, — a 
feller  six  thousand  years  old.  Good  land  ! As  I looked 
on  him,  I felt  as  if  Josiah  and  me  was  two  of  the  very 
smallest  drops  in  a mighty  ocian  that  hadn’t  no  begin- 
nin’  nor  no  endin’,  no  bottom  and  no  shore.  I felt 
almost  choked  up,  and  exceedinly  curious.  From 
Egypt  we  went  straight  into  Turkey,  and  there  we 
saw  lots  of  beautiful  articles  them  Turkeys  had  made 
out  of  olive-wood,  and  etcetery.  We  saw  pipes  with 
long  stems  for  smokin’  water ; Josiah  said  Iie’d  love 
to  try  one  of  ’em,  and  I believe  he  would  if  it  hadn’t 
been  for  me.  There  was  a Turkish  Bazzar  on  the 
grounds  where  they  go  to  smoke  ’em  ; but  I told  him 
almost  coldly,  that  he  had  better  go  home  and  smoke 
the  penstock  that  he  draws  water  with  from  the  canal ; 
and  he  give  up  the  idee. 

And  there  was  handsome  silks  of  all  colors ; tliere 
was  one  piece  of  a soft  grey  color,  that  I told  Josiah 
I would  love  dearly  to  have  a dress  of  it,  and  after  I 
said  that,  that  man  hurried  me  along  so  I didn’t 
hardly  see  anything — I s’pose  he  wanted  to  git  the 
idee  out  of  my  head,  for  he  never  seemed  easy  a minute 
till  he  got  me  out  of  Turkey  back  into  Portugal.  I 
never  felt  intimately  acquainted  with  this  Nation — 
I knew  our  port  come  from 'Portugal,  and  that  they 


A QUEER  BLUNDER. 


449 


raised  considerable  cork — but  I found  many  liandsome 
things  there ; splendid  paper  of  all  sorts,  writin’  paper, 
and  elegant  bound  books,  and  some  printin’  on  satin, 
invitations  to  bull  fights,  and  other  choice  amuse- 
ments. I told  Josiah  I should  think  they  would  have 
to  be  printed  on  satin  to  git  anybody  started  to  ’em. 
And  jest  as  I was  sayin’  this,  a good-lookin’  woman 
says  to  me  : “ Splendid  stationery,  isn’t  it  ?” 

I see  she  had  made  a blunder  and  it  was  my  duty  to 
set  her  right,  so  says  I to  her  : don’t  know  as 

it  is  any  more  stationery  than  paper  and  books  com- 
monly is ; they  are  always  stationary  unless  you  move 
’em  round.” 

She  looked  at  me  sort  6’  wonderin’  and  then  laughed 
but  kep’  her  head  up  as  high  as  ever.  It  beats  all 
what  mistakes  some  folks  will  make  and  not  act  mor- 
tified a mite;  but  if  /should  make  such  blunders  I 
should  feel  cheap  as  dirt.  Then  we  took  a short 
tower  into  Spain,  and  we  found  she  had  trimmed  and 
ornamented  herself  beautiful.  You  could  stand  for 
hours  a lookin’  at  the  front  of  this  Nation  painted  to 
look  like  colored  marble,  and  all  figured  off  so  emble- 
matical and  curious.  And  then  we  started  for  Russia, 
and  we  see  that  if  any  Nation  had  done  well,  and  put 
her  best  foot  forred,  she  had.  Such  furs  as  I see  there 
I don’t  never  expect  to  see  again. 

Such  awful  sights  of  silks  and  velvets,  and  embroid- 
eries in  gold  ! There  was  one  man  all  embroidered  in 
gold  that  looked  splendid,  with  a crown  of  the  most 


450 


BIG  CARROTS. 


/ 


brilliant  jewels  on  his  head,  and  another  shinin’  one 
on  the  table  by  the  side  of  him ; and  all  round  in  a 
border  was  as  many  as  twenty  other  gold  saints ; they 
looked  rich.  And  then  there  was  all  sorts  of  linen 
and  cotton  goods  and  umberells  and  everything. 

And  in  Austria  and  Hungary  we  see  beautiful 
bent  wood  furniture  of  all  kinds,  and  the  awfulest 
sight  of  kid  gloves,  and  chromes,  and  oil  paintins, 
and  musical  instruments,  and  the-  most  beautiful 
Bohemian  glass  anybody  ever  did  see.  And  it  was 
there  we  see  the  biggest  opal  in  the  world;  it  is 
wmrth  25,000  dollars,  and  the  man  told  me  it  weighed 
six  hundred  and  two  carats. 

I spoke  right  up  and  says  I,  They  must  be  awful 
small  carrots  then.” 

We  didn’t  argue  wkii  him,  but  we  didn’t  believe  it, 
Josiah  nor  I didn’t,  for  if  the  carrots  was  any  size  at 
all,  six  hundred  of  ’em  would  have  made  more’n  two 
bushels.  But  it  was  a noble  lookin’  stun,  and  a 
crowd  of  wimmen  was  round  it  all  the  while.  I de- 
clare I admired  some  of  their  jewelry  fearfully; 
Josiah  see  that  I did,  and  with  a anxious  mean  he 
hurried  me  off  into  Germany.  And  here  we  see 
everything,  etcetery  and  so  4th ; makin’  one  of  the 
nicest  displays  to  the  Sentinal — and  jewelry,  and  gold 
and  silver  ware,  and  ivory  ware,  of  all  sorts.  There 
was  one  case  containin’  velvet  that  was  made  of  glass 
and  velvet,  the  finest  case  in  the  hull  Main  Buildin’. 

But  now,  havin’  gone  the  rounds  of  the  Nations, 


ALMOST  LUNY. 


451 


and  treatin’  ’em  all  alike,  so  they  couldn’t  one  of  ’em, 
call  me  uppish  or  proud  spirited;  politeness  bein’ 
attended  to  and  nobody  slighted,  I told  Josiah  that  I 
must  git  out  in  the  open  air  and  rest  off  the  eyes 
of  my  spectacles  a little,  or  I didn’t  know  what  the 
result  would  be.  My  head  was  in  a fearful  state ; 
I had  seen  so  much,  it  seemed  as  if  I couldn’t  see 
nothin’,  and  at  the  same  time  I could  see  everytliing, 
right  where  it  wasn’t,  or  anywhere.  Why,  when  I 
would  look  up  in  my  Josiah’s  face,  it  seemed  as  if  I 
could  see  right  on  his  forward,  dragons,  and  pulpits, 
and  on  that  peaceable  bald  head  I could  see  (as  it 
were)  crockydiles,  and  storks,  and  handkerchief  pins; 
my  mean  must  have  looked  bad.  So  we  hurried  out 
through  the  crowd,  and  went  out  under  a venerable 
tree  by  the  side  of  the  path,  and  sot  down ; and  anon, 
or  about  that  time,  my  spectacles  begun  to  be  rested 
off,  and  I see  clearer,  and  realized  things  one  at  a 
time,  more  than  I had  realized  ’em.  When  I come 
out  of  that  Main  Buildin’,  everything  was  mixed  up 
together  to  a degree  that  was  almost  alarmin’. 

But  the  minute  Josiah  Allen  got  rested,  he  was  all 
rousted  up  with  a new  idee.  He  had  catched  a sight 
that  day  of  a Photograph  Gallery,  and  nothin’  to  do 
but  he  must  go  and  have  his  picture  took. 

Says  he,  I wdll  go  and  be  took  Samantha ; sunthin’ 
may  happen  that  we  shall  have  to  go  home  sudden, 
and  I do  want  to  be  took  before  I leave  the  village, 
for  I shant  probable  look  so  dressy,  and  have  so  pretty 


452 


JOSIAH  DECIDES  “ TO  BE  TOOK  " 


a expression  onto  me  for  some  time ; I shall  make  a 
crackin’  good  lookin’  picture,  Samantha.” 

That  man  is  vain  ! but  I didn’t  throw  it  in  his  face,  1 
only  told  him  almost  coldly  to  be  took  if  he  wanted  to. 
And  then  he  beset  me  to  be  took  too.  Says  he,  If 
you  will,  we  will  be  holt  of  hands,  or  lockin’  arms, 
or  any  way.” 

But  I told  him  firmly,  I was  on  a tower  of  Eight, 
and  though  I expected  and  lotted  on  sufferin’  and 
bein’  persecuted  as  a P.  A.,  I would  not  suffer  as  the 
foolish  ones  do ; I would  not,  for  nothin’,  go  into  a 
job  1 dreaded  worse  than  makin’  soap,  or  bilein’  sap. 
But,  says  I,  I will  set  here  and  wait  for  you.” 

So  he  set  off  to  be  took,  feelin’  awful  neat,  and 
say  in’  to  me  the  last  thing,  what  a crackin’  handsome 
picture  he  was  a goin’  to  make. 

That  man  is  as  vain  as  a pea-hen ! I sot  right 
there  peaceful  and  considerable  composed,  though  it 
give  me  solemn  feelins  to  watch  the  crowd  a passin’ 
by  all  the  time,  no  two  alike,  always  a movin’  on, 
never  a stoppin’.  They  seemed  like  the  waves  of  a 
river  that  was  surgin’  right  on  towards  a sea  whose 
name  is  Eternity;  oh,  how  they  kep’  a movin’  on! 
Liberals  from  Liberia,  Tunicks  from  Tunis,  Sand- 
wiches from  Sandwich,  Oranges  from  Orange,  Tur- 
keys from  Turkey  and  Poles  from  Poland;  white 
men,  and  yeller  men,  and  black  men,  and  red  men, 
and  brown  men.  Oh!  what  a sight  it  was  to  see  the 
endless  wave  and  rush  a settin’  on  and  on  forever. 


JONATHAN  BEANS’ES  EX-WIFE. 


453 


And  as  I see  ’em, — though  in  body  I was  a settin’ 
there — I too  was  one  of  ’em  a bein’  carried  on,  and 
floatin’  toward  the  ocian.  I seemed  to  be  kinder 
dizzy,  ‘^a  ridin’,”  as  childern  say  when  they  set  on 
a bridge  and  watch  the  current  sweep  by ; I was  one 
of  the  waves,  and  the  river  was  a runnin’  swift. 

I liadn’t  allegoried  (to  myself)  more  than  two  or 
three  minutes,  probable,  when  I see  a form  I knew, 
Jonathan  Beans’es  ex-wife  by  name,  and  a vegetable 
widow  by  trade.  I rose  right  up  and  catched  holt  of 
her  pin  back,  and  says  I,  Jonathan  Beans’es  ex-wife, 
how  do  you  do  ? ” she  turned  round. 

Why  Josiah  Allen’s  wife!  is  it  you  ?”  And  we 
shook  hands,  and  kissed  each  other,  (though  I don’t 
make  a practice  of  it.)  And  then  I told  her  that 
Josiah  had  gone  to  be  took,  and  I was  a waitin’  for 
him,  and  she  sot  right  down  by  me,  cousin  Bean  did. 
Perhaps  you  will  notice  that  I say  Bean,  and  not  ex- 
Bean,  as  formally ; she  is  livin’  with  her  husband 
again,  so  she  told  me  the  first  thing.  Bean  has  come 
back,  and  they  are  keepin’  a hen  dairy  in  Rhode 
Island ; I asked  her  if  the  hens  didn’t  bother  her  a 
failin’  off  in  the  water,  and  she  said  they  didn’t; 
and  I told  her  you  couldn’t  always  tell  by  the  looks 
of  a map  how  things  really  was.  Then  we  talked 
a good  deal  about  the  Sentinal,  and  then  I inquired 
about  Miss  Astor  and  the  boys;  and  then  we  spoke 
about  Alexander,  and  I told  her  I felt  awful  cut 

down  when  I heerd  he  was  gone;  and  then  we  talked 
18 


454 


REVIEW  OF  OLD  TIMES. 


about  Alexander’s  Widder,  and  we  felt  glad  to  think 
that  it  wasn’t  likely  she  would  ever  be  put  to  it  for 
things  to  eat  or  wear,  and  had  a comfortable  house  to 
live  in,  most  a new  one,”  Miss  Bean  said. 

I told  her  I was  glad  she  had  a house  that  wouldn’t 
want  shinglin’  right  away ; it  is  hard  enough  to  be  a 
Widder  without  bein’  leaked  down  on. 

And  then  we  meandered  off  into  other  friends  in 
the  village,  and  I asked  her  if  Victoria  had  been 
cuttin’  up  and  behavin’  ? 

She  said,  she  guessed  my  advice  had  quieted  her 
down.  She  hadn’t  heerd  of  her  actin’  for  quite  a 
spell.  I felt  noble  when  she  told  me  this,  but  her  very 
next  words  made  me  feel  different ; I didn’t  feel  so 
good  as  I did.  Says  she  : Beecher  has  been  talked 
about  some  sense  you  was  to  the  village.” 

Says  I in  a almost  dry  tone,  I have  heerd  his  name 
mentioned  once  or  twice  durin’  the  past  few  years.” 

I believe  he  is  guilty,”  says  she  with  a radiant  look. 

Well  I don’t,”  says  I almost  warmly.  I don’t 
believe  it  no  more  than  I believe  my  pardner  is  a 
drumedary.”  And  says  I firmly,  will  come  out 
still  plainer ; I don’t  believe  it  no  more  than  I believe 
Josiah  Allen  is  an  ostridge.” 

Oh ! ” says  she  with  a still  more  delighted  and 
lively  mean,  I never  see  anybody  talked  about  quite 
so  bad  as  he  has  been ; and  that  shows  that  meetin’ 
house  folks  haint  no  better  than  common  folks.” 

Miss  Bean  is  a Nothingarian^in  good  standin’,  and 


A ATTACK  ON  RELIGION. 


455 


loves  to  see  meetin’  house  folks  brought  low  ; loves  it 
dearly.  ‘^Jest  think,’’  says  she  with  that  proud  and 
raptuous  look  on  her,  how  high  he  has  stood  up  on 
a meetin’  house,  and  how  he  has  been  run  down  it.” 

But  I interrupted  of  her.  by  askin’  her  this  conun- 
drum, in  about  as  cold  a tone  as  they  make. 

“ Miss  Bean,  which  would  be  apt  to  have  the  big- 
gest, blackest  shadder  at  its  feet ; a mullien  stalk,  or  a 
meetin’  house  ? ” 

Why,  a meetin’  house,  of  course,”  says  she. 

Well,”  says  I,  that  is  reasonable.  I didn’t  know,” 
says  I in  a very  dry  tone,  “ but  you  would  expect  to 
see  a shadder  as  black  and  heavy  as  a meetin’  house 
shadder,  a taggin’  along  after  a mullien  stalk.  But  it 
wouldn’t  be  reasonable ; the  cloud  of  detraction  and 
envy  and  malice  that  follers  on  at  the  feet  of  folks  is 
generally  proportioned  to  their  size.”  Says  I,  Jona- 
than Beans’es  wife,  you  are  not  a runnin’  at  Henry, 
you  are  runnin’  at  Religion.” 

Says  I,  ‘‘  If  Christianity  can  stand  ag’inst  persecu- 
tion and  martyrdom,  if  it  is  stronger  than  death  and  the 
grave,  do  you  s’pose  Jonathan  Beans’es  wife,  and  the 
hull  Nothingarian  church  is  a goin’  to  overthrow  it  ? ” 
Says  I,  Eighteen  hundred  years  ago  the  unbe- 
lievers thought  they  had  hurt  it  all  it  could  be ; they 
thought  they  had  crucified  it,  buried  it  up,  and  rolled 
a stun  ag’inst  it ; but  it  was  mightier  than  death  and 
the  grave,  it  rose  up  triumphant.  And  the  fires  of 
martyrdom  in  which  they  ha^e  tried  to  destroy  it 


456  JOSIAH’S  ADVENTURES  QITTIN’  TOOK.” 


ever  sense,  has  only  burnt  away  the  chaff ; the  pure 
seed  has  remained,  and  the  waves  of  persecution  in 
which  time  and  again  they  have  tried  to  drownd  it, 
has  only  scattered  the  seed  abroad  throughout  the 
world,  wafted  it  to  kinder  shores  : friendlier  soils,  in 
which  it  has  multiplied  and  blossomed  a thousand 
fold  more  gloriously.  And,”  says  I,  the  wave  of 
infidelity  that  is  sweepin’  over  it  now,  will  only  sweep 
away  the  dross,  the  old  dry  chaff  of  dead  creeds,  super- 
stitions, and  bigotry — it  can  no  more  harm  religion 
than  you  can  scatter  dust  on  the  fioor  of  heaven.” 

‘‘Well,”  says  she,  ‘^Sam  Snyder’ses  wife,  she  that 
was  Cassandra  Bean  is  a waitin’  for  me  and  I must 
go.”  She  looked  uneasy,  and  she  told  me  she  would 
see  me  the  next  day,  and  started  off. 

And  I sot  there  and  waited  for  Josiah,  and  when 
he  did  come  1 see  he  was  wore  almost  completely  out, 
and  his  mean  looked  as  bad  as  I ever  see  a mean  look. 
He  didn’t  seem  to  want  to  talk,  but  I would  make 
him  tell  the  particulars,  and  finally  he  up  and  told 
’em.  He  said  he  got  into  the  wrong  buildin’ — one 
that  had  pictures  to  show  off,  but  didn’t  take  ’em. 
But  a clever  lookin’  feller  showed  him  the  way  to  go 
to  be  took,  way  acrost  Agricultural  Avenue,  and  he 
got  into  the  wrong  house  there,  got  into  Judges 
Hall,  right  where  they  was  a judgin’.  He  said  he 
never  felt  so  mortified  in  his  life. 

I should  think  as  much,”  says  I. 

But  he  looked  still  more  deprested,  and  says  he : 


IN  THE  DRESSIN’-ROOM. 


457 


Worse  is  to  come,  Samantha.”  1 see  by  his  looks 
he  had  had  a tegus  time.  I see  he  was  completely 
unstrung,  and  it  was  my  duty  to  try  to  string  him  up 
with  kindness  and  sympathy,  and  so  says  I almost 
tenderly,  Tell  your  pardner  all  about  it  Josiah.” 

I hate  too,”  says  he. 

Says  I firmly,  Josiah,  you 
Well,”  says  he.  I got  into  another  wrong  room, 
where  some  wimmen  was  a kinder  dressin’  ’em.” 
Josiah  Allen  ! ” says  I sternly. 

Well,  who  under  the  sun  would  have  been  a look- 
in’ out  for  any  such  thing.  Who  would  think,”  says 
he  with  a deeply  injured  air,  that  wimmen  would  go 
a prancin’  off  so  fur  from  home  before  they  got  their 
dresses  hooked  up,  or  anything.” 

I knew  there  was  a room  there  a purpose  for  ladies 
to  go  and  fix  up  in,  and  I says  more  mildly — for  his 
mean  most  skairt  me — I persume  there  was  no  harm 
done  Josiah,  only  most  probable  you  skairt  ’em.” 

Skairt  ’em  ! ” says  he.  I should  think  so ; they 
yelled  like  lunys.” 

And  what  did  you  say  ? ” says  L 
I told  ’em,”  says  he,  I wanted  to  be  took.” 

‘‘  And  what  did  they  say  ? ” says  I,  for  he  would  keep 
a stoppin’  in  the  particulars. 

Oh  ! they  yelled  louder  than  ever ; they  seemed 
to  think  I was  crazy,  and  a policeman  come  — ” 

And  what  did  you  tell  him  ? ” says  I. 

‘‘What  could  I tell  him?”  he  snapped  out.  Of 


458 


A PERDICKERMENT. 


course  I told  him  I wanted  to  be  took^  and  he  said  he’d 
take  me,  and  he  did,”  says  Josiah  sadly.  Again  the 
particulars  stopped,  and  again  I urged  him.  And 
says  he  : “ Coinin’  out  of  that  room,  and  down  the 


steps  so  awful  sudden,  got  my  head  kinder  turned 
round,  and  instead  of  goin’  into  the  picture  room,  I 
went  the  wrong  way  and  got  into  the  Japan  house.” 

^^Did  you  make  any  move  towards  gittin’  me  a 
Japaned  dust  pan?”  I interrupted  of  him. 

No,  I didvbt ! I should  think  I see  trouble  enough, 
without  liiggin’  round  dust  pans.  I told  them  I 
wanted  to  be  took,  and  they  didn’t  understand  me, 
and  I come  right  out  and  offered  a boy  I see  there, 
five  cents  to  git  me  headed  right,  and  he  did  it.” 


TAKIN’  THE  PICTURE. 


459 


Josiali  stopped  here,  as  if  he  wasn’t  goin’  to  speak  an- 
other word.  Blit  says  I,  “Josiah  Allen  was  you  took  ? ” 

“ Yes  I was^'  he  snapped  out. 

“ Lemme  see  the  picture,”  says  I firmly. 

He  hung  off,  and  tried  to  talk  with  me  on  religion, 
but  I stood  firm,  and  says  I,  “You  was  a lottin’  on  a 
handsome  picture,  Josiah  Allen.” 

“ Throw  that  in  my  face  will  you,  what  if  I was. 
I’d  like  to  know  if  you  expect  a man  to  have  a hand- 
some dressy  expression,  after  he  has  traipsed  all  over 
Pennsylvany,  and  been  lost,  and  mortified,  and  helped 
round  by  policeman,  and  yelled  at  by  wimmen.  And 
the  man  told  me  after  I sot  down,  to  look  at  a certain 
knot-hole,  and  git  up  a brilliant  happy  expression,  and 
git  inspired  and  animated.  I did  try  to,  but  the  man 
told  me  such  a gloomy  expression  wouldn’t  do  no 
how,  and  says  he,  “ my  kind  friend,  you  must  look 
happier;  think  of  the  beautiful  walk  you  had  a cornin’ 
here  ; think  of  the  happy  scenes  you  passed  through.” 

“ I did  think  of  ’em,”  says  Josiah,  “ and  you  can  see 
^or  yourselves  jsst  how  it  looks.” 

It  truly  went  ahead  of  anything  I ever  see  for 
meachinness,  and  wretchedness.  But  I wouldn’t  say 
a word  to  add  to  his  gloom,  I only  says  in  a warnin’ 
way,  “You  had  better  keep  by  your  pardner  after 
this  Josiah  Allen.”  And  I added  as  I heerd  the  hour 
a strikin’  from  the  great  clock  on  Machinery  Hall, 
“ It  is  time  for  us  to  go  home.”  And  we  went. 


p 


WIDDER  DOODLE  AS  A BRIDE. 


The  next  mornin’  we  went  to  the  grounds  early 
and  walked  along  the  broad,  beautiful  path  (though 
very  warm)  and  anon,  we  see  through  the  tall,  noble 
trees  on  the  nigh  side  of  us,  beautiful  Horticultural 
Hall  a risin’  up  lookin’  considerable  like  some  splen- 
did foreign  pictures  I had  seen  of  Morocco  (not  Mor- 
occo shoes,  but  jography  Morocco) ; and  there  I was 
calmly  walkin’  along  admirin’  the  gorgeous,  and  stately 
but  delicate  and  almost  dream-like  beauty  of  the  struc. 
ture,  when  all  of  a sudden  I see  a peaceable  lookin’ 
old  lady  a cornin’  along  with  her  hair  braided  up  in 
one  long  braid,  and  her  dress  cut  night-gown  fashion  ; 
she  looked  cool  and  comfortable  and  was  mindin’  her 
own  business,  and  carryin’  a umberell ; and  in  her 
other  hand  she  had  some  things  done  up  in  a paper. 
She  was  from  some  of  the  old  countries  I knew  by 
her  dress  and  her  curious  looks — her  eves  bein’  sot  in 

sort  o’  biasin’,  and  her  complexion  was  too  yeller  for 

460 


AMERICAN  POLITENESS. 


461 


health — she  wasn’t  well  ; she  eat  tea-grounds  I knew 
the  minute  I looked  at  her ; nothin’  will  give  the  com- 
plexion that  saffrony  yeller  look  that  tea-grounds  will. 
And  jest  as  she  got  most  up  to  us  three  young  fellers 
begun  to  impose  upon  her.  They  wasn’t  men,  and 
they  wasn’t  childern ; they  was  passiii’  through  the 
land  of  conceitedness,  feeble  whiskers,  and  hair-oil. 

And  there  she  was,  behavin’  herself  like  a perfect 


POLITENESS  TO  A STRANGER. 


lady,  and  them  three  healthy  young  American  fellers 
a laughin’  and  a scorlin’  and  a pokin’  fun  at  her — a 
pin  tin’  at  her  hair  and  her  dress,  and  her  shoes,  which 
was  wooden — but  none  of  their  business  nor  mine  if 
they  was ; finally  one  of  them  took  holt  of  her  long 

braid  and  give  it  a yank,  and  called  her  John”  ; and 
18* 


462. 


WHAT  YOUNG  MEN  SHOULD  LEARN. 


she,  a tryin’  to  save  herself,  dropped  her  paper  and  it 
bust  open  and  all  the  things  in  it  scattered  out  on  the 
ground.  As  she  stooped  down  in  a patient  way  and 
went  to  pickin’  ’em  up,  I jest  advised  them  young 
fellers  for  their  good.  I had  been  told  that  day  that 
the  fureigners  had  most  all  of  ’em  had  to  change  their 
own  costume  for  ourn,  the  Americans  made  such  fun 
of  ’em  ; it  mortified  me  dretful  to  have  my  own  folks 
show  such  awful  bad  manners ; and  says  I : 

I would  be  ashamed  of  myself  if  I was  in  your 
places ; are  you  such  conceited  fools  as  to  think  our 
dress  is  the  dress  of  the  world,  and  our  ways  all  the 
ways  there  is  under  the  sun  ? Although  you  proba- 
ble don’t  know  it,  you  are  only  a very  small  part  of 
the  world — a very  little  and  mean  part.  You  would 
do  well  to  learn  a little  Japan  gentleness,  and  some 
Turkey  politeness,”  and  says  I,  warmly,  as  I looked 
at  their  pert  impudent  faces,  and  then  at  her  patient 
form — “ Poles  could  learn  you  a good  deal,  and  they 
would  to,  if  I had  my  way.”  They  started  off  lookin’ 
kinder  meachin’,  and  I laid  to  and  helped  her  pick  up 
her  things ; and  I told  her  she  must  overlook  it  in 
coots  ; says  I,  most  Americans  would  be  ashamed  of 
them,  as  they  ort  to  be  of  themselves.” 

But  Josiah  hunched  me,  and  whispered  : Be  you 
a goin’  to  stand  all  day  a talkin’  to  that  man  ? ” 
says  I,  in  witherin’  tones. 

Tes,  it  is  a Chinaman,  and  do  come  along.” 

Says  I,  Josiah  Allen,  it  is  a pity  if  I can’t  have 


HORTICULTURAL  HALL. 


463 


the  privilege  of  speakin’  to  a likely  woman,  afflicted 
with  ganders,  without  your  up  and  callin’  her  a man.” 

He  argued  back  that  it  was  a man,  but  I wouldn’t 
multiply  any  more  words  with  him,  and  we  went  on 
by  the  broad  lawn,  or  so  they  called  it — though  I told 
Josiah  it  looked  more  like  velvet  than  it  did  like  any 
lawn  I ever  see.  It  looked  jest  like  the  green  velvet 
I had  a bunnet  made  out  of  when  I was  a girl ; fresh, 
and  green,  and  soft,  and  bright.  And  there  was  hun- 
dreds of  the  most  gorgeous  and  brilliant  flower  beds 
scattered  over  it,  and  ornamental  vases  runnin’  over 
with  vines  and  flowers,  and  evergreens  of  all  sorts ; 
but  I can’t  describe  it  and  wont  try. 

I said  before,  that  Horticultural  Hall  was  dream- 
like in  its  beauty,  but  as  I got  nearer  to  it  I see 
my  mistake;  it  was  fur  handsomer.  I couldn’t  have 
drempt  out  such  a exquisitely  lovely  buildin’  if  I 
had  gone  to  sleep  a purpose  ; and  so  1 told  J osiah,  as 
we  went  up  the  broad  blue  marble  steps,  past  great 
century  plants  and  oranges  with  oranges  on  ’em,  up 
into  a lofty  place  fllled  with  folks,  and  flights  of  the 
most  elegant  steps  on  each  side,  and  tall  pillows 
standin’  up  at  the  foot  of  ’em,  with  clusters  of  lamps 
on  top,  and  folks  a goin’  up  and  down  on  ’em — the 
stairs  I mean.  Goin’  right  in  out  of  the  blazin’  sun- 
shine, it  seemed  to  me  as  if  I never  did  see  coolness  so 
cool,  and  greenness  so  green,  and  shade  so  uncommon 
shady  before.  Never  did  I see  such  noble  and  almost 
foamin’  lookin’  green  leaves  of  all  kinds  and  shapes, 


464 


“ I TOO  AM  A WOMAN.” 


from  the  size  of  a puslj  leaf,  to  them  big  enough  to 
make  my  Josiah  a pair  of  pantaloons  and  a overcoat. 

The  floor  was  sort  o’  openwork,  with  plain  stripes 
runnin’  down  through  it,  sunthin’  as  I knit  stockins 
when  I want  ’em  to  look  uncommon  well.  But  oh  ! 
how  lovely  it  did  look  tome,  as  I glanced  down  as  fur 
as  I could  see  ahead  of  me,  to  see  clear  from  the  floor 
to  away  up  overhead,  the  beautiful  green  branches  a 
spreadin’  out,  and  the  lovely  poseys,  and  over  ’em  and 
amongst  ’em  great  bunches  of  lamps  a hangin’  that 
looked  like  drops  of  light  as  the  sun  shone  through 
’em,  and  stars  and  ornaments  of  all  kinds,  a glistenin’ 
up  there  on  the  lofty  ceilin’ ; and  down  below  there 
was  white  marble  statutes  a gleamin’  and  fountains  a 
giishin’  out. 

There  was  one  fountain  that  I took  to  dretfully.  A 
noble  big  vase  bound  with  acanthus  leaves,  was  a shoot- 
in’  up  water,  clear  as  a crystal,  and  at  the  foot  of  it 
on  some  rock  work,  sot  three  handsome  childern  jest 
ready  to  plunge  down  into  the  cool,  wet  water ; one 
of  ’em  was  blowin’  a shell,  he  felt  so  awful  neat. 
There  was  lots  of  fountains  in  the  Hall  but  none  so 
uncommon  handsome  as  this;  and  that  noble  fountain 
was  the  work  of  a woman ; and  as  I looked  at  it,  1 
thought  I should  be  proud  and  happy  to  take  her  by 
the  hand  and  say : 

Miss  Foley,  I too  am  a woman,  I am  proud  to 
sympathize  with  you.” 

A good  lookin’  woman,  dressed  up  slick,  with  a little 


PHANTOMS  AND  GHOSTS. 


465 


book  and  pencil  in  her  hand  spoke  up  and  says  to  me : 

It  is  wonderful,  haint  it  ? ’’ 

Says  I,  Wonderful  haint  no  name  for  it.” 

‘‘  That’s  so  says  she,  and  added,  have  you  seen 
the  phantom  leave  ?”  or  sunthin’  like  that. 

Says  I,  firmly,  There  haint  been  no  phantom  here 
appearin’  to  me,  and  how  could  I see  it  leave  ? ” Then 
thinkin’  of  my  vow,  and  likin’  her  looks  first-rate,  I 
says  in  a encouragin’  tone,  There  has  somebody  been 
a tryin’  to  fool  you  mom,  there  haint  no  such  things 
as  ghosts  and  phantom’ses.  Ghosts  and  phantoms  are 
made  of  moonshine,  and  fear  and  fancy  are  the  mak- 
ers of  ’em.” 

She  took  up  her  parasol — a pale  blue  one  all  cov- 
ered with  white  lace — and  pinted  right  up  at  a glass 
case,  and  says  she : 

Phantom  leaves  I mean,  you  can  see  them.” 

Oh !”  says  I,  I thought  you  meant  a ghost.” 
They  was  handsome ; looked  as  white  and  delicate  as 
the  frost-work  on  our  winders  in  December. 

It  wasn’t  probable  more’n  half  an  hour  after  this 
that  my  pride  had  a fall.  Truly,  when  we  seem  to 
be  a standin’  up  the  straightest,  tottlin’  may  come 
onto  us,  and  sudden  crumplin’  of  the  spiritual  knees. 
There  I had  been  a boastin’  in  my  proud  philosophical 
spirit  that  there  was  no  such  things  as  phantoms,  and 
lo,  and  behold ! within  thirty-one  minutes  time,  I 
thought  I see  a ghost  appearin’  to  me ; I was  skairt, 
and  awe-stricken.  The  way  on’t  was,  Josiah  beset 


466 


AN  APPARIENT  APPARITION. 


me  to  go  into  some  of  the  different  hot-houses  in  the 
buildiid,  and  I had  told  him  firmly,  that  bein’  very 
fleshy  and  warm-blooded,  I was  satisfied  and  more’n 
satisfled  with  the  heat  of  the  place  I was  in ; but  if  he 
wasn’t — bein’  thinner  in  flesh,  if  he  felt  chilly,  he 
could  go  and  I would  meet  him  in  a certain  place.  So 
he  went  on,  and  I meandered  back  into  the  Main 
Hall.  And  there  I stood  a lookin’  peacefully  up  into 
the  boughs  of  a In  jy  Rubber  tree,  and  thinkin’  pen- 
sively to  myself  what  fools  anybody  was  to  think  that 
rubber-boots  and  shoes  grew  right  out  of  the  tree,  for 
they  didn’t — no  such  thing  ; they  had  green  leaves  like 
any  tree — when  all  of  a sudden  I heerd  these  words : 

Oh  Doodle  ! Doodle  ! if  you  was  alive,  I shouldn’t 
be  in  this  perdickerment !” 

If  I had  had  some  hen’s  feathers  by  me,  I should 
have  burnt  a few,  or  if  I had  had  a tea-cup  of  water  I 
should  have  throwed  some  in  my  face,  to  keep  me 
from  faintin’  away.  But  not  havin’  none  of  these 
conveniences  by  me,  I see  I must  make  a powerful 
effort,  and  try  to  control  myself  down ; and  jest  as  I 
was  a makin’  this  effort,  these  words  come  again  to 
my  almost  rigid  ear : 

Oh  Doodle  ! Doodle ! you  never  would  have  stood 
by,  and  seen  your  relict  smashed  to  pieces  right  before 
your  dear  Hnement.” 

And  as  I heerd  these  words  I see  her  appearin’  to 
me.  I see  the  Widder  Doodle,  emergin’  from  the 
crushin’  crowd,  and  advancin’  onto  me  like  a phantom. 


WIDDER  DOODLE  AS  A BRIDE. 


467 


Says  I to  myself,  Be  you  a ghost  or  be  you  a phan- 
tom ? Are  you  a fore-runner,  "Widder  ? ” says  I, 
‘‘  you  be  a fore-runner,  I know  you  be,”  for  even  as 
I looked  I see  behind  her  the  form  of  Solomon  Cy- 
pher advancin’  slowly  on,  and  appearin’  to  me  too.  I 


THE  PHANTOM. 


felt  fearfully  curious.  But  in  about  three-fourths  of 
a minute  my  senses  come  back — for  the  big  wave  of 
folks  sort  o’  swept  off  somewhere  else,  and  left  the 
Widder  Doodle  some  like  a sea-weed  nigh  me.  And 
on  lookin’  closer  at  her  I see  that  no  respectable  ghost 
who  thought  anything  of  itself,  would  go  out  in  com- 
pany lookin’  so  like  furyation — I felt  better,  and  says  I : 

Widder  Doodle,  how  under  the  sun  did  you  come 
here  to  the  Sentinal  ? ” 


468 


WHY  THE  WIDDER  GOT  MARRIED. 


Says  she,  Samantha/I  am  married;  I am  on  my 
tower.” 

Says  I in  faint  axents,  Who  to  ? ” 

Solomon  Cypher,”  says  she. 

Again  I thought  almost  wildly  of  burnt  feathers, 
for  it  seemed  so  fearfully  curious  to  think  she  should 
be  a double  and  twisted  ort,  as  you  may  say;  should 
be  a ort  by  name,  after  bein’  one  by  nater  all  her 
days.  But  again  the  thought  conie  to  me,  that  I had 
no  conveniences  for  faintin’  away,  and  I must  be 
calm,  so  says  I,  ‘^Married  to  Solomon  Cypher!” 

And  then  it  all  come  back  to  me — their  talk  the 
day  he  come  to  borry  my  clothes  for  the  mourners ; 
her  visits  to  his  housekeeper  sense ; and  his  strange 
and  almost  foolish  errants  to  our  house  from  day  to 
day  ; but  I didn’t  speak  my  thoughts,  I only  said : 

Widder  Doodle,  what  ever  put  it  into  your  head 
to  marry  again  ? ” 

Well,  she  said  she  had  kinder  got  into  the  habit  of 
marryin’,  and  it  seemed  some  like  a second  nater  to 
her — and  she  thought  Solomon  had  some  of  Doodle’ses 
linement — so  she  thought  she  would  marry  him.  She 
said  he  offered  himself  in  a dretful  handsome  style ; 
she  said  the  childern  of  the  Abbey,  or  Thadeus  of 
Warsaw  couldn’t  done  it  up  in  any  more  foamin’ 
and  romantic  way ; she  said  he  was  a bringin’  her 
home  in  his  wagon  from  a visit  I remembered  her 
makin’  to  his  housekeeper. 

Three  weeks  after  his  wife’s  death ! ” says  1. 


HOW  SOLOMON  PROPOSED. 


469 


Yes/’  says  she,  Solomon  said  the  corpse  wouldn’t 
be  no  deader  ^than  she  was  then,  if  he  waited  three 
months,  as  some  men  did.”  Says  she,  The  way  on’t 
was,  I was  a praisin’  up  his  horse  and  wagon — a new 
double  wagon  with  a spring  seat— when  all  of  a suddeu 
he  spoke  out  in  a real  ardent  and  lover  like  tone : 
^ Widder  Doodle,  if  you  will  be  my  bride,  the  wagon 
is  yourn,  and  the  mares.’  Says  he,  ^ Widder,  I throw 
myself  onto  your  feet,  and  I throw  the  wagon  and 
mares  onto  ’em;  and  with  them  and  me,  I throw 
eighty-five  acres  of  good  land,  fourteen  cows,  five 
calves,  four  three  year  olds  and  a yearlin’,  a dwellin^ 
house,  a good  horse  barn,  and  myself.  I throw  ’em 
all  onto  your  feet,  and  there  we  lay  on  ’em.’ 

‘‘He  waited  for  me  to  answer  and  it  fiustrated  me  so 
that  T says  : ‘ Oh  Doodle  ! Doodle ! if  you  was  alive 
you  would  tell  me  what  to  do,  to  do  right.’”  “And 
that,”  says  she,  “ seemed  to  mad  him  ; he  looked  black 
and  hard  as  a stove  pipe,  his  forward  all  wrinkled  up, 
and  he  yelled  out  that  he  didn’t  want  to  hear  nothin’ 
about  no  Doodle  nor  he  wouldn’t  neither.”  Says  she 
“ He  hollered  it  up  so,  and  looked  so  threatnin’  that  I 
Took  out  my  snuff  handkerchief  and  cried  onto  it,  and 
he  said  he’d  overlook  Doodle  for  once,  and  then  he 
said  again  in  a kind  of  a solemn  and  warnin’  way : 
‘ Widder  I am  a layin’  on  your  feet,  and  my  property, 
my  land,  my  live  stock,  my  housen,  and  my  housen 
stuff,  are  all  a layin’  on  ’em  ; make  up  your  mind,  and 
at  once,  for  if  you  don’t  consent  I have  got  other 


470 


THE  BRIDE  UNHAPPY. 


views  ahead  on  me,  which  must  be  seen  to  at  once, 
and  instantly.  Time  is  hastenin’,  and  the  world  is 
full  of  willin’  wimmen,  Widder,  what  do  you  say.?’ 

And  then,”  says  she,  I kinder  consented,  and  he 
said  we’d  be  married  and  he’d  turn  off  his  hired  girl, 
and  I could  go  right  there  and  do  the  house-work, 
and  help  him  what  I could  out  doors,  and  tend  to  the 
milk  of  fourteen  cows,  and  be  perfectly  happy.  He 
thought,”  says  she,  as  he  was  hurried  with  his  sum- 
mer’s work,  we  had  better  be  married  on  Sunday,  so’s 
not  to  break  into  the  week’s  work ; so  we  was.” 

Says  I,  ^^Be  you  perfectly  happy,  Widder?  ” 

Wlien  I asked  her  this  in  sympathizin  tones,  she 
took  her  snuff  handkerchief  right  out,  and  bust  out  a 
cryin’  onto  it,  and  said  she  wasn’t. 

^^Does  Solomon  misuse  you?  Does  he  make  you 
work  too  hard  ? ” 

Yes,”  says  she,  I have  to  work  hard,  but  that 
haint  my  worse  trouble.”  And  she  sithed  bitterly. 

‘^Does  he  act  hauty  and  domineerin’  and  look 
down  on  you,  as  if  you  wasn’t  his  equal  ? ” 

‘‘Yes,”  says  she,  “but  I expected  that,  I could 
stand  that  if  I didn’t  have  no  harder  affliction.” 

Is  he  a poor  provider,  does  he  begreech  you  things  ? ” 
Says  she,  “ He  is  a poor  provider,  and  he  begreeches 
things  to  me,  but  that  haint  my  worse  trial ; he  wont 
let  me  talk  about  Doodle.  And  what  is  life  worth  to 
me  if  I can’t  speak  of  that  dear  man  ? ” Says  she,  “ I 
can’t  never  forget  that  dear  Doodle,  never ! ” 


BRIDE  AND  WIDDER. 


471 


Well/’  sajs  I,  You  ort  to  liave  thought  of  that 
before  you  promised  Solomon  Cypher  his  bride  you 
would  be;”  says  I,  ‘^mournin’  for  Doodle  was  jest 
as  honorable  as  anything  could  be ; I never  blamed 
you  for  it,  I stood  firm.  But  a wmman  hadn’t  ort  to 
try  to  be  a mourner  for  one  man,  and  a bride  to 
another  man  at  the  same  time ; it  haint  reasonable ; 
let  ’em  be  fully  perswaded  in  their  own  mind  which 
business  would  be  the  most  happyfyin’  and  profitable 
to  ’em,  and  then  go  at  it  with  a willin’  heart,  and 
foller  it  up.” 

Says  I,  If  you  wanted  to  spend  your  days  as  a 
mourner  you  ort  to  have  done  it  as  a Widder,  and 
not  as  a bride.”  Says  I,  When  a Widder  woman  or 
a Widder  man  embarks  in  a new  sea  of  matrimony, 
they  ort  to  burn  the  ship  behind  ’em  that  they  sailed 
round  with  in  them  other  waters.  They  hadn’t  ort 
to  be  a sailin’  round  in  both  of  ’em  to  once,  it  is 
unreasonable ; and  it  is  gaulin’  to  man  or  woman.” 

On  lookin’  at  her  closer  1 see  what  made  her  look 
so  curious.  She  had  tried  to  dress  sort  a bridey,  and 
at  the  same  time  was  a mournin’  a little  for  Doodle; 
she  said  she  wouldn’t  have  Solomon  know  it,  and  git 
to  rarin’  round  for  nothin’  in  the  world  ; she  put  on 
the  white  bobinet  lace  veil  to  please  him,  but  says 
she,  though  he  don’t  mistrust  it,  my  black  bead  col- 
lar and  jest  half  of  my  weddin’  dress  means  Doodle.” 
It  was  a black  and  white  lawn,  with  big  even  checks ; 
and  she  told  me  (in  strict  confidence)  that  she  had 


‘472  the  “CREATION  SEARCHERS’^  ARRIVE. 


got  a black  bombazine  pocket  to  her  dress^  and  had  on 
a new  pair  of  black  elastic  garters.  Says  she,  I can’t 
forget  Doodle,  I never  can  forget  that  dear  man.” 

And  she  wont ; I know  she  never  will  git  over 
Doodle  in  the  world.  Everything  we  see  put  her  in 
mind  of  him.  But  about,  this  time  Josiah  and  Solo- 
mon Cypher  joined  us,  and  the  last  named  told  us 
that  the  '^^Creation  Searchers”  had  all  come  on  the  day 
before,  and  was  makin’  a great  stir  in  the  village, 
the  literary  and  scientific  world.  And  he  said  that  as 
little  a while  as  they  had  been  here,  they  had  found 
fault  with  a great  many  things,  pictures  and  statutes 
and  the  like ; he  said  anybody  had  got  to  find  fault 
and  not  seem  to  be  satisfied  with  anything,  in  order  to 
be  looked  up  to.  He  said  it  was  a trade  that,  well  fol- 
lered  up,  give  anybody  a great  reputation. 

^^Yes,”  says  Josiah,  I know  lots  of  folks  that 
have  got  monstrous  big  reputations  for  wisdom  in  jest 
that  way.” 

But  I was  sick  of  this  talk  and  was  glad  enough 
when  they  sot  off  for  somewhere  else.  But  his  last 
words  to  me  was: 

‘^Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  we  shall  probable  be  heerd 
from  before  we  leave  the  village.” 

Well,”  says  I,  I am  willin’ ; ” and  I was.  It  never 
worries  me  to  see  anybody  git  up  in  the  world ; I haint 
got  a envious  hair  in  my  head — and  I have  got  a noble 
head  of  hair  for  one  of  my  age. 


THE  ARTEMUS  GALLERY. 


The  next  mornin’  we  went  onto  the  ground.  (Mr. 

Fairmount’s  farm,  where  the  Sentinal  stands)  in 
good  season.  I told  Josiah  we  would  go  the  first  thing 
to  the  Artemus  Gallery. 

‘‘  Artemus  who  ! ’’  says  he.  ‘‘  1 didn’t  know  as  you 
knew  any  Artemus  down  here.” 

Says  I with  dignity,  I don’t  know  the  gentleman’s 
other  name  myself ; they  call  him  Art,  but/ wont ; I 
have  too  much  respect  for  him  to  nick  name  that 
noble  man.”  Says  I,  When  any  man  takes  such  pains 
as  Artemus  has,  to  git  such  a splendid  assortment  of 
pictures  and  statutes  together  for  my  pleasure,  and  the 
pleasure  of  the  Nation,  I admire  and  respect  him,  and 
feel  almost  affectionate  towards  him.” 

Presently,  or  soon  after,  the  soft  grey  walls  of  that 
most  magestic,  and  beautifulest  of  housen,  loomed  up 
before  us  as  we  passed  up  into  it  by  some  broad  noble 
steps  with  a bronze  horse  on  each  side — lookin’  con- 
siderable in  the  face  like  our  old  mare — only  higher 

473 


474 


IN  THE  ARTEMUS  GALLERY. 


headed  with  wings  to  ’em.  I told  Josiah  that  if  she 
(the  mare)  was  fixed  off  like  them  with  wings,  we 
shouldn’t  be  all  day  a goin’  a mile  or  two.”  And  he 
said,  after  lookin’  close  and  thoughtfully  at  the  span, 
that  he  couldn’t  take  a mite  of  comfort  a ridin’  after 
’em,  they  looked  so  curious.  So  we  went  on,  by  them 
and  two  as  big  female  statutes  as  I most  ever  see, 
with  their  minds  seeminly  rousted  up  and  excited 
about  sunthin’.  But  we  hadn’t  much  more’n  got  in- 
side the  door,  when  we  felt  curious  again,  both  on  us, 
a seein’  George  Washington  a ridin’  up  to  heaven 
on  the  back  of  a eagle.  George  always  looks  good  to 
me,  but  I never  see  him  look  heavier  than  he  did 
there ; he  would  have  been  a good  load  for  a elephant. 
Oh  what  a time  that  eagle  was  a havin’ ! I never  was 
sorrier  for  a fowl  in  my  hull  life. 

But  oh  ! what  lovely  forms  and  faces  was  round  me 
on  every  side,  as  I moved  on.  Grace,  and  beauty, 
and  sublimity,  and  tenderness,  and  softness  all  carved 
out  of  hard  stun  marble  for  my  delight ; all  painted  out 
on  canvas  and  hung  up  for  me  to  smile  upon  and  weep 
over — fm-  beauty  always  affects  me  dretfiilly.  One 
little  piece  of  beauty  that  I could  take  up  in  my  hand, 
such  as  a bit  of  moss,  or  a sea  shell,  or  a posey,  has 
made  me  happy  for  over  half  a day.  A pussy  willow 
bendin’  down  to  see  its  face  in  the  water,  has  refiected 
its  grace  and  pretty  looks  right  into  my  soul.  Why 
even  a green  grass  blade  in  the  spring  of  the  year  has 
had  power  to  cut  the  chains  that  bound  my  spirit 


MILES  OF  BEAUTY. 


475 


down  to  unhappiness,  and  let  it  soar  up  nobly,  clear 
away  from  Jonesville,  Betsey  Bobbet,  Widder  Doodle, 
and  all  other  cares  and  worryinents  of  life.  And 
havin’  such  feelins  for  beauty,  such  a close  affection 
for  her  that  I was  always  a lookin’  for  her,  even  where 
I knew  she  wasn’t  nor  never  would  be  ; jest  imagine 
what  my  emotions  must  have  been  to  walk  right  into 
acres  and  acres  of  the  most  entrancin’  beauty  ; miles 
and  miles  of  grace  and  loveliness  ; dreams  of  immortal 
beauty  caught  by  artist  souls  from  heaven  knows 
what  realm  of  wonder  and  glory,  all  wrought  out  in 
marble,  and  painted  on  canvas  for  me  to  wonder  at, 
and  admire  over,  and  almost  weep  upon. 

The  tears  did  run  down  my  face  every  few  minutes 
all  through  that  Artemus  Gallery,  entirely  unbeknown 
to  me ; and  I shouldn’t  have  sensed  it  at  all  if  I had 
cried  out  loud,  for  I w^as  perfectly  carried  away  from 
myself  for  the  time  bein’. 

Oh  what  beautiful  little  white  stun  childern  there 
was  before  me,  in  every  beautiful  posture  that  child- 
ern ever  got  into — a laughin’  and  a cryin’,  and  a 
feedin’  birds,  and  a pickin’  thorns  out  of  their  feet 
and  a hidin’  and  a seekin’.  And  one  little  bit  of  a 
girl  baby  w^as  boldin’  a bird  in  her  hand,  and  she  had 
bared  her  little  chest  on  one  side  and  w^as  squeezin’ 
up  the  flesh  to  form  a breast,  and  holdin’  up  the  bird 
to  nurse.  The  roguish  looks  of  her  face  would  almost 
make  a grindstun  or  Zebulin  Coffin  smile.  And  there 
was  one  gittin’  ready  for  bed,  and  one  tellin’  his  prayers 


476 


BEAUTIFUL  FORMS  AND  FACES. 


when  he  didn’t  want  to.  He  looked  exactly  as 
Thomas  J.  did  when  I married  his  pa.  He  had  run 
wild,  and  wouldn’t  pray;  I’d  git  him  all  knelt  down, 
and  he’d  say  : 

I wont  lay  me  down  to  sleep, 

I wont  pray  the  Lord  my  soul  to  keep, 

I wont  die  before  I wake, 

I wont  pray  the  Lord  my  soul  to  take. 

And  when  he’d  say  the  Lord’s  prayer,  he’d  say : 

Lead  us  into  Temptation,”  jest  as  loud  as  he  could 
yell,  and  cross  as  a bear.  Jest  as  quick  as  I got  him 
civilized  down,  he’d  tell  ’em  off  like  a little  pasture. 
But  oh!  how  cross  and  surly  he  did  look  at  first, 
jest  for  all  the  world,  like  this  little  feller.  I hunched 
Josiah  to  take ‘notice,  and  he  said  if  Thomas  J.  had 
been  sculped  in  the  act,  it  couldn’t  look  more  natteral. 

And  there  was  such  lovely  female  wiminen  faces,  in- 
nocent as  angels — one  with  a veil  over  her  face ; only 
think  on  it,  a marble  veil,  and  I a seein’  right  through  it. 

But  there  was  some  Italian  statutes  that  instinctively 
I got  between  and  Josiah,  and  put  my  fan  up,  for  I felt 
that  he  hadn’t  ort  to  see  ’em.  Some  of  the  time  I 
felt  that  he  was  too  good  to  look  at  ’em,  and  some  of 
the  time  I felt  that  he  wasn’t  good  enough;  for  I 
well  knew  when  I come  to  think  it  over,  that  human 
nater  wasn’t  what  it  once  was,  in  Eden,  and  it  wasn’t 
innocence,  but  lack  of  innocence  that  ailed  folks. 
But  whether  he  was  too  good,  or  not  good  enough, 
and  I couldn’t  for  my  life  tell  which ; either  way  I 


SAMANTHA  IN  THE  ART  GALLERY. 


FAMOUS  STATUTES. 


479 


felt  it  wasn’t  no  place  for  him ; so  I hurried  him 
through  on  a pretty  good  jog. 

And  among  the  statutes  of  my  own  Nation,  was 
Aurora ; it  seems  as  if  it  struck  me  about  as  hard  a 
blow  as  any  of  ’em.  To  see  that  beautiful  figger  of 
Momin’  risin’  right  up  sailin’  over  the  earth  with  her 
feet  on  nothin’ ; her  arms  over  her  head  scatterin’  the 
brightness  of  day  down  in  roses  upon  the  earth, 
and  the  stars  and  the  shadders  of  night  a failin’  away 
from  her ; it  was  as  beautiful  a marble  thought,  as  I 
ever  laid  eyes  on — or  I’d  think  so  till  I see  some 
other  one,  and  then  I’d  think  that  was  the  beauti' 
fulest.  There  was  Nydia  the  blind  girl  of  Pompeii ! 
What  pain  and  helplessness  was  on  her  face,  and  what 
a divine  patience  born  of  sufferin’.  What  a counte- 
nance that  was ! And  then  there  was  two  little  Water 
Babies  layin’  in  a sea  shell — I don’t  believe  there  was 
ever  any  cunniner  little  creeters  in  the  hull  world. 

And  havin’  such  feelins  for  her,  feelin’  so  sort  o’ 
intimate  with  her  and  Hamlet,  it  was  very  affectin’ 
to  me  to  see  Ophelia,  a lookin’  jest  as  I have  heerd 
Thomas  J.  read  about  her.  She  was  standin’  holdin’ 
some  flowers  in  her  dress  with  one  hand,  and  with 
the  other  hand  she  was  holdin’  out  a posey  jest  as  if 
she  was  a sayin’ : 

“ There’s  rosemary,  that’s  for  rememberance  ; pray 
you  love  remember,  and  there’s  pansies  that’s  for 
thoughts.”  She  was  dressed  up  in  store  clothes  too, 

which  was  indeed  a treat,  and  a sweeter  face  I don’t 
19 


480 


WIMMEN  AS  AKTISTS. 


want  to  Bee.  .A.nd  then  there  was  a noble  group — 
Death  a trjin’  to  kill  Honor,  and  couldn’t.  Strength 
and  Courage  and  Perseverance  had  gone  down  before 
him,  but  Honor  he  couldn’t  kill;  it  was  a very  noble 
and  inspirin’  sight.  And  Media  was  another  dretful 
affectin’  statute  to  me;  what  trials  and  tribulations 
that  woman  did  go  through,  killin’  her  childem,  and 
ridin’  after  serpents,  and  everything.  I was  some 
acquainted  with  her  (through  Thomas  Jefferson.) 

And  then  there  was  Night  and  Mornin’ ; I never  see 
’em  look  better  in  my  life,  either  of  ’em.  And  Euth 
a gleanin’ ; she  was  a kneelin’  down  on  one  knee,  and 
looked  first-rate,  though  I did  think  it  would  have 
been  better  if  she  had  pulled  her  dress  waist  up 
where  it  belonged.  Howsumever,  everybody  to  their 
own  mind.  There  was  two  statutes  of  Cleopatra, 
pretty  nigh  together,  one  by  a man,  and  one  by  a 
woman.  Mebby  you’ll  think  I am  parshal  to  my  sect, 
but  if  I wasn’t  a woman — if  I was  a man — I’d  say  and 
I’d  contend  for  it  that  her  Cleopatra  looked  fur  hand- 
somer and  better  than  hisen.  And  there  was  a minute 
man,  that  looked  stern  and  noble,  and  as  if  he  would 
be  right  there  jest  to  the  minute. 

But  what’s  the  use  of  try  in’  to  tell  what  pictures 
was  the  loveliest,  amidst  such  acres  and  acres  of  love- 
liness, such  sweet  and  nearly  bewitchin’  faces,  such 
lovely  and  almost  glowin’  landscapes. 

There  was  “ Yankey  Doodle”  as  interestin’  as  I al- 
ways knew  that  yankey  was ; I never  see  him  look 


THE  DEAD  AND  THE  DUMB. 


481 


better  than  lie  did  here  ; there  stood  three  generations 
with  the  soul  of  1776  a shinin’  through  their  faces, 
and  the  oldest  face  of  all  was  lit  up  with  the  deepest 
glow  and  inspiration.  It  was  a dretful  animatin’  and 
inspirin’  picture  to  me  and  to  Josiah.  And  tlien 
there  was  another  picture  called  Elaine”  that  dealt 
both  my  mind  and  my  heart  fearful  blows.  I had 
heerd  Thomas  J.  read  about  her  so  much  that  she 
seemed  almost  like  one  of  the  relations  on  the  side  of 
the  Smiths.  She  was  a handsome  girl,  and  likely  as 
she  could  be,  but  she  got  disappointed,  fell  in  love  with 
Mr.  Launcelot — and  he,  bein’  in  love  with  another 
man’s  wife,  couldn’t  take  to  her,  so  she  died  off.  But 
her  last  request  was  to  be  laid,  after  she  died,  in  a 
boat  with  a letter  in  her  hand  for  him  she  died  off  for, 
biddin’  him  good-bye ; and  that  the  boat — steered  by 
her  father’s  dumb  hired  man — should  float  off  down  to 
Camelot  where  he  was  a stayin’  a visitin’.  (I  don’t 
s’pose  I have  told  it  in  jest  exactly  the  words,  Thomas 
J.  reads  so  much,  but  I have  probable  got  the  heads 
of  the  story  right).  And  there  she  lay,  perfectly 
lovely — in  her  right  hand,  the  lily,  and  in  her  left  the 
letter;  the  dead  steered  by  the  dumb,  floatin’  down  the 
still  waters.  It  was  exceedinly  affectin’  to  me,  and 
I was  jest  a goin’  to  take  out  my  white  cotton  hand- 
kerchief to  cry  onto  it,  when  all  of  a sudden  I heerd 
behind  me  the  voice  of  the  Editor  of  the  Auger  a say  in’: 

It  is  a false  perspective.” 

Yes,”  says  Cornelius  Cork,  in  the  same  fault-find- 


482  CRITICISMS  OF  THE  CREATION  SEARCHERS.” 


in’  tone  : it’s  awful  false,  not  a mite  of  truth  in  it.” 

A perfect  lie,”  says  Shakespeare  Bobbet. 

The  tone  is  too  low  down,”  says  the  Editor  of  the 
Auger  again,  in  a complainin’  way. 

Low  down  again  as  it  ort  to  be, ’’says  old  Bobbet. 

I declare  for’t,  I jest  locked  arms  with  Josiah  and 
hurried  him  off,  and  never  stopped  till  we  got  clear 
into  Austria.  But  on  the  way  there,  I says,  “ How 
mad  it  makes  me,  Josiah  Allen,  to  see  anybody  find 
fault  and  sneer  at  things  they  can’t  understand.” 

^^Well,”  says  Josiah  mildly,  ^^you  know  they  have 
got  a reputation  to  keep  up,  and  they  are  bound  to  do 
it.  Why,  they  say  if  anybody  haint  dressed  up  a 
mite,  if  you  see  ’em  a lookin’  at  handsome  pictures, 
or  statutes,  or  anything  of  that  sort,  with  a cold  and 
wooden  look  to  their  faces,  and  turning  their  noses  up, 
and  finding  fault,  you  may  know  they  are  somebody. 

I s’pose”  says  Josiah,  ^‘the  ^Creation  Searchers’ 
can’t  be  out-done  in  it ; I s’pose  they  put  on  as 
hauty  and  superior-silly-ous  looks  as  anybody  ever 
did,  that  haint  had  no  more  practice  than  they  have.” 

Josiah  will  make  a slip  sometimes,  and  says  I,  ^^you 
mean  super-silly,  Josiah.” 

‘‘  Well,  I knew  there  was  a silly  to  it.  They  say,” 
says  Josiah,  ‘‘  that  runnin’  things  down  is  always  safe  ; 
that  never  hurts  anybody’s  reputation.  The  pint  is, 
they  say,  in  not  bein’  pleased  with  anything,  or  if  you 
be,  to  conceal  it,  look  perfectly  wooden,  and  not 
show  your  feelins  a mite  ; that  is  the  pint  they  say.” 


SPLENDID  PAINTINS. 


483 


Says  I,  The  pint  is,  some  folks  always  did  make 
natteral  fools  of  themselves,  and  always  will  I s’pose.” 

^^Well,”  says  Josiah,  there  must  sunthirC  in 
it,  Samantha,  or  there  wouldn’t  be  such  a lot  a gittin’ 
up  a reputation  for  wisdom  in  that  way.” 

I couldn’t  deny  it  without  lyin’,  and  so  bein’  in 
Austria,  as  I said,  I commenced  lookin’  round  me. 
Comfn’  right  out  of  the  United  States  I couldn’t  help 
thinkin’  that  Austria  had  a meller,  rich  look,  sun- 
thin’  like  Autumn  in  the  fall  of  the  year,  while  the 
United  States  looked  considerable  like  Summer.  The 
picture  that  arrested  my  attention  first  and  foremost 
in  Austria  was,  “ Venice  paying  homage  to  Caterina 
Cornaro.”  It  was  a noble  big  picture,  as  big  as  one 
hull  side  of  our  house  a most.  I looked  at  that  pic- 
ture very  admirinly  and  so  did  Josiah.  We  see  a 
Emperor  on  a bust,  and  other  interestin’  statutes  ; we 
give  a glance  at  a sleepin’  Nymph — she  was  as  hand- 
some as  a doll,  but  I thought  then  and  I think  still, 
that  if  Nymphs  would  put  on  store  clothes,  they  would 
look  better,  and  feel  as  well  again. 

‘‘Convulsed  with  Grief,”  was  a beautiful  picture  but 
fur  too  afiectin’  for  my  comfort.  It  was  a bier  all 
covered  with  flowers,  and  a dead  child  lyin’  on  it 
with  a veil  thrown  over  its  face,  but  painted  in  such 
a way  that  the  beautiful  white  face  was  plain  to  be 
seen  under  it ; and  the  mother  was  settin’  by  it  with 
grief,  and  agony,  all  painted  out  on  her  face.  And  as  I 
looked  on  her,  the  tears  jest  started  on  a run  down 


484 


JOSIAH  SEES  THE  ALPS. 


my  cheeks,  for  though  I well  knew  it  was  one  of  the 
sweetest  and  holiest  things  in  life  to  become  the  mother 
of  a baby  angel,  still  I knew  it  was  one  of  the  sad- 
dest things  too.  I knew  that  mother  heart  where  the 
pretty  head  had  lain,  was  as  empty  and  lonesome  as 
a bird’s  nest  in  winter ; and  the  shadder  of  the  little 
low  grave  would  be  high  enough  to  cast  its  blackness 
and  gloom  over  the  hull  earth.  I felt  for  that  mother 
so  that  I come  pretty  near  cryin’  out  loud.  But  I 
didn’t ; I took  out  my  white  cotton  handkerchief  and 
wiped  both  of  my  eyes,  and  composed  myself  down. 

And  then  feelin’  a little  tired  I seated  myself  on 
a bench  in  the  middle  of  the  room,  Josiah  sayin’ 
that  he  wanted  to  look  at  the  Alps,  and  one  or  two 
convents,  and  a Bull  Dog.”  But  I watched  him 
out  of  one  corner  of  my  speck,  and  I see  that  he  never 
went  nigh  ’em,  but  kep’  a lookin’  at  a Centeur  carry- 
in’  off  a Nymph”  and  a Siesta  of  a Oriental  Wo- 
man” and  a Nun’s  Revery,”  and  a Smilin’  Girl,” 
and  some  sirens,  and  other  females.  But  I didn’t  care ; 
I haint  got  a jealous  hair  in  the  hull  of  my  foretop, 
or  back  hair  ; and  I well  know  the  state  of  my  pard- 
ner’s  morals, — brass  is  no  sounder.  And  I couldn’t 
help  takin’  it  as  a compliment,  and  feelin’  flattered  in 
behalf  of  my  sect,  to  see  all  through  the  Sentinal, 
how  sot  men  did  seem  to  be  a lookin’  at  the  pictures 
and  statutes  of  wimmen.  They  looked  at  ’em  as  much 
again  as  they  did  at  the  Aggers  of  their  own  sect ; and 
it  showed  plain  to  me,  that  though  they  do  some  on 


THE  WEAVERS. 


485 


’em  seem  to  feel  rather  hauty  and  proud-spirited  to- 
wards us,  they  do  think  a sight  on  us — as  a race. 

So  there  I sot  bounded  by  beauty  on  every  side  of 
me,  and  happy  as  a queen,  when  a likely  lookin’ 
woman  come  in  and  sot  down  by  me.  Says  she,  I 
have  jest  been  a lookin’  at  the  Gobelin  tapistry.” 

Why  how  you  talk  ? says  I,  I never  believed 
there  was  any  such  things  as  Gobelins  or  spooks.” 

‘‘  I mean  men ; ” says  she,  men  that  foller  the  trade 
of  the  Gobelins.” 

Oh  Gobblers  ? ” says  I in  a enquirin’  tone. 

Weavers,”  says  she.  ^^They  set  at  the  back  of 
their  frame  and  never  see  the  right  side  of  their  work 
till  the  picture  is  finished,  and  each  color  they  weave 
in  has  twenty  different  shades.” 

How  you  talk  ! ” says  I,  and  seein’  she  had  a kind 
of  a knowin’  look,  as  if  she  would  understand  epi- 
sodin’ ; (I  hate  to  episode  to  anybody  that  don’t 
know  what  I’m  a doin’.)  I says  to  her,  That  is  a 
good  deal  like  our  lives,  haint  it ; we  set  in  the  dark 
a weavin’  in  our  actions  day  by  day,  every  act  havin’ 
more’n  forty  diifferent  shades  and  motives  to  it,  and 
we  can’t  tell  how  the  picture  looks  from  the  other 
side  till  our  work  is  done,  and  the  frame  laid  down.” 

That  is  so,”  says  she.  And  then  we  both  went 
to  look  at  ’em,  and  Josiah  went  too;  and  such  weavin’ 

I never  see  before,  nor  never  expect  to  again.  One 
of  ’em  was  Mrs.  Penelope  settin’  a weavin’  her  web. 
A likely  creeter  she  was.  After  her  husband  was 


4:86  • 


OLD  ANTIQUE. 


dragged  off  to  war  she  would  set  and  weave  all  day, 
and  rip  it  all  out  at  night,  for  she  had  promised  to 
marry  again  when  she  had  got  her  weavin’  done ; and 
hated  to.  I have  heerd  Thomas  J.  read  about  her, 
and  always  took  right  to  her.  We  had  jest  finished 
lookin’  at  her,  and  I was  a goin’  to  tackle  some  of 
the  pictures,  when  a slimmish  sort  of  a girl,  by  the 
side  of  us  says  to  another  one,  in  reply  to  a question : 

“ Yes,  I have  jest  come  from  there;  it  is  the  great- 
est exhibition  of  Antique  art  ever  seen  in  this  country. 
Pottery,  crockery  ware,  marbles,  and  jewelry,  twenty- 
three  hundred  years  old,  some  of  it.” 

Josiah  hunched  me,  and  give  me  a wink  ; as  excit- 
ed and  agitated  a wink  as  I ever  see  wunk.  And 
says  I,  What  is  the  matter  Josiah,  you  scare  me.” 

Says  he  in  a loud  excitable  whisper : 

“ Now  is  my  time,  Samantha.  You  have  wanted 
me  to  buy  sunthin’  for  Tirzah  Ann  to  remember  the 
Sentinal  by,  and  I can  probable  git  some  things  here 
cheap  as  dirt,  if  they  are  as  old  as  that,  and  they’ll  be 
jest  as  good  for  her  as  new ; they’ll  last  till  she  gits 
sick  of  ’em.  I will  see  old  Antique,  and  try  to  make 
a dicker  with  him.” 

Says  I,  “ If  I had  a only  girl  by  my  first  wife,  and 
was  as  well  off  as  you  be,  I wouldn’t  try  to  git  second 
hand  jewelry  or  old  crockery  for  ’em,  because  I could  \ 
git  ’em  for  little  or  nothin’.” 

But  he  was  sot  on  it,  and  so  we  went  in  and  looked 
round,  tryin’  to  find  sunthin’  that  would  suit  her. 


SEARCH  FOR  A PRESENT. 


487 


There  was  lots  and  lots  of  things,  but  I couldn’t  see  a 
article  that  I thought  she  would  want  and  told  him 
so ; there  was  some  big  platters  with  humbly  faces 
painted  on  ’em,  and  bowls  and  vases  and  jars.  One 
little  bowl  was  marked  ^^Anno  Jubilee  1600,”  and 
Josiah  says,  Don’t  you  s’pose  that  would  do,  Saman- 
tha ? S’posen  Ann  has  used  it,  she  haint  hurt  it,  and 
it  would  be  handy  to  feed  the — ” 

Says  I,  Josiah  Allen,  it  don’t  look  half  so  well  as 
bowls  she  has  got  by  her  now.” 

Well,”  says  he,  could  git  it  cheap,  its  bein’  so 
awful  old,  and  I believe  it  would  be  as  good  for  her, 
as  a new  one.” 

Well,”  says  I,  before  you  decide,  less  look  round 
a little  more.” 

It  does  beat  all  how  many  things  was  marked  Anno 
Domina;  Josiah  said  he  wondered  what  under  the 
sun  Ann  wanted  of  so  much  jewelry  and  stuff,  and  he 
thought  it  looked  extravagant  in  her. 

Says  he  with  a dreamy  look  Mebby  Ann  would 
have  left  sun  thin’  to  our  girl,' if  she  had  known  she 
was  named  after  her — as  it  were.” 

Says  I,  Josiah  Allen  don’t  try  to  git  off  on  that 
track.”  Says  I,  It  is  bad  enough  to  buy  second-hand- 
ed jewelry  without  plottin’  round  tryin’  to  git  it  for 
nothin’.” 

So  finally  he  picked  out  a ring  of  carved  stone, 
sardonic,  I think  I heerd  it  called,  and  says  he : this 

will  be  just  as  good  for  Tirzah  Ann  as  sunthin’ 
19* 


488 


COST  OF  RELICS. 


that  would  cost  a dollar  or  ten  shillinV’  says  he  1 
will  give  old  Antique  ten  cents  for  it,  and  not  try  to 
beat  him  down.  Do  you  s’pose  the  old  man  would 
ask  any  more  for  it  ? ” says  he,  addressin’  a middle 
aged,  iron  grey  man  a standin’  near  us.  ^^He  dug 
’em  out  of  old  graves  and  ruins,  I hear;  they  can’t  be 
worth  much  to  him.” 

Y on  can  learn  the  price  from  Signor  Alessandro 
Castellani.” 

Who  ? ” says  Josiah. 

^^The  gentleman  who  owns  the  collection,  the  head 
of  the  Italian  Commission.  There  he  is  a coinin’  this 
way  now.”  He  was  a good  lookin’  chap,  with  a ani- 
mated eager  look  to  his  face.  And  when  he  got  up 
to  us  Josiah  says  to  him,  How  much  is  that  little 
sardonic  ring  ? ” 

Says  he,  in  a pleasant  way  though  sort  o’  foreign 
in  axent.  That  ring  sir,  is  eight  hundred  dollars.” 

My  pardner  stood  with  his  head  bent  forward,  and 
his  arms  hangin’  down  straight,  in  deep  dumb  founder. 
Finally  he. spoke,  and  says  he  in  low  agitated  axents, 
‘^How  much  do  you  call  the  hull  lot  of  old  stuff 
worth  ? ” 

Two  hundred  thousand  dollars,”  says  he. 

Says  Josiah,  ‘‘I  thought  five  dollars  would  buy 
the  hull.  I guess  we  had  better  be  goin’  Samantha.” 
After  we  got  out,  I says  I guess,  Josiah  Allen,  you 
wish  you  had  heerd  to  me.” 


JOSTAH  AGAIN  REPROVED. 


489 


“Dummit!  who  thought  they  were  such  fools?” 
says  he. 

Says  I sternly,  Josiah  Allen,  it  scares  me  to  think 
you  have  got  to  be  such  a profane  swearer,”  says  I 
you  never  swore  such  profane  oaths  in  your  hull  life 
before,  as  you  have  sense  you  have  been  on  your 
tower.  What  would  your  pasture  say  if  he  could  hear 
you?  And  you  call  ’em  fools,”  says  I,  guess  they 
haint  the  only  fools  in  the  world ! ” 

‘‘  Who  said  they  wuz^'^  says  he.  And  then  he  spoke 
up  and  says  he,  I guess  I will  go  out  and  look  at 
some  mules,  and  steers.” 

^^Well,”  says  I more  mildly,  ^^Mebby  you  had 
better.”  And  we  agreed  when  it  was  time  to  go 
home,  to  meet  at  the  Department  of  Public  Comfort. 

So  Josiah  went  to  look  at  the  live  stock,  (he  seemed 
to  enjoy  himself  better  when  he  was  in  that  situation) 
and  I wandered  round  through  them  wildernesses  of 
entrancin’  beauty,  perfectly  happy  (as  it  were.)  I had 
roamed  round  mebby  an  hour,  lookin’  at  the  pictures 
and  statutes  that  lined  the  walls  on  every  side,  not 
mindin’  the  crowd  a mite,  some  of  the  time  a laughin’ 
and  some  of  the  time  a cryin’  (entirely  unbeknown  to 
me.)  I was  a standin’  in  Germany,  enjoyin’  myself 
dretfully,  for  the  Germans  are  a affectionate,  social 
race,  and  their  pictures  of  home  life  are  exceedin’ly 
interestin’  and  agreeable,  to  one  who  loves  home  as 
does  she,  whose  name  was  once  Smith.  And  then 


490 


THE  EMPEROR  OP  BRAZIL. 


there  was  pictures  that  would  make  you  smile,  such 
as  “Buying the  Cradle,”  and  “The  Disagreement.” 
And  there  was  lovely  landscapes,  and  grand  and  in- 
spirin’ pictures.  I had  jest  been  a lookin’  at  “ Christ 
Appearing  to  Mary  Magdelane,”  a noble  picture; 
our  Saviour  clad  in  white  like  Eternal  Purity,  and 
she  rushing  forward  with  outstretched  arms  and  her 
face  all  lit  up  with  joy  and  adoration.  I had  jest 
left  this  picture  and  was  a lookin’  at  “ Luther  Inter- 
cepted,” and  thinkin’  how  sort  o’  lonesome  the  woods 
looked,  and  how  sorry  I was  for  Luther — when  all  of 
a sudden  I heerd  a awe-stricken  whisper  on  the  nigh 
side  of  me : 

“ There  is  the  Emperor  of  Brazil ! There  is  Dom 
Pedro!” 

And  lookin’  up  I see  a tall  man  with  greyish 
whiskers  and  mustache,  come  in  in  a quiet  way  with 
a little  book  in  his  hand,  and  go  to  lookin’  at  the 
pictures.  For  nearly  three  quarters  of  a moment  I 
felt  strange,  curious,  exceedingly  so.  But  Principle 
showed  me  jest  what  to  do,  to  do  right,  and  Duty 
locked  arms  with  me  and  bore  me  onwards,  right  up 
in  front  of  that  noblest  of  men,  for  I felt  that  I ort 
to  make  some  move  towards  gettin’  acquainted  with 
him.  I took  it  right  to  myself;  he  was  a literary 
man ; I was  a literary  woman ; he  was  on  a tower 
of  investigation  and  principle  ; I too,  was  on  such  a 
tower ; and  I knew  if  I should  go  to  Brazil  to  get 


SAMANTHA  EXHIBITS  HER  POLITENESS.  491 


Brazil  nuts  or  anything,  if  I should  happen  to  go  to 
his  neighborhood  to  any  doiii’s  where  he  was,  and 
he  shouldn’t  make  any  move  towards  gettin’  ac- 
quainted with  me,  I should  feel  hurt.  I shouldn’t 
be  mad,  but  it  would  grieve  me — work  on  my  f eelin’s. 


And  so  thinks’es  I,  I wont  stand  on  no  ceremony 
but  do  as  I would  be  done  by,  and  scrape  acquaint- 
ance with  him. 

I am  very  polite  when  I set  out  to  be.  Anybody 
to  see  me  appear  sometimes,  would  almost  think  I was 
bom  in  a meetin’  house.  I have  a very  noble  way 
to  me  sometimes^  it  comes  natural,  and  I put  on 


492 


SAMANTHA  INTRODUCES  HERSELF. 


now,  the  very  best  mean  I had  by  me,  and  curchied 
nobly.  And  though  I do  say  it  that  shouldn’t,  I can 
make  as  good  lookin’  a curchy  as  any  woman  of  my 
age  and  size  when  I set  out.  Of  course  I can’t  put  in 
all  the  little  curious  motions  I could  if  I weighed  less 
than  two  hundred,  but  1 did  well.  And  jest  as  I got 
through  curchyien  I spoke  up  in  a very  polite,  but 
calm  tone  : How  do  you  do  Mr.  Pedro  ? ” 

They  call  him  Dom,  a nickname  for  Dombey,  I 
s’pose.  But  I always  think  it  looks  better  for  females 
to  be  sort  o’  reserved  and  dignified,  and  so  I called 
him  Mr.  Pedro.  And  says  I,  I will  make  you 
acquainted  with  Josiah  Allen’s  wife.” 

He  looked  at  me  kinder  searchin’  like,  and  then 
when  I had  a full  look  at  him,  I could  see  that  lie 
looked  well.  Though,  like  myself,  he  couldn’t  be 
called  handsome,  he  had  a good  look  to  his  face.  His 
eyes  had  that  sort  of  a weary  look,  considerable  sad, 
and  considerable  hopeful  too,  and  very  deep  and 
searchin’,  jest  as  if  they  had  looked  a good  deal  at 
things  that  worried  and  perplexed  him  ; just  as  if  they 
had  looked  at  bigotry,  and  prejudice,  and  ignorance, 
and  then  seen,  clear  acrost  ’em  the  sunlight  of  educa- 
tion, and  freedom,  and  true  religion  a dawnin’  on  the 
land  he  loved.  I don’t  know  when  I have  seen  a 
face  that  I liked  better.  And  my  admirin’  and  rev- 
erential emotions  riz  up  so  that  I never  spoke  about 
the  weather — or  asked  him  whether  he  was  enjoyin’ 


SAMANTHA’S  SPEECH  TO  DOM  PEDRO. 


493 


good  health,  or  whether  Miss  Pedro  and  the  rest  of 
his  folks  was  as  well  as  could  be  expected,  or  any- 
thing— but  I spoke  right  up  and  says  I in  tones 
tremblin’  with  emotion : 

I have  been  on  towers  before,  Mr.  Pedro,  and 
have  felt  noble  and  grand  on  ’em,  but  never  did  I feel 
so  lifted  up  on  any  tower  as  I do  now.  Never, 
never,  did  I meet  a literary  man  that  I feel  such 
emotions  towards,  either  on  a tower  or  oifon  it.” 

And  as  I went  on  I grew  more  and  more  agitated, 
and  eloquent ; why,  I felt  so  eloquent  that  I see  there 
wasn’t  no  use  to  try  to  stop  myself,  and  I says  in 
fearfully  noble  axents : 

When  a man  in  a lofty  station  like  yourn,  instead 
of  spendin’  his  days  admirin’  himself,  works  earnest, 
hard  work  to  benefit  the  people  God  placed  in  his 
keepin’;  studies  day  and  night  how  to  advance  their  in- 
terests, in  every  way,  and  raise  them  up  and  make  them 
prosperous  and  happy;  that  man  Mr.  Pedro,  raises 
himself  from  35  to  40  cents  in  my  estimation.  And 
when  that  literary,  and  noble  minded  man  gets  down 
out  of  his  high  chair — soft  as  royalty  and  a people’s 
devotion  can  make  it — and  sets  off  on  a tower  to 
collect  information  to  still  further  benefit  them,  he 
raises  himself  still  further  up  in  my  estimation,  he 
still  further  endears  himself  to  her  whose  name  was 
formally  Smith.  For,”  says  I wipin’  my  heated  for- 
ward, I feel  a sympathizin’  feelin’  for  him ; I too, 


4:94  DOM  PEDRO  OVERWHELMED  WITH  ELOQUENCE. 


am  literary,  and  a investigator  in  the  cause  of  right,  I 
too  am  on  a tower.” 

He  looked  dretful  sort  o’  earnest  at  me,  and  sur^ 
prised.  I s’pose  it  kind  o’  took  him  back,  and  almost 
skairt  him  to  see  a wom[an  so  awful  eloquent.  But  I 
kep’  right  on,  unbeknown  to  me.  Says  I ‘‘  Some 
kings  look  down  on  the  people  as  if  they  was  only 
dust  for  their  throne  to  rest  on ; while  they  set  up  on 
it,  with  their  crown  on,  a playin’  with  their  septer, 
and  countin’  over  their  riches  and  admirin’  them- 
selves. But,”  says  I,  such  feelin’s  felt  towards  the 
people  makes  the  waves  of  angry  passions  rise  up 
below,  muddy  waves  of  feelin’,  underminin’  the 
throne,  and  tottlin’  it  right  over.  But  when  a ruler 
plants  the  foundations  of  his  throne  in  Justice,  and 
goodness,  and  the  hearts  of  his  people,  they  are  firm 
foundations,  and  will  stand  a pretty  good  shakin’ 
before  tumblin’  down.” 

Says  I (still  entirely  unbeknown  to  me)  Some 
folks  thinks  it  lifts  ’em  up  and  makes  ’em  higher  and 
nobler,  if  they  have  somebody  beneath  ’em  to  look 
down  on  and  feel  contemptuous  towards ; but  it 
haint  Christ-like.  And  they  who  are  the  most  like 
Him,  the  loftiest,  truest  souls,  have  the  most  generous 
and  helpful  spirit,  the  tenderest  compassion  for  them 
who  are  accounted  beneath  them.  They  would  much 
rather  offend  an  equal,  than  to  add,  by  a word  or  a 
look,  to  the  burdens  of  those  already  burdened  by  a 


WHY  SAMANTHA  ALWAYS  LIKED  THE  SUN.  495 


cense  of  their  poverty  and  inferiority.  And  that  is 
one  reason  why  I always  liked  the  sun  Mr.  Pedro,  why 
I always  fairly  took  to  him : because  he  is  so  great 
and  noble  and  royal  hearted,  and  with  all  his  kingly 
and  soarin’  grandeur,  has  such  awful  tender  streaks  to 
him,  so  thoughtful  and  helpful  to  the  little  neglected 
cast  off  things  of  the  earth.  If  he  turns  the  cold 
shoulder  to  any  one,  it  is  to  the  high,  the  hauty, 
and  the  big  feelin’.  How  different  he  appears  how 
much  more  cold  and  icy  his  mean  is  to  the  loftiest 
mountain  peaks,  to  what  it  is  to  the  little  cowslip 
blow  and  blue-eyed  violet  down  by  the  swamp,  or 
the  low  grasses  growin’  in  fence  corners  and  by  the 
door-steps  of  the  poor.  How  warm  and  almost  tender 
he  is  to  them,  never  twittin’  them  of  their  worthless- 
ness and  how  much  he  has  done  fof  them,  but  smilin’ 
right  down  on  ’em,  helpin’  ’em  to  grow,  and  makin’ 
no  fuss  about  it.  Not  a mite  afraid  of  losin’  his 
dignity  the  sun  haint,  when  he  is  bondin’  himself 
down  to  lift  up  a myrtle  blow,  or  encourage  a skairt 
little  dandelion,  trampled  down  by  the  side  of  the 
road.  He  has  got  a big  job  of  shinin’  on  his  hands. 
He  has  took  the  job  of  lightin’  the  world,  and  he 
haint  got  no  time  or  disposition  to  be  exclusive  and 
nurse  his  dignity,  ac  little  naters  do,  and  he  don’t 
need  to.” 

I knew  by  the  expression  of  Mr.  Pedro’s  face,  that 
he  mistrusted  that  I was  comparin’  him  to  the  sun, 


496 


DOM  PEDRO’S  SENTIMENTS 


and  bein’  so  modest — jest  like  all  great  naters — it 
was  fairly  distressin’  to  him.  And  givin’  a glance 
round  the  room,  at  the  noble  pictures,  and  gorgeous 
doin’s,  he  says : 

‘‘1  congratulate  you  all  Madam,  on  your  great 
display.  I see  much  to  admire.” 

That  man  is  a perfect  gentleman,  if  there  ever  was 
one.  But  I wasn’t  goin’  to  be  outdone  in  politeness ; 
I wasn’t  goin’  to  have  him  feel  uncomfortable  because 
we  had  better  doin’s  than  he  had  to  home.  And  so 
says  I,  “ Yes,  we  have  got  up  a pretty  fair  show,  but 
you  mustn’t  think  we  have  such  doin’s  every  day 
Mr.  Pedro.  Columbia  has  got  her  high  heeled  shoes 
on,  as  you  may  say,  and  is  showin’  ofi,  tryin’  to  see 
what  she  can  do.  She  has  been  keepin’  house  for  a 
hundred  years,  and  been  a addin’  to  her  house  every 
year,  and  repairin’  of  it  and  gettin’  housen  stuff 
together,  and  now  she  is  havin’  a regular  house 
warmin’,  to  show  off,  what  a housekeeper  she  is.” 

Again  he  said  with  that  courteous  and  polite  look 
of  hisen  : that  it  was  a grand,  and  instructive  scene  ; 
nothing  like  it  had  met  his  eyes  in  his  own  land.  He 
didn’t  blame  the  nation  for  the  pride  they  felt,  it  was 
deserved  ; the  display  was  grand,  magnificent,  and 
the  country  was  prosperous ; in  traveling  through  it 
he  had  been  delighted  and  amazed.” 

I thought  then,  he  was  bo  generous,  and  praised 
US  up  bo,  it  would  be  polite  for  me  to  sort  o’  run 


INVITATION  TO  VISIT  JONESVILLE. 


49Y 


ourselves  down,  a very  little.  Principle  wouldn’t  let 
me  run  far,  and  says  I : 

‘^Yes,  our  American  Eagle  has  laid  quite  a pile 
of  eggs  and  hatched  out  quite  a quantity  of  likely 
growin’  states  and  territories,  and  I don’t  know  as  she 
ort  to  be  blamed  too  much  if  she  does  cackle  pretty 
loud,  and  look  as  wise,  and  satisfied,  and  knowin’  as  a 
hen  turkey.” 

And  then  thinkin’  it  would  be  very  polite  in  me  to 
turn  the  subject  away  from  our  national  and  personal 
glory,  I spoke  out  in  as  friendly  a tone  as  I had  by 
me — for  I truly  felt  as  if  the  nation  and  I couldn’t  do 
too  much,  or  say  too  much  to  show  our  admiration 
and  appreciation  for  the  smartest  and  sensiblest  mon- 
arch we  ever  had  amongst  us.  Says  I in  a real 
neighborly  tone  : 

How  is  your  wife,  Mr.  Pedro  ? How  glad  I 
should  be  if  you  and  she  could  come  to  Jonesville 
before  you  go  down  home,  and  make  us  a good  visit ; ” 
says  I,  would  love  to  git  acquainted  with  her  and 
so  would  Josiah;  and  I don’t  s’pose  I shall  ever  git 
so  far  from  home  as  Brazil,  for  Josiah  and  me  don’t 
visit  much  anyway,  and  South  America  seems  to  be 
sort  o’  out  of  our  way.  But  ” — says  I,  in  that  same 
friendly,  and  almost  affectionate  manner  — don’t 
wait  for  us  Mr.  Pedro,  if  you  and  she  can  come 
now,  or  after  you  git  home,  come  right  up ; we  shall 
be  glad  and  proud  to  see  you  at  any  time.”  And 


498  SAMANTHA  PRESCRIBES  FOR  THE  EMPRESS. 


then  I happened  to  think,  what  I had  heerd  about  her 
enjoyment  of  poor  health,  and  Bays  I,  ^^How  is 
Theresy’s  lameness  now,  does  she  git  any  the  better 
of  it?’’ 

He  thanked  me  dretful  polite,  and  said  she  wasn’t 
any  better.” 

Did  she  ever  try  any  arneky  ? ” says  I,  I do 
believe  if  she  should  try  that  and  yarrer,  she  would 
git  help.” 

He  said  he  didn’t  think  she  ever  had. 

^‘Well,”  says  I,  I can  recommend  it  to  her,  and 
I haint  the  only  one.  If  she  has  any  doubts  of  its 
bein’  good,  let  her  go  right  to  Miss  Archibald  Gowdey 
and  she’ll  convince  her.”  Says  I,  ^^Miss  Gowdey 
told  me  with  her  own  mouth  that  her  brother’s  wife’s 
grandmother  was  bed  rid  with  lameness  and  she  took 
arneky  and  wormwood,  half  and  half,  and  steeped  ’em 
up  in  vinegar,  and  put  in  one  or  two  red  peppers  to 
git  up  a circulation  on  the  outside,  and  took  boneset 
and  yarrer  on  the  inside,  and  in  three  weeks  time 
she  felt  like  a new  critter — could  have  waltzed  if  it 
wasn’t  for  her  principles  (she  was  a Methodist  and 
wouldn’t  be  catched  at  it.)  And  I believe  my  soul 
if  Miss  Pedro  should  try  it  she  would  feel  the  good 
effects  of  it.  And  you  tell  her  from  me  that  if  she 
haint  brought  up  any  herbs  with  her,  or  got  any 
good  vinegar  by  her,  I’ll  furnish  her  in  welcome  and  it 
ahant  cost  her  a cent.  I have  got  a piller  ease  full  of 


A GENEROUS  OFFER. 


409 


yarrer,  and  other  herbs  accordin’,  and  as  good  a hogset 
of  vinegar  as  ever  made  its  own  mother.” 

He  felt  well,  Mr.  Pedro  did.  He  kinder  laughed 
with  his  eyes,  he  took  it  so  well  in  me,  and  he  said 
he’d  mention  it  to  the  Empress.” 

^^Well,”  says  I,  ‘^so  do  ; she  needn’t  be  a mite 
afraid  of  takin’  the  boneset  and  yarrer,  for  we  have 
used  ’em  in  our  own  family.  My  Josiah  is  kinder 
spindlin’,  springs  and  falls,  and  I give  it  to  him.” 
Says  I,  Josiah  looked  so  bad  when  he  began  to 
take  it  last  fall  that  I was  awful  afraid  I shouldn’t 
winter  him  through.  He  looked  like  a bean  pole.” 

All  of  a sudden,  jest  as  I said  bean  pole,  a thought 
came  to  me  that  mortified  me  awfully.  Cornin’  off  so 
sudden  as  I had  from  his  Theresy’s  sickness  onto  my 
Josiah’s,  bewailin’  their  two  feeblenesses  as  1 had, 
and  dwellin’  so  on  their  two  enjoyments  of  poor 
health,  I didn’t  know  but  he  would  think  I was  a 
actin’  some  like  Hamlet’s  ghost,  I have  heerd  Thomas 
J.  read  about,  ‘‘  Movin’  on  towards  a design.” 

And  I wouldn’t  have  him  think  so  for  the  world,  or 
git  any  false  idees  or  false  hopes  and  expectations 
into  his  head.  Mr.  Pedro  is  a sensible,  smart,  good- 
hearted  feller;  we  are  both  literary,  and  investiga- 
tin’, and  our  minds  are  congenial,  very.  But  if  my 
Josiah  should  die  off,  I never  should  marry  again, 
never.  Life  nor  death  can’t  part  two  souls  that  are 
bound  completely  up  in  each  other.  No,  when  the 


500  EXCUSES  FOR  NOT  VISITING  THE  EMPRESS. 


clay  that  wraps  them  two  souls  round  drops  away 
from  one  of  ’em,  it  only  makes  ’em  nearer  to  each 
other.  And  so  in  the  name  of  Principle  I mildly  but 
firmly  sort  o’  changed  the  conversation,  and  told  him 

Be  sure  and  give  my  best  respects  to  Miss  Pedro, 
and  tell  her  not  to  feel  hurt  at  all  if  I don’t  call  on 
her  while  we  are  here  to  the  village,  for  we  can’t  stay 
more  than  three  days  longer  anyway,  for  we  have  got 
a settin’  hen  that  must  be  seen  to,  and  other  impor- 
tant business  that  calls  us  home.  And  we  have  got 
sights  and  sights  of  things  to  see  before  we  go,  and 
so  have  you  I know ; so  I wont  detain  you  another 
minute,  though  Pd  love  to  visit  with  you  longer.” 
And  then  I curchied  again  the  best  I knew  how,  and 
he  bowed  very  pleasant  and  agreeable.  I went  and 
set  down  again  for  a few  moments  and  Mr.  Pedro 
walked  round  the  room  a little  more,  a lookin’  at 
the  pictures  and  talkin’  with  some  of  his  mates, 
and  they’d  look  at  me  every  little  while,  dretful 
smilin’.  They  felt  friendly  to  me  I know,  I had 
appeared  well,  I knew  it  and  they  knew  it.  There 
was  a woman  amongst  ’em  that  a bystander  standin’ 
by  me  said  was  the  Empress.  But  I knew  better  ; I 
knew  if  it  had  been  his  wife,  Mr.  Pedro  would  have 
made  me  acquainted  with  her,  and  been  glad  of  the 
chance. 

I did  not  see  Josiah  when  I entered  into  the 
Department  of  Public  Comfort.  But  there  were 


DEPARTMENT  OF  COMFORT. 


501 


enough  there  to  be  sociable ; you  wouldn’t  be  apt 
to  feel  lonesome.  Never ! never  was  I so  nearly 
crushed,  never  did  I see  such  a crowd ; our  faces 
were  all  red,  our  bodies  wet  with  perspiration  and 
sweat;  I can  compare  our  situation  to  nothin’  but 
red  rossberrys  when  you  make  jam  of  ’em.  It  was 
truly  a tegus  time.  And  I sithed  out  to  myself  several 
times,  Is  this  a Department  of  Comfort  Samantha  ? 
Tell  me  Josiah  Allen’s  wife  is  this  Comfort,  or  what 
is  it?  ” I would  thus  question  myself  almost  wildly 
as  I made  nearly  frantic  efforts  to  keep  my  breath  in 
my  body,  and  my  body  hull  and  sound  on  the  outside 
of  my  breath.  Finally,  I got  kinder  wedged  in  so  my 
back  was  to  the  wall,  and  I began  to  breath  easier, 
and  feel  happy.  But  little  as  I thought  it,  a worse 
trial  was  in  front  .of  me. 

There  was  a tall  sepulchral  lookin’  chap  standin’ 
right  by  the  side  of  me,  and  I s’pose  seein’  I had  such 
a friendly  and  noble  mean  on  me,  he  began  to  talk 
with  me  about  the  Sentinal  and  so  4th.  And  finally 
puttin’  on  a kind  of  a confidential,  but  important  look, 
he  says : 

Keep  your  composure  mom,  and  don’t  be  afraid 
of  me,  I am  a lecturer  mom.” 

He  see  by  my  mean  that  I wasn’t  skairt,  and  he 
went  on  and  continued : 

Teg,  I am  a lecturer  on  spiritualism,”  and  says  he, 
Do  you  believe  in  spirits  mom  ? ” 


503 


THE  SPIRITUALIST. 


‘‘  Yes,”  says  I some.”  And  I added  in  a cautious 
tone  for  I didn’t  like  his  looks  a mite.  ‘^What 
spirits  do  you  mean,  and  how  many  ? ” 

Why  spirits,”  says  he,  common  spirits.” 

^^Well”  says  I I believe  in  the  spirit  of  true 
Christianity,  and  the  spirit  of  the  age,  and  on  bein’ 
in  good  spirits  all  you  can,  and  when  you  see  mean- 
ness a goin’  on,  in  bein’  sort  o’  proud  spirited ; and  I 
believe  in  spirits  of  turpentine,  and — ” 

But  he  interrupted  of  me.  I see  Madam  you  are 
ignorant  of  our  glorious  spirit  manifestations.  Oh 
what  a time  we  had  last  night.” 

‘^What  did  they  manifest,”  says  I calmly,  ^^and 
how  many  ? ” 

Why,”  says  he,  Elizabeth  Browning  tipped  the 
table  over  nobly  last  night.  I never  see  Elizabeth  do 
better.  She  would  catch  our  hats  off,  and  grab  hold 
of  our  hands ; I tell  you  Lib  was  lively  last  night. 
And  George  Washington!  I never  see  George  git 
friskier  than  he  did.  He  would  ontie  us,  jest  as  fast 
as  anybody  would  tie  us  up ; George  would.” 

^^Well,”  says  I calmly,  ^Ghe  Bible  says  ^we  shall 
be  changed,’  and  truly  I should  think  as  much,  though 
I can’t  say  as  the  change  would  be  for  the  better  if 
George  Washington  haint  found  no  better  employ- 
ment for  his  immortal  soul  than  ontyin’  tow  strings. 
And  truly  the  change  in  Mrs.  Browning  is  great,  if 
she  feels  like  catchin’  off  men’s  liats,  and  grabbin’ 
holt  of  their  hands,  and  foolin’  round.” 


SAMANTHA’S  OPINION  OF  THE  SPIRITS.  503 


Says  lie  rollin  up  his  eyes : That  unseen  world, 
the  land  we  come  from  so  lately  and  will  return  to  so 
soon,  is  very  near  to  us;  it  is  all  round  and  about  us; 
only  a breath  divides  us  from  it.  Who  dare  deny 
that  we  get  tidings  from  it  ? Who  dare  deny  that 
voices  of  warning,  or  greeting  comes  to  us,  exiles 
from  that  true  fatherland,  home  of  the  soul  ? ’’ 

He  was  nearly  eloquent,  and  says  I in  reasonable 
axents,  I haint  denied  it,  only  it  seems  to  me  that 
anything  so  sweet  and  solemn  and  holy  would  be 
revealed  to  us  in  some  other  way  than  through  the 
legs  of  a pine  table.  It  does  seem  to  me  that  He  who 
rides  on  the  whirlwind  and  the  clouds,  and  who  has 
the  winds  and  waves  for  His  messengers,  wouldn’t  find 
it  necessary  to  tie  a man  up  in  a little  bass-wood  box 
in  order  to  reveal  His  will  to  us.  Howsumever,  I don’t 
say  it  haint  so,  I only  tell  my  own  idees  ; other  folks 
have  a right  to  theirn.”  But  I told  him  I guessed 
I would  be  excused  from  goin’  to  see  the  spirits  per- 
form, as  I didn’t  seem  to  have  no  drawins  that  way.” 

He  acted  surly,  but  I didn’t  care  a mite ; and  jest 
that  minute  I see  my  pardner  a tryin’  to  enter  into 
the  abode  of  Comfort.  I will  not  try  to  paint  my 
agony  nor  hisen,  on  our  way  to  each  other,  and  on 
our  way  out.  Josiah  groaned  out  that  he  had  had 
enough  Comfort  to  last  him  the  hull  of  a long  life  ; 
and  I groaned  back  again  that  a very  little  more 
Comfort  would  have  been  the  death  of  me.  But  we 
got  out  alive,  which  we  felt  was  indeed  a blessinb 


VARIOUS  MATTERS. 


The  next  day  was  Sunday,  and  if  it  hadn’t  been 
we  couldn’t  have  gone  anywhere.  We  was  sick 
critters,  me  and  Josiah  both;  a sort  of  a Collery 
Morbeus.  Some  called  it  the  Sentinal  gripe.  It  was 
very  fashionable  to  have  it,  though  that  didn’t  make 
a mite  of  difference  with  Josiah  or  me;  we  don’t 
foller  up  the  fashion  so  close  as  some  do.  Fashion  or 
no  fashion,  it  wasn’t  notliin’  we  wanted.  Josiah  felt 
better  towards  night,  and  went  out  for  a little  walk, 
and  when  he  come  back,  says  he : 

The  ‘ Creation  Searchers  ’ got  into  a real  scrape 
last  night ; was  took  up  for  vagrants  and  shet  up  in 
the  Station  House,  the  hull  ten  on  ’em.” 

How  you  talk ! ” says  I. 

Yes,  I met  Sam  Snyder  jest  now  and  he  told  me 
all  about  it.  You  see  their  spectacles  blinded  ’em  so, 
not  bein’  used  to  ’em,  that  they  got  to  wanderin’  off, 

and  got  lost  and  couldn’t  find  the  way  back,  till  it  got 

504  . 


THE  “CREATION  SEARCHERS”  IN  TROUBLE.  505 


most  midnight,  and  the  policemen  took  ’em  up,  think- 
in’  they  was  either  crazy  or  fools.  It  seems  they’d 
all  stand  in  a row,  and  tell  him  they  was  ^ Creation 
Searchers,’  thinkin’  it  would  scare  him ; and  he’d 
holler  back  to  ’em,  that  he’d  ‘ Creation  Search  ’ ’em, 
if  they  didn’t  move  on.  And  then  they’d  tell  him 
they  was ‘World  Investigators;’  and  he’d  tell ’em. 


he’d  ‘ investigate  ’ ’em  with  a club  if  they  didn’t  start 
along.  Then  they’d  try  to  scare  him  again.  They 
’would  all  stand  still  and  tell  him  they  was  ‘takin’ 
moments  of  the  Sentinal,  and  collectin’  information;’ 
and  he’d  sass  ’em  right  back,  that  he’d  help  ’em  to 
‘ information ; ’ and  then  he’d  kick  ’em.  I s’pose  they 
had  a awful  time,  but  he  got  help  and  shet  ’em  up.” 


506 


A RIDE  IN  A CITY  WAGON. 


Says  I firmly, — Them  spectacles  will  be  the  ruin- 
ation of  ’em,  Josiah.” 

I know  it,”  says  he,  ^^bnt  they  have  got  a reputa- 
tion to  keep  up,  and  will  wear  ’em.” 

The  next  mornin’,  feelin’  sort  o’  weak  and  manger, 
we  thought  we  would  ride  to  the  Sentinal ; and  jest 
as  we  stepped  out  into  the  street,  a man  from  the 
Grand  Imposition  Hotel  hailed  a big  covered  wagon, 
and  it  stopped  and.  he  got  in.  It  was  jest  as  full  as 
it  could  be,  seeminly ; but  the  driver  said  there  was 
sights  of  room,”  so  we  got  in. 

I thought  I had  seen  close  times,  and  tight  times, 
in  days  that  was  past  and  gone,  but  I found  that  I 
knew  nothin’  about  the  words.  Why,  a tower  two 
miles  in  length,  like  that,  would  have  been  my  last 
tower.  It  wasn’t  so  much  that  I hadn’t  a mite  of 
room,  and  stood  on  nothin’,  and  was  squeezed  to  that 
extent  that  a corset  was  as  unnecessary^  as  blinders 
on  a blind  man ; but  I expected  the  ruff  would  come 
• onto  me  every  minute,  such  a tramplin’  round  on  it. 
And  there  I was  with  my  arms  pinned  to  my  sides  as 
close  as  if  I ^vas  broke  in  to  and  they  was  bandaged 
to  me  for  splinters.  Oh  ! the  tegusness  of  that  time  ! 
And  my  pardner,  another  mummy  by  my  side,  a 
sweatin’  more  prespiration  than  I would  have  thought 
possible,  and  couldn’t  git  his  hands  to  his  face,  to 
save  him ; and  we  a groanin’,  and  more  men  a clam- 
berin’ up  on  the  outside,  and  hangin’  on  with  one 
hand,  and  more  wimmen  dragged  up  to  suffer  on  the 


MACHINERY  HALL. 


507 


inside.  Ob,  never ! never ! did  10  cents  buy  sucli  a 
terrible  amount  of  bodily  and  mental  agony  as  that 
10  cents  did. 

But  it  passed  away  (the  wagon)  as  all  other  suffer- 
in’ will,  if  you  give  it  time.  The  little  turnin’  stile 
creaked  round  with  us,  and  we  started  straight  for 
Machinery  Hall,  for  Josiah  said  he  fairly  hankered 
after  seein’  the  big  Careless  Eii  juii,*’  and  the  great 
Corrupt  Gun.”  The  minute  we  entered  into  that 
buildin’  we  had  sunthin’  to  think  about. 

We  went  through  the  three  avenues.  Josiah 
thought  they  was  forty  miles  in  length,  each  one  of 
’em.  I,  myself,  don’t  believe  they  was,  though  they 
was  very,  very  lengthy,  and  piled  completely  full  of 
usefulness,  beauty  and  distraction.  Every  trade  in 
the  known  world  a goin  right  on  there  before  our 
face  and  eyes,  and  we  a walkin’  along  a seein’  of 
’em: — ^jewelers  a jewelin’;  rubber  shoemakers  a rub- 
biir  ; weavers,  of  all  sorts  and  kinds,  a weavin’ ; and 
bobbins  a bobbin’ ; rock-crushers  a crushin’ ; fanners 
a fannin’ ; lacers  a lacin’ ; silk-worms  a silkin’ ; butter- 
fly-makers a butterflyin’ ; paper-makers  a paperin’ ; 
printers,  of  all  kinds,  a printin’ ; and  gas-makers  a 
gassin’ ; elevators  a elevatin’;  steamers  a steamin’; 
and  pumpers  a pumpin’ ; sewin’  machines  a sewin’ ; 
braiders  a braidin’ ; and  curlers  a curlin’ ; rollers  a 
rollin’ ; and  gymnastickers  a gymnastickin’ ; wrench- 
ers  a wrenchin’ ; chucks  a chuckin’ ; drills  a drillin’ 
and  gaugers  a gaugin’;  railroad  signals,  and  frogs; 


508 


DISTRACTING  NOISES. 


switches  a switchin’ ; bridges ; railroads ; steamships ; 
threshin’  machines,  all  in  full  blast;  and  cataracks 
a catarackin’ ; and  if  there  was  anything  else  in  the 
known  world  that  wasn’t  a goin’  on  there,  I would 
love  to  have  somebody  mention  it. 

The  noise  was  truly  distractin’ ; but  if  anybody 
could  stand  the  wear  and  tear  of  their  brains  and  ears, 
it  was  one  of  the  most  instructive  and  interestin’ 
places  the  world  ever  afforded  to  man  or  woman. 
Why,  if  there  hadn’t  been  another  thing  in  the  hull 
buildin’,  that  great  ^‘Careless  Enjun”  alone,  was  enough 
to  run  anybody’s  idees  up  into  majestic  heights  and 
run  ’em  round  and  round  into  lofty  circles  and  spears 
of  thought,  they  hadn’t  never  thought  of  runnin’ 
into  before.  And  there  was  everything  else  under 
the  sun  to  see,  and  we  see  it ; and  everything  under 
the  sun  to  hear,  and  we  heerd  it.  Though  I can’t 
be  expected  to  describe  upon  it,  for  I had  to  keep 
such  a eye  onto  myself  to  keep  myself  collected  to- 
gether. Why,  the  noise  of  my  sewin’  machine  will 
make  my  head  ache  so  sometimes,  that  I can’t  stand 
it ; and  then  think  of  takin’  the  noise  of  seventy  or 
eighty  thunder-claps,  and  a span  of  big  earthquakes, 
and  forty  or  fifty  sewin’  societies  (run  by  wdmmen), 
and  all  the  threshin’  machines  you  can  think  of,  and 
fifty  or  sixty  big  droves  of  lions  and  hyena’s  a roar- 
in’, and  the  same  number  of  strong,  healthy  infants, 
under  the  infiuence  of  colic,  and  several  hundred 
political  meetin’s  and  deestrick  schools  jest  let  out, 


NEARLY  LUNT. 


609 


and  several  Niagara  Falls;  take  the  noise  of  all  these 
put  together  and  they  don’t  give  you  any  jest  idee  of 
the  noise  and  distraction. 

Why,  there  was  such  a awful  buzz  and  clatter  of 
machinery;  big  wheels  a turnin’  little  wheels,  and 
little  wheels  a turnin’  big  ones,  and  all  a buzzin’ ; 
such  a glitterin’  of  glass  and  glidin’  and  colors  of  all 
kinds,  and  a swarmin’  of  folks  and  chatterin’  of  voices, 
and  rustlin’  of  dresses,  and  thumpin’  of  canes,  stamp- 
in’ of  shoes  and  runnin’  of  childern,  and  flutterin’  of 
ribbins,  and  wavin’  of  hands,  and  bowin’  of  heads ; 
that  though  beauty  and  instruction  was  on  every  side 
of  me  and  I knew  it,  yet  I couldn’t  take  a realizin’ 
sense  of  it.  I had  to  keep  askin’  myself  every  few 
moments: — Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  is  it  you?  tell  me 
frankly,  whether  it  is  or  not ; or  is  it  some  of  the  re- 
lation on  your  mother’s  side?  or  be  you  Josiah ? or 
who  be  you  ? ” 

Jest  as  I was  a thinkin’  this,  who  should  I meet 
face  to  face  but  Cousin  Bean,  and  says  she : Have 
you  seen  the  mummy  from  Egypt,  three  thousand 
years  old  ? ” 

Mummy  w’^ho  ? ” says  1. 

Says  she, — ^^It  is  a Egyptian  woman,  a princess; 
she  is  dead,”  says  she. 

Says  I, — I thought  so,  from  her  age.” 

She  is  embalmed,”  says  Cousin  Bean. 

What  kind  of  balm?”  says  I,  coolly. 

She  said  she  nor  nobody  else  knew  exactly  what 


510 


THE  SPHYNX  A MODEL, 


kind  of  balm  it  was ; she  said  it  had  got  lost  thousands 
of  years  ago ; covered  up  with  the  dust  of  centuries. 

1 asked  her  if  she  knew  whether  she  was  any  re- 
lation of  Sphynx;  cornin’  from  the  same  neighbor- 
hood, I didn’t  know  but  she  might  be. 

She  said  she  believed  she  was. 

‘‘Well,”  says  I,  “I’ll  go  and  see  her  then,  for  old 
Sphynx  is  a woman  I have  always  respected;”  says  I 
in  a noble  tone,  there  is  a woman  who  has  minded 
her  own  business,  and  kep’  her  own  secrets  for  thou- 
sands of  years.  Some  say  that  a woman  can’t  keep 
anything  to  herself  for  any  length  of  time,  and  if 
she  has  got  a secret,  has  got  to  git  some  other  woman 
to  help  her  keep  it.  But  there  she  has  stood  and 
seen  the  old  things  become  new,  and  the  new,  old ; 
the  sun  of  knowledge  go  down,  and  the  night  of  bar- 
barism sweep  its  black  shadders  over  her,  and  the  sun 
rise  up  on  her  again,  each  one  takin’  thousands  of 
years,  and  she  a mindin’  her  own  business,  and  keep- 
in’  her  affairs  to  herself  through  it  all ; foolin’  the  hull 
world,  and  not  smilin’  at  it ; nations  runnin’  crazy 
with  new  idees,  and  risin’  up  and  crashin’  down  on 
each  other  every  few  hundred  years,  and  she  lookin’ 
on  with  the  calmness  and  patience  of  eternity  wrote 
down  on  her  forward.  It  does  me  good  to  see  one  of 
my  own  sect  stand  so  firm.” 

So  we  sot  off  to  see  it;  Josiah  sayin’  he  would 
meet  us  at  noon,  down  by  the  Japan  House. 

My  first  thought  on  seein’  it  was,  “I  don’t  believe 


REVERIE  OVER  A MUMMY. 


511 


you  was  hung  for  your  beauty,  or  would  be,  if  you  had 
lived  another  three  thousand  years,”  but  then  my  very 
next  thought  was,  folks  may  look  sort  o’  contempt- 
uous at  you,  and,  in  the  pride  and  glory  of  their  but- 
terfly existence,  pass  you  by  in  a hauty  way ; but  if 
your  still  lips  could  open  once,  they  would  shake  the 
hull  world  with  your  knowledge  of  the  mysterious 
past  and  the  still  more  mysterious  future,  whose 
secrets  you  understand.”  And  then  (unbeknown  to 
me)  I reveried  a little : thinks’es  I,  what  scenes  did 
them  eyes  look  upon  the  last  time  they  was  opened 
in  this  world  ? What  was  the  last  words  she  lieerd, 
— the  last  face  that  bent  over  her  ? And  what  strange 
and  beautiful  landscape  is  it  that  is  spread  out  before 
her  now  ? What  faces  does  she  see  ? What  voices 
does  she  hear?  I had  quite  a number  of  emotions 
while  I stood  there  a reverin’ — probable  as  many  as 
twenty  or  thirty. 

But  about  this  time  Cousin  Bean  savs  she  : Did 

you  see  Queen  Victoria’s  pictures,  that  she  has  lent  ? ” 

I turned  right  round  and  faced  her,  and  says  I,  in 
agitated  tones, — You  don’t  tell  me.  Miss  Bean,  that 
the  Widder  Albert  has  got  some  pictures  of  her  own, 
here,  that  she  has  lent  to  the  Sentinal  ? ” 

Yes,”  says  she,  ^^she  has  got  three  or  four,  in  the 
English  Department  of  the  Art  Gallery.” 

I turned  right  round  and  started  for  the  Artemus 
Gallery,  for  I see  I had  missed  ’em  the  day  before, 

and  after  I had  got  into  the  English  Department,  a 
20* 


512 


QUEEN  VICTORIA’S  PAINTINS. 


good  woman  pinted  ’em  all  out  to  me,  at  mj  request, 
Tlie  first  one  I looked  at,  thinks’es  I, — how  curious 
that  the  Widder  Albert  should  send  a paintin’  here, 
picturin’  all  out  what  I had  thought  about  ever  sense 
I had  thought  at  all.  Thinks’es  I,  I most  know  she 
has  heerd  how  I always  felt  about  it,  and  sent  it  over 
a purpose  to  accommodate  me.  It  was  the  Death 
of  Wolfe.”  Oh!  how  often  I had  heerd  Josiah  sing 
(or  what  he  called  singin’)  about  it ; how 

“Brave  Wolfe  drew  up  his  meii 
In  a line  so  pretty, 

On  the  field  of  Abraham, 

Before  the  city.” 

That  was  when  we  was  first  married,  and  he  wantin’ 
to  treat  me  first-rate  would  set  and  sing  to  me  even- 
ins,  (or  what  he  called  singin’)  till  he  was  hoarse  as  a 
owl,  about  Lovely  Sophronia  Sleeps  in  Death,”  and 
‘^Lady  Washington’s  Lament,”  and  Brave  Wolfe.” 
And  I,  bein’  jest  married,  and  naturally  feelin’  kind 
o’  sentimental  and  curious,  would  set  and  cry  onto 
my  handkerchief  till  it  was  wet  as  sop. 

Then  there  was  the  Widder  Albert,  herself,  dress- 
ed lip  slicker  than  I ever  was,  or  ever  shall  be ; but 
I was  glad  to  see  it.  There  haint  a envious  hair 
in  my  head  ; if  there  was,  I would  pull  it  out  by  the 
roots,  if  I had  to  take  the  pinchers  to  it.  It  wouldn’t 
have  hurt  my  feelins  if  she  had  been  dressed  in  pure 
gold,  from  head  to  foot.  Store  clothes  can’t  be  made 
too  good  for  that  woman. 


THE  MARQUIS  OF  LORIS E. 


513 


But  what  was  about  as  interestin’  to  me,  as  any  of 
’em,  was  the  weddin’  of  the  Widder  Albert’s  oldest 
boy,  Albert  Wales.  It  was  a noble,  large  picture. 
There  they  stood  before  the  minister,  as  natteral  as 
life;  and  lots  of  the  most  elegant  dressed  folks  of 
both  sects,  and  officers  dressed  in  uniform,  a standin’ 
all  round  ’em;  and  the  Widder’s  benign  face  a look- 
in’ down  on  ’em  like  a benediction. 

I see  there  was  a man  a standin’  by  this  picture, 
keepin’  his  eye  on  it  all  the  time,  and  a woman  in 
front  of  me  said  to  another  one : 

^^He  stands  there  a watchin’  the  Queen’s  pictures 
all  the  time,  don’t  he?” 

Yes,”  says  the  other  one,  so  afraid  they  will  git 
injured  in  some  way.” 

Before  I could  say  a word  to  ’em,  they  sailed  off 
out  of  the  room.  But  it  all  come  to  me  in  a minute, 
who  he  was.  It  was  the  Widder  Albert’s  son-in-law, 
Loeezy’s  husband.  I remembered  readin’  that  he  w^as 
expected  to  the  Sentinal ; and  here  he  was,  a watchin’ 
his  mother-in-law’s  pictures.  Thinks’es  I,  how  awful 
clever  that  is  in  him ; some  men  despise  tlieir  mother- 
in-laws.  And  I declare,  my  admirin’  feelins  towards 
him,  for  treatin’  his  wife’s  ma  so  well,  and  the  feel- 
ins  I felt  for  that  woman,  so  rousted  me  up,  that  I 
walked  right  up  to  him  and  held  out  my  right  hand, 
and  says  I,  in  tones  tremblin’  with  emotion  : 

How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Lome  ? Little  did  I think  I 
should  have  this  honor  and  deep  pleasure ; little  did  I 


514 


HOT  WEATHER. 


think  I should  see  one  of  the  Widder  Albert’s  own 
family  here  to-day.” 

He  kinder  glared  at  me,  in  a strange  and  almost 
shocked  way,  and  says  I,  in  polite  axents : 

You  don’t  know  me,  of  course,”  and  then  I made 
a handsome  curchy  as  I says,  ^‘but  I am  Josiah 
Allen’s  wife.  Do  tell  me,  how  is  your  mother-in- 
law  ; how  is  the  Widder  Albert  ? ” And  then  I wiped 
my  heated  forward,  and  says  I, — I am  a very  warm 
friend  of  hern.  It  takes  more  than  the  same  blood 
to  make  folks  related.  Congenial  spirits  and  kindred 
souls,  are  the  truest  relationship,  and  she  is  dretful 
near  to  me.  Is  the  warm  weather  kinder  wearin’  on  , 
her  ? It  uses  me  right  up.  I have  sweat  more  pres- 
piration  to-day,  than  any  day  sense  I was  on  my  tower. 

I have  told  my  husband,  Josiah,  that  if  it  kep’  on,  I 
didn’t  know  but  he  would  have  to  carry  me  home  in  a 
pail,  (or  pails.) 

He  spoke  out  and  says  he, — Madam,  you  are  mis- 
taken, I — ” 

He  looked  awful  sort  o’  surprised,  and  even  angry. 

It  probable  surprised  him  to  see  such  polite  manners 
in  a Yankey.  I was  a actin’  well  and  friendly,  and  I 
knew  it,  and  I kep’  right  on  a appearin’.  Says  I : 

Josiah  and  I have  worried  about  her,  a sight. 
We  read  last  spring,  in  the  Worlds  that  she  was  en- 
joyin’ real  poor  health,  and  we  was  afraid  that  this 
weather  would  go  hard  with  her;  for  there  haint  an- 
other woman  on  the  face  of  the  earth,  that  I honor 


THE  WIDDER  ALBERT. 


515 


and  admire,  more  than  I do  the  Widder  Albert. 
She  is  jest  about  right,  I think;  handsome  enough, 
and  not  too  handsome,  so’s  to  be  vain,  and  envied  by 
other  wimmen  ; smart  enough,  and  not  too  smart,  so’s 
to  be  conceited  and  top-heavy ; and  sound  principles, 
sound  as  anything  can  be  sound.  Her  heart  is  in  the 
right  place,  exactly,  bounded  on  one  side  by  sympathy 
and  tenderness,  and  on  the  other  by  reason  and  com- 
mon sense.  Why  shouldn’t  her  husband  have  been  a 
happy  man,  settin’  in  the  centre  of  such  a heart? 
Why  shouldn’t  she  have  brought  her  childern  up 
well  ? She  is  a woman  that  has  had  her  Rights,  and 
has  honored  them  and  herself.  And  let  any  opposer 
and  scoffer  of  Woman’s  Rights,  take  a telescope  and 
look  at  the  Widder  Albert,  and  then  look  at  her  4 
fathers ; let  ’em  see  whether  England  has  prospered 
best  under  her  rain,  or  under  their  rain ; let  ’em  see 
who  has  been  the  most  God-fearin’  and  well-behaved ; 
let  ’em  turn  that  telescope  onto  her  public  actions, 
and  then  onto  theirn ; and  then  let  ’em  look  close 
and  searchin’  onto  the  private  life  of  them  4 old 
fathers,  and  then  onto  hern,  and  see  which  looks  the 
purest  and  prettiest. 

^^And  after  they  have  done,  let  ’em  lay  that  tele- 
scope down,  and  say  that  wimmen  don’t  know  enough, 
and  haint  sound-minded  enough  to  vote ; jest  let  ’em 
say  it  if  they  dare!  And  wimmen,  too;  why!  her 
example  ort  to  stand  up  in  life,  before  some  vain, 
frivolous  wimmen  1 could  mention — wimmen  that 


516 


A FAITHFUL  QUEEN. 


don’t  believe  in  havin’  a i-ight — jest  as  plain  as  if  it 
was  worked  on  a canvas  sampler,  with  a cross  stitch, 
and  hung  up  in  their  kitchens.  A young  woman, 
crowned  with  all  the  glory  and  honor  the  world  could 
give,  devotin’  her  life  first  to  God,  and  then  to  the 
good  of  her  people ; carryin’  her  Right  jest  as  stiddy 
and  level  as  a Right  ever  was  carried ; faithful  to  all 
her  duties,  public  and  private ; her  brightest  crown, 
the  crown  of  true  motherhood ; no  more  truly  the 
mother  of  princes,  than  mother  of  England.  Why, 
the  farm  she  had  left  to  her  by  her  uncle  George,  is 
so  big  that  the  sun  don’t  never  go  down  on  it ; larger 
in  dimensions  than  we  can  hardly  think  on  with  our 
naked  minds ; and  all  over  that  enormous  farm  of 
hern,  the  flowers  turn  no  more  constant  to  that  sun, 
and  that  sun  is  no  more  consolin’  and  inspirin’  to 
them  flowers,  than  is  the  thought  of  this  kind,  gra- 
cious lady  to  them  that  work  her  farm  on  shares. 
Why!  her  memory,  the  memory  of  a woman — who 
had  a Right — will  go  down  to  future  ages  as  one  to 
be  revered,  and  almost  worshiped.” 

But  if  you’ll  believe  it,  after  all  my  outlay  of  polite- 
ness, and  good  manners,  that  feller  acted  mad.  What 
under  the  sun  ailed  him  I don’t  know  to  this  day, 
unless  it  was  he  couldn’t  git  over  it — my  praising  up 
his  mother-in-law  so.  Some  men  are  at  such  sword’s 
pints  with  their  mother-in-laws  that  they  can’t  bear 
a word  in  their  favor.  But  I wasn’t  goin’  to  encour- 
age no  such  feelins  in  him,  and  I was  determined  to 


THE  FATHER  AND  MOTHER. 


517 


be  polite  myself,  to  the  last,  so  I says  in  conclusion  : 
‘‘  Good-bye,  Mr.  Lome,  give  my  best  respects  to  your 
motlier-iii-law.’’ 

He  give  me  a look  witherin’  enough  to  wither  me, 
if  I had  been  easy  withered,  which  I wasn’t.  And 
that  was  the  last  words  I said  to  him.  Jest  that  min- 
ute Josiah  come  in,  and  I told  him  that  I hadn’t  no 
idee  the  Marquis  of  Lome  was  such  a feller. 

Says  Josiah,  I don’t  believe  it  was  Mark,  it  was 
some  tyke  or  other  ; mebby  it  was  the  Widder’s  hired 
man.” 

I wouldn’t  contend  with  him,  but  I knew  what  I 
did  know.  I went  to  lookin’  at  some  of  the  other 
pictures.  There  was  faces  that  was  glad  and  happy, 
and  some  that  had  desolation  wrote  out  on  ’em. 
There  was  one  picture,  War  Times”  that  made  me 
feel  very  sad  f eelins ; an  old  man  loanin’  on  a rough 
stun  fence,  lookin’  over  the  lonely  winter  fields,  and 
thiiikin’  of  his  boys  away  on  the  field  of  death — the 
boys  that  made  the  old  farm  jubilant  with  their  happy 
voices  and  gay  young  faces.  You  can  see  it  all  in  the 
old  man’s  face — the  memory,  the  dread,  and  the 
lieartache.  And  then  there  was  another  one  La 
Kota,”  by  name  that  worked  on  my  feelins  dretfully. 
A mother  standin’  before  a foundlin’  hospital,  jest 
about  puttin’  her  baby  into  the  little  turnin’  box  in 
the  winder  that  would  turn  him  forever  from  his 
mother’s  arms  into  the  arms  of  charity,  which  are 
colder.  After  that  one  kiss  on  the  baby  face,  she 


518 


AFFECTIN'  PICTURES. 


/ 


would  never  see  him,  never  know  of  his  fate ; he 
would  be  as  lost  to  her  as  if  she  had  lost  him  in  the 
crowd  of  heavenly  childern  ; though  in  that  case  she 
would  know  where  he  was : safe  forever  from  sin  and 
misery,  and  here — how  could  she  tell  what  would  be 
the  baby’s  fate.  Oh,  how  bad  La  Eota  was  a feelin’ ; 
how  I did  pity  her. 

And  then  there  was  The  Prodigal,”  a cornin’  back 
in  rags,  and  misery,  and  remorse,  to  the  home  he  left 
in  his  pride  and  strength  ; and  to  see  that  old  father 
a waitin’  to  welcome  him,  and  the  feeble  old  mother 
bein’  helped  out  by  her  sons  and  daughters — a forgiv- 
in’  of  him.  Oh,  what  a idee  that  did  give  of  the  long 
sufierin’  and  patience  of  love. 

Finally,  my  eyes  fell  onto  a picture  that  affected  me 
more  than  any  I had  seen  as  yet.  The  name  on’t  was  : 

The  Lord  gave,  the  Lord  hath  taken  away.  Blessed 
be  the  name  of  the  Lord.”  They  had  gathered  round 
the  table  for  the  first  time  since  death  Iiad  been  there, 
and  the  minister  was  askin’  a blessin’.  A woman  sat 
at  the  head  of  the  table  with  her  hands  clasped  close, 
as  if  to  crush  back  her  agony ; her  face  white  and  thin 
from  watchin’  and  sorrow — jest  as  a certain  person’s 
would  be  if  it  was  Josiah, — her  eyes  bent  down,  jest 
as  if  she  could  not  look  at  that  vacant  chair.  On  one 
side  of  her  with  his  face  bent  down  in  grief,  was  a 
young  feller  about  the  age  of  Thomas  Jefferson;  on 
the  other  side,  a girl  about  the  age  of  Tirzah  Ann,  was 
kneelin’  right  down  by  the  table  a sobbin’  as  if  her 


MEMORIES  OF  LAYFAYETTE. 


519 


heart  would  break.  And  as  I looked  at  it  the  thought 
would  come  up,  though  I ordered  it  back,  What ! 
w^hat  if  it  was  Josiah  And  this  thought  rousted  up 
such  feelins  that  I couldn’t  control  ’em,  and  I turned 
round  instinctively  and  locked  arms  with  him,  and  we 
W’^ent  into  another  room. 

Presently,  or  about  that  time  we  found  ourselves  in 
the  French  Department.  I laid  out  to  pay  a good 
deal  of  attention  to  France,  whether  they  showed  off 
in  the  Main  Buildin’  or  Art  Gallery,  or  anywhere  ; 
because,  wherever  I stood  before  their  doins, — above 
all  the  beauty  and  grandeur  of  their  display,  I see 
with  my  mind’s  eye,  that  gallant  form  that  left  glory 
and  happiness  behind  him  to  come  with  army  and 
treasure  to  help  a strugglin’  land  to  freedom.  I see 
that  noble  face — not  middle-aged  and  brass-mounted 
as  he  looks  on  his  monument,  but  young  and  eager 
eyed — a standin’  on  the  vessel’s  keel,  (or  keeler)  a 
goin’  at  Liberty’s  call,  into  a Kew  World,  and  the  per- 
ils and  hardships  of  a camp ; and  wavin’  back  a good 
bye  to  the  gay  pleasures  of  his  youth,  to  rank,  and 
all  he  loved  best — his  sweetheart  and  his  native  land. 

I feel  most  skairt  to  say  it,  and  don’t  know  as  I 
ort  to,  but  somehow  I feel  a little  different  about 
Layfayette  from  what  I do  about  our  own  glorious 
Washington.  For  G.  W.  was  a fightin’  for  his  own 
land,  and  there  was  most  likely  a little  mite  of  selfish- 
ness mixed  up  with  his  noble  emotions,  (probable  not 
more  than  one  part  in  two  or  three  hundred)  but  in 


520 


FRENCH  PICTURES. 


this  noble  young  feller  these  wasn’t  a mite.  He  give 
all,  and  dared  all,  from  pure  love  of  Liberty,  and  sym- 
pathy for  the  oppressed.  And  so  France’s  hull  doins 
would  have  looked  good  to  me  anyway  for  his  sake. 
But  if  they  had  stood  up  on  their  own  merits  alone 
they  would 'have  stood  firm  and  solid  as  a hemlock 
post  newly  sot.  They  done  well,  clear  from  the  ceil- 
in’ down.  There  was  one  picture,  there  was  a great 
crowd  before,  and  amongst  the  rest  I see  the  Creation 
Searchers  ” a standin’  in  a row,  a gazin  up  at  it  with  a 
dissatisfied  though  nearly  wooden  expression  of  coun- 
tenance. The  picture  was  ^^Eizpah  Defendin’  the 
bodies  of  Saul’s  childern  from  the  Eagles ; ” it  affected 
me  terribly — I thought  of  Thomas  Jefferson.  The 
wild  desolation  of  the  spot,  the  great  beams  a risin’ 
out  of  the  rocks  with  the  seven  dead  bodies  a hangin’ 
up  in  the  air — left  there  to  die  of  hunger  and  agony,  — 
with  the  slow  death  of  agonizin’  horrer  wrote  out  on 
their  dead  faces  and  tlieir  stiffened  forms.  And 
beneath  them  standin’  with  her  yeller  dress  and  blue 
drapery  a fioatin’  back  from  her,  is  Rizpah,  fightin’ 
back  a huge  vulture  that  with  terrible  open  mouth 
and  claws  is  contendin’  with  her  for  the  bodies  of  her 
sons.  They  were  slain  to  avert  the  famine,  and  there 
is  in  her  face  the  strength  of  the  martyr,  and  the  en- 
ergy of  despair.  How  that  woman,  so  strong,  so 
heroic  by  nature  must  have  loved  her  tw^o  boys!  It 
was  a horrible,  scareful  picture  but  fearfully  impress- 
ive. When  I look  at  anything  very  beautiful,  or  very 


ARTISTICAL  CRITICISMS, 


521 


grand  and  impressive,  my  emotions  lift  me  clear  up 
above  speech.  I s’pose  the  higher  we  go  up  the  less 
talkin’  there  is  done.  Why  if  anybody  could  feel 
sociable  and  talkative  when  they  first  look  at  that 
picture,  I believe  they  could  swear,  they  wouldn’t  be 
none  too  good  for  it.  But  jest  at  that  minute  when 
I was  feelin’  so  awful  horrified,  and  lifted  up,  and 
curious,  and  sublime  and  everything,  I heerd  a voice 
sayin’  in  a pert  lively  tone,  but  very  scorfin’. 

That  haint  true  to  nater  at  all.” 

No,”  says  Solomon  Cypher  in  a complainin’,  fault- 
findin’  way,  “there’s  nothin’  natteral  about  it  at  all. 
Why  ! ” says  he  strikin’  himself  a eloquent  blow  in  the 
pit  of  his  stomach — “ why  didn’t  they  hang  the  scare- 
crows nearer  to  the  cornfield  ? ” 

“ And  I never,”  says  Cornelius  Cork,  a holdin’  his 
glasses  on  with  both  hands — for  his  nose  bein’  but 
small,  they  would  fall  off — “ I never  see  a crow  that 
looked  like  that ; it  haint  shaped  right  for  a crow.” 

“ The  perspective  of  the  picture  haint  the  right 
size,”  says  Shakespeare  Bobbet. 

“ The  tone  is  too  low  down,”  says  Solomon  Cypher; 
“ the  cheerful  obscure  is  too  big  and  takes  up  too 
much  room.” 

“ Cheerful  obscure,”  says  I in  witherin’  tones,  as  I 
looked  round  at  ’em. 

“ Don’t  you  think  we  know  what  we  are  a talkin’ 
about  Josiah  Allen’s  wife?  ” says  Solomon  Cypher. 

“I  wont  say  that  you  don’t,”  says  I “ for  it  wouldn’t 


522 


KEEPIN'  UP  REPUTATIONS. 


be  good  manners.”  I wouldn’t  stay  another  minute 
where  they  was,  and  I hurried  Josiah  out  tollin’  him 
Miss  Bean  would  be  a waitin’  for  us  at  the  Japan 
house.  I told  Josiah  on  our  way  that  them  Creation 
Searchers  ” fairly  sickened  me,  a runnin’  things  down, 
and  pretendin’  not  to  admire  ’em,  and  lookin’  wooden, 
and  findin’  fault. 

^^Well,”  says  Josiah,  ^Hhey  say  they  have  got  a 
reputation  for  wisdom  to  keep  up,  and  they  will  do  it.” 

^^They  are  keepin’  up  the  reputation  of  natteral 
fools,”  says  I warmly. 

Well,”  says  Josiah  with  that  same  triumphant  look 
to  his  mean  he  always  wore  when  we  talked  on  this 
subject,  ‘4f  there  haint  anything  in  it  Samantha,  why 
does  so  many  do  it  ? ” 

He  had  got  the  better  of  me  for  once,  and  he  knew 
it.  I knew  well  there  was  hundreds  of  folks  that  got 
up  on  big  reputation  in  jest  that  way,  so  I wouldn’t 
multiply  another  word  with  him,  for  I couldn’t. 

Josiah  said  he  wanted  to  look  at  a mowin’  machine, 
and  as  I hadn’t  been  to  the  Woman’s  Pavilion  only 
to  take  a cursory  view  of  it,  I thought  now  was  my 
time,  and  so  I went  through  it  with  a proud  and 
happy  heart.  Yes,  I can  truly  say  without  lyin’  that 
my  emotions  as  I went  through  that  buildin’  was 
larger  in  size  and  heftier  in  weight  than  any  emotions 
I had  enjoyed  sense  I had  been  to  the  Sentinah 
Peelin’  such  feelins  for  my  sect  as  I felt,  holdin’ 
their  honor  and  prosperity,  and  success  nearer  to  my 


IN  THE  WOMAN’S  PAVILION. 


523 


heart,  than  to  any  earthly  object,  (exceptin’  Josiah) 
I suppose  if  anybody  could  have  looked  inside  of  my 
mind  as  I wandered  through  them  rooms,  they  would 
have  seen  a sight  they  never  would  have  forgot  the 
longest  day  they  ever  lived ; I s’pose  it  would  have 
skairt  ’em  most  to  death  if  they  wasn’t  used  to  seein’ 
emotions  performin’.  Oh  ! such  proud  and  lofty 
feelins  as  I did  enjoy  a seein’  the  work  of  my  sect 
from  all  over  the  length  and  breadth  of  the  world. 
The  wonderful,  useful  inventions  of  the  sect,  showin’ 
the  power  and  solid  heft  of  her  brains;  the  beautiful 
works  of  art  showin’  her  creative  artist  soul,  and 
provin’  plain  the  healthy  and  vigorous  state  of  her 
imagination.  The  wonderful  wood  carvin’,  and  daintv 
fancy  needle  work,  and  embroideries  of  all  kinds  you 
can  imagine,  showin’  the  stiddy,  patient,  persistent 
powers  of  her  hands  and  fingers ; and  what  was  fur 
more  interestin’  to  me  of  all,  was  the  silent  exhibit  at 
the  south  entrance,  showin’  what  sort  of  a heart  she 
has  within  her,  a record  of  eight  hundred  and  twenty- 
two  large  noble  sized  charities,  organized  and  carried 
on  by  the  sect  wdiich  a certain  person  once  Smith,  is 
proud  to  say  she  belongs  to.  ^ 

Oh  ! I can  truly  say  that  I felt  perfectly  beautiful, 
a goin’  through  them  noble  halls,  a seein’  everything 
and  more  too,  (as  it  w^ere)  from  doll’s  shoes,  and  pic- 
tures of  poseys,  and  squirrels,  and  five  little  pigs,  up 
to  the  Vision  of  St.  Christopher,  and  a big  statute  of 
Eve  standin’  with  her  arm  over  her  face,  hidin’  the 


524: 


THE  BUTTER  WOMAN. 


shame  in  it.  There  was  Injun  basket  work,  perfectly 
beautiful,  and  settin’  by  the  side  of  it  weavin’  her 
baskets  sot  as  dignified  and  good  appearin’  a woman, 
(though  dark  complexioned)  as  any  nation  o£  the 
world  sent  to  the  Sentinal.  I bought  a little  basket 
of  her  right  there  on  the  spot,  for  I liked  her  looks, 
and  she  handed  me  out  her  card : 

Margaret  Kesiah,  Obkine  Injun  of  Canada. 

And  there  was  napkins,  the  linen  of  which  was 
wove  by  my  friend,  the  Widder  Albert;  and  as  I 
looked  at  ’em,  I thought  gently  to  myself : how 
many  wimmen  who  haint  got  a Eight,  and  don’t  want 
one,  could  spin  linen  equal  to  this?  And  then 
amongst  every  other  way  to  honor  and  glorify  my 
sect  that  could  be  thought  of,  there  was  a female 
woman  all  carved  out  of  butter.  I had  thought  in 
my  proud  spirited  hautiness  of  soul  that  I could  make 
as  handsome  butter  balls,  and  flower  ’em  off  as  nobby 
as  any  other  woman  of  the  age.  But  as  I looked  at 
that  beautiful  roll  of  butter  all  flattened  out  into  such 
a lovely  face,  I said  to  myself  in  Arm  axents,  though 
mild  : Samantha,  you  have  boasted  your  last  boast 
over  butter  balls.” 

There  was  some  bright  happy  pictures,  and  some 
that  wasn’t.  One  was  of  a sick  child  and  it’s  mother 
out  in  the  desert  alone  with  the  empty  water  jug 
standin’  by  ’em.  The  mother  holdin’  the  feeble  little 
hands,  and  weepin’  over  him.  Her  heart  was  a desert, 
and  she  was  in  a desert,  which  made  it  hard  for  her. 


THE  FEMALE  LECTURER. 


525 


and  hard  for  me  too,  and  I was  jest  puttin’  my  hand 
into  my  pocket  after  my  white  cotton  handkerchief, 
when  somebody  kinder  hunched  me  in  the  side,  and 
lookin’  round,  there  was  that  very  female  lecturer  I 
see  at  New  York  village.  Says  she : Come  out 
where  it  is  more  quiet,  Josiah  Allen’s  wife ; I want  to 
have  a little  talk  with  you.” 

She  looked  perfectly  full  of  talk,  but  says  I : I 
haint  only  jest  commenced  lookin’  round  at  the  splen- 
did doins  in  this  buildin’ says  I,  I don’t  want  to 
stir  out  of  this  house  for  13  or  14  hours.” 

Says  she,  ‘‘  You  can  come  again,  but  I must  have  a 
talk  with  you.” 

Says  I,  Feelin’  as  I do,  wont  you  excuse  me  mom  ? ” 

But  she  wouldn’t  excuse  me,  and  seein’  she  was 
fairly  sufferin’  to  talk,  1 led  the  way  to  a rendezvoo 
where  I promised  Josiah  to  be,  not  knowin’  how  long 
she  would  talk  when  she  got  at  it,  for — though  I am" 
very  close  mouthed  myself — I know  well  the  failins 
of  my  sect  in  that  respect.  The  very  moment  we 
sot  down  on  the  pleasant  and  secluded  bench  I took 
her  to,  she  begun : 

What  do  you  think  of  men  meetin’  here  to  cele- 
brate National  Independance  and  the  right  of  self- 
government,  when  they  hold  half  of  their  own  race 
in  political  bondage?” 

Says  I,  firmly,  I think  it  is  a mean  trick  in  ’em.” 

Says  she,  bitterly : Can’t  you  say  sunthin’  more 
than  that  ?” 


526 


QUEST10^S  AND  ANSWERS. 


Yes/’  says  I,  I can,  and  will ; it  is  mean  as 
pusly,  and  meaner.” 

Says  she,  What  do  you  think  of  their  meetin’  here 
and  glorifyin’  the  sentiment  up  to  the  heavens  in 
words,  ‘ true  government  consists  in  the  consent  of 
the  governed,  and  tramplin’  it  practically  down  to 
the  dust  under  their  feet  ? What  do  you  think  of 
this  great  ado  over  grantin’  the  makin’  of  our  laws  to 
the  Irishman  jest  out  of  prison,  whom  they  dislike 
and  despise — and  deny  in’  these  rights  to  intelligent, 
native-born  citizens,  whom  they  love  and  respect? 
What  do  you  think  of  their  taxin’  the  Christian  and 
earnest  souled  woman,  worth  half  a million,  and  leave 
it  to  men,  not  worth  the  shoes  they  wear  to  the  pole, 
the  ignorant,  and  the  vicious,  to  vote  how  that  money 
shall  be  used  ; she,  by  the  work  of  her  hands  or  brains, 
earnin’  property  to  be  used  in  this  way,  in  makin’  and 
enforcin’  laws  she  despises  and  believes  to  be  ruinous, 
and  unjust  in  the  sight  of  God  and  man.  What  do 
you  think  of  this  ? ” says  she. 

Says  I,  with  a calm  but  firm  dignity:  think 

pusly  is  no  meaner.”  ^ 

Oh^”  says  she,  turnin’  her  nose  in  the  direction 
of  the  Main  Buildin’  and  shakin’  her  brown  lisle  thread 
fist  at  it,  how  I despise  men  ! Oh,  how  sick  I be  of 
’em  ! ” And  she  went  on  for  a long  length  of  time,  a 
callin’  ’em  every  name  I ever  heerd  men  called  by, 
and  lots  I never  heerd  on,  from  brutal  whelps,  and 
roarin’  tyrants,  down  to  lyin’  sneakin’  snipes  ; and  for 


THE  MALE  SEX  DEFENDED. 


527 


every  new  and  awful  name  she’d  give  ’em,  I’d  think 
to  myself : why,  my  Josiah  is  a man,  and  Father  Smith 
was  a man,  and  lots  of  other  relatives,  and  4 fathers 
on  my  hither’s  side.  And  so  says  I : 

Sister,  what  is  the  use  of  your  runnin’  men  so  ?” 
says  I,  mildly,  it  is  only  a tirin’  yourself  ; you  never 
will  catch  ’em,  and  put  the  halter  of  truth  onto  ’em, 
while  you  are  a runnin’  ’em  so  fearfully  ; it  makes ’em 
skittish  and  baulky.”  Says  I,  Men  are  handy  in  a 
number  of  ways,  and  for  all  you  seem  to  despise  ’em 
so,  you  would  be  glad  to  holler  to  some  man  if  your 
horse  should  run  away,  or  your  house  git  a fire,  or 
the  ship  go  to  sinkin’,  or  anything.” 

Says  she,  Men  are  the  most  despiseable  creeters 
that  ever  trod  shoe  leather.” 

Well,”  says  I,  calml}^,  ^Hake  wimmen  as  a race, 
mom,  and  they  don’t  cherish  such  a deadly  aversion 
to  the  other  sect  as  you  seem  to  make  out  they  do  ; 
quite  the  reverse  and  opposite.  Why,  I have  seen 
wimmen  act  so,  a follerin’  of  ’em  up,  pursuin’  of  ’em, 
dingin’  to  ’em,  smilin’  almost  vacantly  at  ’em ; I 
have  seen  ’em  act  and  behave  till  it  was  more  sick- 
enin’ than  thoroughwort  to  my  moral  stomach.  Says 
I,  cherish  no  such  blind  and  almost  foolish  aflfec- 
tion  for  ’em  as  a sect,  (one,  I almost  worship)  but  I 
have  a firm,  reasonable,  meetin’-house  esteem  for  ’em, 
as  a race.  A calm,  firm  regard,  unmoved  and  stiddy 
as  a settin’  hen  ; I see  their  faults,  plainly,  very — as 

my  Josiah  will  testify  and  make  oath  to  ; and  I also  see 
21 


528 


WHAT  MEN  HAVE  DONE. 


their  goodnesses,  their  strength,  their  nobilities^  and 
their  generosities — which  last  named  are  as  much  more 
generous  than  ourn,  as  their  strength  is  stronger. 

Says  I,  ‘‘  Pause  a moment,  mom,  in  your  almost 
wild  career  of  runnin’  men  down,  to  think  what  they 
have  done ; look  round  the  world  with  your  mind’s 
eye,  and  see  their  work  on  land  and  sea.  See  the 
nations  they  have  founded  ; see  the  cities  stand  where 
there  used  to  be  a wilderness ; see  the  deserts  thev 
have  made  to  blossom  like  a rosy ; see  the  victories 
they  have  got  over  time  and  space, — talkin’  from  one 
end  of  the  world  to  the  other  in  a minute,  and  trav- 
ellin’  almost  as  quick,  through  mountains  and  under 
the  w^ater,  and  every  thing.  See  how  old  ocian  lier- 
self — who  used  to  roar  defiance  at  ’em — was  made  by 
’em  to  bile  herself  up  into  steam  to  git  the  victory 
over  herself.  And  in  spite  of  the  thunder  that  tried 
to  scare  ’em  out,  see  how  they  have  drawd  the  light- 
nin’  out  of  the  heavens  to  be  their  servant.  Look 
there,”  says  I,  pintiri’  my  forefinger  eloquently 
towards  the  main  Halls:  Machinery,  Agricultural — 
and  so  4th — ‘^see  the  works  of  that  sect  you  are  riin- 
nin’  so  fearfully ; see  their  time-conquerin’,  labor- 
savin’  inventions,  see — ” 

“ I won’t  see,”  says  she,  firmly,  and  bitterly.  1 
won’t  go  near  any  of  their  old  machines ; I’ll  stand 
by  my  sect.  I’ll  stick  to  the  Woman’s  Pavilion.  I 
haint  been  nigh  Machinery  Hall,  nor  the  Main  Build- 
in’,  nor  the  Art  Gallery,  nor  I won’t  neither.” 


PROUD  OF  JOSIAH. 


529 


“I  have,”  says  I,  in  triumphant,  joyful  tones,  ‘‘1 
have  been  lost  in’em  repeatedly,  and  expect  to  be  again. 
I have  been  destracted  and  melted  down  in  ’em,  and 
have  been  made  almost  perfectly  happy,  for  the  time 
bein’,  to  see  the  wonderful  fruits  of  men’s  intellects  ; 
the  labor  of  strong  heads  and  hearts ; to  see  the  works 
of  men’s  genius,  and  enterprise,  and  darin’;  the  useful, 
the  beautiful  and  grand,  the  heroic  and  sublime.  Why 
I have  been  so  lifted  up  that  I didn’t  know  but  I 
should  go  right  up  through  the  ruff,  (over  200  pounds 
in  all).  I have  been  elevated  and  inspired  as  I don’t 
expect  to  be  elevated  and  lifted  up  again  for  the  next 
100  years.  And  lookin’  round  on  what  I see,  and 
thinkin’  what  I thought,  it  made  me  so  proud  and 
happy,  that  it  was  a sweet  thought  to  me  that  my 
Josiah  was  a man.” 

Oh  shaw  !”  says  she,  you  had  better  be  a look- 
in’ at  the  Woman’s  Pavilion,  than  lookin’  on  what 
them  snipes  have  done.” 

Says  I,  Do  you  take  me  for  a natteral  fool  mom  ? 
Do  you  s’pose  I am  such  a fool  or  such  a luny,  that 
every  time  I have  looked  at  the  Woman’s  Pavilion, 
and  gloried  over  the  works  of  her  hands  and  brains,  1 
haint  felt  jest  so — only  more  so?”  Says  I,  ‘‘That 
buildin’  stands  there  to-day  as  a solid  and  hefty  proof 
that  wimmen  are  sunthin’  more  than  the  delicate,  and 
helpless  zephyrs  and  sernphines,  that  they  have  been 
falsely  pointed  out  to  be.  Says  I,  “ It  is  a great 
scientific  fact,  that  if  men  go  to  canterin’  blindly 


530  WHAT  THE  WIMMEN  HAVE  GOT  TO  DO. 

down  that  old  pathway  of  wiinmen’s  weakness  and 
unfitness  for  labor  and  endurance  and  inability  to 
meet  financikal  troubles  and  discouragements  again, 
they  must  come  bunt  up  ag’inst  that  buildin’  and 
recognize  it  as  a solid  fact,  and  pause  before  it  respect- 
fully, ponderin^  what  it  means,  or  else  fall.  They 
can’t  step  over  it,  their  legs  haint  long  enough.” 

And  says  I,  It  is  earnest  thought  and  work  that 
has  filled  it,  and  that  is  what  wimmen  want  to  do — to 
do  more,  and  say  less.  No  stream  can  rise  higlier 
than  its  fountain  ; a universe  full  of  laws  to  elevate 
wimmen  can’t  help  her,  unless  she  helps  herself. 
Suff’eragin’  will  do  a good  deal,  but  it  haint  a goin’  to 
fill  up  a empt}^  soul,  or  a vacant  frivolous  mind. 
There  are  thoughts  that  have  got  to  turn  right  square 
round  and  travel  another  road ; there  is  tattin’  and 
bobinet  lace  to  be  soared  over ; there  is  shoulder  blades 
that  has  got  to  be  put  to  the  wheel.  Every  flag  on 
the  buildin’  seems  to  float  out  like  good  deeds  and 
noble  eloquent  thoughts,  while  tlie  gabriel  ends  stand 
firm  under  ’em,  like  the  firm,  solid  motives  and  prin- 
ciples that  great  and  good  deeds  have  got  to  wave  out 
from,  in  order  to  amount  to  anything.” 

But,”  says  she,  the  mean  snipes  won’t  let  us  vote.” 

Says  I calmly,  That’s  so;  they  haint  willin’  all  on 
’em,  to  give  us  the  right  of  sufferagin’  jest  at  present, 
and  as  I have  said,  and  say  now,  it  is  mean  as  pusly 
in  ’em.  But  it  don’t  look  so  poor  in  them  as  it  does 
in  the  wimmen  that  oppose  it,  a fightin’  ag’inst  their 


HAMMERIN'  NO  USE. 


531 


own  best  interests.  It  seems  to  me  that  any  conscien- 
tious, intelligent  woman,  who  took  any  thought  for 
herself  and  her  sect,  would  want  a Eight  to — ” 

Here  she  liollered  right  out  interruptin’  me ; says 
she : Less  vote ! less  take  a hammer  and  go  at  the 
men,  and  make  them  let  us  vote  this  minute.” 

Says  I,  I’d  love  to  convince  men  of  the  truth, 
but  it  haint  no  use  to  take  a hammer  and  try  to 
knock  unwelcome  truths  into  anybody’s  head,  male  or 
female.  The  idee  may  be  good,  and  the  hammer 
maybe  a moral,  well  meanin’  hammer;  but  you  see 
the  dander  rises  up  in  the  head  that  is  bein’  hit,  and 
makes  a impenetrable  wall,  through  which  the  idee 
can’t  go ; that  is  a great  philosophical  fact,  that  can’t 
be  sailed  round,  or  climbed  over.  And  it  is  another 
deep  scientific  principle,  that  you  can’t  git  two  persons 
to  think  any  more  of  each  other  or  think  any  nearer 
alike  by  knockin’  their  heads  together.  Nobody  can 
git  any  water  by  breakin’  up  a chunk  of  ice  with  a 
axe ; not  a drop ; you  have  got  to  thaw  it  out  gradual ; 
jest  like  men’s  and  wim men’s  prejudices  in  the  cause 
of  Wiinmen’s  Eiglits.  Public  sentiment  is  the  warm 
fire  that  is  a goin’  to  melt  this  cold  hard  ice  of  injustice 
that  we  are  contendin’  ag’inst ; laws  haint  good  for 
much  if  public  opinion  don’t  stand  behind  ’em  pushin’ 
’em  onward  to  victory.” 

I wont  wait  a minute,”  says  she,  I will  vote.” 

But  I argued  with  her;  says  I:  Sister,  you  are 

well  meanin’,  no  doubt,  but  you  ort  to  remember  that 


532 


TAKE  PATTERN  OF  NATURE. 


the  battle  liaiiit  always  to  the  swift.’’  Says  I,  It 
wont  harm  none  of  us  to  foller  Nater’s  ways  a little 
more  close;  and  Nater  is  a female  that — if  she  is 
ruther  slow  motioned— generally  has  her  way  in  the 
end  to  an  uncommon  degree.  You  don’t  catch  her 
gittin’  mad,  wild,  impatient,  tearin’  open  a kernel  of 
corn,  or  grain  of  wheat,  or  anything,  and  growin’  a 
stalk  out  of  it  sudden  and  at  once.  No  ! jest  like  all 
patient  toilers  for  the  Right,  she  plants  the  seed,  and 
then  lets  it  take  time  to  swell  out,  and  git  full  to 
bustin’  with  its  own  convictions  and  desires  to  grow, 
till  it  gits  so  sick  of  the  dark  ground  where  it  is  hid, 
and  longs  so  for  the  light  and  the  free  air  above  it, 
that  it  can’t  be  kep’  back  a minute  longer,  but  soars 
right  up  of  its  own  free  will  and  accord,  towards  the 
high  heavens  and  the  blessed  sunlight.  But  if  seeds 
haint  good  for  nothin’,  they  wont  come  up  ; all  the  sun- 
shine and  rain  on  earth  can’t  make  ’em  grow,  nor  cul- 
tivators, nor  horse  rakes,  nor  nothin’. 

And  so  with  principles.  Lots  of  folks  spend  most  of 
their  days  a plantin’  seeds  that  wont  come  up.  What 
is  worthless  wont  amount  to  nothin’ — in  accordance 
with  that  great  mathematical  fact,  that  scientific  folks 
like  me  apply  to  lots  of  things,  and  find  that  it  comes 
right  every  time — that  ort  from  ort  leaves  nothin’, 
and  nothin’  to  carry.  But  if  the  idee  is  true  and 
has  got  life  in  it,  no  matter  how  dark  the  mould  that 
covers  it,  it  is  morally  bound  to  sprout — positively 
bound  to,  and  can’t  be  hindered.  Don’t  you  know, 


GOOD  SEED  WILL  SURELY  SPRING  UP.  533 


when  a big  forest  has  been  cut  down,  berry  bushes 
will  spring  right  up,  seem  to  have  stood  all  ready  to 
spring  up  for  the  refreshin’  of  men  and  wimmen  jest 
as  quick  as  the  shadders  of  the  tall  trees  had  got  offen 
’em ; curious,  but  so  it  is.  Who  knows  how  many  cen- 
turies them  seeds  have  laid  there  a waitin’  their  time 
to  grow,  gittin’  sick  of  the  shadders  mebby,  but  jest  a 
waitin’  with  considerable  patience  after  all. 

And  thinkin’  of  these  things  mom,  ort  to  make  us  con- 
siderable patient  too,  willin’  to  work,  and  willin’  to 
wait ; knowin’  that  gittin’  mad  and  actin’  haint  a goin’ 
to  help  us  a mite ; knowin’  that  the  seeds  of  good 
and  right,  planted  with  tears  and  prayers,  are  bound  to 
spring  up  triumphant ; knowin’  that  the  laughin’ 
and  cold  sneers  of  the  multitude  haint  a goin’  to  frost 
bite  ’em  ; knowin’  that  the  tears  of  weakness,  and 
weariness,  and  loneliness,  failin’  from  human  eyes 
over  the  hoe  handle  in  plantin’  time,  only  moistens 
the  sod,  and  kinder  loosens  it  up  first-rate.  And  that 
even  the  ashes  of  persecution,  and  all  the  blood  that 
falls  in  righteous  cause,  only  nourishes  the  snowy 
flowers  and  golden  grain  of  the  future.  Mebby  it  is 
our  mission  to  clear  away  trees  and  stumps — sort  o’ 
wood  choppers,  or  sawyers — I don’t  care  a mite  what  I 
am  called.  We  may  never  see  the  seed  spring  up; 
we  may  not  be  here  when  it  breaks  through  the  dark 
mould  triumphant ; but  somebody  will  see  it ; happy 
skies  will  bend  over  it ; happy  hearts  will  hail  it ; 
and  if  Freedom,  Truth,  and  Justice  is  remembered, 


634 


VISITIN^  KELICS. 


what  matters  it  if  Josiah  Allen’s  wife  is  forgotten.” 
Says  she,  I will  hammer  ’em,” 

I declare  for’t  I had  forgot  where  I was,  and  who  I 
was,  and  who  she  was,  and  who  Josiah  was — I was 
carried  away  such  a distance  by  my  emotions.  But 
her  remark  soared  up  like  a brass  pin  or  a tack  nail, 
and  pierced  my  wrapped  mood.  I see  I hadn’t  con- 
vinced her,  her  eyes  looked  wild  and  glarin’. 

Well,”  says  I,  if  you  do  you  will  probable  have 
the  worst  of  it,  besides  injurin’  the  hammer.” 

Jest  at  that  very  minute  I see  Josiah  a cornin’,  and 
I watched  that  beloved  and  approachin’  form  for 
mebby  half  or  two  thirds  of  a minute,  and  when  I 
looked  round  again  she  was  gone,  and  I was  glad  on’t; 
I never  liked  her  looks.  And  in  a few  minutes  Miss 
Bean  come  too,  and  says  she  ; Don’t  you  want  to 
go  and  see  some  relicks  ? ” 

Says  I,  ‘^1  haint  particular  either  way.  Bein’  a 
respectable  married  woman  with  a livin’  pardner  of 
my  own,  I shant  make  no  move  either  way,  I shant 
run  towards  ’em  or  from  ’em.  Havin’  lived  a vege- 
table widow  for  so  many  years,  I s’pose  you  feel 
different  about  relicks.” 

f 

Says  she,  I mean  relicks  from  Jerusalem  and 
other  old  places,  made  out  of  wood  from  Mount  Olive, 
and  the  cross,  and  the  Holy  Sepulchre,  and  so  4th.” 
And  then  she  kinder  whispered  to  me  : “ They  do  say 

that  they  have  used  up  more  than  ten  cords  of  stove- 
wood  right  here  in  the  village  of  Filadelphy,  a makin’ 


GEO.  WASHINGTON’S  THINGS. 


535 


relicks  for  Turks  to  sell — Turks  right  from  Ireland.’’ 
Says  she,  If  on  are  so  awful  patriotic  you  ort  to  see 
George  Washington’s  clothes,  and  old  Independence 
Hall,  and  Liberty  bell.” 

Says  I in  agitated  axents : Cousin  Bean  has  George 
Washington  got  any  clothes  here  to  the  Sentinal  ? ” 

‘^Yes,”  says  she,  ^Hhey  are  in  the  United  States 
Government  Buildin’.” 

I gripped  holt  of  her  hand,  and  says  I,  ^^Lead  me 
there  instantly  ! ” and  she  led  the  way  to  the  buildin’. 

But  though  I see  everything  on  my  way  and  more 
too  seeminly,  I didn’t  seem  to  sense  anything  as  it 
should  be  sensed,  till  I stood  before  them  relicks; 
and  then,  oh ! what  feelins  I did  feel  as  I see  that 
coat  and  vest  that  George  had  buttoned  up  so  many 
times  over  true  patriotism,  truthfulness,  and  honor. 
When  I see  the  bed  he  had  slept  on,  the  little  round 
table  he  had  eat  on,  the  wooden  bottomed  chair  he 
had  sot  down  on,  the  belluses  he  had  blowed  the  fire 
with  in  cold  storms  and  discouragements ; and  then 
to  see  the  bed  quilts  worked  by  his  own  mother, 
and  to  think  what  powerful  emotions,  what  burnin’ 
plans,  what  eager  hopes,  and  what  dark  despairs  they 
had  covered  up  in  76.  And  then  to  see — a lay  in’  on 
the  bed — the  cane  that  Benjamin  give  to  George,  and 
to  see  George’s  glasses  and  candle  stick,  and  trunks 
and  etcetery.  Why,  they  all  rousted  up  my  mind  so, 
that  I told  Josiah  I must  see  Independance  Hall  be- 
fore I slept,  or  I wouldn’t  answer  for  the  consequences. 

21* 


536 


INDEPENDANCE  HALL. 


I was  fearfully  rousted  up  in  iny  mind,  as  much  so  as 
if  my  emotions  had  been  all  stirred  up  with  that  little 
hatchet  that  G.  W.  couldn’t  tell  a lie  with. 

Leavin’  Miss  Bean,  we  started  off  for  Independance 
Hall.  What  feelins  I felt,  as  I stood  in  the  room  where 
our  4 fathers  signed  the  papers  givin’  their  childern 
liberty ; where  them  old  fathers  signed  the  deed  with- 
out flinchin’  a hair,  though  they  well  knew  that  it  had 
got  to  be  sealed  red  with  their  blood.  To  stand  on 
that  very  floor — kinder  checkered  off — that  they  had 
stood  on,  to  see  them  very  chairs  that  they  had  sot 
in,  and  then  to  see  their  brave,  heroic  faces  a lookin’ 
down  on  me — I felt  strange,  curious.  And  there  was 
that  old  bell  that  had  rung  out  the  old  slavery  and 
oppression,  and  rung  in  the  new  times  of  freedom  and 
liberty.  My  emotions  tuckered  me  out  so  that  when  I 
got  to  sleep  that  night,  I was  dreamin’  that  I was  upon 
the  top  of  that  bell  a swingin’  over  the  land,  soarin’ 
right  back  and  forth  ; a swingin!  back  into  them  times 
that  tried  men’s  and  wimmen’s  souls,  and  then  forth 
again  into  the  glorious  nineteenth  century.  I had 
a awful  time  of  it,  and  so  did  Josiah,  and  I wouldn’t 
go  through  it  again  for  a dollar  bill,  and  Josiah  says 
he  wouldn’t. 


ANOTHER  DAY  ON  THE  GROUNDS, 


The  next  mornin’  we  got  onto  the  grounds  early 
and  took  a short  tower  through  the  Main  Build- 
in’  when  Josiah  says  to  me  all  of  a sudden : 

^^Less  go  and  be  elevated  Samantha!” 

Says  I,  ^^What  do  you  mean,  Josiah  Allen  ? ” I 
was  skairt ; I thought  he  was  goin’  the  way  of  lunys. 

‘‘Why,”  says  he  “ I mean  less  go  and  be  elevated  up 
in  the  elevator.” 

“ Oh  1”  says  I,  “ I thought  you  wanted  me  to  go 
and  git  intoxicated  with  you.” 

1 didn’t  blame  Josiah,  for  I knew  it  was  a princi- 
ple implanted  in  his  sect  to  see  all  they  could  see, 
but  still  I hung  back;  I didn’t  feel  like  it;  somehow 
I didn’t  feel  like  bein’  elevated ; and  knowin’  what 
would  be  the  strongest  argument  to  bear  onto  him,  I 
mentioned  the  expense,  but  he  argued  back  again : 

“ Ten  cents  won’t  make  or  break  ns.  Do  less  be 
elevated  Samantha ; come  on,  less.” 

537 


538 


JOJSIAH  GITS  SURLY. 


So  seein’  he  was  determined  on’t,  we  went  back 
again  into  the  Main  Buildin’  and  was  elevated.  And 
what  a sight  that  was  that  was  spread  out  below  us. 
Never  shall  I forget  it  while  memory  sets  up  in  her 
high  chair.  As  I looked  on  it  all,  I couldn’t  think  of 
but  jest  one  thing,  how  the — the — D — D — David  took 
the  Master  up  on  a high  mountain,  and  showed  him 
all  the  kingdoms  and  glory  of  the  world,  and — Josiah 
liunched  me  jest  then  and  says  he  : Haint  you  glad 

I took  you  up  here,  Samantha  ?” 

And  then  I told  him  what  I was  thinkin’  of,  and  he 
didn’t  seem  to  like  it ; he  wanted  to  know  in  a 
cross,  surly  tone  if  I was  a hingin’  on  him ; ” I 
told  him  I wasn’t. 

And  then  we  traipsed  around  to  see  several  other 
things,  until  I was  tired  completely  out.  I thought 
seein’  so  much  would  sort  o’  quiet  Josiah  down,  but 
it  only  made  him  more  rampant  to  see  more ; he 
wanted  to  see  some  wild  beasts ; he  said  he  wanted  to 
go  to  the  bear  pits. 

Says  I , “ / don’t  want  to  see  any  wild  beasts.” 

Well,”  says  he,  ^‘you  set  down  here  and  rest,  and 
I will  come  back  in  half  an  hour  or  three  quarters.” 

So  he  left  me,  and  soon  after,  I thought  I would 
saunter  around  the  grounds  all  alone  by  myself,  and 
while  doin’  so,  1 arrove  at  the  same  fountain  I and 
Josiah  had  looked  upon  several  days  previous ; where 
the  beautiful  girls  was  upholdin’  the  platter  on  which 
the  water  was  a failin’ ; and  as  my  eyes  fell  upon  it, 


JOSIAH  SEES  THE  BEAR  PITS. 


539 


they  also  fell  upon  the  form  of  my  Josiah,  a gazin’ 
upon  the  female  hggers  in  wrapped  attention. 

But  as  I have  remarked  once  before  (I  believe,)  I 
haint  a jealous 
but  I can’t 

him  firmly  by 

‘‘What  are 
Josiah  Allen  ? 

He  was  awf 
it’s  wonderful 
will  turn  oflP  an 
thing.  Says  hi 
“ I was  a admi 
in’  the  w a t e ; 

Samantha,  ho 
beautiful  it  bil 
up  and  then  fa] 
down  into  th 
platter.”  A n 
he  turned  roun 
to  the  fountai] 

Says  I,  “Josiah  Allen,  are  these  the  wild  beasts, 
is  this  the  bear  pit  you  wanted  to  see  ? ” And  I added 
in  dry  tones  : “You  had  better  hereafter  remain  near 
your  pardner.”  And  I led  him  away.  We  sauntered 
along  for  some  time,  but  Josiah  was  dretful  uneasy. 
1 never  see  him  so  restless;  and  anon,  says  he:  “I 
feel  to-day,  somehow,  Samantha,  jest  like  raeanderin.” 


54:0 


JOSIAH  MEANDERS. 


1 see  it  was  no  use  to  restrain  him,  and  says  I : 

"Well,  you  can  keep  right  on  a meanderin’,  but  I 
can’t  meander  another  step.  ” Says  I — wipin’  my 
heated  forward  on  my  white  cotton  handkerchief — 
I have  meandered  too  much  now  for  my  own  good, 
and  I must  go  to  some  quiet  spot,  where  I can  rest 
both  my  limbs  and  the  eyes  of  my  spectacles,  for  they 
are  both  fearfully  weary.  I must  have  a little  quiet, 
Josiah  Allen.” 

Says  he,  How  will  you  git  holt  of  any  quiet  here, 
Samantha  ? ” 

Says  I,  I have  heerd  it  is  to  be  obtained  down  in 
the  raven  between  this  Hall  and  the  Artemus  Gal- 
lery so  he  said  he  would  meet  me  there  in  a couple 
of  hours,  and  started  off.  The  raven  (probable  so 
called  from  ravens  bein’  found  there  in  the  past)  is 
perfectly  delightful.  A brook  goes  laughin’  througli 
it ; there  is  beautiful  shady  walks  and  bridges,  easy 
benches  are  to  be  found  under  the  great  noble  forest 
trees,  and  there  is  green  grass,  and  ferns,  and  daisies, 
and  a spring  with  a tin-dipper.  It  is  a lovely  place, 
and  I sot  down  feelin’  first-rate.  Nobody’s  arms,  not 
even  the  most  trained  nurses,  can  rest  a tired  baby  so 
well  as  its  mother’s ; nobody  can  rest  the  weary,  and 
fatigued  out  like  Nater.  I hadn’t  been  there  more’n 
2 minutes  before  I begun  to  feel  rested  off,  and  as  it 
is  my  way  to  do,  I begun  to  think  deeply  and  allegore 
to  myself.  Thinks’es  I,  here  I be  in  Pennsylvany ; 
and  then  I went  to  thinkin’  of  Penn, — thought  what 


THE  NOBLE  PENN. 


541 


a lioble,  good  man  lie  was ; tliinks’es  I,  no  wonder  the 
Pennsylvanyans  have  prospered  ; no  wonder  the  Sen- 
tinal  stands  firm,  for  they  all  stand  on  ground  hon- 
estly bought  from  their  true  owners,  by  that  noble 
Penn,  and  paid  for. 

And  then  I thought  a sight  about  Penn  ; how  firm 
his  scalp  always  stood,  how  peaceful  his  frontiers  was, 
and  I wondered  if  there  would  be  so  much  Injun 
difficulty  if  the  spirit  of  honesty,  justice,  and  truth, 
that  he  showed  to  the  Injuns,  could  be  showed  to  ’em 
now.  Anyway,  as  I sot  there,  I wished  eloquently 
to  myself,  that  when  he  ascended  to  the  Heavens  pre- 
pared for  just  men,  his  mantilly  could  have  fell  onto 
the  men  who  make  our  laws,  and  could  be  wore  now 
in  Washington  by  them,  and  laid  gracefully  accrost 
the  Injun  Buro. 

I was  just  a thinkin’  this  to  mj^self  when  I see  a 
dretful  pleasant  lookin’  lady  come  and  set  down  on  a 
bencli  only  a little  ways  from  me.  She  had  such  a 
good  look  onto  her  that  I says  to  a man  who  happened 
to  be  a goin’  by  where  I sot,  Can  you  tell  me  who 
that  lady  is  ? ” “ Mrs.  Ulysses  Grant,”  says  he.  Not 
she  that  was  Julia  Dent  ?”  says  I.  ^^Yes,”  says  he. 
I walked  right  up  to  her  and  says  I — holdin’  out  my 
band  in  a warm  and  affectionate  manner : 

How  do  you  do,  Julia  ? I am  highly  tickled  to 
see  you  ; how  does  the  baby  do — and  how  does  Mr. 
Dent’ses  folks  do  ? Are  they  all  so  as  to  be  about 
says  I,  “ I am  Josiah  Allen’s  wife.” 


542 


THE  PRESIDENT’S  WIFE. 


Oh  ! says  she,  have  heerd  my  husband  speak 
of  you.”  And  she  shook  hands  with  me,  and  made 
room  on  the  bench  for  me  to  set  down  by  her. 

Yes,”  says  I,  I rescued  him  when  he  called  for 
peace  and  couldn’t  find  it ; I had  the  honor  of  savin’ 
him  from  pain  and  Betsey  Bobbet.”  I thought  I 
would  explain  it  to  her,  though  she  didn’t  act  jealous 
a mite.  But  it  is  always  best  to  explain  to  wimmen 
jest  what  business  you  and  her  pardner  have  been 
talkin’  about.’  It  may  save  some  bad  feelin’  towards 
you,  and  some  curtain  lectures  for  him. 

Says  I,  ‘‘  I had  a talk  with  your  husband  in  the 
cause  of  Right,  and  advised  the  Nation  promiscously 
through  him.  But  there  was  several  other  things  I 
wanted  to  say,  but  I see  he  was  gittin’  hungry,  and 
so,  of  course,  fractious  and  worrysome,  and  I stopped 
in  a minute,  for  1 well  know  there  is  a time  to  advise 
men,  and  a time  to  refrain  from  it.”  Says  I,  Wim- 
men who  have  had  a man  to  deal  with  for  any  length 
of  time,  learn  to  take  advantage  of  times  and  seasons.” 

I see  by  her  looks  she  didn’t  want  no  tutorin’  on 
that  subject — she  haint  nobody’s  fool.  Says  she, 
What  did  you  want  to  speak  to  my  husband  about  ?” 
Says  I,  “ I wanted  to  talk  to  him  more  about  the 
Injuns.” 

Says  she,  My  husband  has  honestly  tried  to  do 
the  best  he  could  with  ’em.” 

Says  I,  “ I believe  it  Julia;  I believe  it  from  nearly 
the  bottom  of  my  heart.” 


TOUGH  ON  THE  OBSTACLES. 


543 


Says  she,  They  are  a low,  dirty,  degraded  race.” 

Says  I,  It  hairit  reasonable  to  expect  to  git  high- 
toned  virtues  and  principles  from  ignorance  and  super- 
stition. Think  of  minds  narrowed  down  to  one  thought, 
by  a total  lack  of  culture  and  objects  of  interest ; 
think  of  their  constant  broodin’  over  the  centuries  of 
wrongs  they  think  they  have  endured  from  the  white 
race ; and  wliat  wonder  is  it  that  this  spirit  flames  out 
occasionally  in  deeds  that  make  the  world  shudder. 
And  then,  people  will  shet  their  eyes  to  the  causes 
that  led  to  it,  and  lift  up  their  hands  in  horrer,  and 
cry  out  for  extermination.” 

Says  Julia,  It  is  Destiny  ; it  is  the  wave  of  civili- 
zation and  progress  that  is  movin’  on  from  the  East 
to  the  West.  The  great  resistless  wave  whose  rush 
and  might  nothin’  can  withstand.  Rushin’  grandly 
on^vard,  sweepin’  down  all  obstacles  in  its  path.” 

Says  I,  Julia,  that  is  a sublime  idee  of  yourn, 
very  sublime,  and  dretful  comfortin’  to  the  waves ; 
but  let  me  ask  you  in  a friendly  way,  haint  it  a little 
tough  on  the  obstacles  ? ” 

She  said  that  it  was,  though  she  hadn’t  never  looked 
at  it  so  much  in  that  light  before. 

‘‘Yes,”  says  I,  “I  know  jest  how  it  is;  you  have 
looked  at  the  idee  with  the  eye  of  a wave.  But  that 
wont  do,  Julia;  when  we  look  at  an  idee  we  must 
look  at  it  from  more  than  one  side;  we  must  look  at 
it  with  several  pair  of  eyes  in  order  to  git  the  right 
liglit  onto  it;  ” says  I,  “I  don’t  blame  you  for  lookin’ 


544 


LOOK  AT  BOTH  SIDES. 


at  it  with  the  eye  of  a wave — a noble,  sublime  eye, 
full  of  power,  and  might,  and  glory,  calm  and  stiddy 
as  eternity.  And  then  to  be  fair,  we  ort  to  look  at 
it  with  the  eye  of  a obstacle,  pleadin’,  and  frightened, 
and  melancholly,  with  a prophecy  of  coinin’  doom. 
And  when  we  s’posen  the  case,  it  wont  do  for  us  to 
s’posen  ourselves  waves  all  the  hull  time,  we  must,  in 
order  to  be  just,  s’posen  ourselves  obstacles  part  of 
the  time.  And  s’posen  you  was  a obstacle,  Julia, 
and  your  Ulysses  was  one,  and  s’posen  I was  one,  and 
my  Josiah  was  another  one ; this  wouldn’t  hinder  us 
from  bein’  faint  when  we  hadn’t  nothin’  to  eat;  and 
our  legs  from  achin’  when  we  had  been  drove  clear 
from  the  Atlantic  to  the  Pacific ; and  our  hearts  from 
greivin’  when  we  was  forced  from  our  homes  to  let  our 
enemies  live  there;  and  our  eyes  from  rainin’  fioods 
of  tears  when  they  see  our  loved  ones  failin’  by  our 
side  for  defendin’  our  homes  from  what  we  look  upon 
as  a invader.  It  wouldn’t  hinder  our  hearts  from 
breakin’  when  we  was  drove  off  and  denied  the  right 
even  to  weep  over  the  graves  where  our  hopes  was  a 
lyin’  buried  up  with  our  beloved  obstacles.” 

Julia  was  almost  in  tears,  but  she  reminded  me 
that  they  only  used  the  land  for  low,  triflin’  pursuits ; 
such  as  huntin’  and  other  worthless  amusements ; that 
we  put  it  to  better  use. 

Says  I,  Julia,  I haint  a denyin’  of  it,  I haint  said, 
and  I haint  a goin’  to  say  that  it  wasn’t  necessary  to 
plough  up  and  smooth  out  their  graveyards  to  make 


THE  WATEES  LAMENT  FOR  THE  INJUNS.  545 


race  courses  and  base  ball  and  crokay  grounds  for 
our  nobler  race  ; I liaint  denied  it ; I was  only  remind- 
in’ you,  that  it  seemed  to  be  uncommon  tough  on  ’em  ; 
that  is  all.  I think  on  ’em  a sight ; ” says  I,  how 
they  used  to  own  the  liull  of  this  continent;  a friend- 
ly, peaceable  set  Columbus  said  they  was ; would  have 
done  anything  for  him,  knelt  right  down  and  wor- 
shipped him,  they  was  so  glad  to  see  him.  It  seems 
sort  o’  pitiful  to  me,  to  think  they  looked  with  such 
reverent  admirin’  eyes  on  the  cornin’  race  that  w^as 
to  destroy  ’em  ; knelt  down  and  kissed  the  white 
hands  that  was  to  strike  ’em  such  fearful  blows ; 
thought  they  come  right  down  from  lieaven ; and  how 
soon  they  didn’t  think  so — how  soon  they  thought 
they  come  from  a different  place.  I s’pose  they  was 
a simple,  well  meanin’,  childlike  lot,  livin’  so  near  to 
Nater,  that  they  got  nearer  to  her  heart  than  we  can 
ever  think  of  gittin’.  And  the  mountains  and  waters 
cling  to  their  names  yet ; it  seems  as  if  they  don’t 
forget  ’em ; the  Alleghany’s  seem  to  be  a liftin’  up 
their  heads  a lookin’  for  the  Alleghanies  and  wonder- 
in’ what  has  become  of  ’em.  The  Deleware  seems  to 
be  a rushin’  along  clear  to  the  sea,  a huntin’  for  the 
Delewares ; and  Huron  and  Erie  git  fairly  mad,  and 
storm  and  rage  a hollerin’  for  the  Hurons  and  Eries; 
and  old  Ontario,  I never  see  her  but  what  she  seems 
to  be  a murmurin’  and  whisperin’  sunthin’  about  the 
Ontarios;  her  blue  waters  have  a sort  of  a mournful 
sound  to  me ; a nevermore  sounds  in  the  wave  as  it 


546 


LOVE  BEFORE  FRIENDSHIP. 


swashes  up  on  the  beach,  as  if  it  was  a cryin^  out  to 
me,  askin’  me  what  we  have  done  with  ’em.  Her 
great  breast  seems  to  be  a heavin’  up  and  sithin’  for 
the  fate  of  them  whose  canoes  used  to  float  on  her 
bosom — them  light  canoes  that  have  floated  otf  fur- 
ther and  further,  till  pretty  soon  the  last  one  will 
float  off  into  that  ocian  whose  further  shore  we  haint 
never  seen.” 

Says  Julia,  will  speak  to  my  husband  on  the 
subject  at  once.” 

Says  I,  So  do ; and  choose  the  time  when  he  is 
cleverer  than  common,  jest  as  I would  deal  with  my 
Josiah.” 

Then  I told  her,  that  I would  be  glad  to  stay  right 
by  her  all  the  afternoon,  I felt  such  a friendship 
for  her  but,  says  I,  j^ou  know  Julia  that  even 
respect  and  admiration,  when  they  come  in  conflict 
with  love,  have  to  stand  back ; and  my  companion  I 
know  is  almost  famishin’  with  hunger,  and  1 have 
got  the  key  to  the  satchel  bag  containin’  our  luncli ; ” 
and  says  I,  you  know  what  ravages  hunger  makes 
in  a man.”  She  said  she  knew  it  well  and  that  I was 
perfectly  excusable.  And  I bid  her  good-bye  and 
started  on  towards  the  place  where  I promised  to 
meet  my  Josiah.  I found  him  a watchin’  the  satchel 
bag,  with  a gloomy  and  fractious  face,  but  after  he 
eat,  he  looked  well  and  happy  again.  His  plan  for 
the  afternoon  was  to  see  all  the  live  stock  on  the 
ground,  all  the  iron  work,  the  mineral  annex,  the 


THE  HAPPY  LAND. 


547 


war-like  preparations  of  the  different  nations,  their 
ships  and  farmin’  tools,  the  dairy,  brewery,  the 
model  of  Paris,  the  newspaper  offices,  the  light- 
houses, cheese  factory,  wagon  shops,  wind  mills  and 
the  different  tarverns,  and  he  sot  right  out. 

The  statement  of  his  plan — added  to  my  meanderins 
and  outlay  of  eloquence — had  wearied  me  nearly  out, 
but  I knew  well  where  to  go  and  git  rested.  I knew 
what  could  take  me  right  up — though  my  heft  was 
great — and  waft  me  off  into  a land  where  weariness 
was  never  admitted  through  its  gate,  where  pain  and 
tiredness  and  care  never  climbed  over  its  fence.  I 
didn’t  know  whether  to  go  and  be  lifted  up  to  this 
beautiful  realm  by  the  music  in  the  glen,  or  the 
piano  and  organ  concert  in  the  Main  Buildin’;  but 
finally  I chose  the  latter.  And  seatin’  my  body  on  a 
seat  I peacefully  left  this  weary  world,  and  for  about 
a half  or  three  quarters  of  an  hour  I was  a triumphant 
and  blessed  citizen  of  that  other  world  which  is  so 
near  to  ours  that  we  can  be  transported  to  it  in  half  a 
moment,  and  so  fur  off  that  no  one  can  ever  find  the 
path  a leadin’  to  it,  or  tell  how  it  is  bounded,  or  how 
big  it  is,  or  who  made  it,  or  why  it  was  made,  or  any- 
thing. But  that  it  is  a land  of  entrancin’  beauty  and 
delight,  that  all  know;  and  I don’t  know  but  I 
should  have  lingered  in  it  all  day,  if  a rollin’  chair 
containin’  a woman  hadn’t  rolled  riglit  onto  me  as  I 
sot  on  the  end  of  the  seat ; and  bein’  rousted  up  and 
brought  down  to  the  world  again,  thinks’es  I,  I will 


148  SAMANTHA  TRIES  THE  ROLLIN^  CHAIR. 


take  a short  roll  round  the  buildin’  myself.  So  I 
beconed  to  a young  feller  whose  chair  a lady  had  jest 
got  out  of,  and  took  her  place;  but  the  move  wasn’t 

a happyfyin’  one  to  me  ; I got 
to  thinkin’ ; thinks’es  I who 
knows  where  he’ll  roll  me  ofi 
to — no  knowin’  but  what  all  of 
a sudden  he’ll  take  a start  and 
clear  out  of  sight. 
I put  in  a ap- 
pearance  of 
calm,  and  I 
^ thought  I’d  try 
to  stand  it  a 
little  longer, 
for  I knew  he’d 
think  strange 
my  gittin’  out 
so  soon.  But  I 
couldn’t  seem 
to  sense  a thing 
; I see ; I kep’  a 
thinkin’  of  Jo- 
siah  and  the 
peril  he  was  in 
mebby ; I turned  round  and  looked  at  the  chap,  and  I 
mistrusted  he  looked  sort  o’  wild  out  of  his  eye;  and 
I told  him  in  agitated  axents  that  if  he  was  willin’,  I’d 
pay  him  for  the  hull  hour  I bargained  for,  and  git  out 


A SHORT  ROLL. 


MOSES  AND  TEMPERANCE. 


549 


on  the  spot.  He  seemed  willin’,  and  I descended 
down  out  of  the  chair — and  was  glad  of  the  chance. 

Then  I went  and  sot  down  on  a bench  by  the  noble 
fountain  of  Moses  and  Temperance,  and  I was  episod- 
in’  to  myself  what  a hard  time  Mr.  Moses  did  have 
in  the  wilderness,  and  how  he  made  water  flow  out  of 
a rock.  And  I wondered  dreamily  if  he  was  here 
now  if  he  wouldn’t  have  to  give  a harder  knock 
ag’inst  rocky  hearts  and  the  rocks  of  selflshness  and 
custom,  before  he  made  water  flow  instead  of  likker; 
when  first  I knew,  Josiah  come  and  sot  right  down 
by  me,  and  says  he:  ^^You  know  I told  you  this 
mornin’  Samantha,  about  the  ‘ Creation  Searchers^  all 
wanderin’  off  last  night  a searchin’  round  and  gittin’ 
lost  again,  and  how  Shakespeare  Bobbet  estimated 
that  they  had  travelled  in  the  neighborhood  of  one 
hundred  and  forty  miles,  and  that  he  thought  his 
father  and  old  Dagget  would  be  bed  rid  for  life ; 
and  how  that  Shakespeare  had  shipped  ’em  home 
this  mornin’  by  car  load — he  goin’  along  to  lift  ’em 
round,  and  keep  ’em  together — all  but  Solomon 
Cypher,  Cornelius  Cork,  and  the  Editor  of  the  Auger.” 
Yes,”  says  I,  you  told  me  of  it,  but  what  of  it  ? ” 
Well,”  says  he,  the  three  ‘ Creation  Searchers  ’ that 
was  left  are  in  jail.” 

“In  jail,  Josiah  Allen?” 

“Yes,  in  jail  for  playin’  horse  and  disturbin’  the 
peace.  Sam  Snyder  has  jest  told  me  the  particulars. 
They  got  to  thinkin’  I s’pose,  how  many  scrapes  they 


550  the  - creation  searchers”  git  drunk. 

had  got  into  sense  they  was  here  as  a body  ; how 
much  money  they  had  lost,  and  how  much  fun  had 
been  made  of  ’em ; and  they  seemed  to  lose  every 
mite  of  dignity,  and  every  spec  of  decency  they  had 
got  about  ’em,  and  they  all  got  drunk  as  fools — ” 

Says  I warmly,  ‘‘I  told  the  Nation  jest  how  it 
would  be,  and  I told  you  Josiah,  but  you  wouldn’t 
believe  me,  neither  on  you,  and  now  there  is  Solomon 
Cypher  drunk  as  a fool ; mebby  you’ll  hear  to  me 
another  time,  Josiah  Allen.” 

Says  Josiah  with  a gloomy  look,  don’t  see  what 
you  want  to  lay  it  all  to  me  for ; their  sellin’  likker 
here  to  the  Sentimental  wasn’t  my  doin’s.” 

‘‘Well,  you  sort  o’  upholded  the  Nation  in  it ; did 
they  catch  ’em  here  to  the  Sentinal,  Josiah?” 

“No,  they  got  their  likker  here,  and  then  they 
went  down  into  the  village  a cuttin’  up  and  actin’ 
every  step  of  the  way ; and  when  they  catched  ’em 
they  was  playin’  horse  right  in  front  of  the  meetin’ 
house.  Cornelius  and  the  Editor  was  horses  and  old 
Cypher  they  say  had  got  holt  of  their  galluses  a 
drivin’  ’em  double ; and  he  was  a yellin’  and  cluckin’ 
to  ’em  to  git  up,  and  they  was  a prancin’  and  a snortin’, 
and  the  Editor  of  the  Auger  was  pretendin’  to  be 
balky,  and  was  a kickin’  up  and  a whinnerin’;  the 
likker  had  made  three  perfect  fools  of  ’em.  And 
what  gauls  me,”  says  he  with  a deprested  look,  “is, 
that  a relation  of  ourn  by  marriage  should  be  in  the 
scrape ; it  will  make  such  talk ; and  we  mixed  up  in  it.” 


IN  NEED  OF  A BAIL. 


551 


Says  I calmly  but  firmly,  must  have  a bail 

put  onto  him.’’ 

I won’t  put  it  on,”  says  he — and  he  added  in  a loud 
mad  tone — he  won’t  git  no 
bails  put  onto  him  by  me,  not 
a darned  bail.” 

‘^Well,”  says  I,  you 
haint  no  pity  by  you,  you  can 
probable  stop  swearin’  if  you 
set  out  to.  They  are  relations 
on  your  side  Josiah  Allen.” 


“the  sentinal  licensed.’’ 

Throw  the  Widder  in  my  face  again  will  you  ! ” 
says  he,  ‘4f  she  was  fool  enough  to  marry  him,  she 
may  take  care  of  hiin  for  all  of  me,  and  if  she  wants 

any  bails  put  onto  him,  she  may  put  ’em  on  herself.” 
22 


552 


SOLOMON’S  FRIENDS  FORSAKE  HIM. 


Says  I lookin’  my  pardner  calmly  in  the  eye.  Ort 
from  ort  leaves  how  many  Josiah  Allen  ?” 

Ort,”  says  he,  and  snapped  out,  what  of  it  ? 
What  do  you  go  a prancin’  off  into  Rithmatic  for,  such 
a time  as  this  ? ” 

Says  I mildly,  for  principle  held  my  temper  by  the 
reins,  a leadin’  me  along  in  the  harness  first-rate, 

When  you  reckon  up  a row  of  orts  and  git  ’em  to 
amount  to  anything,  or  git  anything  from  ’em  to 
carry,  then  you  can  set  the  bride  to  doin’  sunthin’ 
and  expect  to  have  it  done ; ” says  I,  won’t  Sam  Sny- 
der succor  him  ? ” 

‘‘No  he  won’t;  he  says  he  won’t  and  there  haint 
a Jonesvillian  that  will;  you  won’t  catch  ’em  at  it.” 

“Well,”  says  T firmly,  with  a mean  that  must  have 
looked  considerable  like  a certain  persons  at  Smith- 
field  when  he  was  bein’  set  fire  to;  “if  you  nor 
nobody  else  won’t  go  and  help  put  a bail  onto  Solo- 
mon Cypher,  1 shall.” 

And  then  Josiah  hollered  up  and  asked  me  if  I was 
a dumb  fool,  and  twitted  me  how  hauty  and  over- 
bearin’ Solomon  had  been  to  wimmen,  how  he  had 
looked  down  on  me  and  acted. 

But  says  I calmly,  “Josiah  Allen,  you  have  lived 
with  me  month  after  month,  and  year  after  year,  and 
you  don’t  seem  to  realize  the  size  and  heft  of  the 
principles  I am  a carryin’  round  with  me,  no  more 
than  if  you  never  see  me  a performin’  with  ’em  on  a 
tower.  Rememberance  of  injuries,  ridicule,  nor  Josiah 


SAMANTHA  GOES  TO  THE  RESCUE. 


553 


can’t  put  up  no  bars  accrost  the  path  of  Right  high 
enough  to  stop  Samantha  She  is  determined  and 
firm  ; she  will  be  merciful  and  heap  coals  of  fire  on 
the  head  of  the  guilty  Cypher,  for  the  sake  of  duty, 
and  that  weepin’  ort.” 

And  then  Josiah  pretended  not  to  understand  my 
poetic  and  figgerative  speech,  and  said  that — Solomon 
bein’  so  bald — I’d  have  a chance  to  give  him  a good 
singein’  and  he  hoped  I’d  blister  his  old  skull  good. 

And  I walked  ofl*  with  dignity,  and  wouldn’t  de- 
mean myself  by  sayin’  another  word.  He  had  told 
me  where  the  bride  was,  and  I started  off ; and 
thougli  memory  (as  well  as  Josiah)  hunched  me  up  to 
remember  how  hauty  the  Creation  Searchers  ” had 
all  been  as  a body,  and  how  rampant  they  had  been 
that  a woman  shouldn’t  infringe  on  ’em,  or  come  in 
contract  with  ’em,  still  the  thought  that  they  was 
moulderin’  in  jail  made  me  feel  for  them  and  their 
weepin’  brides. 

The  female  elements  in  politics  would  be,  as  you 
may  say,  justice  tempered  down  with  mercy;  justice 
kep’  a sayin’  to  me,  “ Solomon  Cypher  is  in  jail  and  he 
ort  to  be,  for  truly  he  played  horse  and  disturbed  the 
peace ; ” but  mercy  whispered  to  me  in  the  other  ear  : 
“ If  he  is  humbled  down  and  willin’  to  do  better,  give 
him  a chance.” 

Punishment  if  it  means  anything  means  jest  that; 
it  hadn’t  ort  to  be  malicious  enjoyment  to  the  punish- 
ers ; it  ort  to  be  for  the  reformin’  of  the  criminals,  and 


554 


MEETIN’  GEN.  HAWLEY. 


makin’  of  ’em  better.  And  that  is  why  I never  could 
believe  that  chokin’  folks  to  death  was  the  way  to 
reform  ’em,  and  make  better  citizens  of  ’em. 

I found  the  bride  a settin’  like  a statute  of  grief  on 
a bench,  a groanin’  and  weepin’  and  callin’  wildly  on 
Doodle,  and  sayin’  if  he  was  alive  she  wouldn’t  be 
in  that  perdickerment — which  I couldn’t  deny,  and 
didn’t  try  to.  But  I told  her  firmly  that  this  was  no 
time  to  indulge  in  her  feelins,  or  call  on  Doodle,  and 
if  she  wanted  a bail  put  onto  Solomon  Cypher,  we 
must  hasten  to  his  dungeon. 

So  we  hurried  onwards,  and  right  in  the  path  we 
met  Gen.  Hawley;  and  even  then,  in  that  curious 
time,  I thought  I never  did  see  a handsomer,  well 
meaniner  face  than  hisen.  And  now  it  looked  bet- 
ter than  ever  for  it  had  pity  onto  it,  which  will  make 
even  humblyness  look  well.  That  man  respects  me 
deeply  ; he  see  the  mission  I was  a performin’  on,  and 
the  hefty  principles  I was  a carryin’  round  with  me 
on  a tower,  and  now  as  he  looked  at  my  agitated  face 
and  then  at  the  weepin’  bride,  he  stopped  and  says 
in  that  honest  good  way  of  hisen,  and  with  that  dret- 
ful  clever  look  to  his  eyes  : 

Josiah  Allen’s  wife,  you  are  in  trouble ; can  I help 
you  in  any  way  ? ” 

^^No,”  says  I,  ^^not  now  you  can’t.”  I put  a 
awful  meanin’  axent  onto  that  ^ now,’  and  says  he : 

Do  I understand  you  to  say  Madam  that  at  some 
future  time  I can?  You  know  you  can  command  me.” 


aOOD  ADVICE  NOT  TAKEN.  555 

(A  better  dispositioned,  accommodatiner,  well  inean- 
iner  marij  never  walked  afoot ; I knew"  that  from  the 
first  on’t.)  But  duty  and  justice  hunched  me  up, 
one  on  each  side,  and  says  I sadly,  My  advice  w^asn’t 
took,  the  Sentinal  was  licenced,  and  Solomon  Cypher 
is  drunk  as  a fool.” 

He  felt  bad ; he  sithed,  to  think  after  all  I had  said 
and  done  about  it,  the  Sentinal  w^as  licenced,  and  some 
of  my  folks  had  got  drunk.  It  mortified  him  dret- 
fully  I know,  but  I w"ouldn’t  say  anything  to  make 
him  feel  any  worse,  and  I only  says,  says  I : 

The  Nation  w^ouldn’t  take  my  advice,  and  you 
see  if  it  don’t  sup  sorrow"  for  it ; you  see  if  it  don’t 
see  worse  effects  from  it  than  Solomon  Cypher’s  git- 
tin’  drunk  and  playin’  horse.  And  if  you  see  me  to 
the  next  Sentinal,  Joseph,  you  jest  tell  me  if  I haint 
in  the  right  on’t.” 

But  I hadn’t  no  time  to  multiply  any  more  words 
with  him,  for  the  bride  groaned  out  agonizinly,  and 
called  on  Doodle  and  his  linement  in  such  a heart- 
breakin’  w^ay,  they  was  enough  to  draw^  tears  from 
a soap  stun. 

But  I will  pass  over  my  sufferins  of  mind,  body 
and  ears,  only  sayin’  that  they  was  truly  tegus,  till  at 
last  w"e  stood  before  the  recumbard  form  of  Solomon 
Cypher  a layin’  stretched  out  on  the  floor  in  as  un- 
comfortable a position  as  I ever  sot  my  eyes  on ; he 
looked  almost  exactly  like  a sick  swine  that  Josiah 
had  in  the  spring.  But  I hope  to  goodness  the  swine 


556 


SOLOMON  CYPHER  IN  JAIL. 


won’t  never  hear  I said  so,  if  it  should,  I should  be 
ashamed  and  apologize  to  it,  for  that  got  sick  on 
sweet  whey,  which  is  a far  nobler  sickness  than  likker 
sickness.  And  then  the  Lord  had  made  that  a brute 
by  nater,  and  it  hadn’t  gone  to  work  and  made  itself 
so  as  Solomon  had. 

But  oh ! how  the  bride  did  weep  and  cry  as  she 
looked  down  on  him,  and  how  heartrendin’  she  did 
call  on  Doodle,  sayin’  if  he  had  lived  she  wouldn’t 
have  been  in  that  perdickerment ; it  was  a strange 
time, — curious. 

And  we  left  him  after  leavin’  some  money  to  have 
him  let  out  jest  as  quick  as  he  could  walk.  I didn’t 
try  to  do  anything  for  Cornelius  Cork  or  the  Editor 
of  the  Augur’ses  case.  I was  completely  tuckered 
out ; and  in  the  mornin’  I was  so  lame  that  I couldn’t 
hardly  stand  on  my  feet.  My  back  was  in  a awful 
state ; it  wasn’t  so  much  a pain  as  I told  Josiah,  but 
there  seemed  to  be  a creek  a runnin’  down  through 
my  back,  as  curious  a feelin’  as  I ever  felt ; and  though 
we  hadn’t  seen  half  or  a fourth  of  what  we  wanted  to 
see,  I told  Josiah  that  we  must  start  for  home  that 
day  ; had  it  not  been  for  the  creek  runnin’  down  my 
back  we  should  have  staid  two  days  longer  at  least. 

Josiah  rubbed  my  back  with  linement  before  we 
started,  almost  tenderly ; but  right  when  he  was  rub- 
bin’  in  the  linement  the  most  nobby  he  says  to  me : 
‘‘  This  creek  wouldn’t  never  have  boen  Samantha,  if 
you  hadn’t  helped  put  a bail  onto  anybody.” 


HOME  FROM  THE  SENTINAL. 


657 


Says  I , When  anybody  is  preformin’  about  a 
mission  like  mine,  on  a tower,  and  gits  hurt ; their 
noble  honor,  their  happy  conscience  holds  ’em  up 
even  if  their  own  pardner  tries  to  run  ’em  down.” 

Says  I,  ^^Mebby  it  is  all  for  the  best,  our  goin’ 
home  this  mornin’,  for  that  hen  is  liable  to  come  off. 
now  any  minute,  and  I ort  to  be  there.” 

He  said  he  had  been  ready  for  a week,  which 
indeed  he  had,  for  truly  the  price  he  had  to  pay  for 
our  two  boards  was  enormous ; I never  see  nor  heerd 
of  such  costly  boards  before.  So  we  started  about 
half-past  eight  o’clock,  calculatin’  to  git  home  the 
second  day,  for  we  was  goin’  home  the  shortest  way, 
stayin’  one  night  to  a tarvern. 

And  the  next  night  about  sundown  my  Josiah  arid 
me  arrove  home  from  the  Sentinal,  and  it  seemed 
as  if  old  Hater  had  been  a lottin’  on  our  cornin’  and 
fixed  up  for  us  and  made  a fuss,  everything  looked  so 
uncommon  beautiful  and  pleasant.  There  had  been 
a little  shower  that  afternoon,  and  the  grass  in  the 
door  yard  looked  green  and  fresh  as  anything.  The 
sweet  clover  in  the  meadow  made  the  air  smell  good 
enough  to  eat  if  you  could  have  got  holt  of  it ; our 
bees  was  a cornin’  home  loaded  down  with  honey,  and 
the  robins  in  the  maples  and  the  trees  over  in  the 
orchard  sang  jest  as  if  they  had  been  practicin’  a piece 
a purpose  to  meet  us  with,  it  was  perfectly  beautiful. 
And  the  posy  beds  and  the  mornin’  glories  at  the 
winders  and  the  front  porch,  and  the  curtains  at  our 


558 


THE  BEST  PLACE  ON  EARTH. 


bed-room  winder,  and  the  door  step,  and  everything, 
looked  so  good  to  me  that  I turned  and  says  to  my 
pardner  with  a happy  look  : 

^^Home  is  the  best  place  on  earth,  haint  it  Josiah 
Allen?’’  says  I,  towers  are  pleasant  to  go  off  on, 
but  they  are  tuckerin,  especially  high  towers  of  prin- 
ciple such  as  I have  been  off  a performin’  on.” 

But  Josiah  looked  fractious  and  worrysome,  and 
says  he  : 

^^What  I want  to  know  is,  what  we  are  goin’  to 
have  for  supper;  there  haint  no  bread  nor  nothin’, 
and  I’d  as  lives  eat  bass-wood  chips  and  shingles  as 
to  eat  Betsey  Slimpsey’s  cookin’. 

But  I says  in  tender  tones,  for  I knew  I could 
soothe  him  down  instantly  : 

How  long  will  it  take  your  pardner,  Josiah  Allen, 
to  make  a mess  of  cream  biscuit,  and  broil  some  of 
that  nice  steak  we  jest  got  to  Jonesville,  and  mash  up 
some  potatoes  ? And  you  know,”  says  I in  the  same 
gentle  axents,  there  is  good  butter  and  cheese  and 
honey  and  canned  peaches  and  everything  right  in 
the  suller.” 

All  the  while  I was  speakin’,  my  Josiah’s  face  be- 
gun to  look  happier  and  happier,  and  more  peaceful 
and  resigned,  and  as  I finished,  and  he  got  down  to  help 
me  out,  he  looked  me  radiantly  and  affectionately  in 
the  face,  and  says  he : 

It  is  jest  as  you  say,  Samantha ; there’s  no  place 
like  home.” 


A GOOD  SUPPER. 


559 


Says  I,  I knew  yon  would  feel  jest  so ; home  when 
it  is  the  home  of  the  heart  as  well  as  the  body,  is 
almost  a heaven  below.  And,”  I added  in  the  same 
tones,  or  pretty  nigh  the  same,  mebby  you  had  bet- 
ter git  me  a little  kindlin’  wood  Josiah,  before  yo- 
unharness.” 

He  complied  with  my  request  and  in  about  an  hour’s 
time  we  sot  down  to  a supper  good  enough  for  a 
king,  and  Josiah  said  it  was.  He  acted  happy,  very, 
and  exceedinly  clever;  he  had  found  everything 
right  to  the  barn,  and  I also  to  the  house,  and  we  felt 
well.  And  though  we  had  held  firm,  and  wouldn’t 
have  took  no  rash  means  to  git  rid  of  our  trouble,  it 
did  seem  such  a blessed  relief  to  be  at  rest'  from 
David  Doodle ; it  seemed  so  unutterably  sweet  not  to 
have  his  linement  throwed  in  our  faces  every  moment. 

Thomas  J.  wasn’t  cornin’  home  till  Saturday.  Wg 
see  him  and  Tirzah  Ann  as  we  come  through  Jones- 
ville,  and  they  said  the  last  of  the  ^ Creation  Searchers  ’ 
had  got  home,  but  their  conduct  had  leaked  out 
through  the  bride  and  the  Editor  of  the  Auger’ses 
wife,  and  they  dassant  go  out  in  the  street,  any  one  of 
’em,  they  had  so  much  fun  poked  at  ’em.  Betsey  come 
in  at  night ; she  had  been  to  Miss  Daggets  to  work, 
and  she  had  a flour  sack  with  some  beans,  and  other 
provisions. 

Says  I in  pityin’  axents,  How  do  you  do,  Betsey  ?” 

Well  she  said  she  enjoyed  real  poor  health  ; she  had 
got  the  shingles  the  worst  kind,  and  a swelled  neck, 
22* 


560 


BETSEY  CLINGS  TO  HER  DIGNITY. 


and  the  newraligy,  and  the  ganders,  and  says  she, 
‘‘Havin’  to  support  a big  family  in  this  condition 
makes  it  hard  for  me.” 

“ Don’t  your  husband  help  you  any,  Betsey  ? ” 
says  I. 

“ Oh  ! ” says  she,  “ he  is  down  with  the  horrers  the 
hull  time,”  says  she,  “ my  work  days  haint  half  so 
bad  as  the  hard  times  I have  nights,”  she  said  she 
didn’t  git  no  sleep  at  all  hardly. 

Says  I,  “Haint  you  most  sorry  Betsey  that  you 
ever  tried  to  git  married  ? ” 

She  felt  so  bad  and  was  so  discouraged  and  down- 
hearted that  she  come  out  the  plainest  I ever  see  her, 
and  says  she : 

“ Josiah  Allen’s  wife.  I’ll  tell  yoi^  the  truth  ! If  it 
wasn’t  for  the  name  of  bein’  married,  and  the  dignity 
I got  by  bein’  in  that  state,  I should  be  sorry  as  I 
could  be ; but,”  says  she  as  she  lifted  her  flour  sack  of 
provisions  onto  her  tired  shoulders  previous  to  start- 
in’ home,  “ I wouldn’t  part  with  the  dignity  I got 
by  bein’  married,  not  for  a ten  cent  bill,  as  bad  as  I 
want  money,  and  as  much  as  I need  it.” 


THE  REUNION. 


The  mornin’  of  the  fourteenth  of  September  dawn- 
ed fair  and  peacefully.  The  sun  rose  up  consid- 
erable early  in  the  mornin’,  and  looked  * down  with  a 
calm  and  serene  face  upon  Jonesville  and  the  earth. 
And  not  fur  from  the  same  time,  I too,  rose  up  and 
with  as  calm  and  serene  a face  as  hisen,  I went  to 
work  and  got  a excellent  breakfast  for  my  Josiah  and 
me.  It  was  the  day  we  had  looked  forred  to  for  a 
year.  The  deed  that  was  to  give  our  Tirzah  Ann  and 
her  pardner  a handsome  home  lay  in  security  in  the 
depths  of  my  Josiah’s  vest  pocket,  and  in  the  buttery 
was  a big  basket  full  of  as  good  vittles  as  was  ever 
baked  by  woman — enough  to  last  ’em  a week.  The  new 
carpets  and  housen  stuff  had  been  privately  carried 
into  the  house,  unbeknown  to  them ; and  that  very 
afternoon  was  the  time  we  was  a goin’  to  make  ’em 
almost  perfectly  happy.  Oh  ! how  serene  and  noble 
I felt  as  I poured  out  my  dishwater  and  washed  ray 
breakfast  dishes. 


561 


562 


TlliZAH’S  BRIDAL  TOWER, 


/ 


And  as  I washed  and  wiped  I thought  of  the  child- 
ern ; thought  how  well  Thomas  J.  was  a doin’,  and 
how  Tirzah  Ann  and  Whitfield  had  been  prospered 
ever  sense  they  took  their  bridal  tower.  I s’pose  they 
had  a dretfuHiard  time  then;  I s’pose  they  suffered  as 
much  agony  on  that  bridal  tower,  as  any  two  bridals 
ever  suffered  in  the  same  length  of  time.  Tirzah 
Ann  haint  got  over  that  tower  to  this  day,  and  Whit- 
field looks  mad  every  time  he  hears  the  word  men- 
tioned. They  have  both  told  me  sense  (in  strict  con- 
fidence) at  two  separate  times,  that  if  they  was  a goin’ 
to  be  married  twenty-five  times  a piece,  they  had  gone 
ofi  on  their  last  tower. 

You  see  the  way  on’t  was,  Tirzah  Ann — not  bein’ 
used  to  travellin’ — got  lost.  Whitfield  left  her  a 
minute  on  the  platform  to  go  back  after  her  parasol, 
and  she  heerd  ’em  say  All  aboard,”  and  she  thought 
she  must  git  on  that  minute  or  die.  He,  seein’  she 
was  gone,  thought  she  had  went  back  after  him,  and 
he  went  searchin’  after  her.  The  train  went  on ; he 
took  the  next  train  up,  and  she  the  next  train  down, 
and  they  passed  each  other ; and  then  she  took  the 
next  train  up,  and  he  the  next  train  down,  and  they 
missed  each  other  again.  And  so  they  kep’  it  up  all 
the  first  day  and  night.  Finally,  the  next  mornin’  the 
conductor — bein’  a old  gentleman,  and  good  hearted — 
telegraphed  to  Whitfield  that  he  would  be  to  the  upper 
depot  at  10  o’clock,  and  told  him  to  come  on  instantly 
and  claim  his  property  and  pay  charges,  or  it  would 


A BENEVOLENT  OLD  GENTLEMAN. 


563 


spile  on  liis  hands.  I s’pose  she  did  take  on*  awfully, 
not  bein’  used  to  trouble ; she  fainted  dead  away 
when  Whitfield  come  on  and  claimed  her  and  paid 
charges ; and  the  old  gentleman  bein’  crazy  with 


bkingin’  hek  to. 


trouble  deluged  a mop-pail  full  of  water  onto  her,  and 
spilte  every  rag  of  her  clothes,  bunnet  and  all.  Tliiify 
dollars  wouldn’t  have  made  her  whole ; I s’pose  she 
looked  like  a banty  Ken  after  a rain  storm. 

When  they  got  to  Whitfield’s  cousins — where  they 
expected  to  stay — they  was  away  from  home.  Then 
they  w^ent  to  a second  cousins ; they  was  havin’  a funer- 
al. Then  they  went  to  a third  cousins,  and  they  had 
the  tyfus.  Then  they  went  to  the  only  tarvern  in  the 
place;  they  was  ail  right  there,  only  the  whoopin’ 


564 


SUFFICIENT  FOR  LIFE. 


cough  ; and  they  never  havin’  had  it,  took  it,  and  come 
down  in  nine  days — coughed  and  whooped  awful. 

They  laid  out  to  stay  a fortnite  on  their  tower, 
and  they  did ; but  they  have  both  told  me  sense  (in 
confidence,  and  I wouldn’t  want  it  told  of  from  me,) 
that  their  sufFerins  durin’  that  time,  can  be  imagined, 
but  never  described  upon.  The  first  cousin  come 
home  and  sent  for  ’em,  but  she  was  of  a jealous  make, 
and  kinder  hinted  that  Tirzah  Ann  run  away  from 
Whitfield  a purpose — didn’t  come  right  out  and  say 
it,  but  kep’  a liintin’ — made  them  feel  as  uncomfort- 
able as  if  they  was  raked  up  on  a coal.  And  then 
she  would  look  at  Tirzah  Ann’s  clothes  that  was  spilte 
— when  she  fainted  away,  and  was  fetched  to  by 
water — and  kinder  hint  that  she  had  fell  into  some 
creek.  I s’pose  she  kep’  Tirzah  Ann  on  the  tender- 
hooks  the  hull  time,  without  say  in’  a word  they  could 
resent  or  make  her  take  back. 

And  then  she  and  Whitfield  was  dressed  up  all  the 
time,  and  wanted  to  act  natteral,  and  couldn’t — felt  as 
if  they  must  behave  beautiful,  and  polite  every  min- 
ute. Why  ! I s’pose  they  got  so  sick  of  each  other 
that  they  wished,  both  on  ’em,  that  they  had  lived 
single,  till  they  died  of  old  age.  And  then  on  their 
way  back  tliey  both  had  the  blind  headache,  every 
step  of  the  way,  coughed  their  heads  most  off,  and 
whooped — Tirzah  Ann  told  me — as  if  they  was  two 
wild  Injuns  on  a war  path.  Truly  they  had  got 
enough  of  weddin’  towers  to  last  through  a long  life. 


HOW  TO  BE  MARRIED. 


565 


Somehow  Thomas  Jefferson  always  felt  different 
about  such  things.  IVe  heerd  him  and  Tirzah  Ann — 
before  she  was  married  — argue  about  it,  time  and 
again.  He  said  he  couldn’t  for  his  life  see  why  folks 
felt  as  if  they  had  got  to  go  a caperin’  off  somewhere, 
the  minute  they  was  married— and  to  tell  the  plain 
truth,  I,  myself,  never  could  see  the  necessity,  when 
they  both  feel  as  strange  as  strange  can  be,  to  think 
of  goin’  off  into  a strange  land  to  feel  strange  in. 

It  is  curious  enough  and  solemn  enough  to  enter 
into  a new  life,  untried,  crowded  full  of  possibilities 
for  happiness  or  misery,  if  you  face  that  future  calmly 
and  with  bodily  ease.  It  is  a new  life,  not  to  be  en- 
tered into  highlariously,  tired  to  death,  and  wild  as 
two  lunys,  at  the  rate  of  twenty  miles  an  hour,  amidst 
the  screechins  of  omnibus  drivers  and  pop  corn  ped- 
dlers, but  with  calmness,  meditation,  and  prayer. 
That  is  iny  idee ; howsumever,  everybody  to  their  own. 

And  then  another  thing  that  made  Tirzah  Ann’s, 
tower  so  awful  tryin’;  she  had  wore  herself  down 
almost  to  a skeleton  and  got  irritable  and  nervous,  a 
makin’  tattin,  and  embroideries;  for  she  felt  she 
couldn’t  be  married  till  she  had  got  her  nineteenth 
suit  all  trimmed  off  to  the  extreme  of  the  fashion. 

Thomas  J.  and  Maggy  (they  think  alike  on  most 
things)  always  felt  different  about  that.  I have  heerd 
Maggy  say  that  she  never  could  understand  why  it 
was  necessary  for  a girl  to  make  up  such  a stupendus 
amount  of  clothin’  to  marry  one  man  in — a man  she 


566 


UNNECESSARY  PREPARATIONS. 


/ 


had  seen  every  day  from  her  youth  up.  She  said 
that  any  civilized  young  woman  who  respected  her' 
self,  would  have  enough  clothin’  by  her  all  the  time 
to  be  comfortable  and  meet  any  other  emergency  of 
life ; and  sh^couldn’t  understand  why  her  marryin’  to 
a mild  dispositioned  young  man,  should  render  it  im- 
perative to  disable  several  dressmakers,  make  mothers 
lunatics  with  fine  sewin’,  and  work  themselves  down 
to  a complete  skeleton,  makin’  up  as  many  garments 
as  if  they  was  goin’  for  life  into  a land  where  needles 
was  unknown,  and  side  thimbles  was  no  more. 

And  to  tell  the  truth  I joined  with  her ; I always 
thought  that  health  and  a good  disposition  would  be 
more  useful,  and  go  further  than  tattin  in  the  cares 
and  emergencies  of  married  life;  and  that  girls 
would  do  better  to  spend  some  of  their  time  a makin’ 
weddin’  garments  for  their  souls,  gettin’  ready  the 
white  robes  of  patience  and  gentleness,  and  long 
sufferins.  They’ll  need  them,  every  rag  on  ’em  if 
they  are  married  any  length  of  time.  But  everybody 
has  their  ways,  and  Tirzah  Ann  had  hers,  and  truly 
she  had  the  worst  of  it. 

I finished  washin’  my  dishes,  and  then  I brought 
out  my  linen  dress  and  cape,  and  my  common  bunnet, 
so’s  to  have  everything  ready.  Jest  as  I come  out 
with  ’em  on  my  arm,  Thomas  J.  come  in,  and  says  he : 

Wear  your  best  shawl  and  bunnet  this  afternoon, 
won’t  you  mother  ?” 

Says  I,  Why,  Thomas  Jefferson  ?” 


THOMAS  J.  ANNOUNCES  HIS  MARRIAGE.  567 


Says  he,  I didn’t  know  but  you  would  want  to 
step  into  the  Presbeteryun  church  this  afternoon  on 
your  way  down  to  Tirzah  Ann’s.  There  is  a couple  a 
goin’  to  be  married  there  at  two  o’clock.” 

Who  be  they  Thomas  J.  ? ” says  I. 

Says  he,  It  is  a couple  that  don’t  want  to  be  gos- 
siped about;  that  think  marriage  is  surithin’  too 
sacred  and  holy  to  be  turned  into  a circus,  with  tinsel 
and  folderols,  and  a big  crowd  of  strangers  a gazin’ 
on — the  woman  dressed  up  for  principal  performer, 
and  the  man  for  a clown.  A couple  that  wants  jest 
them  they  love  best — ” 

I dropped  right  down  into  a chair  and  put  up  my 
gingham,  apron  over  my  eyes  and  bust  right  out  a 
cryin’,  and  I couldn’t  have  helped  it,  if  Josiah  had 
stood  over  me  wdth  a meat-axe.  I knew  who  it  was 
that  was  goin’  to  be  married  and  most  probable  set 
off  for  the  west  in  the  mornin’.  Goin’  way  off  west ; 
my  boy,  my  Thomas  Jefferson. 

He  come  up  behind  me  and  put  his  hand  on  my 
shoulder  and  said  in  a kind  of  a tremblin’  voice — he 
thinks  a sight  of  me,  my  boy  does  ; and  then  he  knows 
enough  to  know  that  a new  life  is  a serious  thing  to 
set  out  on,  even  if  love  goes  with  ’em — says  he : 

I thought  you  loved  Maggy,  mother.” 

Says  I,  out  from  under  my  apron,  You  know  I do, 
Thomas  Jefferson,  and  you  ort  to  know  your  mother 
well  enough  to  know  she  is  a cryin’  for  pleasure,  pure 
enjoyment.”  I wasn’t  a goin’  to  put  no  dampers  onto 


668 


THE  WEDDIN’. 


my  boy’s  happiness  that  day,  not  if  he  sot  off  the  next 
minute  for  the  Antipithes.  lie  stood  there  for  a 
moment  with  his  hand  on  my  shoulder,  and  then  he 
bent  down  and  kissed  me,  and  that  was  every  word 
he  said.  Then  he  went  up  stairs  to  git  ready. 

It  seems  he  had  jest  told  his  father  to  the  barn,  and 
Josiah  come  in  all  broke  down  about  his  goin’  off 
west.  Maggy  was  my  choice,  and  liisen,  but  the  goin’ 
west  was  where  the  cast-iron  entered  into  our  very 
souls.  But  when  I see  my  companion’s  mean,  I see 
where  my  duty  lay,  and  I grasped  holt  of  it.  I knew 
he  was  completely  unstrung,  and  I had  got  to  string 
him  up  by  my  example,  or  he  would  crumple  com- 
pletely down  on  my  hands.  I see  if  I kep’  my  Josiah 
collected  together,  I must  keep  my  own  composure 
up,  and  be  calm.  But  while  holdin’  up  Duty  and 
Josiah  with  a almost  marble  grip,  what  feelins  I 
felt  when  we  was  on  our  way  to  the  meetin’  house. 
What  feelins  I felt  when  I see  Thomas  J.  and  Maggy 
standin’  up  in  front  of  the  altar,  and  Elder  Colvin 
Kirk  a rnarryin’  of  ’em. 

Maggy  was  dressed  up  in  a white  mull  dress,  with 
some  lace  ruffles  round  her  neck  and  wrists.  Not  a 
mite  of  jewelry  on  her  from  head  to  foot,  only  a little 
pearl  cross  and  ring  that  Thomas  J.  had  give  her ; the 
ruffle  round  her  neck  was  fastened  in  front  with  some 
sweet  white  poseys, — and  she  looked  as  pretty  as  the 
poseys  herself,  and  prettier.  Thomas  Jefferson  had  on 
his  best  suit  of  clothes,  and  oh  I how  good  he  did  look 


UPHELD  BY  DUTY. 


569 


to  me.  And  to  think  he  was  a goin’  way  off  where 
I couldn’t  lay  my  eyes  on  him,  or  her  either, ! 
Why,  if  I had  leggo  for  a half  a moment  of  Duty  and 
Josiah,  I should  have  groaned  to  that  extent  that  it 
would  have  skairt  ’em  nearly  to  death. 

But  I held  firm,  and  in  the  stoop  of  the  meetin’- 
house  I kissed  ’em  both  and  wished  ’em  well,  with  a 
almost  marble  composure.  And  with  the  same  cast- 
iron  command  of  myself,  I got  into  the  buggy  and 
sot  out  for  Tirzah  Ann’s ; she,  and  Whitfield  and — 
well,  it  haint  no  matter  who,  but  they,  and  Thomas 
J.  and  Maggy  follerin’,  and  Judge  Snow  (he  has  been 
put  in  Judge  and  feels  big  about  it  they  say)  sayin’ 
he  would  join  us  at  supper.  He  was  in  the  secret  of 
the  deed,  and  so  was  Thomas  Jeflferson  and  Maggy. 

But  as  we  started  off*,  Josiah  groaned  to  that  extent 
that  he  skairt  the  old  mare,  and  I almost  commanded 
him  to  control  himself  and  be  calm.  But  though  he 
made  a great  effort,  it  was  in  vain  ; he  groaned  nearly 
every  step  of  the  way,  and  when  he  wasn’t  a groanin’ 
he  was  a sithin’  fearful  sithes.  Oh  ! what  a time  I had. 

Well,  when  we  got  to  Tirzah  Ann’s,  we  (liavin’  the 
supper  on  our  minds)  told  ’em  we  had  a little  business 
to  tend  to,  and  we  wouldn’t  git  out  of  the  buggy  jest 
then,  so  we  drove  on  and  left  ’em  there  by  the  gate. 
Oh  ! how  beautiful  and  fair  the  house  did  look  on  the 
inside  and  on  the  outside,  and  I says  to  Josiah : I 
don’t  believe  Josiah  Allen,  there  is  another  so  pretty 
a place  in  Jonesville  as  this  is ! ’’ 


570 


AT  THE  NEW  HOME, 


He  was  a standiii’  out  in  the  front  portico  as  I said 
this,  and  says  he  : ‘^Yes  there  is,  Samantha  ; this  house 
that  stands  right  liere  by  it,  is  jest  as  pretty  and  it 
was.  There  it  stood,  so  peaceful  and  pretty,  right  by 
the  side  of  this  one,  with  green  shady  yards  in  front, 
and  a handsome  little  lattice  work  gate  all  runnin’ 
over  with  green  vines  and  poseys  openin’  between  the 
two.  Oh  ! how  perfectly  beautiful  they  did  look,  and  I 
knew  this  thought  goared  Josiah  and  me  at  the  same 
time, — what  if  Thomas  J.  could  be  the  doctor  here  in 
Jones ville  and  live  right  here  by  Tirzah  Ann.  Oh, 
what  bliss  it  would  be ! Then  I turned  and  went  to 
unpackin’  my  vittles,  and  settin’  the  table.  It  looked 
splendid ; and  after  I got  it  all  done  I sent  Josiah 
for  the  childern  and — well,  I sent  him  for  all  on  ’em. 

And  I shant  begin  to  tell  how  Whitfield  and  Tirzah 
Ann  acted  when  they  come  into  that  bright  cosy  little 
home,  and  Josiah  put  the  deed  of  it  into  their  hands; 
I dassant  tell,  for  anybody  would  think  they  was  lunys. 
I have  seen  tickled  folks  in  my  life,  but  never,  never, 
did  I see  tickleder,  that  I know.  Why,  Whitfield 
looked  fairly  pale  at  first,  and  then  his  face  fiushed  up 
as  happy  as  a king.  And  Tirzah  Ann  cried  a little, 
and  then  she  laughed,  and  then  she  went  to  kissin’  of 
us  like  a little  fury  ; she  kissed  her  pa  and  me,  and 
Wliitfield  and  Thomas  J.  and  Maggy,  and — well,  she 
kissed  the  hull  on  us  more’n  forty  times  I do  believe. 

And  seein’  ’em  both  so  tickled,  and  feelin’  so  happy 
in  their  happiness,  I do  believe  if  it  hadn’t  been  for 


AW  UWLOOKED  FOR  ANNOUNCEMENT.  571 


the  drawback  of  our  boy’s  goin’  west,  Josiah  and  me 
would  have  broke  down,  and  acted  simple. 

Judge  Snow  come  jest  as  we  was  a settin’  down  to 
the  table.  He  seemed  to  be  in  awful  good  spirits, 
kep’  a jokin’  all  supper  time,  and  thinks’es  I to  my- 
self, You  must  feel  different  from  what  I do,  if  you 
can  face  the  idee  of  yonr  child’s  goin’  west  with  such 
highlarity  and  mirth.”  But  truly,  I wronged  him ; 
truly  a shock  was  in  store  for  us  all ; for  as  we  got  up 
from  the  supper  table  and  went  back  into  the  settin’- 
room,  he  stood  up  and  says  he  in  a deep  noble  voice : 
(they  say  his  voice  sounds  a good  deal  nobler,  and 
deeper,  sense  he  got  to  be  a Judge,) 

‘^Have  you  heerd  that  Doctor  Bombus  has  had  a 
dowery  fall  to  him,  and  has  give  up  docterin’  ? ” 

^^No!”  says  I,  and  we  all  said  ^^no!”  we  hadn’t 
heerd  on’t. 

‘‘  Yes,”  says  he,  ^^he  has;  he  doctered  a woman  up 
in  the  town  of  Lyme  and  her  husband  settled  500 

dollars  a year  on  him  for  life.” 

«/ 

“ He  cured  her,”  says  I,  “ what  gratitude ! ” 

^^No,”  says  he,  ^‘he  didn’t  cure  her,  she  died,  but 
the  widower  give  him  the  dowery,  and  he  is  goin’  to 
give  up  docterin’,” 

The  minute  he  said  give  up  docterin’,”  the  thought 
come  to  me:  what  a chance  for  Thomas  Jefferson! 
mebby  he  wouldn’t  have  to  go  west ; and  I felt  as  if 
there  had  been  as  many  as  seven  flat-irons  took  offen 
my  heart,  and  two  or  three  cannon  balls,  and  some 


572 


THE  JUDGE’S  GIFT. 


/ 


lead,  and  things.  I looked  at  Josiah,  and  Josiah 
looked  at  me,  and  we  both  smiled ; we  couldn’t  help 
it.  But  better  was  a cornin’,  for  right  while  we  was  a 
smilin’  the  Judge  spoke  out  again  in  a eloquent,  sort 
of  a low  tone : 

Whereas  Josiah  Allen  and  Samantha  his  wife, 
has  presented  a deed  of  this  house  and  lot  to  their 
daughter  and  her  husband  aforesaid,  I,  the  party  of 
the  second  part,  I mean,  I,  Judge  Snow,  have  pur- 
chased of  Dr.  Bombus  his  practice,  and  got  a deed  of 
the  house  and  lot  adjoinin’  this  for  you  Maggy,  and 
you  Thomas  Jefierson,  and  may  the  Lord  have  mercy 
on  your  souls.” 

I s’pose  bein’  so  agitated,  he  forgot  where  he  was 
and  thought  he  was  a judgin’,  and  then  he  handed  the 
deed  to  Maggy,  and  blew  his  nose  hard.  As  for  me, 
nobody  need  to  ask  me  how  any  of  ’em  behaved,  for 
the  minute  I see  what  was  a cornin’,  I almost  buried 
my  face  in  my  handkerchief,  and  sobbed  and  wept 
like  a infant  babe.  But  through  my  wrapped  blissful- 
ness of  mood — for  the  ear  of  affection  is  keen — I could 
hear  my  Josiah  a blowin’  his  nose,  and  I knew  he  too 
was  in  perfect  rapture.  Oh  ! Oh  ! what  a time  it  was. 

But  I hadn’t  time  to  weep  long  in  my  pure  bliss- 
fulness of  spirit,  for  Judge  Snow  proposed  we  should 
all  walk  over  and  see  the  house,  and  he  took  right 
holt  of  my  arm  and  locked  arms  with  me  (he  meant 
well,  Josiah  was  right  there)  and  we  led  the  way,  and 
Thomas  Jefferson  and  Maggy  a follerin’  as  happy  as 


fc)iNuvv  b tooia'taaji 


A STRANGER  INTRODUCED. 


575 


any  two  turtle  doves  r?ver  see,  and  then  Whitfield 
and  Tirzah  Ann,  and  then  Josiah  and — well,  who  do 
you  s’pose  he  w^as  a waitin’  on.  What  female  do  you 
s’pose  he  was  a carryin’  in  his  arms,  and  wouldn’t  let 
no  one  else  touch  it  if  he  could  help  it,  and  kissin’  her 
right  before  his  lawful  pardner  too,  and  she  enjoyin’ 
of  it  ? Who  was  it  ? I can’t  keep  in  a minute  longer ; 
it  was  the  baby— Tirzah  Ann’s  little  infant  babe.  I 
have  kep’  still  about  it ; I have  held  the  baby  back  to 
surprise  the  reader  and  happyfy  ’em.  And  so  the 
hull  procession  of  us  walked  over  the  grass,  green  as 
green  velvet,  under  the  pleasant  shade  trees,  under  the 
little  vine  covered  gate,  and  so  through  the  other  yard 
jest  as  green  and  shady  and  pleasant,  up  into  the  house 
which  was  to  be  my  boy’s  home. 

Bimeby  they  all  went  over  to  Whitfield’s  house,  to 
examine  sunthin’  or  measure  sunthin’,  for  Judge 
Snow  was  rampant  now  about  furnishin’  the  house 
right  off,  so  they  could  git /to  hoiisekeepin’.  And 
Josiah  and  I and  the  baby  went  out  and  sot  down 
under  a big  maple  out  in  the  yard.  And  we  sot  there 
happy  as  a king  and  queen,  knowin’  them  we  loved 
best  was  a goin’  to  be  right  here  where  we  could  lay  our 
hands  on  ’em  any  time  day  or  night.  Come  a visitin’ 
’em  every  day  if  we  wanted  to,  spend  the  forenoon 
with  one,  and  the  afternoon  with  the  other  or  anyway 
to  make  it  agreeable.  Oh  what  a happyfyin’  time  it 
was  out  there  under  the  maple  tree ! The  baby  would 
kinder  nod  its  bead  towards  their  house,  and  laugh 


/ 


THE  BABY. 


^76 

when  Josiah  would  shake  it  up,  jest  as  if  she  thought 
their  house  was  the  prettiest.  Such  a knowledgeable 
child ! I never  see  the  beat  of  it  in  my  life. 

We  think,  and  we  know — Josiah  and  me  do — that 
there  never  was  such  a child  before.  It  is  only  eleven 
weeks  old  but  its  intellect  is  sunthin’  wonderful  to 
study  on.  It  understands  everything  that  is  goin’  on 
jest  as  well  as  I do,  and  it  does  have  such  a cunnin’  look 
to  it,  and  so  sensible.  Its  eyes  are  big,  and  a goin’  to 
be  a sort  of  grey  brown  ; they  have  a unworldly,  inno- 
cent look,  sort  o’  deep  and  dreamy,  jest  as  if  it  could 
tell  if  it  was  a mind  to,  a awful  sight  about  the  world 
it  had  come  from  so  lately.  Sometimes  when  there 
is  foolish  talk  a goin’  on  round  it,  it  will  kinder  curl 
up  its  little  lip  and  wink  at  me  with  its  big  solemn 
eyes,  till  it  fairly  scares  me  to  see  such  a little  thing 
know  so  much  more  than  any  grown  folks. 

And  then  it  is  so  ladylike  in  its  appearance  r has 
got  such  good  manners,  such  composure,  such  almost 
cool  dignity ; it  is  jest  as  much  at  its  ease  before  a 
minister  as  before  a tin  peddler,  uses  ’em  both  well, 
but  not  put  out  by  ’em  a mite  ; cool,  and  collected 
together  all  the  time,  jest  like  a little  queen.  And 
it  don’t  seem  to  be  a mite  deceitful ; it  don’t  try  to 
cover  up  its  thoughts  and  idees,  it  is  jest  like  lookin’ 
through  these  clay  bodies  of  ourn  and  seein’  a soul, 
to  look  at  that  babe.  ^ 

I am  one  that  loves  reason  and  philosophy.  I have 
acted  well  about  it;  some  grandmothers  will  act  so 


A WISE  OLD  GRANDMOTHER. 


577 


foolish.  1 can’t  bear  te,  see  foolishness  in  grandpar- 
ents, and  Josiah  can’t  neither.  Now  when  it  was 
half  a day  old,  Sister  Minkley  thought  it  looked  like 
Whitfield ; I,  myself,  thought  it  looked  more  like  a 
monkey.  I didn’t  say  so,  I wouldn’t  for  the  world. 
I looked  at  it  jest  as  I do  at  a little  hard  green  bud 
that  appears  first  on  a rose  bush ; there  haint  no 
beauty  to  speak  of  in  it ; it  is  hard  lookin’  and  it  is 
green  lookin,’  and  curious.  But  you  set  a awful 
sight  of  store  by  that  little  hard  lookin’  thing,  for  you 
know  the  possibilities  of  handsomeness  that  are  folded 
up  in  it, — the  dainty  rosiness,  the  freshness,  the  sweet' 
ness.  And  so  with  the  baby  ; when  I thought  of  the 
possibilities  of  beauty  wrapped  up  in  it — the  smiles, 
the  pinky  dimpled  cheeks,  the  curly  gold  hair,  the  im 
nocent  baby  laugh,  the  pretty  broken  talk,  the  angeh 
ical  purity,  and  the  confidin’  confidence — why,  when 
r^fhought  of  all  this,  there  wasn’t  a dry  eye  in  my 
head,  and  my  heart  sung  for  joy  (though  it  don’t 
understand  a single  note). 

When  the  baby  was  four  days  old,  Josiah  thought 
it  knew  him  ; when  it  was  a week  old  he  thought  it 
was  a tryin’  to  talk  to  him,  and  said  it  laughed  jest  as 
quick  as  he  went  near  the  cradle. 

Says  I,  Josiah  Allen,  it  is  wind  !” 

Wind  !”  he  hollered,  ‘^mebby  you  think  it  is  wind 
that  makes  you  know  me,  and  set  considerable  store 
by  me.”  He  almost  took  my  head  off,  and  I see  by 
his  mean  that  it  wouldn’t  do  to  say  any  more. 


578 


THE  BABY  NAMED. 


But  when  it  was  two  weeks  old,  I think,  myself, 
that  the  baby  knew  us — Josiah  and  me  ; it  looked  up 
to  us  somehow  different  from  what  it  did  to  its  Grand- 
pa and  Grandma  Minkley,  though  it  used  them  well. 
We  are  there  to  see  the  baby  almost  every  day  and 
we  take  a sight  of  comfort  with  it,  for  we  see  and 
realize  jest  what  a child  it  is,  and  bein’  foundered  on 
firm  reason  and  solid  truth,  we  are  not  afraid  to  ex- 
press our  opinions  to  anybody  freely,  without  money 
and  without  price.  But  as  I remarked  more  formally, 
we  don’t  act  foolish  about  it  at  all. 

Its  name  is  Samantha  Jo,  after  me,  and  Josiah. 
You  know  they  call  girls  Jo  and  Josie  a sight  lately ; 
its  name  is  agreeable  to  Josiah  and  me,  very.  Josiah 
is  goin’  to  give  it  a cow  for  the  Samantha,  and  I am 
goin’  to  give  it  a set  of  silver  spoons  for  the  Jo.  If 
it  had  been  a boy,  we  was  a lay  in’  out  to  call  it  Josiah 
Sam, — Sam  for  Samantha.” 

There  is  a dark  veil  that  drops  down  between  us 
and  future  events;  you  can’t  lift  up  that  curtain, 
or  tear  it  offen  its  hooks,  for  it  is  as  high  up  as 
Eternity,  and  solid  down  to  the  ground,  as  solid  can 
be.  You  can’t  peek  round  it,  or  tear  a hole  in  it ; 
tea-grounds  haint  a goin’  to  help  you;  planchettes 
and  cards  can’t  hist  it  up  a mite  ; you  have  got  to  set 
down  before  the  curtain  that  hides  the  future  from 
you,  and  wait  patiently  till  it  is  rolled  up  by  the 
hand  that  put  it  there ; but  I am  a episodin.’ 

And  so  we  sot  there  under  the  maples — Josiah  and 


A HOME  PICTURE. 


579 


me  and  the  baby.  And  once  in  a while,  a maple  leaf 
would  come  a flutterin’'  down  like  a great  crimson 
posey,  and  the  babj^  would  laugh  and  stretch  out  its 
little  dimpled  hands  and  try  to  catch  it,  and  the  sun- 
shine would  throw  golden  rings  on  her  little  white 
gown  and  hands  and  arms,  and  she  would  try  to  lay 
holt  of ’em  and  couldn’t,  jest  as  natteral  as  if  she  was 


UNDER  THE  MAPLES. 


bigger.  And  then  the  baby  would  laugh,  and  Josiah 
would  laugh,  and  the  old  maple  tree  as  the  settin’  sun 
shone  through  it  seemed  to  be  all  lit  up  with  the  gen- 
eral enjoyment.  That  old  maple  tree  acted  sensible, 
and  I knew  it.  What  if  her  leaves  was  a flutterin’ 
down  gradual ; what  if  the  fall  of  the  year  was  a 
cornin’  on  ? She  didn’t  mourn  ‘ over  it  no  more  than 


580  SAMANTHA^S  CUP  OP  JOY  OVERFLOWS. 


I mourned  as  I sot  there,  over  all  the  days  and  years, 
the  delights  and  the  sorrows,  that  had  slipped  away 
from  me  somehow,  and  floated  off*  out  of  my  life 
unbeknown  to  me. 

She  knew — that  old  maple  did — that  it  was  only  for 
a time.  That  another  summer  was  a cornin’,  when 
God  would  give  back  to  her  all  she  had  lost,  and 
more.  Knowin’  that  the  very  loss  of  what  she  had 
loved  and  cherished  most,  that  even  what  some  fool- 
ish ones  called  decay  and  death,  would  be  changed  by 
His  divine  hand  into  deeper  growth,  diviner  beauty. 

Oh,  how  chirk  and  happy  my  companion  did  look 
in  his  face ; and  oh,  how  sort  o’  lifted  up,  and  yet 
dretful  serene  and  happyfied  / felt  in  the  inside  of  my 
mind.  It  was  a beautiful  time,  very. 

And  never  did  I see  my  pardner  wear  a more  con- 
tented and  happy  look  on  his  face  when  he  sot  down 
to  a extra  good  dinner,  than  he  did  as  he  says  to  mu, 
— after  lookin’  at  the  baby  in  perfect  silence  from  a 
half  to  three-quarters  of  a minute  : 

“ Heaven  bless  every  little  girl  and  boy  in  the  land, 
for  the  sake  of  little  Samantha  Jo  !” 

And  I felt  so  handsome  and  uncommon  happy  in 
my  mind,  and  so  wrapped  up  in  Josiah,  that  I spoke 
right  up  and  says  : 

Yes,  and  all  the  old  boys  and  girls  too ; amen  ! ” 


The  End. 


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